IvanF's Uninformed Reviews of the Third Season of Star Trek: Enterprise (2003-2004)...

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- IvanF's Archived, Cut & Paste, No-Name Reviews of
The Third Season of Star Trek: Enterprise (2003 - 2004) -
(The Xindi Arc, The Sphere Builders, Actual Continuity(!), Archer gets his hands dirty,
Reed and the MACOs get their fists dirty, T'Pol and Trip get the entire show dirty, Azati Prime, The Xindi Weapon)

Without a doubt, Berman and Braga have done their fair share of destroying the Star Trek franchise (Insurrection and Voyager, anyone?). And I'm sure Paramount and Viacom are scheming up even as we speak, new ways to soil and toil and Kill Bill bury the Star Trek name once and for all...

But Braga and Berman definitely get more flack than they deserve from the fans. Afterall, I loved the first two seasons of Enterprise, as if a dingo had eaten my baby, and B&B were also responsible for some of the greatest Star Trek seasons to ever grace the small screen as well. Seasons 3 and 4 of The Next Generation, and seasons 4 and 6 of Deep Space Nine will forever stand the test of the time as some of the best Trek ever produced.

I admit it, I had my apprehensions about the new direction for the show at first. I mean, I already loved the Enterprise cheesy formula of exploring brave new worlds, and I already hated all the damn arc shows out there (24, Alias) stealing the thunder and ratings from my precious Star Trek... But Berman and Braga proved me wrong, on almost every single account. Because Enterprise's third season was perhaps one of the best Star Trek seasons ever produced in the history of Star Trek, even beating out Deep Space Nine's seventh and final season, in my opinion at least...

The Xindi Arc of Enterprise season three started out slow and sluggish, with semi-awful episodes like The Xindi, Extinction, and Exile. But even at the arc's worst, the episodes of the season were still some of the best. Almost no episode in the entire season was boring to me, and even if some were, I can't even remember feeling disappointed thanks to episodes like Anomaly, Twilight, Stratagem, and Azati Prime to fill the void and favour the bold.

The villains of the season, The Xindi, may have ripped off Star Wars in almost every single facade of their technology (hyperspace vortexes, underwater shuttles, giant Death Spheres... need I go on?). And some will definitely criticize the series, for making the Xindi Reptillians into stereotypical, moustaced muscle-bound idiots, with no real sense of purpose and multi-dimensional motives whatsoever... But while the Reptillians did prove to be a non-threat next to the events in Raijin, I must admit that the rest of the Xindi cast really grew on me... The Arboreal Xindi were slow and wise, enough so that that they were the first to help humanity out with our survival. The Xindi Insectoids were as stereotypical as the Reptillians at first, but their language definitely gave Hoshi's talents a real purpose this season. The Xindi Aquatics had some of the best ship designs since even TNG, and they were definitely one of the most innovative species to come out of Trek in a very long time... And while the Xindi primates were nothing new, I must admit that Degra turned out to be one of the greatest reoccurring guest stars of the entire series. His performances in Stratagem and The Council were nothing short of astonishing... And was it not in pure Trek nostalgic form, that the man who created the weapon to destroy earth, ended up giving his life in an attempt to save our people? While I wish the Reptillian Xindi were given more facets (rather than just being straight out evil, as seen in Carpenter Street), the rest of the Xindi Council more than made up for this small fault line of the season. Having five races all evolve on the same planet (six if you count the Avians, who provided a wonderful source of commentary in The Council) was a brilliant extension of the events of Dear Doctor, and led to the Xindi being far more interesting than the Suliban ever were.

And the real heroics of the season, was that it gave for once every single member of the cast and crew something meaningful to do. Nearly ever actor and actress on the show had a character arc (although some were rather ignored until the latter third of the season)... Mayweather never got an entire episode devoted to himself this season, but he had more lines and more Galaxy-Quest type of "you're-the-man" kind of piloting gigs than he has ever had before... Hoshi got to put on a dramatic performance in Exile, and got to prove her strong-willed worth once again in the season finale of Zero Hour... Reed didn't get nearly enough time fraternizing with Trip or anyone, but I still loved their conversation in Hatchery. And over the latter course of the Xindi Arc, Reed's rivalry with Hayes started turning into real respect, in a way that truly was believable and almost tragic to the audience... Phlox never got an episode of the Dear Doctor calibre this year, but he definitely proved his acting chops again throughout the season, providing believable technobabble wherever he was sent. From transdimensional beings, to finally being on the bridge in an emergency, the only thing truly missing from the doctor's resume this season was an Original Series type of moral dilemma episode (Similitude only partially counts, since Archer and Trip were the focus, not Phlox)... And Captain Archer truly became a believable and respectable captain this season. It was painfully obvious and extremely well done how he slowly but ever surely started segregating himself from the rest of the crew for the sake of the mission. Hell, it wasn't even until Countdown that he sat down with Trip and T'Pol again, and finally had a good meal and laugh. And for every bad Archer episode like Hatchery, there were really absolutely brilliant moments littered throughout the entire season. From his conscious choice to torture a man in an airlock, to killing three Xindi in cold blood, to stealing a warp coil from an innocent species, to refusing Daniels twice in the face of ever sacrificing another crewman for himself, Archer was truly the man all season long. It almost hurt how distant he was becoming from Trip, but damn was I glad when his attraction to T'Pol just faded away on the sidelines (although Twilight did give a boner to the Archer/T'Pol shippers out there...).

The real story of the season was the Trip and T'Pol budding romance though... Now, I knew these crazy cats would finally get together right from the get go. Their decon scene alone in the series premiere screamed out for romantic chemistry. And the "she's a Vulcan" comment in Shuttlepod One from Trip when asked if T'Pol was attractive? His cluelessness was a dead giveaway to perhaps the best Trek romance ever formed... Now, I admit that the neuropressure sessions early on in the season did nauseate me in ways that only the forced B'Elanna and Paris romance ever did (and I refuse to accept that Chakotay and Seven could ever get involved...). And I also admit that it's kind of strange how the T/T relationship in Hatchery was basically founded on a Vulcan drug addiction... But there is simply no denying that these two characters have so much chemistry with each other, that it sincerely melts my cold mountain, bastardized heart on screen... I chuckled when they repeated each other's lines out of jealousy in Hatchery. I sang along with Trip in E2 when he was so damn proud of himself for manufacturing a palm tree. And when T'Pol finally admitted her age to Trip in the potential series finale of Zero Hour?... I don't know why these two characters just get under my skin, to the point where I wish they'd just get under each other's skin one more time. I've never been a fan of romances on the television screen - not even TNG romances could ever move me, although Picard and Crusher did have some ignored chemistry... But there's just something about T'Pol. There's just something about marry - her marrying Trip, I mean... the two really sizzled Star Trek in the third season of Trek. And thank God a fourth season was finally greenlighted, because this is one green-blooded romance that I do not want to see fade away...

The strongest aspect of the third season of Enterprise was definitely all the character arcs, from underused cast members like Hoshi, to wonderful guest stars like Shran and Degra. But there's also no denying, that despite Starfleet only having one ship, this season of Star Trek produced absolutely the finest space battles since the sixth season of Deep Space Nine... Now, nothing can top the battles in Sacrifice of Angels or Way of the Warrior, but the awesome special effects in Azati Prime, The Council, and Countdown truly made this season just as memorable as any season of DS9 ever was. In my opinion at least, the latter two thirds of this season of Enterprise have been far more consistent and far more engrossing than any full season of Star Trek, period... And the ending to the stellar season? While not everyone loved Zero Hour (I personally was disappointed that like Best of Both Worlds 2, there were no friggin earth defences whatsoever!... but that's besides the point), while not everyone hated Zero Hour either, there's no denying that everyone was talking about the ending to the show, whether they watched it or not. I mean, alien frickin' Nazis?... if this leads to the Romulan War, then I'm all ears... but if that wasn't a Reman in the end? Then I just hope Berman and Braga can work their mojo one last time, and bring to canon light a new species that's just as interesting and just as involving as the Enterprise races against the five races of the Xindi ever were...

Was the third season of Enterprise perfect? Of course not. Mayweather and Reed were both still rather ignored, the season finale did disappoint, and there were a bunch of filler episodes that I could've done without... But these were all just minor, triteful inconveniences in the grand scheme of things, because undoubtedly, any old skool Trekker who skipped out on this season (thanks to the series' failing image, even in the eyes of geeks...) should be spanked and kicking themselves in the ass right now... Except for perhaps TNG's fourth season, I have never witnessed Trek of such consistently high calibre in my entire televised life. Like I said, I had my apprehensions about the Xindi Arc at first, even after The Expanse proved to be a good episode in the end, and I was damn proud to be completely proven wrong.

And, well... yes, of course I'm bias... I'm an avid Trekkie, and I already loved Enterprise from its first two seasons. But there's no denying it - anyone who watches the full third season of Enterprise will have to admit, that even if they don't agree the season was the best? Now that Berman and Braga are on their way out?... well then... at least they went out with a bang...

Notable Episodes: Anomaly, Twilight, Similitude, Proving Ground, Stratagem, Damage, The Council, Countdown, Zero Hour
Best Episode of the Season: Azati Prime

"Anyhew, enough with the depressing stories of napalm breathing dragons taking over the world, although Reign of Fire was surprisingly good (the movie... not the game... ugghh...). Just in case somebody who reads this site actually cares about the series I write about, the season premiere of Star Trek Enterprise finally and firmly aired this Wednesday... although I'm goddam bitter that I don't get the show on Tuesdays anymore... I mean, I was bragging about it to all my friends at university the other day, even though they all hate the Star Trek series with a passion. I couldn't help but boast that because I get Satellite TV, I get Star Trek Enterprise episodes a day early on the A-Channel or some Alberta beef crap like that, and that everyone else was relegated to CityTV crap on Wednesdays... but when Tuesday finally came around, what did I find but lo and behold, that goddam A-Channel must've been sued or something by UPN or somebody like that... because my beloved Enterprise was replaced by goddam Smallville in its spot, and now I'm forced to watch my precious Enterprise on the ASN Atlantic Channel on goddam Wednesdays like everyone else... Suffice to say, I was embarrassed as hell when I had to tell all my friends the truth about Charlie the day after. And suffice to say, I had lost my zest for the Enterprise fest that I was going to throw the night that the series returned...

I guess my disappointment in channel arrangements might've left a sour taste in my mouth when the Enterprise season premiere actually did air, because quite frankly, The Xindi was a disappointment of an episode. I mean, there was really only one thing that I liked, which was the cool effect of everything in the mines being covered in trillium dust. But besides aesthetics and the art deco of alien worlds, there really wasn't much metal gear substance to the show... The characters haven't changed a single bit I see, which both has its positive and negative setbacks and kickbacks. Archer started off the show with a horribly rendered speech about the past six weeks, and besides the sight of his waddling in alien sewage systems and his inability to care what the platinum was for, he didn't really do much that I cared for myself... Phlox, after getting so many damn episodes to shine at the end of last season, pretty much seemed like an idiot in the season opener when he wouldn't get off T'Pol's back (but who wouldn't?... oh, nevermind...) about the therapy that neither T'Pol nor Tucker simply did not want... Hoshi got a moment to shine with everyone's favourite Gavin (IT'S GAVIN!!!!!!!!). The two should get a room or something, as long as it isn't filled with toilet paper and Beasts, at least... but besides that? Was she even in the episode? And Mayweather? He was in the shuttle, right? Did he do anything else? Well, it's nice at least to know some things will never change... Malcolm got a stereotypical moment with the MACOs or whatever those soldier guys were called. It makes sense that Malcolm would start feeling inferior to guys that would obviously remind him of his father and former friends, but his new inferiority complex wasn't explored enough for one episode at least... but there's always potential... potential for some real ass kicking in the Star Trek Enterprise: Elite Force game they're bound to make, now that the MACOs have phaser sniper rifles that are sadly better than anything the The Next Generation staff of the Enterprise ever seemed to have...

The only two characters this week that actually did shine were Tucker and T'Pol, with T'Pol shining literally... I mean, what the hell was she wearing? It's like the writers of the show realized Jolene looked her best in those slinky night shirts she wears to bed, and then made her wear a mixture of those and a catsuit in different colours on the bridge, just to lighten things up and hopefully raise ratings... And why the hell did she have to get naked at the end? Believe me, I'm not complaining about the bare breasts themselves, but honestly! All Trip did was touch two damn vertebrate on her neck, so why the hell did she have to take her shirt off?... and besides her obvious new sex appeal, T'Pol didn't really have much. But at least the sound of a Vulcan orgasm as Tucker simply tapped her neck, was enough to make me forget most of the rest of the episode... but Tucker? Besides that awfully cheesy cutscene of his sister getting ripped apart in everyone's favourite Florida, I will honestly say that he was the only character that seemed new, redefined, and worthy of the Trek name this episode. He certainly had his moments, from grabbing the Xindi by the throat, to the sheer look on his face when he had to reach down into the sewage systems, to the brilliant nervousness he put into his voice when he obviously thought T'Pol was looking a little nice under the covers... those two crazy kids should certainly get a room, after Tucker and Archer fight it out over her at least... In the end, The Xindi left me with faith in the heart (although I hate the new rendering of the theme song, especially since I was finally started to like the old version) that Tucker, Malcolm, and maybe even T'Pol for once will have compelling story arcs this season. But as for the rest of the crew? As for the rest of the season long story arc?...

The twist at the end of the episode, that the Xindi homeworld is already gone, did leave me with a To Be Continued feel to the episode, which is definitely what Enterprise needs to draw in the modern fanbase of 24 fanatics (since 24 fans is all Enterprise seems to have these days)... And the idea of five species within the Xindi collective is rather brilliant, although the Xindi bug looked like the damn Prayer Mantis lady from Buffy, and although I really do feel like the writers should've kept everything but the reptilian Xindi a secret for now, if only to build suspense... and I also found potential in the anomalies of the Delphic Expanse, as the sight of the cargo bay gravity mishap was far more enterprising to me than watching Archer get captured in the series for the umpteenth time... But in the end, strangely enough, The Xindi ended up the worst season opener of any Enterprise season, not that there's been many seasons mind you. But it did give me a new hope in the series at least, simply because for once, I was left wondering at the end of an episode about the central plotline of the season, rather than when certain characters on the show will ever get more than their token lines or two... and besides, it's nice to see Gavin (GAVIN!!!!!) reborn after just two hundred years or so thanks to his Wolfram and Hart and former UPN contracts, but I guess that's besides the point..."

