IvanF's Uninformed Reviews of the Seventh Season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (2002-2003)...

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- IvanF's Archived, Cut & Paste, No-Name Reviews of the Seventh (and final) Season of
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (2002-2003) -
(The return of Andrew, the introduction of Principal Wood, the Potential Slayers, a Party of Five in Xander's Eye Socket, Series Finale)

If you read many of the mini-reviews that I've written below over the year, you'd know that I've never been much a fan of the internet... or at least, the people on them... And if you've been to the Buffy forums, you'd know that there's a huge consensus still going around that the seventh season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was possibly the worst of them all... Now, I won't try to contend with their arguments, considering I have no real arguments of my own. But still, as it stands right now, I personally did adore the seventh and final season of Buffy, more than most episodes that I can remember from the second, fifth, and sixth (though yes, I was a fan of the third and fourth seasons... and for the latter, you can call me insane...).

I think my mini reviews will speak for themselves if anybody on the net ever bothers to read them. But rest assured that I do note a lot of positives in the season, like the early insane rantings of a reensouled Spike, the references back to Once More with Feeling thanks to Anya in Selfless, the heat I personally felt whenever I saw Buffy flirting in Him, the wonders of writing when it came to Holden in Conversations with Dead People, and the list goes on... of course, there were a lot of negatives in the season as well, considering the First Evil did nothing outside of First Date, considering nothing was ever answered or settled with the threats made in Conversations with Dead People, considering Anya got nothing to do outside of Selfless, and considering the Potential Slayers did take a lot of time away from Xander and Dawn (although both haven't really gotten much footage since the fifth season anyhew).

The net hated the new characters for the season, but I personally thought they added a nice mix in the end. Wood provided a good story in Lies my Mother Told Me, Kennedy started warming up after The Killer in Me, Vi has somehow become everyone's favourite after turning into a warrior princess, and everybody loves Faith (except those who have hang-ups against her newfound "yo", but I digress...). But I will also admit that certain characters were underused because of all the above entering the fray... I was hoping that Giles would turn out evil, but in the end, he just ended up unnecessarily evil and omnimous for no apparent reason whatsoever, except that he's British. I already mentioned Xander, where the only action he really got was sex with Anya and an eye for an eye... I also thought Caleb was underused, considering he was only in the final episodes of the season. Being Catholic, I personally enjoyed his biblical ramblings. Too bad they sort of stopped by the time the Scythe just conveniently showed up on the scene...

But while I myself, just like everyone else, have complaints about the season, there is really one thing that made it one of favourites... I've always loved Buffy, and I've always loved Spike, and even though I'm a guy that claims relationships are meaningless on television, I'd also be lying if I said I didn't feel a passion for the two being together... And although I thought their rekindled relationship felt rushed near the end, I would also be lying if I said I didn't get giddy at the prospect of the two holding hands and souls together... There was definitely a chemistry between the two this season, starting with a stunning scene in Beneath You, leveling with a lovely look in Showtime, and finishing with the biggest bang in the history of the Buffyverse... all thanks to a bloody hell, I love you, and a Buffy buttocks for a bollix, but I digress...

Season seven wasn't the best of times, and it wasn't the blurst of times. But like I've stated a dozen times already, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel saddened by the time the final credits rolled... Without season seven, there would have been no Lessons, that Conversations with Dead People can reveal all the Lies that my Mother Told Me... Without season seven, there would've been only Potential and really no Help, to Bring On the Night when it comes to Buffy being in the Same Time, Same Place, cuddling in bed with her soulmate of a Sleeper... Without season seven, it truly would've been the End of Days, as there would have been no Storyteller to simply teach us the fact, that Him... that it... that thing... that one... the one Beneath You... It's what you wanted, right? It's what you wanted, right?... Angel should've warned me... for what must a man do, to be hers?...

But either way... whether season seven is truly worthy of praise or not is not my concern. All I do care about, is that I'm glad we got this final season. I'm glad that the final arcs were made and laid to rest... and I'm sad to see it go. That's all that matters to me in the end, to make up my mind... That I'm definitely going to miss Buffy. There's no argument against that...

Y2kk Update (May 19th, 2005): Okay, I officially and completely take back every single positive thing I've said about the seventh and final season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer...

While even season five is starting to grow on me (as sappy as that goddam season was), season seven just keeps getting worse and worse in my mind as the years go by...

I had given it the benefit it of the doubt for the longest time, because I had this inept theory that every dangling thread in the series would lead to some grand conclusion in the series finale... And when that didn't happen? I still expected some sort of revelation in the fifth season of Angel, only for things to make even less sense when Spike finally got there through the amulet...

What the hell was the First Evil trying to do? Why would it become corporal if it killed enough people?... Why on earth did Buffy's return from the grave cause this to happen? Why the hell didn't the FE just kill Buffy if she was such a threat?... Why the hell did it wait so long to try to kill Faith? Why the hell would it kill Faith, considering it'll bring forth a new slayer?... Why kill Jonathan to open the seal when any damn blood will do, even a vampire's? Why the hell was Spike important with that crappy amulet Angel gave him?... Why the hell was the Scythe just conveniently there? Why the hell would closing one hellmouth stop the First Evil?... And why the hell was Buffy such a bitch of a leader, when the bread and butter of the series has always been her, as the innocent girl alone in a world of demons?...

The seventh season just made no damn sense. It makes less and less sense as the years go by...

It was quite possibly one of the worst seasons of television I have ever experienced in my entire life...

Yes, it was even worse than Star Trek Voyager. I didn't think that was possible, but somehow I know in my heart that it's right...

Sure, I enjoyed the sight of all the potential girls, Vi especially included... I thought that there was some good comedy, especially with Andrew and Spike in the mix... I thought that Buffy and Spike had some chemistry (though that unfortunately faded all away once I got to see Spike in Angel...)... I gave the season so many chances to redeem itself with Chosen, only for that series finale to be absolutely the worst I've ever experienced next to Voyager's Endgame...

... though still, I definitely did enjoy all those rants I wrote, bashing all the haters of Buffy season seven back then of years past...

Notable Episodes: Beneath You, Selfless, Him, Bring on the Night, Showtime, Storyteller, Lies my Mother Told Me, Chosen
Best Episode of the Season: Conversations with Dead People

"And what do you know? Just when I thought life couldn't get luckier, I turned on the tele last night and what did I find, but the season premiere of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Now, short story short, I found this episode to be both a welcome change of pace, and a dreaded return to the past. I won't write it here, but something happened yesterday that truly reminds me of the drudgery and the depression I endured through my high school corporeal existence. I suffered a lot of collateral damage back then, and my pent up, mummified angst definitely wasn't helped out by the return of Sunnydale High. Simply put, that school looks friggin' huge and amazing, and a hell of a lot more expensive to build than even my university. The thing was, well... those camera angles in the hallways... that eerie sensation I got when Dawn was introducing herself to the rest of the class... It all made me completely concur with Buffy, that Dawn should be expelled from high school for her own good, simply because that place definitely was giving me the creeps, talisman or no talisman (although there's always a talisman... nevermind...). The school itself may not remind me of my own high school that much, but just seeing those familiar walls and "matured girls" from long past Buffy episodes just reminded me too damn much of my old nemesis-ees and my old crushes, who loved Buffy when it was "Becoming" the biggest sensation on the block... but anyhew, I digress...

Because what do you know, Josh Whedon truly did bring back the wonders of his world by bringing back a lot of the good aspects of old school Buffy. I actually did snicker in delight at the sound of the vampire who couldn't help but get stuck on a root... I thought the Anya scene where she does girl talk with Halfrek was rather innocently done, and even Willow's scene at Anthony Stewart's house or whatnot was rather tranquil and pleasant to the naked eye (although the Paraguay flower was done absolutely horridly in cgi). And to be honest, my favourite part of the episode was the very end, where the new Big Bad of the show showed its true power when not only did it shapeshift into all the big bads of previous seasons (thus highlighting that it has power over them), but it also conjured their true to life personalities as well. Although I thought it was pointless for Warren to be mimicked (since he really did nothing but kill Tara, bully around Jonathan and the other guy, and get his balls of steel crushed by Buffy), I did love his "sugar and spice" and "unless you're baking" line. I was never very fond of Glory, and her lines didn't make me feel otherwise, but I smiled in delight at the short stinted return of Adam, and the return of such godly, nerd phrases as "within parameters" and "number 17"... sniff sniff, those were the glory days of Adam, no pun intended... And who can forget the Mayor, possibly the best villain ever told? Even his one and only personality came back without a hitch, and he almost convinced me with his hysterical laughter that maybe I too should sell my greasly soul... Druscilla's still around, so I won't comment there, but even though I missed out on the first season of Buffy, I must admit that the Master Vampire worked wonders in his return sequence. Because the theme of this season is "back to the beginning", and the theme of my life has been that it's not about "right or wrong"; it's about "power"... and, well, the meshing of nostalgia with a philosophy I still believe is true to this day somehow made my bones quiver in joy... almost as much as seeing T'Pol in silk pyjamas, and seeing Buffy in a tight white shirt again with flockful "mom" hair, but I digress..."

"And oh, what a tangled web the love for love weaves, because I procrastinated from studying quite a bit this week by checking up on the Buffy the Vampire forums, wondering if the "Grrrl Power" freaks on the net have changed over the course of the summer. And nope, no siree. Those domineering, pioneering women are still revving strong and free, with the oh so masculine trait of forever refusing to ever change. Because no matter how many times Joss Whedon makes fun of them, no matter how much Marti Noxon or whoever tries to calm them down, the posters on these forums just never change. I just couldn't believe my eyes and Vulcan ears upon seeing all those damn debates on the net, whether Spike deserves to be loved or not because he got his soul back. And honestly, if these posters are the women that men marry, do I honestly want to get married? Because despite the fact that a) Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a fictional show, b) Spike got his soul back, c) Spike was feeling so damn guilty for raping Buffy that he risked getting a soul, d) Spike is a really funny guy, and e) it's a damn fictional show, the freaks on the net still refuse to take him back. They claim his love is impure, that doing the right thing out of guilt doesn't deserve any sort of love or loving back. They argue that redemption is not the same as atonement, whatever the hell that means, that it's wrong for him to do the right thing in hope of winning love, and that without true redemption, one can never be loved. They claim love must be selfless, that one can only love without the desire to be loved back, and the list goes on, blah blah blah, of how Buffy should never take Spike back merely because he's being tortured with a soul. And first of all, maybe it's just because I'm a guy, but all these femme fatales on the net are driving me bananas, simply because they seem to be forgetting one major thing: they all ignore whether Buffy actually loves Spike or not. Instead, they just cleverely clang and clamour how if Spike doesn't a) grovel at the Scobbies' feet, b) save the world a dozen times, c) spend a century in utter spark burning guilt, and d) I don't know what, but they would probably list something cruel to animals here, then he doesn't deserve to be loved, and should go as far as to being shoved off the show. They completely ignore whether love actually exists between Buffy and Spike, and instead argue whether any love should exist or not, by their Stalinist rules and their rules alone... and, um... Honestly, if these freaks on the net and the girl on the train are any indication, do you girls even have any idea what love actually is, or is simply the love of pining over love really the only love that you'll ever want to know? It seems you prefer dreaming over actually finding an decent answer, and if that's true, that'll explain a lot of the guy frustrations out there right about now...

Short story short, I feel for Spike. Because no matter how sorry I felt about my actions in high school, the girls there simply didn't give a damn. They just ignored me, probably thought in their heads that I wasn't worthy of love or forgiveness, and then just buried me six feet deep with their endless banter and rhetoric of how we guys are such simple minded creatures... But anyhew, I have to give real credit to James Marsters for putting up a hell of a performance in Beneath You. I must admit that the final scene was one of the best in a long time, although it was almost ruined by a few cheese-flamboiled jolts. Lines such as, "No more mind games. No more mind", and "have you completely lost your mind?" were so damn simple, that it reminded me of the crap I wrote back in Grade eight or nine... And hey! That rhymes? Get it? No? Okay, um, nevermind... Anyhew, the whole scene was saved by three major points. First of all, I chuckled from the comic relief of, "Well, yeah. Where have you been all night?" I personally found the line, "Angel should've warned me", very profound, if only because that was the exact moment Buffy's face changed from callousness to pure horror. And although I was cracking up as Spike was citing bloody bad, railroad poetry on that crippler of a crossface (and yeah, I know, girls everywhere were actually crying over this scene), the utter cheesiness of the scene was all remarkably reduced by the sheer brilliance of the dark, monochromatic lighting in the Church. And I guess I should also mention the effectiveness of the Gladiator type music in the background, which reminded me a hell of a lot of the movie... um... Gladiator... nevermind...

