IvanF's Noname Archived Reviews for the Third Season of Battlestar Galactica (2006-2007)...

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- IvanF's No-Name Archived Reviews for
The Third Season of Battlestar Galactica (2006 - 2007) -

- IvanFian Last Updated: September 8th, 2007
- Notable Episodes: Occupation, Exodus (Part 1), The Passage, Rapture, Crossroads (Parts 1 and 2)
- Best Episode of the Season: Exodus (Part 2)

Was it Battlestar Galactica, or fucking Battlefield Vietnam? Which fucking sucked shit, by the way...

Now I do admit, that I absolutely hated the series when it first debuted two years ago, but not because of the characters or the action or any shit like that. It's just that, Ron Moore just doesn't know the meaning of goddam subtlety at times. His first few episodes were eye rolling and pathetic as hell at being a sophisticated metaphor for 9/11 and the ensuing war on terror. A metaphor just doesn't work for me if it's not fucking hidden at all. Why couldn't he have just dealt with the subject matter in a mature manner that didn't fucking slam a fucking gavel over the fucking audience's head?...

As the first season progressed, things improved. The series became more of the prototypical Sci-Fi commentary on human existence, while still giving hints along the way of the war on terror and what's happened since 9/11. Episodes like Pegasus (even though the rest of the second season sucked ass) were simply brilliant in the way that they showed the absolute worst aspects of humanity, in a way that could be related to the war on terror but only through clever thought and contemplation. Finally, Ron Moore had learned the fucking meaning of goddam subtlety...

So what does he do, but completely fraks things up by completely resetting the goddam series in the season finale last year? And now he brings us Occupation and Precipice...

... two fucking episodes that were just so goddam eye rolling boring to me, that they didn't even occupy my interest for thirty fucking seconds...

Now, I've already watched the two-part season opener twice (an oxymoron, perhaps), and both times I seriously can't see what the fuck the rest of the critics and internet sees in the show. Occupation and Precipice have already been called brilliant as a work of art by so many damn Battlestar Galactica fans, and I seriously have no clue why. Is the audience really that damn dumb out there, that they really do have to be hit by a fucking sledgehammer to the head first before understanding any fucking metaphor in a fucking series or some shit like that? WTF?...

Just in case you're one of those two people out there who don't know what the "occupation" of humanity is meant to represent, I might as well spell it out for you. If the first two seasons of the show were based on 9/11 and the war on terror, then obviously season three is all about the occupation (or liberation...) of Iraq. Now, I don't really have a problem with Ron Moore trying to build up a metaphor for what the US is doing in the Middle East right now. I just personally think that episodes like Pegasus proved his point in a much better way than Occupation or Precipice could ever hope to achieve with their goddam suicide bombings of goddam subtlety...

Seriously, why the fuck should I care for what's his name, whoever blew himself up? He was shit in the BSG Webisodes, and he's still shit now. Why the fuck is he still bitching about losing his wife? Nora was a fucking bitch, and both he and the show are better off without her. And yet this guy, whatever his name was, just decides to appear out of nowhere and blow up a whole bunch of his fellow countrymen, just because he supposedly has no reason to live...

Whatever. Good then. The world and the show is better off without him. What a fucking loser...

Jammer was the other real star of the Webisodes that were broadcasted on SciFi.com. He played the conflicted Iraqi NCP police officer or some shit like that in this episode, wanting to save lives but in the end realizing that he's just a puppet of the Americans (er... I mean, Cylons...). He wonders why he and the rest of his team were suddenly the target of suicide bombings, when really that's not the only thing he should be wondering about. How the fuck did the guy survive when he was just two rows behind what's-his-face who blew himself up? If anything, Jammer isn't a Cylon collaborator, but an actual goddam Cylon. Which ruins the metaphor if you ask me, but whatever, the metaphor sucked in the first place...

Occupation and Precipice tried to make a good point about suicide bombings, how it's wrong to condemn people to their own deaths. I do applaud Ron Moore for the obvious stance on fucking massacring children just to make a point, if this were real life that is. But since BSG ain't real life, I personally just hated these two episodes and the third season of the show so damn much, that I seriously wanted half the characters on the cast and crew to strap some bombs to their chest and just blow themselves the fuck up. It would've saved me the pain and anguish of having to put up with all the overpretentious bullshit presented throughout the goddam two-parter...

Oh Roslin, how I hate you so. She had a couple of good scenes with Tom Zarek, how she really should've went through with rigging the election last year, but I hated her just like always throughout the rest. All her moral preachings and teachings once again got on my nerves, moreso than ever before, because at least back in season one she had a reason to be naive. In season two, she was bitching out Admiral Adama for being a pussy in goddam assassinations, and now all of a sudden she doesn't understand what it means to win (or prolong) a war? Suicide bombings may be completely wrong in my point of view, but they were a large reason why Vietnam never could be defeated by America, and why the war on global terror can never truly be won...

On the other end of the spectrum was Gaius Baltar, running as president in name only. He definitely had some of the greatest scenes in the entire damn episode, of denying all torture in American dentention cells (no matter how eye-rolling that was...) and of having a frakkin' gun pointed to his head as he signed his name, but I just can't stand what Ron Moore was beating us over the head with when it came to "puppet leaders". We all know guys like Saddam Hussein and the men behind the Taliban were put into power by the US, even trained by the CIA, to dispose of communism in the past. What both shocked and bored me to the death at the same time in this episode, was how damn obvious Ron Moore pointed out that shit by having the Cylons just casually talking about public executions and shit like that, all sanctioned by the human government. On one hand, I appreciated that BSG kept the Cylons as the true villains of the series, and on the other hand I just couldn't help but roll my eyes at just how fucking blatant Ron Moore had made his goddam metaphoric point...

I guess it's always been the BSG way though, to make sure that almost every single character on the cast and crew is hated in some form or another (or at least, that was definitely the case in the latter half of season two). I just didn't think that they'd actually reduce Kara Thrace into being some sort of "Stockholm Syndrome" type of mommy-bitch though (although at least that was some sort of improvement over frakkin' over Anders... uggh...)...

I mean, I know I normally do hate cute little kids in television shows, but even so, give me a fucking break here. Kara's daughter was just so damn "curly" bullshit cute, that I was ready to fucking send her to the Cylon resurrection chambers myself. Just break Kasey's neck already like she probably would've done to Hera a year ago, and revel in your Cylon hating ways already. And what the fuck was her bullshit with Leoben supposed to be? An interracial marriage, or just a new form of goddam torture for the audience? I know four months have technically passed as Starbuck played the role of Leoben's Barbie Doll or some shit like that, but really, giving her a child and making her a complete pussy in the end? Why the fuck should I give a shit about her anymore? WTF?...

Speaking of stupid ass children, who here actually gave a damn about Cally? Was she meant to be a protagonist or some shit like that, because by the end of the episode, I was actually cheering the Cylon Centurions on to fucking hunt her down and beat her ass. She was a bitch in the Webisodes, and she was a bitch here and now. It was supposed to be cute and tender, how she was stroking her son the way she was, I suppose. But I just can't get over just how much of a goddam jealous freak she was in season two, how suddenly she just got together with Tyrol over the goddam one year reset break, and how whiny and bitchy she was to everyone she came across in the season opener. With her at his side, it's only a goddam matter of time until Chief Tyrol decides to blow himself the frak up...

The Chief and Tigh were definitely two of the better characters in the episodes, if only for their opposing viewpoints on the rules of war, but that's really not saying much. Tyrol was ever the optimist as he was in Flight of the Phoenix, always hoping that Galactica would be out in space watching for them, while Tigh realized in bitter truth the harsh realities of war. I do admit, that some of the strongest script writing in the entire episode went to Tigh about what it means to send soldiers to their death, as it doesn't really matter in the end whether they knew they were going to die or not. The thing is though, that these two fucking characters can't act worth a damn still if you ask me. And any damn episode that centers around these two lower life form assholes of the series, is just bound to fucking suck Cylon shit in the end...

But I guess in the end, in the land of the blind? The one-eyed man... still fucking sucks...

The series has always been built upon the Adama family, but I just didn't get that old skool BSG feeling from either Lee or his father in these episodes. For one thing, I was literally laughing my arse off at Lee's "fatass". I honestly can't really tell if that's make-up he's wearing, but no matter what may be the case, how the fuck can I ever take him seriously when it looks like his fucking cheeks are going to melt off? He tried to be a whiner and complainer to Dualla about going soft (I'm sorry though, but he just can't be seem like a bitch to me when D is in the room for comparison's sakes...), and he tried to bring a tear to the eye when he was desperately trying to convince his dad to stay with the fleet. But I don't know, all I could imagine was him going "ho-ho-ho" whenever he was riding his fatass on top of Dualla. Is that so wrong?...

Edward James Olmos has always been the star of the show, but aside from The Resistance and Pegasus, he just hasn't felt like the real old man since the first season of the show. Now, I guess he did give a couple of decent speeches here in Occupation and Precipice, about his guilt and how he must be a "coward" to go back to New Caprica and beat the living snot out of the Cylons. I did see some of his old acting brilliance shine through then and there, but it just wasn't enough. Edward James Olmos was once so damn badass, that you just couldn't resist writing out his full name (like Samuel L. Jackson, really...). But after getting his pussy whipped by Laura Roslin, letting his Battlestars go to hell after the one year reset, and growing the god-awful pornstache that he still has now, how the fuck can I never really take him seriously anymore?...

Sadly enough, the real protagonists of the episode to me were the Cylons. Not because I didn't think they were evil or any shit like that, but they were the only ones who actually kept me interested for those thirty fucking seconds that I was in the two-parter...

Poor Number Six, shot in the head as her boyfriend was crying profusely like a baby. The thing is, it's ironic that the bitch who allowed the Cylons to nuke twelve fucking billion people somehow became the most human and compassionate of them all, as she was really the only one who understood what it meant to bring the word of God to the rest of the humans. Now, the reasons why the fucking Cylons would want to occupy the remnants of humanity is open to fucking debate (if Ron Moore's fucking metaphors aren't obvious enough to you...), but at least this Number Six had a decent personal reason to do so. She missed Baltar, she wanted him back the very first moment she could, and she convinced herself that bringing peace to the humans would be the best of both worlds to achieve that. I can relate to the bitch, sadly...

The rest of the Cylons though, were absolutely the most despicable examples of anti-American bullshit that I've ever seen in my life. Why the fuck did they even go to New Caprica? Yeah, I know, US supposedly had no real reason to go to Iraq, but at least there you can argue about oil and bullshit like that. Why the fuck did the Cylons ever want to bother with that useless rock of a planet though? To prove to themselves that they're better than humans, WTF? Is their religion really that damn important to them, that they actually do want to bring the word of God to humanity? Because then the metaphor is actually goddam backwards, which is perhaps why the episode felt so damn weird to me. Terrorists occupying Iraq, who would've thought?...

I do appreciate that the Cylons on one hand definitely felt like they had a real plan again. They let Tigh go, even though he was the leader of the underground resistance, simply because they wanted to use him to control and minimize the insurgency in the end. Then again, on the other hand, Ron Moore also painted the Cylons to be as goddam thick in the head as all the Liberals say about America in Iraq, as the Cylons got so damn flustered from a few rusted paint jobs from pipe bombs, that they resorted to instilling "fear" into the public. WTF?...

Now, there was really only one character that I enjoyed throughout the two-parter season opener. Or two distinct characters really, played by one single actress...

Sure, Grace Park can't act worth a damn, and she has the same kind of annoying buck-teeth that all us Asians do...

... and is it so wrong, that I find the buck-teeth to be a fetish?... but whatever...

As the Boomer on New Caprica, I found it extremely weird just how much of a Cylon she had become. She didn't even try to stop the others from frakkin' over with Baltar's mind as he was forced to sign his signature, and it's not like she risked her own life or any shit like that to save Cally. She wasn't really evil or anything, but she definitely wasn't the same Boomer we saw back in Downloaded. Back then, she was still human at heart, and yet now she wanted to occupy New Caprica to spread to them the word of God? Maybe that Cylon programming finally truly kicked in or some crap like that, as a year is a long time to be reassimilated by Ron Moore's new version of the Borg. But seriously, WTF?...

The Boomer back on Galactica was the one I enjoyed most though. Her scenes with Adama were absolutely the best of the episode, even if the writing was fucking awkward at worst. The talk about guilt didn't quite seem right to me somehow, despite the BSG music swooning in the background. But the issues of trust, how Adama seems to feel for her plight more than anyone else's, actually felt touching at one point or another...

Maybe it's just the fact that a) Edward James Olmos is The Man, and b) Grace Park is fucking HAWT as hell, but seriously? The best scene of the episode was when she was giving her oath (for the second time, really...) to protecting the colonies. Both the significance of the symbols she was now wearing once again, and the irony of what she really is and once she once was, is seriously what made her scenes of the episode into the only damn metaphor worth watching...

Because I'm just sorry, despite what all the Battlestar Galactica evangelists are saying? Occupation and Precipice were two of the biggest goddam wastes of time I have ever been forced to endure on television in my goddam life...

I'm a Star Trek fan who does love social and political commentary in his television series. But just like that god-awful episode in Enterprise about AIDS, metaphors just don't work when even a fucking five year old can connect all the dots in five seconds flat. WTF?...

I mean seriously, didn't everyone hate the season finale last year, or at least had concerns about it? Yet everyone now loves the series all over again?...

WTF is this? Some sort of Starbuck Stockholm Syndrome over the summer break? WTF?...

Because as far as I'm concerned? The only thing that these two frakkin' episodes ever really achieved?...

Because I was already bored to death from Occupation and Precipice last week. Why the hell would Exodus (Part 1) be any damn different?

It was completely a set-up for the next episode, an episode which I can only hope will actually be decent in the end. But even so, even if Exodus (Part 1) really had no purpose but to hold the door open for part two, did Ron Moore really have to frak things up here again with not just more god-awful anti-American propaganda with his whole Iraq scenario (nuke the colonists from space, WTF?), but also ruining what could've been the start of a beautiful friendship with god-awful religious bullshit? WTF?...

Uggh, did we really need to revisit that crap about Kamala, although this time we got pretty conclusive proof that perhaps the Oracles can actually contact the god(s). It was fine when religion was just a belief in the Battlestar Galactica universe, but to confirm that its (probably) real like that just feels goddam shallow somehow for the mostly realistic Sci-Fi series. Seeing all those damn dreams from Lucy Lawless certainly didn't help things out, as not even her naked body in a bed could prevent Exodus from feeling completely pretentious and all that other usual Battlestar Galactica crap...

I wouldn't have minded the episode so much, if only the writers hadn't continued their streak of making us hate and loathe or just plain don't care about each and every single one of their characters. Why the fuck would I care about the newly fresh-shaven Chief Tyrol, when not only does he save the bitch Cally from utter destruction, but he saves President Roslin as well? The rescue was done far too quickly and far too neatly for any good to come from it. It was like a goddam reset button the way it was done really, with how Cally hearing the gunfire in the background last week wasn't what really happened in the end. Then again, Ron Moore really does love his reset buttons, now doesn't he?...