"Anyhew, enough with the completely useless console news ravings and rantings for now. The thing is, I didn't update this noname site last week, obviously because I barely had anything to write... except that I did want to write, because it was such a damn rare occasion... Now, there's been great episodes of Enterprise before. Broken Bow Part 1, Shockwave Part 1, and Regeneration all come to mind... but those were all hyped up to be high caliber episodes long before their aired... I've never really felt anything for an Enterprise episode that wasn't hyped up in the first place... Which is why I really, really, ridiculously did want to write last week, because for once, just for once, I was caught off guard and swept off my feet... Enter Anomaly, which was simply such a damn good episode that it's already a candidate in my eyes for best episode on television for the new season. First of all, I couldn't get enough of just how damn good all the special effects were in the episode. From the cup seemlessly floating in space (with Matrix effects almost equal to that of the original Matrix), to the bridge being overrun with ripples through the bulkheads, to the awesome effect of the Enterprise ripping its way through the cloaking field, to especially the cool factor of the enemy pirate ship scratching the surface of the Borg Sphere or Death Star or whatever you want to call it that they stole... Everything was done amicably in this episode in terms of presentation. The music in the scenes where the Enterprise was boarded rivaled the series' best from Regeneration. The make-up done on the captured pirate's distorted face looked more realistic than alien make-up has to me in years. And simply the green tint of a glow from the Xindi computer data at the end was enough to get my skin crawling, if only to entice me in the hope that future episodes in the Xindi arc will be of the high caliber of presentation that Anomaly just somehow ended up to be... so really, the only question left for me was, whether or not Anomaly will just end up being an anomaly in the quality of my favourite current series on television...

Because Anomaly was just so great, not just because of the special effects, but because almost the entire crew got memorable scenes. Phlox didn't have much to say, but the sight of his smile while eyeing his leeches reminded me of the best of moments from A Night in Sickbay... Mayweather didn't get much to do either, but at least he looked like he was actually invested and interested in his work while piloting towards the 19km wide sphere... Malcolm unfortunately didn't get to shoot many people, but I loved the intent in his eyes when that MACO threw that stun grenade of his, and his brief moment of grievance for the death of one of his men definitely added a darkness and edginess to this episode that Trek series have been lacking since the end of Deep Space Nine... Hoshi was as invisible as the massive cloaking field was for most of the episode, but she truly did get to shine in the final climatic moments, as she definitely looked key to the battle as she hacked away into the piraters' computer mainframe... Trip Tucker had his token moments of course, and even got to be a hero, as even I screamed "Nice!" at the television when he instinctively used the busted warp reactor as a defensive shield in engineering (he just loves his Die Hard moments, now doesn't he?)... T'Pol wore more conservative (though not conservative) clothes than last episode, so it was much easier to take her seriously as least, even though she surprisingly didn't have much to say in Anomaly. And Captain Archer?... this was perhaps the first real episode of Enterprise I've seen (and I've seen them all) that truly makes the man look like a captain... Picard always had this thing where he would take real charge while exacting revenge, sort of like his alterego of Captain Ahab did in that little Moby Dick movie of his. And Archer had that exact same Shakespearean, epic feel in this episode as he was sealing the prisoner in the airlock. I'm not saying that a captain has to be evil in order to be taken seriously... but he definitely has to do what must be done to get the goddam job done. And he did it this episode. In earlier episodes, I always just admired him for his friendship with Trip and his horribly humourless humour in certain episodes... but if Anomaly is any indication?... well, he was already higher than Captain Janeway in my book at least. Let's see when he can take out Captain Sisko with his bare brawn hands, now shall we?..."

"The thing is, like I mentioned earlier, I was afraid after watching Anomaly that the episode would simply be an anomaly in the series, that "Star Trek - Enterprise" as the screen credits now call the show, would not be able to maintain the great momentum it had from Regeneration and The Expanse from last season... and believe me, I was rolling my eyes when I first read the description of this week's episode of Enterprise, Extinction. I mean, I have never liked a "crew turns into aliens" type of episode before. Hell, I rank the Voyager one where Paris and Janeway turn into Warp 10 salamanders as perhaps the single worst Star Trek episode I've ever seen in my entire life... but despite its cheesy as hell premise, I was honestly entertained by Extinction from start to finish, and that surprised the hell of a Genesis out of me... because somehow, even though these types of plots have been already done to death a thousand times fold in Star Trek alone, with Extinction's director (Levar Burton) starring as the chief victim in probably the best of the mutation series, everything felt fresh in Extinction somehow, although I know I'm probably just looking at the show with green coloured and biased, misty eyes... There weren't any really notable special effects to speak of this episode, but the make-up done on Malcolm, Hoshi, and Archer, especially the gill bubbles or whatever those were on their cheeks or chins, surpassed even the make-up I accoladed up above about Anomaly... and, well... now, critiques will either love and laud at the computer generated alien city on the world. And although I admit that it looked almost as good as CG cities did in the new Star Wars movies, I must admit... that I really hate CG generated buildings... they just look so damn fake thanks to wrong dynamic lightning, that I really wished that Enterprise would just build little scale models like The Next Generation did and shine on them little light bulbs that blink... But still, I do recognize all the hard word the CG specialists did to make that city scene, especially when they transformed the billowing city of people into a city where billows of wind simply breeze past ancient ruins... but still... for people and cities, CG sucks...

As for the actors? The critics can say what they want, but I loved Trip Tucker in this episode, just as I do in just about every single other episode. Yes, the first scene of the show was rather embarrassing to watch, considering I'm not a fan of the Kirk syndrome of always taking your shirt off. But being ticklish myself, I found Trip's insecurity about his feet rather funny, and somehow, I did find it rather adorable when he handed the peaches to T'Pol as a sort of emotionless kiss and make-up. And although Trip still doesn't seem like bridge material to me, the look of horror on his face when mutated seabass Archer didn't even recognize him anymore, reminded me of the best moments of their friendship that really hasn't been told onscreen since the first season... meanwhile, Mayweather got nothing to do this episode. No problems there. Moving along... Phlox didn't have any key lines that I can recall, but he certainly had his moments, considering the episode dealt with a nasty disease worse than the Borg. Most of his parts were about medical technobabble as usual, but he did certainly somehow portray a lot of intimate meaning in his eyes when he was talking to Archer about destroying the last of the virus. I couldn't tell if he agreed with Archer or not on the captain's decision though. Although if I was Phlox, I would've just screamed, "Are you insane? The civilization died for a reason!... Thanks to me, you let an entire, living civilization die to a genetic disease in the first season! Why not now? WTF?"... but that's besides the point... and as for the mutated freaks of the week, as if I was watching Smallville?... Malcolm to me was the best of the bunch in making himself seem like an alien. Now, he didn't really look that different from his usual self, but he somehow managed to change his accent so damn much that I couldn't even recognize his voice. Unfortunately, he then got zapped by his favourite weapon, then really wasn't seen for the rest of the episode. But at least he got to pull a Suliban and leap up a tree for some ambiguous monkey loving, so... Hoshi was the worst at disguising her voice. But her real acting beauty shone in the way she simply bobbed her head side to side and stood in little alien slinky poses. Her motions were simply so alien compared to her normal Hoshi the Hottie self that if you didn't look at her face, you might've sworn that this Hoshi was being played by a guest star... And Archer? Well, he was the worst of the three amigos in acting alien, but perhaps that was done on purpose, considering he still seemed like he had an affinity for T'Pol, as if he still recognized her... not like any man could ever forget her though (although Malcolm ambiguously seemed to... hmmm...), as T'Pol chooses to wear catsuits to alien worlds rather than EV suits. She personally did a good job in this episode though. It did get kind of annoying after she kept whining to her captain that he actually was her captain. But still, Blalock has a great way of conveying both emotion and logic without any real emotion somehow, whenever she's given the chance to be concerned... and besides, even if she wasn't able to deliver all those lines of hers with the natural poise and grace that she did, at least I'll always remember the sight of her disgust when Archer was willing to share his food...

And that's the thing... Extinction on paper sounds like such a bad episode, with Archer and Malcolm fighting over larvae in eggs one moment, and then suddenly being cured after a few seconds in Warp 4 at another. But somehow, if only because Levar Burton has a lot of experience with these kinds of episodes, and if only because I loved the scene where the infected alien guy saw the flamethrowers shoved up his ass, I found this episode sure as hellfire entertaining as hell, and that was more than surprising beyond belief... And on paper, Anomaly seemed no better. And yet in reality, I was more than thrilled to find that my damn preconceptions were proven to be vastly wrong... and that's what Enterprise needs. That's what the writers promised to deliver. That the third season will not just be of high writing calibre, but be full of Delphic Expanse surprises as well. And if anything, the last two episodes have shown to me a real new hope, and a real new Death Star wannabe... that even if you just recycle old plotlines, that you can somehow just add enough twist and enough spices to truly make the series feel more sweet than bittersweet...

... and mmm... I love the taste of a new coat of paint... and trust me. I know first hand. Paint tastes sure as hell sweet..."

"But while Angel disappointed me a bit with its season premiere, it was definitely made up for with Rajin, this week's episode of Enterprise. I mean, sure the critics can pander the series for its sleezy cheesiness all they want, but I personally love how the writers are showing no fear when it comes to... well, being sleezy slinky, actually... Hell, it's obvious from this episode what's going to happen between Trip and T'Pol for the rest of the season, considering T'Pol's emotions probably got all thrown out of wack from everyone's favourite trojan horse (who doesn't use Trojan condoms, thank you very much)... Now, I've already read some scathing reviews of just how damn dumb this episode of Enterprise was in terms of sexcapades, but goddamit, I don't care! How in the hell can critics possibly say that lesbian mind control through alien sex craft can possibly be bad for any series, I may never know?... because goddammit, yes, I know Smallville kicked Enterprise's ass in ratings last night, but do I give a damn? Hell no. All I've ever wanted to see in a show, was one girl feeling up another against her will... I hate to use the word rape, considering how damn offensive it is to most women, but I'd be damn lying if I didn't say lesbian rape by making-the-girl-as-horny-as-possible-until-they're-begging-to-be-raped, didn't turn me the hell on... I'll always remember one moment in high school, when someone asked my crush whether all guys get turned on by lesbianism. My obsession at the time widened her eyes to the widest point I've ever seen, as if she was saying, "Are you ****ing retarded? Of course they get turned on, like rabbits on light switches!" (or as if she was turned on by lesbianism too or some mushu crap like that)... and the thing was, although I wouldn't have put it into those words (although I just did I guess), I knew in my heart back then that at least for me, she was telling the truth. Because when I saw last night just how damn happy Hoshi got from getting so goddam hottie horny?.. God, I had this sick, sly dog smile on my face for the rest of the night... hell, even T'Pol getting feeled up half naked couldn't compare to the idea of Hoshi going up and down in an elevator, I prematurely shit you not...

But yes, I know. I'm sick. So help me God... but I'm only telling the truth. That's my job here. To tell my truth. And the rest of the truth?... well, I'd be lying if I said Rajin was a great episode for anything besides its lesbos merits, but it definitely does stand on its two feet. I've always liked the idea of a trojan spy, and the idea worked pretty well with the firefight in the end, as I was almost as interested in the MACOs getting their asses whooped by superstrong Xindi as I was with the Borg walking really, really, ridiculously damn slowly around Enterprise last season. It's just too bad that while the Reptilian Xindi look better than ever, the bug species still looks like crap, and the set of the alien market looked like something right out of that horrible TNG Farpoint pilot episode or some crap like that... As for the characters, Trip was great as ever, getting his head bashed in by a girl... he always gets to be so damn lucky... Hoshi I've already mentioned, she being ambiguously gay - I mean, happy and all... Mayweather was there, I think. Once again, nothing out of the ordinary... Reed got to fire a few weapon blasts. But he didn't even get to toss a stun grenade, nor were his bits and parts scanned, so I know he wasn't satisfied... T'Pol got the worst end of the sexy sleeze stick I think, but I really do think she and Tucker make quite an item, as they have been since Broken Bow... Phlox didn't get to say much, but I remember the comment about Rajin's eyes. And he certainly did have his Denobulan charm when was scolding Archer for scratching at his alien scars... and Archer himself? He didn't get to play as commanding of a performance as he did in Anomaly, but he put up a good fight nevertheless. He looked both strong and weak at the same time, winning Rajin in a street fight one moment, and helpless to stop the Xindi the next. I can't say he ushered any momentous lines though, considering he looked confused as hell during the dinner scene. His acting confusion definitely worked a nice cold fusion with his night of scratching at least, but I digress...

The critics can rip Rajin apart all they want, but I really couldn't give a damn. The episode showed more than enough potential to keep my hopes up for the rest of the season. There's now a running arc for perhaps the first decent Star Trek romance since Riker and Troi (and no, I didn't like any of the relationships in DS9). There's a running arc where Archer is loosing his humanity ever so slowly, even if it means a lot of scratching to get there... There's a running arc where Enterprise is still simply no match for the Xindi, let alone all the anomalies tearing apart their ship. And there's running arcs for Malcolm, Mayweather, and possibly lesbian Hoshi, such as... ummm... okay, the last stuff I said wasn't true, but everything else is. And really, this is what the critics demanded for last year, isn't it? Continuity, outside of the Q continuum You never would've seen lingering scars from an alien spore infiltration on Voyager or even DS9, although nothing can match the psychological damage done by the Borg to Picard... And really, when was the last time Star Trek had a character as cool as the mad chemist alien, who reminded me a little too much of the mad scientist from Lilo and Stitch, actually, but that's besides the point... Rajin represented almost everything I like about Enterprise, including, yes, the lesbian touchy-feely scenes. Critics can spout all the arcane principles they want, but I know what I like... I know what works for me... the only thing I am afraid of, is whether Enterprise will be canceled before its fourth season or not... because I know sleeze can only sell for sneezes at a time...

So here's hoping... and here's to EA dynasty mode coaching potential or some crap like that... I love you Enterprise... beat up Old Man Kent for me, and come home..."

"Angel was definitely a hallmark episode this week. I can only hope the writers can keep up the brilliant writing and directing... But how about the Enterprise episode of the week? While Impulse was not the most deeply motivating or moving of episodes... it was definitely one of the coolest... if there's any episode that deserves an emmy for special effects, it's Impulse. Not only did the adrift Vulcan ship look shiny as hell, not only did the shuttlepods look kind of real in their movements for once, but what the hell was up with the minefield? Honestly, I was staring at those massive rocks just spinning around in unpredictable circles all episode long, and I never got bored, and why? Because I've never seen an asteroid field do this on a show... ever... and I do appreciate the creativity... unless it's been done before on Babylon 5, but I digress... As for the show itself, I must admit, even though I normally hate zombie shows and movies, I just couldn't get enough of seeing Vulcans at their Resident Evil worst. I was in agreement with the MACO guy - shoot to kill, because the Vulcans were essentially dead anyways... I don't normally say that in Star Trek, but that was the kind of cool atmosphere Impulse delivered on the small screen. The hollowed insides of the Vulcan ship were some of the best set designs I've seen outside of the Aliens movies. And although the make-up on the Vulcans was only decent at best, the lighting on the ship made them look spooky as hell to me, especially when they were clawing over each other to get to the Enterprise crew... The episode wasn't scary though - but it sure as hell was entertaining. Hell, how can I possibly not love an episode that ends in a warp core bang? The plot of Impulse was impulsive at best, but definitely nothing but warp speed in execution. It was non-stop action that may not be thoughtful or smart, but it definitely had me at hello.

