IvanF's Uninformed, small Smallville Weeks in Reviews of the Third Season of Smallville (2003-2004)...

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- IvanF's Archived, Cut & Paste, No-Name Reviews of
The Third Season of Smallville (small Smallville Weeks in Review, 2003 - 2004) -
(... wait for it... ahem..." this show sucks... Wasupwidat?..." ...)

I've hated it since I started watching it in the second season... and unless I suddenly become a flower girl druggy gone eyes wide shut, I probably will end up hating the show for the rest of its hellbent incarnation... or at least, until Lana and the rest of the whiny cast is replaced... and the writing crew is fired... and Enterprise takes the show over, but I digress...

So why did I bother even reviewing the third season of Smallville this year? In retrospect, it was pretty damn dumb of me to waste all that time and resources on it... I mean, it's a remote possibility, but maybe reviewing or even watching Smallville threw me off my game to the point where that's the reason why I failed my third year of university?... I still don't know how I failed my third year of university, especially after passing the first two harder years of computer engineering in the first place (before I started reviewing this show)... but if I'm looking for a goddam scapegoat, then there's no better ass to brand than goddam Smallville's...

I hate Smallville. Hell, I blame it for world hunger, the oppression of Antarctic dolphins, and THE FUCKING LEAFS NEVER WINNING A GODDAM STANLEY CUP, but I digress... flowerpuff girls unite...

But honestly, why did I bother ever starting up my now infamous (okay... maybe not so infamous... just annoying...) "small Smallville weeks in review"?... Well, to be honest, only two people ever frequent this site: my close friend and myself. And since he's a huge Smallville whore, I sort of agreed with him that if he watched Stargate SG-1, then I'd watch Smallville... and, well...

He watched one episode of Stargate SG-1. I watched every damn episode of Smallville. Not so fair, now was that?... and yet I kept watching. I don't know why...

Maybe it's because my other friends at school all seemed to like the Superman myth as well, no matter which country they hailed from? It's a universal thing for geek boys I suppose, and watching the show definitely gave me something to talk about and share with the folks back at the campus. And over MSN Messenger, I was already giving them my small Smallville reviews (despite their protests and ignore lists, I might add...), so I decided, why not just copy and paste the crap I wrote onto my goddam useless website?... and thus, a legend was born... a legend that sadly will never die...

The third season of Smallville was simply atrocious by my standards (though not compared to Smallville standards, sadly)... Every single fucking week, I beat my head over with an ugly stick at the god-awful Clark and Lana scenes, repeating themselves as if they were a broken season one record. And every single week I swear, Chloe would never learn her lessons, and Pete would never do anything other than what Mayweather would pull on Enterprise... The Kent parents may be great actors, but their character arcs just weren't compelling whatsoever, not even compared to the Martha-working-for-Lionel one of last season... Yes, I was thankful that the "Freak of the Week" syndrome was mostly gone from the Smallville epic arc, but we were still stuck with awful episodes like that one with the magnetic personality guy... And even when the Superman mythos was being developed, I still couldn't help but be bored to tears at just how unnecessarily evil Jor'el was acting towards his son, as if he was a HAL machine gone wrong or some crap like that...

... season three did show some promise, a lot more than season two ever did... Sure, my forehead still dons the bruises and concussions from all the times I had no choice but to watch those strangling Clark and Lana scenes, but at least none of it was as bad as even the finale of the second season... And the friendship between Lex and Clark really developed and captivated me this season, which was strange considering I was against Lex ever being on the show in the first place. And the war between Lex and his father? The Julian angle was handled brilliantly, providing for me the ONLY Smallville episode I've ever actually loved: Asylum... and hell, Smallville was even decent enough at times (Delete for example, thanks to hottie Molly) that it stole the best episode of the weeks award from the shows that I actually don't hate...

Judging from my notable episodes list down below, I suppose you could tell I'm not a big Smallville fan (although my "I hate Smallville" comments might've given that away prematurely...). But at least, there are some episodes I thought were decent this season. And at least, complaining about the show has given me something to talk about with the troops at school... I love it when they cover their ears... if only I can goddam stay in school, that is...