As for the rest of the episode, nothing much happened, but I will comment that the show had a great overall flow. From Spike's new costume of clothing, to Dawn's comment about waking up on fire, every line seemed to sync wonderfully together. I didn't exactly fancy Nancy, and Anya didn't do much except morph her face (although the upcoming episode of her bunnyesque origins should prove rather intriguing), but the rest of the cast did excellent jobs. Xander's always been cool when acting as the Zeppo, chauffering people around and telling Spike to shut up. Dawn got some good lines off in the car, about school and how Buffy shall not talk to her friends or whatever. And Buffy was truly a highlight in the show, not only because I personally love the return of endearing, cute, "Joan" Buffy (as evident from her detention remark), but because she's still got all that angst in her, and love for my man, Spike. And anyone who says Spike isn't deserving of love has probably lost their minds (No more mind games, no more mind, to steal a piss poor quote...). Or at least, they've lost the meaning of love by searching for it all their lives. In the endless pursuit of happiness, it's often the easiest path to find happiness through complication, and by putting complications on what Spike must first achieve to be worthy of love, not only does this make life a living hell for the show's writers, but also saddens my whole outlook on the innermost, innate, instinctive love of love... of course, I'm ony saying this because I'm real lonely and bitter, but that's besides the point..."

"There's actually only one thing that bugs me about Wednesday and Thursday. The only thing I talked about to others, was how damn sick I was. I was practically bragging it off like some broken record or something, because honestly, my personal pain is the only thing I ever have to talk about... And the thing was, I could visibly tell that my friends were getting sick of hearing that I'm sick, and even though my conscious mind could recognize this all, I was still too delirious to do anything about it... And the thing was, before I got sick, I checked the Buffy forums and sort of noticed the same thing online. The girls and, um, more girls who had posted those days, seemed to already be sick of Spike's insane ravings and rantings. They claimed 3 episodes of his nonsensical talk was already simply too much, and they're already demanding a change. Now, from first glance, this could prove that a) the world moves too fast these days, simply because people keep demanding novelty, and b) people don't like what they can't understand, and they can't understand what Spike and his "I'm insane; what's his excuse?" is exactly saying... But to me, once again, this "sick of asylum sickness" is all due to the very coinage strength of the internet, the ability of each and every person online to share their thoughts and steal each other's. Back in the pre-internet days, everyone had speculation about future TV episodes and movies and stuff like that. The thing was, unless you were in some fanatical club or something, chances were you didn't have anyone to talk to about your speculative ideas, so they remained all too simple and all your own... Flashforward to the converging connnectiveness of today, and you'll find rampant Buffy speculation across the forums. And the thing is, each and every individual speculation really amounts to nothing but bad ideas. But take a thousand of those ideas, merge them all together and modify a few things, and you end up having a fanfic storyline that most on the internet seem to think is "better" than the actual episodes... And already, I've seen major theories of Spike's hallucinations on each of the forums that I've visited, and it really seems like the writers in those forums are already claiming that they combined efforts are better than the slow crap that is happening to Spike right now in, um, reality... And really, I guess there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone is entitled to speculation and I suppose their opinion. Afterall, it's what makes shows fun to watch, and it's simply innate human nature to brag about knowing the future or whatever... but still, it's this speculation crap that makes the mass public hate the new Star Wars movie series (although the novels had a hand in that as well). It's this speculation crap that makes every old school Trekker hate every series after TNG. And it's this speculation crap that causes most Buffy fans to claim that every new season pales in comparison to the second and third seasons... and, well, I forget if the internet was around in its current incarnation back then, but speculation in the forums was definitely not nearly as open to the general public in those golden ages. Back then, the internet was a novelty, not a way of speculative life...

Anyhew, I for one haven't gotten sick of Spike and his delusional state or anything, simply because now that I have the stomach flu bogging up my brain, I can sort of relate with the ol' chap with the chip in his brain... The only thing I didn't appreciate, was that the mood associated with Spike and his insanity changed over the period of just one week. Last week, his insane ravings had a purpose - he was feeling guilty. This week, they were instead used for comical humour. And this unbridled shift in the mood of his comments simply didn't work for me, although I still have to give the writer's credit. They deserve American Idol props for trying the "Everyone's talking to me; nobody's talking to each other" thing in "Same Time, Same Place"... Because although I personally didn't enjoy this episode, it was quite interesting to see a storyline where it shows Buffy one moment, and then shows invisible Willow or whatever the next moment, at the same time and the exact same place. And it was sort of interesting how they wrote in a bit of payback for evil Willow, with the Gnarl demon eating at her flesh (although I still don't buy into the Scobbies all forgiving her so quickly - sure, her evilness was just a metaphor for suicide and not caring about her friends and crap like that, but honestly, she tried to end the world! She tried to kill 6 billion people for Christ's sakes, but I digress...). Personally, Gnarl was never threatening to me since his retarded rhyming scheme reminded me too much of my own bad writing, but that's besides the point... But anyhew, simply put, I liked the premise of this episode, but the execution just wasn't as fantastic as last week, I suppose. Hannigan did a good acting job with her relief when she finally was able to see Buffy and Xander, but besides that, she didn't do much. Buffy and Xander were both kind of useless, and I thought Xander not knowing what was going on (with the Spike blood thing) was a bit out of touch with his season 6/7 character, but his yellow crayon thing was still a decently nice touch. And like I said earlier, I wasn't impressed with Spike's little comical banaza this week. I felt it should've waited a couple more weeks at least. But the speculation on the internet does seem to ring true, that how do we really know he's insane? In this episode, he was actually talking to Willow while Buffy thought he was just being crazy. How do we really know the Big Bad of the season simply isn't chasing him around wherever he goes, infiltrating his thoughts? Or, um, nevermind... But the real star of the show this week was Dawn, who not only found a purpose in the Scoobies by taking over Willow's old internet searching work, but also did the best job in a long time when it came to comedy. Sure, I felt the jumps between Willow getting eaten alive and Buffy putting a remote control in poseable Dawn's hand was a bit too schizophrenic for me, but the murmuring from Dawn's clamped mouth was downright hilarious... Then again, I guess it may have also served as another reminder of what Willow did to Warren, clamping his mouth shut and skinning his little, um, skin off, but that's besides the point..."

"Not much happened in the online Buffyverse, although I found it rather comical how threads are now starting how "Buffy doesn't act like a real hero; she's got too many issues", and "BTVS doesn't have good fights anymore; I need to watch Angel for realistic battles these days"... and, um, I may be used to it in Star Trek, but I just find it hilarious how Buffy fans are for no apparent reason demanding that the show be more "true to life" or some crap like that. I guess they still refuse to accept the Buffyverse is a metaphor for the hardships of life, as just an ape escape for reality and not a substitute for the real thing, but that's besides the staked point... Anyhew, I really don't have much to report about this week's episode. Hell, I don't even catch its name since I was too busy hacking away a lung on the germ infested couch to care. However, I will admit that "Cassie" or whatever her name was rather endearing to me, considering I was practically dead as a dead, um, vampire or whatever at the time. Cassie the precog did have a certain, tender sweetness to her voice, and I guess that was helped by the fact she was wearing clothes that reminded me of my obsession, but that's besides the point... And obviously, she touched the heart of many online fans as well, considering they uploaded a crapload of copies of her website onto the internet the very day the episode aired. But besides her cuteness, nothing she did could save this episode in my eyes. Because I'm sorry, I was never really a big fan of the so-called great second season or whatever kind of crap, simply because it was too teenie bopper antsy for me. Honestly, it was a showgirls, girls-show back then, and so was this Cassie episode. Everything about it, from the eye-rolling poetry to the Buffy gang all crying at the end, really made me feel like gagging for the first time since Buffy decided that death was her gift... and who knows? Maybe I did gag? Both from the storyline, and my damn sickness, but that's besides the point...

And as for the rest of the episode, there's not much to say. Probably the only line I liked was "have you Googled her yet?", followed by Willow's "I've gotten over you, sweetie". Though it somewhat bothers me that a person who tried to destroy the world is back on such friendly terms with Edger friendly friends, I guess I should take me own advice, freak an egg, shove it down my spine, and admit the show doesn't have to be Ivanfian realistic all the time... I thought some of Buffy's cuteness was alright as she counselled a bunch of students at the start, but besides the girl who beat the crap out of the bully guy, none of the characters displayed were of any real interest at all. Xander barely did anything in this episode, Anya was missing, I couldn't feel anything for Dawn and her espionnage storyline, and although I'm relieved that Spike got back to "serious" serendipity insanity (although punching himself in punch-drunk-love didn't exactly have the intended effect on me, since I'm the guy with the permanant bruise on his face), even Cassie's sweet home alabama line how "she'll tell you one day" didn't choke nor strangle a tear from my eye. Because simply put, the theme for the season is back to the beginning, and sadly, I was not a real fan of the show at the beginning. The atmosphere of this episode was not about atoms, and not about Adam, but about angst, Alabama and Eve. It felt like a girl episode, it sounded like a girl episode, and well, simply put, that's why I'm not the one uploading Cassie poetry on the web as we speak."

"Anyhew, enough bastard criticizing from me for one day. I'm just lucky that I don't read any Buffy reviews, because it would be shame if my opinion was changed about this week's episode, "Selfless". I absolutely loved this episode, from Spike's "I have no where to go" line, to Anya's rendition of "I'll be his misses" or something like that. It was a wonderfully crafted episode, and I'll be damned if any reviewer took that Once More, with feeling away from me. Now, I admit Buffy missed the boat at times when it came to cute humour. The spinning pencils on her head was alright, but switching from guys' hearts being torn out to getting business courses at university didn't exactly work for me (although it showed her season 7 routineness of slayage). Xander had some pretty good speeches going, with his love for Anya and saving her thing. Willow was a true star this week, although her evilness didn't exactly match her cuteness later on. One moment, she's telling a girl to shut her whimpering, and the next, she's doing her "Hey, I'm right here" thing when Xander was talking about not killing homicidal friends. Sure, the contrast was nice, and sure, it showed that Willow has both light and dark personas, but her schizophrenia was still not well mixed enough for me... As for the rest of the cast, Dawn was conspicuously missing, and Spike was great for the time he was on air, but besides that, my hero didn't do a thing. But that's alright, since Anya hasn't had anything to do for a while, but she finally got this episode to truly shine, and Spike will get the same in due time. And hey, that rhymes! And 'rhyme' rhymes with time... cool, but, um, nevermind...

Anya had a brilliant comedy thing going with the flashbacks to Olaf. I loved the old camera style look, I loved Anya's Gaellic/Anglo-Saxon or whatever fake accent, and I laughed at the subtitles whenever Olaf and the "Olaf impersonation" talked. I mean, how can anyone possibly not love villagers throwing various fruits and vegatables at a Troll, not to mention Anya's beautiful rendition of the word, "Troooll"?... And as for renditions, the first time I heard it, her musical song this episode didn't exactly ring well in my head. But the second time around, the wedding bells did sound and toll, and I loved her song just as much as her work in Once More, with Feeling. I especially liked the touch of the spinning Xander chair or whatever, although her fake blond hair was kind of a little too, um, fake for me (sorry, I'm a hair guy when it comes to women, although that doesn't necessarily sound too good)... And who can possibly forget such classic lines as "Anya lame-ass, made-up, middle name", and her brilliant line how her little Russian revolution, of which the prolitarians will overthrow absolutism or something and pave the way to communist utopia on earth, is all just common sense? Sort of reminds me of the Common Sense Revolution, which we Ontarians hopefully haven't forgotten, but, um, we probably have, so nevermind... The spider demon was a very cool idea, although its death was a little too quick. Anya's fight with Buffy wasn't bad, but there's not much to say about it. And D'Hoffryn was cool in all aspects, from his comment of all women deserving vengeance to the one about his demon having a picture of Willow flaying Warren up on his wall. And the ending of the episode was rather dramatic, even for melodramatic me. I didn't guess that Hally would die, and I almost felt bad for Anya when she saw her old fiendish friend go up in flames... It was cool how Anya got her wish twisted and fulfilled, and thus got a taste of her own medicine. It was appropriate and kind of witty at the same time, and I applaud the writers for that. And since nobody ever reads this site, I just hope that other reviewers on the net are applauding too, because writers would actually check the net if they'd get some real recognition and praise in the cynical online world. But alas, even the hourglass is forced to follow the laws of man, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean..."

"Anyhew, when it comes to TV, the holiday cheer is rampant all about come the first day of November, and already I'm starting to grow a smile on my face. It's November sweeps time, when TV just can't be beat until possibly the final arcs of the entire season come to play. And truth be told, I adored this week's episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Him". Simply put, besides the final scene of the season opener, and besides maybe Anya's little song from two weeks ago, nothing truly memorable has happened yet this season. And that's why I enjoyed "Him" so much. Somehow, the comedy in this one episode alone stands a cut above the rest in my easily impressionably mind. And the thing is, I attribute this telly cheer of mine to the fact that it is November sweep time, and strangely enough, that same reason alone is being used on the forums as the excuse, as the measure of a man, as to why this week's episode was not a good episode... In their eyes, November sweeps is all about one thing: angst, and crappy "ship"... and okay, that was two things. Two words then: so sue me... nevermind...