Archer actually had his best episode in months, or even seasons actually, as he kept guiding the more and more bedazzled T'Pol through the corridors of her long lost ghost ship. T'Pol herself was much better at showing fear and paranoia than she has at any other emotion in prior seasons, as she really did seem... I don't know... alluring... when she was all sweaty and threatening to kill everyone... Reed got to shoot a bunch of people. He must've been happy as hell, and even though he didn't have many lines, simply his constant presence there was enough to make the episode feel ambiguously Reed oriented in the end... which makes me happy, in a sort of ambiguous way... Trip Tucker and Mayweather had a side project that at first seemed to be completely disjointed from the main Vulcan Halo one, but in the end, all good things and all good storyline threads did come together, which of course I always love in writing and execution... Mayweather didn't get many lines, but at least he got to wreck the transporter with the first real accident since the first season. And back to Trip again, he didn't get many memorable scenes... but I loved his concern when he found out that Trellium-D was poisonous to Vulcan blood streams. As an engineer, it was his duty to secure the ship from all anomalies... but then again, you could see he had some extra concern for a certain Vulcan he's come to know, which is a world's away difference from the looks he gave T'Pol in the first season episodes of Enterprise... and Hoshi? She was there. She's turned into Lorne, except without the witty lines and all the brotherly crap. Go figure...

Overall, Impulse may not have been the most food for thought for the brain, especially considering the Vulcans would eat your brains if you ever got smarter from this episode. But it definitely was one of the most entertaining hours of television I've had in months, and ranks right up there with Regeneration and Anomaly as true signs that Enterprise is at least way better than the movie, Signs, will ever be... it was perfect birthday surprise, even though it was no-one's birthday... a perfect crime... the best of both worlds, if only Enterprise can ever deliver an episode as great and legendary as Best of Both worlds truly was..."

"But maybe that's my bias talking... While I seem to be rather negative when it comes to decent Angel episodes, no matter how bad an Enterprise episode may be, I still end up actually liking it... This week's Enterprise episode, Exile, should've been boring and triteful as a trout to me at best, considering the main plot was a Hoshi plotline, and the B plot had barely any action whatsoever... I mean, the sight of the shuttlepod rolling and romping about on the surface of the sphere looked ridiculous at best (although perhaps it was simply moving strangely from spatial anomalies), and the planet of whatever that telepathic guy was called looked no better to me than a TNG episode on a Klingon world, so I really can't say I enjoyed the special effects this episode... The B plot was trivial to me, as the only suspenseful moment, when the shuttlepod was floating away uncontrolled, durated with duranium for just a few seconds at most. I mean, sure I found it interesting as hell that there are so many damn spheres in the Delphic Expanse. I mean, I now desperately want to learn why someone would actually make the expanse, so I give major kudos to the Enterprise writing team for making a story arc that I actually find motivating... But really, was there any real point in showing off Archer's journey to the sphere so damn much in terms of screen time, except to alleviate boredom from the Hoshi A-plot?... but before I get to that, let's round up the characters. Archer got to look happy at the start and pissed at the end. He tends to go through the motions. And it was kind of funny, actually - when his projected image was talking to Hoshi at the end, Hoshi knew it wasn't him from the inhuman, inconsiderate way he was talking... but if only she could see the captain through our televisions, she'd know that's what he's sadly like in person... T'Pol didn't get much to do, but at least continuity was established with her staying away from the trellium D in the launch bay... Reed got to sit there. So did Mayweather. So a job well done on both accounts, I think... And Tucker? Did he have more than one line? Probably not, but I guess that's alright, considering how much "I-can-eat-a-peach-for-hours" air time he's had lately... And Dr. Phlox, miraculously back from the werewolf dead on Angel, didn't get any special moments of his own, but at least he's getting lines now, if only because the Delphic Expanse is definitely proving useful in screwing up human physiology in one way or another...

But as for the Hoshi plotline... now, I'll admit that one of the reasons why I enjoyed this episode so much, was because I couldn't get enough of her silk and satin wardrobe... I mean, who honestly brings those kinds of clothes when they're a willing prisoner to a horny bastard is beyond me, though I'm not really one to complain... but you see, the strange thing is, that's not the only reason why I enjoyed Exile... Somehow, although Hoshi's backstory wasn't nearly as convincing to me as Mayweather's was last year (although the grandfather bit felt natural, though cliche, considering she's Asian), I somehow felt that she really did a good job in portraying a messed-up Beauty and the Beast storyline... she looked incredibly immersed in her book, as Belle would've certainly been. And she was gentle but strong as well when confronted by the telepath - she didn't lose her anger until the very deceitful end. She was tolerant, and compromising, and was ready to smash his balls in the end - or ball, to be precise... or Sauron crystal or whatever you want to call it... She was highly offended by how much personal knowledge the alien had stolen from her mind, and somehow Linda Park didn't appear forced in the way she acted. She never lost her calm when confronted with the graveyard, despite realizing that this man was a lonely as hell bastard looking for a sex slave... and the telepathic guy himself? The thing is, he wasn't horny or anything. He was simply lonely. And the two worked wonders, because although Hoshi hasn't seemed lonely in previous episodes, she certainly seemed distant in this one. And there was just something about her eyes, the way Linda Park was agreeing with the telepath... that she knows he's right about her, but she also knows that there's more to her than simply what he knows. The telepathic may have read her brain like a book, but he didn't exactly read her motives, her goals, or her loyalties properly. She of all people knows that there's a difference between reading the book of an alien race... and understanding its context the way it was meant to be read... The telepathic guy saw what he wanted to see in her in a sense, and as the no-name, dateless bastard over here... I can sort of relate... which is probably why I liked this episode in the end... because it seemed all too familiar... for him and Hoshi were reading my mind as well...

And besides, Hoshi the hottie, holding in heat, that big ass, Sauron Ball in a nightgown?... somehow, that just made my day... even after Smallville, and even after Smallville kicked Enterprise's ass in ratings yet again... but I digress..."

"As for Enterprise this week? Unfortunately, The Shipment on its own right wasn't exactly a stellar episode. It was far too slow paced to keep my attention with an exam the next day, sadly put, as it felt far too much of a "filler" or a setting-up episode for November sweeps... Most of the episode dealt with Archer realizing that not all his enemies were his enemies. Reed got to play Devil's Advocate, advocating the mission as a success if they just blew the weapons facility to hell. And I agreed with Malcolm at that early point in the episode, as Archer sounded pretty damn dumb, talking as if a war hadn't already started... but like in true Star Trek fashion, Archer and the episode reminded me that not all enemies are indeed enemies. Some are allies, who simply didn't know what they were doing. And in that respect, The Shipment was a pretty good episode, as it was especially highlighted by the fact that Sloth Xindi scientist near the end nearly chose to give Archer away when the Reptillian Xindi revealed that there was a ruthless enemy against them... It reminded me that both sides of the war are still swept myriad in mystery, and that nobody really knows what the hell is going on. And it reminded me that until you have more information, you really shouldn't blow innocent civilians out the sky, even if 90 scientists is a small amount of people compared to seven million...

Humanitarian lessons aside though, The Shipment was pretty much as boring as watching a shipment of cargo cross the seas... None of the characters besides Archer really had anything to do, as Malcolm didn't get to snipe off anyone, Hoshi just sat around, T'Pol got to sit around in the big chair, and Mayweather? Was he even in this episode? Did he even have one line? If not, then that's a new low, even for him... I did sort of like the Tucker and Phlox B-story though. Although neither character got any memorable lines in, I certainly was fascinated by how alien the Xindi's weapon truly was. I mean, who would've thought you could put a brain in a gun, making it smart enough to know when it's being fired by a redneck from the Americas? If only modern weapons had those kind of safeties... although we could do without the auto-destruction stuff for gun control, but I digress (don't hate me for my comments... I'm Canadian, eh... hate me for that)... And routing back to Archer, I don't think the captain really got many decent things to say himself. And it was pretty damn stupid of him if you ask me, to try to sneak the Xindi scientist out into the woods when the guy was offering to help (although if Archer and co's position was given away, the Xindi would've shot down their shuttlepod escaping for sure, so...). But the real plus of all the slow ass talking in the Xindi's home, was the growing backstory on the Xindi. Their world was destroyed, simply because all six races couldn't get along, and something tells me that has something to do with the Temporal Cold War arc that should be returning within a month or so... Overall, The Shipment was an episode that felt as slow as a Xindi sloth. But since I know it was only meant to set up the potential for future episodes, I'm willing to let this one slide. I just hope that the November sweeps will truly deliver some excellent episodes, otherwise I might start branding Enterprise in the same category as I did Voyager... although considering I loved even the first season of Enterprise? I doubt things will ever become that much of a bleak and dreary future..."

"My brother and I are always thinking this in the back of our heads, laughing our asses off:... ahem...

George Lucas: "Star Wars... is a religion!"
Interviewer: "... no... No, it's not."
George Lucas: "I wasn't talking to you!..."
...
George Lucas: "And if Star Wars is a religion... That makes me a God!"
Interviewer: "... no... No, it doesn't."
George Lucas: "Again, was I talking to you?!..."

If you haven't seen or heard about this skit yet, the above is a slightly modified version of some MadTV thing or a Star Wars fling that aired before Episode I arrived in theatres. Of course, after the travesty that was Star Wars Episode I, no-one dared (or bothered) to ever call George Lucas a god again... well, except for me of course... Because as a Star Trek fanatic, George Lucas will forever be, in my heart, the true god of the worst goddam sci-fi series to ever disgrace God's green earth since... well... The Matrix, actually... and Lord of the Rings... and, umm... Star Trek Voyager... but that's besides the point... The point is, I'm not Star Wars fan. I liked Episode II to an extent, and I still rank A New Hope as one of the better sci-fi flicks of its day and age. But honestly, every single goddam time somebody claims the god-awful, Empire Strikes Back, is a god of a goddam movie?... uggh, then I can't help but clench my fist, gnash my teeth, and outcry, "BLASPHEMY!", to all the infinite masses of the Old Republic...

Angel was good this week. But in all honesty, except for some minor gripes, this week's episode of Enterprise kicked ass!... now, I won't agree with the early assessments that Twilight can be compared to Yesterday's Enterprise. But it is definitely better than other Star Trek "reset button" episodes, like Cause and Effect and The Year of Hell (the latter of which was simply awful, although I enjoyed the former for what it was worth...)... Now, there's nothing original about a reset button plotline, dealing with quantum effects and crap like that, as weird as it sounds to say... Because hell's bells, I think Star Trek has done at least two dozen episodes based on ideas like this alone (and yet for some odd reason, my friend continues to insist that Star Trek copied Memento... go figure...). But it's not originality that counts in today's day and age - it's the execution of the idea that does. And truth be told, I was intrigued right from the start of the episode, with earth getting destroyed, and with Mayweather being the first to die... again... (it's always the brother that's the first to go...). Now, I have my complaints about the scene - first of all, where were all the earth defenses? You don't need warp 5 travel to frickin' build warships and orbital defences, mind you... Second, how in the blue hell did the Xindi build a frickin' death star that can destroy planets? I mean, so now what? A primitive combination of races from the Delphic Expanse now has more technology than the Borg and Species 8472 combined?... And lastly, why the hell did the Enterprise survive the destruction of earth? Why the hell didn't T'Pol at least set a collision course with the Xindi Sphere or some crap like that?... but I guess, those are all besides the point...

Several things made this episode as great as it was, and one was surely the neat idea that Archer simply can't form new long term memories. Because the idea of waking up in the future has been done to death on Star Trek alone, but the idea that you've continuously woken up in the future with no clue what's going on? I don't know whether that's original or not, but it sure as hell felt like it was, considering we were seeing things through Archer's point of view. We were thinking about "elaborate hoaxes" just as he was, with no clue whether Archer has said the same thing a million times before each and every morning. And somehow, the idea appealed to me... time was repeating, just not for him, but around him, so to speak... And the second thing that made this episode? The acting. T'Pol not only looked beautiful with long hair (what can I say? I'm not a fan of women with short cuts... except short skirts...), and her acting was just as beautiful, even though I'm sure feminists will be appalled by the fact that she gave up being a captain to be a nurse... or a house wife to a senile, old man in a sense... Jolene Blalock acted with a Vulcan subtlety that really screamed out for an Oscar, if only there was an award for a lack of emotion. She seemed to care for Archer, she seemed to be patient as hell with Archer, and yet at other times, she was commanding in the captain's chair, taking no shit from Tucker (who's her true love... we all know that...). The acting from Archer was decent as well, except for the final scene in sickbay, which felt too out of place. Like I've said in the past, Scott Bakula is at his best when he seems confused, and voila! They gave him an episode where he's supposed to be confused as hell... Now, considering he became captain of the Enterprise, I'd like to think Twilight would also be a Tucker episode. In some ways it was, but mostly, he was just there, and that's alright... for one week, at least... It was Phlox's turn to shine once more, as he spouted technobabble with a sense of honest sincerity that no Star Trek series has ever managed since The Next Generation. He also got to brandish a phase pistol and flip off a railing, which is good enough for an Oscar in my book, at least... And Mayweather? He was either dead or missing. So no difference from previous episodes there... Malcolm got to be promoted on the other hand, but Hoshi? Heck, she was still stuck at the same useless post, listening for alien signals where there were no aliens. Feminists beware...

Now, I'm not always a fan of reset buttons. I personally would've preferred if Archer remembered the events of the future as some sort of dream (some theorize that the subconscious could exist out of space time, of course...). But even though the reset was a bit annoying in the end, that doesn't take away from the fact that Twilight was one hell of a good episode. It had a brilliant, "WTF" intro sequence with the destruction of earth. It had some stellar special effects with the ramming of the Xindi ships and the destruction of the bridge of Enterprise (although I don't know why the Xindi were falling over from single phase pistol shots, when Archer could take three). Twilight actually had chemistry between Archer and T'Pol for once, with Phlox once again acting as their pimp. And even though reset button episodes come a dime a dozen in sci-fi, somehow the idea of temporal parasites made Twilight feel so fresh in comparison... even compared to Memento (sorry, Re: Memento Fan)... Was Twilight nearly as good as TNG's Yesterday's Enterprise and Best of Both Worlds? Not really. But along with Anomaly, it will forever stand as a true testament, that the third and fourth seasons of Star Trek series are always the best (well, with the notable exception of season 6 of Deep Space 9, that is...). Because I do believe...

