IvanF's Uninformed Reviews of the Second Season of Star Trek: Enterprise (2002-2003)...

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- IvanF's Archived, Cut & Paste, No-Name Reviews of the
Second/Sophomore Season of Star Trek: Enterprise (2002-2003) -
(First Contact with Romulans, Archer makes friends with Klingon Duras, the Borg return, the Xindi attack Florida)

It disheartens me whenever I check the internet and realize that Enterprise ratings continue to dwindle... I mean, here we have what I believe to be one of the best Star Trek series ever devised, and yet there you have millions and millions of people who apparently disagree with my assessment... I mean, I admit Enterprise is far from perfect, but it is a start. Hell, it is the start. The start of a legend. It's where it all began... and it pains me to realize that a lot of fans alienate themselves from the series, simply because the premise of the show ruins their own visions of continuity... It's quite a shame actually then, that Enterprise might be the first Star Trek show since the original series, to be cancelled before it's time... although if you want comparisons, I personally would think that the two series have a lot more in common than most critics would like to acclaim...

But then again, I guess it'd be kind of prudent to think of such a travesty and tribblation right now, to actually worry about my beloved Enterprise being cancelled, considering the show has at least been renewed for a third season... as a result, the show's premise will take a drastic change in hopes of a drastic change in ratings, as the Enterprise will spend the entire season in the Delphic Expanse (which is only a 7 week journey away from Vulcan at Warp 5, and considering that journey would take less than a week at Warp 9, it's a wonder why this Bermuda Triangle area was never mentioned in TNG or DS9, but that's besides the point...).. Some critics argued however that the original premise of Enterprise was fine, but rather the plots, characters, and writing all suffered instead. And although I agree with them on some level, I just have to ask myself... What the hell does it take to satisfy trekkies anymore?

We're finally getting the arcs that have been sorely missing since Deep Space 9. Minefield paved the course to the eventual Romulan war. Future Tense introduced the Tholians and continued the Temporal Cold War premise nicely. And Judgment, Bounty, and the Expanse may have failed to make the Klingons look like formidable adversaries, but they did prove them to be adversaries, and it's definitely an important step to the one hundred years of conflict the Federation will surely have with them... and what about standalone episodes? I personally loved the Catwalk, if only because of the special effects and the sets involved. I personally loved the silliness of Singularity, and the small town sensations that Carbon Creek delivered. The Seventh provided great acting in a single setting, and Dead Stop was a dead ringer for the Shuttlepod One award of the year... and if you're one of those critics that wants a message in every Trek episode, you had Stigma, Cogenitor, Ceasefire, and to some extent, the terrorist attacks in The Expanse. And if you wanted action? Hell, some of the action was better in Enterprise than any of the Star Trek movies, as Borgified transports, Klingon Birds of Prey, and Suliban ships all provided for some spectacular (if not simple and straightforward) firefights over the year...

There were more episodes that I liked this Enterprise season than possibly any season from Voyager, Deep Space 9, and even The Next Generation. And yet the ratings continue to plummet, even compared to the first season. But who am I to argue with facts? Sure, I'm scared that I might eventually lose my precious cargo of Enterprise, all thanks to critics picking apart Precious Cargo rather than Cogenitor, but there's really nothing I can do to boost the ratings, except to maybe watch every damn episode like I already am (although I'm not sure if my satellite feed even counts on UPN's radar). And all I can do is enjoy the episodes for what they are... as good, old fashioned Star Trek (well, with a catwalk and a catsuit and a dog that looks like a cat, at least...) that obviously isn't perfect... and even though critics keep wanting it to be something else, it ain't 24, it ain't Alias, and it sure as hell ain't the West Wing...

But Enterprise is worthy of the name of Star Trek... at least, in my views it is... but it'll be up to the viewers to decide in the end, although it seems most Trekkies have already made up their minds with a bloody Vulcan mind meld... and if Enterprise ever gets cancelled? Somebody please Vulcan nerve pinch me, because I seriously would not want to wake up from the dream that is Star Trek...

Notable Episodes: Shockwave (Part 2), Minefield, Dead Stop, Singularity, The Catwalk, Future Tense, Cogenitor, First Flight, The Expanse
Best Episode of the Season: Regeneration

"And what do you know? You should've seen the light on my face when I turned on the television the other week, flipped the channel to my favourite sci-fi hour of the week, and lo and behold, the season premiere of Star Trek Enterprise was just beginning before my very eyes... I'd forgotten to check the internet when the new season would finally start, and even though the episode itself was somewhat lacking, I still could not contain my momentous glee the moment I heard that oh so familiar "Faith in the Heart" sweet melody, melancholy play... But alas, Shockwave Part 2 just couldn't meet my expectations. Hell, the critics are right when they say no second parter to a Star Trek cliffhanger, not even the legendary Best of Both Worlds Part 2, has ever lived up to its first parter's standards. This rule held true for Redemption, this rule held true for All Good Things, this rule held true for What You Leave Behind, for Scorpion, for Endgame, and in some sense, it even held true for the amazing Sacrifice of Angels, where the largest battle in the history of Trek took place. If there was any exception to this rule of thumb, it was Way of the Warrior, where the final battle with the Klingons absolutely outshine everything that came before it, but I digress... What I'm trying to say, is that Shockwave Part 1 ended with a millennial bang, a nail-biting premise: the timeline had been destroyed, yet there were no time portals left to fix it. And unfortunately, the writers just couldn't resolve the story in an entirely believable and satisfactory way in just one hour, so they succame to the almighty temptation and used the cheat sheet of time paradoxes to change back the future.

And what do you know? Even though I couldn't stand how Daniels (and the writers) refused to answer such questions as, if the time portals never existed in the new timeline, how could Daniels transport Archer to the future in the old timeline? Daniels never answered any of the chicken and the egg problems, and neither did the rest of the episode. Instead of a philosophical think tank of a thinker, we got an action story with a very basic premise: Archer has a plan, and everyone implements it. Sure, I enjoyed T'pol's comment about Archer being on the ceiling, but I still couldn't enjoy how easy it was for Daniels to not only to build a time communicator, but also sync the communcation to the same day Archer was taken, and find a way to use Silik's time communcation device against him. Sure, I thought Reed put on a good act while getting tortured, but it pained me to see how gullible Silik was when it came to the lieutenant's story. And sure, I thought T'Pol did a pretty good job acting, even though her shivering in the washroom did look a bit contrived. But what about the rest of the crew? Dr. Phlox had no more than a line or two, Mayweather was simply there for the sake of being there, and even Trip had very few lines until his infamous speech at the end (although using doorbells for communication was a stroke of cowboy genius). And sure, I thought the space battle at the end was well orchestrated (although I thought it was a little too convenient that Trip could fake a warp core breach), but there was never any real, serious threat that the Enterprise would be destroyed... unless there was a huge time reset button to be pushed and prodded, but I digress... And yes, sure I found Trip's "you're pathetic!" speech at the end oh so enlightening, but the whole scene felt rushed, except for that awful Captain Kirk impression done by Archer and his Gazelle story... But I do have to admit, although Shockwave 2 was not exactly shocking, it was still rather entertaining. I loved Archer's dropkick to Silik, I'll state that the faked warp core breach did look real cool, and I'll even sadly admit that I was giggling in glee quite a giddy bit at Hoshi panting and sweating in her panties from the EPS shafts, although the joke where she lost her tank top sort of fell flat on its face for me... Nevertheless, my principle still stands, that although Shockwave Part 2 could not live up to the hype in my mind, it was still a thoroughly enjoyable episode. And after watching Carbon Creek today, I must admit that Season 2 of Enterprise seems to be shaping up to be one of the best Trek seasons on my list of all time favourites, but I'll leave that mini-review for next week, provided I still have time in the midst of tests and assignments..."

"As for Enterprise, last week's episode of Carbon Creek may not have matched this week's episode, Minefield, in terms of visuals and moral dilemmas, but I personally still have a soft spot in my heart for the story of three Vulcans who crash landed in Pennsylvania. First of all, I loved the whole atmosphere of the Carbon Creek town. From all the 50s styles vehicles to the very clothes the Vulcans donned, it was all a masterful touch on a show that often doesn't have very much costume variety (well, human wise that is...). And sure, while many critics complained that Carbon Creek lacked essentially the entire supporting cast of the show, I personally found the episode to be a beautifully woven sidetrack to the central Enterprise story, and a welcome change of pace. It was written better than most episodes are, with such classic lines as, "(Do you prefer) the frozen fish sticks or the threat of nuclear annihilation?", "It's not always easy to contain your emotions", and even though it made some people cringe, I personally liked the lines about Moe and I Love Lucy... And as for classic scenes, who can forget the sight of a Vulcan fixing a sink with a wrench or a vacuum with a, um, wrench, or of T'Mir putting a dress on backwards behind a washed cloth, for no apparent reason but to get a rise out of the audience? And honestly, who didn't think of Spock when that Vulcan guy donned the hat or whatever on his head, and who didn't at least think of Data when the same Vulcan echoed the words, "I said (the kiss) was very pleasant"... Treknation was right in their review. They claimed Carbon Creek was a wondrous story about human nature... with Vulcans... and I agree that that has always been Star Trek's strongest point: making claims about the human spirit by exemplyfying them through the spirits of other species. Sure, this formula failed miserably in Voyager (except stories about the savant of a Doctor), and sure this formula failed pretty badly in DS9 as well (well, Quark was alright, but Odo was always a bore to me, and the Bajorans with their religion just never seemed to click), but it sure as hell reminds me of the good old days, when Picard would travel abroad lecturing every race that his bald head doth see, and when Kirk would run rampant amongst the stars, telling the Gorn and whatever other species that their bibles and Gazelles were all wrong...

And as for the real human spirit, in the awful reality we call the internet? I couldn't stand some reviews I found on the web, that trashed Carbon Creek for being a circus of a sideshow, for not developing any Enterprise characters, for possibly ruining Star Trek continuity (some were very offended that the Vulcans invented Velcro in the episode apparently), and for leaving us hanging on a thread, for not answering any questions about the Vulcan who stayed on earth. And it's little quirks and Quarks like this, coupled with the unbridled fanaticism about the meaning of life and love on the internet, that led me to believe the utter crap I do now, and become the cynical bastard that I am today. People have always nagged me, nitpicked at my work, and left me nailed to the noose when things didn't exactly go as planned... All people have a love for love, for defining love, for feeling love, for proving love. And yet, they choose to bound it by so many rules, so many regulations, and so many complications, that it's now no wonder why I was never able to fit in with the crowd. Because I had a solution. Maybe not the right solution, but I had a solution, and who the hell would want a solution? That's the human spirit for you. Ignorance is bliss, and for me, arrogance is ignorance. And therefore, logic dictates... um, nevermind... Vulcan nerve pinch for me..."

