IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name Theatrical Review of Blade Trinity 2004...

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"Sometimes I feel like a Marvel outcast, you know?... I've always loved the X-men series, but that's about it... I cringe at the mention of The Hulk or the Fantastic Four. Hell, I didn't even like Spiderman much until the hype for the second movie started turning the other cheek...

Now, I feel like an outcast for that series too... I absolutely hated the first in the trilogy, and I will never understand how the fans of the series could ever tolerate a final battle as bad as that first movie had... But, well... except for the final third of the second movie I suppose, I absolutely was thrilled with Blade 2. I thought it was as kickass of a sequel ride, as Aliens was to Alien... and along with Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, and maybe Galaxy Quest, stands as one of the few movies that I wish that I wrote reviews for back in the day when I first saw them...

... so obviously, thanks to Blade 2 and the marvelous Marvel name, I've been more than just hyped up for Blade Trinity, for quite a few years now... I didn't want to feel like an outcast, afterall...

The general consensus amongst the Blade geeks out there, is that Blade Trinity was good, but definitely the worst of the trilogy... In my honest opinion at least, while the film definitely wasn't nearly as good as I was expecting (starting right from the cheesy 70's-like intro screens), I still liked it much more than I did the first film. It just couldn't match the second film in my eyes, that's all...

The writers tried to make a "funny" Blade movie this time around, and in theory, humour was one thing that the series definitely needed... But the cast for such a change just wasn't there... I mean, has Wesley Snipes ever done decent comedy? The only moment in the entire film where he actually made me snicker, was when he was being purely badass with the police familiar in the harvesting plant. And why? Because he actually changed the tone of his voice there, that's why... For the rest of the film, Wesley Snipes was either too busy sniping at the director behind the camera, or too damn busy with his badass power-walking shots to ever sound anything but monotonous. That was quite a shame really, especially when compared with his excellent subtle reactions in the second movie...

Probably the best biggest (or just plain weirdest) comic moments came from the vampire side of things... Parker Posey (yes, Parker Posey... I couldn't believe it either...) plays the lead vampire leader. And while we all knew that she could play an annoying bitch very very well, I really didn't think she could play a cruel, malevolent bitch on screen... and the jury says, she still can't... But while her threatness ratio on screen was a big fat zero, at least her relationship with Hannibal King was one of the more dynamic things on screen... Now, it was ridiculous how completely not funny Parker Posey was in her role. I mean, I think I was the only one who burst out in laughter from her penis envy joke, because literally the entire damn theatre I was in didn't get the joke. It was so damn ridiculous how damn stupid that comment was, that it actually was funny... But while that was the only moment where Parker Posey's presence actually cracked me a smile (albeit not intentionally... I think...), I gotta admit that she didn't play a vampire that badly. She pulled off the look well, she did the badass power walk superbly (Kill Bill style, sort of...). And while she completely cannot fight (her kicks were pathetic), at least she could handle an SMG (sub-machine gun... not Sarah Michelle Gellar... although I wish...) at the end of the movie with villainous pinpoint accuracy (hitting everything but her target, of course...)...

If there was anything really funny about this movie, it was just how damn bad Dominic Purcell was as Dracula, or Dagon, or "Drake" in this film... Probably the lowest point in the entire movie was when Hannibal was lecturing us on the origins of Dracula, in a way that was more boring and more grating than being forced to read that old Dracula comic book he had... But even that couldn't compare in the stupidity factor against the sheer awful dialogue that Drake had throughout this film... "Are you ready to die?", he uttered more than once I think? In a voice that would make even Star Wars actors cringe... uggh... And his whole exchanges with Blade, about what it means to being a warrior or hunter or whatever, weren't just making my ears bleed from sheer bad writing. It also made no logical sense, as to why the film made Dracula into just a generic, "smoldering generic rage" mercenary kind of guy, completely avoiding the 'sexual empowerment' (as Vance would put it) that vampirisim gives to the modern world... Sure, I cheered when those goddam Goth wannabes got what they deserved. But even that scene overall was just plain painful to the eyes... and definitely not in the way that was intended...

... now, I watch Monday Night Raw each and every week, so forgive me when I see the family friendly HHH actually try to properly say, "What the fuck?"... and, well, it just didn't work in my opinion... And if you take Blade Trinity as a serious film, then Triple H being there definitely wouldn't have worked as well... But to be honest, after letting down my WWE guard, I actually did enjoy Triple H's moments in Blade Trinity quite a bit. A shock, to be sure... I loved his relationship with the little Reaper dogs (the best part of the film, no doubt). And c'mon already, who doesn't enjoy the fact that Triple H completely cannot act? Whenever he had a line, I couldn't help but giggle and gaggle at the thought of him spouting a one-liner from his WWE promos... I'm still not used to the Rock being in films, and I'll definitely never get used to Triple H... But just like with Jackie Chan, why does acting matter? Not when this is an action film at least, but I'll get to that later...