IvanF: "Star Trek... is a religion!"
George Lucas: "NO!.. NOOOOO!!! IT'S NOT! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!! JAR JAR BINKS, SAVE ME!!!"
IvanF: "AGAIN, was I talking to you?!?"

... ah, good times... me, c'est le Star Trek Nazi... no reset button for you..."

"I was hoping for the same from Enterprise though... that despite the cheesy and boring-sounding premise, that this week's episode of North Star would somehow shine through as a star of the Star Trek seasons... and suffice to say, although I certainly didn't find Enterprise to be episode of the 6-pack, year caliber or anything, I will admit that I did enjoy the episode a lot more than I thought I would... Now, the episode didn't really have much metal or gear or substance in the end. It was a cliche story of cliche slavery in the old wild west, and the only real fun came at the end, when it was amusing how Malcolm and the MACOs could barely take out men using 300 year old technology, of all things... The best moment of the entire episode probably came when Malcolm pulled off a Jeff Daniels and smartly shot the hostage. Plus, T'Pol looked pretty nice, collapsing from energy fire for the second week in a row, while invincible Archer could win a fist fight with a bullet in his shoulder in the barn in the back... Now, Archer was alright this episode, which was a good thing, considering he was pretty much the only Enterprise star to star in the episode. I absolutely hated his fake accent though, not to mention the fact that he was trying to act all Western like in the saloon (although I did like the fact that he pretended to know who Coopersmith was... it was actually decent thinking on his feet for once). But for the most part? Archer just reacted to the situations. He would punch of a few guys in the face, ride around in horses better than Trip ever could, and pretty much did his first season, moral superiority thing by claiming humanity had gotten past prejudices (yet he seems to grind his teeth and gnash his bones and nail his elbow on the couch everytime he hears the word 'Xindi'... I was waiting for him to admit to the girl that humanity was now at war, but he never did let that little detail slip, now did he?)... and, well... Given the circumstances, I seriously thought Trip and T'Pol would've gotten far more air time than they did this episode, if only because Trip actually has a real accent (okay, Southern is not the same as a Western accent, but to a Canadian like me, it's all the Australian same... Gladiator 4ever!!!). And besides the fight at the end, Trip and T'Pol did have the best moment in the episode, as I found it rather adorable how he helped her onto the poor alien horse... I just wish I knew what Trip was going to do without his harmonica now. And hell, I'm wondering how he got that gun in the first place to trade for the horse... but still... while I half deplore that Archer gets too many episodes to himself, I can't really complain when next week is going to be a double weed trip to Tripsville...

As for the rest of the cast? Hoshi was there. Can't say much else, considering she didn't say much else... Malcolm got to shoot things. It's just too bad he's not even smart enough to realize he can burn his phaser through wooden barriers and crap like that... Phlox didn't have much air time either, but at least he got to look smart when he pulled a Dead Stop and got rid of the poor girl's scar... and Mayweather? God, he provided the best comedy relief of the entire episode! He's been gone for how long now? And then all of a sudden, he pops back up for just one damn scene, says one useless line that could've been said by anyone, and cuts himself off (seemingly shaking his head at his career) before he can even utter a second damn line?... it was comic genius at it's best! That's exactly what Star Trek has always been about... underutilized characters at their Starfleet finest... So that's about the whole of the cast... Once again, North Star was an Archer only episode, and that had both its ups and downs. On the one hand, his chemistry with the Sheriff was good. I liked the moment when the Sheriff admitted he thought earth was just a fable. I also thought the novelty of being shaved, old school style, was probably the best Western touch of the entire episode... But the bad parts of North Star? The deputy guy was definitely too much of an evil Western stereotype, as even one of his henchmen did the patented rolling off the Tim Hortons rim of the window pane thing... and Archer really didn't have any connection to the school teacher woman, although it was a nice touch to give her that datapad at the end, if only because I'd sure as hell would want one of those things, if only to play computer games on... Still, North Star ended up being a rather forgettable episode, as nothing of real interest happened in terms of the Xindi arc or anything. But still... unlike Smallville at least, I don't regret watching this episode. And suffice to say, at least I enjoyed most parts of it, which is more than I asked for when I first learned of its premise... North Star was not a shining star, but it definitely pointed in the right Polaris direction... on a Wednesday night where nothing could go wrong...

But while both Smallville (no surprise there) and Angel were disappointments to me this week (despite the promise of great episodes for November sweeps), it was all saved by you know what... and I ain't talking about the bell... Because the thing was, although I've already read some scathing reviews for this week's episode of Enterprise, "Similitude", the fact of the matter is... I loved this episode... in ways that I could never love other controversial episodes like Dear Doctor and Cogenitor... Now, one of those reasons was because I so enjoy the continuation of the Trip and T'Pol romance plotline more than anything in past seasons, although I deplored how T'Pol already kissed Trip in a sense this episode (it would've been much better if Sim had unexpectedly kissed her, with T'Pol being surprised that she kissed him back or something...)... But besides that one minor spit of a spat? Well, sure the intro of the episode in T'Pol's quarters felt like too much of a Paris Hilton porno video in a sense, but I loved the little moments with Sim and T'Pol later on, with Sim admitting that his love for T'Pol wasn't some adolescent crush... though "that was two days ago"... But before I go on a Trip praising streak, let me get the review of the rest of the cast done and over with, because surprisingly enough, each of them had something interesting to say or do this episode... Now, Hoshi didn't have much air time, but at least she had a memorable moment for once, teaching the young Sim to read. And Reed? Well, he was pretty noticeably absent himself, but at least he got to fire his buddy Trip out of the torpedo tubes, Homer Simpson Greenpeace style... Phlox wasn't in the episode nearly as much as I thought he would be, but for the times that he was, he was at his Dear Doctor best. I loved the look of fear, embarrassment, and sorrow in his eyes when Sim spilt the beans on the possibility that he could live a normal life. And I also actually felt a bit sad actually, when you could hear in Phlox's voice that he was about to kill his own son in surgery, in a sense... And Travis? For once, he actually pulled an anti-Travis by actually having more than one line, and by actually doing something important, like help save Enterprise for once! Now if I was him, I'd be plotting and scheming of more Dead Stop ways of putting Trip Tucker out of commission or shooting him out of an airlock, because we all know, if Trip had been up and about, it would've been the engineer in that shuttlepod cockpit instead of the brother... And I've already talked about T'Pol, who slinked around in her slinky little underwear for the umpteenth episode in a row. And although I shall still complain that she sure as hell didn't suppress her emotions as I feel her Vulcan self should've, I will admit that I sure as hell felt sorry for Sim at the time... if only because of that goodbye kiss meaning so much, and looking so sweet... and possibly spelling doom for the Trip and T'Pol romance after this season, but that's a whole other story for another day... and oh, by the way, the Enterprise looking real dirty with magnetic dust? Priceless looking, as it really was the best special effect to me since that weird ass asteroid field a few episodes back...

Certain critics didn't seem to like Similitude because they felt it was either preaching the wrong message about cloning, or that it wasn't clear enough on its stance on cloning... but the thing that I appreciated most about this episode, was that it didn't seem to preach to me anything at all... The thing is, I didn't really feel like the episode was trying to make a statement about 6th day laws or some crap like that. But rather, it was simply a sad story, an emotional ride, one of which I haven't felt since I watched A Beautiful Mind, actually... and I owe that all to Trip Trinneer Tucker the Third, for putting on one hell of an acting performance (his absolute best since Shuttlepod One). As Trip, he wasn't anything special, except when he gave that scrunched look on his face when watching Reed shoot his The Sims self out of the torpedo tubes with glee... But Sim? Sim throughout the ages was a joy to watch, as the child looked absolutely sweet in Phlox's arms, the young Trip looked fascinated with the return of the flying Archer plane from Broken Bow, and with the adolescent Trip appropriately acting like a retard in engineer to T'Pol... and somehow, I could just feel it in the acting - somehow, Sim at Trip's age was both Trip, and the Sim that we saw as a child... it's hard to explain or even fathom how, but somehow, this episode touched me, simply thanks to the genetic memory idea (as stupid of an idea as it sounds). Because at each stage of the clone's life cycle, he remembered more and more of his life as Trip... and at each stage, you could see more and more of Trip emerge, through the questions he would ask, through even the ways that he would walk... And by the time Sim had fully matured to Trip Tucker's age? There were two things about him: an ego, to prove to everyone that he's as good as Trip. And second, there was a sadness to him... that he could never truly be Trip... Which was all he really wanted in the end. He wanted to be a real boy, so to speak... and that's what touched me... Part of it was obviously selfish and annoying: he just wanted to save his own hide, rather than save that other self dying on the bed, so to speak... but the other part was simply the desire to be real. He had all of Trip's memories... so why didn't Archer see him that way? That was the real core of this episode to me. Some reviews claimed it was missing, but I saw it all the way through: I saw that Archer was hiding behind justifications of the war... when really, all he wanted to do was save his best friend's life... For once, you could see it in Scott Bakula's acting, that he was a man divided over ethics, morality, and friendship... Everytime he talked to Sim, he tried his best to remind himself that this was not Trip. And everytime Sim spoke to him, you could tell at every step, he was trying to prove that he was. And that's the real beauty of Similitude... I'm not sure whether the writers tried to take a side or not in the debate, but I definitely am glad that I didn't receive any of their preaching if they did. Because all I got instead, was a brilliant story of whether one man's life was worth another's... because Sim to me, felt real... if only because he felt so damn much like Trip with his memories... that's what this episode showed me... that Sim was a real boy... in my own eyes at least... His chemistry with Archer and Porthos was undeniable, and the solemn look of fear in his face when he was sentencing himself to die?... My favourite line in this episode absolutely was when Archer yelled out, "Enterprise needs Trip!"... because you could tell, or at least I could obviously tell, if only he would let him admit it, if only we wouldn't have sounded gay while saying it (only Malcolm is allowed to be ambiguously tit for tat...), Archer would've instead admitted to himself, "I need Trip"... and by simply using the name of "Trip" when talking to Sim, who still was trying to convince himself he was Trip?... Sim knew that he could never measure up to the man that he was meant to be... to the man that he was born... to the man that he thought he already was... and that saddened to me... it really did... if only because of the great acting on Trinnear's behalf...

Was Similitude a perfect episode? Not quite... not with the poor pacing at times and the really awkward editing... but quite honestly, despite all the parallels to that god-awful Voyager episode, Tuvix, I really feel like there hasn't been any episode, Star Trek or not, as touching or similar to Similitude in years... and there probably won't be for years either... until Similitude is inevitably cloned on some other Trek series..."

"... sniff sniff... a tearful sniff sniff, that had me at hello... because this is it... the very last Star Trek: Enterprise mini-review until the goddam next year... and while I was so hoping that this week's episode, Carpenter Street, would end up leaving a joyful yet perilous feeling in my gut, like Shockwave Part 1 sort of did long time ago, the sad thing is... the odds were definitely stacked against this episode, considering I've never ever liked a Star Trek episode were they travel to the far flung past... I mean, I only liked certain parts of First Contact, I absolutely hated TNG's Time's Arrow, I personally think Star Trek 4 is the worst Trek movie next to that bloody hell, awful Star Trek 5... and just the other week, I caught Voyager's Future's End or whatever hell episode name it was called, when a human timeship from the 29th century ends up in the hands of a 1996 tech sector billionaire... and considering I hated every single thing in that two parter episode, except for perhaps the doctor getting his portable emitter? Then certainly I wouldn't like Carpenter Street, right? A time traveling episode that didn't even have the decency to be a November Sweeps, two-parter episode... and the thing is...

There was only one moment in it that I truly enjoyed... the human, vile villain certainly had his moments, not caring about terrorism as long as he gets paid, and eating like a slob in the company of a woman as fine as T'Pol... but definitely the very best thing he did this episode, was picking on a poor man in a wheelchair... that definitely pitted him as one of the best damn villains in Enterprise history, since we've all gotten far too used to fascist Romulans and overbadgering Klingons by this time and date... But the rest of the episode? Let's run down the list of characters in it... Mayweather was missing. No difference there... but it was sure as hell weird that Hoshi, Phlox, and Malcolm didn't even show up once in this episode, unless my memory is playing tricks on me... And Trip? Although I liked his reaction to why Archer and T'Pol entered the room, only to leave a second later with the Xindi bioweapon, the thing is... he didn't have anything to do either... Hell, even Porthos had more to do than he did, which kind of left me feeling empty, considering I wanted some sort of emotional follow-up to what happened to Trip last episode...

As for T'Pol, her only real character development was perhaps finally believing in time travel, as she pretty much stopped talking about the impossibilities of it by the time they started trying to steal cars. I guess she also got a taste of how humanity has truly evolved in the past century, as I think she was subtlely comparing to humans she's fallen in love with on Enterprise, to the evil man she was being forced to ride around with this episode... She also got to kick some ass with the Vulcan Nerve Pinch and stuff, plus she didn't really care about that non-interference crap when she brandished her phase pistol, but besides that? She was just an action hero this episode... and so was Archer, pretty much... Now, although I liked the idea that the Xindi were taking human blood samples for their bioweapon, the thing is, how the hell did they get to the past? And what's stopping them from sending more men to the past to simply wipe us out with our own nuclear weapons or something?... time travel paradoxes and time travel stupidities often get the best of me, which is sort of why I've always liked Daniels... because he never hides the fact that time travel is messed up. In fact, he loves messing with our heads even more, and with Archer's especially... I mean, I loved the scene where Archer tried to go medieval on Daniel's ass for abandoning him to the Xindi war. And while it doesn't make clear sense to me why changes in timelines must ripple up to the 29th century (when they can just scan time, mind you), it does make for one engrossing idea: that either Daniels is lying, or since the Xindi conflict was never supposed to happen, that there's a chance humanity actually may get destroyed... if this wasn't a TV show, that is... And as for Archer in the year 2004? His little moments, like stealing from an ATM machine, were actually pretty fun to watch. But while I wouldn't want a comedic episode in the vein of Star Trek 4, I was hoping for more references to how clueless 22nd century people are to 20th century earth technology, if only to make the episode feel more alive than that stupid Millennium Mars episode did on Voyager...

And for the rest of the episode, Archer and T'Pol just ran around, picking on the Xindi and making up some technobabble along the way in a highly forgettable rooftop chase scene... While I enjoyed some of the action (like the human villain trying to betray T'Pol), for the most part, it was just shoot and click with phase pistols, which bugged me to hell, because why wouldn't the Xindi just set his weapon to blow up whatever T'Pol was hiding behind?... but anyhew, even though Carpenter Street was not the overjoyous episode I was hoping it would be, it was still above average for a time travel episode if you ask me... though that's not saying much, I'm afraid... and I'm afraid, Enterprise won't get a chance to redeem itself in my eyes, not until January finally rolls around the corner... long after my bloody hell final exams, that is..."