"As for Enterprise, I was so damn hyped up for last week's "Minefield", the introduction of the Romulans and the future Romulan War, that I knew it couldn't meet my expectations. And sadly put, it didn't. But that won't stop me from saying it was a still a wonderfully woven episode, which only had the fault of being a bit too character based, and thus a bit too bland for Arnold action demanding me. I was hoping for an episode based on Romulan deception, sort of like how Silent Enemy last year panned out (except those stupid aliens weren't Romulans, and they had Borg personal shielding for no damn reason, but if you want to talk about Borg rip-offs, talk about this week's Enterprise episode... but, um, nevermind...). However, instead we simply got the Romulan's territorial nature, as they demanded that the Enterprise leave their orbital minefield, even though they had no clue that Archer and co. could even see the mines (I guess they were hoping the Enterprise would blow itself up)... And first of all, considering how long it took the ship to get the hell out of the minefield, how the hell did they get that far deep in the first place? And secondly, although the special effect of the mine explosion was pretty damn cool, I was not impressed that it was just a 0.25 kiloton explosion. I mean, c'mon! Enterprise uses torpedoes that have less punch than a modern hand grenade, and the Romulans use tricobalt devices that can't even simulate a damn nuclear explosion? I mean, Stargate Command right now is using bombs capable of 1200 megatons, and yet the dastardly Romulans refuse to build a bomb capable of destroying a ship in one strike?... And, well, I guess it doesn't really matter though. The episode wasn't really based on the Romulans, but rather on blue screen effects and the backstory of Malcolm Reed. And while I loved Shuttlepod One last year because everything about Reed felt natural, about recording his last words to all his old girlfriends and about trying to sacrifice himself while drunk, his life's story just didn't mesh well together in Minefield. I mean, didn't it seem a little too quick after talking about how lax corporal punishment or whatever had gotten on the ship, that Malcolm got onto a hearfelt story about his uncle and his fear of drowning? I mean sure, Malcolm's character now makes a lot more sense now. He's trying to sacrifice himself for the good of the ship, simply because he wants to equal his uncle, and hopes that such a sacrifice will save him from the shame that he was too afraid of serving in the Navy... And first of all, I have no clue why 22nd century Earth with their perfect society would need a navy anymore, but that's besides the point... Because I guess I can relate to Malcolm, since I'm terrified of drowning as well. If you ever get me on a ship in the middle of the ocean, you deserve a million bucks... unless I'm delirious from the stomach flu at the time, and didn't know where the hell you were taking me, but I digress...

My favourite part of Minefield? The special effect of the two Romulan birds of prey decloaking in front of Archer and Reed, although I will forever miss that 1.2 km long, Romulan Warbird design... My second favourite part? Archer and Reed holding up duratanium shields to protect them from the mine blast, although I was wondering at the time why the Enterprise never uses their transporters anymore... And my least favourite part? When Malcolm said right before the commercial break that it was time to sacrifice himself for the safety of the crew. I mean, pulling out his own oxygen tank was a nicely innovative touch, but I guess I'm with the internet on this one that his death wish was simply too much to bare as a whole, simply because it's been done to death by anonymous amateur writers everywhere... But then again, I watched this episode last week. Perhaps if I watched it this week, I would be a lot more supportive of Malcolm's little fear of drowning. Afterall, after a couple days of fearing I'm about to drown in my own vomit, I guess I'm a bit more inclined to agree with Malcolm's claim that today is indeed a good day to die... or a good day to, um, die another day, although I don't think that particularly works Windex Wonder Bread...

"Although I'm now fearful that Buffy has gone the way of the girly second season (a season which I watched solely because... um... my obsession reminded me of Sarah Michelle Gellar at her best...), I still stand positive about Star Trek Enterprise, because the show simply hasn't had a bad episode yet this year. Of course, things could drastically go wrong sooner than later, resulting in a dozen Desert Crossings in a year, but that's besides the point... The point is, Roxanne Dawson (if that's how you spell her name) did an admirable engineering job as the director of Dead Stop. Although the episode itself was a little too simplistic for me, as a guise for Appearance vs Reality and a Master of Disguise, I still greatly enjoyed it nonetheless. I was laughing out loud everytime I heard B'lanna's voice as the automated computer (... heh, althouh Majel's voice was invented yet in Shockwave Part 2, the Dreadnought's voice is already present, I see...), and I was roaring out bacteria when I saw how damn similar the computer's humanoid computer core looked to a stupid Borg Hive (I almost expected the station to hail the Enterprise and say, "We are the... um... not the Borg. Resistance is Futile. Lower your shields and surrender your... um, oh, you don't have shields. Nevermind..."). But besides all that archetypal, metaphorical crap about the assimilation of individualness in capitalist and communist societies or whatever, the episode itself was pretty damn good. I love the boyish mentally that Trip and Malcolm have whenever they're together. I loved seeing food replicators, site to site transporters ("Evenin', subcommander", although I don't understand why the computer couldn't just beam Archer and T'Pol out of the core when it detected them), dermal regenerators, and a female computer voice wowing the crew. It all reminds me so much of the best of both worlds... Not to mention the fact that continuity in this episode was a definite plus, from Doctor Phlox inflicting as much pain as he likes on Malcolm, to Archer throwing the "lax discipline" speech back in Reed's face, everything seemed to flow in the show with ease. I even loved Trip's comments about the paintjob, how was he was getting around to it, as if he was as damn lax, Romana pax, and lazy with chores as I IvanFian am... And sure, it was damn ridiculous how after getting off his shirt, Captain Kirk style, Mayweather just had to turn useless and die. Sure, it created a murder mystery that kept my own cerebral cortex preoccupied, and I thought Archer smashing the callous computer screen was rather effective, but honestly, does the black man always have to be the first to die?... But overall, the episode simply excelled, and I even enjoyed the warp plasma explosion at the end (although the tiny yield of the Enterprise torpedoes still got on my nerves). And the sight of seeing the station repair itself? Wow, it all reminded me so much of the greatness of Space Odyssey 2001... even though I haven't seen Space Odyssey 2001 yet, so, um, nevermind... Let's just call it 1984 then, shall we? Double good peppermint gum then, yum... I was getting around to that...

And since I'll have so much to study next week, I thought I'd just do an early bird review of A Night in Sickbay, even though some places in North America haven't received the episode yet. Personally, I enjoyed this episode, although it kinda sucked how I was coughing out a lung in between each and every laugh. My favourite joke was actually the return of the chainsaw. I snickered when Hoshi mentioned it, and I laughed so damn wildly when I saw Archer using it at the end... Hoshi actually did a good job in this episode, much better than her forced speech about Mayweather in Dead Stop. I loved the way she grabbed the bat thing and said, "what are they doing to you?", I loved her startledness when Archer overheard her comments on the comm, and how could one possibly not love her little decon chamber scene? I'm sure the way she was touching T'Pol will get some fantastic fanfic gelled on the net... Trip had barely anything to do, but that's alright, considering he had a hell of a performance complaining to the computer core with his cowboy accent last episode. Mayweather had just one second of air time, so I see his role in the show is staying consistant (not to mention his only scene was a funeral scene... nevermind...). And as for that dream scene, I personally thought it was rather bland, even the part where Archer and T'Pol share a naked decon chamber scene. However, when he woke up and said, "I dreamed... that Porthos died...", that somehow made the day for me, even in my D-day kind of sickness crap. And as for sickbay, a place I wish I could've gotten my damn flu cured, I was surprised at how much more effective the comedy was compared to the time Phlox had to hibernate for a few days. Now, the toe-nail thing was kinda pointless, and the tongue thing reminded me of my own drooling self just a few days ago in bed, but I absolutely loved the bat chase (especially the part where the bat started humping its prime predator), and the scene where Porthos is floating in whatever kind of crap was actually real effective in my eyes, although if I were the Musketeer, I wouldn't trust having a chameleon pituitary gland in my head. I've watched Osmosis Jones too many times to trust the damn thing... or, um, nevermind...

Because the real star of the show, was Porthos. I may not be a pet guy myself. My parents would eat any dog or cat I bring home, and I think I ate my pet goldfish about a decade ago, but that's besides the point... The point is, that although I complained about that Cassie episode being too girly-oriented up on top, I couldn't help but "aaah" with puppy eyes everytime it showed Porthos in that little protected chamber of his. Basically, I loved everything about a Night in Sickbay except the weird ending, where T'Pol began mentioning the attraction crap out of pretty much nowhere... And as long as the writers can keep this up, the Star Trek universe will always shine more prevalently and prominently in my Alpha Centuri eyes than any prom that the Buffyverse can dish out. Because simply put, I didn't like BTVS before the Zeppo and before Buffy was given the honorary, class protector award. Before that, the show simply catered to one demograph, just like every Star Trek show did before the introduction of Seven of Nine... and that's why I miss the glory of days of The Next Generation, and that's why the online Buffy fans are begging for a back to the beginning, chasing Cassie sites all over the web. Because we both had it our way, uphill and downhill, both ways in the show, one for all and all for... um, whatever. I never figured out that line, although I was getting around to it... oh, nevermind..."

"But lucky for me, and lucky for my non-existant, no-name readers, I was treated to a lovely Enterprise episode involving the bridge crew in tight, desert clothes, and T'Pol wearing a Rambo outfit or some crap like that... Although "Mauraders" had its moments, suffice to say, I just wasn't a big fan of the episode. I mean, the desert setting, along with the cowboy-like Klingon Mauraders, just reminded me too much of old Western films, and considering the only Western films I've ever liked were Back to the Future 3 and Shanghai Noon, that doesn't bode well for this week's episode... Because there's not really much I can say about the show. Archer had a couple of decent speeches going, and I admired his talks with T'Pol about not-interfering in other cultures, and his talk with the alien guy by the crawler or whatever. Trip didn't have much to do except bond with some lizard-shooting freak of an Skywalker kid that couldn't talk properly. I personally didn't feel a connection between the two of them, especially when the kid didn't even seem grateful when he was handed classified schematics or whatever to Enterprise, but if the colonists ever show up on Enterprise again, their rapport or however-you-spell-it might just come in handy as a welcome berth of continuity. I also liked most of the continuity in this episode, in which the Enterprise still wasn't fully capable after their minefield and dead stop incidents, and that Hoshi (in her one and only scene) is now a sharpshooter with a plasma rifle. And, well... I see from the way that Malcolm was impressed with Hoshi's grrrl power, the writers are trying to get phaser sparks flying between the two. Although from Broken Bow, I've always imagined that Archer and Hoshi had some chemistry together, the fact that Hoshi knows about Reed's pineapple crap, and lost her shirt in front his armoury knightness in Shockwave Part 2, sort of pricks and bleeds me into believing the writers have other plans in mind...