Starbuck used to be one of the greatest characters on television today, even if she was pretty much ruined already by hooking up with fucking Anders in the second season. But now that she's a fucking house mom, not only has the bitch been neutered to death, but now we have to put up with the goddam antics of a stupid ass curly kid, hugging fingers to pretend to be cute or some shit like that? This crap is annoying as hell on fucking girl-show sitcoms, so why the fuck would it be any different in Sci-Fi? I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually preferring fucking Anders to fucking Starbuck these days. WTF?...

Gaius Baltar seems to be having quite the tragic hero role this season so far. While I can understand where his character is coming from, considering it has all been quite a natural progression of all the shit he's been through over the past few years, I must admit that it's still just all so damn boring as hell, at least compared to the way he was before. Now, I admit that I may be alone in the universe on this one, but I really do miss the old Gaius Baltar who was self-serving and far more self-interested than goddam self-loathing. Now, he just reminds me of my own goddam pitiful self, and why the fuck would I ever give two shits about that?...

Then there was the whole soap opera bullshit between Colonel Tigh and his wife, but even that was glossed over as a minute point. I suppose I should've cared when the pirate eye patch was placed on his face, but I honestly couldn't even tell at the time that he was missing a goddam socket. Looked like a bad contact lens to me more than anything else, followed by an even worse shared condom between the both of them. I never cared for their so-called romance even back in the first season, so why care now?...

Over on Galactica, there was a heart-warming scene between the two Adama's. Or at least, it was supposed to be heart-warming, considering the producers were reusing the Celtic family music all over again. Problem was, that soundtrack completely didn't work in this scenario. Now, I guess if this had been a year ago, I would've at least argued for the fact that the speech between Lee and his father was touching at moments, that you really could feel the connection between the two of them as they saluted, shook hands and departed...

But I'm sorry, this time around? I found myself laughing at the whole ridiculousness of the situation instead. I mean seriously, Lee Adama is just too damn fat. He's too damn unnaturally fat for me to ever take seriously. He jiggles as he cries. Fucking Mcfatty. WTF?...

And WTF was with Helo being the goddam XO of the Battlestar Galactica? Has Admiral Adama really let his fleet get into that kind of worthless shit? WTF?...

At least Edward James Olmos had better material to work with here than he did back in the season two-parter premiere. It's just that, we've seen so much better from him before, namely in the first season of the show. Obviously, Lee and his jolly green giant routine ruined the whole family bit between the both of them, but that doesn't explain why I really felt nothing as the Admiral was addressing his ship and crew. Edward James Olmos put the kind of respect and pride that you would expect from such a speech into his voice, but he didn't have the kind of right kind of emotion that goes along with that kind of crisis. And I dunno, but the writers seemed to flop there with phrases like "in the universe", which made his whole speech feel far more like it was out of the original Battlestar Galactica Sci-Fi series than the modern metaphor Ron Moore is going for now...

As for the whore who pussified the great Admiral last season, President Roslin spent the whole episode bitching out Anders about the importance of Maya and her child. I really do wish that Roslin had just bitten the fucking bullet aimed at Cavil at the fucking execution site though, because what the fuck is really her logic behind all this? Why does she care so much for the Cylon child? What's the problem with just letting the damn thing die? She didn't trust Sharon with it before, why would she trust anyone with it now? It's not like the Cylons should really care either, considering that have fucking baby Starbuck to writhe in the prison of the play pen in this day and age...

Once again, the only real saving grace of the series was Grace fucking Park. I know I've already overused that pun to death, but can you blame me? She's fucking hot as hell. Why the fuck I can't just get one of her Cylon models for myself, I guess I will never know...

Okay, being hot as fucking hell sure as hell helps things out, but Boomer actually had a decent role to play in Exodus as well. Her talks with Tyrol and Anders, about her baby's ashes and shit like that, actually made those latter two characters tolerable and serviceable for a moment or two at least. The plotline was actually interesting for Sharon, as really the only moment I actually did enjoy in the episode was when she was confronted by Lucy Lawless over the fate of her dead child. Whether or not Grace Park is actually a good actress or not, she did a great job in creating suspense, intrigue and a hell of a lot of "oh shit" moments as she capped the good Cylon in the knees there not once but twice...

But no matter how hot Grace Park may be, no matter how effective that one lone scene may have been to me, and no matter whether Admiral Adama at least partially redeemed himself for the bullshit he pulled off from last episode? I just couldn't give a single goddam damn about this episode whatsoever, as it all felt like filler shit for the upcoming crap that will hopefully be decent next week...

It's a good thing that the preview for Exodus (Part 2) actually looked like a real Battlestar Galactica episode, rather than this bullshit political statement that Ron Moore has been forcing on us for the past two damn weeks...

Otherwise, it's about goddam time that I staged my own exodus from the goddam series...

Seriously, it's like I've been cursed by the gods. I've been having some sort of allergic reaction in my hands and feet, yet I ain't supposed to be allergic to anything. I didn't eat or encounter anything out of the ordinary on Friday or whatever, so why the fuck did the swelling and the itchiness all start that very night? I've thought about bacterial infections too, considering I cut myself earlier in the week on my hand as I was trying to repair my busted ass computer, but that wouldn't explain why the heels of my feet are now also as goddam red as Number Six after a night of 69...

Maybe I am suddenly allergic to something, I don't know. The only other possibility I can come up with for the symptoms that I have is Edema, an excess build-up of fluids in the extremities due to poor body circulation and possibly changing barometric conditions (aka weather)...

Either way though, does it really matter? Before, my fingers and hands and feet were once as goddam pencil thin as that waist around Dualla, but now have swollen to the point of being so damn fat, that I feel like Lee fucking Adama here. WTF?...

But I guess, that's nature's balance or something. To gain something, you've gotta lose something...

What exactly did I gain on the weekend though, but perhaps the best damn Battlestar Galactica episode since Pegasus itself?...

... fitting then, that Exodus (Part 2) would be the final farewell of the Pegasus from the series as well...

I do sort of argue though, that the battle scenes in space in this episode were kind of a bit of overkill, considering I don't understand how the fuck the two Battlestars could take repeated beatings by nukes over and over again when the first two seasons of the show demonstrated their core vulnerabilities to direct goddam hits by Basestars. But even so, there's still no denying that if only because of the sweltering music and the fact that fatass Lee Adama actually had a plan when called into battle? That the Pegasus really did indeed go down in a blaze of glory, went down fighting and fighting hard, and took down something like three or four fucking Basestars all by itself in the process...

... that's one Basestar for every fucking shitty ass episode that we've been forced to endure on New Caprica...

But even if the past three episodes to start the third season of the show may have been shit? I'm starting to see the reason why, as Ron Moore really was wise to save his entire damn budget for the first half of the season on this one episode alone. Because seriously, the sight of the Battlestar Galactica jumping into the atmosphere and launching Vipers right into the line of fire (literally), was not just one of the most thrilling and intense sequences that BSG has ever accomplished, but also one of the most artistic and strategic ones any SciFi series has ever done as well. It literally made my jaw drop to see the the Galactica jump right before it drove into the ground. Now, Hand of God may still reign supreme in my book of ungodly episodes, but Exodus (Part 2) definitely did have its kickass moments as well...

Finally, Ron Moore had learned the idea of subtlety with his metaphors, or at least in context of science fucking fiction. Maybe I'm just a bit partial to an entire hour's worth of pure non-stop action or some shit like that, but I really did think that the writers got their mojo shit together for Exodus (Part 2) when it came to the message they were trying to convey as well. We were still given small hints that we were looking at a futuristic, futile Iraq scenario (as Baltar pointed out to the Cylons), but these hints were kept at a bare minimum as Ron Moore instead let his acting, story and camera work tell the entire damn metaphor themselves. Even something as simple as the shaky cam shit as Tigh and Tyrol were pinned down by Centurions was simply amazing, not just because it so effectively articulated the grit of war, but because those scenes alone reminded me of the real life situation in Iraq right now far more than any other scripted bullshit that Moore has beaten us over the head with in the past three episodes of the season...

Now obviously, there are always a few flaws in any episode, and I just wanted to get them out of the way first. I mean, many on the internet seemed to love what transpired between Tigh and his wife, as the one-eyed man turned out to be actually badass enough to poison his MacBitch of a wife. The thing is though, while Saul definitely did play the part to near perfection, I just didn't give a shit about what he was actually doing. He should've killed Ellen Tigh way back in the first season of the show, as she's been nothing but a cancer to the series since. I mean, she was the big character death that Ron Moore talked about in his podcasts? Why the fuck should we care?...

Starbuck was once again reduced to pure shit. Now, I admit that the camera work and her acting as she essentially "lost" her daughter was excellent, but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that her plotline on New Caprica just goddam so sucked in the first place. Leoban was never a real threat to her, and having her make-out with the guy to get to her daughter was just somehow more boring to me than traumatic, or heaven forbid, slutty and provocative. It was pathetic that she was dumbass enough to try to take on a Cylon with her bare hands, and got herself pimp slapped appropriately for it as a result. I hated the fact that she was back with Anders, as she dragged the guy down from his badass pedestal as well from the past few episodes. And why the fuck did she ever really believe that Kasey was her daughter in the first place? What the fuck ever happened to maternal instincts and crap like that? WTF?...

But wait. Why was Kasey acting like Starbuck was her mother the whole damn time? Doesn't the kid even know when she's being kidnapped and given to some goddam stranger?...

And Boomer? Where the fuck was my weekend dose of Grace Park? The only glimpse we got of her was really when she was bitching about Adama being back, and then hugging goddam Helo at the end of the episode. And as for Helo, why did we have to put up with the guy? His only real contribution to the series so far was to make this half-assed, supposed-badass look of "no" as Adama called for the "jump drive". The thing is, Helo so over-acted the part that the look on his face was more of that of a cocky, Mutombo basketball star who had just blocked a goddam "jump shot" than anything else. Do we really have to deal with this kind of shit for the next goddam fifteen episodes of the series? WTF?...

But those few complaints aside, I really do have to admit, Exodus (Part 2) was definitely the best episode of the new season of the show by far, and probably one of the best done episodes in the history of the young series as well. Of course, the entire hour being non-stop action sure as hell helped to steer me to that conclusion, but I was also just as damn well impressed that except for the aforementioned issues I had with the episode? I really do respect what had happened and what had become of each and every character on the cast and crew...

Colonel Tigh was ever the unsung hero. He was definitely more in his element as a commander on the ground than he ever was as an XO in the air. He killed his wife and barely blinked about it when push came to shove, literally shoving his men and willing his way to the Colonial ships to escape the planet. And when he returned to Galactica, that salute shared between him and Adama was perhaps the most touching moment the two of them have had since the first season of the show. And you really do feel bad for him at the end, as Adama was swept away by the crowds as the hero of the masses, leaving his old friend to bask in the glory of the land of the blind instead...

Technically, I guess Gaeta was an unsung hero as well. Of course, I hate the stupid bitch and I'm still hoping he really is a Cylon, but I still have to admit that he had a wonderful scene with Baltar on Colonial One. I still don't like what the writers have done to Gaius over the seasons, but I do admit that the moment where he begs Gaeta to pull the trigger on him, was definitely one of the best acted sequences of this season so far. Now sure, I found nothing of interest when he found Hera weeping on the floor (although I was laughing my head off that Anders' two "best" guards couldn't even get Maya past the fucking Oracle tent for crying out loud...), but I will give credit to the writers for at least having the balls to actually let Baltar join the Cylon group. I don't know if that will exactly pan out for the best interests of the series or not in the end, but it definitely was brave of the writers to change the dynamic of the show in such a way...

As for Colonial One after it was abandoned by the Cylons? I normally hate on the former Madame President for being a complete and utter bitch, but there was just something different about her in Exodus (Part 2) that eluded such criticism, as she exuded such a sense of warmth and hope instead. That smile she gave Tom Zarek as they departed ways wasn't just a tad bit kinky, but it also just seemed so damn sincere. And that little sigh of relief she gave as she sat back down on her old chair on Colonial One? I don't know why, but I just felt at home there, just as much as she did. She really did belong in that seat, and her poise definitely proved it. She didn't seem to be that bitch of a president that she used to be back in season two then and there, but rather the sweet motherly school teacher we used to love and love to hate way back in season one. I've missed that Roslin, and if only for a moment, she had returned...

Her old teacher of a self wasn't the only familiar face and feeling to make a reappearance. For so long, I've felt that Lee Adama has just felt wrong in his role, with all the goddam teen angst plotlines they've given the actor over the past year or so. He was shit in season two, and he has been fatass shit so far in season three. But finally, the writers got a clue that he's not just some whiny brat kid of Admiral Adama's any longer, but rather the commander of the goddam Pegasus. And Lee definitely showed it this episode, with a sound strategic loss of the flagship that secured for him exactly what he had always intended to do: save the human race, and to save his father. Him thanking the bridge of the Pegasus didn't just bring back the old nostalgic feelings I got whenever Lee had that lighter of his grandfather's in his hand, but rather all of the greatest moments that Ron Moore once wrote on Star Trek: The Next Generation as well. Lee may still be a fatass, but at least now he certainly ain't a softie of a fatass...

But the real man of the hour has always been Edward James Olmos as Admiral Adama, and thank the gods that the badass returned in full form in Exodus (Part 2). Except for perhaps the scene were he went all cliche by thinking his ship and crew were doomed, I was impressed as hell by even the littlest moments from him, whether they were thanking Lee for the sacrifice of angels or watching Saul just fade away in personal distress and disgrace. Hell, even that one damn scene where Adama finally shaves that fucking pornstache off of his face? Chalk it up to subtlety there or some sort of crap, but I just felt that moment was the perfect metaphor and analog of exactly what the series has now become, for better and for worse...

Because completely unlike how I felt about last year's season finale, I really do feel that Exodus (Part 2) was a "good" reset. Sure, now the state of the universe has pretty much gone back to how it was in the first season, with the Cylons as shadowy enemies with a "plan", the Battlestar Galactica as the lone ship guarding the survivors of humanity, and the Adama family being on the very top of the food chain of command. But at the same time, it's also true that every single character has gone through absolute hell and back through the past four or five episodes alone, and have all changed for the better from it, at least in terms of how shit they all were back in the middle of season two...

Lee finally found his path in life, and grew some real fucking balls to be the commander of the Pegasus, if only for one real day. Colonel Tigh proved without a shadow of a doubt that he's a hero, but always the castaway hero in the casted shadow of another. Starbuck proved that she's still a goddam Lana Lang of a dumbass bitch, but I've just gotta assume that her frakked up fragile mind will have huge ramifications in the near future. And hell, even Chief Tyrol learned a lesson or two, of just how to be something more than just Boomer's goddam pussy of a cock the whole nine yards...

And Admiral Adama? Finally, finally the man of the hour truly had goddam returned. He was badass as hell as the Battlestar Galactica was free falling through the atmosphere like a rock, and he was just as fucking badass even as he was walking through those corridors of his ship, saluting every damn member of his returning crew. Finally, after so many damn episodes where I've felt that each and every character had been nothing more than pure, unadultered shit? Finally, they had returned to Galactica...