Ryan Reynolds joined the cast as Hannibal King, and I remember reading only good things about him from early screenings... But seriously, what the fuck happened to his character then? It was ridiculous actually - he was only funny, because he was so completely NOT funny, and even he knew it... Probably the only times he made me crack up, were the times when he realized nobody gave a damn about his lame, sarcastic comments... "He hates me, doesn't he?", in reference to Blade, was probably the biggest joke that I laughed at in the film, at least intentionally... But still, like I mentioned above, his "relationship" with Parker Posey was amusing, if only because the two characters are the least and last you'd ever expect to be badass vampires... And while Ryan Reynolds definitely ain't no action star, I was still pleasantly surprised at how well he handled the gruelling ass kicking he took from Triple H. The reverse arm-bar was especially a howl for me, and to be honest, Ryan Reynolds actually seemed to pull it off quite well...

Now, that's a hell of a lot complaints coming from me so far, isn't it? And in a sense, this movie deserves to be dead-panned... Because regardless of what my brother argued to me over MSN last night, the first half of the film was absolute Blade 1 shit in my eyes... We start off with a decent action scene against vampires, a species with the worst allergies known to existence (a fight though that I needed to get out of my system, now that Buffy and Angel are off the screen). But then the movie drags on, with Whistler pulling a suicide bomber for absolutely no reason whatsoever, killing himself (again...). And then we get completely unfunny scenes with Vance the familiar psychologist, and Wesley Snipes not even giving a damn that Whistler has died (again...)... And then we meet the Nightstalkers, who (with the exception of the blind lady, who somehow browses the net faster than any normal human...) are completely dull and bitterly pointless compared to the greatness of Kris Kristofferson (who also didn't try to act in this movie, along with Snipes...)... And what was up with the vampires' 'final solution'? It didn't lead anywhere - Dracula's return to sunlight absolutely had no point whatsoever... Add in horrible scenes with Drake, Parker Posey as a vampire, and some of the worst cutting and splicing of scenes and action that I've ever seen (like Abigail Whistler's intro, for example), and then it's no wonder why halfway through the film, I almost felt like getting my $4 CDN back...

I remember reading that people who saw the early screenings, said this film had the worst ending known to man... But to them I say, either things were cut, or WTF?... Because what absolutely saved this film, was the last third of the film of action... The final moments, right from when Ryan Reynolds first encounters the Reaper dogs, was pure Blade and Marvel gold, at its finest... Add in some nice silver air, a steel cage match against Triple H, some very fine archery from Jessica Biel, and one hell of a good swordfight (unlike Blade 1's) between Blade and Dracula, and you've got something in the winners column... Now, sure the dialogue in this film sucked from start to finish. But why the hell would that matter, when I was literally smirking with delight at all the sheer carnage that was happening on screen for the last half hour?... Wesley Snipes may have waltzed through his acting scenes as if he was only collecting a paycheck, but damn can the man put on a good Best in show when fighting... And the interleaving of his battle against the Reaper-like Drake, and Ryan Reynolds being British Bulldog powerslammed into the wooden canvas, really made the ending to this film worth far more than the $4 CDN that I had paid on that Tuesday night...

And she was a surprise too, really... I mean, she really can't act. And her dialogue in this film, while also written poorly, just wasn't acted well either. The generic turmoil on her face during the shower scene alone proved that beyond all belief... But c'mon already, there was a Jessica Biel shower scene already! And hot damn, does she ever look fine in her low cut archery clothing, if only by reminding me of a nymph of a nympho elf, standing out in a crowd of horny businessmen... whatever the hell that means... And while she couldn't act out any of her lines well, she definitely exceeded my expectations when it came to being feminine badass. Her archery skills looked remarkably accurate and deadly, not to mention very sexy... And it was her reactions, not Snipes', that made Ryan Reynolds' completely unfunny lines into something worth a genuine laugh... And hot damn, can the girl ever fight! Now, she can't pull her punches well, but her kicks looked hot, nimble, quick, and more than flexible enough for me... and painful. Did I mention her kicks looked painful?... I give her huge credit for that. She may have had the smallest role in the finale of the movie, but she took it to the vamps with style, and never missed a beat with Snipes and Reynolds... Hell, I hate fucking iPods, but even she made them look hot and spicy. She was the true essence of badassness in this film, not Snipes, and it'll be nice if she came back again with a spinoff of her own... she deserves it...