And, well, moving along, Mayweather gets absolutely nothing to do in this episode except wear a tight shirt, and T'Pol doesn't get to do anything but wear a... um, white catsuit... And as I mentioned above, her little Rambo escapades with her Vulcan martial arts were kind of funny at the end, but what really got me rolling my eyes was her "training" of the colonists. I mean honestly, all she did was duck and roll from the stupid club of a weapon. I expected something like a Judo takedown or a Matrix somersault kick or some crap like that. Sure, I won't take anything away from the fact that knowing which way to dodge is pretty damn hard. But honestly, I slapped my head silly when she gave it some fancy Vulcan name, and said it all with such serious, sincere conviction in her eyes, as if no-one but a Vulcan could figure out such a complicated moveset... And as for the actual plot of the episode, I thought the Klingons were a little too stupid in the final showdown, although that's how the race has always been portrayed. They had transporters, yet didn't bother to just transport themselves behind the colonists, or transport the colonists out into the open. The fire effects were nice, but the episode as a whole was simply too slow for ADD me. The plan to move the modular buildings was interesting, although it was straight out of a game of Starcraft, and I was surprised that the Klingon ship sensors didn't notice anything, but oh well... I was looking forward to threatening Klingons in Enterprise, but instead we've gotten a mixed breed. Sort of like the Klingons in DS9's Way of the Warrior, in which they finally started talking smack again, only to be smacked all over in the ass by the DS9 station that ripped them apart... Klingon ships are pathetically weak, their tactics are more than crude, and yet it's always fun to watch Rambo T'Pol kick their bony foreheads in the face... Now, if only Malcolm can actually hit a standing Klingon with his rifle, instead of just targetting some Jedi floating ball or something all the time, but that's besides the coffee time point... and oops... I'm getting all clammed up right now... discuss amongst yourself, or, um, nevermind..."

"But while certain forums pulled an anti-IvanF and hated "Him", I've so far only found positive responses on this week's Enterprise episode, "The Seventh". Simply put, it was admired by the critics as a true November sweeps episode. It was angsty, emotional, and supposedly suspenseful. But for me? For me? I can barely remember anything from the episode anymore. But as always, there were certain things that I did like. I thought T'Pol had her best characterization since Fusion (since Carbon Creek doesn't exactly count), when her emotional immune system starting breaking down from guilt. I admired her acting when she franctically opened up all the empty injector casings or whatever they were called on Menos' ship, although I kept screaming at how stupid she was for looking for the bio-crap in just the most obvious of places. I mean, c'mon! Maybe Vulcans are just more naive and dumbwitted than I thought, but honestly, after all those years of security training, she didn't once predict that maybe Menos' had decent ways to hide the goods, Al Capone style, to live long and prosper this long? And personally, although it's nice to see her trust Captain Archer and see him as an equal, it was just a little too painful how much he actually needed her. Because although I admit, the ending was a bit suspenseful (I didn't know whether she would let Menos go or not), didn't she learn anything from her training, that it's not up to a soldier to decide between innoncence and guilt, but rather to just shut up and shoot? I guess when it comes to emotional distress, she really is a damsel in distress (unless she kicks high in a Rambo... nevermind...), and I guess that's all good and cheery for her characterization, but... it was simply too angsty for me... Instead, I actually enjoyed the Trip moments a lot more. Even though it was short and brief, I couldn't help but cherish his pretentious moment with the Vulcan captain. And as for captains, I thought that Scott Bakula played his role well. He wasn't so naive in the Catina bar, and he was smart enough to duck for cover and not ask questions when Menos, Mr. Greedo, shot first. Although it was a partial pain to see Archer rubbing T'Pol's emotions in her face with jokes at the end rather than actually try to be serious, Archer truly did seem like a warrior this episode, a true Moby Dick, sturdy captain, like the "seventh" on a Jem'Hadar attackship or some crap like that. I mean honestly, he actually didn't sound intermittingly confused for once.

Instead, T'Pol was the one confused this time, all thanks to Menos, as Bruce Davison played the role to near perfection. Although the criminal who plays on his catcher's guilt has been played to death on the movie screen, the intriguing twist of Menos being a Vulcan actually took me a long time to finally accept. Without the ears, without the logic, he simply felt like an alien to me, and it was kind of cool, actually... it really, really, ridiculously brought some stuff about modern terrorism, CIA inflitration, and Alias crap like that in perspective... or maybe not... Because simply put, as I've stated before, this episode was simply too linear for me, simply too angsty and flatly emotional for me, to ever consider it memorable. Without a Bazooka Joe of the Jungle running around, playing with her hair as she quiply dreams of her lover (although I sort of implied a "he" in this sentence, didn't I?... oh, nevermind... I'll just pretend there's more girl Joe's than guys...), I simply cannot consider this week's Enterprise episode as the next coming of Galaxy Quest. I simply did not get the same adoring feeling as I do watching Spike spin around angel statuettes, or hearing the Saturday Night woman in Santa Clause 2 singing some Shania Twain in a restaurant of some sorts... Simpy put, Enterprise didn't make me feel like Christmas. It didn't make me feel like a child again. And with so many damn tests and mid-terms bearing down my back, all the way back to beginning, I think I've got enough of my own angst rather than watch it on screen, thank you very much... unless it involves T'Pol and Buffy catfighting on a coffee table, although, um... nevermind... if only I had a forum follower, what I said would've been sooooo last week, with a God Bless Us, Everyone..."

"And unfortunately, it looks like this week's episode of Enterprise, The Communicator, was just another victim of my own conversations with dead people this week. I couldn't help but feel a little diluted, diverted, and distracted when I flicked the switch to Enterprise this week. I was preoccupied with thoughts of my own stupidity, and thus couldn't exactly concentrate on or concatenate the Star Trek goodness at hand. And as a result, I didn't exactly enjoy this episode, so I won't say much about it. I thought Malcolm was oddly bland this week, while strangely optimistic at the same time, even though the Malcolm from Minefield just a few weeks ago would've been kicking himself all week long for losing that communicator. T'Pol had nothing to do, and Mayweather was simply there for no reason yet again except to shut the critics up and simply be on camera (like last week, when he did nothing but pin Menos to the ground, but I digress). Trip was once again the comic relief, and I did cheer up a bit from his little cloaked arm thing. But I couldn't help but feel intrinsically sad when he asked to come along on the retrieval mission, only to be turned down by Archer in favour of the bumbling Malcolm. And do I smell Oedipal?... um, nevermind... Because somehow, just somehow, the look on Tucker's face, reminded me of my own alienation and humiliation that lonesome day, but that's besides the point... And Archer? He truly was a passive character this episode. He debated his fate a bit, which was alright I guess, but besides pretending like the Alliance or whoever had phase pistols and cloaked byplanes, he really didn't say that much. He got beat around the bush, got his fake face pulled off (why are 22nd century disguises no better than modern make-up?), and became his old, confused self by the end of the episode.

And I for one am still confused whether this episode was meant to focus on characters more than plot, or vice versa. Because honestly, nobody and I mean nobody really did anything, and yet the plot was rather lacking as well. The writers were probably trying to implement some ethical dilemma or something, about contanimating cultures or some crap like that (I wasn't paying attention much). But the only debate I interpreted in my head was whether making the Alliance look like space age freaks of genetic nature would affect their society more than just admitting Malcolm and Archer were aliens. I mean, who would've believed them? What harm would it really have caused, as long as they got rescued and their technology taken back? Because even in the New Age today, few believe in the UFO Vimana stories from WW2, so... But the point of the matter is, I simply not enjoy this episode, and why? Because in a day when my pride and ethics were all broken and beaten down, in a day when I was feeling so much damn stupider than everyone else around me, the last thing I wanted was to find on television an episode that was trying to be smart. The least I needed was another reminder of my own stupidity."

"But not so on Enterprise this week, because lo and behold, maybe my recent boredom while watching television wasn't just because of me. Because I truly did enjoy this week's episode, "Singularity", simply because it had brilliant transitions between light comedy to dark comedy channel suspense, resulting in time definitely well wasted. Simply put, all the characters had a decent role in this episode, although some were more prominant on the promenade than others. Mayweather was once again unconscious for most of the episode, but at least he got some lines in before he was knocked on his ass. Although it was strange for a New Age show like Enterprise to focus an episode on a woman's cooking (although cooking is actually what turned me on most about my Grade 12 crush... but, um, nevermind...), it was still silly and humourous to see Hoshi sweat and fret over a pot of soup that tasted too salty. And honestly, the scene where she's told her food was too salty was perhaps one of the most billiant scenes in the history of all of Star Trek. Because honestly, I still can't and couldn't believe my own memories, how I never once realized after a year and a half of Enterprise, that the damn ship doesn't even have a Red Alert klaxon! And once I realized my own stupidity, I just couldn't help but barrel over laughing when Trip actually invented the "Reed Alert". Although it's kinda awkward how Tucker hasn't been involved with the original threesome lately (no real interaction with T'Pol and Archer), I just love his little friendly feud going on with Malcolm, and the chemistry between the two truly shines here. In all honesty, as much as I loved Shuttlepod One, I've got to make the bold claim that this was my favourite episode for Malcolm ever so far. Everything somehow meshed perfectly for him. Demanding T'Pol's security code and wearing a side-arm on the ship truly did make the military man seem menacing. And inciting a battlestations drill without even informing the captain, and then getting into a fist-fight with the snail-slow Tucker was sheer brilliance as well. And the best part of it all, was that even after Malcolm ridiculed Trip for arriving to the bridge so late, Tucker still couldn't get past the fact that the captain's chair didn't have a cup-holder and micro-inertial dampeners on it... God, I want micro-inertial dampeners on my chair, although a cup-holder would be nicer... but don't fret, as long as I've got the cash, you bet your ass I'm gonna install both as soon as I can, the best I can. Because when I'm destined to do it wrong, trust me, I'll definitely do it right...

If anyone was more psychotic than Malcolm (and me, I suppose) this episode, it was definitely Phlox. I mean, he was always already a little derranged before that little cosmic, quantum singularity radiation came about, wasn't he? Smiling in sickbay, even though a Klingon was ready to wake up and slit his throat. Charming with Charles Tucker, even when Enterprise was about to be recalled. Condeming an entire planet to the plague, just so he wouldn't need to synthesize a bunch of medicine to save a race he doesn't care about, but I digress... And quite frankly, the moment where he pulls a scalpel knife on T'Pol was one of the greatest Phlox moments yet, simply because he said it with such a sneer sincerity, something which only a snivelling guy like Phlox could salvage... T'Pol wasn't bad in this episode, nerve-pinching the doctor while shoving Archer in a shower (hmm... never thought about the implications of that...). However, she was a little slow at putting together one and one with the radiation, she didn't wake Tucker or anyone else to help fly the ship at the end, and it was kind of strange how she was again bad-mouthing humans as being "erratic" and irrational (didn't she stop saying that months ago?). Archer wasn't much better this episode, getting only a few decent scenes in (such as the one where Tucker tells him he obviously can't write). It was kind of odd why he never once mentioned his preface preoccupation during his little flying lesson at the end, but I assume it was meant to display that he truly does care for his ship, sort of like Spike snapping out of his sleeper phase out of affection for Buffy or some crap like that. However, although separately T'Pol and Archer didn't have exactly the most excelling of moments (no pun intended... wait, there is no pun there... nevermind...), their combined efforts at the end truly did provide for one of the most satisfying climix scenes in all of Enterprise (no pun intended again... if there is a pun... wait, there isn't... oh well, AOL, there's a Royal Tenuous Bomb for you...). Because what I've been clamouring to see for God knows how many years, is simply for plot-holes to all come together at the end of the episode, hopefully without any of us seeing the eventual union in advance. Such as Phlox's insanely in-depth scans of Mayweather's headache helping T'Pol discover the effects of the radiation. And most brilliantly, when Malcolm's illegal "Reed Alert" kicked in exactly when the ship needed it, charging the phase cannons before poor Enterprise could be crushed. Too bad my new hero was a little too unconscious to see it, but it's nice to know that there's another out there who, when he knew he was going to do it wrong, was determined to do it right...