"It's not like I had high hopes for Enterprise though, which may be why I didn't end up liking the episode as much as I hoped I would... or did I just contradict myself? But, um, nevermind... The thing is, I don't necessarily enjoy it when Star Trek tries to directly handle modern issues in their every day episodes, unlike most of the rest of the insane population who for some odd reason, still credit the Original Series for that kind of crap to this day... But I must admit, that while this week's episode, Chosen Realm, was far too direct in their approach to religious extremism, the episode at least had enough action and enough acting to make it tolerable, if not enjoyable... Most of the crew had nothing to do. Mayweather got a gun pointed at his head, but did he even get to say "no" to his aggressors? Hoshi got to press a button to open up the hailing frequencies. Tough Galaxy Job job there... Trip got a single line or two. And while T'Pol at least got a decent moment where she had to feign sorrow and guilt for creatively "killing" her captain with the transporter, she didn't have much else to do... The three characters who did stand out were Malcolm, Phlox, and obviously Archer. Now, Malcolm didn't say much, but he just looked so damn happy when he was given a gun and permission to shoot stuff!... Phlox had a stroke of brilliance, using his bat as a distraction. That was one of the moments that made Enterprise feel unique again, and Phlox's uniqueness certainly was somehow highlighted by the refusal of medical scans by the alien group... And Archer? This was potentially one of his best episodes of the season. His intense rageful brewing when he was being subjected to lecture after boring lecture from Dijon or Celine Dion or whatever that guy's name was, actually did seem genuine, as if Scott Bakula just wanted to get those scenes done and over with... which actually worked... And I loved his performance on the transporter. He didn't look like he was afraid to die - he put on a real face of being noble, to pretend like he was going to have a noble death... I also found it odd that Archer wasn't stupid this time around. I'm not sure why he was so cautious, but at least he did check the religious guys for weapons. Too bad he doesn't have any organic bomb detectors on board... And also, I reveled in the tiny bit of Archer-continuity this episode. I actually was interested in Archer's defence as to why he tortured a man for information. Archer was trying to justify his actions, but you can see in Scott Bakula's performance, that his arguments weren't very convincing, not even to himself... In the end, the episode tried to draw close parallels between Archer's (USA's) noble wars and the religious wars of Mr. Dijon. I don't think the parallels were drawn intricately enough to be interesting, but at least they were there...

But the religious extremism itself is what bogged this episode down. Because first of all, the terrorists were all suicide bombers. While obviously that was the simplest way for them to take over the ship, I just couldn't help but laugh at how "direct" this episode was trying to be, pertaining to the modern issue... I also hated the fact that the two sides of the holy war were fighting over a difference of just one day in their book of Genesis. I mean, yes, from our perspective, religious wars seem like they're fought over stupid reasons, but the reasons absolutely aren't that stupid. Couldn't the episode have been more realistically direct than just stupidly direct, by making the war seem like it's being fought over dogma, but in truth it's just about land and power?... Now, I liked the idea of the wife wanting an abortion so that her child wouldn't have to grow up fighting in an unending war. I just found it odd how no mention of abortion was called into play in this episode, both from Phlox and the religion extremists, but still... And to be honest? The episode was just so damn full of preaching, both by that Dijon guy and by that doubting Thomas guy, that all the psalms were really grating on my ears by the time the episode finally got to the space battle scenes... But I will give the show credit where credit is due. There was one moment that actually got a reaction out of me: when the head alien guy wiped out all the data from the Expanse. Sure, I doubt this will have many repercussions in the future, but that data to a viewer like me was strangely far more important than the murder of one no-name Red Shirt... I also liked the concept of the spatial anomalies being the work of gods. In essence, people on earth keep believing that anything weird and messed up here has to be the work of some higher being, and that parallel was indirect enough for me to actually appreciate... And lastly, I actually did love the ending to this episode. Reed was happy as hell about shooting guys who no longer could blow themselves up, and if he's happy, I'm somehow happy... The space battle was neat, even though the enemy vessels looked like they belonged to Jango Fett or some crap like that. And the actual final scene depicting the pointless brutality of holy war? Sure, it was predictable, but the view was ghastly, in a good way... I guess it did remind me of September 11th a bit. And in that sense, for once an episode about modern human issues actually did hit home for once... or at least, it hit a bit, just below the belt..."

"But although I wasn't a huge fan of Angel this week, I will still admit that the episode definitely had a lot of rewatch value. And quite frankly, it's been a great week all around for episodic values, as this week's episode of Enterprise, Proving Ground, turned out to be one of the best Enterprise episodes of the entire year as well. The Andorians consistently have proven to be one of the best continuing plotlines in the Enterprise universe, and they fit in almost perfectly with Xindi war arc (I mean, aren't they stuck in the Expanse now?... but, um, nevermind...). I absolutely love the antennae make-up work, as you can actually see when the Andorians are lying by just the way their antennae contradict the glimmer in their eyes. And the idea that species like the Andorians would want the Xindi weapon definitely rings true, considering the Xindi nearly blew up an entire moon with a probe so small that could fit into a damn cargo bay. And that was considered a failure!... while I have a few problems with how powerful the Xindi seem to be (yet two of their ships with shields got wasted easily by Enterprise), I liked Degra's chemistry with General Shran this episode. It was a bit over the top, but I did enjoy the "Andorian Mining" whatever conversation, even though I thought Degra would start blowing the Andorians out of the skies... And General Shran has always been a great character for the series, just like Weyoum was for Deep Space 9. I wished that he talked more about owing Archer debts, but you could see that he had great loyalty and faith in Archer. It's just that, he has too much loyalty to his own people to even try to keep Archer as a friend, except perhaps at the end of the episode...

Anyhew, running down the main cast for the episode... Hoshi was there. Mayweather was there. They pressed buttons. Something new, I see... T'Pol had distrust for the Andorians, but she still seemed to trust General Shran in a sense. She was right about his duplicity, but she obviously has parted with some of her Andorian bias by just choosing to stand on the Andorian bridge... Trip Tucker didn't have much to do, but he did have a moment with Shran. And I loved how Shran generally looked surprised when Tucker admitted that he felt terrible about his sister, but he was still human enough not to want revenge. Perhaps Tucker will be a moral compass for the Andorians some day? He's already a god in my eyes, so why not the Imperial Guard as well?... And Malcolm got to flirt with a militaristic alien girl for once. Good for him. I liked the references about his father not being proud of him. They rang much more true this episode than in Minefield. And it was nice to know he wasn't too naive when around a sweet girl - at least he was looking over her shoulder most of the time... amongst other things... And Archer? He was a bit too one dimensional this episode, as always. But he did trust Shran for the most part. And I did love how betrayed he felt when Shran sent him packing off his ship, obviously because he was... well, betrayed... But for the most part though? The Enterprise crew was just following the plotline of the story. There were some nice little touches, like Tucker noting that T'Pol's been avoiding him since his clone died, but besides that?... the episode may not have been great character wise, but it was definitely an A class story in terms of plot. The Andorians are the best. The Xindi weapon was cool as hell. And hell - the anomaly effects at the start of the episode were enough to set a great tone for the entire rest of the episodic hour. Proving Ground may not have been my episode of the week, but it definitely proved that it could stand its ground against the best of Enterprise episodes from all the past seasons. And for a guy that likes almost every Enterprise episode? That's saying a lot..."

"But the real reason why Angel's 100th episode didn't get the best episode of the week award, was simply because Enterprise was that damn good this week. Short story short, I found Stratagem brilliant and entertaining the whole nine yards through this week, as it was absolutely the best Enterprise episode since Anomaly, if not Regeneration from last season. Mayweather and Hoshi must really love February sweeps, because for once, both of them got something to do in the same damn episode! Hoshi got to continually read family crap from Degra's letter, and at least Mayweather got credit for playing around with the simulator hydraulics and the turbulence factor of the Enterprise... Phlox had some great moments as well, all thanks to the return of Regulan blood worms (I may not have liked Star Trek 2, but I still winced away when the worm was getting ready to enter through the nose... or eye, or whatever...). Malcolm got to shove around Degra and his Xindi buddies. Tucker got to build the simulator (which I sure as hell want for my room!). And T'Pol? She did a lot, although I guess nothing important. She got to call the shots, as I guess women in catsuits always get to do on Starships in the Star Trek universe...

But the real meat and potatoes came solely in the acting between Archer and Degra. Shuttlepod One still remains as my favourite Enterprise episode of all time (though Broken Bow - Part 1, Shockwave - Part 1, Regeneration, and Anomaly all come close), so it's no wonder that I absolutely loved the writing between these two characters in the alien cargo craft, even if it was all a deception... Now, I'll admit it. I was an idiot. I had no clue what was going on for the first ten minutes of the episode. Until the leak, I was thinking Enterprise was having yet another time travel or alternate universe type episode. Only the convenience of the leak hinted me off that all the events were happening so damn quickly to get Archer to gain Degra's trust... and in the end, I was still surprised when the truth came out! Because goddammit, for once, humanity was actually smart! Building a simulator to trick Degra into entering the Xindi weapon's coordinates was simply brilliant, even if it's been done to death on Alias or spy shows or whatever before... Because still... I was fooled. And I loved the look on Degra's face when he himself realized he was fooled. My only problem with him though, was that as cool of a simulation as the Vortex thing was at the end of the episode, Degra should've known to keep his mouth shut. He is a scientist though, not a soldier - and if he's anything like me, I know I'd be too stupid to keep my tongue clasped as well... Now, for a while, I thought Archer would start sympathizing with Degra and his talk of his children. But the brilliance of Stratagem, is that while the Xindi became humanized like any good Trek episode is supposed to, Archer and co didn't even care. Instead of talking about Nora, the wife, Tucker got to call Degra the patented "son-of-a-bitch", and nobody bothered to complain! It was great! The crew had such great contempt for a character who was only trying to save his people, that somehow, the mixture of the two actually made Star Trek feel real fresh this week... Stratagem may have been a really simple episode in the end. But just like Shuttlepod One, it's the little things in life that mattered. From the slicing away of the Regulan blood worm, to the bonding over the sharing of the Andorian Ale, to the sheer brilliant effects of seeing a moon split in two in the background, Stratagem to me had one of the best damn writing strategies going for it out of all the shows I've ever watched. The third and fourth seasons have always been the charm for Star Trek (TNG, DS9, and yes, even Voyager), and it's making me happy as hell to realize, that Enterprise is truly starting to flaunt its stuff as well.

I love February sweeps... except for all the bloody hell mid-term exams, and the grating sound of Donkey Kong on a bloody hell Xbox, but I digress..."

"Which brings me to Enterprise... more or less... You see, this week's episode, Harbinger, was not exactly a favourite with the online critics. Or actually, to be accurate, I think they blasted the episode for being one of the worst on records... They claimed they hoped this episode wouldn't be a Harbinger for the rest of the series. I say I hope their reviews aren't Harbingers for how dumbass elitist and overpresumptious they all seem to be... Because as a 21 year old male who's always really hungry for a horny girl, I actually kind of loved this episode. I couldn't put it above Stargate's Heroes for best episode of the week, since Harbinger lacked any real emotional, political, or plotwise purpose and focus. But it was entertaining to me, to the point where I was actually snickering at the god-awful yet so damn witty and clever dialogue in the episode... I mean, great dialogue in an Enterprise episode for once? Who would've thought? But it happened... Now, rounding off the cast, Hoshi almost had something to do... almost, that is, since she at least got to parade around in a pretty hot and sweaty, work-out bra. And Mayweather got to fight on screen, something we know he'll never get to do against an alien when the stakes are high, since he never gets any worthwhile screentime. And Phlox? Well, he was playing doctor again. Billingsley played the role of a doc trying to ease his patient's pain quite well, but it was a one dimensional role that's obviously been done by all television doctors a million times in a row. And Archer? He for once played third or fourth fiddle for an episode, although he still got some great lines to boot. I loved his screaming and yelling and temper tantruming against Reed and Major Hayes, telling them to "SETTLE IT!" with more conviction and contempt than he ever has shown for the Xindi. But to be honest, his kicking and screaming sort of felt more five year oldish than Malcolm's and Hayes' fight did, but maybe that's just the guy in me talking?... And Archer did get to play a key role in the furthering of the Xindi arc when it came to the alien they found in a conglomerate glob of anomalies. I wished the make-up artists would've made the alien look less like a Suliban than they did (unless that was on purpose), and I also wished they made the guy look more threatening. But looks aside, I knew right off the bat that this alien was a threat. I just never expected him to be the threat to humanity, even after his eyes widened from the mere mention of the name of "human"... I actually was left in disbelief at the end of the episode, when the "Makers" as we'll call them finally revealed themselves. I thought this subplot of the episode was very well done, and nicely interwoven with the A and B acts of the story.

Of course, the critics don't really agree with me that the A and B plots were any decent whatsoever... But truth be told? I extracted great joy and jubilation from the infantile rivalry between Reed and Hayes. Was it cliche? Absolutely. Has it been done time and time again on television? You betcha... But that doesn't mean it can't be fun to the male demographic eye. And I personally loved the animosity you can feel just steaming from the words of the ever elegantly accented, British security officer... Their fight in the end was a bit too homoerotic for me at times (yes, even compared to the wrestling I watch...), considering sweaty guys repeating each other's lines just reminds me too many times of women and men doing the same thing in movies. But some of the moves the two did on each other were actually some of the best fight stunts that Enterprise has done to date (except the Klingon move... that was just cheap... should've went for a low blow or a Crippler Crossface, but I digress...). And I loved the fact that the two had to put their fighting aside to go work together against the alien that would be evil king, even if it was expected. Sure, the rivalry between Malcolm and the MACOs is one dimensional, but since we guys think with our dicks, it just happens to be the right formula for a world of hurt and entertainment... Especially when mixed with extremely horny Vulcans! I mean, if I loved the alien sexcraft in Rajin, then of course I'd loved T'Pol getting it on with Tucker, everyone's favourite Southerner... I'll admit it - I loved their little quick quips when the two were having neuropressure together. While repeating each other's lines didn't work for ambiguously gay Malcolm and Hayes, I was absolutely beaming with delight when T'Pol was throwing Tucker's own words back in his face. I just felt that the two were so cute together, and since I've been waiting for this moment since the first time Tucker covered T'Pol in the doctor's gel, I was ecstatic when T'Pol was getting all antsy and jealous at the mere mention of jealousy... And when she got naked? I don't care if all women viewers were offended by the Vulcan's slutty attitude - she looked damn fine from the bottom up, and I couldn't have felt happier for Tucker... Now, of course I have questions. Yes, T'Pol is more human than any other Vulcan as other other Vulcans have noted, but I still don't get why she wouldn't bother to fight or even half repress her emotions for Tucker. And I don't see how this could fit into Star Trek continuity, considering Spock's parents were the first Vulcan and Human pair, unless nobody ever finds out that the two ever did it on Enterprise... But I don't really care about most continuity issues. All I care about, was that I was still smirking like I myself had just been laid, by the time Tucker was confronting T'Pol in the mess hall. I couldn't help but feel Tucker's pain when T'Pol acted like nothing meaningful had happened, as if it was not even a one night stand, but rather an experiment... I mean, wow. T'Pol may have just lost her virginity, but damn, she was one fine playa', toying with Tucker's feelings... Charles took it well though, better than I was actually... And he even got Jolene Blalock to make a cute, flirtsy face behind her mug when Tucker suggested to continue on with their neuropressure sessions... Now, I'm still hoping these two crazy cats (one in a catsuit) get together sometime, either behind the scenes or not. But I admit, it's still far too early for a relationship to start... otherwise we'd be stuck with Tom Paris and B'Elanna crap all over again...