Or is it, "the more things change, the 'Moore' things stay the same"? But whatever. Does it really even matter? Even if ol' Ron finally produced an episode worthy of the name of Battlestar Galactica for the first time in almost a goddam year? We all still know who the true hero of the story is...

"Whoever helped collaborate on the script for this episode should be goddam shot...

Now, I do understand exactly why this episode was made. Not only was it filler and obviously a budget saver after the saviour of Exodus (Part 2), but it was also necessary to examine the aftermath of what exactly had transpired on New Caprica. Just like the first season of the show focused so damn hard on the after-effects of 9/11 (err... I mean, the Cylon massacre...) on the populace of the people, here we have Ron Moore trying to strike gold a second time with showing just what it means to have survived the occupation of Iraq (or, err... well, you know...)...

But seriously, whenever you have a fucking episode basically helmed by Chief Tyrol and Colonel Tigh? I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Bad things happen to good goddam people...

I mean, take Jammer for instance. I was just starting to like and respect the guy, goddammit. Now, I'm not saying he did the right thing in joining the New Caprica police in the context of the show. It's just that, if his predicament was supposed to be some sort of justification for the slaughter of Iraqi police new recruits overseas or some sort of bullshit like that? Well, I don't really know what to say then. I just know that Jammer was a much better fucking actor than Tigh and his wife and that fucking good for nothing bitch called Cally all combined. Goddammit, I was just starting to like the guy, and then they pull an Airlock Archer on his ass? WTF?...

What the writers of BSG do best is try to make the audience hate each and every likeable character on the show as much as humanly possible. In the first season, Starbuck was beloved by all, so of course the writers had to make us all writhe by marrying the bitch to Anders. At least here in Collaborators, the two of them finally broke it off, but unfortunately the departure left Anders looking like a hero and Starbuck being a supreme goddam bitch of a judge and jury. I understand that Kara is a bit peeved off at her time in captivity with a man she technically murdered over and over again, and of course I guess she's still feeling rather goddam dumbass at the fact she couldn't even feel out who the fuck her daughter really was. But seriously, did the writers have to completely make us hate her all over again, for the simple fact that she's now as fucking maniacal and bastardized as Tigh was whenever he was fucking drunk as fuck? WTF?...

Who the fuck does she think she is? The new teen angsty, Lee fatass Adama from season fucking two? WTF?...

Oh, Colonel Tigh. Normally here for a situation like his, I would make some sort of snap comment like, "how the mighty have fallen". The problem has and always will be, the character fucking sucks ass. Was he badass when he offed his wife? Sure. But here, he was just a common, generic prescription thug. And sure, that was indeed the impression that we were meant to get from the guy. The problem was, he wasn't even a special thug. The spotlight was on Tyrol, not him. He was just a background juror for all we gave a shit about. His only real moment to shine was when Admiral Adama would've preferred to Colonel to be on goddam moonshine more than anything else in the CIC. And the fact that Collaborators was probably Saul's last chance to be the fucking star of the show, only for the writers and the actors to botch it up so damn badly, is embarrassing enough for both parties as is...

It's been Chief Tyrol in the captain's chair (figuratively speaking) for the third season of the show so far, and here Tyrol was really the Chief Supreme Court Justice, I suppose. He wasn't bad in his role per say, although I seriously wanted to smack some sense into him when he was sucking up to goddam Cally of all goddam bitches. He definitely was a bit too callous in his role though. Not to say that by the laws of treason, Jammer shouldn't have been stuffed down an airlock or anything. It's just that, it's sad to think that I liked Anders more in this episode more than anyone else on the Jury of six, if only because everyone (with perhaps the exception of Tyrol) was just being too damn one dimensional for their own good. There was just no real discernible dissentment or diversity in any of the central role characters in Collaborators, and completely made it a goddam yawn fest even as Jammer was begging for his life in silence. WTF?...

I really don't like the direction the writers had taken Gaius Baltar either, even if his new situation amongst the Cylons is very similar to how it was for the Baltar on the original BSG series in the 70's. It's just that, the actor back in the first season was so damn unique for television (or at least, Sci Fi television), only for him to become just a regular joe smoe, conflicted villain of the week these days. I guess on any other given day, I would've enjoyed the parallels in his story when comparing his trial by the Cylons to that of all the Cylon collaborators back on Galactica. It's just that, besides maybe seeing and getting weird out by Xena trying to fucking seduce the ex-president in a white dress for whatever goddam reason, there was not a single moment where I gave a shit about Gaius Baltar on a Basestar. Two years ago, I would've jumped at the chance to see the man in action in that kind of situation, but now I'm just as fucking callous about all that shit as dumbass Cally I suppose...

And where the fuck was my goddam Boomer? WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY GODDAM BOOMER?...

I expected an entire Basestar of naked fucking Grace Parks all over again. WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY BASESTAR OF NAKED FUCKING GRACE PARKS?...

But of course, at least there was hope at the end of the rainbow. Unlike in so many shitty ass episodes at the tail end of the second season, at least Collaborators managed the same feat as so many lesser-shitty episodes from the first season of the show, in at least having a stellar final fifteen minutes of an ending to close things off. The trial of Felix Gaeta was sort of too predicable for my tastes, considering I had hoped that Tyrol and co. would've pushed that pussy out of an airlock and then realized their dog shit of a bowl mistake later on or some shit like that. But still, the emotion and conflict in that sequence was great, and reminded me of just why I started to forgive Ron Moore for his goddam transgressions of a season two reset button after he hallowed and humbled us all with Exodus (Part 2)...

As for further reset buttons, it's annoying as hell to me that Tom Zarek has basically been reduced to being a villain again. Then again, the actor has always been great as portraying the moral gray area sort of bastard of the series, and I guess I can welcome that ol' version of him back. Still, it's disheartening a bit that all the good-will he built up with the Madame President over the past few episodes was completely ruined, as the two have now become bitter rivals and enemies once again. Either way though, you gotta give props to Zarek. His speech about justice without lawyers or testimonies or any circus shit like that at first sounds too damn good to be true in this day and age, until you realize just how wrong he really is. Either way though, it was an impassioned speech that helped saved the episode from goddam mediocrity...

Oddly enough, it was the Madame President who contributed the most to the actual positives of Collaborators, which is something that I really haven't said in over a goddam season. The thing is though, even with her limited screen time, Laura Roslin was back to being the wonderful, motherly figure she used to be back in season one, before the Kamala turned her into some sort of a WWE wrestling bitch post-Hand of God. Here, she did not only do the pragmatic thing but the right moral thing to do when she delivered a general pardon to all collaborators during her first day of her the return of the office. Both she and Zarek wanted the fleet to move on with their lives, but the difference was, Tom wanted to forget the past and leave it in the dust. She actually wanted to forgive, which is exactly the kind of warmth and understanding we used to get from Laura Roslin way back in season one...

But one great line from a great man was just not enough to save this episode from the goddam wretches of pure yellow dog bowl shit...

Felix the cat (or Lee Adama, for that matter...) would've taken that very dog bowl and the entrails of this fucking episode, eaten that shit, shit that shit back out, and then shoved whatever the fuck was left from its ass out of the goddam airlock to boot. How the fuck can we ever willingly revert back to usual BSG crap like Collaborators, after we've witnessed what the writers and directors really are capable of with Exodus (Part 2)?...

... like I said, whoever fucking collaborated on this story and script should be goddam fucking shot...

Now of course, there was and still is light at the end of the goddam BSG tunnel...

But whether that's sunlight, a spotlight, a rushing train, or the fucking tail end of a goddam shit stick and an airlock?...

One side of me wants to applaud Battlestar Galactica, for producing an episode really worthy of the genre of "Sci-Fi". Almost every single scene on the Basestars felt completely alienish to me, far more than any Star Trek show in recent memory, and I just gotta give Ron Moore some props for that...

But on the other hand? There's this other side of me, that just wants to gut his fucking eyeballs out for making a complete travesty of a BSG episode. Torn was absolutely nothing like the "realistic" Sci-Fi that he's been producing through the series for the past two years. And as a result, this episode just felt like a bastardized version of his dream...

On the right side of things, I really thought that the concept of "projection" when it came to the Cylons sense of perception was a great idea. It also brought forth a lot of the old side of Gaius Baltar, the self-serving and completely self-preserving aspect of him that I've loved since the first season of the show. Ron Moore finally returned to some of his old roots of having Number Six crawl inside and outside of his head, and the cinematography in those scenes was pretty much breath-taking. If only from the view from the top of Tricia Helfair's tiny little bra...

But on the wrong side of things, the rest of the Cylon world was boring as fuck. I guess the hybrid was saying some meaningful things that we won't understand until the end of the series, but besides that (and the orgasms from jumps), I didn't care for all of that thing's scenes. The Cylon world has been divided, to the point where they weren't just bickering amongst themselves but also completely ignoring the pleas of the hybrid. While I do respect the subtle social commentary there (along with the parallels with what was happening on Adama's ship at the same time), all the boring ass music and all the fucked up quick camera shots were disorienting me to the point where I just wasn't enjoying myself anymore. It was interesting yes, but just not fucking enjoyable...

But on the other hand? We had Grace fucking Park in the nude doing Tai Chi or Yoga or whatever sort of crap. Fuck, how the fuck can I ever rip and scorn an episode like that?...

Well, then again, the scenes on Galactica were pretty meaningless. They just seemed so fucking low budget, having everything happen pretty much in the same room with the same actors the whole damn time. Kara was a complete and utter bitch, and a boring one to say the least. The cutting of her hair was meant to be meaningful, but just didn't have the spirit behind it that Adama had when he shaved his pornstache. And it's just that, both Starbuck and Col. Tigh were way too one-dimensional characters, doing nothing in the end but being generic malcontents. They didn't have anything new to say that hasn't already been bashed onto our heads throughout the first few episodes of the season, about trust and hot showers and shit like that...

Wait, didn't Starbuck get to shower and eat hot steaks and shit like that in her captivity? And wasn't Saul only on the goddam planet for four fucking months, by his own fucking choice? Why the fuck are they whining and bitching and griping so damn much about four fucking months? What the fuck is this? The Grenada Convention? WTF?...

Then again, the episode was all saved by Admiral fucking Adama, laying the utmost smackdown on both their candy asses. Edward James Olmos was a badass motherfucker in Exodus (Part 2), and here he was a badass motherfucker yet again. He knocked Starbuck out of her chair without a hint of hesitation, and dared the both of them to shoot him square in the chest, almost as if it was goddam Sharon back in season one he was talking to all over again. Hell, he even stood up to Kara in the most personal of ways, stating that she was once a daughter to him but no longer. And his chest to chest thumping with Saul, if that sounds good, was probably their most goddam significant moment on the series in a year...

But fuck, then I remember how this episode felt like so much of a goddam reset button. How the fuck did Lee Adama lose his fucking fatass self in just under a week (unless time wonkiness is in full effect)? Or more for that matter, why the fuck was he reduced from Commander to just his old fucking Major self, and he now has to take orders from goddam Helo of all bitches? Everything on Galactica just seems to be back in its old season one or two way, before the Pegasus had appeared on the series. Tyrol and Cally were no longer husband and wife really, but rather coworkers. Lt. Gaeta had his old job back, doing the science sort of crap on the show. And even Grace fucking Park was back in her old Boomer role aboard the Galactica, even if her callsign had changed...

But I just can't help it if I fell in love with the Sci-Fi drama shit of this episode as well. Laura Roslin was only in a single scene, but she seemed as warm and open-hearted as you'd expect from a "good" lion watching over you with a blinking eye, I suppose. I loved the discussion on the whereabouts of earth, and I am curious as hell about that probe supposedly from our fair planet. If it really was left behind from the thirteenth tribe, how the hell did it produce a plague that would affect all Cylon models from far in the future? Leoban always did say that everything had happened before and is happening again, but does that also include the invention of the Cylons? Is it time travel we're talking about here or some sort of shit? WTF?...

It's just that, so many interesting prospects for the characters was brought up in this episode. Laura Roslin was able to "project" the hallucinations of snakes back in season one, so could that possibly mean she is one of the remaining five Cylon models that the others never speak of? And it was an interesting parallel, how Admiral Adama essentially shoved Kara out of the chair of the daughter in his heart, and gave that role to Grace Park instead. For those of you who don't know, "Athena" was the name of Adama's actual daughter back in the original Battlestar Galactica series...

Now, if the plague really does affect everything Cylon in its range within mere moments, not only does that mean poor "Athena" is about to be spewing a hell of a lot of morning sickness bile quite soon for the second damn time in the series, but perhaps it also shows that Laura Roslin really is the goddam chosen Neo one afterall? If she now has Cylon cells throughout her bloodstream (due to her miracle cure from cancer), maybe she really is the leader who will lead the tribes to earth but can't land a step on the new homeworld herself...

And maybe the writers actually do have a fucking plan afterall? Who fucking knows? But it sure as hell seemed like it in Torn, for the first time in God knows how long......

And there you have it. I'm honestly split half and half like a fucking shitty ass hybrid engine on this episode...

On the one hand, it was an interesting piece of Sci-Fi art that was so damn different from the rest of the series that it can't help but be noticed...

But on the other hand? It just seemed so damn low budget, with so many Sci-Fi cliches at times, that I felt like I was watching a cheapass homage to the original Star Trek goddam series. And considering Ron Moore was once Mr. Star Trek himself, that's probably exactly what I was witnessing...

Seriously, I both loved and loathed, enjoyed and completely disliked this episode all at the same time. WTF?...

On the one hand, the Cylon scenes completely mindfucked my eyeballs, and most moments on Galactica were generic as holy goddam fuck...

"Last week, I somewhat praised the writers for producing a small measure of salvation for the series...

Ironic, really. That on Remembrance Day, not only did Battlestar Galactica air perhaps their least memorable episode of all fucking time, but a show that was a complete disservice to the men and women who fought and died for our freedoms in all the years of the past...

Hell, A Small Measure of Salvation was just so much of an embarrassment not just to the series but to SciFi in general, then it even makes the goddam liberialism of the New Caprica arc seem metaphorically brilliant in comparison. WTF?...

This episode started off on the right foot though. The camera angles and the doom and gloom of the Colonials finding and boarding the downed Basestar had its moments. The music and the fear of what would happen to Athena as she stepped onboard the infected ship was already enough to get me excited for the rest of the episode. Sure, it was dumbass as hell that everyone took off their spacesuits and breathed in the air of what pretty much looked like an outbreak zone. But hey, one small fault in an episode doesn't a Smallville shit ass episode make, right?...

A Small Measure of Salvation must have been no small feat for the writers to concoct something this damn thoughtless and this damn pathetically dumbass in the end. There were just so many cop-outs and shortcuts done to get from point A to B, that it seriously reminded me of goddam Star Trek Voyager of all fucking series...

Why the fuck was Sharon immune to the disease? Because her fucking miracle hybrid of a child helped her produce anti-bodies? Sure, I can accept that explanation from a scientific point of view, but not from a goddam story-telling one. The entire fear and threat of the episode was removed then and there. The only thing I gave a shit about was the future of Athena, and I seriously had thought that she'd be stuck taking Doc Cottle's treatment for the disease for the rest of her existence. Instead though, the writers gave her character a complete free-fucking-pass from the plague, as if it never fucking happened in the first place. Whatever happened to continuity and consequences in the series anymore, I will never know...