We've all know major angst is coming soon, since Spike has been silent for too long, and with the Big Bad of the season getting restless after laying dormant since the season opener. But because forums posters are all about what a show and its arcs "should" be like rather than what it actually is, I've read a lot of complaints this week that "Him" simply was proof that Joss Whedon has absolutely lost it. Not only did they complain that the story was a rehash of Xander's little love spell (which the writers candidly represented with the "Ah, good times" reference in the episode), but I must've read at least a dozen flames, all complaining that for a November sweeps episode, the characters were all so flat. Apparently, there's petitions going around right now, demanding that the writers explain why they didn't make the Scoobies react whatsoever to Spike getting a soul. After Buffy cried her eyes out in the second episode of the season, absolutely nothing has happened with the Spike arc, and certain viewers are ready to march on Washington about this. They had all hoped that maybe Buffy hadn't told anyone about her finding of the soul, and that maybe she simply isn't reacting to it all because she's still scared and scarred from the rape thingy or whatever. But in "Him", we all learned that Dawn and Xander have been told that Spike has a soul, and quite frankly, it didn't even make a bleep on their radar.

And although to an extent, I agree with the flamers, that maybe it would be interesting to see Xander compare his double standards of loving Anya and hating Spike, maybe it would be interesting to see Willow side with Spike about evil reformation, and maybe it would be interesting to see Dawn condemn them all, only to find herself an evil ball of, um, evil one day as well... But the thing is, contemplating good and evil was the theme of last year, when the line between human and demon was finally crossed (I was getting sick of demons not having human rights), so everything the viewers want has become old news to the writers. The theme of this season is to get back to the beginning, and thank God that that's exactly what "Him" has accomplished. It was a fun filled episode, perhaps the best since the Zeppo, filled with little reminders of Buffy's seasons 1 and 2 past. I couldn't get enough of Buffy holding a Bazooka to kill Principle Wood. It was a bit too much overkill, I'm afraid, but a nice reminder of the time Xander stole the Bazooka back in season 2, when Spike was evil and trying to end the world. And come on, who amongst the non-Leoff-spoiled didn't laugh when to the sound of elevator music, Spike jumped at Bazooka Buffy in the background, only to scoot away with the thing with Buffy close behind?... And my second favourite scene of the episode? When Xander and Spike had their master "plan" to steal RJ's lovefest jacket. It was classic season 2 writing there: the two talked as if they had something complicated in mind, and then simply ran off with the jacket like hoodlum boys before RJ even knew what happened... And my third favourite moment of the episode? Simply the way Sarah Michelle Gellar acted throughout the whole episode. I couldn't help but find her hair damn attractive in the Bronze, where she had her Goldie Hawn look or whatever you call it hairstyle for the first time since season 3. And goddammit, I couldn't help but get turned on when Buffy was eyeing RJ in slow motion, twirling her hair and watering her lips...

And honestly, who couldn't laugh at the sheer, blatant, ridiculous nature of her sofa talk with Dawn, when she blamed her sister for concocting elaborate fantasies with her lover? I mean, why oh why can't Sarah please talk about me that way? I mean honestly, who throws a shoe? I'll thrown mine, if she throws hers, because this episode truly was a back to the beginning for me, all the way back to the second season, when the only reason I kept on watching was to see how cute Buffy would be the following week... And truth be told, I admired mostly everything about this episode. From the sappy music in slow-motion, to Buffy pulling a Ms. Robinson on RJ, it all just somehow made sense. It just all somehow made me feel so... I don't know what exactly, but so... Christmas like... I mean, Sarah felt like giving, and as Xander would say, "Daddy like"... and this is all coming from a guy who watched this episode only hours after I probably failed that computer mid-term of mine. Now, if only I had my back to the beginning Buffy getting on my back everytime I'm in need of a bit of holiday cheer. Then, um... actually, that doesn't sound exactly right, but... um, nevermind... "

"Anyhew, there was one thing that weirded and wrinkled me out about Buffy this week. In Conversations With Dead People, Spike didn't act insane whatsoever. In fact, he even sired a psychiatrist and picked on a blonde girl. And the thing was, Spike's actions this week along with the notable absence of both Xander and Anya have sadly and predictably sent shockwaves across the internet, as the fantical world of "fandom" has demanded the heads of Joss Whedon and the so-called "Mutant Enemy" for ruining their beloved Buffy characters yet again... and, um... Well, I've always been one to tolerate and even have a hardy laugh at militant internet factions, but honestly, didn't they get enough of this petition signing and forum spamming with the whole Tara and evil Willow thing? And what's even stranger, is that so many of these complainers never exactly mentioned how Spike didn't even feel an ounce of pain when he bit into the girl's neck, as if he wasn't actually the one biting her or some crap like that. I mean last year, I couldn't help but quit reading the forums, simply because people cared so much more about themselves than any of the writers' feelings. They went as far as to claim that killing off characters to make better storylines was morally wrong, simply because those characters had become their heroes and heroines... heh... they were heroine addicts... um, nevermind... But of course, they didn't exactly complain when my hero, Warren, was flayed and flamboyed and flabbergasted alive, but that's besides the point... The point is, this time around, I may have to quit reading the forums all over again, simply to keep my sanity level higher than Spike's. Because reading about all those women giving internet, e-hugs to one another, reassuring them that Spike is not evil and that everything will be alright, is simply goddam getting on my nerves. And in a week where I pretty much have no more pride and no more patience, that can't exactly be good for business. That can't be good for anyone.

I did enjoy Conversations With Dead People though, as did a lot of those same people I talked about online. Personally, I thought it was one of the most well done episodes in a very long time, simply because it merged and meshed so many different types of storylines into a brilliantly coherent plotline. This was possibly the most frightening episode since Hush, when the smiling, heart-tearing Gentleman floated across the scene. Because simply put, although Dawn suddenly being able to use magic was a bit cheesy, seeing flashes of her mother Joyce on the very couch that she died, was enough to get even me startled and rattled in my seat... I didn't care much for Willow's storyline, since I was never exactly a fan of her relationship with Tara. However, I couldn't help but smile in unison with the fake Cassie, when she so eeriely pointed out that, "Beneath you, it devours... Not it... Me."... And, well, for whatever Y2kk readers I actually have left and who actually know me, you probably can guess what parts of the episode I enjoyed most. Considering I loved Normal Again last year while many fans were petitioning for that vile episode to be stripped from the records, I couldn't help but fall in love with hunting hat Holden, the psychiatrist vampire. Not only did he have such classic lines as, "I'm here to kill you, not to judge you", but he also brought out the best in Buffy as well. It was ridiculously funny, at least to no-name me, seeing a diabolical vampire trying to get Buffy to remember him from high school. I've always been a huge admirer of humourous angst, simply because I could never write it properly myself, and seeing Buffy using a gravestone as a psychiatry chair or whatever was simply golden. It was a nice touch when the vampire pronounced the word "Nemisies" properly, and I couldn't help but smile in glee when Buffy told Holden, "I think you're confusing me because you're evil...", or something along those lines... And perhaps most importantly, Holden was actually a good psychiatrist! For once, after a decade of mockery on Frasier, TV finally had a good psychiatrist! Sure, I would've preferred if he extended and encompassed his revelation at the end to all people, that all people have inferiority complexes about their superiority complexes, and that everyone has a superiority complex about being inferior, like I damn well do today, but that's besides the point...

The thing was, I felt bad when Holden was dusted, and I think Buffy did as well. I felt spooked by the evil Cassie, and I'm sure Willow did as well. And the thing is, this episode truly did hype up this last season of Buffy extremely well, because simply put, the Big Bad of the year is truly bigger and badder than I ever once thought. Not only can this thing shapeshift and mimic the mind and memories of the dead, but it was also in so many places all at once, at 8:01pm no less (clue perhaps? Oh well, AOL, who really cares...). It was with Willow at the same time it was posing as Warren, goading Andrew with the ever classic line, "That boy is our last hope... No, there is another" (poor Jonathan; he was my hero, and now he's gone... where's can I sign a petition?). The big evil was possibly in the Summer's house at the same time as well, destroying furniture and scarring the face of Dawn (though because the apparition was glowing at the end, some fans believe that it was the real Joyce there and not the Big Bad, despite the evil, ominous message that made Dawn cry...). And I'm sure that Spike was possessed or something by the Big Bad when he seduced and sired that blonde or something, and who knows? Maybe the Big Bad was talking through my hero, Holden, at the same time as well... It's just too bad that this episode came at such a bad time in my life, because after a travesty like my goddam computer exam, I didn't need more angst. I didn't need November Sweeps. Instead, I needed hope. I needed probe. I needed the laughter and comedy that only Angel could provide for me this week, and Buffy simply could not. And it's quite a shame too. If I wasn't so goddam depressed, six feet under, I'm sure I would've loved this episode."

"And truth be told, something doesn't have to be fun to be addicting. It's absolutely mind-boggling as to why I keep going back to the Buffy forums with increasing verocity, week after week after week, when all I do there is essentially shake my anonymous head at all the whiny girls and guys complaining that the Buffy writers are idiots. I mean, this week the central complaint was especially dumb. I actually saw half a dozen threads devoted to Angel being a better souled person than Spike, as if the posters were living out the "my sire can beat your sire" Xander line from this week's episode. I mean, simply because Spike claimed, "I did what you wanted" to the Big Bad or whoever was haunting him, God knows how many frantic posters all went into a foobar frenzy and complained that Spike consciously chose to kill all the people he did, and therefore the writers have ruined their love for Spike... and, um... Of course, these naysayers completed ignored the facts that a) Spike had honestly no memory of what he's done, b) if he had any intention to hurt, his chip would've gone off, unless it was tampered with or shut off by the Big Bad, c) Spike even attacked the woman he loves after he heard a "Pavlov" song or some crap like that, so he obviously had no self control, and c) for God's sake, Spike has a soul! He was a vampire that actually cried, and now he has a bloody soul! I know lots on the forums still refuse to believe William willingly won back his soul, but honestly, in this episode, he even vocally admitted it, and yet people still argued that Spike was killing in this episode because, like Angel in the 1890s, he never wanted to be cursed with a conscience. And honestly, who throws a captain's shoe? It's like most of the most fanatical fans out there don't even listen to the shows anymore, but rather dream of their own shows when reading up about the shows from people who've never even seen the show, but I digress... then again, these posters could all be really damn sulky and sultry smart, and simply be pulling my legs apart for a good laugh... then again, they could be hussling me, because if you're going to do it wrong, you might as well do it right...

Anyhew, this week's episode of Buffy, "Sleeper", should've been a sleeper hit. I mean, I honestly should've enjoyed this episode a hell of a lot more than I did. Afterall, I loved most of Spike's scenes, especially his reaction after tasting Buffy's blood. Either her blood has some magic in it, or Spike simply loves his Buffy so much that he managed to beat off the Big Bad's influence. And it was also touching how he opened his shirt to be staked, not to mention he probably thought Anya's stake was kinky as well, but I digress... I also enjoyed the little music montage during Spike's fight with his "one bite stand". Although it was no Fifth Element, and the fighting was a bit sloppy, I do admit that Spike's punches and dodges were synced rather well with the music going down in the Bronze. Sarah Michelle Gellar did a good role in this episode as well, seeming nicely hurt and concerned when the Bouncer guy told her Spike was a player. She really did seem like she cared when she said Spike's different, now that he has a soul. Although the ending of this episode was a little weak (keeping Spike in the Summer's home wasn't argued by the Scoobies very much), I did like the interaction between Buffy and Spike as he tried to cry his soul out... The rest of the cast did rather admirable jobs as well. Anya was especially funny, slinking into her sex bot mode a little too quickly to be considered not horny. Xander had some quipy lines that worked wonders well, although he did noticely disappear by the middle of the episode for really no apparent reason. Dawn also had a small role, but it was nice that she wasn't decisively stuck on the ghost of Joyce either being completely real or completely fake. An inbetween is always nice... And the thing was, that's strangely all this episode felt to me. I felt like I was sleep-walking through this entire episode along with Spike. Honestly, I should've loved it, yet in the end, because certain parts of it hurt my teeth and cringed my forehead into a vampire shape, this episode was no more to me than ho-hum. I mean, the harmonic guy somehow made my ears bleed, Spike admitting that he talks to other girls felt strangely misplaced, the multi vampire fight at the end was too short and anti-climatic, and overall, "Sleepers" just couldn't keep my interest nearly as much as last week's episode did, and I didn't even especially like that one either. Maybe reading the forums a little too much lately is ruining my taste in episodes or something, but like I said last week, I'm more of a fan of funny angst than mystery angst. And unfortunately, this episode falls into the latter category, the category that normally puts me to sleep by rolling my eyes to the other ball court. Because when they do it wrong, they definitely do it right. And sometimes it burns."