... and yet, I started writing worthless reviews for it?... who would've thunk it, eh?...

Notable Episodes: Perry, Delete, Obsession, Truth, Memoria, Forsaken
Best Episode of the Season: Asylum

"Anyhew, I've already wasted enough time on Xbox reviews that nobody will ever read... So out of pure boredom, I think I'll start a new trend: the IvanFian Smallville week in review. And here's a tip... unlike all my other reviews, I'll keep the review real small, considering I've hated Smallville since the very first episode I saw (early second season, I think)... so without further adieu, here is the first ever 'IvanFian small Smallville week in review' review:...

"Anyhew, it's now officially time for what I know all yor non-existent, noname readers out there have been waiting for weeks! Salivating like Pavlovian dogs, it's finally time for yours truly's... "small Smallville week in review" review!!! See the three exclamation marks? It has to be good then... And this week's episode? Phoenix was it?... it doesn't really matter... all that does matter is...

... "What the fuck? Dr. Desiree the second, is really a frickin', having-herself-a-boner, Dr. Evil? What the fuck?... and now, who to fuck? But that's besides the point..."

... and there you have it! Definitely my best Smallville review EVAH!... granted, there's only been one noname Smallville review before this, but still..."

"Anyhew, enough boo hooing about the stupidity of the online world. Now it's time for what you've all obviously been waiting for: the small Smallville review of the week!... now, I don't even know what the episode was called, so I'll just go by the "Friends-system" of naming, and call it "the episode with the kryptonite bullets" or some crap like that... and, well... How did I feel about this noname episode?...

... "What the fuck? Bad guys are too fucking stupid to shoot at the damn head? Wasupwidat?... and God - honestly, how damn stupid can Lana be? She was told the truth to her fucking face! What the fuck is wrong with her! I swear, every single fucking week..."...

And there you have it! A review for the episode that has no name, much like myself... but now, onto the important shows in life... "

"Anyhew, I know that while one of you readers actually cares about my Y2kk rants and my weekly video game reviews of whatever, I know that all the rest of you Y2kk readers out there (yes, all two of you) have all been only waiting for... the one... the only... the IvanFian, no-name small Smallville week in review!... Now, this week's episode of Slumber or REM or whatever the hell it was called, was actually more interesting to me than Smallville has been in years... or possibly ever... but still...

... "Skinny dipping = cool. But Superman being fast enough to dodge bullets, but not goddam swords? What the hell is 'upwidat?... Slumber started out with so much promise, but ended up feeling like Superman vs Freddy and Jason by the end... though I do admit the ending lines didn't hurt like kryptonite hell for goddam once..."

And, well...with Enterprise running a rerun this week of potentially their first and worst episode of the season, I was afraid that Smallville was all the TV I was going to have... and that's not a good thing... that's a thing as tortuous as Martha Stewart to me in the end... "

"... well, I had my Digital mid-term exam yesterday. I traded one hour of my life in for 25% of my final mark, and the outcome doesn't look so good... but whatever happens, already happened. So I have to do my best to cast all my frustrations aside, and focus them all like a New Ager moving to New Hampshire, into providing the best, damn, goddam "small Smallville week in review" review that I've ever done in my entire life!... and that's saying a hell of a lot, considering each and every week, this is the moment that we've all been waiting for...

... "WTF? Smallville aired an episode about solar flares... the same freakin' day as we got hit by the worst solar storm since 1989?... WTF are the chances of that?! Honestly, wasupwidat?!..."

... but seriously, I was seriously surprised that I actually liked most parts of this week's Smallville episode, Perry. Hell, I even chalked one up to the Shanghai writers when they even conned me with their Perry White, bungee cord stunt... but then of course, everything decent that I felt about the episode was completely ruined by just one damn, awful speech from Lana Lang near the end, that made me compare the show to the bloody hell worst moments of Dawson's Creek for the umpteenth time in a row... goddammit, how in the blue did Smallville get so good at vampire sucking the life from its own show? I'll never know... but for that, dear Smallville, I salute you..."