So what if Apollo and co wanted to wipe out the Cylons? The thing is, while obviously I disagree with genocide, it's not like I've ever encountered a situation where twelve fucking billion human beings were wiped out in a single fucking attack. There shouldn't have even been a debate in the Battlestar Galactica world about thinking twice on removing the Cylon threat once and for all. If the Cylons aren't destroyed, then not only would humanity from the twelve colonies be wiped out, but the people of earth would probably be fucked over as well. Sure, you lose a part of your soul destroying an entire species, but don't you lose a part of your soul anyways every time you fucking kill a person in cold blood, or even self defence? As a metaphor for 9/11, I can see the point in the debate about genocide. But when talking about retribution for twelve fucking billion people dead and the survival of the last remnants of humanity, then why the fuck would I ever give a shit about morals and pussy shit like that?...

Not only that, but why the fuck would the plague work on the Cylons in the first place? I had thought from Torn that the disease had been specifically designed to combat the Cylon gene pool, otherwise how the fuck could it carry over through resurrection ship shit? Yet here we learn that it was just a thirty thousand year old disease that apparently humans had become immune to, yet Cylons in their cancer-solving ways couldn't even last ten seconds against it. And if it was a human disease, how the fuck could it ever transmit through radio-esque waves into the fucking Resurrection ship? I really don't get it. I just don't fucking get it...

It would've been so much better if maybe the Colonials had actually tried their tactic in destroying the Cylons, only for the Cylons to shut down their resurrection ship and self destruct it before the plague could spread. That way, the writers would at least have had some consequences left over from their actions (the crew of the ship feeling remorse for trying genocide and failing, the Cylons now wanting revenge, and the Colonials having a tactical advantage over their enemies out of the fear for their new biological weapon). But no, for some odd reason, Ron Moore completely forgot about all the continuity that made his Battlestar Galactica into a decent series in the first place. Instead, he wrapped everything up in a neat little package with a bow on top, and "closed the book" on absolutely the dumbest ass decision that Admiral Adama could ever make...

Nobody's coming for you. And who the fuck has ever come for Sharon in the past goddam year? Adama treats her like a goddam daughter, and you're somehow still the fucking XO of the fucking only Battlestar left in existence. And yet you're showing goddam teen angst for being the only real fucking traitor on the ship? WTF?...

I don't care whether Helo was right or wrong about morals. The fact is, Athena had it right, that as soon as you wear the uniform and give your oaths, you just never forsake the badge. Even if you're right in your decision, you're still a fucking traitor and you should take the consequences of it (normally execution) like a man, at least knowing you were right. The thing is, absolutely the biggest fucking cop-out of the episode, was that after his actions sacrificed not only Galactica's only tactical advantage over the Cylons but also the men and women fighting in Vipers during the battle, nobody fucking came for Helo at all. He was completely safe, and still the executive officer of the fucking Battlestar Galactica? What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this shit? Tom Paris and Star Trek Voyager? WTF?...

Ironic really, that the only time Helo ever grew a set of balls was when he was acting as a complete and utter fucking pussy. WTF?...

And there were just so many other problems with this episode that I can't even begin to mention them all. WTF was Gaeta and Dualla doing back in CIC? Apparently, the reset button not only made Lee completely content with being a major again, but now everyone had back their old jobs after a year of rust and doing absolute shit on the planet? And after one fucking episode of an ass kicking, just ten minutes later and Starbuck is back to being a model space cadet in her Viper? WTF?...

Sure, Sharon was hot, especially as she was sweating sweet shit out of fear that that pussy goo on her hands would somehow give her Cylon AIDs. But her character was just so damn ruined by this complete cop-out of an episode, by all the stupid ass mistakes that the writers fucking made, and by the fact that fucking Helo of all bitches was by her side, that even I couldn't bear witness to just how smokin' fucking cute she really was...

We were meant to be touched or perhaps mortified by the talks between Admiral Adama and Laura Roslin about the use of biological weapons and goddam genocide. But I'm sorry, I know she's a school teacher and everything, but this debate felt like it was just something ripped out of an elementary school text book for goddam war time politics and morals. I've seen all this shit before from Ron Moore himself in Star Trek: The Next Generation's "I, Borg", and it was a hell of a lot better done back then (even if the decision at the end was purely pussy dumbass). Here, there really should have been no debate. Twelve billion humans dead, with only 40 000 left. In that scenario, you take what you can get and you run with it, as sometimes really you have no choice but to believe that the end really does justify the means...

Imagine what would've happened if the world had just rolled over for Hitler sixty fucking years ago. For the sake of the morals of a few people then and there, we would've let a madman take over the planet with his goddam principles of genocide and shit like that. People still blast away at America for using the nuclear bomb on Japan, even though chances were that not using it would've let hundreds of thousands of more deaths happen in terms of regular bombing raids and ground assault combat. Sometimes, you do what you have to do not for yourself and not for your own conscience, but for the sake of the children of your children. For your descendants to have the chance to give more of a shit about iPods and teen fucking angst television shows than whether they were next in line to be goddam slaughtered...

Because that's what it means to be a soldier. That's what it means to be a veteran.

And truth be told, A Small Measure of Salvation was worth anything but just a goddam post-it note on goddam Remembrance Day...

... I would've preferred a goddam rerun of Hand of God than this shit, thank you very much...

... as anything but this week's episode would've been at least a small measure of salvation..."

And no, contrary to popular (or misguided) belief, he alone was not enough to save this episode...

It's not like Hero was the greatest of hours of storytelling or anything. I pretty much equate it to The Captain's Hand from last season. It was an overall solid standalone episode with admirable acting. And quite frankly, it's also been the only decent episode of the third season of Battlestar Galactica next to Exodus (Part 2), in my honest opinion at least...

Of course, the faults with this season of Galactica still goddam abound. So many characters just didn't feel like their real selves, with Starbuck completely ignoring the hardass character she supposedly became back on New Caprica, and with Dualla playing the token black girl role with her three second stint. Almost every other character was completely missing in action, whether it be Gaeta or Boomer, although I thank the gods that Helo only had a single token moron scene in the CIC...

This was probably Lee's best and only decent episode of the season so far. Now sure, he didn't even have many moments, looking completely out of place without his fatass face at his father's medal ceremony even. What I did enjoy though, was how he actually stood behind and even defended his father's past against the Admiral himself. It was foolish and "naive" of William Adama to believe that he alone had sowed the seeds of the destruction of humanity, and it not only wise but right of Lee to lay the smackdown on his father for ever really giving it a serious thought. Lee in the first season of the show would've just blamed his father in a Tom Welling teen angst way, while Lee in the second season would've just been too damn lazy or bloody hell fat to even get off his ass in the first place to argue. It was nice that his character was given at least some semblance of intelligence here, and it was great that the actor was actually able to pull it off...

If there's any real reason why this review of Hero won't be nearly as long as my normal BSG reviews, it's not because there's nothing to say, but rather there's nothing that needs to be said. Edward James Olmos is simply the best damn actor in SciFi today (or at least since TNG went off the air), and I think all of us here already fucking know that. He alone carried the entire Galactica team to Valkryie victory here with his damn fine performance alone. Whether he was just silently contemplating in the corner of a room or tearing himself apart at the seams for the guilt over what he had done, he was simply amazing in his role as Admiral. He didn't just seem to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders anymore, but rather the weight of an old man with a heavy conscience...

And if anything? I don't know, but Edward James Olmos alone was able to bring the strong character arc of an atmosphere from the first season of the show back into this season for the first time this year. The flashbacks on the Valkyrie were all done well, in a shaky cam sort of way far more reminiscent of the way BSG used to be able to pull it off successfully years ago. And the fact that he knowingly and willingly shot down one of his favourite pilots to prevent a war with the Cylons, actually brings to light a better reason why he was so unwilling to leave Kara alone to die on a dusty planet back in season one. He refused to leave anyone behind starting from the moment he sacrificed ol' Danny Dixon and couldn't live with himself, and I personally felt that Hero helped flesh out the backstory of BSG's true hero pretty damn well in the end...

But okay, so maybe Papa Smurf Adama in this episode did have his weak spots from time to time. Having the Galactica to be the old man's "graceful retirement" for the botched black ops was pretty damn dumb, considering back in the mini-series, it had seemed like he was in love with the ol' ship as if it had been his for decades. It was also pretty damsel in distress of him to actually naively believe that he alone could've started the Cylon war, when if I was in place, I would've instead believed that actually going to war with the Cylons then and there could've prevented their disastrous surprise attack on the colonies a year later. And I honestly don't get why the Admiral was weaksauce enough to tenure his resignation to the president then and there, when really he should've known better that there really is nobody else in the fucking fleet to take his place. Because I sure as hell wouldn't want fatass Lee back at the helm...

Even if the Admiral did have his moments of weakness before the president, the thing is, Hero was strengthened by the fact that this was truly Laura Roslin's best episode since the first season of the show. She was warm, compassionate and understanding at times, but also confident and wise enough to know what needed to be done for the greater good. There was no logic in letting Adama resign his commission, and she even made him miserable by pinning a medal on his chest, just for the moral of the entire fleet...

And I don't know, but there were just so many little things that the actress did well in the episode that also somehow made Hero feel special. Not only did we get some lovely scenes of Torri lookin' as smoking hot as Torrie fucking Wilson from the WWE, but was Roslin also trying to flirt with Adama or some shit like that when she was asking what really happened with Bulldog and the black ops? Because all I do know, is that sadly, I was turned on by the little flip of her dress then and there. WTF?...

Or maybe Edward James Olmos just has this amazing talent to make every fucking actor around him into sheer Shakespearean genius. It certainly worked with Colonel Tigh this episode, as his whining and griping and bitching at this point in time actually made goddam sense for once. He was still the ever dumbass badass, giving away the truth to Dixon how Jennifer Garner left him to rot in Cylon space for the betterment of her career, but at least it led to some amusing results. And then what do you know, but Tigh actually manned up and took one for the team, playing the hero for once instead of the devil's advocate and actually saving the ass of his friend. Now, I don't get why he didn't just send Starbuck to save the old man's ass instead, considering she could've gotten there a hell of a lot sooner than a one eyed drunk, but whatever. Either way, Tigh for once was worth a goddam moment or two on the show, and that's saying a hell of a lot...

But of course, sure Tigh may have played the hero, but I think we all know who the real hero of the story is. Because only Gaius Baltar could get a hot poker shoved up his ass one week, and then shove his own finger up the hot asses of two fucking smokin' bitches the next...

... hot damn, for the first time since the first season, I want to be that man...

... God, do I want to be in his shoes... and to be in his women, but I digress...

Now, I have no idea whether Hero will survive under the microscope of scrutiny. Like I said, I equate it for now to The Captain's Hand, an episode I quite enjoyed for the most part on first viewing, but one that I just didn't really give a shit about on the second screening. And despite Admiral Adama's admirable performance, right now I just don't feel the goddam urge to watch Hero a second time fold...

But at least finally, for the first time and pretty much the only goddam time since Exodus (Part 2) this season, Battlestar Galactica actually produced an episode worthy enough to be fucking goddam watchable in the goddam first place. And at least that's saying something...

Because for the most part? The third season of the show has been just so goddam atrociously painful, that not only would I prefer to watch goddam Heroes on television during the fucking goddam week...

... but that I would rather prefer to watch goddam reruns of fucking Alias as well...

Well, actually, now that I think about it? I guess Unfinished Business wasn't exactly a terrible episode, per say...

Now sure, I hated it and would prefer for fucking donkey diarrhea to bleed out of my bloody hell ears than to ever watch this fucking bullshit again. But besides that? It's not like the actual script and the acting performances were horrible. I guess though, it's just that?...

WTF was I watching? Battlestar: The OC? Battleshit: Smallville? Gilmore Galactica? WTF?...

So, you're telling me that poor little Lee Adama was so fucking heart-broken over getting rejected over a fucking one night stand from Starbuck, that he got all fat and obese? WTF is this emo-shit? Does the former Commander also have a MySpace blog and a Friendster account to boot? Does he sing emo-rock to himself as a lullaby before sucking his own dick and going to sleep? Is that why he was dumbass enough to marry that twig bitch, Dualla? WTF?...

I don't even want to talk about the dumbass ramifications of the whole Lee and Starbuck storyline. I mean, I know the two have always had a thing for each other, obviously since Starbuck seems to have a hard-on for all things Adama (she was going to marry into the family afterall). Hell, I would prefer a fucking foursome between her and Zach and Lee and the fucking Admiral as well, screaming out which of the three was really her daddy, than the fucking soap opera bullshit we were given this episode. But instead, we got a horrible character piece where the two of them apparently love each other so much that after marrying random other people, they beat each other to a pulp in public and then embrace their sweaty bodies in front of their better halves...

Because yeah, I know that Battlestar Galactica has always been a space opera. It's just that, the soap opera shit has been done so well before in episodes like Hand of God, Home and Pegasus, that there's no fucking excuse for the writers to force feed this shit on us all in an entire episode dedicated to fucking Punch Out or some shit like that. I mean seriously, I didn't think this was possible, but the writers for once actually produced a romance so damn atrociously unbearable, that it literally made me yearn for the days of Sharon and fucking Helo getting it on. Or hell, I'd even take Anakin and Padme over this raunch bullshit, and that's just plan embarrassing. WTF?...

... sigh... at least Padma was actually hot... for the five minutes when she wasn't a CG cut-out, that is...

And yes, Boomer (or Athena) in that wonderful little tank top of hers was the only damn decent thing in this episode...

... that, along with Hot Dog getting knocked out in two seconds flat, were perhaps the only things to give me hope and to keep me going, really...

Well, okay. There was one other saving grace, I suppose. Admiral Adama duking it out with Tyrol was the real climax of the episode, and the only scene worth a real damn in the grand scheme of things. Even with his mouth all bloodied up and his face gushing red, the Admiral still managed to lay the smackdown on everyone's candy asses. He got Tyrol and his "fat, lazy ass" to get back to work, as the Admiral sacrificed a battle to win the war. That's exactly why I loved his character so much in previous seasons, that he cares so much for his crew that it breaks his heart when he knows he has to sacrifice even one of them for the greater good, and it was great that the guy finally regrew his set of balls here in Unfinished Business...

Wow. Madame President is such a whore. I guess though, nice job with that fucking passionfruit top of hers by the way, although it really made no logical sense (cinematic sense sure, but logical?) for the dusty, freezing cold planet of New Caprica to be all bright and fucking red on the day that Baltar broke ground. But besides all that, hot damn, was she ever horny. Until the scene where she and Adama are staring up at the stars, every single one of her lines pretty much screamed out, "I'm a hot MILF. Fuck me, bitch". And we've just gotta assume that Admiral Adama would tap that ass. Otherwise, why the hell would he become so damn soft in the end?...

And Lee Adama, fatass self and all, had been having a decent enough season for the most part until we ran into this goddam Starbuck shit of his. Last season, it was completely forgotten for the longest time that the two had something for each other, and it was completely ignored this season so far as well. And yet suddenly, the writers Jedi force push all this emo, teen angst bullshit back down our gullets and throats without any semblance of real character development or an arc between the both of them for the past ten or so episodes? They just expect us to go, "ooh, pretty boxing ring", completely ignore the fact that Starbuck was fucking doing kick boxing of all shitty ass cheap ass cheats, and then just call it a night as the two supposedly really do love each other? WTF?...

