IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of Pixar's Cars 2006...

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I'm sure that Disney or Pixar or whoever saw the enormous marketing potential of having fucking cars everywhere in their latest CG animated film. Now, I don't know whether that really had anything to do with the premise of the film, but at least it guaranteed some of the most breath-taking visuals ever. Cars and vehicles are some of the easiest objects for a computer programmer to virtually reproduced, and as a result? It leaves more time for the rest of the package...

The waterfall scene by the mountains was near photo-realistic in quality, and literally took my breath away. The neon lights of Radiator Springs were amazing to see, just like even the gravel on the roads looked as damn natural as could possibly be achieved. There is simply no denying that Pixar was at the top of their game in terms of graphics and animation here with Cars...

... but graphics and visuals are not the real reason why I go and see a Pixar film in theatres...

For better or worse, I prejudged Cars. I've watched all the trailers for the film, and saw it as nothing more than a standard archetypal story, the kind of which we've already seen time and time again in film...

Alright, so we Lightning McQueen, a race car living in the fast lane of life quite literally. Was there any real doubt as to how his entire story would end up unfolding? Just from the teaser trailer alone from last year, I instantly knew that he would be a basic metaphor for an urbanite living the fast pace in the city, who finds himself caught in some dumbshit hick town where he learns the finer meaning of slowing the pace of existence down. How many times have we seen this before?...

Every single character in the entire film was predictable. Sally was just there as the hot, cutie townsfolk (God, I want a Carrera Porsche...) who we all knew would sway Lightning McQueen to the hick side of the force. And Tow Mater was just there for comic relief, which he barely even produced in the film at all. The only character that I didn't quite see coming a mile away from trailers was Doc Hudson, but even his MO I quickly put together as soon as I saw how quickly he wanted to throw Lightning out of the court room at the start...

Now, I hate to go into the movie theatre with a preconceived notion of how a film will turn out. Ignorance is bliss, more times than not. But I've just come to expect so much more from Pixar, you know? This is the same group of writers and animators who have produced not just some of the greatest animated films of all time, but some of the greatest goddam stories of all time. The Toy Story's, Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, and The Incredibles all rank up at there as some of the best fucking movies of all goddam time, in my honest opinion at least...

... I just came to expect so much more from the godsend of a company when it came to Cars, that's all...

It's kind of ironic, that a studio that paved the way for 3D computer graphics in film, would have so many transparent, single dimensional characters in a single film here in Cars. Owen Wilson did a decent job for the most part (except for all those moments he had to fake a laugh with Mater), but Lightning McQueen still had probably the least amount of depth and personality to him than any Pixar lead character before him. He literally simply got caught in the old town, had his pride taken away from him in a race between the tortoise and the hare, and then realized that he truly had a heart of gold in the end. Was there any real surprises along the way?...

Sure, I love a good archetypal story. I love stories with classic morals. But Pixar has always been known to put their own flavour and twist on things, to the point where they often enough make a unique-feeling masterpiece. The Toy Story's were simplistic in nature but were absolutely fabulous when it came to friendship, loyalty, and the inner child in all of us. Monsters Inc and Finding Nemo did just the same, this time with more fatherly bonds than anything else. The Incredibles was a brilliant satire and metaphor for every single damn day that happens in suburban life. But what will Cars' claim to fame be, if it ever does turn out deeper than I see it now?...

The problem with Cars is that it definitely has its clever moments, but it's never really funny. Sure, I laughed at the tipping of the tractors from time to time, but that was pretty much the extent of my shits and giggles. I thought to myself that some of the Nascar moments were clever, like the girls "flashing" McQueen or the Japanese segment on the news. But I never really balled out laughing like I did in so many Pixar films beforehand, until "Toy Car Story" and "Monster Cars Inc" showed up on screen at least. And I really think it shows something, when the only real joy I get from a film comes from the nostalgia of Pixar classics from years gone by...

But indeed, I am being overly harsh on the film, though I expected so much from Cars, so much more from Pixar, and came away disappointed. But that doesn't change the fact, that Cars is still one of the damn best animated films I've seen in years, Pixar name or not...

The races could have been more dramatic, but I will gladly admit that I was on the edge of my seat the whole way through. The little key moments, like Lightning McQueen jumping on tires to escape a car crash, or learning the tricks of the dirt trail trades from Doc Hudson, really gave the film a sort of personal touch of an aura of magic to it that only Pixar films seem to have in this day and age...

The relationship between Doc Hudson and Lightning McQueen was absolutely the only great emotional bond in the entire film. It was a simple metaphor for life, about the dirt race track and how experience and patience can overcome all. It was touching at times, with Lightning McQueen being taught that there's more to racing than just winning, and I think I even smiled a bit when the Hudson Hornet laced those racing tires up one last time. I just wish there had been more of a pay-off of their father-son relationship in the final race itself, as Hudson just appearing out of nowhere as the pit crew felt a bit forced, and Lightning's new skidding and power drifting technique was barely used at all to save his hide...

There was really only one character that I actually did find amusing and creative in the film. I guess Luigi was alright in a Mario sort of way, but it was Guido who simply kicked all sorts of Italian ass with his funky soccer hair and his love for Ferraris. To be honest, I really think their enthusiasm for European racing was the only memorable part of the movie to me that I actually did chuckle at, as seeing their affinity for fucking white tires of all things definitely put their mark on the road, in my honest opinion at least...

I wish I could care for Sally, but her only role in the film was to be the fucking generic, good looking girl who fell in love with the old hick town and now Lightning McQueen. I wish I gave a damn about Tow Mater, but his character was too hick dumbass simplistic for even my tastes. I wish I cared more for Mack, but he was kinda just a dumb truck with no purpose. I wish I cared about Ramone or Sarge or any of those other bit characters, but I just didn't. And I think it really shows something, when I rather cheered at the sight of the return of the pig character from "Toy Car Story" than anything else...

If I sound harsh, it's only because I love Pixar and all their films with all my heart. They truly bring out the best of the inner child in me, and I think they do the same in all of us as well, as their films really are almost universally loved. Their movies of Toy Story, Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, and The Incredibles truly are epic and "nincredible" in the sense of just how stories can really endear and touch our hearts...

But for now? I will honestly state that it is the second worst Pixar film to date, just above A Bug's Life on the scale...

That's not to say the film is bad. But rather, my standards for Pixar are just so damn high, that even if Cars left me disappointed and wanting more? It's still better than every other damn CG animated film out there, save for the Shrek series perhaps...

Cars still had the sublime soul of Pixar. It just wasn't allowed to shine along with the car polish, that's all...

Cars is an absolutely beautiful film in scope and beauty and majestic overall quality. And I just love how in the end, the film really did come together as one. I loved the moral and lesson it brought when it was all said and done, as probably the most heart-warming moment in the entire film was when Lightning actually gave up the Piston Cup just to give the proper respects to his fallen comrade. Sarge would be proud....

Was it a predictable ending? Of course, I saw it coming a road mile away. But Pixar just did it so emotionally, so powerfully, and so wonderfully with the kind of magic that only they can bring to life on film, that it really did make me love Cars... if only for a brief candle of a moment in time...

I wish I could feel the same way about the rest of the film as I do for that one moment alone...