"But enough with the George Lucas and Matrix bashing for a day... and don't forget Lord of the Rings, but I digress... Instead, it's that time of the year that we've all been waiting for! The penultimate period of the smallest and greatest, Smallville, week in review EVAH!... now, I don't even know the name of this week's episode, so I'm just going to call it Superman 1961 or some crap like that... so here goes...

"Clark Kent, pulling a Matrix? WTF?... Making the episode as bad as Revolutions?!? Why the fuck would they willingly do that?!"...

Seriously though, while this week's Smallville episode was interesting in parts, or small doses at least... the fact of the matter is... the Lana and Clark plotline is painful to watch. It's Dawson's Creek, genetically mixed with Everwood, at it's worst... And although it wasn't Clark and Lana really in the 1961 scenes, the acting and cliche writing sure as hell was... no wonder I re-twisted my gut muscles again this week... those two god-awful love birds truly are my version of kryptonite, don't you know... next to watching Matrix Reloaded again, at least..."

"Whoakay... now that's procrastination for you... Instead of studying at all for my Digital test tomorrow, I spent the past hour... watching some god-awful Smallville rerun about some girl who eats the fat off of men... The thing is, I guess things have finally gone full circle for me when it comes to goddam Smallville then. Because if I do recall, this fat-sucking-bitch, freak of the week story, was the first ever Smallville episode that I can actually, ever recall... it's not to say I didn't catch any Smallville episodes before this one, long time ago in a television galaxy far far away. But at least, before Pete got knocked out from some ravenous girl, there sure as hell weren't any episodes that were actually this stupid enough to actually remember...

Which brings me to this week's new episode of Smallville, of course... Because yes, you know it! It's that blessed time of week again! Now, I don't even have a clue what the episode was named, so I'll just go by the Friends formula again and call it, "The Episode with the Really Stupid Magnetic Personality Guy"... but whatever the episode was called, does it really matter? Because all that matters... is that once again... it's the IvanFian small Smallville week in review! The moment you've all been waiting for it!...

"We're back to the freakin' freak of the week formula, I see... Now trust me - I would make fun of the episode, but because it was so damn boring? I'm actually drawing a goddam Grosse Point blank...

So... umm... since I've got nothing better to say... Gladiator >>> Master and Commander 4ever! Wasupwidat?... "...

Hmm... actual IvanFian writer's block... for an episode that has no name and shall remain memoryless and Calculus causal for sure... Because you see, at least the ravenous girl episode had a plotline that was actually original enough to keep me Gladiator entertained. But this week's episode, where Lana goes bad girl from some Magneto clone, minus the good, gay acting? God, this concepts been done on so many television shows before that it's not even funny (especially when it's done so much better in anime porn... but, um... I digress)... and truth be told, since this episode wasn't funny or entertaining at all, I really could care less about it... but at least the WB promo for next week's Smallville looks decent... but we'll have to wait and see... Gladiator 4life indeed...

But while Smallville proved to be a bitter disappointed (not that it ever isn't, by my standards), my Wednesday night (the night that nothing could go wrong, if you read my download update) was mercifully saved by one of the best, if not the most in depth, Angel episode of the season thus far... "

"But anyhew, I've rambled enough about a game I'm going to review in a couple days anyhew. So now it's on to the only thing you dear readers ever do care about!... That's right! It's finally time for the small, Smallville, week in review! It's time for sadly, the very last small Smallville week in review until the end of the Holiday season hiatus... So if you feel like you're going to go through some IvanFian small Smallville review withdrawal over the next month or so, make sure to copy and paste this report on "Shattered" or "Shattered Balls" or whatever the hell the episode was called, onto your desktop as a holy prism of a psalm of a prophetic background... because here we go!...

"... umm... Lana just got her ass handed to her... by a horse?!... umm... I know this sounds cruel of me, but...