"But the thing that really got me, was that most of those damn AICN posters actually complimented Buffy the Vampire Slayer! They hated every other series I liked, yet they loved Sarah Michelle Gellar (without admitting they loved Sarah Michelle Gellar, mind you)? So the thing I must ask is, why is Buffy the Vampire Slayer supposedly so damn good? Sure, metaphors are always cool to, um, demetaphorsize or whatever kind of onion unravelling crap, and BTVS is stockpiled full of them (mostly related to girly teen angst, though). But metaphors are everywhere, in every shape and show and snow-covered colour. So the debate remains, what makes the metaphors in Buffy, Matrix, and Lord of the Rings so damn cool to these science-fiction-philes? And the thing is, I basically just answered my own question. Nerds want to be cool, like superheroes, except without the crotch revealing underwear and all the goody two shoes crap. Buffy is grrrl power mixed with bad-ass demons. Matrix gives hope to geeks, that hacking paves way to enlightenment or massacring or some crap like that. And who knows why the Oedipal quest crap in fantasy movies is so popular these days, and who knows? Maybe Lord of the Rings' fanfare will actually die out before the third movie even makes it to theatres? And yet none of the posters on the forums commented even once on this pattern of "coolness"... instead, they talked about camera shots, continuity between episodes, realistic physics, actor reputation and nobility, natural character chemistry and interaction, and fiscal, superficial crap like that, as if they were measuring sci-fi like it was anything but sci-fi, the stuff that dreams are made of... They were measuring it all as the stuff we nerds wished we were actually about (no pun intended... wait, there wasn't a pun there either... oh, nevermind...). They were measuring it all, as if they wanted to be real.

Anyhew, even though I personally enjoy Enterprise more than Buffy, that's not to say that I can't go without my Sarah Michelle Gellar fix of the week. This week's episode, "Never Leave Me", may have a title so vague that pondering over it may never leave my mind, but it was also definitely a good episode to end November sweeps with, although I don't exactly think it was a good episode to end the first half of the season with. Running through the cast, Spike was at the top of his game this episode, giving insight into souls being about pain and self-loathing and crap like that. Buffy had a good role this episode as well, showing concern for Spike and yet showing contempt and mistrust as well. Although I didn't exactly enjoy the moment where she told Spike that she believed in him (since just last week on my download site, I cried out that I don't want people to believe in me, but rather care about me, although I guess Buffy did to an extent, with a certain morale highground advantage about her), I did enjoy her overall chemistry with James Marsters, as he talked about pain being relative and how she doesn't know the real him, or what he's done to girls Dawn's age. Dawn didn't factor much into this episode, although for some odd reason, she was able to kick the Harbringer's butts in the end better than anybody else. Xander wasn't very important except for tool talk, although his little interrogation of Andrew is worth a second watch. Anya did nothing but slap Andrew silly, but it was still pretty damn funny to see her riding on Andrew, a beautiful woman rolling with a nerd like me, as if all my wishes had just come true (You see? There's the pun! Or maybe not... okay, um, I'll just shut up now...).

The overall plot of the episode however, was a little too cliche for me. After all the build-up in Conversations with Dead People, the seal in the high school basement still didn't get enough blood to open up? I mean, sure it lead to such wonderous lines as Babe 2 being highly overrated and Obi Wan Warren being a Patrick Swayze, but everything was all rather anti-climatic in the end. The First Evil (now confirmed to be the baddie) has harbringers attacking Watchers all across the world, yet it doesn't send in an army to finish off Willow or Buffy? It could control Spike using a song as a trigger, yet didn't bother using him to slay sacrifices on the seal (unless slurping down half of Sunnydale was what the First Evil needed in Spike)? And sure, seeing the Watcher's Council blow up or whatever was pretty unexpected, but I wasn't thrown off from the surprise. Instead, I was thrown off the track onto tacks because I wasn't sure if it was the council that actually did blow up, since it didn't show Quetin or whoever with an explosion behind his back, and because cheap computer effects made the blown up building look like something else then it was, whatever the hell it was (unless that's what the writers wanted us to perceive). In the end, although the set up of this season was brilliant, the mid-season pay off just didn't deliver big enough for me. The ubervamp or whatever didn't look any more threatening than the Master Vamp or the Demon running around Rain of Fire LA right now. The Harbringers were beaten up by the Slayer's sister with a pole. The First Evil still can't do anything but smirk and compliment snarky Spike without his shirt. And I still haven't seen all my favourites from the past, like the Mayor, Adam (even though girl fans thought he was so boring), or enough from Warren (the real Warren, at least). I guess my expectations were raised far too high from stellar November sweeps and rampant speculation, because alas... alack. Amy Acker, Ecks vs Sever, and whatever acks kind of crap... just like the First Evil, the climax in the end was all talk and not so much go. It simply did not steal the show. But to steal a cliche, it's not them. It's me. Because I still don't know why the hell everyone loves Buffy, or what the hell makes Buffy the Vampire Slayer so great in the hierarchy of sci-fi."

"And that's also somewhat the main reason why I really, really, ridiculously must stop reading the Buffy the Vampire Slayer forums. Because it diverges my thoughts, fault-lines my faults, and I can't help venting my frustrations about all those people on the net who continue to vent, week after week, how they could've written and directed each and every episodes better than Mutant Enemy or whoever runs the show these days. And this week's episode, Bring On the Night, was definitely no exception... because the thing was, I liked this episode, and why? Well, mostly because of the Terminator homage near the end, where an injured Buffy hobbled and wobbled into a factory followed by the Ubervamp and the sound of clanking, chiming music, but I digress... Because even though I loved this episode, my fun with it was ruined shortly after by all the complaining bourgeois on the internet forums. I mean, the places I checked had two great gripes: first of all, they couldn't stand how Druscilla was calling Spike "daddy", and why? Because she used to always call Angel 'daddy', and always called Spike something else. And just being of this pathetically mute, Kevin Mitnick nitpick, so many people complained that they hated what the writers have done to Druscilla, even though it technically wasn't Druscilla on the stage that evening... And many people claimed that if only they had written this episode, they would've done things right... And the second grape of gripeful wrath they couldn't help but sour? They complained that trying to drown Spike was a waste of time, even though that was stated as the point in the episode. Because you see, even though Spike smokes, vampires are not supposed to breathe. And thus, the internet complained that if they had written this episode, that Spike would've been drowned in holy water on a cross or some crap like that, and not in normal water, which by their unbreakable laws of Unbreakable, should not affect a damn, damned vampire one damn bit... And, well, it's always funny to hear people's complaints now and then, but hearing about all these geekdom nitpicks really killed my enthousiasm for Star Trek Nemesis, which I still hope to see next week, and is really slowly, softly killing my love for Buffy... but I've got a theory! It could be forums... so really, I should just quite reading all those crap forums, right?... well... it's much more easily said than done, I'm afraid...

Because I'm addicted to Buffy, I'm addicted to wasting my free time reading up on the internet, and truth be told, as angry as I get at those invisible people on the other side of the world wide web, I'm still addicted to their aristrocratic opinions, simply because they still couldn't change most of my opinion on this week's episode of Buffy. I still think it was the best angsty episode of the year, or at least was on par with Conversations with Dead People (which I committed to and loved after the third viewing or something). Every member of the cast had some decent lines, even if they didn't get much decent action. Dawn got to slap Andrew, Xander mentioned the mummy hand loop, and Willow got to go evil again (after-witch which I actually felt for her cause for once, when she was begging Buffy not to let her hurt anyone). As always, I loved Andrew's antics, as he bonded over Wonder Woman with Xander, and had a burstful blurt out while Giles was talking about the council being destroyed... And as for Giles himeself, it's hard to make out what he is and isn't. It's hard to believe Giles would have such a meaningless death, but yet he didn't touch anything in this episode (except to lean on walls and sit on chairs, both of which can be done without actually touching anything), and he played his character with a certain coy coldness to it... While both dead Joyce and possibly dead Giles both kept telling Buffy to get some sleep, their messages were a bit schizophrenic. Buffy's mom told her that her friends put too much pressure on her, while Giles kept telling her the pressure's all on her. And sure, I'm sure Giles will be found okay in the end, but still, was it me or did the Ubervamp seem more afraid of rushing, jiving Giles than the rising crust Sun when he was creeping out of his little man-hole?... Spike got a few good lines this episode as well, telling the First Evil that Dru was crazier than her, although him believing in, um, Buffy believing in him, was a bit too corny for me to personally believe in, but that's besides the point... But honestly, the reason why I loved this episode so much, was simply because of one guy thing: that Buffy got to kick ass in style, and had some of her best fight scenes since God knows when. The Ubervamp went all Matrix style on her, jumping off of walls, doing bizarro monkey flips, and knocking her pretty ass through a concrete wall, so honestly, how could I possibly not love such sport? I don't know if it's become a grrl thing, but fight scenes like this are definitely a guy thing, of dreaming of projecting a fist or a fistacuff through the lower extremities of a woman as if it were... um... you know what... or maybe you don't know what, so nevermind... I should really shut up here right about now...

And the greatest part of it all? Besides Kennedy looking like quite a looker of a lesbian hooker (and Molly having the worst accent I've ever heard next to mine), this episode had it all when it comes to being a guy. It all started out with a soft spoken Buffy, only to end it all with her ass hurting as much as mine. Enterprise had all that I could ever ask for this week, considering it all started out with Archer being an ass, ending with a kick ass ride through a cosmic thunderstorm, and 83 crewman getting their asses cooked like cats in a Chinese restaurant... and honestly, with guns and runs and, um, more guns galore, how could I possibly stay mad with Stargate SG-1? Not that I was ever mad at that show, but I digress... Now, there were no swollen asses in that episode, except Carter getting her butt covered by an all too eager to die, Agent Barrett, but that's just a small gripe in an episode coloured by peaks and perks of indigo colour... And honestly, after a week where my ass hurts like hell, though hopefully not for the reasons that first come to mind, how can I possibly not love episodes for guys who like episodes?... except if my ass does hurt for reasons I strangely can't fork out of my mind, but that's besides the point..."

"Anyhew, I guess the concepts of friendship and forgiveness have sort of been semen on my mind for the last few weeks or so, which is why I kinda got peeved at certain posters on the Buffy forums the other day. This week's episode, Showtime, wasn't the most depthly of episodes, but it certainly kept my attention, in part because it featured the best fight sequence I've ever seen Sarah Michelle Gellar do... and also because I couldn't get enough of Andrew, who makes me laugh just as much as Warren ever did. His little moments of being ripe, of being Episode One bored, and of trying to help Buffy, Justice League style, all did the Mr. Trick in making Showtime worthy of its episode one name to me. But unfortunately, certain people didn't exactly agree with my non-existant opinion on the net... You see, I for one enjoyed the shared moment between Andrew and Dawn, mostly because of when Dawn asked if he was speaking an actual language or something, it reminded me a bit too much of good ol' times, when I bored women to tears (from the eyes, not down below) with my science talk... Thus, I for one am quite enjoying Andrew as Dawn's version of Spike, in which Andrew is a mock redemptionist to complement Dawn as the mock slayer of the show. But my positive outlook on the Kevin Bacon game wasn't exactly shared by all, as quite a few angry posters complained that Andrew should be kicked off the show, because he has yet to show any real remorse for nearly raping Katrina last year, and because he pretty much mocked Spike with that leather coat of his or whatever earlier this year... And most of all, they forbid Andrew from ever having a thing for Dawn in the future, not only because they're 100% sure that he's gay, but because they cannot stand the idea that Dawn would associate herself with a murderer who has no conscience whatsoever. And, well... wow... I'm sorry, but it all just sounds so funny to me. These posters hate the fictional character of Andrew, because he killed the fictional character of Jonathan according to the script? I mean, what's next? To complain to the Mayor's office that vampires roam the streets, working for the Mayor? I mean, for Christ's sakes, it's almost as if these internet writers are acting like parents of the mock television screen, but that's besides the point... And although I admit Dawn getting together with Andrew would seem forced, almost akin to Bashir and Ezri Dax getting together out of nowhere thanks to it being DS9's last season, you've gotta admit, it is about time Dawn did something relevant on the show. And it truly was almost ridiculous for me to hear people arguing about this issue as if the show was straight from reality TV or some crap like that... And besides, isn't it cool that the letters of "Dawn" are all found within the name of "Andrew"?... yeah, catacombs cool... but I digress...

As I mentioned above, Showtime was one of the better episodes of the year to me, definitely the best of 2003 so far, even though my hero of Spike was missing for most of the show. Xander didn't do a thing, and Willow really just stood there by the deflector shield, but the story was brought along quite nicely by the Slayers in Training, and by the Giles/Anya couplet that went to an oracle Buffy really could've used in prior seasons... I won't go into details of why many internet roamers loathe Kennedy as much as Stargate fans hate the Tokra's Anise, but I will say that although she seemed a bit too pushy, I thought Kennedy's personality worked well with her rich background and all, and I thought she showed leadership potential as well (although I wouldn't say spinoff just quite yet...). The other trainees were pretty useless, and I laughed when "Eve" of all names turned out to be the First Evil with a really bad accent, but in the end, they all served their purposes decently well, as they watched Buffy beat on the Turok-Han like little birdettes watching their mother swallow a worm... and besides, Chloe was kinda cute, and Molly had a thing going with her hair down and her mouth shut, but that's besides the point... And as for Buffy herself? Besides putting forth an excellent fight, worthy of the Jedi archives, in which she went for the eyes the second time this season already, she also put some real umpth into her one liners, although the Thunderdome one was a bit over the top... I also personally thought Sarah Michell Gellar looked exquisitely beautiful in Spike's dream, and devilishly slinky wearing black as the First Evil, but maybe I was just real horny this week or something? Which explains a lot about why I liked Showtime, especially the joke about only having one washroom resulting in girl nastiness, but that's besides the point..."

