IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of Snakes on a Plane 2006...

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It's like spaghetti and motherfucking meatballs. The perfect motherfucking match...

... absolutely the best fucking idea evar, since motherfucking snakes and motherfucking planes were invented by man...

The internet hype for Snakes on a Plane was simply enormous. Hell, thanks to the mere facts that the title was "Snakes on a Plane" and that the film starred motherfucking Samuel L. Jackson on a motherfucking plane, I myself (as a true internet nerd) hath been hyped to hell to see this movie for the past three fucking months of my life, if not longer...

It's just such a shame that the word of mouth for the film just couldn't save it from a mediocre box office return. But suffice to say, I really do think that no matter how corny or cool you may think the title of the film may be? It's definitely one of the best B-rated shock and awe films I've seen in years, and definitely will be a big hit either through DVD sales or at least through the motherfucking torrents on the motherfucking net...

How the fuck can you possibly harp on a film that calls itself "Snakes on a Plane"? Since when can we ever damn say that a film delivered exactly what it promised?...

And truth be told, it did. It delivered exactly that which the title foretold like a goddam Oracle. Sure, it may have taken almost half of the movie for the first motherfucking snake to bite some poor bitch's boobs or suck on some goddam man's cock, but the end result was well worth the wait...

What's the plot of the film? As Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson might say, there is no plot. Why should there be? We're talking about Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane here, not some goddam Academy Award winning Grammy novel or some crap like that. Though truth be told, this film definitely does deserve the award for Best Movie Evar, if only because it takes itself too seriously without ever actually believing in its own shit...

The only reason to go to see Snakes on a Plane, is literally to see snakes on a plane. They're released from captivity, after some generic Chinese bad guy somehow managed to sneak them all in, just to take down the plane and kill one stupid witness to a crime. And then the snakes (all with perfect 20/20 evil green vision, might I add) lay havoc and let slip the dogs of war on the cast and crew, in an almost Shakespearean twisted tale of tragic loss and personal redemption...

Do we even need to talk about the rest of the cast here? There's a generic business asshole who gets swallowed by a boa constrictor, there's a newlywed couple who both start foaming at the mouth from a bunch of cobra bites, there's a spoiled little bitch that loses her handbag dog to the House of Slitheren, and then there's some fat ass black guys who ironically never end up dying. Instead, they actually end up saving the day with their motherfucking Sony PSPs and their motherfucking PS2 flight simulator skills...

First of all, I don't know of any decent flight simulator games for the motherfucking Sony PS2. What the fuck kind of unrealistic movie is this?...

And second, ain't the black brothers always the first to die? What the fuck kind of motherfucking movie is this?...

Well, I guess Samuel L. Jackson sure as hell had his say then. Especially considering that out of the 35 million budget for this film, Samuel L. was the one who took up over 30 million of that shit...

But how the fuck could he ever turn down an offer, to be in a motherfucking film about motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane?

He jumped at the opportunity. Wouldn't you? We're talking about motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane here...

He truly was a badass motherfucking in the film. He zapped snakes with tasers, he crushed them with axes, he fried them with blow-torches, and he blew them the fuck out of windows. Hell, the first thing my brother asked me after I told him I saw Snakes on a Plane, was whether Samuel L. Jackson ever got to shoot the goddam snakes with his badass mofo, motherfucking gun? And of course he did. What the fuck kind of film would it have been if he hadn't? Not Motherfucking Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane, that's for sure...

I am a bit disappointed though, that Samuel L. just didn't have enough of those classic kinds of lines you'd expect from a Samuel L. authentic asskicking movie. I mean, sure he had a couple of decent one liners here and there, as obviously I think everyone by now has heard it all enough, to be motherfucking sick and motherfucking tired of motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane. But still, even so, I for one sure as hell could've used more of his badass cliches though, as really that one line of his alone will probably be the only one to truly be quoted and broadcast across the globe until the end of time through cheapss radio shows and Shakespearean soliloquies...

Obviously, Snakes on a Plane is not the greatest film of the ages. But sincerely, we're talking about motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane here. You get exactly what the title of the film promises, and that is motherfucking Samuel L. Jackson whooping the candy asses of motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane...

If that's not enough to cause certain anatomy parts of your body to rise and hiss like a serpent? Then I guess, you just don't get it...