IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest 2006...

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IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest 2006

"You know, there are still times when I wish I watched Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl in theatres. It was a movie that absolutely shocked and floored me with its fun and quality, a film that I've been able to watch time and time again on DVD yet never get bored...

I was hoping for more of the same from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.

But sometimes, I guess you just expect a bit too much from a sequel, you know?...

It's been almost two weeks since I saw Dead Man's Chest in theatres. Hell, I actually saw it on opening weekend, when the film shattered all records with a frickin' $132 million box office gross. And what is the film at now? Almost at $300 million worldwide in just three weeks?...

If this was the first Pirates of the Caribbean we were talking about here, I would definitely approve. But alas, there was just something about Dead Man's Chest that seemed to be lacking, to the point where I kinda did find the film fun but ultimately disappointing in the end...

Obviously, the fact that the movie was a cliffhanger was a huge turn-off in the end. Some were shocked and awed I suppose by the return of Captain Barbosa, but I simply sat there instead with a "WTF" kind of look on my face. I mean, I know Pirates exists in a world were death has no meaning, but did the film already have to spoil the sacrifice made by Captain Jack Sparrow (oh right, big spoilers there... kinda forgot...) by pretty much announcing that anyone can return at anytime from the World's End?...

Although I guess all the promo pictures from the finality of the trilogy, showcasing Jack Sparrow in the most ridiculous of costumes, kinda gave away that fact as well. Oops?...

Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed Pirates of the Caribbean for what it was, and a large part of that was very much due to Jack Sparrow. I do agree with some of the critics, that Johnny Depp wasn't nearly as natural as everyone's favourite captain of the Black Pearl as he was in the original, but who here actually couldn't find something to like in his character? He was a bit oddball at first when it came to meeting Bootstrap (or Booze-strap?) Bill in the bowels of his ship, but it all started making sense once the purpose of his compass was truly revealed. And if anything, the man deserves huge props for having one kickass entrance with a bullet blast through a frickin' casket. Trust me, the man's got style...

The movie itself sort of lacked its own flavour though. What can you expect afterall, for a film that was over two and half hours goddam long? And this is supposed to be a kids movie, or a movie for all ages? WTF? How the fuck could you expect to bring your entire family safely to a film like this, where the intro features ravens and vultures pecking at prisoners' eyeballs, and the rest of the film showcases cannibals pulling a Hannibal Lector and a Green Goblin on Orlando Bloom's Disney World ass? WTF?...

But if there's one reason to think at first glance that Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest is a children's movie, it's the villains. I know Disney couldn't just copy the same kind of CG characters that they had in the original, but I sort of wished that they had. I found Davy Jones and his crew of barnacled sea creatures to be a great feat in terms of special effects, but it just looked ridiculous to watch a man try to be threatening while having a head shaped like a goddam hammer head shark. The enemies were just too cartoony for my tastes, which kinda sucked considering almost the entire film was centered on some CG creature trying to be a badass but failing absolutely miserably in battle...

Dead Man's Chest simply crammed way too much action into its two and a half hour span, making me lose my fucking attention span almost halfway through the film. Because was it just me, or did Pirates 2 feel like just one long, huge scene wrapped up altogether, rather than have the perfectly timed and paced moments that truly made its prequel a classic?...

In the original Pirates of the Caribbean, we had amazing moments of actual comic relief, like Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swann drinking it up while stranded on the beach. Ironically, probably the only truly light-hearted moment that I actually got the chance and time to laugh at in the sequel, was when the characters all once again found themselves on a deserted island, and Orlando Bloom brought up the whole turtle rescue story all over again. Nostalgia (and his fiancee) are such a bitch...

I prefer proper pacing in my films, thank you very much. Every film needs slow character moments to build tension or build intimacy and chemistry with the other actors. The problem is, there were just so few of those moments in Dead Man's Chest, and even those were rushed to some extent. Meeting Bootstrap Bill for the first time on the Black Pearl was alright I guess, but his reunion with his son just flat out sucked. How the fuck are we supposed to relate to the two getting back together in some form or another, when nobody in the fucking theatre could even figure out just how the fuck to play that goddam dice game they were wagering their souls on?...

