IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of X-Men 3: The Last Stand 2006...

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IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of
X-Men 3: The Last Stand 2006

The thing is, I think it's now safe to assume that X3 will garner even more fucking money for Fox than either of the first Xmen movies ever did. Which is quite a shame, considering that in my honest opinion at least? X3 was definitely the worst of the trilogy...

That's not to say it was a bad film though. It's just not what I had hoped, that's all...

If the critics have compared the original Xmen film to Star Wars: A New Hope, and a lot of fans still insist that X2 was the Empire Strikes Back of the series? Then it's a pretty safe comparison to claim that X-Men 3: The Last Stand is The Return of the Jedi of the franchise...

X3 suffers from a huge letdown of rushed proportions. While X2 may have been a bit to meticulous in pacing (and bored me at times as a result), X3 is just so damn hyped up on Ritalin and drugs that it just never feels like it does it characters time nor justice...

It's pretty safe to claim that absolutely none of the characters in the X-Men series really evolve or develop past their X2 personality and roles here in the third film... Sure, Storm becomes a leader, but it's not like Halle Berry can act her way out of a paper bag. So why should we care?... And Hugh Jackman gets to play the big ol' romantic hero, but if anything? That's a step down from his role in X2, where he seriously provided an intriguing father and son relationship when it came to both Professor X and Stryker...

A lot of fans have ripped apart the movie for Cyclops pretty much getting ripped into atoms within two minutes of film exposure time. But why should any of us be surprised? Why should any of us complain?...

Okay, the big change for the franchise is that <GASP> Professor Charles Xavier gets ripped apart by the mild mannered mind of Jean Grey. It would be a big gasping moment though, if the same thing hadn't already happened in the comic books a thousand times fold... with the same damn solution for immortality as we got in this film...

I mean, invasion of the body snatchers? Transferring your memories into some dumbass new body? WTF?...

God, the handicap pity sex must've been mad insane before they broke up (she's his former fiancee in the comics, if you don't know). Too bad the camera panned away before we got more mad hospital "welcome back from the dead" necrophilia sex after the ending credits finally rolled...

Now, there is one name above all else that X-Men film lovers loathe about the third in the trilogy. Just like Star Wars fan groan at the sight of George Lucas directing another one of his shitty ass films, even I can't help but roll my eyes at the thought of Brett Ratner taking over Bryan Singer's hard work and dreams...

And the difference in the two director's visions shows clearer than daylight at Alcatraz in this film. Bryan Singer actually cared about the emotion and motives and drive behind the characters of the X-Men universe, and tried his hardest to relate their issues to the modern world. Meanwhile, Brett Ratner rushed through every single emotional scene in the film except for Famke Janssen making every man and woman in the audience blush, as if he couldn't wait to get to the big ass explosions he had set up for Jackie Chan in his mind...

Take the whole Rogue, Iceman, and Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) love triangle for example. I mean seriously, how the fuck could a director possibly produce a more amateurish, teen angst angle on screen?...

Bobby Drake was a good character in X2, if only because he took the starring role of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in Joss Whedon's "coming out of the closet" to the parents scene. But what the fuck did he do in X3?... He completely ignored Rogue as if she didn't even exist in the film. He had a fucking Dragonball Z Saturday morning cartoon showdown with Pyro, finishing it all off with the worst CG T-1000 effect I have ever seen since T2. And he spent the rest of the fucking movie ice skating with a 19 year old girl who looked like she was 12...

According to the comic books, Iceman is an "Omega, Level 5 Mutant", just like Jean Grey. Apparently, this requires Bobby Drake to be horny and pedophillic as hell. WTF?...

Rogue was almost completely non-existent from the film. The only scene that she really even was noticed, was when Storm was ranting how there was nothing "wrong" about her, how there was nothing to cure... What a fucking bitch Halle Berry is. Sure, if you can control the weather and be treated like a goddess wherever you turn, there's nothing "wrong" about you. But Rogue not only can't touch a single living being without hurting them immensely, but is fucking losing her boyfriend to a fucking girl from grade school. WTF?...

I was surprised that Marie actually took the cure. Normally, a film would have her returning at the end in some big heroic fashion, as probably only her suction capabilities (along with Leech) could even remotely stall Phoenix in the end... I was shocked that she came back to such little fanfare with no powers whatsoever. But what difference does it make, when she's had absolutely nothing to do in the films since the original X-Men movie anyhew?...

