IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of Superman Returns 2006...

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I'm probably one of the few Superman fans out there who not only have never seen the original films, but rather refuse to watch them since they seem so goddam inane and ridiculous, even compared to the source comic books. Sure, maybe twenty years ago people could believe that a superhero could turn back time by spinning the world backwards on its axis or throw cellophane S-symbols at Kryptonian enemies, but I just don't see it working in this day and age any longer...

And since I'm a member of the new breed of comic book lore? The fact of the matter is, I was disappointed as hell when I learned that Superman would rather just return and not be reborn. I loved Batman Begins and I really do think that the Superman series needed a complete reboot on film, if only for the current generation of comic book movie watchers like me out there today. And I absolutely couldn't stand Bryan Singer's man-whore crush on the original films, to the point where he even duplicated the goddam primitive computer effects of the opening credits of the past. WTF?...

Who the fuck does he think he is? George Lucas? WTF? What the fuck was he thinking, because?...

"Superman gets his ass kicked by Kumar? Kumar? WTF?... And where the fuck was Harold then, Mr. 'bullets, my one weakness; how did you know'? Could he beat Superman's ass too? WTF?"...

It never gets old. Or at least, it should get old but it never does, how dumbass Superman can be whenever kryptonite is involved. I mean, shouldn't he have just stayed at a distance and threw fucking rocks like meteorites at Lex Luthor on his new little island, considering that not only has Kryptonite been stolen from a museum, but that fucking Jor'el had probably told him that the growth crystals inherit the properties of their surrounding minerals as well? And yet Superman makes the fifty year old mistake of just sweeping in, posing for Parker Posey, and thinking it would all go to plan? WTF?...

Alright, I think it's safe to say that the plotline of Superman Returns seems about as hokey as an average episode of goddam Smallville. Why the fuck is Lex Luthor trying to grow a new continent, when the Fortress of Solitude plainly proves that not only are the crystals too damn useless to make flat land to build on, but that there's no fucking way you can grow food or irrigate on the rocks it creates with fresh water either? Why the fuck would people move to his new continent, when besides having a land mass itself, there's no fucking way to survive there in the first place? And how the fuck is telling all this to Lois Lane supposed to make things run smoother? Can't the US military just nuke his bald ass to hell? WTF?...

Then again, we're talking about comic book movies here, where Batman villains using microwave emitters to make a city go psychotic is considered a "smart" plotline in this day and age. Whatever...

I just expected more from Kevin Spacey, you know? He's a damn fine actor, but his role as Lex Luthor here was marred right off the bat by the fact that Bryan Singer has a fucking hard on for the dumb as shit Lex Luthor of the past. I was hoping for something more along the lines of Michael Rosenbaum's portrayal of the character in Smallville, where he's a ruthless businessman who will do anything for power. We got that in Superman Returns at first when he's giving his huge speech about Prometheus and bringing fire to the people, but then we got the dumbass version of the 70's character chewing on his toothbrush as Lois Lane screams like a bitch at fucking wigs of all things? How the fuck is he ever supposed to be threatening? WTF?...

Lex Luthor in Superman Returns was instead treated as the goddam comic relief, spinning out some insane realty plan just like he did in the first Superman film or whatever sort of crap. As a result, Superman never really faces an opponent worthy of his strength and challenge. I mean for God's sakes, Superman got the beat down by Kumar of all people, and Lex Luthor was once again too damn dumbass to just stab Clark Kent in the eye with his fucking kryptonite sliver. Instead, he stabbed the super-healing wonder in the one place where it would take him the longest to possibly die, and then just assumed it would all go to plan. I can take this shit in the comic books and cartoons, but Batman Begins has made me expect a hell of a lot more from the line of DC graphical novel movies...

Really, the climax of the film involved Superman bench-pressing the equivalent of Hawaii, and even that wasn't done to my satisfaction. I know that he had just gotten a supercharge from the Sun and all, and sure he was lifting a large part of the seabed that was beneath the kryptonite structure for the most part, but how the fuck can Superman possibly lift more than ten thousand tonnes of mass into fucking space when halfway up, fucking kryptonite crystals started fucking with his ear. And didn't he still have a piece of that kryptonite shit in his gut? We're just supposed to assume that because he was being all badass for Lois, that he can defeat his one true weakness of bullets all of a sudden? WTF?...