Who the fuck writes this bullshit? The same shithead who thought Black Market would be a good idea? WTF?...

Because if I ever happen upon the poor unfortunate soul who actually wrote this galactic piece of shit of an episode?...

For one thing, the Colonials had to pass through a radiation-filled star cluster to get to their so-called salvation of algae for food. While it makes little sense that they couldn't just have gone around the star cluster with multiple jumps like they claimed they couldn't (the same excuse used by Star Trek: Voyager multiple times, might I add...), I was still willing to suspend my belief just for the fancy Sci-Fi eye-candy and all...

But the other message? Of a rite of passage, or death, or the fact that anyone who actually watches this episode will suddenly want to wring their own necks from all the sheer goddam stupidity? WTF?...

I don't mind that the writers wanted to spend yet another episode on character development and shit like that. I don't mind the fact that they chose to dedicate one last episode to Kat before she was whisked away by the stars to the heavens or whatever sort of shit. I didn't even mind her sacrifice at the end, as cliche and eye-rolling as it was...

But the fact that literally out of nowhere for the umpteenth time this season already, a character's hidden backstory that was never hinted at before, suddenly becomes the main premise of an entire fucking episode? Seriously, WTF?...

Because you know those scenes of Hot Dog vomiting and spewing all his street meat guts out from the overdose of radiation?...

... yeah, that was pretty much me, gagging at the sob story of Katrina or whatever the fuck her name is supposed to be...

Was there even any hint of her drug or human or whatever trafficking past from before? Besides a small stint with stims, I personally don't recall a single damn mention of anything like this sort of shit in the series so far. Yet it was all shoved down our throats here, in pretty much a forgettable standalone episode that had her trying to be a hero, just so the writers could again save some cash after blowing the entire budget on Exodus (Part 2). And just for shits and giggles, they opted to rip off another SG-1 character and had the Replicator Fifth play a ridiculous role just for fun...

I just felt no connection with Kat whatsoever. It felt forced at the start of the season how a newbie to the fleet could be given the rank of CAG long ago, and it just ranks of melodramatic bullshit that she would be promoted back to the position now. Sure, it was symbolic, but I really just couldn't give a damn about a character who I never cared about before. She had no backstory and no interesting plot developments in her entire prior history on the series. Why did the writers leave it to her final hour on the show to finally give her some depth? I don't know, but it just didn't work...

I felt more pain for Apollo than anything else. How many fucking times has the guy been depromoted or whatever kind of shit by now? First when the Pegasus arrived, then when he blew up the ship, and now again just for a stupid ass symbolic gesture to a bitch who never deserved it in the first place? Honestly, why is Lee the whippin' boy of the military hierarchy? If his rank gets any lower, what the fuck do we call him? Tom fucking Paris? Harry fucking Kim Jong Il? WTF?...

Starbuck was just off this episode. I don't blame the actress for bitching and complaining about her role this season, because it's just not making sense. She was just so damn hypocritical while lecturing Kat about being a traitor and shit like that, that it literally made me yearn for the days of Super Starbuck slutting it on with Dr. Gaius Baltar of all people. And then at the end, she suddenly plays all nice with Kat for her sacrifice, as if the audience wouldn't remember just how poorly written Kara's earlier speeches in the episode all were? WTF?...

If I'm going to suspend my disbelief for an hour of television, I need believable characters who stay true to the personalities we've come to know over the past few months and years. And for the past few episodes, Starbuck has been just so damn bipolar that if anything else?...

Sadly, the only females on the show that have my respect right now are the fucking Cylons. Obviously, any Boomer or Athena sightings are more than welcome, but having Caprica and Xena naked in a bed together too always gets my hopes up (and other parts of me as well...)...

The only semblance of a plot in this throwaway episode came from Gaius Baltar, as the only real laugh I gave throughout the hour was when he honestly believed that "Intelligence; a burning mind" was referring to him. Besides that, I was genuinely interested in all of the talk of the remaining five Cylon models. Problem was, The Passage turned out to be just one huge cocktease for next week's mid-season finale, as we learned absolutely nothing here except the name of the next fucking episode of the series...

Okay, so maybe there was one other moment in the episode where it shined. The joke about a "paper shortage" was just so damn bad and just so damn predictable, that I couldn't help but laugh with Adama and Tigh about the stupidity and absurdity of it all. The both of them have been through so damn much, so it actually felt natural that they would howl and snort over such a lameass joke of levity. It felt so damn unnatural, to be chuckling at some a poorly executed comment, that I actually started to laugh along with the both of them too. The writing was awful, but the actors and their combined history over the course of the series made it work. That's what I expect from BSG, not this lameass Kat the Drug Dealer bullshit that literally came flying through the window like Squirrel shit out of goddam nowhere...

And no matter how many times I say it? I just never say it enough. Edward James Olmos is the man. As even though I absolutely hated the main plotline of this episode with all the guts that I and the pilots could ever spew out, he still made me a believer as he consoled the dying Katrina with stories of his wife and want for a daughter. He just seemed so damn honest, that I really started feeling sorry for the man. I didn't give a shit about the new CAG bleeding profusely and writhing in pain on the bed there, but I definitely did feel something instead when the mere mention of Zach Adama was made. That is the kind of backstory I care about, the history of the Adamas that the first season of the show used to be so based upon, not this throwaway and standalone bullshit about this Hurricane Katrina character we never knew...

Now, don't get me wrong. The Passage definitely did have its moments, with the aforementioned Adama scenes definitely included...

It's just that, compared with the twilight of Battlestar Galactica, when the show was actually worth a damn (not just an Adama) to watch?...

Sure, The Passage still managed to get the IvanFian episode of the week award, if only because Sharon looked hot as hell in that radioactive cloud of hers, and if only because Stargate Atlantis and Smallville both sucked harder than the Toronto Maple Leafs have been playing as of late (and goddammit, that's just embarrassingly bad...)...

But if there is ever another week that pulls that same damn random fucking bullshit out of it ass like The Passage did?...

Then seriously, no thanks. I'd prefer not to spew my lunch out, thank you very much...

I apologize for my tardiness, but Nintendo fans would definitely know the reason why. How can I possibly resist the allure and temptation of the one and only Zelda? Nothing can pull me away from my precious. NOTHING...

Last year at the mid-season break, we got Pegasus, which wasn't just one of the best damn episodes that Battlestar Galactica has ever produced, but one of the best damn hours of television I had ever witnessed. It wasn't just about the flash effects or the Sci-Fi cliche crap, but rather a deep and intriguing insight into the human soul at a time of desperation and need. Dare I say it, that for that one episode alone, Ron Moore really did explore the human condition like the true spirit of Star Trek has always meant to accomplish...

This year though? In this shitty ass third season (not that the second season was any better as a whole, mind you...), BSG completely ignored any insight into the human condition, and went straight to the shitter of the Star Trek cliche cliffhanger. Hell, I was half expecting Admiral Adama to turn to Lieutenant Worf and order, "Fire", on Captain fucking Picard...

... not like that'd do anything to Picard though, considering he is a god amongst men who rules the known universe, but that's a story for another day...

Still, while the episode itself wasn't so damn bad to watch, there wasn't a single thing here in Eye of Jupiter that truly stands at. At best, we got Chief Tyrol staring at a mountain, wanting to take a big ol' shit, only to find some toilet bowl of a temple instead. Some of the questions surrounding the Temple of Five would have been interesting, if only this hadn't been done better in Home and pretty much every fucking Stargate SG-1 episode out there. At worst, we got fucking Cally there, abandoning her kid on Galactica to go stare at Chief Tyrol becoming obsessed with some gold nugget of a plate in the middle of nowhere. Wow, I was so impressed. Really...

We were forced into some god-awful affair of a relationship between Apollo and Starbuck as well. Naturally, in order to continue the teen angst series and to continue haunting viewers, the relationship isn't allowed to go anywhere, with Lee being too much of a man to cheat on Dualla, and Starbuck being too much of a slut to divorce. In the end, nobody watching the goddam episode gave two shits about this fucking god-awful plotline, except for the sad promise of angry make-up sex between Starbuck and Dualla, and Apollo and Anders. Obviously, I was rooting only for the former, but we didn't even get that much of a thank-you note from Ron Moore, except for an extra sweaty scene between the both of them that had absolutely no purpose whatsoever...

Sigh... I miss the days when Gaius Baltar was simply an ingenious enough of a character to save the ass of each and every episode by his lonesome. And while he definitely had his moments here, namely when the Cavil Cylon offered the former president up as extra incentive to make a deal, Baltar has just been wasted so damn much this season that I really couldn't muster up a damn. Besides that, what the fuck did the good doctor offer? Some stupid ass religious bullshit between him and the Number Three model from the threesome? His relationship with Number Six used to be interesting, but now it's been put on the backburner for nothing more than the burn of the hot actress' ass in bed. Not that I'm complaining about that part, but we used to get those gratuitous ass shots along with some decent plotlines, thank you very much...

The plotline of The Eye of Jupiter obviously dealt with the Eye of Jupiter artifact down on the planet, but the only damn thing I cared about in the episode was obviously how cute Grace Park glowed in the moonlight. Here we finally got a staredown of a showdown between Boomer and Athena, the only problem being that Boomer completely didn't act like herself. Where the fuck was her old school compassion for humanity? Why the hell did they change her into just a generic babysitter of a Cylon? Sure, she was fucking smokin' hot as hell with that lovely FOB hairstyle of hers, but that's just not enough for me when she used to offer so much more (as in, more screentime with naked ass shots...)...

Instead, we finally got the moment here where Admiral Adama tells the truth about Hera to Sharon and Helo. Of course, we then get the requisite scene of the pussy whipped Helo, sucking some tits some more when it comes to his daughter (understandably so, but still, it was done so damn badly...). And what does Sharon get in her moment to shine? I guess the eyes tell all, and we're meant to be left 'speechless' or whatever that she only had a few remote words to say. In the end, we're forced to wait until the next fucking episode to see what the fuck happens. The only problem is, I don't give a frakkin' shit...

Now sure, it's not like The Eye of Jupiter was a bad episode. We had some good acting from Madame President, it felt natural to see Colonel Tigh back in charge, and Admiral Adama was the man again, not letting the Cylons bully him around no matter what was at stake on the ground. The thing is though, did the writers really have to make everything feel so damn bland and generic, especially with a cast of such dynamic and effective actors? Did they really have to steal the contents of the book of cliffhangers, scene by scene and line by line? WTF?...

So what are we honestly to be left frothing in anticipation at? Starbuck getting shot down by the Cylons? Why the fuck would we care about the shit slut anymore? She's been a complete waste of airtime this season. Are we supposed to actually believe for a second that that Anders and Lee Adama showdown is going to go anywhere? Why would it matter? Do we honestly give two shits if Anders gets shot in the head? And oh wow, Adama is ready to launch nukes at the fucking planet. Like I said, at this point in the season, why does it matter if Lee or Starbuck get fucking blown to hell? And please, Admiral, get rid of fucking Cally and Tyrol for us. Please, I beg you...

... and Pegasus last year from Battlestar Galactica was simply a goddam work of art...

... I would rather stab myself in the fucking eye than put myself through this goddam cliche shit again...

And hell's bells, it's never a good sign if it honestly takes me two fucking weeks to muster up enough will power to actually write a short fucking review of a goddam BSG episode...

... of course, actually having a good story in my fucking precious Zelda game definitely helps out in that regard...

"I was surprised, really. That Rapture didn't fucking suck ass as much as the Toronto fucking Raptors...

(.500 baby, FIVE FUCKING HUNDRED... though obviously, that ain't gonna last more than 24 hours, but that's besides the point...)...

Now, did this episode capture and enrapture my heart, if that's even a word? Not exactly, considering too much of it was devoted to meaningless, religious dribble. And of course, the camera was centered on more sweaty gay action between Dualla and Starbuck on one end, and Anders and Lee on the other. The back end, really...

But after rolling my eyes at just how damn predictable and cliche that the first part of the BSG mid-season finale was, I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't see a lot of the revelations in Rapture coming from a mile away. It sort of was the opposite feeling as I had last year, when Pegasus completely outshone its next two episodes, while I completely have no memory of the turd of whatever episode came before Rapture this season already...

I do however remember a lot of speculation on the net about those drawings in Starbuck's quarters last year, although at the time I thought nothing of it. I imagined it to be just a cool little design of a pattern, as I never thought it would come back as a major revelation for all those who cared. It really does seem like Starbuck is a Cylon now, one of the final five, who we are being led to believe are actually the Five Lords of Kobol as well. Considering the rumours surrounding Katee Sackoff's future on the series (...), I'm actually excited at how her role will play out for the rest of the third season now. Her character has been without direction for so long now, pining over Lee and whining over Leoban, and now finally the writers have finally give her a goddam road-sign...

Did I see it coming, that the drawing on the temple walls was actually that of a supernova? Why didn't the 13th tribe just call it an "exploding star" instead of the fucking Eye of Jupiter then? Either way, even though both Cally and Tyrol pissed me off as hell the whole time they were on screen (why didn't he just blow up the temple when the rockstar of a supernova would've done it a minute later anyhew? WTF?...), I did actually find the look in his eyes to be somewhat comforting, the way he was kind of in a trance at the sight of the sun igniting before him. Is he a fucking Cylon then? Who the fuck knows? All I do know, is that that kind of revelation in his mind, was actually very well written and brilliantly acted out in the end. And of course, the SciFi effects of the solar system being nuked to hell by its Sun were fun for the time being as well...

I was rolling my eyes and burrowing my brow deep down into the pits of my gut at just how dumb it was to end the mid-season cliffhanger a month ago on Admiral Adama threatening to nuke the planet. We knew he wouldn't dare do such a thing, yet Rapture actually had its moments where I was left in doubt at the start of what would actually happen. Of course, logic simply states that Lee and Starbuck have to survive on the surface (nobody cares about Anders though...), but Edward James Olmos just proved to me once again that he truly is The Man around these parts, as he completely convinced me with his acting then and there that he was truly willing to go all out...

... and hell, even Pirate Tigh over in the corner had his moments too, even if he was just the sidekick of a hamburgler helper meal here...

Now, despite all my praise, of course it's not like Rapture was the real highlight of my week or anything (strangely enough, that honour actually goes to goddam Smallville for once... WTF?...). I couldn't stand any of the scenes with Baltar (who obviously is not a Cylon) or with D'eanna down on the planet's surface, especially with just how damn vague the writers are being with the Final Five. So, getting this straight in my head, Number Three (don't get why she would be the third model created yet not part of the Final Five...) sees the identities of the Cylon gods, then gets fucking boxed by Cavil before ever getting to tell the others what she saw? How the fuck does that make sense? WTF?...