And Storm here was a complete bitch the whole way through. Who's bright idea was it to give her more screentime? Who's genius idea was it to let her talk? WTF?... Why the fuck did the writers actually cave into Halle Berry's demands, when she turned out to be absolutely the worst leader in the history of the X-Men? I guess that's true for the comic books as well. But did we really have to get the most laughable eulogy about Professor X at his funeral to just prove that point? WTF?...

From an action point of view, Storm was improved I guess. Her spinning Chun-Li bird kick effect wasn't nearly as a bad as I was expecting, and it's always great to see one bitch in a catfight fry another with lightning bolts... But my God, is this so-called goddess just simply horrible at acting. It was both her and the fucking president who made this film feel like a fucking "Direct to Home" DVD movie with their fucking lame ass acting. All she did was whine and gripe to Wolverine the whole movie long...

How the fuck did this bitch win an Academy Award? I enjoyed her performance more in fucking Catwoman, for Christ's sakes...

I was surprised at Kitty Pryde though. Besides looking positively hot and illegal in a fucking X-Men jump-suit, she actually was given a significant role in the film. While I will never understand why we didn't get the Colossus versus Juggernaut showdown here that we always demand from the comics, I was still impressed at how Shadowcat battled the unstoppable behemoth in the final scene...

Brett Ratner didn't seem to give a damn about any of the pre-existing characters from Singer's reign. It definitely shows when Rogue gets the boot, yet guys like fucking Multiple Man of Charmed and Jason Dean fame get more fucking development time on screen...

But for his own new creations? Ratner actually gave the audience something to cheer for. Take Cain Marko for instance...

The crowd was roaring in approval at that line. It's both hilariously sad and funny at the same time, when a nod to an internet fan-made video of all damn things gets the biggest goddam reaction in the entire audience of nerds. WTF?...

Obviously, Juggernaut got the Sabretooth mindless minion treatment here. In the real comic books, Juggernaut is Professor X's step-brother and probably one of the biggest X-Men villains out there (next to Apocalypse, Mr. Sinister, and of course, Magneto). In the movie though, he was only here for shits and giggles... The thing is, Vinnie James actually did deliver those shits and giggles. I would've preferred a final epic battle to close out the X-Men trilogy, but it was still just somehow also enjoyable in a comic relief sort of way, to see Juggernaut ram through walls and fucking get his ass whooped by Kitty Pryde of all bitches. Talk about losing your fucking balls and pride...

Kelsey Grammer was introduced as Beast and Brett Ratner made sure that he was an awesome character. And Frasier certainly did not disappoint... As the intellectual mutant for the ages, Kelsey Grammer was a perfect choice to be an advisor to the president and a trusted friend of Charles Xavier. In fact, probably the only moments of Beast that I didn't like, was when he was making lame-ass puns and comebacks with Wolverine when they first met...

Rather than dwelling on that god awful script writing shit, I prefer to think back to the stunned look on Hank's face when he saw his hand shed its fur and turn back to normal upon approaching Leech. Just the little moments like that were Beast to the purest sense, and I just wish this film had more of them...

Instead, we got all the time in the film wasted on pure cannon fodder like Callisto and even fucking Pyro. I mean, why the fuck did they introduce Callisto as an enemy for Storm, when their whole Morlock story from the comics wasn't even mentioned, and Callisto isn't even supposed to have super fucking fast speeds in the first place?...

As for the summer student suddenly turned pyrotechnic psychopath? Besides getting beat down by Bobby Drake of all nerds, Pyro got his ass whooped by Magneto for claiming that Xavier deserved to die. Did the guy do anything else at all, besides a few pretty light shows in the final "Last Stand"? How the fuck did he turned completely ambiguously evil again?...

And who the fuck was the Spikey headed guy? Why the fuck should we care about him again? WTF?...

Brett Ratner spent the entire film hyping up his villains just for the major battles he would fight. The thing is though, there was just no meaning behind the battles, as absolutely none of the social-political aspects and modern day moral dilemmas of the first two films even got a chance to have their opinions heard in the third film... I mean, sure I may be no fan of preaching in the movies. But the spirit of the X-Men series itself just felt lacking as a fucking result of Ratner's obsession with just getting to the next explosion sequence...