It's kind of sad that the most "realistic" character in Superman Returns turned out to be Richard White in the end. He was a strong character in terms of doing what's right and being completely pussy whipped by Lois Lane, even if she loved another man. But the thing is, must James Marsden and fucking Cyclops always be the fucking bitch in the love triangle? He got the beat down by Wolverine in the X-men movies, then got fucking vaporized by his own ungrateful girlfriend, and now he's gone over to the DC world to get the cold shaft by another bitch yet again?...

And yet you know something is wrong with a film, when Cyclops of all superheroes rescues Superman from the depths of the ocean. And something is definitely wrong, when you actually feel that James Marsden is the top damn actor in a goddam movie...

Both Perry White and Jimmy Olsen were decently casted I guess, but there just wasn't enough time in the film to handle either of those characters with the respect that they deserve. Perry had a huge spiel about why the hell Superman was wearing new tights in his return, and Jimmy at least welcomed Clark Kent back to the office with open arms. But besides that, these characters were invisible for the most part, with Perry even looking like a complete dumbass whenever he ignored the blackout and the fact that Lex Luthor was missing in action yet again. Don't these characters ever learn?...

After watching Smallville for so many years, I was actually expecting that Ma Kent would get some decent screen time over in Superman Returns. But it's shameful to admit that I wanted her to roll over and die as she was waiting for Clark to revive outside of the hospital at the end, as she absolutely had no fucking impact on the movie whatsoever. Even fucking Parker Posey was able to steal the show, bringing over her Blade 3 vampire dogs to cannibalize each other, and at least Kitty did a decent job in bringing to life the old skool feeling of the 50's with her distractions of outfits. But what the fuck did Martha Kent do? Disturb us all by fondling her fucking naked son as he crashed landed back on earth? Is that where he got his stalker sixth sense from? WTF?...

Does she count as a MILF? Why was she barely featured in the film whatsoever? Is that why Harold was nowhere to be found? WTF?...

And why the fuck did Superman have to go back to Krypton naked? How the fuck did he even get to shit in his little spacecraft? WTF?...

It was just lame that Superman would return to Krypton in a two and a half year journey, just to check out the scenery and go, "yup, it's dead". And then soar all the way back and arrive on earth five years later, as if fucking Lois Lane wouldn't have moved on with her life or the world didn't blow itself to shit. Now, I'm sure that somebody out there would've noticed the coincidence of Superman, Clark Kent and Lex Luthor all returning to the front page of the news on the very same day. However, that day certainly isn't today nor will it ever be at the Daily Planet...

The newcomer to the series was the son of Superman, who affected me so damn little throughout the course of the film that I don't even remember his goddam name. He was plagued with asthma and allergies the whole way through, which probably will prevent any Marvel vs DC battles featuring Superman Jr. anytime soon. But we know that he's indeed the son of the son of Krypton, simply because of the fact he tore the generic dumbass guard of the week a new one. I liked how he didn't even understand the extent of his powers, but I did not enjoy the fact that future sequels will be fucked over by the fucking annoying new kid on the block...

That's how the series is going, if the kid doesn't meet an untimely demise in the next fucking film...

Because when a fucking child shoving a piano is one of your biggest suspense scenes, then you know something is fucking wrong...

Superman Returns was simply not an action film. In fact, the only decent action sequence in the whole two and half movie came nearly at the start, when Superman returns to save the plane with Lois Lane on it from crashing into a fucking American baseball stadium of all things. How iconic...

Now, don't get me wrong. I loved that scene to death, even if we knew nobody was really in danger. Just the sights and sounds of seeing Superman lift the fucking plane as if were a toy was spectacular, and he even added a bit of comic relief there in the end as well. I didn't see the film in IMAX, but I assume it would've looked simply amazing to watch Superman soar right on by the speeding plane crashing down to earth. But like I said, that was the only truly great action sequence in the entire film, and that just doesn't feel right for the comic book genre...

Talk about teen angst here. And I thought I was watching a Superman film, not fucking Smallville of all things...

Kate Bosworth was worth the role of the long lost love of Clark Kent, but not the role of Lois Lane. I know that she's settled down with her son and with poor fucking abused Cyclops of all losers, and therefore she wouldn't be quite the sassy girl she once was. But what really bugs me is that she had absolutely none of that old flair, but rather just spent the entire movie pining over the man of steel. She was simply there as a fucking prop to be in love and fall in love with the hero of the day. And sure, Kate did a great job at that, but the story just didn't let her be a good Lois Lane, you know?...

But this is a Superman film we're talking about here. Who the fuck cares about anything else than Superman?...