Now, I agree that during February sweeps, it was awful for Enterprise to air Vulcan horniness and male bravo bashing in the middle of a huge Xindi arc. But goddammit, do I really care what the critics say? I got to see a very horny T'Pol, and I got to see a fist fight with unnecessarily, excessively sweaty men. I got a lot of humour out of this episode, simply from little moments like T'Pol getting a little careless with the female MACO in arms, and a lot of brilliant brevity that I simply could not get from last week's episodes of Stargate or Angel. I personally don't want nor need a string of ten super serious episodes in a row, as critics seem to demand for marks. All I want, is a great arc that keeps me interested, while giving me the fun episode or two inbetween. As great as the Deep Space 9 Dominion War Arc was, most of the serious episodes were simply too serious, and the filler episodes were not nearly as funny or entertaining as they should've been. Enterprise is doing what Deep Space 9 couldn't. Or at least, it is from my point of view... even if that point was awkwardly skewed from being delusionally sick all last week, but I digress..."

"And as for Enterprise... while Smile Time on Angel was one of the most brilliant episodes I've ever watched, it just couldn't satisfy me the way that Enterprise's Doctor's Orders seemed to do... Now, no-name readers must know by now, that no matter how many times it's been done on Trek alone, I just love episodes where the crew goes delusional from a nebula or some crappy anomaly thingy. And yet still, I wasn't expecting much at first from Doctor's Orders, since John Billingsley seemed to state in a recent interview that it wasn't exactly challenging work for him... But I have to disagree with him to some extent. Maybe he just is such a damn good actor that the episode was somehow easy to accomplish for him, but honestly, it was to me the best damn Phlox episode since his first season episode with the two stupid races and the disease (I seem to be forgetting episode names now... I must be getting old...). Technically, no other characters but Phlox got to develop this episode, but Doctor's Orders definitely got to show more than just the side of Phlox that we see day in and day out in sickbay. Every character he saw in his visions was an extension of himself, which leads to great psychoanalysis questions from all Freudian-wannabes like me. I think we all noticed the difference in personality that was displayed in his imagined T'Pol and his human crewmates of Tucker and Archer. He seems to confide in T'Pol, even talking about Tucker as if he knew the two would eventually get together (his pimping habits never change, now do they?... even when nobody's there...). Yet when he sees Tucker, he sees an aggressor. Almost like a rival, actually... And when he sees Archer? It's like he sees a parent, or just a cruel boss, someone that looks down at him from on high. And it's interesting to compare his view of Archer (how he thought the captain was going to chastise him before he put him to sleep) to his budding relationship with Porthos. Just a season ago, Phlox was complaining that he couldn't understand his captain's attachment to a canine. But in this episode, he wouldn't even watch a movie without the dog by his corner, in case the Exorcist (loved that reference) came back to haunt him... But getting back to T'Pol, I absolutely loved how Roxann Dawson handled her imaginary character. I mean, I knew right off the bat when she first showed up, that she probably wasn't real (Phlox did tell Archer that the rest of the crew were all asleep). But even with all the clues along the way (the fact that she didn't flinch at the mention of Tucker, the embarrassment of not being able to read long range sensors herself, etc...), I still wasn't fully convinced it wasn't her until the final scene with the warp reactor. I mean, was it me, or did she look damn cute when she was pointing at the warp core, as if she didn't even know how to press a few buttons?... maybe Phlox sees something in her for himself, considering she's the only one he seems to pimp around to every guy and girl on the ship...

But there's one reason and one reason only why Doctor's Orders beat out Smile Time for best episode of the week for me... Because for the first time since TNG's Night Terrors, I actually got freaked out when watching a Star Trek episode. The Hitchcockian-like shadow crawling on the outside of the ship actually shocked me, to say the least. It was unfortunate that the suspense had to be ruined by the awful sight of a CG Xindi insectoid on the ship, but up to that point, I was genuinely left in suspense. And as embarrassing as this is, seeing Hoshi's face in the psycho shower actually scared me a bit too. It was weird for Phlox to imagine Hoshi of all people as a monster - I'm trying to see how to fit that into his psychoanalysis profile, but I'll chalk that one up to just being panic stricken at the time... The thing is, all the little references in the episode somehow made it one of the best of the season to me. The letters to Dr. Lukas, giving us an update on his return to earth, the references to Denubola being filled with tons of people in constrast to the empty ship, and the talk of Denubolans having hallucinations to release stress actually made the entire one (or two) man story into something more interesting than most soliloquies ever do turn out to be. And you could easily tell I was really into the episode at the time, when even though T'Pol pulling a Beautiful Mind on us was obvious, I was still excited (and relieved... and sort of shocked somehow) to see her lying in bed after Phlox had walked her to her room. I mean, Tucker ignoring her in the background should've been a dead giveaway, but I guess something about this episode managed to keep me in disbelief (and stupidity) all the way. And that's all that I ask from an episode really, and in that sense, I feel that John Billingsley should really take a look back at this show and see that although it may not be his finest work... it's still probably some of the finest acting I've seen on Trek yet... I loved the banter between Phlox and fake T'Pol from the fishbowl perspective as T'Pol strangely didn't know anything about primitive earth warp reactors (I loved the reading the manual reference... as a guy, I can't stand manuals...). I loved the idea of Phlox shooting at Porthos, if only because I was still left a bit shaken up, not stirred, from the shadow crawling on the outside. And I loved the conclusion to the story - Phlox telling Dr. Lukas that he won't delete his letter because his delusional fiction might prove to be entertaining, was exactly in character with Phlox's old self and a nice bit of comic relief to an extremely suspenseful episode. Sure, anyone with logic could've guessed what was happening and what was real - but luckily for me, the fact that the Vulcan perpetrating the logic wasn't real left me doubting my senses, and leaving me in enough disbelief to make this episode the only show this week that left me content by the final credits... It seems that John Billingsley did the impossible. He made me care about television again for the first time in two or three weeks. It just sucks though that he willingly, Billingsley won't take the credit for it..."

"But still, although Angel deserves the best episode of the week props from me, in truth, Enterprise was the episode that entertained me the most this week. Hatchery wasn't the greatest of episodes, but it got the job done for me... I just wish that it wasn't so obvious right from the start, that Archer was acting under some sort of alien maternal influence. If only he didn't seem so druggie obsessive, maybe I could've taken his arguments a little more seriously? Because the episode was definitely trying to paint the picture that it was the right thing to save the hatchlings - Archer's speech about what the crew would do if baby Xindi primates had been found, was actually quite appropriate... And for once, we actually got a reference to the long forgotten Eugenics War! Which ended in the 1990s, if I do recall my modern history... Probably the best scene in the episode was Archer in the hatchery, with all those little bugs crawling around him. He definitely did look deranged, covered in all that goo and stuff, and that definitely did make the scene all the more enjoyable... I just wish the episode was more controversial, that's all. But at least, it was better than any Maquis mutiny episode on Voyager. Not that that's saying much, of course... But still. I give full credit to Tucker, like always. Trinnear put on a hell of a show, looking so concerned for the captain, admitting his feelings of guilt to Archer afterwards. He did what he had to do though - I loved the internal conflict he had in his heart between his loyalty to his friend, and his quest for vengeance for his sister... T'Pol got to get all emotional again this episode. She didn't get much air time, but a) she looked cute in a nerve pinching hat, and b) she kind of gave a cold shoulder to Tucker in her talks. I also found it interesting how quickly she was willing to turn on the captain. While Trip struggled with the decision, T'Pol seemed to go gungho on Archer's ass right off the bat... And Reed got some decent moments as well. Although none of his scenes rivaled the talk he had with Tucker a couple episodes ago, I must admit that there was some nice closure to his rivalry with Hayes this episode. Malcolm admitted he overreacted to the simulation analysis, and Hayes admitted that Westpoint didn't prepare him for alien neurotoxins. Their forced reconciliation and mutual respect was much more realistic and much better done than any reconciliation ever on Voyager or even Deep Space 9 - Reed and Hayes still hate each other, but they're now willing to live with their mutual hate...

And hell, Hatchery even gave moments to the rest of the crew. Although it was dumb for Phlox to be intimidated by the MACOs when demanding to relieve the captain, he definitely did bring his ever jubilant joy to the room when he realized what was making the captain act the way he was... Hoshi got some off air action, translating the controls for the Insectoid shuttle. Too bad the actress didn't get to do anything... And Mayweather got no lines, but he finally got to fight! The brotha' is in the house!... overall, Hatchery was a hollow episode. Except for maybe Tucker, Reed, and Hayes, it feels like nothing really developed or happened in this episode. Tucker did learn that even friendship is secondary to the mission, at least in his own heart, and Reed and Hayes got to point guns at each other... And while Hatchery was indeed an enjoyable episode, if only because of the eerie atmosphere of the Insectoid Hatchery, I can't say it was anything but a decent filler episode... It did bring up a lot of good issues that I wish the episode made me care more about. The humans of the Enterprise age were actually willing to leave the Xindi children behind for dead, which is why I wish Archer actually meant the speeches that he gave to Tucker... And it was interesting to note how little say the crew had against the captain, thanks to the MACOs taking away any sort of democracy on the ship. But still, these few controversies aside, the episode just felt empty... fun, but empty...

... like a hole in the world... I'd like to see what happens if you drop a penny down there, but I digress..."

"While it can't touch Just Rewards, Damage, or You're Welcome in quality, it definitely does stand on its own against every other show on television today...

There's only one show left to review by this anal-cyst... and as the no-name Trekkie, I just have to say...

Azati Prime kicked ass! And all sort of primal ass in the process... While this week's episode may still not beat Anomaly for best Enterprise episode of the year, it definitely follows up on Stratagem as one of the best episodes I've watched in a very long time. Everything about this episode simply felt perfect, even if during the commercials, you started realizing that some things didn't completely add up... Let's start with Archer. Sure, I can complain that his argument to Degra and the other Xindi was a bit weak (then again, these guys must believe anything if they believe a she-voice from the future)... But why quibble about that, when there's so damn much to gloat? Bakula executed his farewell speech with sheer brilliance. His seriousness actually put meaning into his reminiscing of being explorers, and his actor goofiness actually provided comic relief when he mentioned the crew still has a lot of stars to explore... I loved the internal strife and conflict that he's been harboring and bunkering up within himself up until this episode. He still feels regret for Sim's death, and now he has the blood on his hands for murdering three Xindi in cold blood. I loved the scene where he forced himself to destroy the outpost - I actually felt a chill, because he knew what he had to do, but you could see how much grief he was in, wishing that he didn't know... And his suicide mission plan was actually a good plan for once! (although warping right to the edge of the planet and bombarding the outpost with every photon torpedo they've got might've been better...). Perhaps thanks to the overdramatic music that actually worked, I actually wondered what would happen to him as he dived the Xindi shuttle like a sub. And in a way, I was actually thankful when he was captured... His interrogation was far more entertaining to me than Picard's ever was with the "four lights". While Jean-Luc's torture was actually meant to be painful to watch, I enjoyed the comedy that Archer brought into his capture. Some might think that mentioning turtle soup was kind of lame, but I personally got a chuckle out of it, and I enjoyed every bit of the Xindi firing back with news that the Enterprise had been found... And as for his chemistry with Degra? Once again, the two actors worked brilliantly off on one another, and the talk of children (introduced in Stratagem) truly made the episode feel as a whole with the rest of the Xindi arc. Hell, this episode may even outstrip Anomaly in brilliance, simply because it manages to tie into the entire arc of the show in just one episode... While I think the Enterprise-J in the future had absolutely the worst looking corridors since Voyager, Archer's talk with Daniels had me intrigued at the edge of my seat. We finally learned who the real threat was - the Makers will invade and be beaten back by the Federation (which includes the Klingons? What?...), in a scene that lacked battle drama but not brilliant special effects. We learned that the Xindi had been fooled, and that Archer destroying the Death Star weapon will only make things worse. These revelations didn't just bring real meaning to the Xindi arc, but also to the entire Enterprise series itself... Finally, the Temporal Cold War arc is truly feeling like something fresh and threatening. And Daniel's desperation in his voice, rather than his normal cockiness, definitely helped set the brilliant atmosphere of the episode. I mean, if I didn't know Enterprise would continue on with new shows after April, then I could've sworn this episode felt like a massive budget, season finale...