Ironically, while a lot of fans have complained that the cannibal parts of the film were absolutely not needed (and should've been cut to reduce on the film's budget and time constraints), those were actually the moments I enjoyed the most. Because besides the water-wheel fight at the end, the only truly creative battles that reminded me of the stunts and zany stints from the original film, were all featured against the goddam cannibals. Whether it was Orlando Bloom swinging like a sissy in an American Gladiator boner of a ball, or Captain Jack Sparrow duking it out with a wooden post on his back and a ton of fruit weighing him down, I actually was able to enjoy the Jackie Chan sort of humour in these imaginative fights...

And who the fuck could ever not think that it was completely badass for Johnny Depp to have had those freaky painted eyelids while sitting on the throne? It was the little moments like that that I treasured, more than any dead man's chest of cursed Aztec gold could ever provide...

Jack Sparrow's character definitely grew in Pirates of the Caribbean 2. And it's really no wonder, considering he starred in the film almost way too much for his own good. We almost got an overdose of that overbearing personality that almost won the actor a goddam Oscar, as I often got sick of his act when it came to trying to outsmart Davy Jones by offering 100 souls for his own, or mocking the former Commodore for his drunken antics. It all felt a bit too forced in this film compared to the original, but true to his character, Johnny Depp really brought it home at the end. To be honest, just him starring at the compass during the final Kraken battle to help him decide what he truly wanted, was my favourite Jack Sparrow moment in the entire damn film. And like I said, his sacrifice really showed a hell of a lot of growth in his character...

... sigh... I just wish I could say the same for the rest of the crew of the Black Pearl...

Orlando Bloom was the fucking whipping boy of the film, both figuratively and literally. His moments with his father were ruined not only by bad CG effects crawling out of the walls, but by the fact that the two just didn't have any real chemistry whatsoever. I mean seriously, how the fuck were we supposed to give a shit about Orlando Bloom getting slashed and dotted to his death by his father, when a) I've been spanked harder in the ass than he was there, and b) all the fucking teen bitches in the audiences were squealing in joy at the actor's fucking ripped shirt? The dice game later on absolutely made no sense whatsoever, and I just didn't give a damn about Bootstrap's sacrifice there. What's the point of giving an eternity of servitude to a man who will probably be dead (or really dead...) by the end of the third film?...

And how the fuck could the English actor, Orlando Bloom, ever like Stellan Skarsgard? Didn't the latter try to invade England or some crap like that? How the fuck could anyone sympathize with that god-awful villain of a voice that almost ruined King Arthur by its own goddam self? Why the fuck did Disney even hire this lameass actor? Were they 'bootstrapped' for cash? WTF?...

But like I said, Orlando Bloom was the complete whipping boy of this film. Because really, what character development did he really get? He was arrested right off the bat for a reason that seemed forced and hokey at best by the writers, then was sent running from fucking parrots and cannibals for the next half of the film. By the time he finally managed to catch his breath, he was sent and got stuck on the Flying Dutchman by trusting in Jack Sparrow, and forced into the hard menial labour of the most meaningless parts of the film. I mean sure, he got a few Legolas hero moments in by getting an entire innocent ship wasted by the Kraken, and then got his fucking heart broken by that fucking whore of a fiancee bitch who seemed ready to fuck the hell out of that other bad boy Pirate to be?...

Now, I'd say that was a pretty shitty ass day for the pretty boy from the middle age, wouldn't you? And deservingly so, mind you...

Keira Knightley was given comedic moments to shine, yet I didn't give a single shit about anything she really did in the film. So what if she managed to steal the seals of pardon away from the big evil East India Corporation, when she was dumb enough to get tracked by a spy she trusted? I guess I was supposed to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of that flying ghost of a dress of hers, if only the actress really wasn't so damn flat that she actually did look like the fucking swabbing boy on deck. If only the actress there was desperately looking for another naked stowaway whore on board just as the captain so ordered and the doctor prescribed, maybe then would I give a shit about Keira Knightley...

I really felt no chemistry between her and Will Turner whatsoever, completely unlike the first film. The writers didn't even bother to write any real scenes between them in, as her only moments with her fiance were first in a jailcell, and later as she was bitching and complaining on the beach as the trio of men were duking it out in a duel over her honor. Must all women be a goddam pain in the ass when we guys are doing "men" stuff?...

Strangely enough, the only scene with Keira Knightley that I did enjoy was when she was seducing Captain Jack Sparrow with her speeches about doing the right thing, about giving in to "curiousity". Ironically, I think almost the entire audience felt far more of a spark and chemistry between her and Johnny Depp in that scene than we ever felt between her and Orlando Bloom. And then yet at the end of the film, like any good slut and whore and bitch would do, she seduces the poor Johnny Depp again, this time into sacrificing himself to the fucking gullet of the Kraken. And after all that, she still has the fucking audacity to pretend like everything was fine (even after 'cheating' on her fiance), and was willing to sacrifice all of their lives just to get back the soul of the man that she fucked, fucked over and damned in the first place? WTF?...