Brandon Routh was obviously taken not just because he looks a bit like Christopher Reeve, but because he acts almost identically to him as well. Bryan Singer still has a hard-on for the Superman of the 70's and 80's, just like so many nostalgics do (although Reeve did kick ass, God rest his soul). But isn't it time that we had a bit of a new take on Superman? Perhaps, but at least I did enjoy what we were given here for what it's Bos-worth...

There have always been two sides to Superman, and Brandon Routh pretty much nailed both to a perfect T (or the letter 'S', if you prefer). Smallville as a series has always been lacking simply because, except for the plaid, Clark Kent has never really felt like the nerdy Clark Kent. That's not the case here, where Superman is just so uncoordinated as his daily reporter self that he literally does look like he's going to fall over whenever he gets hit by a book, or trip in embarrassment everytime he watches Lois behind her desk. The thing about Smallville is that Clark never even bothers to pretend like he has an alter ego in that series, while here in Superman Returns, it almost feels natural for Clark Kent to be such a klutz. I mean, the guy even has a geekier hand wave than I do, and how the fuck could you not appreciate that?...

Then of course, there's the true face of Superman. Brandon Routh really does seem like a completely different character when he dons the cape, and I really enjoyed his performance as the show-boaty, cocky as hell Superman. I mean, was it really necessary for him to face down that Gatling Gun as if it was the toughest SOB he ever met, and then just let the bastard try to shoot him with a bullet to the eye? WTF?...

I suppose it was all necessary, just for shits and giggles, because that's what makes Superman who he is. He's smart and strong (obviously), the cocky bastard of a alpha man. Brandon Routh just contrasts the face of Superman so damn much with Clark Kent wearing those glasses he never needs, that the two really do feel like completely different people. As stupid as Richard White and Lois seemed for never seeing through the whole secret identity charade, I could almost believe it here thanks to Brandon Routh truly bringing and being the best of both worlds...

Or three worlds actually, as there has always been the third side to Superman, the side that nobody really wants to admit...

Was it just me, or did he look like he was almost feeling up Lois Lane with his X-ray vision? Sure, he was playing doctor and checking her out, but it was clear as daylight that he was also "checking her out". And is it really necessary for him to keep invading her privacy, by seeing right through the walls of her house when she's not even looking, or hoping to God that she undresses in the elevators like he always does? Does he just like kinky office nooners and shit like that, because everyone knows he probably X-ray scans the woman's washrooms everytime Lois Lane needs to finger out some relief on her afternoon breaks...

And the thing is, I loved this side of Superman. As creepy as it all was, Brandon Routh pulls it off to the point where he really does seem more like a man desperately in love rather than just a sick stalker like that Spiderman bastard over in New York...

And then there was the fourth side of Superman, the self-fullfilling prophecy that the son would become the father. He was no longer the last son of Krypton, and I actually found it touching how he cared so much for the child that didn't yet know who he was. Maybe it's just the nostalgic in me, even though I never watched the original films or some shit like that, but I really did feel a connection with the words of Jor'el that Superman was now passing on to his son. Sure, I may hate the kid as much as the world hates Dakota Fanning, but I really do think Brandon Routh pulled off the father and son aspect of the film to near perfection...

Now, the thing is, I did almost expect Superman Returns to suck ass as much as Cyclops ever had. I mean, like I said before, I am no fan of the original four films (or the first two films, since even Bryan Singer is ignoring the latter two). I really did hope for a reboot of the series, for a Superman Begins where he beats on Batman's ass or some crap like that...

... but that didn't stop Bryan Singer and his man-whore crush on the blue tights, of course...

Because what we got instead, was a flawed movie that still felt like a true homage to the epic of Superman, if only because of Brandon Routh's amazing performance. And if only because of the love and attention to detail that only Bryan Singer can bring to a comic book film...

From every sonic boom and every heat flare from the atmosphere, from every gust of wind to the very way that Superman would float so effortlessly and magically in the air, I really did think that Bryan Singer brought to life all the little things that made and still make Superman the true hero that we all cherish and love. Probably my most memorable moment of the entire film was when Lois Lane reached for her cellphone in zero gravity, when she and we all experience the calm before the storm, while Superman billows by the window sill at blistering speeds...

Now, I may always lament the lack of action in Superman Returns, but it really did feel like a real Superman film, you know? The heart and soul were all here in spades and plaid...

And despite all my reservations and hesitations? Well, I will still be there, front row and centre, yet again...