And visually, the flight through the Black Hole, event-horizon thingy near the end was simply astonishing. Sure, it was odd how time dillations weren't even mentioned this episode, but at 2 million km away, it probably wouldn't have made much of a difference, and probably all it would've done was bog down brilliant plot convergences with Voyager-class technobabble. And since I'm babbling now a bit too much about adieu to nothing, I'd better call it quits sooner than later. But before I go, I might as well note that even though episodes where the crew's minds are altered have been done to death by Star Trek alone (I especially remember cringing from Data's homely horniness in "The Naked Now"), I personally found "Singularity" to be the sleeper Star Trek hit of the year. Turning little trivial things into psychotic obsessions has always been a personal obsession of mine, and evidentally a personal obsession of the obsessed on the Buffy forums as well... Because even though I'm now sounding like a broken record, or a foosball table with a foobar handle, it's just so damn true, oh it's true, that when you're gonna do it wrong, you might as well do it right. And that's why it sounds like so much fun, doesn't it?"

"But I guess that's just me, being an Enterprise fan and all. The only weird thing about Enterprise though, is that the writers don't seem to try very hard during November sweeps. Not exactly sure why. Sure, I feel lucky that new episodes will continue ruining through December, but still, it just feels weird that they simply did not put much effort into this week's episode, "Vanishing Point". That's not to say I didn't like this episode. In fact, I kinda loved it, although for the wrong reasons. Reasons being, Hoshi the hottie was half naked, stuck in her cute as a button, cotton pants and exercise top, for half of the whole show. The scenes where she took off her robe for a shower, and where she conviently drapes down her hair right before going transparant, all managed to get me aroused. But the thing is, besides the obvious sex appeal, there really wasn't much to this Enterprise episode. Mayweather was once again invisible (no pun intended... ha! This actually was a pun!), Archer didn't do much except have a really bad conversation with Hoshi's father, Reed was a non-factor, and the aliens of the week didn't really show up until the last act of the show. However, Phlox had quite a few good scenes, going with his evil sneaky sneer at the start, than transforming to his warm, teddy bear Roosevelt self by the end. Tucker was featured prominantly in Hoshi's fantasy, as if she has some crush brewing for the engineer or some crap like that. I mean, why else would she dream of Trip alone with her cellular goo residue, only thinking about her (although you can make similar crush arguments about Archer noticing the morse code, Reed using the transporter, and Mayweather, um, just being there... or lack thereof...)? And then there's evil T'Pol, who seemed to pose a threat to Hoshi at three different times in the dreams. First, she stared unnecessarily evily at Hoshi on the bridge after she woke up late. Second, she sort of rubbed it in Hoshi's face that crewman whatever figured out the simple alien language. And thirdly, T'Pol convinced Archer that the morse code was nothing more than a malfunction, pulling the captain away from a very adorable Hoshi, who was jumping in her spot, fidgeting away with her fingers and tinkering with the Christmas lights. And the moral of this romance story? It really seems to me like a feud is brewing between the two female leads on the show. Hoshi can't decide between Tucker and Reed, and T'Pol can't decide between Trip and Archer... and poor Mayweather is left with nothing to do but fill Reed's old shoes and turn amigously gay... or maybe, in the end, the two girls will get together on a coffee table, no pun intended (since there is no pun), since sugar and spice and, um, everything useless unless you're baking, that's what dreams are made for...

Of course, I can complain about all the technical nitpicks of this episode, like how Hoshi can sit on railings and hear her footsteps while she's phase-cloaked, but then I would have to rip apart every single sci-fi show that's ever done the same (and that's a hell of a lot). And besides, the whole ordeal ended up being one big dream sequence anyways, which was both kind of a relief and kind of a disappointment. Simply put, both Buffy and Enterprise this week had decent episodes that simply did not have decent finishes. Buffy didn't have a cool showdown like Wesley did riding shotgun in Angel (although that doesn't sound too good), while all Hoshi did in the end was jump onto a transporter in her mind and show up exactly where she left off. Sure, it was a nice chance of pace to have an episode where the crew mistrusted the transporter again, and of course it was nice to see Hoshi conviently get half baked, half naked right before she went Invisible Woman (although technically, shouldn't her clothes have fallen off?... hmmm.... mmm... I wish, but, um, nevermind... it's been a long night...). And if this keeps up, Linda Park may very well replace Nicole Deboer at the top of my list of favourite Star Trek actresses, although that'll probably require a future dress-down in a movie theatre, but that's besides the point... The point is, with naked Hoshi, Romulan Birds of Prey, and Evil Phlox all running around Enterprise this season, how the hell can uber nerds possibly say the show sucks? It's almost like Star Trek: Original Series fans grew up and became the very same people that made fun of them for so many years. Either that, or Star Trek V and Voyager scarred them for life, which would actually explain a hell of a lot... and, well...

That's the process of maturity, I suppose. That's the progress of aging. That's the wish of the Naked Now, no pun intended... although, um... let me guess... no pun again?... because ay, there lies the rub... an anti-climatic Y2kk finish for no-name me. How's that for IvanFian irony? Of having no initiative, and having no end? Of simply having nothing left to dream, to dare to dream, except to wish?... no pun intended, of course..."

"I was looking forward to this week's episode of Enterprise, Precious Cargo, not because I thought the episode would be good or anything, but because Buffy's been in rerun season for a while, and I couldn't get my new episode fix last week thanks to Enterprise running a rerun marathon as well... Anyhew, I wasn't expected any sparks or Shakespearean moments in Precious Cargo or anything. I just wanted something to watch to get my mind off the heckles and hassles and Pringles of not studying, and lo and behold, that's exactly what I got. I got an episode that was so downright cliche and downright stupid, that I couldn't help but laugh all the way through it. And it was like a dose of magic. Some really stupid magic, but that's besides the point... The scenes between Tucker and the alien monarch (who couldn't even pronounce properly with a universal translator) were simply hilarious. Of course it had to be a beautiful maiden that Trip rescues from the kidnappers. Of course the two of them get stuck in an escape pod with room for one. Of course she has to rip off her dress and expose her legs before she can step into the pod. And of course, the pod just has to land on a jungle planet, where the man and maiden sweat 'till they drop on the floor and give each other twenty... And oh God, did I laugh at the sheer cliche nature of her highness slapping Trip at first, slapping Trip a second time, then going in for the most passionless kiss I've ever seen in my life. It honestly felt more wooden than the Padme and Anakin love scenes in Attack of the Clones, and yet I loved every minute of their 0.16 second love scene. I felt like I was watching some messed up mix of last year's Rogue Planet and Voyager's atrocious Warp 10 episode (the one where amphibian Tom Paris has babies with amphibian Captain Janeway), and yet because of my seasonal delusional state, I was loving every minute of it. I loved the scene where Archer turned the mess-hall into a tribunal or whatever, even though it hurt my brain thinking about how stupid that alien kidnapper had to be to believe it all. I couldn't helped but peak, both in curiousity and, well... more ways than one... when Hoshi gave Trip the look... you know, the look... for giving the long look at the frozen girl through the looking glass. And oh, how can you not love the coolness of Malcolm as he escorted the alien dude back to his ship, as if it was a leisurely walk through Central Perk Park? How could you not enjoy the stupidity of Mayweather for not steering the ship clear of the green gas or whatever, before getting axed from the rest of the episode? Simply put, I was starved for an episode, any sort of new episode that I could find, no matter how bad, to divert my attention away from Royal Tedious, Tenous Bomb studying. And lo and behold, that's exactly what I got. That's exactly what Enterprise delivered, and I ain't complaining."

"It's the little things in life I cherish, and probably the thing I remember most from this week's episode of Enterprise, the Catwalk, was the weird moment when a very eerie Captain Archer tells some frightened crew member that the first Vulcan Ambassador to earth was named "Sokar", a name straight out of Stargate and Egyptian data-lore (see? I can still pun!... or, um, maybe not...)... But that's not to say I didn't like The Catwalk. Quite the opposite actually, because it was one of my favourite episodes of the entire year so far. The special effects were some of the best since Cold Front (which I mentioned earlier), as even though the storm didn't look even a few hundred meters high (couldn't the Enterprise just fly over it at Warp 5?), its brilliant little light show did have a certain Christmas effect on me... And critique me if you will, not like anyone ever reads this website, but I liked the premise of getting all the crew together on a DS9-like promenade, all without a shower to keep their temperaments in check. I liked the disgust in Malcolm's eyes when he condemned Trip and his engineers' lack of forethought, and considering Trip is my hero, how could I not possibly like that sinister look he gave back to possibly his best friend on the entire ship? Hoshi didn't have much to say this episode, except reaffirm her claustrophic nature like I do everytime I see an elevator, but T'Pol on the other hand had a few sly moments from here and there, paying attention to that crappy, full screen movie night near the ending, and refusing to let Mayweather break off from the Eddy current or however you spell that tornado, sore thumb thingy. And for once, just for once, Mayweather actually had something to do. Sure, he didn't get much character development, considering the only thing he really got to mutter was how scared he was in a type 3 storm long time ago in a galaxy far far away, but whenever Travis gets to show up on screen for more than one scene without his shirt off or his body being dead? Take it or leave it I say, because this is the best he's done since Fortunate Son, which unfortunately was a vey bad episode last year...

In my eyes, the Catwalk was a cakewalk of an entertaining episode to me, not only because Archer had a palmpilot with DVD quality video that I wished I had, but because I also thought the villains suited their purpose as well. Whatever the aliens of the week were called, I thought they posed a much better imposing presence than the Tandarans, the Mazarites (who were referenced yet again in this episode), or even the slinky Suliban ever did. And that mostly had to do with the brilliantly stern, alien captain sitting in Archer's chair, the one with the deep bass voice I'm sure I've heard on Voyager sometime before (although I must've locked the episode out of memory with all those other horrid Voyager episodes I don't remember). The alien captain may have been a one dimensional character, but at least he looked threatening. In fact, his entire militia looked like battle-hardened gunmen, just by the way their eyes and skulls were eeriely shaped. And although in the end the aliens did kinda suck at firing weapons, considering they couldn't even hit Archer in a massive EV suit, ducking below some open-ended kitchen utensils, I do feel this new race has a lot of potential at becoming the next equivalent of the Klingon empire (considering they've kept the Klingons as idiots in the Enterprise series). This all culminated in a predicatable yet tense moment, where the Catwalk's manifolds or whatever are firing up to cook the crew, and in all honesty, if I was writing this episode, I wouldn't have changed a thing... although I guess that shows a lack of imagination on my behalf more than praise for this episode, but that's besides the point... and, wow. I really have a lot of points beside the point this week, but that's also besides the point..."