A cure is found for the mutants, thanks to the mutant Leech (and yes, he is in the comics) getting his DNA replicated in a fucking Bright room. The thing is, why is the idea of locking this boy up for eternity and using him solely for medical purposes never even mentioned or argued?... Sure, I'd just claim that the boy already has more than he could ever want. While fucking Nicole Kidman and Samantha Carter to boot, he gets his own fucking free Xbox 360 in his room. What the fuck is there to complain about?... But still, it's absurdly annoying to me that the issue of his captivity was never even brought up. Isn't he supposed to have rights, you know?...

The only true issue that did come out was with the weaponization of the cure. Beast resigned as a result, but did we hear any more clamouring over the moral implications of such an action?... I actually agree with the wussy ass president in this film, that cure weapons were really the only way to subdue villains like Juggernaut, Multiple Man (maybe), and Mystique. But besides a few words from Magneto and getting some kick ass plastic military men action at the end of the film, did this fucking moral dilemma even cause a fucking stir in the movie at all? WTF?...

Why the hell did we never even get a real follow-up to Mystique's condition? She was robbed of her abilities, and left all alone and naked by Sir Ian McKellen (who apparently was not amused that the mutant could no longer shapeshift into the sex that he wanted...)... She should've been given time in the X-mansion for instance, learning what it means to be human and what it means to be fucked out of her supernatural abilities. Yet instead, all we got was a token scene of her being a "woman scorned", which led to nothing but a Magneto trap anyhew. How the fuck could Brett Ratner not only ruin but completely ignore one of the deepest characters of the first two movies? WTF?...

The cure was simply meant as an excuse to a) introduce Angel, who seemed to impress all the high school girls in the theatre I was in with his goddam Batman and Robin poses, and b) to wage a war between the humans and mutants again, just like the first film...

I do admit, Brett Ratner definitely does know his action. He just doesn't know how to build suspense or common sense, that's all...

I will gladly admit that the Golden Gate Suspension Bridge being ripped apart and built into a new bridge to Alcatraz was simply awe-inspiring, and right up there with one of the most impressive things that Magneto has ever done even in the comic books... What was not impressive however, was that Brett Ratner completely forgot that it was supposed to still be day when his fucking night battle began. And apparently, he never realized that maybe Magneto could fucking steal a ship or a ferry and use that to get to the fucking island instead. But whatever...

The first film in the X-Men series was absolutely the best film in the trilogy to me, simply because of the relationship between Wolverine, Professor X, and Magneto. While Charles Xavier was quickly wiped out of the picture here in X3, at least Ian McKellen was still here to pick up the pieces of his dignity that he still had left for being in the film... And besides being a complete wuss while Phoenix was tearing up her old home? I really did think that Eric Lensharr stole the show once again. His speeches were script writing at their worst, but he more than made up for it with every single look and glance he gave in the leadership of his mutant army...

Hell, Ian even did a great job of playing his younger self from 20 years before. While Patrick Stewart looked more like a white version of the Tasha Yar tar monster than Captain Picard of the first TNG season, I loved how the digital effects really did make Magneto look like his more youthful and vibrant former self... It wasn't just the digital make-up of that scene that I adored, but rather the fact that Charles Xavier and Magneto were still best friends at the time. The two actors really were astonishing in just the way that they perfectly played off of one another...

And hot damn, did Professor X ever want to tap that adolescent, Jean Grey ass...

(I'm not kidding either. Take one good look at the Onslaught comic book series if you want some proof...)...

A lot of fans have complained that Professor X manipulated Jean Grey, that he put mental blocks into her mind to prevent her from becoming the Phoenix. In essence, fans complained that Xavier was acting more like a villain than superhero in this film... The ironic thing is, these so-called complainers must have never fucking read the comic books in the first place. Because if anything, the Professor was far more true to the comics in X3 than he ever was before. He indeed did put mental blocks into Jean Grey's mind to prevent her from wrecking havoc with her powers, and these mental blocks really did get destroyed once the Phoenix Saga took place in the comic books...

Now, I didn't particularly mind the cure plotline in X3. Afterall, it led to a decent fight scene of Beast CG-ing all around, and Kitty Pryde kicking Juggernaut's ass and taking his name. I just thought it was all lame and unnecessary in the end, considering how fucking epic the Phoenix Saga could've and should've been if left alone...

The Phoenix Saga is right up there with the Death of Superman in terms of comic book arc popularity. It's such a fucking shame that the Phoenix never got the chance to truly shine in X3, as the vast majority of the film just had Famke Janssen in a fucking Neo trenchcoat in the background. She didn't even participate in the fucking human versus mutant battle at the end. I know she would've been bored as heck with all those worthless pawns, but still, WTF?...