Of course, I was in love with every single moment that Grace Park was showing her cute as fuck face on screen. It's just that, half of that time, we were also faced with fucking Helo being a complete pussy-whipped asshole, even going so far as to suicide his girl at the crack of her whip. And the other half of the time, Grace Park was playing a character who completely didn't make sense, as the only way I can possibly fathom how "Boomer" would have gone Cylon insane enough to snap a baby's neck (interesting twist from Number Six in the miniseries...), is if she really did miss being part of the Galactica family with Adama and Tigh, and couldn't bear the brunt of the fact that she is indeed a bitch of a Cylon...

Either way though, I can forgive Grace Park for all her character's transgressions, simply because she was hot as fuck with that FOB hairstyle of hers. It's just that, the writing of her characters just doesn't make any real damn logical sense at times, as this was not the Boomer we saw at the end of season two. And as for "Athena", the good Grace Park? We're left with the open-ended question of whether she really was going to betray Galactica or not. Personally, I don't give a shit if she turns out as goddam bitchy as her Edgemont counterpart of Lana Lang over on Smallville, as long as Sharon keeps sitting there pretty for the camera without a single word uttered...

I didn't like vast majorities of this episode, but Rapture still managed to capture my imagination with all roads and signs leading to Rome, or Earth in this case. Of course, having some decent generic action sequences of Cylons getting shot in the head with automatic weapons fire always helps too, but that's besides the point...

So yes, I was surprised, really. After The Eye of Jupiter a month ago, my expectations for Rapture were seriously as low as a goddam setting Sun. Now, I wasn't quite blown away like a fucking supernova by this episode or anything, but I was indeed definitely surprised that it probably ended up being second on the list to Exodus for season fucking three...

Wow. Ron Moore must really love those long, goddam, overpretentious titles there. Must help him lay down his burdens, eh?...

But really, was "Taking a Break From All Your Worries" really long enough to satisfy his stunted dick? Why not try something with a tad bit more meat?...

Why not go with "Peter Jackson's King Kong: The Official Game of the Official Movie", or "Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice For All" or some shit like that?...

Well, the former may have been pure shit, but the latter is kicking my ass and making me its bitch right now, so...

... which is far more than I can say for Battlestar Galactica at this point in time...

Taking a Break From All Your Worries simply did not put any of my fears to rest that the series has jumped the proverbial shark of an arc, as if I was watching the trainwreck of Buffy the Vampire Slayer's seventh season all over again. Because you just know that something is going wrong with a series, when during Taking a Break From All Your Worries, I found myself wishing that I could take constant breaks from this episode in the goddam washroom...

... as yes, all the fucking goddam, emo-teen angst was making me actually prefer the smell of my own shit, believe it or not...

Now sure, there were a few scant pluses in the episode. Mainly, the Baltar interrogation scene while he was hallucinating in the water was decent enough, if only because Admiral Adama was there to temper or tempest the tides. In essence though, even that noteworthy scene contributed almost nothing to the series that the audience didn't already know or realize, as it's Laura Roslin, the supreme ruling bitch, who finally takes the credit on the series of finally realizing something is mystical and integrally linked about the goddam "Final Five"...

Baltar may have had some decent emotional scenes, such as hanging himself at the start in hope that he was indeed a Cylon, or getting himself stabbed in the neck by Lt. Gaeta (who was absolutely the worst fucking guy to send into the room to conceal a goddam hidden camera, might I add...). Yeah, the writers valiantly tried to make Baltar into some sort of fallen, tragic hero or some shit like that, but all it did in the end was make me puke at the sight of all that white semen-like goo dripping from his goddam Jesus-clone of a beard...

Anyhew, the vast majority of this episode was completely wasted on the fucking teen angst tryst of Lee Adama, Kara Thrace, Anders and fucking Dualla. And hell, the writers even threw in Chief Tyrol as a fucking pathetic drinking buddy of Adama's, not like I gave two shits about whether Cally was beating him up the ass at night or not...

My God, was Lee Adama fucking pussy-whipped in every fucking dimension and definition of the word. First, he puts up with the fucking emo-shit of Dualla, the fucking constant nag of a hag that he should just pimp-slap back to the twig of a nest. Next, he gets his ass handed to him by Starbuck, or at least lack thereof, being too much of a pussy himself to go fist her starlit, beaming tatoo of a bullseye ass. Finally, he loses whatever semblance of a spine he had still left by the end of the episode, by crawling back to Dualla as if he had just been clubbed in the back of the head with a goddam emo-whip...

And of course, nothing really gets solved in this god-awful, love quadrangle of a fucking writer mess. Who the fuck thought this shit would ever be better than Black Market, I don't know. Either way, whoever wrote Taking a Break From All Your Worries should fucking take a break and take a hike from the goddam writers' table, if I had my fucking way at least...

Starbuck here has been grossly misused, reducing her role to the equivalent of that of Smallville's own fucking Lana Lang. Kara used to be such a great character in the first season of the show, despite her Super Starbuck-ness and all the fucking relationship crap she was getting herself into...

Now, the writers have fucking written themselves into an infinite hole by plugging her own whore of a hole all the way up with fucking Anders' dick of all things. Granted, they also didn't help themselves out by picking absolutely one of the most bone-headed and wooden actors that they could ever find to play the pyramid-challenged dunce, as he mightedly struggled to force his way through the piss poor dialogue of Leoban's "plan" in the end for Kara, but whatever. A shit storyline deserves shit ass actors thanks to complete and utter shitasstic directing, if I do dare say so myself...

Really, is there anything positive to comment about this episode at all? Sure, some of the cinematography was decent, but that's a given considering this is shaky cam Battlestar Galactica we're talking about here. I expected more, far more, from the third season of the series that once brought us classics like The Hand of God, Kobol's Last Gleaming and Pegasus...

Just more whining and pining and bitching from all teen angst cast and characters on the set, all trying desperately to make Dualla look like the good girl on the set, yet obviously all failing miserably? WTF?...

Seriously, if Taking a Break From All Your Worries is the fucking best the writers can come up with these days?...

... then alas, they're better off taking a hike, and I'm better off taking a shit...

As really, I think it's high time that we as audience, to send a clear cut message to the powers that be?...

After three fucking years of Battlestar Galactica, that's the best fucking title they could think of? WTF?...

What the fuck does it even mean? Besides the obvious, of how much of a fucking pussy Helo really is, that is...

Was there really anything redeemable about this episode whatsoever? It was even more of a waste of my time than Lost and Smallville were this week. And that's just fucking pathetic, especially for a series that supposedly earned itself another lucky set of 13 episodes for next season...

WTF does "The Woman King" even stand for here? Is Helo the woman, the king, or somehow both? Because he sure as hell didn't prove anything here, acting like a little teenage girl whenever it came to his fucking angst with Sharon, or his goddam little cries of wolf whenever it came to Dr. Mike Roberts...

I was hoping that Mr. ex-Senator from the X-men movie would provide some sort of acting talent on the series, but on Battlestar Galactica with this kind of shit writing, even he was a fish out of a fucking mutant waters. The whole episode, I do admit though, I was actually a bit intrigued by his character. I was seriously thinking the whole time, "Hmm, this guy sounds like a racist bigot who's actually euthanizing the people he hates... but no, that can't just be it. That would be too simple. I'm sure the writers are better than that. There's just gotta be something else..."...

I was honestly waiting breathless in anticipation for the sum of an hour, for just what the big fucking surprise would be in the end...

... I was actually expecting the writers to be intelligent, instead of just creating the most goddam cliche, predictable bullshit of an episode ever...

And then what turns out to be the big reveal in the end? Why, exactly what I had figured the moment that the first Sagittarian died. That the fucking doctor was euthanizing them for some fucking goddam racist bigot reason...

Yet he let goddam Dualla off the hook? Why, because she's black? WTF is this, some sort of reverse-racism? I mean seriously, I was actually rooting for him to fucking knock that bitch out for the count, and yet he lets me down now? WTF is this shit? Was this how the writers wanted to actually make me hate his fucking character? WTF?...

Goddammit, what kind of fucking payoff of an ending was this shit? With Helo somehow getting a medal of honour, even though in the deleted scene, he even admitted his goddam treachery to Admiral Adama that should've thrown him into the electric chair? How the fuck am I ever supposed to respect a series where a pussy like him somehow gets such a fine fucking ass like Grace Park's to shave and fuck on a goddam nightly basis? Yet even he's too much of a fucking wuss to fuck her hard every night, as evidenced by the fact that in The Woman King, he obviously enjoys aimlessly walking around at night in the gratuitous nude instead. WTF?...

There was only one fucking decent scene in the entire episode, and that was solely because Racetrack actually looked smokin' hot in civies as Connor or Ladon or whatever the fuck that Jarhead's name was in the background, rooted her on as she smoked the competition. Besides that though, what else did we fucking get in this episode but Lee trying to fucking out-pussy Helo, Tyrol being yet again the pointless drunken turd, Dualla somehow escaping goddam racist bigot destruction, Starbuck making teen angsty gasps once more, and a series of Clark Kent, "oh shit" looks from goddam Helo about not fitting in with the goddam cool, high school crowd? WTF?...

I was hoping that at least Admiral Adama would be able to save this episode, yet how long did the writers actually put him in for? Like, five lines of the script and nothing more? The preview had made it seem like The Woman King would be all about Adama being Laura Roslin's pimp daddy or some shit like that, as they had they way with each other over the trial of Gaius Baltar. Yet in the end, all this episode proved was that even the preview designers knew that the whole Helo plotline was shit, and that the only thing they could do to market the show was to show the only fucking sequence even relating to the president and Baltar's trial in the end. The only damn scene anyone would care about, that is. WTF?...

Colonel Tigh got to try to be the man with one eye open again, and at least Doc Cottle made an appearance. But neither character made an impression in the end, as Tigh has literally become just a hacked up, pirated, pale version of his former self before the occupation (as if New Caprica has already been completely forgotten), and Doc Cottle provided literally no comic relief for the first time in his entire tenure on the show. The only thing that I can applaud either of those two characters for is the fact that they both pimp-slapped Helo and put him in his place, if only for the short time being. But considering how much of a pussy-fucking-whipped asshole Agathon really is, it's not like we don't see him cowering in the corner in the Wince Carter fetus position on an episodic basis anyhew...

Seriously, WTF does The Woman King stand for? Is it talking about Sharon, who could fucking bitch slap me and make me her bitch any fucking day of the week? Yet thanks to the fact that Grace Park was mainly reducing to motherly duties the whole nine yards, even going so far as to grovel at Mike Novak Roberts' feet when it came to her plague-ridden child, I could barely stand the bitch whenever she opened her goddam mouth. WTF?...

Now sure, she was goddam fucking hot as hell whenever it came to that tight ass T-shirt she wore back in her quarters, and who the fuck can't feel the love as she was feeling up Number Six there for information? But even so, considering for the first time in ages, Helo was actually trying to fight back against being pussy-whipped by Sharon (though instead, he got pussy-whipped by the equivalent of his mom in the Sagittarian woman of a king bitch), I just didn't feel the love for Sharon tonight. Grace Park will always be my bitch, but not if she keeps fucking bitching like she was all fucking episode long like she was here. WTF?...

So let's cut the crap. BSG has been on a tear as of late, except it obviously hasn't been on a good one. I don't even remember the last fucking episode that I thought was decent on the show, save for perhaps Exodus, but that took place a hell of a long time ago...

Instead, we've been fed the equivalent of the red pill and the blue suicide pill when it comes to the lady on New Caprica with the red fucking dress...

But if there is any real glimmer of hope for the series? It's that A Day in the Life of Admiral Adama was not half bad in the end, although obviously that has far more to do with Edward James Olmos than any of the goddam writers on the series. Somehow, EJO put up with the horrible goddam writing of having a dead bitch of an ugly motherfucking wife screaming in his ear the whole episode through, and made this episode into something half bearable in the end...

It always helps when the Admiral goes on one of his pimping parades. It's just a weird feeling you get between him and President Roslin, at just how both mature and juvenile they can be at the same damn time when flirting with each other. Whether they were discussing the politics about Baltar's impending trial or exchanging wanton looks over New Caprican cabin fever, the two of them really make the only damn decent couple (or would-be couple) on the goddam series to date. Which is more than I can ever say about how the writers wrote Adama's late, ex-wife...

So, just to get things straight, we were supposed to end up hating that bitch, right? Lee made a point that she drank herself into submission, and obviously having her resurfaced memory constantly bitching and moaning and complaining at everyone's favourite Admiral Adama wasn't meant to put her in the most benevolent of spotlights. But I personally felt the writers went way over the top in just how much Bill was pushing and killing himself over this anniversary date of his, especially considering he said so himself that she and him were just so wrong for each other right from the start (even though that's one of the reasons why he keeps bringing her back every year). But there were definitely moments in there that hollowed me out just as much as it did his own soul, especially when he realized that if he had indeed made a mistake with his family all those years ago, then that would put into question every single decision he's made with his surrogate family on Galactica...

Edward James Olmos ruled the screen whenever and wherever he walked. Hell, I even felt a commanding performance and perhaps a hint of my own personal intimidation when he was roaming the halls of the Battlestar Galactica, scaring all those worthless piece of shit officers into the goddam fetal position. I just wish that the rest of the fucking cast would've just hidden themselves in their goddam Hussein holes to follow suit, as obviously all the goddam teen angst from the rest of the lot dragged this episode down to the depths of usual BSG goddam shittiness...

Why do we care about Tyrol and Cally? Cally has been such a fucking bitch throughout the series, always whining and complaining and giving her husband the hardest of times. She's done nothing of value or worth on the show except look cute in the first season as the engineering girl who had no purpose at the time on the show whatsoever, and now the actress is forced to keep calling out her own name of "Nicky", as if that is supposed to somehow be her peak prime of performing? As for Tyrol, I was cheering and hoping for the lug to just push his wife off into the depths of space as the airlock blew. I do admit though, that I did enjoy the whole rescue attempt when it came to the frozen hell of space, but one decent scene doesn't make up for all his pussy-whipped crap when it comes to putting up with goddam Cally all the time...

Starbuck was pretty much only in a single scene, but at least her character finally stayed true to her original form. Sure, all she did was basically twirl a pen and called it a day in the life of Kara Thrace, but at least she did it all in that old skool, sassy Starbuck style. If only we got this version of her character more often, maybe I wouldn't have to bitch and complain as much on this website as she does to Anders and Lee almost every fucking week? But for now, at least she's finally back to being what she always was, a goddam cock-tease until she fucking opens her mouth...

This episode was pretty much all about the Adama's, and it was nice to see the Admiral making some more amends with his son. Hell, I was just happy to get any sort of mention of both Zack and Lee's grandfather, the lawyer that's been pretty much forgotten since the first fucking season. Wasupwidat?...

Either way, even though the plotline doesn't really make sense, at least we're getting some sort of progression with Lee's character. So getting this straight, he's now going to be a lawyer at Baltar's trial, all because he once snuck into his grandpa's den to look at the covers of some goddam law books? Because wow, if that was always the case, can I be a fucking prosecutor then, making six figure salaries for sadly having watched a goddam episode or two of Ally fucking McBeal? Or really, can I be some hot pimping stud, considering I just looked at a goddam porn magazine a half hour ago? WTF?...