"Unfortunately for me, the sweetness of Buffy turned a bit too sour and a little too bittersweet by the time Enterprise arrived on the air. I was anticipating that this week's episode, Dawn, would capture and captivate me as much as Darmok did in The Next Generation (in which Picard has to work with an alien that the Univeral Translator couldn't communicate with), or even as much as Dawn did this week when she was talking to Andrew. But I guess Showtime desensitized me a bit too much thanks to its cinderella, cinderblock violence, as Dawn simply didn't have enough kiss-kiss, bang-bang crap going on to keep Mr. Trekkie me interested. Archer had very few lines, T'Pol had nothing to say except compliment the captain for once for making good racial relations, and the rest of the crew were relegated to the outside perimeter of the camera, or in the case of Mayweather, reserved for just a witty line from the all-too-prevalent, Trip Tucker the third... That's not to say, however, that I'm no longer a Tucker fan. He's still my favourite Trek character since the Doctor, or even Picard or Data, but considering I didn't like his little night in sickbay with the princess, I was kind of sure I wouldn't like his dawn with some brutish alien who didn't look a thing like Dawn... However, even though the basic premise of the story was... um... basic, and kinda redundantly redux or done before, it had enough little touches that sort of made this episode worthwhile to watch. I did like the use of the Arkonian's or however you spell it's vomit, and I was pleasantly surprised to learn that this super, almighty alien did have one disadvantage compared to us humans: it couldn't sweat it out on the mountain top. Although Trip working together with whatever the alien's name was, was rather predictable and expected, I did enjoy their little flight or fight, where Trip was ironically taken down, football tackle style... and as simple of a concept as this was, I must give kudos to the writers for inventing a new way to nod. Now every time I have to itch the side of my head without the use of my hands, I can just smile and alien nod so nobody's ever the wiser, but I digress... Short story short, there was really nothing I really enjoyed about Dawn, except the thought about being in Dawn, but I guess I shouldn't have said that... I guess I am just real horny this week, after watching the Kid... although please don't make me explain that one, because it already doesn't sound too good..."

"Finally, the last episode on my list to review is Enterprise's "Stigma", which actually outranks The Changeling in terms of quality episodes I've watched this week (although Angel's "Soulless" was probably the best TV I've watched since Angel's "Spin the Bottle"). Simply put, I've haven't been this gripped by an Enterprise episode since last year's Shuttlepod One, as Jolene Blalock put in a stellar performance, conveying more emotion with her facial expressions alone than Spock or Tuvok or even Data could ever do with words. I loved the fact that she has become human enough to stand up for what she believes in, refusing to tell the truth about the mind-meld rape, even if it could save her career. In fact, I even felt bad at her at the end, when the Vulcan doctor defended her against his wishes, as if her principles actually had meaning to me or some sentimental crap like that... Archer gave a fine performance as well, as his anger and loyalty towards his first officer really showed that a bond of trust was developing between them, as the Star Trek writers have wanted since the Original Series days. It was great how he got over his feelings of being lied to at the start, only to find the courage to defend her at a trial reminiscent of The Next Generation's "Measure of a Man", although this episode never quite lived up to the latter's landmark... As for the other characters, although many on the internet thought the B-plot ruined the seriousness of T'Pol's telepathic disease, I personally thought Tucker facing polygamy contrasted the A-plotline rather well. I laughed at the pun, where Hoshi said Feezal was pulling Trip's leg, and I can really see the chemistry forming between the cowboy and the Sato hottie... I enjoyed the brief seconds that Malcolm was on the screen, as it highlighted the friendship between him and Tucker that has been notably absent since Dead Stop... Mayweather as the injured, token black guy was alright I guess. He was the first to die in the series, and he's now the guy who always shows off his abs, which come to think of it, compliments Tucker and his Die Hard, underwear ways quite nicely, but I digress... If I had any problem with this episode, it was with Phlox. I was hoping that he would be the one to defend T'Pol at trial, as he hasn't had an episode centered around him since the one where Enterprise encounters a pre-warp society dying of a genetic plague, whatever that episode was called... But instead, after having a wonderful scene with the Vulcan doctors on the planet worthy of a Feezal smile, Phlox gets relegated to talking about wives he could've had to his wife in sickbay (although I loved the moments where he smiles at Feezal's hand on Tucker's shoulder, and when he roots Trip to go for the golden haired gold). I had high hopes that Phlox would get to shine yet again, as we have seen that that his actor is capable of so much. But alas, Enterprise was started and is stated as the Archer, T'Pol, and Tucker show, and although I now would like more Malcolm and Phlox episodes, I still think the above three characters are the best combo since the Next Generation first aired.

Overall, I loved Stigma, which is why I felt terrible at the backlash against this episode on the internet... Stigma was meant to be a commentary on AIDS in the world, since back in the 80s, North American society just left AIDs sufferers to die an outcast's death, unless they contracted the disease from rape or a blood transfusion or something. The thing on the internet though, was that critics tore apart Stigma and the Star Trek writers for being two decades too late. They ripped apart the episode for not being made in a period when it could have actually made a difference, before AIDs had won for Tom Hanks yet another academy award. The critics placed upon Stigma a stigma, claiming that it was more of a historical lesson than a noble lecture, but in all honesty, what's wrong with the former? Yes, its message may no longer be up to North American standard time and standards, but it was still a great episode in terms of acting, it was still a great episode in terms of character development, it was still a great episode in terms of computer effects and plotlines, and yet still the internet managed to find faults to exploit... The internet always finds faults to exploit... It's like complaining to them is a drug or something. Or what's more like a drug, are the drugs... the drugs needed to help the Ben afflicted in Africa, for example. Or perhaps the drugs we'll need one day when the next generation of viruses come along... because you never know... Perhaps this episode came two decades too late. Or perhaps it came two decades too early... not like that matters to anyone in the modern world wide web when it matters I suppose, when people deny episodes like Normal Again, the Killer in Me, and Stigma of praise, or even the slightest show of respect...

But now I sound like a bad mockumentary myself, lecturing readers that will never read this no-name website, so I guess I'd better shut up right about here... before my own stigma start bleeding all over my Charlie chapped gums, but I digress..."

"Which is kind of ironic when you think about it, considering this week's episode of Enterprise was one of the few where Archer didn't manage to get his shirt off... Nonetheless, although Andrew and Xander may have been disappointed, I was not. I personally loved Ceasefire, despite the one-dimensional nature of the supporting characters. Soval was pesky as usual, except at the end, where he merely called Archer "not overly meddlesome", and Shran was his usual self, albeit was a bit of naivete when it came to his first officer or whatever. The supporting crew of the Enterprise didn't fare much better either, as Reed just got to use the Tactical Alert for the first official time, Hoshi sat in her spot arbitrarily pushing and pulling dials, and Mayweather?... well, he didn't even get the opportunity to get injured this episode like every other episode, but I digress... At least Phlox had a decent moment with Archer, revealing that he served as a medic in war... But once again, the true trio of Enterprise (Archer, T'Pol, and Tucker) truly shone yet again, as Trip did an admirable job of siting and sitting the Enterprise between the really cool looking ships of the Vulcans and Andorians (although I personally thought the hardened look in the engineer's face was a little too overdone to actually be decent). And honestly, how can anyone hate a guy who wears flame retardant underwear and is retarded enough to actually talk about flaming it up?... Archer was his usual self, talking about the Federation without naming it, and doing his best to make both the Andorians and Vulcans look as illogical as possible compared to humanity... It was kind of hard for me to believe that he could sneak up on that female Andorian so easily (no-one was covering her back?), but all was forgiven when he tripped and fell down a hole, only to slug her in the face with a vicious right that Dawn's Trip would be proud of... And T'Pol stole the show yet again with a couple of great scenes. Her worrisome look off to the side told all as she noticed how unprepared Archer was in the shuttlepod. And her conflicted feelings when chatting with Soval about her career on Enterprise truly were gratifying to me, if only because she's the first actor in the long time that has been able to convey trust without cheesy words... And all in all, Ceasefire was a brilliant episode built on a brilliant effort, and although it was a bit too predictable how the Andorian woman would end up as a traitor, I certainly did appreciate her point of view, as it's sadly but not too strangely more than common in the world today."

"But while Buffy just wasn't as Buffilicious as Lin this week, Enterprise definitely was. Future Tense, if that was what the episode was called, wasn't just action tense, and it wasn't just intellectually tense, but it was sexually tense as well, and the trio of these three all combined together made one hell of a show... I laughed at both of the sexual innuendo moments that I could spot-with-my-dick, the first being when T'Pol had a Pillarian slip of her own, mentioning that Vulcans probably couldn't mate with humans, and at the end of the episode, where she comments that the High Command will probably believe in time travel before the idea of humans ever marrying Vulcans... That's one thing I love about Enterprise. The writers took such an innocent plotline, like a wee little ship from the future landing like a mine in the middle of a scavenger hunt, and turned it upside down and on its side into an X-Files sort of "shipper" episode. And, well... I for one would've never guessed that Phlox's simple discovery of Vulcan DNA in the human pilot's corpse could've caused T'pol to reassess her notions so damn much and so damn well, but that's what I love about Enterprise. Because it's the simple things in writing you treasure... And while T'Pol once again excelled at her exemplary display of mixed emotions, I also found her scene in the mess hall to be rather delightful with Phlox, as they both juxtaposed their philosophies on life in a way of the warrior that actually worked. I thought it was rather fitting that he would embrace surprises while she embraced logic, while the rest of the Enterprise crew probably fits in between...