Then again, maybe Dead Man's Chest was perhaps the Empire Strikes Back of the trilogy, the kind of film where the bad guy wins for really no reason whatsoever, and it really takes multiple viewings to truly understand what the director and writers were trying to get at. Or several fucking viewings to just fucking try to understand whatever the fuck that black Jamaican of a Yoda bitch was trying to tell all the guys with her goddam jar of dirt...

The East India Company was just sort of thrust into the thick of things after no mention whatsoever of them in the first film. I didn't really have a problem with that, but rather with the fact that all of their scenes were boring as hell. The first Pirates of the Caribbean had awesome explanations of the curse of the Black Pearl and the Aztec gold from Barbosa, who just had this amazing way of making even average speeches on paper seem like fucking treasure on film. I just felt no animosity towards the goddam evil corporation of the British empire though, as they were really only there to set up the wacky sort of adventure that would bring Will Turner back together with Captain Jack Sparrow...

I was shocked and pleasantly surprised at least, that the writers managed to fit Commodore Norrington back into the film. I didn't even recognize him has a drunkard, and was shocked once again when he turned out to be a turncoat. Ironically, if you think about it, he was the only character in the film who didn't lose a single thing throughout the duration of this film. Davy Jones lost his heart, Orlando Bloom lost his fucking fiance, Keira Knightley lost her breasts, and obviously Captain Jack Sparrow lost his life. But through the thick and thin of it all, Norrington came out with the heart of Davy Jones on top, and was unselfish enough to only ask for his old career back in return?...

And a lot of people have raved that Davy Jones was a great and threatening villain, but I just didn't feel it. What did he really do that was threatening or even convincing one least bit? He ordered the death of a few filthy men who were already too fucking ugly to be let back to sea, and then he played a fucking dice game with Orlando fucking Bloom. How the fuck is that supposed to be evil? Are we supposed to hate him because he plays the organ badly and has a beard like Saddam Hussein's? WTF?...

I really didn't think his character was fleshed out nearly enough in this film, as we didn't even get a proper explanation of why the fuck he ripped out his own heart for a girl, and how the fuck he survived with a fucking beating heart in his chest. The first film had a great backstory about Barbosa and the mutiny for the Black Pearl, but we didn't even get a single comment about the fate of the Flying Dutchman here or why the fuck Davy Jones could control the Kraken in the first place. WTF?...

At least the Kraken battle scenes were decent, and featured some of the best damn CG timing and effects I've ever seen in a film. It almost looked natural, to witness sailors be ripped from the decks of their ships through walls, or for masts to be torn asunder as if they were made of fucking paper. I actually thought that next to the cannibal fruit and water wheel moments, that seeing the pirate crew fight off the Kraken with fucking rum of all things was the goddam highlight of the film. I will give huge props to Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer for making the Kraken come to life, not just through CG magic but by an amazing musical score, but I still didn't enjoy the torrent pacing of the entire film. There was just too much generic rage, carnage and teen angst for me to really perk up and give a shit about...

Now, if only the suggestions I had gotten from all the film poster advertisements had become a reality, and that Davy Jones did use the Kraken to fucking hentai tentacle rape Keira Knightley until her breasts finally did perk up and she squirted out the entire sea? Then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have been almost falling asleep by the goddam end of the film...

But as it stands now? Two and a half hours of non-stop action, as weird as this sounds to say, was just way too fucking much for me...

Now, to be perfectly honest? The first time I watched both the first Pirates of the Caribbean and National Treasure, I wasn't all that impressed. I had a good time on the first viewings, sure, but it wasn't until I got the chance to the watch those films again and again and again on DVD, that I truly did appreciate just how amazing of an adventure both of those movies really did turn out to be in the end...

Maybe the same will happen with Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest? Who really knows?...

I can only hope so, considering I did indeed have a fun time in the theatre, for the better part of two and a half bloody hell hours at least...

... it was just a little overwhelming in my eventual disappointment though, that's all...

Because Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest did indeed feel a bit too much like a Disney Park theme ride. It was thrilling, yes, but ultimately shallow and unsatisfying...

Sure, the body and form of The Curse of the Black Pearl was all then and there?...