"And that's the thing that bothered me most about the Buffy forums this week. Now, I'm not just whining now about whiny rants like I always do. But rather, I'm whining about all the whiny rants about whiny rants on the forums... Or actually, the whiny characters on their Buffy screens, namely Dawn and whoever else, and they used this week's episode, Potential, as the perfect example of that. The thing was, many long term Buffy fans still hate Dawn, simply because they feel she ruins the team dynamic on the show. She does nothing but whine and act as the princess to be saved, causing Buffy to rally behind her and really nobody else. And there are even some who feel cheated that Buffy and co. still have altered memories of the past compared to us viewers, but that's besides the jealousy point... The point is, they thought they saw potential in Dawn in Potential, but still hated her guts for being there. And quite frankly, I find that absurd... I really did like Dawn in Potential, and I've enjoyed her in many episodes of past (except that awful Halloween dating game one, but I digress). I thought she acted rather well after she was slammed into a wall by that potential finder of a green cloud. She nervously fiddled with her fingers rather convincingly, and although it was pretty damn stupid for her to leave the house, I did like her subtle reactions as she glistened and listened to nobody but Xander give her credit downstairs. And honestly, I thought her scenes with Amanda rivaled some of the best of the season, as Amanda did an excellent job of awkwardly acting terrified, and Dawn did a rather Buffyesque job of coaching the potential into taking her homecoming crown... Now, I admit that Xander's speech at the end did get a real reaction out of me: I laughed. I laughed so damn hard, simply because his words were so damn, extraordinarily cheesy. But still, he did have a point, one of which many forum posters rarely concede. That simply put, Dawn has no powers. And thus, she represents us on the screen. Hell, she pretty much represents me, although I think Warren and Andrew do a better job of that than her... And it's ironic that normal people on the forums are whining about Dawn being just a normal, whiny character on the show... when as Xander points out, that's her greatest strength. Maybe she should get a cape... or maybe show her thong. That would be catacombs cool, but I digress...

Overally, I enjoyed Potential more than most of the past few weeks of episodes, simply because all-too-powerful Buffy was sort of out of the fighting picture. I admired how Dawn had trouble breaking that flagship of a flagpole, although Amanda staking the vampire at the end was a little too easy for close comfort. As for Amanda, her best work was definitely her talk with Buffy at the end, where her awkward pose and poise delivered a wonderful execution of, "A vampire attacked me tonight. Problem."... The rest of the potential slayers certainly did show potential, especially Linux Vi or whatever that hat girl is named. Not only did she look adorable in that little whatever on her head, but she looked positively alluring when she blushed from the remembrance of her little, helpless girls statement. Rona stereotypically was the toughest of the bunch, and Kennedy was naturally the leader, being the oldest and most trained of course. I forget what the other potential on the show was (Molly right? Gosh, she looks so posh hot, that I almost forgot how bad her accent was...), but I do remember one thing... Where the hell was Chloe? Sure, I know she had scheduling problems and thus couldn't be on the show, but couldn't they have at least mentioned she went with Giles to China or something?... As for the main cast, Giles was missing in action, but Spike took his place of prominence with a few good lines and a tender rubbing that I wish I had from Buffy... although, um, is it me, or is Spike no longer insane now that the First Evil is no longer there? And secondly, he was able to hurt the potentials without any pain. I had just assumed that in Never Leave Me, he had just assumed that his chip was no longer working. But now it seems, the tables have turned, and it appears that I had assumed that he assumed that his assumption was not assumed... or, um, nevermind... Andrew didn't get many comedic moments, and I personally hate Dragonball Z so I didn't get that line, but Anya more than made up for the lack of geekiness in this episode, as her comments on Dawn having an abbrievated life span and being swallowed whole by something larger, simply had me howling at my television set. Willow wasn't part of the action very much and neither was Xander, although he did get that speech at the end which got most girls on the forum rather soberly sobby rather than snobby... and, well... I see they still haven't become immune to him, I, um, see...

And Buffy herself had some candid moments, notably the one in the bar where she mentions how every demon would gladly rip out the Slayer's throat, only to hug Clem and his TiVo loving ways a second later. And although her speeches do get a little huffy and stuffy and, um, buffy, from time to time, I did enjoy the moment where she closed the doors on the potentials and the vampire, since she really is turning into a great teacher (if murdering potentials counts as good teaching, that is). Maybe she could teach at Sunnydale high, and get a cape while she's at it or something?... Overall, I thought Potential had more than just potential. I thought it had good looking girls, a lot of hope, and a lot of style. I didn't see Dawn as whiny, but rather the way Xander has always seen her: for being the strongest, simply because she's never in the spotlight... and, well... I guess I did like that speech in the end, only because it gave my whiny ass some hope that I may one day be considered decently decent. But oh well, AOL, it looks like I'll never have American Pie or Paris, considering even fellow geeks like the girls on the Buffy forums won't accept me and my whiny antics. There really is no hope for me... or New Hope that is. Unless Dawn actually does play DragonballZ with Andrew's ballz in the end, but that's besides the point..."

"If it wasn't for my experiences on the Stargate and Buffy forums, I might've thought my friend was a fanatical wack-job, who wacks off at Homer Simpson or some crap like that... and even with my experience, I still think he's some fanatical wack-job who, well, you know what... But his disproval of the Simpsons being taken out of their artificial universe into another artificial universe (without the use of a Halloween special, that is) was more than familiar to me, considering I absolutely loved "Normal Again" from Buffy last season, only to find that the forums absolutely tore that episode to shreds, blaming the writers for making Buffy seem like a schizophrenic lunatic rather than a hero... The thing was, the episode never once explicitly stated that Buffy was actually in a mental hospital in real reality. It only suggested the possibility, which I was absolutely fascistly fascinated with (just like I was with Benjamin Sisko, the mental writer, in Deep Space 9), and yet certain forum posters swore to boycott the series from that point on, simply because the writers weren't giving them what they wanted, that their dreams were more important than the show, that their opinions were far more opium important than those of the series' creator.

And although the talkback for this week's episode, "The Killer in Me", was nowhere as painful to read as it was for Normal Again, I once again was forced with the predicament of reading complaint after whorish complaint on forums about how they're turned Willow into just another stereotypical lesion of a lesbian, that they've ruined her character along with Buffy's and everyone else's, and blah blah blah... It's ironic that all these people would complain how boring the series has become, only to keep watching and keep writing review after piss poor review, each and every one of them more boring than the last... and, well, um, that actually sounds more like me, constantly whining and whimpering week after week about the whiners on the forums, but I digress... Okay dokay then, moving along, I admit that although the Killer in Me deserves my personal high praise for it's original premise (I never would've came up with a storyline of the murderer turning into, um, another murderer out of guilt...), the episode did sorely suffer from a lack of balance and unity between all of its three, disjointed plotlines. The Giles being incorporeal evil one was seriously underutilized, as all that came out of it was Andrew threatening to glue stuff together, and Anya having absolutely no use in this episode whatsoever... Although I must admit, my eyes were getting all misty from tearful laughter when Giles commented, "I'm evil when I take girls on a camping trip and don't touch them?"... Sure, the internet roared against that line, swearing that the real Giles would never say such an unEnglish comment or some kind of crap, but I for one enjoyed the comedy as it was, and I couldn't help but laugh at the moments when Andrew grabbed Willow/Warren in the breasts, and as Dawn kept poking and general patting Willow as Warren, simply to see how real he was.

The Spike plotline, in which his chip starts going haywire, did feel rushed and out of place in this episode. I loved seeing the initiative back, and I thought it was interesting how the demon Buffy fought was wearing army clothes, but the entire battle scene suffered from a real lack of lighting (probably because they were saving money for the finale or something), and also because Buffy throughout the episode seemed to talk with a squeeky voice, as if she was the one who had the flu and not Kennedy... who, um, also did not have the flu, but that's besides the point... Sad to say, I didn't get the "tea" references at the start of the episode. That sort of went over my head, although if tea is a sexual thing, then we Chinese must really be sexual predators... And I really didn't like the conversation between Kennedy and Willow in the Bronze, as it was kind of painful to see the potential slayer drag so many details about Tara out of mourning star Willow... although I personally do the same to pretty much everyone I talk to (and get into a lot of trouble for it), but that's besides the sorry point... Altogether, I must admit, I didn't see much chemistry between Willow and Kennedy. Hell, I didn't even see much of anything between Kennedy and Warren, as even their magical kiss at the end didn't spark shivers up my spine or anything. And I would complain about this, except for one reason and one reason only: I've never liked Willow. She had a lot of cute lines in seasons 2 and 3, and I loved Hannigan in the American Pie movies, but I never liked her relationship with Oz, I didn't care much when she cried from Xander having sex with Faith, and I certainly didn't shed a tear when Tara got shot in the heart. I never liked Tara and Willow together, and it bothers me how the internet seems to think it's wrong for Willow to move on, as if the lesbian couple deserves special treatment over the other past couples or some crap like that. Sure, they can complain that the 'kiss a man into a woman' thing was a little too cheesy and fairy-tale cliche, as I thought it was, but must they really call Willow a pedophile, for simply being interesting in a girl about two or three years younger than she is (and yet no-one mentions that Angel was 200 years older than sweet 16 Buffy)? And more to the point, the fans on the internet seem to think that Willow and Tara were soulmates, and that Willow finding someone else ruins this ideal dreamcatcher of a dream for the world wide net... and, well, first of all, I might as well remind those forums bashers that Tara wasn't liked very much upon her initial arrival either, and not just by me. And secondly, is it me, or is the internet community acting as if they're Willow's best friend or something, just like Willow called Riley's wife, Sam, a bitch last season, even though she actually liked her?.. or actually, the fans called Sam a bitch as well, even though I didn't see her do anything wrong. But after doing so many routine sweeps over the forums, it seems to me that the fans are so afraid of changing the things they like, that if a certain number of them had their way, no-one would grow up, and Buffy and friends would still be in high school... hell, she would still have sixteen candles on her birthday cake, just like Lisa Simpson still has eight, but that's besides the point..."

"Anyhew, the thing about the forums last week was that these intellectual bastards of bashers were finally getting the praise and respect they thought they deserved over the past two weeks. Because so many casual forum perusers hated The Killer in Me so much, that they even complimented the critics' humour in their ten page reviews... But the thing was, this week's episode, "First Date", was so damn good in my eyes and the casual viewers' eyes, that all those early, negative posts about this week's episode, from the same damn people who blasted last week's episode, were completely ignored this week and rightfully so, simply because... well... because nobody believed them for once... And for good reason. Because I was damn well surprised at how coherent and spunky First Date was, both in writing and in plot development, the former of which was pretty much shunned and abandoned in last week's effort. The star of First Date was definitely Buffy in my eyes, and not only because ASN, the channel that I watch BTVS on, finally broadcasted in decent enough quality that I could finally see that lusty lustre of hers shining off of her sultry shoulders once again... Not only was Gellar beautiful, but she delivered her lines with stunning poignancy (making me hope that I can stick to her my point one of these days as well...). I loved her comments about earing urban legends this and mechanical pencils that. I absolutely found it adorable how she admitted to watching Joe Millionaire or whatever other crap reality show she was referring to. I thought her conversation with Willow about possibly liking Principle was one of the most well done conversations in years, as Buffy is always at her best when she's considering playful love. And I even loved her "bidat of evil" line, even though I have absolutely no clue what the hell a biday or bidat is... She was great in the latter half of the episode as well, as her looks towards the peeing Anya were great, her acting towards Spike was brilliant, I thought she looked like a rather "frisky vixen" as she kept asking Principle Wood about his powers and past, and I even loved the look in her eyes when Xander was asking Willow to gay him up... A cute, quip Buffy was exactly what I needed before Valentine's Day, and thank God that's what I got. Because even though I rarely admit it, and as much as I love the more serious tone of the series now, I still do miss the old Buffy. I still do sort of wish she was still in high school... but then again, I was one of the few that loved the Initiative. I thought they had some real drive, but, um, nevermind...