Archer was kind of sub-standard fare throughout most of the episode, although he really shined to me in the final moments. As simple of an idea as it was, the simple fact that time was looping while he and Reed were readying the warhead was so damn ingenious that it actually did make the scene seem so damn more tense, like a twist on a dynamite timer or some Western crap like that. I mean, who would've thought of such an innovative tick-tock of a Big Ben timer, without Owen Wilson hanging by the minute hand I mean, in which the Enterprise crew loses the race for once, simply because time is literally against them?... As for the rest of the crew, I think they all did admirable jobs, even Mayweather, who got to fire phase cannons for once for some damn reason. I will admit however that Hoshi deserved better this episode, as she was relegated to pretty much arbitrarily pushing and dialing knobs in her own corner of the galaxy... but here's hoping for a bright future for her, because it can't rain all the time, except in London, although if it does, pray to God it does on her's and Lin's bare tops, and that it gives me the chance to make them rain all the time down below, oy oy oy, but, um, that's besides the point... and top de bottom, and bottom de top, Trip Tucker the third truly was at the peak of his game in Future Tense. I loved the look on his face when he stared down the pod's shaft and saw that the inside of the ship was far larger than the outside. I loved his mention of the Stegosaurus, and the gaze on his face when he realized the time loop. I loved the intrigue he wore on his brow when he first heard the future beacon beeping and bleeping and cursing to wherever or whenever it was going to go. I loved his mention of the Stegosaurus, and the gaze on his face when he realized the time loop. I loved his talk with Malcolm before all that, with the analogy of knowing your future wife and living happily ever after. But most importantly, I loved his mention of the Stegosaurus, and the gaze on his face when he realized the time loop. Because Trip Tucker, ladies and gentleman, was truly the perfect package tonight... although, um, I guess I shouldn't have said that to the gentlemen in the crowd... or actually, as a supposed gentleman myself, I shouldn't have said anything like that at all, or risk being stung by stigmata of social stigmas, so maybe I should just shut up right about here..."

"Lastly, Enterprise three weeks ago gave us a forgettable episode. Canamar was exactly Con-Air in space, as it was even written by one of the movie's writers. Overall, there's not much I can say about the episode, except that although some of the acting was nice, there's not much else nice I can really say. Archer was the star yet again, although he lacked any sort of real edge that could've made his role stand out. He just played along with the criminal captain as he piloted the prison ship. Besides that, and his Kirk-like attempt of a rescue of the criminals at the end, there's not much to say. Tucker had some memorable moments at least, knocking out a Nausicaan, and telling the guy who wouldn't shut up to shut up. As for the rest of the cast? Even T'Pol had nothing to do. She didn't even get to threaten the police alien or whatever you want to call him. Mayweather got to press some buttons, Hoshi got to spout a few lines, and Malcolm just sat at his post. All in all, it was just another regular Enterprise episode if you asked me. The only thing else worth noting is that I found it odd how it didn't show the prison ship burning up in the atmosphere, until I realized that they probably cut that scene, if only not to piss off people after the Columbia incident. I also thought that Malcolm Reed finally got some aim back in his phase pistol (which supposedly has no recoil whatsoever, so he has no excuse for missing). The only reason he missed his shots was because the villain criminal guy was hiding behind the other prisoners at the time... and, well... I guess I do have one thing left to say. Archer did have one decent moment at the end, when he gives the police alien guy his pissed off report. It was a short moment, and a pretty insignificant moment at the end, but at least Archer seemed real for once. It seemed like a true response, not one told by a storyteller."

"But anyhew, why am I writing this update today? Because two episodes of Enterprise have gone by without even a whimper from me: The Crossing and Judgment. I'll try to keep these mini-reviews as short as possible, so short story short, the Crossing came up a little too short for me. I loved the intro sequence, where I was left wondering why an Enterprise-D sized ship with no crew and no warp drive would just swallow the Enterprise whole for no apparent reason, like Jona or Jonas Quinn or Pinnochio or whoever kind of crap, and I loved the design of the interior of the alien ship as well. But special effects aside, the episode came up lacking in the end. Tucker's performance as being possessed by a wisp of some sort was alright in the end, but really the only highlight of the night was possessed Reed telling T'Pol to undress, even though she was practically half naked already. As for the rest of the crew members? Hoshi didn't have much of a moment, except when she kicked like a little school girl when trying to trick Phlox with that broken leg of hers or something. Mayweather got to be the hero and the chicken at the same time, as he first fled from a wisp into the catwalk where sanctuary was found, and when he got his lights decked out by Tucker the possessed. Phlox was meant to have a moment or two in this episode, as he was supposed to end up the hero with that knob thingy at the end. But the so-called climax of the show was all talk and no go if you ask me, and the only Phlox moment I can really recall was when he sedated the not-very ass kicking Hoshi earlier on... T'Pol's only memorable moment came when she was partially possessed by the wisp, only to prove that her mind actually is more powerful than a human's for stupid, damn reasons. Besides that, I can't even remember any of her lines, although opening up Zelda that night might've had something to do with that... And as for Archer? Well, he just strutted around and demanded to have his crew back. Nothing that no other captain would do... except... um... don't get me wrong. I loved how for once, the Enterprise torpedoes could actually do visible damage to a ship, but, um... Archer knew the wisp race was dying out, and yet... he destroyed their entire ship?... cool... no wonder why the Federation has so many enemies in Kirk's time. Because Archer apparently tried to eliminate them all in the name of family honour...

It kind of feels strange, actually. How Enterprise truly has become the Archer and T'Pol show, even kicking Tucker out the spotlight for most nights. Now, don't get me wrong - usually, the combo of the two slash three ends up making me smile for the night in glee, as I enjoyed Judgment for the most part. But the problem with Judgment was, I hate to pass judgment, but it was purely an Archer episode and it kind of stings how to rest of the crew was left out of the show for God knows how many shows in a row... But casting the cast aside, Judgment was enjoyable to me, much more than the usual Klingon flick. Because first of all, the trial had a good atmosphere. I liked the little electroball thingy, and it was a nice touch how the Duras captain guy lied to protect his honour like all Duras guys did in the future. I also thought the judge's get-up was pretty cool, bordering on evil wizard while maintaining Microsoft Word or Worf style, unnecessarily long hair... The one key moment in the episode that truly stood out to me, was that despite watching the Klingons since the first incarnation of The Next Generation, I still failed to see them as anything but warriors, and it was almost a reality slap in the face when Mr. Advocate advocated to me the truth... and thus, the best character of the episode was by far Martok, or Kolos, or whatever the advocate's name was. Now, he was played a little too closely to DS9 Martok's personality for comfort, although he was pissed at the warrior class and not the aristocrat class as everyone's favourite general was. But still, the basic traits were there... you don't kick a man when he's down... or well done... or whatever... Where's the honour in that? And the thing was, Archer was honourable in this episode... a little too honourable if you ask me... He seemed to blend better with Klingons than Sisko and Picard ever did, as he drank bloodwine and tried targ and whatever else he tried to do. He was forceful to Klingons, exactly how he should be, and of course knew more about real honour than any Klingon there except for Martok or whatever. I almost preferred the Archer who proclaimed, "Death to the Empire!", because in the end, this episode seemed more like a friendly, family reunion with DS9 Klingons than it was a first real contact with the enemy... but either way, I enjoyed this episode, because the Kronus (I can't spell the actual 'Q' way or whatever of the Klingon homeworld) scenary was amazing, because the penal colony was a nice reminder of Star Trek 6 (the only original Trek movie that I liked, and still my favourite Trek movie to this day), and because Martok was a lovable guy as always. But did you note anything in my mini-review? That really none of the pros from this episode came from the real cast? And in a way, that's a problem... The episode was entertaining, yes. But Enterprise really can't keep doing this... keeping its crew left in the dark as we the viewers explore the pre-TOS universe all by ourselves..."

"Well, at least for us Trekkies, we can't resist a Vulcan Nerve Pinch or two... T'Pol was the second star of this week's Enterprise episode, Horizon, as she pulled off quite a bit of comedy for such a strait forward B-plotline (centered around a B movie). I felt her ssshushing of Dr. Phlox during the Frankenstein movie felt contrived, as even I can't sit still in a black and white movie these days... But her final dinner scene with Tucker and Archer? It was absolutely brilliant. As an outsider geek, I absolutely agreed with her that Frankenstein was the protagonist. But, um... I don't think I would've gone so far as to recommend the movie to her Vulcan superiors... she truly was the Bride of Frankenstein in that sense. She should have her own movie (in bloody Enterprise fullscreen quality... uggh...), although 50000 online sites dedicated to her should suffice for now... But really, Horizon was actually one of my favourite Enterprise episodes of the year not because of T'Pol, not because of my hero Tucker, and not because of Archer... but oddly enough, because of Mayweather, who's only pivotal moment on the show beforehand was acting as the dead guy in Dead Stop... But really, as hard as it is to believe, Mayweather finally did get a brilliant episode where he truly shined. I loved the return of the sweet spot, where Travis went to first relax and then to mourn. I loved the endearing looks his mother gave, as she really did seem human for a person who's been on a ship for so long. I especially liked the girl in the red T-shirt, although she really seemed to stand out of place in that scene, not just because she was wearing such vibrant colours, but because... um... why was she even in the episode? She was in just one scene, then disappeared... weird... unless it's for future romantic possibilities, reincarnated romantic possibilities that is, but I digress... I thought the scenes between Mayweather and his brother were played out very well as well. It took a long time for the episode to admit that they were a band of brothers, but you could actually tell just through the acting that the distance between them could only be formed by the closest of bonds. But most importantly, my favourite scene in the episode? It was when Mother Mayweather pointed out the chart of all the planets Travis wanted to visit as a child. It brought back fond memories of my childhood dreams (that stemmed from oh, about 5 minutes before the show started), as I made plenty of charts (and X-men rip-off cards) back in my day (well, road maps actually... to scale... but that's besides the point...). It was used for good measure too at the end of the episode, when the rebonding between the blood of brothers was short enough to actually feel real... between two proud guys who can't properly emit and admit their feelings like tachyon radiation, at least...

But strangely enough, in this Mayweather episode, there was just one problem... I loved the music, I loved the girls, I loved the mother, and I loved the brother... I even liked the set designs of the cargo ship... but, um... liking all the above, definitely was a problem... because the only problem with Horizon, was Travis Mayweather himself... compared to the warm, tender acting done by his mother, or the cold hearted distance played by his brother, Travis Mayweather felt completely outdone in terms of acting. Probably the only scene where he truly shined was when he was eating the strawberry or whatever food ration pack, and noted that the real stuff just didn't taste the same... So in the end, I guess this wasn't really a Travis Mayweather episode, but a 'Mayweather' episode, if you know what I mean... but still... it was such a great episode that it truly made me forget all about the Tucker, Archer, and T'Pol (TAT... not T & A though...) episodes in the recent past. And actually, now I'm set to jump on the opposite bandwagon and claim that Enterprise has truly been fair to its supporting actors and actresses. Reed got both Shuttlepod One and Mine Field. Phlox got whatever that plague episode last year was called, and A Night in Sickbay to some extent... Mayweather now has Horizon and Fortunate Sun, although he'd probably want to scratch the latter off his resume... and Hoshi?... and, um... Hoshi?... well... she was the first to sleep with an alien on the show, and got to prance around Enterprise half naked, which is good enough for me... So you see? Everyone on Enterprise is given a fair chance... unless I'm forgetting someone, but I guess it doesn't matter if I am..."