Still, Battlestar Galactica at its core and its finest has always been about the Adamas, and it was great to see the Admiral so damn proud of his once-fatass son. Now sure, I really don't see how Lee has "come into his own" over the past few months, except for slutting it up with both Kara and Dualla at the same time, but whatever. I guess that's all the pimping hand of Admiral Adama really cares about in the end...

Every fucking decent scene on the show these days has something to do with Edward James Olmos. Whether it's shaving his pornstache off while Colonel Tigh oddly stares at his ass, or making the school teacher of a president giggle and laugh like a goddam school girl, how the fuck can't I forgive Battlestar Galactica for ruining my goddam life for God knows how long, with how many fucking useless episodes this third goddam turd of a season?...

Because a day in the life of Battlestar Galactica? I truly expected it to be pretty much like a Day in the Life of IvanF...

... pointless... meaningless... and an absolute, goddam tragedy to all things good and holy of humanity...

And while obviously I ain't quite ready to hand over the Oscar to the goddam BSG writers just quite yet...

... and the sole remaining reason why BSG is still a part in the day of the life of IvanF..."

... ironically, by actually trying hard to write something that wasn't a fucking piece of shit, at least...

Now, by all standards, I thought I'd hate Dirty Hands pretty much as much as any recent fucking episode of Battlestar Galactica. And for a long time throughout the duration of the episode, my expectations pretty much came true...

I mean, yet another Chief Tyrol episode? WTF? Why the fuck are the writers frakkin' with our minds and putting us through his goddam shit time and time again? Not only that, but he had to drag Cally along with him on the shitfest ride. I honestly wanted to smack the living shit out of the goddam worthless, arrogant actress when she was parading about the class structure of the Colonials and crap like that...

And I honestly couldn't stand throughout the extent of the episode how all the Colonials seem to have completely forgotten what kind of asshole Gaius Baltar was when he was president...

I mean seriously, who the fuck do they think he is? Bill Clinton? Al Gore? WTF?...

But besides all those worthless ass scenes of Cally being a supremely dumbass bitch or of all those knuckle-draggers on the deck giving each other a hard time, I actually thought Dirty Hands had some redeeming moments, not just for the series but for the writers as well. I didn't give a damn about anything that happened on the fucking refinery ship, and hell, I was even balling out in laughter at the stupid farmboy getting his arm torn in half by the machine. I really couldn't give two shits about the issues on the goddam refinery ship, as I've never been a real fan of any union that actually goes past a work to rule slowdown. Pretty much the entire first two thirds of this episode were nothing more than derivative, predictable bullshit for the dumbass, clueless masses...

... but indeed, there were definitely moments where Dirty Hands managed to shine beneath the grime...

Take Gaius Baltar for instance. The writers have completely butchered his character over the past couple of seasons, but finally some of that old selfish, survival resourcefulness was bubbling and reaching for the surface once more. He probably did come from the farm planet he claimed he was born on, but obviously his presidency showed he wants nothing to do with the common person unless it comes to cigars, booze and women. But none of that matters anymore, as he pretty much smuggled out his own "Mein Kempf" or fucking "Inconvenient Truth", and became a star in the minds of all those morons out there who actually have already forgotten what a shitass kind of president he really was in office...

Finally, some of that old serpentry carpentry of his was back, and I couldn't help but smile a wily smirk at his character for the first time in goddam ages...

Now, I really didn't give a shit about anything to do with Tyrol, but I do admit that the episode was written in a passionate enough way for the topic of hand, that I actually enjoyed most of the pertinent conversations about the class structure of the world and shit like that. I mostly agree with President Roslin's point of view, that it's simply a fact of life that it's hard for a person born into one job skill and class to ascend to another. Anyone with low family income trying to get into a good university for a chance at a good job will attest to that. And I also do agree with Tyrol, that it'd be great to level the playing field a bit, to a certain degree that is...

But I don't particularly agree with doing all this kind of bullshit during the middle of a fucking war. Admiral Adama was a hardass, but he had it right in saying that a fucking strike or fucking civilian sabotage could take down the entire fucking human race in one fucking shot. I'm all for unions and crap like that after life has become less about survival and more about self actualization, but when the entire fucking human race depends on the oil you refine on a daily basis? Training programs is one thing, but do we really need people on Colonial One to soil their hands, just to make people in "lower classes" feel better about themselves? WTF is this bullshit? A crappy rich ass presidential election where kissing baby heads is suddenly seen as a working man thing? WTF?...

Like I mentioned before, the first two thirds of Dirty Hands was nothing more than predictable, communist bullshit, but how the fuck can I ever hold a grudge against an episode with a badass Admiral Adama like we got here near the end? If you noticed, Adama knew he had no real jurisdiction over the working strike on the refinery ship, nor did he really want to. But when it came to Tyrol and Cally causing a "mutiny" on his own ship? Well, call him Admiral Cain if you'd like, but he did what he had to do...

If you take the oath of military, you have to follow orders, in this life or the next. There is no allowance of morality or a gray zone or any shit like that. There is no fucking thing as a goddam strike. Call Adama a hypocrite if you'd like by letting Helo get away with his bullshit versus what the Admiral threatened Tyrol here with, but either way? The Admiral was The Man once again, and he made for one of the best damn scenes of this entire pathetic season, no doubt...

... the only thing I wish he had done, was actually put Cally against a bulkhead and airlock her into space... but whatever...

And I don't know, but even if the subject material of Dirty Hands was eye-rolling at best? The writers behind it still showed enough passion and pride in their craft to actually produce a scene at the end that had me smiling as much as that new nugget was. Starbuck hasn't really had many badass, crassy or DeGrassi moments to shine in the season, but I don't know, something about the way she was playing with her new toy pawn at the end had me smirking as much as I did at the end of Rise of the Phoenix of whatever that episode was called last season...

Because seriously, is that the only thing that a Tyrol episode ever brings to the fold these days? Hope at the end, thanks to the work of his goddam dirty hands?...

... pfft... I much would've preferred a Tyrol piece from the first season of the frakkin' show then, when at least we were always privied to a couple of gratuitous shots of Grace Park doing her dirty dancing thing, but I digress...

But in this third season of Battlestar Galactica, where so few episodes have actually reached the fucking upper echelon of goddam quality and class, while so many have been reduced to the goddam dredges of hobo horseshit down below?...

... well, at least it was nice to see an episode reach the middle class for once...

... even if the root material was nothing more than an eye-rolling, goddam inconvenient truth..."

What the fuck kind of mindfuck of a storm of goddam shit did I just witness? WTF?...

What the fuck were the writers smokin'? How in the blue fuck could they ever have thought that this shit would be a good idea in the fucking first place? WTF?...

Because you know what a good idea is? Having Grace Park parade around in the tightest ass mini-skirt and see-through blouse like she is in that Command and Conquer 3 demo I'm playing right now. Hell yeah, she can command and conquer my ass any fucking day of the week, but that's a story for another day...

But you know what a bad idea is? Maelstrom as a fucking episode, that's fucking what...

Seriously, I know that the writers wanted to get Katee Sackoff off of the goddam show for whatever goddam reason. They wanted to sack her role for whatever fucking goddam notion that they had, that much has been broadly known...

But this is how they chose to do it? In a complete mindfuck of an episode that rivals Lost in sheer goddam pointless stupidity? WTF?...

I mean, we all know Starbuck ain't really gone. The actress is no longer a regular on the show, but you just don't kill an important character like Kara Thrace in a fucking swirling storm of piss-shit nothingness unless she's going to return as some sort of goddess or badass Cylon later down the road or some shit like that. So really, there was no emotional payoff in the end because I couldn't give a flying fuck that she apparently "dies" in this fucking episode...

There was really only one decent scene in the entire whole of Maelstrom, and that was when she was confiding in Apollo about the wall of photos of everyone who had died, and where she wanted her own photo to go. The thing is, there was no real payoff to the sacking of goddam Sackoff in the end. The final scenes of the episode were just so plain goddam rushed, that we didn't even get to see Lee's own goddam personal reaction at seeing the love of her life go down in a blazing ball of useless fire...

Instead, we got a literal laugh out loud scene of Edward James Olmos adlibbing the fuck out of the model boat he was making, much to the chagrin of the producers who knew the damn thing actually costed a hundred thousand bucks to rent. Whoops, but whatever...

Now sure, I can try and appreciate what the writers tried to offer us here in Maelstrom. There were a lot of little touches here and there that might've turned the fortunes of this episode around if only I was in a more nostalgic mood. Little moments like when Starbuck was talking to the Admiral one last time about hearing 'nothing but the rain', or her little conversation with Lee about how some things just never change between the both of them, could've actually felt worthwhile and worth a goddam watch if I didn't feel the episode was on the fucking clock the whole fucking time. As much meaning as those scenes tried to have, it just felt empty in an episode where everything felt rushed and there was absolutely no real sense of closure what-so-goddam-ever...

The writers tried to throw as much into the fold and fire as they could, whether it was a goddam sex moment with fucking Anders yet again (... uggh...) or a return to the fucking horny lesbian event (I wish...) between Starbuck and the Sharon Cylon that saved her on Old Caprica. In essence, Kara did get to say goodbye to everyone who did matter in her life, whether it was Tyrol or President Roslin or even goddam Helo of all shitfaced assholes. The thing is though, she never really said goodbye. There was no real sense of closure, except perhaps with Lee for a few fleeting moments. For the most part, all this episode consisted of was Kara Thrace on fucking suped up mushrooms, flying into a goddam swirling cloud of goddam shitass writing for really no fucking apparent reason whatsoever. WTF?...

Okay, so we also got lots and lots of fucking sex scenes between her and Leoban, or whoever the fuck was representing Leoban in her mind. Umm, is that supposed to be good? WTF?...

And okay, sadly, I wound up wasting away this episode with the image in my mind of Starbuck fucking her own mother up the ass with that goddam cigarette and riding that cancer of hers to goddam ecstasy. And what, is that supposed to be so wrong?...

We've had hints of a cruel and bitter childhood from Thrace before, but really, did any of us really deserve to have all that family shit heaved onto us out of almost goddam nowhere here in Maelstrom? Was any of it actually interesting to anyone out there? WTF?...

How in the blue swirling fuck did the writers ever conjure up the idea that having Leoban act as the Ghost of Christmas Past for fucking Kara in her own habitual nightmare could ever be considered as goddam entertainment? It was all cliche, teen angst, emo-bullshit and nothing more, with Leoban playing the role of her father and her mother playing the role of her goddam bitch. How the fuck did the writers ever think that this would be a decent send-off for the actress, unless this kind of mindfuck of a shit on the brain is exactly how they wanted to screw over her career in the end anyhew? WTF?...

I've compared Maelstrom to an episode of Lost before and I'll do it again. We all know that Starbuck will be back in some form or another in a later episode, so why the fuck would any of us here and now shed a tear? I'd open my eyes if she shed a bra, but that's about fucking it...

Even if she never does return to the series for whatever goddam reason why the writers kicked her off the show, this episode ruined whatever kind sentiments I had towards the character. So many pointless fucking questions were raised here in Maelstrom, none of which even remotely answered any of the existing questions that the fucking earlier parts of the season manifested over the goddam noggin' of the same damn fucking character...

... but even that shitty ass show has at least some goddam Evangeline titty ass action...

So where's my fucking Grace Park in a tight ass mini-skirt and see-through blouse?...

Seriously, what the fuck is a Maelstrom? Because that's exactly what we got here...

Maybe I just read the label wrong here, but is that supposed to be real title to this episode? WTF?...

Kara Thrace had just died, and Edward James Olmos provided yet another startling emotional scene when going through Starbuck's old military record. The birthday card or whatever he was holding in his hand was especially a nice touch, and even got a slight chuckle of a solemn sigh out of me...

And yet the whole of this episode focused on bloody hell Lee Adama instead, not really pining and whining over his long lost love (though there was plenty enough of that), but rather in a teen angst fit over besting his father in the court of law? WTF?...

Let's get things straight here. Lee Adama has been CAG of the Galactica for how long now, besides being the big shot, fatass commander of the goddam Pegasus? He's had countless months and years to mull things through now since forgiving his father for his mother's divorce and the death of his brother, and yet now he decides to go on a teen angst rampage against his only remaining family member in the known goddam universe?...

Because I don't get it. I just don't get it. Why were the final moments about this episode about Lee trying to step out of his father's shadow, when the fucking married man has seemed perfectly content with the status quo for how long now? Did the death of Kara suddenly make him revert back to season one fucking Lee all over again? And why exactly would that happen? WTF?...

Lee Adama was an embarrassment this episode, but at least the writers realized this and gave him a nice sidekick that stole the spotlight. Lampkin's character seemed forced at first, with the whole cat thing and being an evil bastard lawyer who was only looking for fame and fortune. But the scene that he shared with Adama later on, about what he had stolen from each person and what it told about each of their personalities, was actually very well written and one of the best BSG has done in a very long time. If only the whole episode had that kind of respect for the fucking characters on the goddam series, then maybe A Son Also Rises wouldn't have fallen down to the depths of hell...

Because absolutely no actual BSG character whatsoever in the fucking storyline was given any credit or credibility in this episode. The most that anyone got was (thankfully) more graceful shots of Racetrack now that Starbuck has finally been kicked off the airtime, and more goddam gratuitous shots of Anders trying to prove that he ain't a Cylon or some shit like that. Where the fuck was anyone else, whether it was Tigh or Tyrol or Roslin or anyone who's supposed to matter to the plotline? I wish I could say we at least got some naked Grace Park action, or at least a plotline where Athena finally ditches Helo to hook up with frakkin' Racetrack. But fuck, the writers won't hire me for the goddam show, so what can you fucking do?...

Oh sure, at least we got a bitch fest between the ever useless Cally and the ever more clothed Sharon Valeri. And at least Helo was kept to a goddam minimum of screen time, lest I puke my guts out at the whine and cheese. Oh yeah, all great things. I was so impressed...

On the plus side though, I thought that Number Six had her first decent moment in Gods know how frakkin' long. And like I said, at least Admiral Adama got a few decent licks and kicks and scenes in, as he even was man enough to let Lee Adama go his own way by the end of the episode. But all these few, trinket things just didn't make up for the fact that the only real character done justice in the whole of the episode, was the goddam fucking new guest star of Lampkin for crying out loud...

Hell, even the villain of the story was completely defunct and pointless here in A Son Also Rises. I mean seriously, Kelly returns out of the blue for no apparent reason whatsoever, and yet somehow we're not supposed to suspect that he's the mad bomber, freak of the week?...

I mean sure, the episode may have the completely bizarro name of "A Son Also Rises"...

... but honestly?... this episode really has nowhere to go but drag the series down...

The last two seasons of the show have completely sucked as a whole, in my honest opinion at least. Now sure, season two had Pegasus to go by, and season three has had at least Exodus (Part 2) to save it from the wrath of complete mediocrity. But two lone decent episodes out of two fucking whole seasons is just not worth keeping a series around for on television, and the SciFi channel is learning that the hard way...

With the move of BSG to the fall timeslot (which was a completely dumbass decision in the first place, might I add), one fact has been proven without a shadow of a doubt. That simply put, Battlestar Galactica is not as popular as its rabid hippie fanbase would like you to believe...