Truth be told, I was actually looking forward to William Shattnered, if that is what the episode was actually called. Unfortunately for me though, now that the first half of the Smallville season is finally finished, the only episode that I even remotely liked will have to stay the Perry White episode. And the only Smallville moment that I still rather enjoy, was the sight of that cocky, Clark bastard finally getting what he deserved with a kryptonite bullet to the chest (but why the hell wouldn't the damn guy aim for the face?... one can only dream...)... But Shattered? First of all, not getting Morgan Edge's old actor back was pretty inexcusable. Sure, it would've made sense if Lex was actually seeing things that weren't there, but since that wasn't the case? Then hearing Edge with a completely new voice and seeing him with a completely different body build just didn't work the same wonders as it did in Batman the Movie, I'm afraid... or even the Simpsons, when Lisa got braces... And as for the plotline of the episode, although it was interesting how Lionel was setting up his son for madness so that he could get away with the murder of his own parents, the fact of the matter is... I don't know... if this were Enterprise, I would've loved the plot-twists and all the twitchy necks... but since this is Smallville?

... heh... the look on Clark's face when Lana told him he was too dangerous to be around (even though it was Lex who was the dangerous one this time)?...

And, umm... okay, guess I finally got that out of my system (and trust me... ask my friend who was talking to me on the phone through this episode... he'll confirm that both of the above are actual IvanFian quotes from watching the episode... sadly enough...)... "

"But all Stargate and Angel rants aside... I know what you people really want... afterall, I am the people's no-name champion...

Thought I forgot, now didn't you? But how can I possibly forget, now that it's finally time, for the long awaited return of the IvanFian, no-name Small Smallville Week in Review!... this week's episode: Asylum... and I may sound like I'm insane for admitting this, but...

... but yes, it's true. Oh it's true... It seems that in my old and ripening age, I've gotten soft or something... Now, I don't mind given Torque 14 stars and 16 candles in a review or some crap like that, but I do mind actually admitting that I actually liked a Smallville episode for once. Because honestly, what the hell is the world coming to, when I actually enjoyed the theme of a Superman episode?... Now, I knew that Lex would be forced into losing his memory. The series couldn't go on without the constant fear that the soon to be evil Lex Luther finds out Clark's secret... but I actually felt sorry for Clark in his parent's speech, that there are simply some people in the world more powerful than Clark is or will ever be. And Lionel Luther, after seemingly going soft for the first half of the season, really did seem evil this episode. And powerful... Now, the superhero action in this episode was typical lame Smallville, although I did like the return of that glasses wearing Iceman guy, if only thanks to his newfound X2 stardom. And the Lana scenes were cheesy as hell - I felt like bursting into vomit at that awful final scene in the Talon or whatever that place is called, although I must admit, the girl ignoring the guy in plain sight sort of reminded me too much of my own life... And what the hell was up with Adam? I'm hoping he's evil or something, since he looks like a Cro-Magnon unibrow or some crap like that. But I'm afraid that might simply be the new "in" style for teens this day, so maybe there isn't any real hope for Smallville or the world anyhew... But still, all of that crap doesn't change the fact that <GASP!>, I actually enjoyed a Smallville episode for once. I mean, just the sight of Lionel Luther in panic after realizing he had wiped his son's memory clean of Clark's secret, was enough to actually make me watch this episode a second time around... and prove to myself that yes, fairy tales and nightmares can come true... because Smallville has earned from me its first ever (and hopefully only) IvanFian, no-name episode of the week award... Hence this not so small, Small Smallville review... let's hope that it never happens again... lest we ever forget..."

"If you've been frothing in unbrideled anticipation all week long for my small Smallville week in review, then I'm sorry to tell you that... umm?... that the review is gonna be even smaller than it normally is this week... Because all thanks to my sister coming over for Chinese New Year Eve, I was forced to give up the television remote to the so-called guest in the house... and instead of catching the latest episode of Smallville? I was forced to puke down the horrible bile of a vile creation that's only known to the public as "American Idol"... not that I'm complaining though. While I'm sure I would've just loved this week's episode, Whisper, just as much as any other Smallville episode of the past, the truth of the matter is... well?