"And, well... besides Buffy... and besides wrestling... and besides actually looking for a job... and awaiting virtual, visual orgasms again while in anticipation of E3... I really have nothing better to do than watch Enterprise now that school's over... and from the look of things, it seems the Enterprise writers saved the best for last. The episode from two weeks ago, The Breach, was remarkable to me, if only because the shots of the cave climbing made the caverns seem enormous, even though I really knew they were just shooting the same wall over and over again from different angles. I also enjoyed how everyone got a crack at doing something in this episode... well, except for Hoshi, of course... Mayweather got to be the hero... and the injured black guy yet again... I can't remember any of Malcolm's lines anymore, but I do remember Tucker getting real pissed at the Denubulan Scientists, which was good enough for me... too bad he didn't actually shoot them in the ass when they were climbing Spiderman style, but I digress... Archer got to play tough guy again, as he even risked war by targeting the enemy bombing raids. I forget what T'Pol got to do this episode, but even if she didn't have much, she'll always have a host of episodes in the future, not to mention she'll always have Paris... But overall, the true star of The Breach was Dr. Phlox, as he truly did get to shine for the first time since Dear Doctor... hell, they even mentioned the doctor friend in Dear Doctor this episode, if only to point out that it was finally Phlox's time again... and although I thought some scenes felt rushed (Phlox started talking about his children a little too quickly to the Antaran if you ask me), and some scenes had too many extraneous phrases to be curt and powerful (the spinning scene in the messhall with T'Pol, I mean), I did thoroughly take delight in the fact that Phlox is not perfect. He has biases, as do we all. He has prejudices, maybe even hatred, as he stormed out of Sickbay simply from some small words from the Antaran... but just like I always fear I'm racist, I end up trying my best to prove that I'm not (even if proving that I'm not racist ironically makes me racist). And it was great to see this exemplified through Phlox, who tried his best to teach his children exactly the opposite of what his grandparents taught him. John Billingsley (I hope I spelled his name right) has been said to be as great as Patrick Stewart at making any line, no matter how cheesy, seem so meaningful. And although The Breach was not a perfect episode, the right blend of the A and B plotlines mixed with Phlox's acting, resulted in one of the better Enterprise shows of the year.

Which leads me to Cogenitor, last week's episode of Enterprise. The thing is, Cogenitor should've been a great episode, as it reminds me of the great Next Generation episode, where Riker finds a woman in a race of no sexes... the thing was, I hated that TNG episode... and while I don't hate Cogenitor, I thought it's melodramatic message was a bit too preachy and a bit too annoying for my tastes. Nevertheless, I'll give the episode credit where credit is due, and quite frankly, if I did like sermonizing in shows, I would've loved Cogenitor as if I had two sexes to get in bed with... which, um, actually, we do, but that's besides the point... Mayweather and Hoshi once again sat on the sidelines, but Malcolm got to play comic relief boy this week. I loved the look on his face when that Vissian women claimed Enterprise's missiles were antiquated, but quaint. It was a great line in terms of phallic aggression, and it was a true line because... well... it seems that even modern US Patriot Missiles are better than the crap that Enterprise shoots out, but I digress... Archer didn't have anything meaningful to do until the end of the episode, but his chemistry with Tomalak, the Vissian captain, or whatever his name was truly did stand out. Both of them being pilots, and both of them being explorers, made for a hell of a ride with some amazing special effects this episode. From the wave that Archer flew through, to the orange hum of a gassy glow through the Enterprise windows, to even the touch of the Vissian quoting Shakespeare, it truly did seem like some real people bonding was going on in this episode... especially with Trip and "Charles", as the third sex member chose its name to be... like I said before, if I enjoyed sermonizing in television shows, I would've loved this episode, as I can plainly recognize the huge, moral dilemma this episode posed. It was obvious that the third sex person was being oppressed. It had no name. It had no function rather than to eat and copulate. It was a sex slave, without all the drool-worthy attention that sex slaves on earth get, but that's besides the point... and yet we all knew that Trip shouldn't have interfered. The Vissian population was only 3% congenitors, meaning that if the third sex was given the right to choose to love before mating, the Vissian population would decline to nearly the point of extinction. Not to mention the cultural ramifications of a Cogenitor possibly teaching all other Cogenitors to stand up for human rights, although I find it ridiculous that such a peaceful race of explorers would treat their own race with no rights whatsoever... Nevertheless, this contrast in the Vissians was what made this episode great in a sense: they were the nicest people Enterprise has met, yet they didn't even see the slavery right under their noses.

Which is why, when Tucker said he only did what he thought Archer would do, we the viewers all knew he was right to some extent. Archer has meddled in almost every culture he's encountered. However, Archer had screwed up enough times already to realize that he wasn't setting a proper example... And when he was talking to the engineering couple, the captain of the Enterprise even seemed to start agreeing with Tucker's point of view, but he did the only thing he could do, and that was to give the Cogenitor back to save first contact, even though abandoning a plea for asylum goes against every human right we know of... And the question remains, who was really responsible? Tucker, for doing the right thing at the wrong time? Archer, for sending the Cogenitor back to its people, even through suicide was a possibility? Or the Vissians, for not respecting the right for asylum? Or T'pol, for acting half as a jealous girlfriend to Tucker again, even when he wasn't with a woman per say, but that's besides the point... Which is why this episode was great... or would've been great, if I liked paradoxical, no win scenario messages like this episode had. But alas, this kind of stuff is just not my cup of tea. I may have liked Phlox's acting in The Breach, but in the review above, notice I didn't even mention the idea of Nazi war criminals, or even how the episode reminded me of my parent's own disdain for the Japanese from WW2... Because I prefer episodes with quaint missiles. I like episodes where the Borg invade or some crap like that..."

"It only takes a few decent scenes to get me to like an episode... and the thing was, this week's episode of Enterprise, Regeneration, laid all my fears aside and had so many damn joygasm moments for me that I can proudly say that it is probably my favourite Enterprise episode yet (although Broken Bow part 1, was better done to some extent). I was apprehensive at first, that the Borg would ruin continuity by showing up on Enterprise. But now that I've seen Regeneration? I don't care what the internet says. These Borg were not Voyager Borg. There was no Borg Queen. There was no Unimatrix or Unibrow, weak collective link. And most importantly of all, there was no goddam Janeway to take on the whole damn collective... These Borg were the real deal, as the only reason they failed in their assimilation of the quadrant was because there simply was not enough time. That's what was great with Regeneration. Even without a ticking bomb timer like Faith found at the end of Touched, there was a sense of morbid dread as time trickled down in this week's Enterprise episode, because we the viewers knew the truth... given a few more days, that Warp 1.4 transport would be soaring space at Warp 9.99, with a strong enough Borg electromagnetic field to take down the entire damn Alpha Quadrant within weeks... And I mean honestly, how can a real Trekker not love an episode where the Borg cutting beam finally makes a return? How can a Trekkie not love an episode where the Borg mutate a perfectly pacifist transport into a Star Wars Corvette or some warship crap like that? And who here can't love an episode where the Borg fall prey to transporters and bombs, their age old weakness from as far back as Q Who?... The musical score to Regeneration was simply astounding as well, as it was played with an ever increasing pitch that seemed to echo the hell march to war. And thanks to all this, I was literally trembling by the end of the episode. I was literally shaking like my sound system, although that may have something to do with the fact that it's so frickin' cold in my basement, I don't know... All I know is that I absolutely loved Regeneration, almost as much as I love the Borg... as long as they're done justice... They were the reason I became a Trekkie in the first place. They were my First Contact with the Star Trek universe. And truth be told, Regeneration truly gave us the Best of Both Worlds, and now stands as my third favourite Borg show ever (behind Best of Both Worlds and Scorpion, tied with Dark Frontier, and ahead of I Borg and First Contact).

The cast all did brilliant work in this episode... well, except for Mayweather, who was as good as cloaked again that is... because I mean, even Hoshi got something to do, as she looked ever adorable with a phase pistol as she fed her first season slug to worms or whatever... Tucker didn't have much to say, but he definitely did look concerned as he worked away at those Borg circuits. Reed got to have a slap happy time, as he got to fire at anything that moved, and blow up anything that didn't, no questions asked. I also enjoyed his batting of the Tarkalean Borg on the back of the head, as I really did think that poor Red Shirt was going to be assimilated... just like Phlox had been, as the dear doctor got his third episode in a row where he got to shine, as it was plainly obvious to me the subjected yet subverted fear in his eyes when he realized he had been "infected" with the nanites. And his increasingly mechanized and monotonous voice as the nanites wore on, brought to mind the dread I first felt when Captain Picard was assimilated by Jason Stryker... or, um, as Locutus of Borg, I mean... And if there was one problem with this episode, it was that Phlox managed to win the battle against the Nanites. I accept that his immune system combined with lethal doses of omicron radiation could slow the nanites down, but destroy them? I wish the writers had claimed the destruction of the Borg transport was what saved Phlox in the end, but that's just one, small nitpick for an old school Borg fan like me... Because literally every scene in Regeneration had my jaw hanging out, salivating for more, as if I was the embodiment of Porthos as Picard is to Xavier. When Archer revealed that Cochrane did reveal the truth about First Contact, somehow, I just knew that I had been completely assimilated by this episode... and when T'Pol reminded us that Zephram was frequently intoxicated? Somehow, she did the impossible and made me almost like First Contact as a movie, because now it felt real rather than segregated like an X-man on ice... I couldn't recommend Regeneration enough to even my non-Trekkie friends, and I can't recommended it enough to you two readers out there either. It truly did regenerate in me my love for Star Trek, or at least my loathing of the Borg.

The only real complaint on the internet about this episode, is the nerdy nitpick that "why doesn't Professor Xavier Picard just look up info on the Borg from Archer's time before Best of Both Worlds?"... and there's also the fickle problem of 24th century Borg taking so damn long to adapt to primitive phase pistols on the Borg transport, even after they adapted to the guns left on Enterprise (but at least it wasn't as bad as in Best of Both Worlds part 2, when Worf and Data had seemingly unlimited shots)... but as long as you're open minded and willing enough to set these continuity issues aside, what you'll have left is an absolutely astounding, heart wretching, Blackbird suspending episode, that damn well works because we know the truth. We know what the Borg are capable of. Archer and Enterprise do not... it's a tricky premise to handle, when the crowd knows more than the crew. But when it's done right? When we know the team is walking into a trap? When we know the researchers were opening up a Pandora's Box?... it results in the best television on screen, period... and quite frankly, contrary to everything I had assumed just weeks ago, I enjoyed Regeneration more than I ever could've imagined, and far more than I ever could savour X2... until I get my second morsel of an X2 viewing however, when Hemingway vs Shakespeare can finally shift gears and ring the bell for round 2, but for the last time, I digress..."