Sure I can quip about the Star Wars parallels. Obviously, the Xindi weapon was the Death Star, but I couldn't help but snicker at how much the Xindi ships underwater reminded me of Naboo, and how photon torpedoes had to destroy "the core" of the sphere... But why complain about silly things like this when the episode felt so powerful in the end, despite its cheesy moments? Yes, it was strange to me that T'Pol not only cried (why cry over Archer anyhew? You love Tucker, T'Pol! Not Archer! Believe me!...), but she screamed at Tucker when she was obviously making an illogical command decision. And Tucker's "what the hell is wrong with you?" comment may have been pretty damn insensitive, but it sums up the scene and her actions quite as well. T'Pol is now obviously showing signs of some sort of internal problem, possibly from the disease she got back in season one. While I felt she overreacted far too much to the captain's suicide mission, I must admit that her character arc is getting really intriguing, if only because I want to know if she belives she feels anything actually real for Tucker... And as for Tucker? I understand the chain of command, but I was sort of upset that he didn't try to press Archer, his best friend, to pick someone else for the mission. But little complaints aside, Tucker had some great lines, from the going in "ass-first" comment, to simply the astonished look on his face when he first saw the wonderfully animated Disney-world of a Xindi weapon underwater. I've watched the episode four times already, and I still get shivers down my spine whenever I see Tucker bracing for that first shuttle dive into the ocean below. The music all throughout this episode was nearly perfect, and was definitely the best Enterprise score done since the Borg episode last season... And if there's any reason to celebrate over Azati Prime, it's that Mayweather finally was important and integral to the plot! Not only did he get some great lines and some great moments with the captain in the shuttle, but he provided some great comedy as well (I still snicker at the sight of Mayweather pulling a Galaxy Quest in terms of flying the ship a little eccentrically...)... Phlox only got a single scene, but it was touching and a nice bit of continuity to see how much he and Porthos have grown to enjoy each other's company. And Hoshi got a moment too... Literally. Just a moment. But at least she was important to the mission for once (her translator did work, afterall...), and at least she got to look like a hottie again with her hair down in the big attack... Reed didn't have much to do this episode, but his acting spoke for itself when he was ordered to target the Xindi outpost in cold blood... And the final battle sequence of Azati Prime? Sure, I can complain that the Enterprise got ripped apart too quickly (it didn't get any offence off except a single torpedo), but the scene kicked all sort of ass! Seeing men on fire, consoles blowing Tucker-clones to the floor, the bridge lights collapsing up above, and good men and women silently screaming off into space... I mean, wow. While Regeneration and The Expanse had some pretty good ship battle scenes, Azati Prime takes the cake... and the Charlemagne champagne while we're at it... I was simply shocked and belittled at how crippled the Enterprise became by the end of the episode, and I honestly don't know how they're going to repair the ship (unless they keep it that way for the rest of the season, ala Year of Hell). The first time I watched the episode, I was literally screaming at the television, "NOOOOOOOOO!!! MY PRECIOUS ENTERPRISE!!!"... I've fallen in love with that worthless, sack of a piece of shit ship... Why, oh why couldn't that fugly Enterprise-J been the one to kick the bucket instead? Why is life so cruel? Why pay the Piper? Why watch Charmed? Why, oh why, must it be goodnight, my Enterprise, goodnight? ... and yet why is it so damn enjoyable, to watch all that senseless slow mo death, mayhem and destruction on the little screen before us?...

That certainly says something about the show, when for once, I was actually hypnotized by the slow motion rather than just smirking at it like in Angel... Azati Prime definitely takes the prize as best episode of the week for me, which is saying a hell of a lot, considering the competition... From Stargate SG-1's "Blue-Ancient-Repository-Crisis" Lost City, to Angel's "La-Blue-Girl-Crisis" Shells, to especially Smallville's "Blue-Screen-of-Death" Crisis episode of the week... then, well... quite frankly, the television for the first week of March has been some of the best television and writing I've ever known, period. No doot aboot it... During any other week, any of these episodes (especially Smallville... Smallville - you kicked all sort of Everybody Loves Raymond ass!) would've taken the best episode of the week award. But that's just how damn good Azati Prime really was... And for that, Enterprise writers, I salute you.

In a week where I felt like a sack of sheer shit... you made me feel like... I don't know...

"Moving along, I didn't review Damage last week, so I'll do a requisite short review of it this week... And simply put, truth be told, while Damage was a pretty damn good episode in the end, it couldn't fulfill my grand expectations after an episode like Azati Prime. Short story short, I thought that Archer was returned to his crew too damn easily, and too damn quickly - I was hoping for some sort of devious plan or something, rather than Archer just felling unconscious on the Aquatics' floor... As for the rest of the episode, there was one thing I loved: Archer going medieval on innocent asses! Oh, yeah! Pick on the helpless! Steal that candy for the babies, yeah!... Finally, my longest living dream has finally been fulfilled! Star Trek has finally become corrupt in the pale moonlight, and a starship captain crossed the line to prey on the weak and pathetically helpless! YES! It's like a sexually charged fantasy come true... The thing is, as queued before, Damage was very similar to DS9's Pale Moonlight, in which Sisko kept his mouth shut of aiding in the murder of the Romulan ambassador. Although I didn't enjoy that episode, I will never forget it's ending... and while Archer technically didn't murder anyone in Damage, he definitely crossed the line that seriously made me smile in guilt. The thing that made Damage superior to Pale Moonlight, was that while Sisko has always been morally ambiguous, Archer was not. In movies where the good cop turns bad, I never care, and why? Because we never got to know the good cop in the first place, just the bad one... But we did get to know Archer as the naive captain. And that's why Damage excelled - because it truly showed the man in charge growing just a wee bit older, and perhaps just a wee bit wiser... I loved the reference back to Anomaly, that Archer was now no better than the pirates who attacked Enterprise early on and killed a crewman. In that sense, Enterprise has truly gone full circle with a storyarc that rivals Locutus of Borg and the Dominion War as the best Trek arcs ever. I shit you not. Archer was fantastic this episode. The darkish, gray lighting in the scene where he admits to Phlox that he's about to break his morals, was simply one of the most powerful Trek scenes in years. And to Archer's credit, he isn't like most of the pirates on the modern day internet, at least not yet - at least he acknowledges when he's doing something wrong, and tries his best not to rationalize. And in that sense, not only did I thoroughly enjoy his lashing of the poor Romulan-reminding race (uh oh...) that he picked on, but I respected him as a person. I mean, he didn't just do what he had to do because he justified it as the right thing to - but rather, he knew what he had to do, and did it accepting the consequences... there is a difference, although perhaps not in the piss poor wording I chose...

Damage was only damaged by a pretty annoying subplot of T'Pol taking Trellium D. I mean, as if... as if honestly, it's like the writers' actually expect soldiers to go off to far away lands and get hooked on opium or some crack like that... which they do actually, but that's besides the point... I personally thought a better reason than just addiction would've worked here. Maybe T'Pol thought she could become immune to the drug to insulate the ship? Maybe she thought it could not only help her relations with the crew, but with the mind disease she now has?... Either way, I didn't particularly enjoy the scenes of her craving a fix in the depressurized parts of the ship. Nevertheless, Jolene's acting truly stood out, as did all the characters in Damage. Malcolm got to look like the innocent brute for once, almost objecting to attacking a friendly vessel (why, Malcolm, why? Pick on the defenseless, dammit!). Hoshi got a brief moment of talking about pianos - plus she got to look as hottie as ever... Mayweather got a cliche line that everyone on the internet but me seemed to care about... Phlox got some good one on one time with T'Pol about her addiction, and put on a great acting performance when murmuring to the captain that it's good to see him again amidst all the dead crewmembers... And Trip? He's always been the man, although I forget why this episode (probably since he was too dumb to touch the force field with his gun instead of his hand, but I digress). And Damage will always be etched into my mind, simply because of the incredible damage that was shown across the ship. I mean, I never enjoyed Voyager's Year of Hell set, because it seemed so damn static and predetermined. But in Enterprise, not only were there bulkheads lying everywhere, but you actually saw the members of the ship actively trying to keep the walls together with welding and fusing and sparkles and shine. Just little touches like that, plus the sight of Archer shoving his inoperable door closed in a maniacal fury of futility, made the episode one of the more memorable ones of the season...

Hmm... guess that wasn't such a short review for Damage afterall... Well, let's see if I can keep this week's episode review for The Forgotten any shorter then..."

"Hmm... guess that wasn't such a short review for Damage afterall... Well, let's see if I can keep this week's episode review for The Forgotten any shorter then...

Because action and set wise, it couldn't stand up to its immediate predecessor. Except for the sight of rations behind handed out in the mess-hall, nothing really stood out about the scenery in Forgotten. The plasma leak was an interesting special effect, but to be honest, the emergency threat to Enterprise kind of felt like a piss poor tack on to the real story of the episode: the character arcs... The Forgotten may easily be forgotten by my friends as just another filler episode with little to no combat, but to me, it was special enough simply because it brought out the absolute best in Trip Tucker Trinneer... Now, I won't talk much about Captain Archer or Degra, considering both characters were kind of neutral this episode, sharing evidence that wouldn't even be considered evidence by any race other than the one who takes the word of "she" without any proof... But Degra was note worthy for one scene at least, when he was forced to deal with the attack on earth in the face of Trip. At first, I thought about smacking Trip for defying the captain's attempts to mend relations with Degra, but then it struck and bitch slapped me back - what would an American soldier say to Heinrich Himler in World War 2 if he ever got the chance?... Once again, we got the Michael Jackson look of "for the children!" in Degra's eyes, but before I could roll my eyes, I was pleasantly surprised that he started taking responsibility for his actions, rather than just thinking of his own species and making excuses... And Trip? Wow, every scene he was in was golden. I mean, I even laughed at his awful attempts to write the letter at first (yes, they were really that bad). And hell, I even felt a bit creeped out by his dream with the dead Taylor, if only because she had that kind of eerie "Remember me, bitch" look to her bubbly cheeks... And as I mentioned, every scene that Trip was with another character, the rest of the crew would just feed off of him and his talent. For instance, Trip was so damn focused on himself and the ship, that he barely even cared about Malcolm frying in the plasma pan over on the side. And Phlox did a great job as a "car salesman", but Trip did an even better impression of a guy who simply couldn't care less... And when T'Pol finally came over to talk with Trip at the end of the episode? I mean, wow... I talked about Smallville having an impact on me, but I'm thinking the only reason it did was because I watched it after Tucker nearly made me weep in sorrow this episode... Because honestly! Give the man an Emmy! I knew it was coming - a reference to Taylor being like his sister or something. But I never thought it would hit so close to home with me, for reasons I can only guess at right now... Connor Trinneer (and the director, Levar Burton) played the moment brilliantly if you ask me - Trip was trying to hold it back in like a man but just couldn't, resulting in tears that were much more realistic to me than any movie has been able to achieve for a very long time... And when T'Pol put his hand on his shoulder? I don't know why, but it touched me how he gently grabbed it back and nodded. These two characters have the best of chemistry - I've known it since the first episode of Enterprise... I just never knew how emotional and steamy their scenes could be when neuropressure or a hot shower ain't involved... The only thing pretty negative about Forgotten, was that it seemed to forget all about characters like Hoshi and Mayweather in the process. But since that's never been an issue for me for the past three seasons, why start nitpicking now?...

Forgotten may not have been better than Damage of last week, but it sure did come close to earning my best episode of the week award. What irks me is that each and every week, each of the three major shows (now that Stargate is gone) continue to gain on each other in quality and equality. I mean hell, when even Smallville ends up entertaining, you either know that a) you're getting lucky, without getting lucky (goddammit), or b) something is wrong. Something is terribly, terribly wrong...

Nevertheless, the Leafs fucking beat the Philadelphia pussy wipes. Wednesday was a fucking great day in television...

"It's just too bad Enterprise couldn't spiritually fulfill my needs after the Leafs kicked the bucket this Tuesday... This week's episode, E2 (E-squared, actually), was a decent episode dealing with character development. And because of that, every actor and actress on the show got a turn to shine for once... Hoshi finally got a few decent lines in, revealing that she was curious about her children but not her potential future mate. Mayweather got to do something other than utter cliche lines, although sitting down at a table with a plate isn't exactly stretching his Titanic acting limits. And Reed finally got a moment to shine as well, as he sadly realized the truth that he never married a woman on the ship (although rumoured as being ambiguously gay, he does have other options...). And Phlox got to play the pimp again. I mean honestly, how many times is he going to be the tool that just magically sways Tucker and T'Pol together?... and Archer? He played a stagnant but in-character role this episode. Most of his time was spent looking around the alternate Enterprise, wondering whether to trust their story or not. In the end, since Archer trusts everyone (although a chat with an old T'Pol does help as proof), he blindly just believes the other Enterprise has his best interests at heart. This leads to a pretty interesting space battle between two Enterprises that should not have evenly be matched (considering one was much more repaired than the other... though one was much older than another...). And in a sense, this week's episode was a nice reminder of Archer stealing warp power from those Romulan-like aliens a couple of weeks ago (guess Archer taught Lorian quite well...). But in the end? The episode did feel quite hollow... It was a simple story of a ship from the future, changing the past out of guilt. It had none of the drama of Yesterday's Enterprise for example, nor was the set of the alternate Enterprise nearly as compelling of that of the alternate Enterprise-D at the time. The only real plus of the story was the paradox at the end of it - did the other Enterprise exist or not? Why does Archer and co remember it if they never travelled back in time? Was the ship destroyed saving their lives? We don't really know... Although I normally complain about ambiguously gay endings, I personally thought this little paradox of a twist was a nice change to the everyday alternate timeline storyline.

But while the core plot of the episode was kind of bland, one thing truly did shine: the Tucker and T'Pol romance... Now, I've been saying it since Broken Bow, and I'll say it again - these two were always meant to be together. And Tucker complaining about T'Pol's stubbornness after explaining away quite a comical honeymoon adventure of theirs, just highlighted their chemistry even more... And gosh, look at that! Tucker even cares enough about T'Pol to notice something was wrong with her (and yet Archer still hasn't noticed, even after she attacked his desk)... But the real classic moment in this episode was the extremely well done scenario with the two T'Pol's meeting. Jolene Blalock did a superb job of playing the naive Vulcan versus the one with all the memories. The old T'Pol was wise and yet sorrowful - I felt real meaning in her words when she was talking about her life with Trip Tucker... And our T'Pol? It was weird enough that she didn't find it weird that she was talking to herself (let alone a time traveling version of herself...). But the look in her eyes when she was told her emotions for Trip would never go away?... yup, that was the look of love on her eyes! Or of lust, but either one is good for the viewers at this stage in the game... Now, I sincerely hope that the writers don't screw up this romance like their did with Tom Paris and B'Elanna, or Jadzia Dax with Julien Bashir (yeah... that one sure worked...). I was never a fan of Kira with Odo either... but honestly, how can the writers ever mess up Trip with T'Pol?... Or Trip In T'Pol (TiT for short)?... I already love the two in love, which never happened with another Trek relationship (outside of Riker and Troi), and that was E2's strongest point. It may not have been a great episode, but in terms of the two real stars of the show, it was a great filler episode with serious (and possibly thought-provoking, with Sarek in mind...) future repercussions... up to 117 years of repercussions, actually... as long as Enterprise gets renewed for a fourth season, that is...

... and with my luck this week? It better damn be... or else my life officially now sucks..."

