IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of Mission Impossible 3 2006...

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IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of
Mission: Impossible III 2006

Hell, even the "10 second" opening was ripped right out of the JJ Abrams playbook...

My brother for one though, was absolutely enthralled by the movie's introduction. He had never seen an action film that started out with quite literally such a mindfuck of a bang...

Oh dear God, have I ever experienced far too many fucking crappy Alias episodes that have started in the exact same fucking way...

The problem with Mission: Impossible III for me was that it was directed and eventually played out almost exactly like an episode of Alias would. And why wouldn't it, considering Mission Impossible was always one of the sources for the very show that eventually would star Jennifer Garner?...

Just like with every Alias episode, things start out decently in MI3 until the middle of the episode, where the plotline just falls apart once you realize there really ain't any plotline there whatsoever...

The first battle scene in Mission Impossible III was good, very good actually. I actually found it not only epic but also original, how helicopters were duking it out in European windfarm of a battlefield... And JJ Abrams was pretty clever there with the techno-tricks and all. All the sticky grenades, machine guns with fucking PC trackballs, and the ol' bomb in the head trick actually made for one hell of an opening bout...

The problem is, I've just seen it all before. Hell, didn't JJ Abrams just use that fucking bomb in the head thing in Alias just the other week? If anything, I thought the tech in Mission Impossible III was less advanced, less innovative and less interesting overall than the fucked up shit we get from Marshall every week in goddam Alias...

Goddammit, JJ Abrams even went so far as to replicate his success in Marshall with his fucking Scottish clone here in the film. Yet I'm just sorry, but lightning just doesn't strike twice (unless you're on the island of Lost, I suppose)...

There were just too many ridiculous moments in MI3 for me to actually give a serious recommendation for this film. Take the bridge battle for instance, where Tom Cruise armed with just a fucking HK GR36 (with one ammo clip, might I add) is able to fend off against a fucking fighter jet of all things. WTF?...

I wish there was some real suspense in that scene. And perhaps there was, considering Tom Cruise's little side-kicks looked to be potential cannon fodder in the battle... But as for the main stars of the film ever being in real peril? Considering this was all being directed by the man who tries his hardest to make Jennifer Garner into an immortal goddess of wigs, do I really expect anything different from Tom fucking Cruise?...

But like I said, my brother absolutely loved MI3, and that's probably because he's never experienced the JJ Abrams formula through Alias or Lost before. And to be honest, I do have to agree with him on some points, no matter how moot...

The Italian Job (or Vatican job here, really) was surprisingly well done. Sure, it was far less hi-tech in execution than whenever Sydney Bristow would steal a fucking briefcase from a loser villain of the week. But seeing Tom Cruise put a fucking still photograph in front of a fucking security camera had me entertained enough as is, as dumbass as it was...

But also the little clever moments, like Owen Davian being doubled in the washroom, were definitely more than welcome in this world where spy movies are now far and between. And besides, how the fuck can I possibly hate a scene that not only had a) a fucking hot Chinese bitch in a sexy dress, b) a fucking hot Italian car dressed in yellow, and c) the fucking hot Chinese bitch blowing up the Italian car in a fucking smokin' hot ball of fire? What the fuck is there to complain about?...

But you see? That scene was about the equivalent of the middle commercial break of Alias, before the rest of the episode just sort of starts falling downhill into a jumbled mess of absolute JJ Abrams shit...

I will admit here that I thought Brassels would be evil in the end. And to be honest? I felt cheated that he wasn't... Why bother bringing Morpheus of Matrix fame into the cast and crew, when the whole extent of his involvement would be a) boring speeches about pills (not that that's anything new to him), b) Tom Cruise stealing his patented Matrix air kicks near the end, and c) Neo going down the rabbit hole to get the goddam Rabbit's Foot? WTF?...

I really thought the Rabbit's Foot would've been used in the movie so much better than it was, yet all it turned out to be was just a fucking movie prop with a generic label on top. WTF?... It was a cool idea to have Tom Cruise swing from one building to another to get to the device in Shanghai, but why the fuck were we cheated out of all the action that happened between that moment and Ethan jumping out of the fucking building? For such a big budget film, I don't like being kept in the dark, as it just ends up feeling cheap...

I did think that Brassels was evil, I will admit that. But it was also goddam obvious to anyone (or should've been, at least) that Musgrave was in on the whole thing. Why else would. JJ Abrams make him seem so fucking dumbass when admitting he knew about the whole Vatican Job to the boss?...

I thought the two were working together or some shit like that, as it definitely seemed like Brassels gave Musgrave the green light to let Tom Cruise escape from IMF headquarters. But it turns out in the end, Brassels was just the patsy being set-up, and we were given the absolute worst MWAHAHA villain speech later on from Musgrave, that I think I've ever seen JJ Abrams direct before in his fucking life...

So, huh? Let me get this straight... Owen Davian is a fucking terrorist. He likes to collect weapons of mass destruction and pawn them off to the highest bidder. And Musgrave (working alone in his insanity, might I add) thinks he's George Bush or something, using Davian to locate who and where the weapons end up being sold to, and then sending in democracy to save the day? WTF?...

That's it? Just one fucking moronic IMF agent? That's the whole conspiracy? Who the fuck thought up this shit?...

The part that I couldn't stand the most though (besides Keri Russell being in the fucking film. WTF?), was the sappy moment that I could see coming from a mile away the moment that Julia was announced to be a nurse. I mean, you have the opening scene of Tom Cruise with a fucking bomb in his brain, and then the next you have the revelation that the only way to save him would be to kill him and bring him back. It sure as hell doesn't take a neuro-brain surgeon to realize what the fuck happens next...

I admit I was confused by the doubling of Julia. I should've seen it coming, considering we are talking about Mission Impossible here. But I'm man enough to admit that I was shocked to see Julia dead before Ethan's very eyes... When the truth was revealed, I was impressed by the script then and there. It was clever writing, and definitely did serve to be the best overall highlight of the film...

And then we got some bullshit scenes of her saving the day and her saving her fucking husband's life...

I mean, I hate Alias and I fucking can't stand Lost. Is it really any wonder than, that I'd hate the film that JJ Abrams even stuffed fucking Lost clues into the fucking end credits?...

Well, "hate" is not exactly the right term. I did enjoy the first half of the film, with the brilliant helicopter scene and a pretty nice con-job in the Vatican...

It's just that, the plotline of the fucking movie still wracks my fucking brain with its fucking stupidity...