"But anyhew, enough with the Nintendo Gamecube reviews that nobody will ever read. I would write my Buffy the Vampire Slayer review now, but I think I'll save that for tomorrow or something, by lumping and humping End of Days with my upcoming Chosen review or something. In the meantime, while waiting for IvanF's double your pleasure, double your fun Buffy whammy, it turned out that we got a double dose of Enterprise this week... half for the better, and half for the worst, I'm afraid... I'll try to be brief on First Flight, the first of the two episodes, since there's really not much I can say about it. It was a three man show, and one of those men wasn't even part of the main cast. And yet I couldn't help but enjoy this episode, even if it moved along at a predictable pace. I've always been a fan of warp drive, and I personally thought all those Warp 2 tests in First Flight were a nice homage to the men and women who died in the Columbia crash... As for the characters in the episode, T'Pol got to shine every time she looked out the window yonder like a puppy dog who really does likes science, but besides her heart-warming "compliment" of naming the dark matter nebula after AG Robinson, she really wasn't given many lines. Tucker didn't get to do much either, but I loved his chemistry with Ruby in the past, as I really think those two could really work together (which I think they tried, as mentioned in Shuttlepod One, but don't quote me on that one). And I couldn't help but slap my fist on my head when I learned the truth about his name being "Trip"... Charles Tucker, the "Third", I mean... it's so damn obvious, and so damn corny, that I couldn't help but love it as I demanded to myself, why oh captain why I couldn't figure it out myself... As for Archer, he actually played a good "by the book" kind of guy, which was completely opposite to how Captain Picard was in his youth. I even felt like Jonathan was the exact opposite of his current boy scout self while directing AG in the flight control room, although his attempts at trying to look concerned with the destruction of the NX ship was kind of laughable, not laudable... Archer and Robinson got to inflict some good punches on each other, which every guy knows is absolutely the best way for us to bond. And I must admit, even though he seemed strangely out of place in the Star Trek world, AG Robinson turned out to be a great character in the end, as I almost felt sad when he told Archer, "see you out there", because we knew the truth that he wouldn't... Although the competitive spirit between the two was cliche, as even I used to write in my stories back in grade 8 lines like, "God knows you could use the practice", I still thought it worked well in this episode... but maybe I just have a soft spot for flashbacks and nostalgia or some crap like that... or burgeoning, bourgeois hope that maybe I can be a bad Star Trek writer one of these days...

But while I adored First Flight, I really couldn't love T'Pol like she would love me during Pon Farr, and I really couldn't love Bounty like I hoped I would. First of all, it never helps when an episode is named after a paper towel company... and secondly, while I thought the Tellerite's make-up was pretty damn done well for Star Trek, it was just too cliche to me that Skalaar or whatever his name was had a heart of pure gold. He loved his cargo ship, and was willing to make deals with the devil to get his ship back from the devil. And while I guess he should be admired if Star Trek were reality, on television the Tellerite was just a bore to watch, as even the look of disdain on his brother's face couldn't save this plotline from feeling just a little too bit overdone and ripe. Archer really didn't do anything in this episode that he didn't do in Canamar, as the only moment that I can really remember him in was when he purposely started busting the Tellerite's engines. I actually was surprised that Boy Scout Archer wouldn't magically fix everything just to gain his captor's trust, but I guess Archer did learn a thing or two from First Flight... what that lesson was, I may never know... And I thought his escape from the Klingon ship was decent, if not a little too easy. It annoyed me how he was able to beat off a Klingon with barely his bare hands, although I guess Klingons have become pathetic after repeated beatings on Deep Space 9. I also was annoyed that the Enterprise was able to not just fend against the Klingon ship, but was able to cripple it as well. Although I'm sure the writers will claim eventually that the ship Archer was on was just a weak transport or something, it would've helped if they mentioned it in the episode... Overall, although I was pleased that the writers had brought forth a direct follow up to the events of Archer's trial in Judgment, I unfortunately couldn't enjoy the episode... not even with its B (and definitely A-class) plot...

I've been waiting for a nice Pon Farr episode, as yes, I even enjoyed the Voyager one where Torres goes into heat... But the thing was, Bounty was not a real Pon Farr episode, even with B'Elanna behind the helm. It was a teaser, as it teased us with T'Pol rubbing her legs with gel, it teased us with T'pol eating with her hands while eyeing Tucker (which has meaning to me, somehow... the eating, I mean...), and of T'Pol making it painfully clear that she knows that Malcolm Reed likes her bum... even though he hasn't mentioned anything since first season ended... And while I didn't enjoy the Pon Farr scenes nearly as much as I wanted to (I wanted a fist fight between Archer and Tucker for T'Pol's hand in non-sanctioned and unsacrimonious, moaning marriage, but alas, all we got was T'Pol running around in her undies and getting shot with phallic phase pistols), I must admit that my friend messaged me soon after, telling me that Bounty was his favourite Enterprise episode yet... I assume he wrote me that with a straight face... and while I personally can't agree with him, how can I possibly argue that Bounty sucks, if the target male audience can't get enough of T'Pol sucking on Malcolm's pistol?... and besides, on a positive note, I did like Phlox's talk of Denubulan males being rather inhibited, despite their tendency to have multiple wives, as it did make some of the earlier scenes more tolerable... So as long as decent acting is involved, and as long as we can see more sweat, bring on the pain I say... or at least, bring back the love triangle thing with more Pon Farr episodes whenever the future's comes to an end... I'll be waiting for Tucker and T'Pol, sharing his cigar in bed..."

"But apparently, Sony isn't the only hype machine going around these days... This Enterprise review of mine may be a week late, but I do have reasons for being so lame ass slow, no matter how weak those reasons may be... Obviously, the end of Buffy filled my writing schedule last week. And besides, the Enterprise season finale sort of left me a wee bit disappointed... That's not to say in the end that The Expanse was not a good episode. I in fact enjoyed it quite a lot. The problem was, it felt more like a teaser phaser trailer of the next year of Enterprise, rather than its own episode. Last year, the cliffhanger of Shockwave left me screaming for me, but this year? Although I wish the Enterprise season never ended, I also wished that the finale could've done the same job that last year's finale did for me... I wanted The Expanse to create a sense of hype and hyper dread in me. Instead, I found it a decent season opener, but not a season closer as I was hoping it would be.

The special effects in Expanse were truly top notch. If the Xindi probe devastating Florida wasn't spectacular enough, the shot of Tucker and Reed standing by the resultant chasm should be enough to stand its own in comparisons to even Star Trek Nemesis. And the space battles against the Duras Klingon ships were among the best battles Enterprise has done yet, although the L4 loop or whatever that Mayweather did in the nebula cloud should have been an easy maneuver that any enemy race would predict... even a Klingon... And you should've heard me cheer when the Enterprise finally replaced their beyond crappy conventional torpedoes with photon ones, even though it irked me how just back in Cogenitor, Malcolm claimed he never heard of photonic weaponry (I guess he just has a bad memory though, considering Hoshi told him about photon torpedoes a year ago on a Klingon ship). And even though the battle was simplistic, how could I not get giddy like Malcolm and smile when Archer ordered to up the yield ante by 50%? And I might as well mention here that the Klingon bird of prey designs were very well done, as they looked like a nice mix between future Birds of Prey and Battlecruisers...

Aesthetically, The Expanse is a near perfect episode. But as an actual episode? Somehow, things felt rushed... I mean, I was surprised by the appearance of the Suliban, and it was a nice touch that the Future Guy suddenly sided with Archer against the Xindi faction or whatever (unless he's pulling a wee WWE swerve on them...). But after that, the Suliban mysteriously disappeared from the episode, and honestly, it might've made the episode feel more coherent if simply Daniels had told Archer about the attack instead... The Klingons were fun to watch, but overall, they posed no threat whatsoever. They tore apart the Enterprise at first, but with more earth ships on the horizon, you knew that Duras stood no chance... although it was surprising that he died, as the destruction of a Klingon ship could signal a war by the time the Enterprise returns from the Delphic Expanse... And the Xindi themselves? Since we only got to see a dead one, I can't say they're a threatening race yet. And it was kind of stupid for them to make a probe rather than a big bomb, considering they had all the time in the world to make one, as earth had no clue that they even existed... in the end, the Xindi reminded me of terrorists, striking down civilians without going for military targets. Of course, unlike terrorists, I'm sure their technology will be far more potent than the US-like Enterprise's in the Delphic Expanse, but that's besides the point...

Each character got a moment or two in this episode... more or less... except for Hoshi, who hopefully will get to be more than the useless hottie on the bridge next season... I mean, even Mayweather got to be the hero at the helm again, as he pulled off a loop at full impulse speeds (which shouldn't be hard with inertial dampeners, but I digress...). Phlox got a couple of good moments for the fifth episode in a row, as he got to scream at a Vulcan for ethics in one scene, and reveal his loyalty to the captain in another. Reed got to have a hell of a lot of fun with his torpedoes, until he realized they no longer could hurt Duras' ship from in front. Malcolm also got some touching moments with Tucker, talking about memorials this and movie theatres that, moments that rekindled their friendship that has been missing in action since Dead Stop. But the real star of the show goes to Charles Tucker, who did a hell of a job of going from innocent voyageur at the start, to disbelief grief, to disgruntled millennium soldier by the end (although his transformation between the three states was a little too quick, thanks to months skipped on television in the dry docks). I loved his anger when he told Malcolm to get the weapons ready so they could blow the Xindi out of the skies (although we all know how pathetic photon torpedoes will be in the end...). I loved his little death march rant about not tip-toeing around in the expanse. I also noted along with Archer that he seemed to have grown very fond of T'Pol, who might I add had some decent scenes this episode as well. I liked her moments with Phlox and Soval, as she did a good job of conveying mixed and shared loyalties to the two. I also did like the way she half pouted to Archer to keep her on the bridge, although the captain sort of ruined that moment with his Kirk-like, righteous stuttering speaking... Actually, considering the gravity of the situation (the weight of the world, actually), Jonathan Archer didn't seem like he cared very much. He didn't look like a boy scout when he was aweing the NX-02, but he certainly didn't seem like a man prepping for war with a military team on board his ship. He certainly did seem aggravated when he heard of the attack on earth, and I did like how couldn't say much about it, but in later scenes, the death toll seemed like just old news to him (then again, the attacks in Iraq already seem like old news to us, so...). And like I state earlier, his inability to speak anything but George Bushian English during his talk with T'Pol about her quitting the High Command, kind of ruined the scene for me... but hell, how can you not snicker and relish a character who tells useless Duras to 'go to hell'? It was probably the highlight of the episode for me, and I would be lying if I said a tingle of excitement didn't shiver my spine when they crossed the threshold into the expanse... I really hope that I'll enjoy this year long arc for Enterprise. I just pray, the show doesn't turn into 24 or some 24/7 crap like that...

And thus closes the final chapter on the sophomore season of Enterprise. I personally fell in love with Enterprise the first moments I watched it last year, and the second season was no different. It is officially my favourite Trek series since The Next Generation, and already I'm enjoying its seasons more than anything but the third and fourth of TNG (and maybe the 6th and 7th of DS9)... and, well... just to tell you few no-name readers out there, next week, before the new season of Stargate starts, I'll be rehashing and sort of re-reviewing the best episodes out of all the series I've watched this year: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Stargate, and Enterprise. It won't be much of a review, but at least it'll be something to start the real summer-of-no-more-slayage off..."