"But the real hero of the week is Degra, and the real episode of the week award goes to Enterprise... Now, this week's episode, The Council, may have been a bit too slow paced to match wits with the best of Anomaly and Azati Prime. But it was a hell of an episode, that truly took the emotional toll and momentum from the previous episodes in the arc, and created an episode that truly made me proud to be a Star Trek fan... Now, the biggest problem with the episode was obviously the Council sessions. First of all, after all the Star Wars references this season, I was at least hoping for a council with plenty of computer generated members. I mean, a council of 10 guys? Wasupwidat?... And the dialog in the actual council scenes was simply atrocious at best. I know the writers were short on time and tried to minimize information redundancy, but honestly... Redundancy would not have been redundant! It was ridiculous how Archer just made statements out of nowhere without first pointing out his proof. And it was ridiculous how the Xindi just kept yelling at each other, instead of even discussing the evidence given... But with that said, there really weren't any flaws with the episode. Hell, every character got a great role in it... Malcolm got to show grief, even though it was obvious that after First Contact, any crewmember with the name of Hawkins was doomed to red shirtness... T'Pol acted dumb by doing the usual TV thing and not warning about a hologram before you ram it. But her Vulcan axiom, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few", truly rang truer and soother in my mind than at any other time in the Star Trek universe, even when it was said by Spock... Hoshi got to have some fine chemistry with the captain again for once (for like the first time since Broken Bow?), talking about never being sent to the principal's office. She also got to translate a lot (sonar as a language? cool...), even though every other person next to Archer in the council chamber didn't need a translator. And then for some odd reason, she was kidnapped by the Xindi reptilians. For once, she was actually wanted! Hoshi the hottie indeed... And for once, Mayweather got some key moments. He even saved Malcolm's ass by firing a big ass phaser at some stupid Canadarm thingy. And if even Mayweather could kick ass in an episode, then it just has to be the best damn episode ever!... well, close enough at least...

Phlox had some amusing moments as well, thanks to the contrast of his Subway diet scene with what happened before the strategically placed commercial break... But the real keys to this episode lied in Trip, Archer, and Degra. The three combined for some seriously powerful emotional work. And maybe it's because it's been a horrible week for me, but I almost teared up when Degra was about to die... The cinematography in the scene where the Reptilian Commander knocks on the door was simply amazing - you knew Degra would die, but the scene made you hope he wouldn't... Trip himself got some powerful moments himself. His humanizing forgiveness of Degra was a nice ending to a great seasonal arc for him, but his most potent lines were probably when he was relating his anger to an "old friend". It actually rings true for a lot of feelings I've become forced to endure over the ages... And while Archer in the council grated my head in only ways Lana Lang can, he was amazing with Degra one-on-one (if that sounds good...). They showed true trust in each other, which somehow felt natural after all the episodes they've been through together. And Archer's reaction to news of Degra's death almost made me shed the tear I had almost forgotten... And to top it all off, the episode ended with a great battle sequence (albeit a short one) with Xindi ships all converging on the Death Star or whatever. As if it were a Borg Sphere, every photon torpedo just bounced right off the Xindi weapon's shields - and as cliche as invulnerability has become in sci fi, as a huge fan of the Borg, I was a huge fan of this battle... From the opening sequences with Degra threatening to fire on another Xindi ship, to the pieces falling together as to why the naive Xindi would actually trust the word of the Guardians, to the epic To Be Continued feeling at the end of the episode... well... the episode was not perfect, but thanks to the Xindi arc, it was all so powerful that I think I actually did shed a tear at the end... when I realized the season was ending in just one more week... when I realized the show may not be renewed for a fourth season...

Archer may not be the best captain, but... Enterprise?... well... it's my hero... and definitely my episode of the week..."

"As great as Angel was, to be honest... if it wasn't for the sentimental fact that this week was its series finale, I probably would've given the best episode of the week award to Enterprise... This week's episode, Countdown, had a pretty crappy first act, but made up for it with two amazing acts after that. Rounding off the characters... Hoshi finally got some air time! WOOHOO! Brainwashed Hoshi for life!!!... Although, um, I don't think the Linda Park would've been completely happy with either a) making zombie grunting noises all episode, or b) lying unconscious in sickbay for the rest of the time... but eh, oh well, AOL, you take what you can... Her squealing and struggling were VERY poorly done at the start of the episode though. She didn't even look like she was trying to resist. But she made up for it with that orgasmic scream of hers - she really is Hoshi the Hottie, you know... and at least her sptting and not-very-successful suicide attempt got her high marks for her high marks... Though alas, while Hoshi finally got air time, Mayweather didn't. Good for him. Back on track, I see... Trip and T'Pol sort of got a back seat in this episode, but dammit, they had me at "Trip"!... if that sounds good, that is... Finally the two started getting along with each other, as evident from that "you may buy me a drink" joke that T'Pol pulled on Trip that dinner. And personally? That dinner between the threesome on Enterprise definitely reminded me of the best of the first two seasons. Archer's lame attempts at being social, Trip being optimistic again about seeing earth, and T'Pol once again getting annoyed at her companions' 'humanity' definitely proved itself to be a nice contrast to the rest of the dark edged, double sworded season. The whole scene had a very ominous feeling to it as well, sort of like a last meal so to speak... Phlox didn't do anything memorable, but he played the role of the good doctor to perfection, arguing in a very believable manner to save Hoshi's life... And Reed? Malcolm may not be the best at the emotional stuff (I sort of laughed at his callousness while Major Hayes was dying), but it was nice how his plotline with the MACOs was finally brought full circle. Although Major Hayes' death wasn't very touching (although I didn't predict it for some odd reason... what's wrong with me?), the scene in the Armory afterwards made up for it. For the first half of the season, it had felt like Reed was being ignored. In the end though, he didn't just help the MACOs feel like part of Enterprise, but he came to grips with his military past and perhaps became one with the MACOs as well. And who knows? Maybe one with the force. Afterall, he does have the Obi Wan accent... sort of... His speech about Hawkins being his "responsibility" rang true, and it's speeches like this that make the Xindi arc and a new season worth fighting for.

Archer unfortunately wasn't his best this episode. He got some boring scenes with the Aquatic Xindi, and it's not like he had any brilliant tactics for taking on the Xindi weapon. But he showed great captaincy and conviction in his argument against the doctor at the end of the episode, and like I mentioned before, he played a nice second fiddle to Trip in the dinner scene. For the first time in a long time, their friendship really shone... But the real winner of Countdown was the brilliant battle and special effects. I mean damn, how the hell did the Aquatics build a ship that damn big? It looked at least as large as a D'eridex Warbird. Then again, they built the Xindi weapon, so... And the special effects of the Xindi ships being ripped to shreds by the Anomalies? They were some of the most unique and compelling CG graphics I have seen all year, movies included... Sure, I can complain that the five Xindi species and their personalities go too much hand in hand with their looks (and the designs of their ships), as if the series was stereotyping or something. But while that may not sound like good "Star Trek", it definitely provides for good television in my opinion, as the Arboreals and Xindi primates do seem wise, and the Insectoids even turned their opinion around 180 degrees in the end like their heads... The real highlight of the night was the intervention of the Sphere builders though. If they could create suffocating anomalies like that at will, why didn't they just destroy Archer long time ago? Their Spheres are massive weapons, and although I would've liked confirmation of this from other than the Insectoids, it was nice that the Xindi were finally shown real "proof" that perhaps the Guardians are not on their side. And now we have a story split with Trip and T'Pol getting ready to destroy the entire sphere network, with a touching comment of T'Pol having to "watch over" him... It would've been more idyllic if they were going up against "Sphere 31" though. Then at least the internet might think up as many links as it can to Section 31... but still... While Countdown wasn't the greatest of episodes, it provided a great countdown to what I sincerely hope will be a stellar season finale (NOT a series finale! Enterpise has been renewed! Finally! Yahoo.ca!... although on Fridays, unfortunately...). And dammit, Countdown has brainwashed Hoshi!

... although... sniff sniff... I will miss Angel... at least I now have Enterprise - I'm not just stuck with goddam Charmed and Smallville, but... Goddammit! Damn you, 'friends at WB'!... damn you...

Well... if Angel will never win an Emmy... you think I can?... oh, nevermind..."

"This season of television had a whole crapload of cliffhangers: Smallville, Alias, and even Angel to some extent... I never expected a cliffhanger from Enterprise though. Which kind of sounds ridiculous to say, considering both of the past two season finales have been cliffhangers themselves... I guess I still have that old school, "safe" Star Trek feeling or something. Even after great cliffhanger episodes like Best of Both worlds, Favour the Bold, and Scorpion, I still haven't learned my lessons, now have I?...

Enterprise's season finale, Zero Hour, had all the potential makings and mark-ups of a tried and tested true Star Trek classic. The whole Xindi arc had led up to this one pivotal moment alone, and I expected nothing but the best from this episode, especially considering Enterprise's $230 million annual budget... the best of both worlds, at least... but I didn't exactly get that. Because just like with most Star Trek second parters (with Best of Both Worlds being the only exception), the finishing half of a brilliant arc is always ruined by some sort of lacky, lacking writing...

Zero Hour's strongest point was definitely the varied use of each and every character on the show. Hoshi got to have the expected mental breakdown, and it contrasted nicely with how ruthless Archer was being in the bedroom with her (does that sound good?...)... Mayweather screamed out, "ME TOO", just a bit too loudly, as if he wanted to make sure he actually got heard this episode. He didn't have many lines, but he definitely was always in the midst of the action, piloting the shuttlepod down to earth and everything... Phlox got to do more technobabble this episode than I can ever remember him doing before. It did irk me that he just stood up and somehow magically pulled out of his ass "rotating frequencies" to drive the Sphere Builders away, but it was all made up for by his quacky sense of humour during the emergency. I loved his "don't scratch it" comment about Tucker's skin, and his cliche yet heart-pounding countdown was really effective in creating a tense atmosphere to the episode, if you ask me that is... And Reed didn't get many lines, but he got to kick ass and truly take names. The stunt devil who did that Buffy-style double kick from the ceiling completely didn't look like Keating though, but the smug look on Dominic's face when he was pulling endless amounts of remote explosives out of his pockets and ass was pure Reed all the way (he probably keeps them there and more places all the time...)... and Archer was his usual "Airlock Archer" self, I suppose. He pushed Hoshi to do the right thing, and I could almost see some chemistry between the two, if he wasn't old enough to be her father at least... I didn't particularly enjoy his acting with Daniels this time around though, unlike in Azati Prime. Archer was simply too ignorant of the Federation that we all care about, and it kind of felt odd that his temper was interfering with the celebrated canon announcement of which races were at the Federation founding... For the rest of the episode though, Archer was pretty spot on. Scott Bakula played the driven man as well as he could, showing concern for Hoshi, while doing the Kirk-captain thing and making sure that he's the one to go down with the Xindi weapon, not any of the people he cared about. In that sense, his talk with Daniels was spot on - if I were a captain, I might refuse to send one of them to their death just to spare my own life, although I suppose sending them to their death is the decision any smart and logical captain should make...

The real stars of the episode to me were Trip and T'Pol to me though... as always, it seems... I mean, this is honestly a first for me - I'm actually oohing and awhing along with the 'shippers' on the net! Jolene Blalock's shakiness when talking about Vulcan in peril really reminded me of the threat the galaxy was facing (and almost made me forget that the threat was 400 years away, and not immediate as the episode tried to make it)... I loved Trip's comment to T'Pol later on, about looking like an old oil painting. I snicker like a giddy school girl every time he teases her like that. And I loved her reaction - she finally confided in him her age, and it really had meaning, considering we the viewers have been waiting three years for the news as well... Zero Hour had a lot of little touches like that actually, instilling nostalgia into those who were with the show right from the start. From Dr. Phlox's letter of jubilant grief to Dr. Lucas, to T'Pol petting Porthos for the first time, despite all the things she said about dogs over the years... well... the episode had a lot of sentimental value to it, that's all. And that's really how the episode shines.

Where it doesn't shine however, is the actual plotline... Now, I loved the scenes in the Expanse against the Sphere. The countdown along with the amazing skin makeup and the fancy camera colours, really made a cliche scene feel tense and exciting to watch. I loved the Sphere Builders using their force energies to whip fireballs through walls - sure, the Sphere Builders didn't achieve anything, but they looked rather menacing as they were quite literally churning apart the ship like butter... And Trip's one-liner, "it sure is", when the deflector pulse was finally done? Not only did it lead to an amazingly creative effect of the Spheres collapsing back into their realm, but his timing worked perfectly with the "time's up" from the doctor just a moment sooner... But while the scenes on the Enterprise felt grave, I was sadly bored to tears with what was happening back near earth... I mean, what the hell was wrong with the MACOs? Two of them were missing in action, and the other got his ass kicked after doing the slowest ever martial arts I've seen outside of Riker ville. And the whole overload thing? It just felt so anticlimatic to have the finale have Hoshi read out a rod order, when it would've been much easier just to beam a nuclear bomb onto the damn Xindi weapon... The only redeeming quality of the episode was Commander Dolim's death. I was complaining about how slowly Archer was getting his ass kicked at first, but the smug look on his face after he planted the bomb on the Reptile's back definitely made it all up... well, not for everything in the episode I suppose... Because honestly, what the hell was wrong with earth? There were no ships in orbit to defend the planet, even after 20 minutes of the weapon just sitting there? There were no space stations, no satellites, no ICBMs on earth? The only help earth got was from Shran, who had one boring dogfight with the Reptillian ship, compared to the events of Countdown at least?... Some of Shran's one-liners were simple yet great, but when the action around earth is so dull? I don't know then... I'm almost wishing that... I'm almost wishing that the ending holds the key as to why the hell earth sucked so much...

... At first, I hated the ending. I mean, it came right out of left field - I never saw it coming. It was surreal, like the Planet of the Apes remake (which had an ending similar to the original novel's, I've heard...)... It didn't make sense at first, until I took a closer look at the alien behind the mask... and I know there's a few differences between this thing and a Reman (skin and eye colours) - hell, it looks more like a cousin or a reject of the Master Vampire from Buffy season one... but still, I swear it looks too much like a Reman to ignore. And I'd be very happy with this ending if it leads into the Romulan conflicts that we all know are bound to happen by season five... but we won't know for quite a few months, now will we? For now, I can just be happy and reasonably entertained with the wildfire responses on the net. Because for the first time since Azati Prime, I actually was interested enough in the future of the show to actually check the Star Trek Enterprise forums... and truth be told? The outrageous reactions to an outrageous ending were worth the price of admission alone... Hell, StarTrek.com going offline from all the traffic was worth the effort alone...

... sniff sniff... I'm going to miss Enterprise this summer. It had one hell of a season - definitely the best that the writers have put out since Deep Space 9 last left the airwaves anyhew... I loved how Trip and T'Pol are slowly falling in love - it's the first romance I've ever cared about since Riker and Troi (or Buffy and Spike, if you include other shows...). I loved how Archer had to make the tough decisions - he truly is growing into a worthy precursor to Kirk... and after the wackjob ending to Zero Hour? People can hate the show all they want, but there's no longer any doubt that this show is meant to follow in The Original Series' footsteps. Only the 60s could ever come up with insane ideas like alien nazis taking the captain hostage... or the young 66s actually, on her next birthday...

So here's to Enterprise's third birthday. Here's to another great season... I think I speak for everyone when I say, "engage"...