And even though I mentioned last week that I've never been a fan of Willow, I did miss the seductiveness cuteness she had back in Seasons 2 and 3 whenever she said an ambigious line. And I absolutely loved her downright playfulness this episode, as she told Buffy to dress appropriately for Wood's good and evil ambiguity, and as she chastised the now-chaste Xander for being a girl demon magnet. And Xander played a pretty good role as well this episode, as I laughed so damn hard when he admitted early on that his date could be evil, simply because she was interested in him, and also when he finally cried out, "I knew it!", as he was being tied to that hoist thingy above the Danthar-whatever seal... Anya was barely in this episode, but I simply adored every minute that she was there. I loved the return of the blood-slash-pizza stain from Conversations with Dead people, I thought Anya looked every bit as great as Buffy when she put her hands in her pockets (not sure why that turned me on, though... oh wait, I do...), I found the shrill in her jealous voice to be every bit as alluring as the Sirens of Greek past, and hell, how could I not love her comment about peeing? I know it sounds sick for a guy to like hearing girls talk tales about peeing, but... um... now that I think about it, I really should stop talking... But as for Principle Wood? He did a pretty good job in this episode as well. He personally helped Gellar to one of her best fight scenes against Vampires in a long time, as the dusty deaths were dynamic and dramatic in so many different ways (I especially loved the moment where Buffy mounted a vampire from behind, but, um... nevermind...). His scenes in the French restaurant were alright, and I did like the seriousness in his face when he first saw the First in the form of his mother, but my personal favourite Woody, Allen juice moment in First Date was when he was in the car with Buffy and Spike... first of all, I loved the awkwardness in the scene. And secondly... um... was it me, or did Wood see Spike in the rear-view mirror? That's twice Spike has been seen in a mirror, the first being in Him when we saw his reflection in that jock's house or sometime. It's possible both were just mistakes from the writers, but honestly... you can never be too sure... and lastly, although Dawn had little to say in this episode, I thought her scene with Andrew was brilliant, as his geekiness seems to be rubbing off on her. I mean, by ignoring the potential slaying of the potential slayers, I swear she's turning at least a little semi-evil... And as for Andrew? As much as I loved Buffy and Xander in this episode, Andrew stole the show yet again. From his Price-is-Right showing of the microwave, to his calling of the apparition "Johnathan-slash-the First", to his feelings that Redemption is painful as Dawn ripped off his nipples with the tape, to every single damn thing he did... he truly was the best comic relief I've had since... well, since the last time he was prominent on the show... Because honestly, even I was laughing along with Johnathan at the fact that a geek had to read a manual! I mean goddammit, it's intuitive!... and honestly, how could I possibly not love First Date, amid all the great writing and natural flowing (and hope of Valentine's day flowing in a bidat from above...), when Andrew mentioned Captain Archer! He was mentally undressing Captain Archer... Ah, good times...

(<PS>: Before I move onto my Enterprise mini-review, I should note that for the first time since Conversations with Dead People, the First Evil truly was menacing and ominously threatening. Although I sort of laughed at the image of Johnathan's corpse, there's no denying that its threats towards Andrew had me on the tip of my seat, and at the tip of my berg, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... and, well... Giles had some great moments too, first by showing his Hush-like flash cards to the gang, and then by pointing at them, claiming there's nothing funny about it... I also enjoyed how he acted as a father figure to Buffy again for the first time since last season, although he was a bit demoralizing to the group when it came to their first dates... And finally, I should mention something about Cho-an, or however you potentially spell that new potential's name. The thing was, although I should've laughed at her remarks about being lactosse intolerant and not knowing the hell what anyone was saying, the fact of the matter is, I couldn't find her scenes funny, because her Cantonese accent was just so damn bad... almost as bad as mine... Even though there were subtitles on the bottom, it still took me two or three viewings to properly understand what she was trying to say... Then again, her last comment about Giles trying to kill her did actually sound pretty close to how it should've sounded, probably because we Chinese hear that same statement from our parents all the time, and it's only natural to pick up that accent of whininess after so many repeated yellings and screamings, but that's besides the point... </PS>)"

"Anyhew, I'd better move onto my Buffy review for the week before I go to be extra quiet for the Quiet American or whatever kind of crap... Short story short, I wanted Get It Done to be my First Date of a first date, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. I wanted to like this week's episode, I really did, but I just knew that I wouldn't, especially after the omen of me snickering and grabbing a Mars bar at Chloe hanging dead from the ceiling, and when I sort of snored through Buffy's speech about usefulness... and it certainly didn't help when I caught myself laughing my assface off at the horrible CGI graphics used to swell a swarm of seas of Ubervamps or some crap like that, but that's besides the point... Although I did find it surprising that Buffy would resort to taking out her frustrations like an army officer on her subordinates or some crap like that, considering the show has previously all been about teen metaphors and not taking things seriously, even the Bring It On statement couldn't keep my eyes open... not until the wonderful muppet show came along. Possibly the only thing that I liked about this episode was the stylish art direction, as the shadow puppet show and the misty demon flying through a hazy, grazy coloured screen was simply too damn cool to ignore. However, when it came to the actual characters and plot of the show? Stuff didn't exactly fare not so good... along with my English English apparently, but that's besides the point...

Dawn was alright, although I found it odd how she suddenly picked up Sumerian, although her yelps and cries when the text turned to English was simply all too cool... And speaking of cool, Andrew was once again one of my favourite geek of the group, but he didn't get to do much, except bake, hide the board, and call himself a "guestage" of the hostage of the house... Xander did nothing but add sarcastical comments, which worked really well nonetheless when the exchange student of a demon grabbed him from the portal, but I digress... I didn't like what Willow had to say this episode, considering I hate how modern fads like to depict magic in the realm of Physics. I'm just not saying this as an engineer, but also as a scientist wannabe, bur honestly, I just couldn't stand her talk about the conservation of energy, but that's not really Hannigan's fault I guess. Besides, I did laugh at her comment about sucking at Latin, since I was also thinking the same damn thing at the time, but that's besides the point... Anya really only got to talk about her uselessness, which reminded me a lot of Season 5's The Gift, when Giles started crapping on her too, only to be cut off mid sentence when she remembered the orb thing and her ex-husband of a troll's hammer... Spike didn't have many lines, and I felt it odd how he was crazy just a few months ago, yet relished the kill this week with a cigarette and a bad pun about a tusk, no pun intended (not like there was a pun there...)... but then again, how can I possibly stay made at a guy who gets theme music while walking in his trademark, whatever you call it, leather duster thingy in a school hallway?... and, well... Am I forgetting anyone? Well, the episode forget about Giles, but I'll waiver that clause off... But anyhew, all in all, Get It Done just couldn't bring it on or get it done when it came to my tastes, although I thought it was a decent filler of an episode. The First showed it could attack the group from within with the whole suicide thing, not to mention using Buffy's own morbid words against her, but still, I just didn't feel anything decent for this episode... But if there's one upside, at least I didn't have to hear any horrible London accents again, as some Molly action really would've thrown me out of a loop and made me throw myself out of a window, all Charlie Chaplin things considered... And call me crazy For You if you will, but I'd rather take Luny Lin's Chinese accent any day, especially if she spots-my-dick to offer me food, thank you very much, but that's besides the point..."

"Anyhew, I'm running low on time, so I'll move on quickly to my Buffy the Vampire review from three weeks ago. Storyteller was probably one of my favourite episodes of the year, simply because it marked the true, triumphant return to Rome of the Trio, the group I personally loved since the day they first appeared as one on Buffy. Andrew was my least favourite back then, but thanks to this episode, I now see that he has even surpassed Warren in my eyes. I loved his dream sequences, with Buffy winking at cereal, and with Spike being shirtless more times than can tell. I personally thought his little mental additions to the Dark Willow scenes were brilliant, not to mention his brilliance in his "in my plan, we are beltless" line. And call me classless if you will, not only because I enjoyed Joe Millionaire, but because I laughed both times at the sheer ridiculousness of his "we are gods" menage a trois... but honestly, Storyteller truly did make me miss the Trio. And even in the scenes without the Trio, Tom Lenk as Andrew truly did shine. I loved the way he mentioned off to the side that he placed his old murder weapon in with the household utensils. I loved the way he pointed stuff out to us on the Big Board, and talked about Warren and Johnathan as if they were characters on the television screen, and not his friends or partners in semi-evil. And that's why as cheesy as it was, with the tears closing the seal and everything, I found it rather provocative and revealing, how Buffy pointed out to him that life is not a story (which ironically enough, her life is a story, much to the chagrin of many online fans). I loved how this scene was almost indirectly talking to the online community, as they keep track of Buffyverse events almost as if they were sports stats, and talk about murders here and rapes there as if it was some damn mathematical equation, or at the least the Mathematics of Tears. And what boggles my mind even more was that after this episode aired, a lot of fans simply brushed all its comments off, and simply claimed this episode was horrible. Guess fans don't like to be told what to believe. They instead prefer to believe in Buffy, and think that there's no storyteller involved but themselves.

Anyhew, the rest of the cast this episode took a back-burner to Andrew, which was no problem in my eyes, but definitely a main concern for all those obsessive fans on the internet. Starting at the top as Andrew said, Buffy was brilliant in the cereal fantasy, but her only real true moment if you asked me came at the end, when she told to Andrew her first speech that actually did ring true. I also thought it was kind of cute how she did such a fake slap to the invisible girl. I personally wouldn't mind being smacked by her, if only so I know I'm not invisible to girls, but that's besides the point... Spike had only a couple of scenes. Shirtless Spike just had to make a comeback for the feminist fans, but I also enjoyed his little camera cameo, in which he even had his lines memorized, kind of reminding me of Buffy's dream sequence back in Season 4... Willow didn't do much but kiss Kennedy under the shadow of the perfect window, although I did like the look of boredom on her face when Buffy was giving yet another speech... Anya had a couple of great lines, mentioning masturbation, and half begging Xander for love and sex... Sex with the ex. I thought there was still chemistry between the two of them. I thought they still sparked. I also thought their love making scene felt out of place in the episode, as it contrasted too much with the fight in the school hallways... Xander was told that he was the heart of the team. His smile there was probably his only acting in the episode though... I had expected Dawn to have done more this episode, since she's the one with the real rapport with Andrew. Instead, she managed to just crack a smile like the rest, as the sweet-talking Andrew has a real way with storyteller words... All in all, this was Andrew's episode, his only episode, and it truly showed as I laughed not once, but both times at his little made-up fantasy excuses as to why he murdered his friend. I couldn't help but enjoy this episode, considering Andrew was essentially a representative of me on the small screen. It was almost as if votes to Congress (or Parliament for me) actually did give us a say at the end, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... but alas, I guess that will forever be just a fable or a story of a peanut bank teller to me..."

"Before I go, I'd better get on with my Buffy the Vampire Slayer review of the week, before my hard drive suffers a complete meltdown along with my RAM, but that's a story for my Tweakui site this week... This week's episode was Lies my Parents Told Me, and for the most part, it was one of the best episodes of the season. I've always enjoyed flashback episodes (well, Spike and Darla flashbacks at least, not really Angel's), and this one was no exception. James Marsters is a great actor (for years, I never knew he wasn't even a Brit), and it showed as he really seemed to care about his mom. One of my favourite moments of the entire season came when he was talking to Dru on the comfy couch, telling her about becoming the next scourge of Europe, the three of them together, the third being his mom... I loved the look on Dru's face: "you want to bring your... mum?..." And the way Spike just brushed the comment off, as if there was nothing weird about it? Priceless... it was gooooolllldddddd, but, um, nevermind... His moments with his sired mom later on were wonderful as well, thanks mostly in part to the brilliant bobbing and weaving it made with the present scenes of Wood pushing his face against wooden crosses. Although as a Freudian fanatic, I would've preferred if the mother and son innuendo went on further and, um, more poignantly direct, it was definitely still, um, provocative, the way it was. Spike was a little too nice for a vampire in his flashbacks, considering how damn stupid but evil he was back in season 2, but it truly did fit in with his current character, of being a demon that's so damn nerdy that he actually does care for people. He cared about his mother enough to give her eternal life, he cared about Dru enough to love her for a century, and he cared about Buffy enough to get a soul, just so that he wouldn't be beneath her anymore... no wonder I admire Spike. I'm jealous.

Buffy had a couple of decent scenes this episode, in which I liked it when she was mocking Richard's name in the fight of her life. Giles stalling Buffy in the graveyard worked quite well, although I can't remember anything he really said... Wood and Giles played off of each other quite well this episode. I liked their exchange about Spike and the military chip at the start, with the principal looking as confused as if he was watching a bad soap opera or some crap like that, which he sort of was. And I did like the solemn stare on Wood's face when Giles realized Spike killed his mother. I thought the two shared quite a few things in common at that moment, as Giles can convey a truckload of notions in a single look, stronger than a locomotive... As for the rest of the cast though, they were practically non-existent. Willow's real role this week was on Angel, but I won't review Orpheus here or anything. Xander was just dander or dandruff in the background, while Dawn was just fluff with a bandaid on her head. Anya went blonde again, although I doubt Giles will notice a second time around. I personally thought the hat on her head was cute, as was her line about Spike having a get out of jail free pass or whatever, but one line isn't really worth a mention in this episode... Overall, I did love Lies my Mother told me. I've been a Spike fan since season 2, and he was great in all his scenes in this episode. He acted a bit too callous and soulless at the end though, after Wood had cured him of the trigger. I would've thought he'd actually be sorry or what not about killing Nikki the slayer, as he said in his triggered state, but it seems that souled Spike is still the same old Spike we've always known. As a demon and as a man, he's still the same person it seems. And thus, no wonder I admire Spike. I'm jealous.

For what must a man do, to be hers?... but not like this... not with her looking at me... not with her leaving on a jet plane, wanting me to fly away... because that's procedure... to wanton... wanton... I don't even know how to pronounce that word or what it means, but does it really matter? It's like an apparel pair of paradigms, growing on a Chaucer pear tree, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean..."