... or not outside of the world of my cousin "Bit" (last name "Torrent") from the Yukon, at least...

And as a result? I can't blame the SciFi channel for nearly pulling the plug on Battlestar Galactica as a series. In fact, I'm actually content that the BSG has been reduced from a 20 episode season back down to its original 13, considering I'd only consider the first season of the show to be a success (though that's only because the mini-series, the season finale that first year, and especially Hand of God were notable, as the rest of the episodes were pure goddam shit on a stick). The writers have not proven worth a damn that they can extend their story arcs to twenty something episodes a season, especially when stretched to now four seasons of the frakkin' show. And truth be told, it seems they really have only one more year to prove that they've finally learned their lessons...

An important crossroads for the series, yes. Though it doesn't really help that I felt at times that Crossroads (Part 1) as a season finale of an episode, had all the same goddam teen angst as I got from Crossroads as a goddam Britney Spears of a movie...

Let's face facts here, it's just making no fucking sense why Lee is going all out in his family feud with his father. Didn't they bury the hatchet long ago back in the first season? Is this the writers' plan, to try to reclaim some of their past and lost glory when the series was new and fresh, by actually reverting back to all the character arcs of old? Are they truly that damn incapable of thinking up anything original these days? WTF?...

Either way though, as well as the acting in the scene was by Edward James Olmos, it just felt so out of place and so out of logical sense for Apollo to give up his badge and wings to the Admiral, just because he was pissed at his father's claims of having no honour. I mean seriously, doesn't Lee know that he really does have no honour in court by using his tactics to discredit the witness rather than what the witness said? I'm not saying that his tactics weren't valid or anything, or that they shouldn't be used in a court case such as this. But if I was his father, you're damn right I'd be ashamed of the cheapass defence that Lee was pulling as a stunt in court. It may be all legal, but it doesn't mean it's honourable...

To be honest? If I was the presiding over the court, I'd actually walk into that room thinking that Baltar should become a free man. I mean, we all know that he was a real pussy when it came to the Cylons, and even signed his name when it came to death warrants and torture camps (which even if he was under duress, counts as collaboration). But the thing is, we've seen first hand that while obviously he didn't quite play the hero of the ever-proverbial president for the people, it's not like he was the one who willingly had everyone else killed and slaughtered himself. He didn't do anything to help the people that elected him, but he didn't actually do anything to harm them either...

He may have spent all his time frakkin' with Number Six and boning D'anna, but nothing there was actually criminal according to the court of law. I don't see what he did there that was so evil that the 38000 others around him did better. I don't see what he really did wrong there, except play self defence and keep himself alive as always...

He had no honour and absolutely no backbone, but nothing he did was really unexpected considering the circumstances he was put in. There was absolutely no way that he could've fought the Cylons after they first arrived, otherwise the entire human race would've been nuked from high orbit. Surrender was the only option, and I think even Admiral Adama knew that...

And why isn't the fault on the remainder of the human race for the surrender of the colonies? Wasn't it the people who elected Gaius Baltar simply because they actually wanted to settle on New Caprica, despite the Admiral's protestations? Baltar was a wily, self-interested bastard for playing on the dreams of the public like a fiddle, but technically all he did was play the politician and gave the people what they wanted. The people wanted to settle on New Caprica, and ultimately the people are the ones to blame for the mistakes that were made...

To be honest, the trial of Gaius Baltar was really the only truly stimulating and thoughtful character arc that the writers have put forth this season. Sure, it took until this point of goddam useless manifesto writings on the walls and endless prophetic bullshit like that to get us here, but now that the writers have finally made it to the trial, at least finally some of that good ol' fashioned BSG controversy was back in full force. Baltar definitely could've done more to protect his people, like moved the colonies away from New Caprica after the nuclear destruction of Cloud 9 last season. But for all intents and intensive purposes, he was a useless president who probably will end up more popular in the end than Bill fucking Clinton...

... if that hot Jake 2.0 doctor of a media bitch who asked for his blessing has anything to say about it at least...

Now Crossroads definitely had problems and issues. The fact that we were graced with the pleasure of that one-off replacement of a doctor from SG-1 yet barely blessed with any hot ass action from Grace fucking Park was one thing, and obviously I for one was not the type to stand the goddam, shitty ass music coming from the walls. I won't even comment on that fucking shit-ass plotline until next fucking week with the season finale, although I do think that any damn person with their two eyes open will know where the writers will go from here...

If only they had given us some hot Grace Park on Tori ass action, then all will be forgiven. But somehow, I doubt we'd even get that in the shitty ass, Scrooge McFuck of a finale. So whatever...

I will give the writers credit where credit is due there. Now sure, most of the court room scenes had me rolling my eyes at just how juvenile it all was acted and preached, and I won't even bother commenting again on just how pathetically teen angsty and emo Lee was whenever he stepped out of the court room. But that one scene where he was questioning Madame President, about her past cancer and her previous use of Kamala? That scene and that scene only was done to near perfection, not just because Jamie Bamber was acting all nervous as hell on purpose and actually seemed in control while doing so, but also because being on that stand was Laura Roslin's finest moment of the entire season as well...

I loved the sense of dread I got when she begged the prosecution there to not ask her the goddam question she knew was coming. And I almost felt bad for Lee while it was all happening, as he was literally selling his soul just to win a case to stick one to his father (... again, WTF and wasupwidat?). But teen fucking emo angst aside, I really loved the strength and conviction in everyone's performances and retaliations in that scene, whether it was Admiral Adama trying to protect his mistress, Lee trying to go all out with being the anti-daddy's boy, or Laura Roslin in just how fucking pissed off yet lady-like she handled herself when trying to convince Apollo to ask her why she was using Kamala all over again...

Of course, whatever points I gave the writers for a job well done there were quickly stricken from the record by the fact that they cowered, panicked and reverted back to their season one cancer arc for the president. Don't they have a fucking original bone in their bodies, WTF? But whatever, so what if they can't think of a goddam original idea to save their fucking jobs? Their fourth season will be their last, and I for one will be damn well proud of them if they can just finish the job they meant to start in the first fucking season of the show...

I just get this general impression from watching and reviewing the past two seasons of the show, that Ron Moore and his crew simply had no fucking clue what to do with the series after the one season mark. After doing Star Trek for so damn long, he knew had some sort of message to write and convey to the people. It's just that, besides his goddam teen angsty, hippie of a message in a bottle, he had nothing else to say, and quickly realized that he had already said it all in five fucking minutes flat in the goddam mini-series...

Since then, the series has been running on fumes, with the odd actual commentary on the human condition here and there. If the fourth season of the show does indeed turn out to be its last, then at least Ron Moore will finally be able to finish and put to a close what I'm sure he actually intended to complete way back in the first season of his show...

Because the series really is indeed at a crossroads. For two fucking seasons, it has been nothing better than fucking Crossroads as a fucking Britney Spears of a movie, with the same goddam political resonance as Mandy fucking Moore...

... but episodes like Hand of God, Pegasus and Exodus (Part 2) kept giving me hope, just a slither of hope, that the series can still be so much more...

And even if it was only for one fucking, fleeting moment of a scene? Lee interrogating Laura Roslin in front of the entire remainder of the colonies, gave me hope as well that maybe, just maybe the fourth season of the show can get the series back on the right fucking track for once...

I don't fucking care if the show gets canceled after that. Just give me one fucking season at least, where after it's all said and done?...

Though no, I'm not talking about Crossroads (Part 2) as a goddam, frakkin' episode...

... but rather about the insane fact that apparently, Battlestar Galactica was just re-renewed for 22 fucking episodes next season...

I mean seriously, what the fuck? What the frak, and what the goddam fuck? WTF?...

The eternal optimist in me may try to grin at the possibility that SciFi is simply trying to load up on BSG episodes while they can, so that they can finally put the series to rest and cancel that goddam motherfucker while pulling off their BSG 4.0 and 4.5, overpriced boxset bullshit all over again. Though at least finally, then I'd know that Battlestar Galactica will have been finally put out of its misery, after episodes like Crossroads (Part 2) that literally made no fucking sense in any sense of the word whatsoever...

Well, alright. So maybe taken into the proper context, there was nothing in Crossroads (Part 2) that was actually that far out from left field. I mean, who here actually did think that Kara had died in Maelstrom in the most meaningless of deaths? Sure, those fake facts reported on the net about the actress being pissed as hell about her role on the series might've looked serious if only Katee Sackoff had anything better to do with her career. And it's been almost obvious all season long that either she was a frakkin' Cylon, or that she was some sort of god character that Ron Moore and his fucking love for Q (the TNG variety, that is) seems to goddam obsess over and adore...

I suppose that the Kara thing made sense in a goddam predictable and eye-rolling way, if you're into goddam mythology and shit like that. But what completely didn't make any fucking sense to me, was the fact that the "switch" that made Tigh, Anders, Tori and Tyrol all finally realize that they were Cylons, was the goddam Jimi Hendrix song of "All Along the Watchtower". I mean seriously, what the fuck was that? Cylon Christian Rock from way back on earth? WTF?...

First of all, having Tigh as a Cylon makes no fucking logical sense in the traditional line of thinking. He fought alongside the Colonials during the first fucking Cylon war, long before the human-like Cylons were ever first made. Second, it just cheapens the whole effect of the occupation, knowing that the two leaders of Anders and Tyrol were actually fucking Cylons all along and didn't know it. Third, how the fuck did Tyrol ever get a baby with fucking Cally of all evil bitches, unless apparently Cylons that become union leaders automatically get the gift of life as a benefit as well? What's even dumber, is that apparently Tyrol was having Cylon on Cylon action back in the first season with Boomer, yet the writers refuse to give us the same damn benefit with Tori and Grace Park to this very damn day. What the frak is up with that?...

I would even go so far and claim that it's all a trick, that the four were manipulated into thinking they were Cylons, if only Ron Moore hadn't already claimed that all four of them really were. So with All Along the Watchtower, the only real explanation for any of this bullshit comes from the far left outfield of goddam homerism, Odyssey and Iliad, religious crap. That is, it all happened long ago, and it's all happening yet again, if you get my fucking goddam drift...

If you start looking outside of the box at the concepts of Kara potentially being a god-like figure, of all the prophetic bullshit that the Six in Baltar's head and the Baltar in Six's head keep on spewing out, and at all the goddam hallucinations that the goddam Madame President seems to keep having? Then it becomes sadly obvious that Ron Moore is trying to shock us all with some sort of goddam eye-rolling revelation when it's all said and done. Or at least, something that would be revelatory, if only it hadn't been done in God knows how many fifty-cent, two-bit, cheapass novels over the past hundred years or so...

Whether the final answer will be that apparently humans from earth actually invented the Cylons and the Colonials are all actually a form of Cylon themselves, or that it's the Cylons from the fleet who end up founding and evolving earth as we know it today, does it really matter? It's all so fucking hokey and goddam bullshit, SciFi cliche that I honestly can't believe that this same kind of crap is coming from the same damn series that supposedly prides itself on real life situations and modern-day moral dilemmas. WTF?...

And once again, I ask again, "All Along the Watchtower"? WTF is this shit? Was Jimi Hendrix a Cylon all along? WTF?...

... oh, please tell me there's some kind of way out of here, out of this joke of a series...

Now, at least I tried to take solace and a bit of reprieve from the trial of Gaius Baltar, as really, I do have to tip my hat off to the writers for instilling some form of common sense into Lee Adama's big ass speech. Because he was completely right, that while Baltar was indeed a coward and a collaborator (and possibly a traitor), he only really did so to preserve his own life. He would've died long ago if he had stood up to the Cylons, but since he never did, the mob wanted him dead here and now. Which completely contradicted the general pardon to all collaborators that Laura Roslin had given out months ago, yet here she was, the one who wanted Baltar's head on a silver platter the most out of all. Admiral Adama probably summed it up best when it was all said and done, that innocent is not the same as "not guilty", as the verdict for Gaius Baltar was actually right when it all comes down to the state of the Colonial race as we know it...

But oh dear God, did the writers have to give Jamie Bamber the most whiny of obnoxious of teen angsty lines? First of all, a note to the creators of the show: DO NOT ever repeat fucking lines on screen, like "what we did to ourselves... what we did to ourselves". That kind of bullshit works on paper, works even in writing when it comes to novels, but just sounds so unnatural when said out loud except from the best of fucking actors. And how the fuck did the judges allow Lee to preach out his entire damn lecture to the people for God knows how many endless minutes? The prosecution was right, that it simply was not fair to outline your entire goddam moral high ground bullshit in the court room on the witness stand like that. You wait until the closing remarks where you actually have a fucking goddam time limit, that's fucking what. WTF?...

I liked what Lee Adama had to say about the whole damn frakked up situation. I just couldn't stand how he said it, and what little the writers had to actually give the man to work with, besides the usual goddam teen angst bullshit crap against his father. And what was even dumber, was that after it was all said and done in a goddam attorney suit, he suddenly decides to suit up again and pilot Viper 3 after pushing a giant goddam reset button yet again for his character? What, were there honestly no damn repercussions for the kind of crap he pulled with his father before? So just like that, he's forgiven once more? WTF?...

There were definitely some decent scenes littered and scattered throughout the whole of the episode. I actually smirked at Felix purging the courtroom with his own sense of Puritanical justice, I thought that Laura Roslin and Admiral Adama had a touching (but heart-breaking) scene with one another when it was discovered that the latter had been the swing vote in the courtroom, and I really was damn turned on by Tori there as she was being seduced by Anders of all fucking losers. My fucking God, if only Grace Park had that kind of acting skills at looking horny and helpless for sex as hell, I'd be in my bunk rather than writing this goddam noname review of mine right fucking now...

But there were just so many other moments that were just so damn mindfrakking dumbass, and not in a goddam fucking creative way, that the episode couldn't help but be ruined as much as the goddam Opera House was back on Kobol. The dream sequences with Athena and the president led absolutely nowhere, and neither did any of the speeches that Lampkin gave to Number Six just a few episodes before about love and Gaius Baltar. Sure, I assume that the Baltar in Six's head will play some sort of important role next season, but as it stands right now? It's just a loose fucking thread that led nowhere except to some more bullshit theories how Hera (and maybe she'll have a husband some day called Zeus) might end up restarting the goddam human race on earth or some cliche crap like that...

Basically, I liked much of the execution in Crossroads (Part 2), but I completely couldn't stand the direction that I personally am seeing the plot and storyline of the series lean towards. From the grim reality and memories of suicide bombers in goddam Exodus, to now Kara fucking Thrace showing up out of nowhere with the Viper we fucking saw blow to pieces in Maelstrom? The series has truly jumped the ever proverbial shark into goddam la-la fantasy land, and that's saying a hell of a lot when talking about science fucking fiction...

... but rather how Ron Moore, after just three fucking seasons of the show, could've already lost his goddam frakkin' mind...

Fuck, he didn't even give us more than five fucking seconds of Grace fucking Park. Why couldn't he have given us the same damn scene of Tori being seduced by the scent of the neck, but with sexed up Sharons there rather than goddam Anders of all fucking assholes? Why the fuck couldn't that have been our goddam cliffhanger, instead of just some noname, worthless shot of earth to the sound of goddam Cylon rock music? WTF?...

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