For those of you who don't know, The Phoenix is arguably one of the most powerful beings in all of comic book lore, and supposedly could wipe out Superman with a single thought. And thankfully, at least we did get a small dose of what kind of limitless potential Jean Grey really has here as a true "Omega, Level 5" mutant, in what I consider to be the only a few select scenes worth really an entire damn in the fucking film...

First, the seduction scene. Wolverine and Jean getting it on was hot and bothersome, both in a good and bad way. Famke was fucking smokin' hot in her little tank top, and just had that kind of wild attitude that screamed "fuck me up the ass before I disintegrate your body with my cum". Or some shit like that... And even when Wolverine relented, obviously since his face was being blown apart by hot and horny fire? Jean Grey saves the scene once again by flinging him effortlessly across the room, then tearing the door off of the medical lab in a way that would make even Ian McKellen blush...

Second, the house scene. Obviously, having Wolverine against Juggernaut (and losing badly) and Storm against Callisto helped out in the Ritalin department. But the meat and potatoes was obviously Jean Grey and Professor X locked in a battle of the minds, which is a showdown that has happened in the comics before and still goes down as one of the best of all time... I was not surprised that the Professor would lose, considering he lost in the comic books to her before. I was however moved by just how epic the whole wrath of Jean Grey felt, as she ripped apart her house like a fucking banshee poltergeist screaming to be free...

Probably the only truly great Wolverine scene (except for perhaps his love for cigars) was when he was witnessing Jean blow away her mentor into ashes. It was a moment that literally lasted minutes on film, and probably was sadly the last thing that Brett Ratner actually spent his time and effort on filming, as the rest of the film just fucking felt rushed and wasted instead...

The one thing that truly felt missing in X3 was the old relationship we used to have between Wolverine and Professor X. While Xavier has always been overly protective and manipulative of Jean Grey (even in the original film, where he lied that she shouldn't use Cerebro), the Professor used to be nothing but a great mentor to Logan. And unfortunately, that dynamic was completely absent from this film, as if Brett Ratner refused to have his star badass be pussified by a bald man with an English accent...

Instead, he pussified him with Famke Janssen. The romantic garbage was stuffed down our throats between the two of them, even amongst their fucking teen angst glances in the woods as Wolverine was sent soaring amongst the trees, just for shits and giggles...

The final battle with Phoenix truly was epic in visual quality, as Jean Grey really did rip apart the entire fucking island as if it were almost nothing. Obviously, she could've blown away Wolverine too (yes, even his Adamantium) if she really wanted to, but some fucking part of her wanted to die... I know Wolverine couldn't have cured her, considering her mind probably wouldn't have allowed a dart or needle to get close enough to pierce to skin. But still, I expected something more out of those two than just "oh shit, forbidden love" Smallville looks between the both of them until Wolverine finally did what he did and plunged his three damn phallic blades into her sac. WTF?...

Then he held her in his arms as she smiled her last gasps for air. But wait, are we supposed to care? WTF?...

Yes, Wolverine in the comics really did kill Phoenix. But there was just no build-up to their final confrontation here in the film... Sure, I loved the special effects of Wolverine getting everything but his fucking underwear blown off by Jean Grey in the final bout from a special effects standpoint. And hell, even the music in that moment was pretty good...

It just felt so damn mechanical, so damn methodical. Almost like cold steel, really...

In my honest opinion, the original X-Men film was just like Star Wars: A New Hope. Rough around its edges, and perhaps a bit too slow to start. But it had real heart, it had real grit, it had Hans shooting first, and it had real characters. Real enough for us to give a damn about them...

X2 was just like Empire Strikes Back. Improved writing, better cast, some of the best battles and revelations of the series, and also probably the most epic feeling of the trilogy overall...

But yes, without a shadow cat of a doubt, X3 indeed was the Return of the Jedi of the goddam series. While still a good movie by itself, it just doesn't feel like it completes the series like the third in a trilogy should. Despite certain characters being killed off or "cured", it just doesn't feel like a worthy epilogue to the fucking best comic book movie franchise ever told...

But wait, wasn't X3 supposed to be The Last Stand? We're not supposed to get any more movies in the franchise, now are we?...

Well, tell that to George fucking Lucas if you want any conclusive proof of when a series is finished...

... and tell that to the fucking "$107 million opening weekend box office gross", while you're at it too...