"Anyhew, enough of that Zelda rap of a rant for the day. Let's get on with my Buffy review for the week, before I waste even more time with a certain lack of exam studying... This week's episode, Dirty Girls, was one of the best of the season, simply because I enjoyed Nathan Fillion's or however you spell his name's Pizza Place, Southern Cliche villain of the week. Of course, I'm not sure what effect was intended... I mean, was he threatening? Not really. If I laughed at Angel's Beast, then I can definitely laugh at Caleb. But the thing is, I think I was meant to laugh, and that was exactly what I did. He was a great villain because of his great lines, like his "yes" contraire to "no", his talk of "mysterious ways" and "straight-forward" ways, his delight at finally seeing the form of Buffy for the first time, and even his talk of whores (which sounded like it came straight out of my John Wilkes Booth script, thank you very much). He was a great baddie in the sense that he was completely ridiculous, which I haven't really felt in a villain since the Mayor of Season 3 (although The Trio in Season 6 were top notch as well). But as for the episode as a whole?... well, it sort of went slowly for me, considering it was all a build-up episode for the final arc. Most of the time was spent reintroducing Faith and having stern looks between Buffy and Giles. In the end, Giles had nothing to do. Not sure if he will have a role in the final arc of the season... Faith was a pleasure, as she really played off of Spike well. Although her talk of being a naughty school girl felt too old school for me (no pun intended), I did like the way she was staring at shirtless Spike, and I loved Spike's return comment when he was compared to Angel having a soul... Dawn got to stare at Faith. We can definitely see the chemistry there... Willow got to stare at Faith, but in a cuddly sort of way... Anya was... well... in the credits... that's about it (or actually, that was it, oddly enough)... But to me, along with Caleb, the two stars of the show were Buffy and Xander, as Buffy made some pretty horrible speeches but at least put up a good fight (gotta love the completely unrealistic, double uppercut move she did), and Xander? Well, he pulled off a decent speech, although it finished on a cheesy note (you gotta love Andrew crying, of course). He made a brilliant comment about Matthew Broderick and the American Godzilla that I think all geeks can approve of, and honestly, I don't normally get psyched out by scenes on the television screen, but Caleb just looked so damn happy as blood gushed from Xander's eye that it truly did make it a memorable moment to me. I did feel sorry for Xander, and it was all done quickly enough that it was a purebred shock (and ironically iconic, as eyes seem to be a theme this year, with the flesh eating demon getting killed by thumbs to the eyes, the Ubervamp getting stunned by a crossbolt to the eye, and of course, Xander's speeches about seeing everything). And all in all, Dirty Girls did set up a powerful arc that will hopefully leave the Buffy series a legacy in its viewers eyes. Because honestly, how can you not love a show where a Slayer blocks a Vulcan Nerve pinch?"

"Anyhew, now all I have left to watch on television is the final episodes ever of my precious Buffy the Vampire Slayer... and although I can't say this week's episode, Empty Places (or was it called "Empty Spaces"?... I already forget...), was a Jewel among Pearl Jams, I can definitely say it was a decent episode that leaves me good hope for the series finale. To run down the cast, Xander wasn't in the episode a lot, but his chemistry with Willow in the first scene was simply brilliant and very reminiscent of their old school relationship in Season 3, if you asked me. I found it remarkable how Xander could still joke with a thumb for an eye, yet sound so soft and anguished as he tried to snicker about Daredevil. And the way Willow started to cry, with Xander telling her to please not start? It truly was a special moment... unfortunately, the episode as a whole lacked many of them... Spike was barely used, but he surprisingly had a lot of chemistry with Andrew. I loved his talk of cooking onion things or something, even though I wasn't very fond of Andrew through this episode... at least not the first time I watched it... The first time I went through Empty Trading Spaces, I found Andrew to be nothing but annoying... but on the second runabout, I laughed as he spelled "stake" wrong, and I giggled like Anya having sex when he underlined the break-up sex, um... line... on the big board like a big boy. I still found the hot pocket scenario feeling rather forced the second time around, but I laughed at the look that Andrew gave Faith as she finished off the meal he had dabs on... Faith put on an entertaining show as well, as always, as she seems to always do. Although sometimes I have trouble following her lingo, she somehow simply felt natural in the big break-up scene in the end, something that Giles and Dawn really couldn't achieve. Dawn's only real moment in this episode was when she hugged Xander at the homecoming (even though Buffy's house wasn't his home, per say...), and Giles did have a decent talk with Buffy about trust issues, but he really didn't do much else in this episode... his eyes did reveal all when he told Buffy that decisions have to be made in her absence, however... And Anya surprised me with the power of her lines. After being completely absent the week earlier, she managed a decent opening scene by wondering whether or not she should be at Xander's bedside or rather by the break-up sex bed's bedside, and her speech to Buffy about the slayer being "luckier" than the rest of them actually felt meaningful, and little too close of a reminder of Holden's analysis that Buffy has an inferiority complex about her superiority complex...

Although I did not enjoy Empty Trading Relations or whatever it was called as a whole because the fight scenes were rather lacking, I do admit that the episode ended up on the plus side for me, simply because of Buffy and the big break-up, non-sex scene at the end. The star of the episode was definitely Sarah Michelle Gellar, and besides that puberty thing going on with her voice, her delivery of lines was perfect. I loved her comment that the leadership thing was a popularity contest, and that she should get an opportunity to get the Potentials drunk and bake them cookies before they got a chance to vote... reminds me of real elections actually, or at least her homecoming queen thing with Cordelia... I loved her angst towards Faith, telling her she just loves taking everything away from her. I loved the tears in her eyes when she left the house, as she couldn't even pull herself to hit Faith again, as she knew it wasn't her fault. And the solemn look of guilt in her eyes every time someone mentioned Xander? Or the way she reacted when Willow admitted she wasn't defending her? It was brilliant, making Empty Laces or Empty Races or Empty Pakistan Rices or whatever the hell the episode was called, one of my favourites of the season, if only because of that final, fetal position, great scene... the real Yoko Factor, even though Spike wasn't there..."

"And you know what was even more funny to me? While X2 lacked a sense of humour, the posters on the Buffy forums definitely did not. I know that Joss Whedon wrote a few scenes for X2 (probably including the one where Bobby returns home to Boston, where Pyro goes psychedelic). But honestly, have the forum posters gone mad? I saw at least 3 massive threads the other week about how X-men copied Buffy the Vampire Slayer! They commented that the isolation of mutants was stolen from the isolation that Buffy feels as the Slayer... and, um... these people do realize that X-men talked about bigotry and tolerance decades before Buffy ever arrived, don't they? And they do realize that even X-men copied its ideas from a thousand different sources before it? Nothing is ever original, and that's one thing many posters seem to refuse to see... I mean, there's nothing wrong with not being original, at least not to me. Anything I ever write has probably been said a thousand times fold on the internet online alone... But the thing is, many forum posters seem to believe that after seven long years of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, that the writers can still come up with "original metaphors" and original storylines that do not resemble ones from the past. I mean, they criticized Spike for getting a soul, simply because it was too much like Angel being cursed with one... the key to good television is to repackage old ideas in a way that the fans don't notice they're watching the same damn thing. Such is the definition of a fad... and that was the premise that Buffy was first formed upon. A chosen one. A slayer... or as I've always seen it, teenagers whining about not being understood, as every show I've seen since I was born seems to encompass...

And the thing is, my acceptance of non-originality normally leads to me enjoying episodes for what they are, and I personally thought this week's episode, Touched, was rather touching, even if it's all been said and done before in the years before... I won't say much about it since I'm getting tired of typing, but Spike's speech to Buffy nearly had me on my knee, as I wished I could say all those things to girls that I, well... thought I loved, if love is possible... Hell, I'll probably steal his speech if it can ever get a girl to go all weepy and attainathon like that... Buffy and Spike held the episode together like American Pie crazy glue, as Sarah Michelle Gellar really did seem depressed when she was hiding under those covers (not to mention seeming very hot to me, as I always dream of rescuing girls who feel down under... and want it down under, but I digress...). And although her Matrix dodge of Caleb's punches was cheesy, her face lighting up like a Christmas tree when she saw that Master sword or scythe or whatever it was, nearly brought a tear to my eye as well... mainly because she looked hot when she was fighting, but, um (I wonder though... every time Link takes out the Master Sword, something goes wrong...)... I guess I've just been real horny this week or something, because my only comments about Willow are that she looked extremely adorable as well. The way she said her little practiced speech to Spike was season 2 cuteness if you ask me, and the sleeping wear she wore when Kennedy was talking about unrestrained moaning?... if only all girls could wear those kind of extra comfy clothes around me, I'd simply melt in my own knees... and yet the internet hates what they call "Killow" so much, almost to the point where they want to kill Kennedy and kill Killow once and for all, but I for one never liked Tara, so we're finally even as far as I'm concerned... and besides, I liked Kennedy when she was beaten down for interrupting all the time, but that's besides the point... And as for the rest of the show? Well, Touched was a bit too much based on touchy groping for my tastes, as Anya and Xander had no lead up to their sex scene, and Faith and Wood couldn't raise my wood whatsoever... I did enjoy the return of the Mayor though, as his laugh is simply contagious. And I did enjoy Caleb's sermon to First Evil Buffy, that the rest are sinners, but she is sin... I thought it was a catchy slogan at the least. It could definitely work for Sony or Microsoft or something with E3 on the way... Overall, Touched was great, simply because of the Buffy and Spike connecting. I've always been a Spike fan, and I started watching Buffy because of Sarah Michelle Gellar, so... The episode didn't really get anywhere besides getting all characters bedside for one last hurrah before the show ends, but all that really matters to me is if an episode has a few good scenes or not... and a few good women turning all Willow bad in cotton clothing, but once again, I digress..."

Or actually, it's Wednesday, but the fact remains, that Tuesdays will never be the same for me again... because I won't get new Enterprise episodes Tuesdays any longer, but that's besides the point... and while I'm at in, I might as well admit that Mondays will never be the same for me again either, considering I won't be getting anything but Buffy reruns from here on in ... it won't be the same for any of us Buffy cult viewers any longer. We're never going to be able to hear little, witty, whiny Buffyesque lines like the one up above from you know who. Because as of this Tuesday, a legend was laid down to rest, and I'm not talking about the Master Sword, which has been laid to rest forever, for God knows how many times... But rather, I'm talking about the show that has founded a plural for the word, apocalypse. And indeed, we have reached the real apocalypse or apocalypti or whatever of the series... Because as of this Tuesday, Buffy the Vampire Slayer is no more.

I resisted writing a Buffy review last week, mainly because I was a lazy ass who was too tired and too bored to even bother with his Splinter Cell review. But I've got another reason too... For some damn reason, UPN didn't allow Buffy the Vampire Slayer to go out with its usual bang, and denied it a two hour season finale, not to mention a two hour series finale. And I really don't know what was going through UPN's head at that point when they made that decision, but decisions are decisions, and decisions are final, I suppose. And either way, I decided to simply delay my End of Days review, if only so I could consider it a two parter along with Chosen.

End of Days was not the greatest of episodes, but it did have one of the greatest feels I've felt since maybe Conversations with Dead People or whatever. I mean, the writing was witty, the characterization was all there, and for all those women out there who care about relationships on the television tube, we actually got some signs of love rather than just signs of sex... Right off the bat, the episode kicked itself into decently high gear, as I was already chuckling at the look on Caleb's face when Buffy "King Arthured" the scythe out of the stone. The scythe turned out to be a bit too powerful in the end however, as it seemed even more powerful than Excalibur or whatever kind of crap when it tore apart three Ubervamps without even going for the head or the heart. The weapon also got to be the brunt of some decent jokes as well, as I knew the truth indeed, that "scythe does matter"... And even though Buffy's final bout against Caleb at the end of the episode was not nearly as spectacular as most battles on Angel are, it definitely was perhaps the best fight that Sarah Michelle Gellar has had all year, as the constant switching of hands when it came to the scythe actually made for good television... and I couldn't help but feel lucky for the weapon when it got to sear and smear in the hands of such lovely women as Buffy, Faith, and Willow. And, well... like Willow said, scythe does matter, and boy am I jealous...

Every character in End of Days got a decent role to play. Faith got one of the best lines of the season in, "thank God we're hot chicks with super powers". Her partial apology to Buffy was actually touching to a perspirant Degree, with nice touches such as when Buffy noted that Faith going evil was a bit of a factor in the two never getting along... Willow got to do research again ala season 2, and although the website she was searching on looked like something that the Buffy freaks in my high school would've cooked up out of boredom, she did seem to connect with Giles for the first time since the season seven opener. Giles also got to play a decent role as well, as he started warming up to Buffy again, as soon as he realized she was right when she walked through the door with the scythe... Xander only got one moment that I truly remember, as his talk of being a cow left out to pasteur actually did feel appropriate. And considering he partially blamed Buffy for his eye patch condition two episodes ago or something, it was kind of moving that he was so willing to die by her side... and imply that they were both going to die... And Dawn? Well, nothing really happened to her. Nothing relevant to the story, at least. But I did find it funny when Buffy or Dawn or whomever was speed reading through that letter, and then at the most touching part, Dawn just zapped Xander with a teaser of a taser out of nowhere... sniff sniff, brought back fond memories of girls telling me to stay the hell away, but that's besides the point... Anya and Andrew probably got the best scene in the entire episode, and possibly one of the best of the entire season. Although I wasn't a big fan of Anya's tirade about humans always dying and trying, I did kind of feel sad for Andrew, as his talk of knowing he was going to die reminded me a little too much of my own pep talks of failing in university... But chalk it up to Andrew and only Andrew to mold a melodramatic scene into one of the most humourous scenes of all time, as not only did I agree with his assessment that Jaws Anya was the perfect woman, but I laughed and snortled loud enough for the whole house to hear when the two started duking it out in wheelchairs...