And, well... sure, number and count wise, the cons outweigh the pros of this film... But you simply cannot measure how kickass that final battle sequence was. It was worth a DVD purchase alone... And it was shocking really, that it would be Jessica Biel and Triple H of all people, that made this film enjoyable... I will give all the credit in the world to Jessica, for kicking ass so well in her first real action flick ever (and for making real dumb technology seem cool, like that weirdass UV blade that really should've just been silver...). And to Triple H? Good show man, if only because you kicked Reynolds' ass and took his name with style...

I enjoyed this film for what it's worth. It may not have been Marvel quality, it may not have even been Blade quality... and it tried too damn hard to have style... But it definitely was a good action flick nonetheless. And it was definitely more than welcome, in my goddam university exam season of pain and misfortune at least..."

"Well, I saw "Blade: Trinity" this past Saturday at 10:00pm...to say the least this wasn't a bad film, but it wasn't a great film either...this film was simply OK, both as action and comedy. This was the latest installment in the Blade franchise, and most likely the concluding chapter. I must say that I am disappointed in the creative route David S. Goyer took this film.

Blade is based on a Marvel Comic. And so it is, this film is the latest installment to come out of the mega-wheel that is Marvel Productions ever since the boom of X-Men and Spider-Man...therefore Avi Arid and Stan Lee are getting healthy paychecks in their seniority.

As I said previously, I am disappointed in David S. Goyer this time around. First of all, this is the first film in which he wrote and directed the film. The previous two he had just written the script. It just seems (or what I recall, which could be wrong, mind you) that Mr. Goyer took his initial idea for the third chapter and scrapped it for a more conventional action flick that would please the "majority." I think this is where Goyer went wrong. While I may not be the biggest fan of "The Hulk", which was a decent film (but again not great), Ang Lee had the guts to create an action film with thought, emotion, and the action was used as spice instead of as the focus. But, I guess with the legion of cult fans that Blade has accumulated, I guess the correct marketability was to please the fans. However, where is the risk...but I digress...

Anyway, the story this time around is that the vampire nation led by Danica Talos (Parker Posey, an interesting choice I know...I must say that she looked uggly in this film...but that's just me...) are trying to negotiate with Dracula, or Drake, who they have unearthed outside of Iraq in the Syrian Desert (uh-huh, right, sure, whatever), however, Drake is not really interested in the petty nature of these present day vampires.

And so, Blade is called to duty...however, he has help this time from the Nightstalkers which comprises Abigail Whistler, Whistler's daugther (Jennifer Biel) and former vampire Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds). But first, Blade and Whistler have finally been caught by the authorities when they have been tipped off by Danica Talos and gang. Therefore, Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) pulls a suicide bomber on Blade by killing himself (again!). Now, I must say that Whistler/Kris was totally underused in this film...he was one of the finer characters in the previous two movies, and he was essentially laid to waste here...what a shame...

But, as Blade is rescued from the police/FBI by Abigail...he begins to understand what the Nighstalkers do, but only on a need to know type basis. Alas, Blade continues his quest to wipe out the vampires. Also, he takes some (but very little) relationship building with Abigail. But like I said, not much is done in this department.

The bulk of this film is essentially action with some funny bits. For instance, the introduction of the vampire pomeranian and the vampire rottweilers were brilliant. They were used to good effect when Hannibal came loose to go help...great reaction to offset the dogs.

Also, the swordfight between Drake and Blade wasn't bad. It was decent. But then again, it just felt out of place in a mediocre film.

Last, but not least, there was Triple H (Paul Michael Levesque) of wrestling fame...let me just say that for an action character he wasn't bad...the fight he had with Hannibal King was decent, since King was able to reverse a few moves. But overall, Triple H is no The Rock...and this film proves that the Rock may have better Schwarzenegger charisma...

Also, I must say that the use of the metal dust effect was decent and cool.

However, overall this film was just mediocre. Therefore, I give this film a 6.5/10 and a 1.5/4 stars. "Blade: Trinity" is nothing compared to Guillermo del Toro's "Blade II" or "Hellboy"."

Film Design - 6.5
Enjoyment Factor - 7.0
Overall (not an average) - 6.5
(1.5 out of 4 stars)
- Risen Phoenix -