But in the end, although I love the supporting cast at times, Buffy the Vampire Slayer was always really a two character show. It used to be about Angel and Buffy... and now it's about Spike and Buffy... and we got both of the above in the same episode alone... Spike's ramble, that simply holding Buffy in his arms was the best night of his entire life, resonated real true to me, considering I often feel the same way about the few brief moments that I've ever felt close to girls... before the pepper spray, I mean... and while I could've done without the "shirty" arguments, it was cute how Buffy wouldn't hide her feelings from Spike anymore for the umpteenth time, as she told him what seemed to be the truth, that she was holding the scythe because of him. And it kind of hurt me actually, being a Spike fan, when the two eventually put off whatever they were trying to say and departed for the night. I guess it reminded me a bit too much of all those times I was close to saying what I wanted to say... but it just never comes out... After that, the episode kind of dragged a bit on for me, as the white haired women felt a little too Lord of the Ringish for me or some crap like that. Although I loved her shrug when she asked Buffy for her "real" name, her talk of watching the watchers sort of bored me as a television watcher... but that may explain why I don't like the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings series very much, but that's a story for another day... And when Angel returned? Considering I watched Angel all season long on his own show, it felt kind of weird that he would make such teenage angsty comments to Caleb as Buffy was fighting, and the kiss really seemed like it came out of nowhere, although I realize the writers were liplocked pressed for time... but when I saw the look on Spike's face afterwards as the First Evil called Buffy a "bitch"?... it was priceless... it's just too bad that it wasn't really followed up in Chosen the week after...

Well, in a way it was. Simply put, Chosen was a great episode in my eyes, but just wasn't the series finale that I was hoping for... then again, it's not like I've ever liked a Buffy season finale anyhew... I found the second season finale to be far too melodramatic and cliche, I found the third season finale to be way too anti-governmental and high school crapish, and I was completely upset in the fourth season when my favourite Big Bad, Adam, died before the bloody final episode... I hated the Gift of Season 5 since it was far too melodramatic with the Buffy dying and the Spike crying, and although Willow turning evil and chasing Jonathan and Andrew down was quite entertaining last season, I just couldn't help but laugh out loud and roll my eyes at every single moment Xander told Willow he loved her... So let's face facts: I'm not a fan of finales. But I was definitely a fan of Chosen, even if it wasn't the big bang of a Big Bad episode that I was hoping that it would be.

First things first, the First Evil did nothing, besides give a nice IvanFian-like line of "who needs an arm when you have an army"? It was kind of weird that First Evil Buffy was shorter than the real Buffy, even though Buffy was sans shoes at the time. And it was even weirder that Buffy barely reacted to finding out that the First Evil can imitate her, not like it ever did anything intimidating with the look... But I guess in the end, the Big Bad being all bad and everything wasn't the point of Chosen, or even the season. Evil will always exist, but for the first season finale ever, Buffy chose to act early rather than just act when the apocalypse was finally upon her. She chose to fight rather than just react, and I guess that reverberates meaning in the end... I guess... Although a debate is raging on the net whether Buffy and Willow did the right thing, of activating all Slayers, even though girls like that baseball kid never asked for it, and even though a slayer could turn evil like Faith and cause a world of trouble without watchers... and, well... besides all these moral issues, I at least found the power sharing scene to be quite provocative, like one big Slayer orgy or some festive thing like that... Internet fans also seem to bashing the "feminist" message that Joss Whedon supposedly sent out with this episode, by saying girls can only be strong by beating on male Ubervamps, but since that's all the show has ever been about to me since day one, I'm going to digress... and, well, once again... In the end, Buffy was never about smart plotlines to me, nor smart politics, nor even smart storytelling. It was about smart dialogue, and stupid popcorn action, and that's about it. And these two criteria of mine, Chosen delivered in spades... Quite honestly, I loved the final battle of Chosen, as the armies of the Hellmouth looked better and stronger than anything I saw in the first Lord of the Rings film, at least... And sure, it bugged me how the Ubervamps were being killed left and right, even by sword blows to their guts or whatever. I guess they were little Ubervamps then, and not the super soldier kind that Buffy had to down with cheese and cheeseman mid-way through the season... and I have to give props to the choreographers of the fight scenes. Because while Buffy can't pull off decent one-on-one fights like Angel can, it definitely helped to have a hell of a lot of hot chicks with superpowers in the background, as Kennedy throwing a vamp into a stagmite was cool, and Vi going all Rambo was even cooler...

And just for the record, I've loved hat girl Vi since the first day she arrived, even though she no longer wears that scrumptious hat that I could just eat... To me, Vi is the cutest girl on Buffy the Vampire Slayer since... well, Buffy... and it shocks me that the net loves Vi as much as I do, yet hates Kennedy with a lesbian passion... The reasons for the net hating Kennedy are obvious, considering she is Willow's rebound girl. But I personally found her scenes with Willow to be sweet in Chosen, as even though I gagged on her "my way" line, I felt chemistry in their kiss for the first time ever, actually... probably because I love the way Kennedy looks with her styled hair... and I've always had a thing for brats, like a certain crush I had back in high school, but I digress... And few on the internet seem to like Principal Wood. Although I agree that it was dumb how he could kick down an Ubervamp with ease and not Spike a few episodes back, I did love his chemistry with Faith this episode, and I did love his "death scene"... For once, Wood got to show some Buffyesque character instead of his wooden personality, as he baited Faith with talk of being prettier than her. And when he drifted off on the bus? I actually thought he died, and I actually did feel sorry for Faith, because she looked like she cared about someone for the first time since... well, since she was on Angel, but that's besides the point... Andrew didn't get to do much in this episode, but he and Amanda got to share in probably my favourite scene of the entire episode and possibly the entire season. I was literally howling in my house when I saw the two playing Dungeons and Dragons on the show. And honestly, has there been any line better than, "I used to be a respected watcher, and now I'm a wounded dwarf with the mystical powers of a doily", or something along those lines?... I haven't cracked up from a television show like I did during this scene since... well, since the wheelchair fight, actually... And I really was glad that Andrew survived in the end, even though I knew we would never see him again. He just reminds me too much of myself to die, as he was wondering on the bus why the hellmouth he was still alive. And who could not love a guy who writes a farewell speech and gives credit to his brother, Tucker? He is 'Tucker's brother', afterall... it's just too bad that I'm not used to seeing Amanda with blood on her face. I didn't even notice that she died in this episode until watching it a third time around...

Anya didn't get to do much in this episode either, and it's quite a shame that her character was killed off for just a shout of shock... it was almost as if the writers haven't like Emma all season, but I'll leave that for the tabloids to deal with... I did like her earlier moments, of sleeping through the night before battle, and for getting the courage to fight for her life from the mere image of cute, furry, hoppy bunnies... And it was kind of painful to see her lying there dead as Xander was calling her name. But alas, I was never a big Anya fan (except when I'm hoping to half get her to happy land), so I found myself forgetting her death by the time my TV turned off... But I did care for all the core Scoobies this episode, as Chosen was really centered around the original fantastic four. Xander pretty much just protected Dawn all night (by the way, I loved Dawn's shin kick, but I digress), but even though the internet is flaming him for not tearing up at Anya's death, I could personally see in his eyes... or, um, eye... that he was both proud of her and saddened at the same time... although I do admit, his comments about Starbucks and Toys R Us did seem a bit off... Willow got to play the nervous girl nicely again, but I was really hoping for veiny Willow to make one last return, and not for her to go all whitey on me. But still, it did provide closure to her magic addiction plotline, as it seems that she can now get a good, euphoric, orgasmic high from magic instead of an evil one now. Good for her... and Giles? His true pinnacle of the entire Buffy series to me was that one D&D moment alone, but I do admit, it just felt right (or just felt nostalgic) when he was complaining that the world was doomed... Even though it felt forced and literally came out of nowhere, I loved how Buffy, Willow, and Xander all started talking about shoe shopping and trying on patches, as if we were back in the first season that I so loved to hate... I thought it was a nice touch and a nice nod to old school fans, even if the moment did feel rushed thanks to the one hour constraints of the episode.

The core Scoobies had their moments, but the real moments went to the love triangle... and although Angel acted really strange around Buffy, I still laughed at his talk of Spike getting a soul as part of a fad, if only because I thought the same thing to myself on countless occasions... And while the cookie dough analogy didn't quite work in this episode (but would've worked back in season 1 or 2 when Buffy hadn't been hardened from hardened wood yet), I still found it appropriate for Buffy, as she's only my age or whatever kind of crap, and it's about time she realized she didn't need to find her true love at sweet sixteen... And while I complained that Spike, seeing Angel say hello with his "tongue", didn't amount to anything in the end, it did result in a barrel of laughs with the coolest picture of Angel on a punching bag that I've ever seen in my life. And in a way, it was kind of sweet actually... It felt rushed in a sense, but it was kind of touching how Spike got over his jealousy thing the moment he looked into Buffy's eyes and realized he was her champion... And Spike? Honestly, I didn't think he'd die... I mean, he's showing up on Angel next season, isn't he?... isn't he?... unless that was all a swerve... But still, he finally got the noble death he wanted to, by experiencing what I'm sure many of us wish we could feel... our souls... And it was just really cool, how his soul just blew away all those Ubervamps like that in the coolest effect I've ever seen outside of the movie theatres. And how can you not love a character who chuckles and laughs in the face of stingy death? And my heart did melt when the fire from his hands couldn't melt the hold and bond he had with Buffy... old flames die hard, was what I was feeling... And Spike, you're da man! You truly are Die Hard, part 1! He took out an entire Hellmouth, and although the whole episode did feel rushed as I keep saying, it was a fitting end, for the Welcome to Sunnydale sign to fall into a nuclear crater at the end... if only it had been the larger version of the welcome sign, Spike would've gotten a hat trick for his knocking signs dead efforts, but I digress... if only...

Was it a perfect finale? Absolutely not. I know that there was no time to wrap up a lot of loose ends from the past 7 seasons, but they really should've tried to wrap up some from this last season at least. I mean, where was the 'Buffy won't choose you' thing to Dawn? Although the look on Buffy's face when she saw Dawn back in the house was priceless, that whole sending Dawn off thing (if that's what the quote was alluding to) ended up being pretty meaningless in the end when it came to the final battle... And what about this From Beneath You, It Devours crap? Sure, it alludes to the Hellmouth down below, and possibly it meant that Spike would devour the Hellmouth, but no meanings were clear, and it now seems that the catchphrase of the season was nothing more than just a bad catchphrase... Is the First Evil dead? Of course not. Buffy just destroyed its army. But it was never made clear how the First Evil would eventually become corporeal, even though it was added in that it would become real when most of the world had been overrun with evil... I was really hoping for a twist though, that by activating all Slayers or something, Buffy would've played right into the First Evil's hands and made it corporeal by accident as well. That would've been nifty... Or at least, the episode should've explained why the hell the First Evil was acting now. Why was it amassing an army and opening the seal, when it could've done that when no slayer was ever in Sunnydale for the past thousand years? Sure, Giles once conjectured that Buffy's return from the dead made a weakness in the Slayer line or something, but nothing was explained in Chosen. And at the very least, that tie should've been... well... tied up... or tidied up, at least...

But still, plot holes aside, Chosen was still an episode that shook the pits of my gut with laughter, and an episode that shook my house from pulse pounding action. I loved Buffy doing Matrix jumping between buildings. I loved the fact that Sunnydale was completely destroyed, even though by watching the school bus chug along, it was apparent that the town really wasn't very large at all (yet it has an university... and yet it has a damn dam, but I digress)... But most of all, I will give Chosen two thumbs up, if only because I did feel sad at the end of the episode. Maybe I was just sad the series was ending or something, or maybe the episode really did get to me in the end. But either way, I've never had any real emotional response from any Buffy episode that I've ever watched (although I really did like Once More with Feeling, and I still get queasy watching the Gentleman in whatever that silent noir film episode was called). Chosen wasn't perfect, just like Buffy was never perfect in the series. But when she finally got to smile in the end, knowing that she didn't just save the world... but that she changed it, for once... When she realized she was no longer alone, I couldn't help but smile with her... she could go to Disneyland, and I could send her to happy land... because now that's she 22 and a baked cookie, I think I'll start looking her up in Cleveland or something...

But dare to dream I say... So to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I take my Vi hat off. And to everyone who was ever involved, I bid a gracious adieu, a God Speed, a Good Will Hunting, and a God Bless Us, Everyone...

... and a very heartfelt, Grrrr... Arrggghhhh... and a thanks for all the memories..."