"Well, technically, I should be doing two small Smallville weeks in review today, considering I finally did catch a rerun of Whisper the other night... but the only problem is? Well?...

"But as for this week's episode, Delete?... I mean, the promos for it looked promising, considering I've always been a fan of those brainwashing e-mails known only as MyDoom spam... but still...

"Goddammit! Molly was hot! Good thing she was too, otherwise this episode really wouldn't have anything to save it from the goddam Windows Recycle Bin..."

Yeah, it's true. I have a thing for psychotic, computer girl freaks out there with glasses. Just ask my high school obsession if you want goddam confirmation... Now, Molly didn't have a perfect face, but goddammit, she took the entire episode by storm as soon as she whip creamed on those most-likely fake glasses of hers, just to look sexy smart and seductive to horny bastards like me... But as for the episode itself? I'm already trying to delete it from my own memory. The Adam plotline is already making me roll my eyes, as literally every scene with Lana on screen either had me literally laughing out tear gas from my ass, or holding my head in goddam pain... Clark and Chloe neither got any decent moments either, although I did see some romantic possibilities between the two for once, if only because of the Lois Lane mention... And Pete? Omigod! Pete actually got something to do! He should get captured every week or some crap like that, if only to get the black man on screen... Really, the only saving coup de grace for this episode was the two tandem of Molly and Lex. Not only did I think the two budding psychos had some real chemistry, but I actually am interested in seeing whether Lex can get his memory back... and what he would do with Clark's secret if he did?... Lex is the only character on the show that I've ever cared about. Now if only Molly can become a recurring character, then maybe I'd actually have a reason to watch the show rather than just to whine on these websites of mine..."

"And yet despite all my own personal ravings and rantings, and singings of praises for Stargate this week, it still couldn't muster away the top episode of the week award from a certain other show this week... Of course, that show definitely wasn't Smallville. I'll go fuck myself the day I give the best episode of the week back to goddam Smallville... Because as for this week's episode? I forget the bloody hell name of it, but all I know is...

"God, I hate goddam teen television interpretations of fate. I got enough of that shit back in high school... I didn't like it back then. And without my angsty high school obsession around to cloud my judgment, I sure as hell wouldn't like it now..."

Of course, I'm being a bit of a hypocrite here. I enjoyed a similar episode about fate on Stargate last year, yet I absolutely hated the fact that fate could change in Jordan's vision in Smallville this week. Sure, I've got possible explanations why that could be, but I'm not going to get into those... All I care about, is the following: a) Clark's moral dilemma at the end, about changing fate, was so damn painful to listen to, that the only thing to save the scene was the realization that Clark couldn't save his own father... b) Lana is an idiot. Adam is obviously evil. Look at those damn eyebrows! Though Jordan's revelation about him is starting to get decently Resident Evil entertaining... though I hated that movie, but I digress... and c) Chloe and Lex once again showed some real chemistry together, but neither character did anything interesting. Sure, this episode was simply meant to set up the future February sweeps episodes, I'd wager. But in a week where the competition for best episode of the week consists of Heroes, You're Welcome, and Stratagem?... well... all I can say, is thank God I don't have any reason whatsoever to give the damn award to Smallville again..."

"But you want a show that succeeds at nothing? Then watch Smallville... Because last week's episode, Velocity, was... quite frankly?... short story extremely short...

"The episode felt like it went by so damn, painfully slowly... except for how quickly I changed the channel during commercials. Now that was fast."

But I certainly should give credit where credit is due... Velocity was a Pete episode, and acting wise, he certainly delivered. For once, I actually cared about his character, because he really portrayed a desperate man seeking help from a friend for his family... The episode was also supposed to remind us that Pete and Clark have drifted apart as of late... but I really could care less about all the lectures Clark was giving him, since Mr. Superman seems to be forgetting all the horrible stuff he did just last summer whenever he talks to someone else from on high... As for the rest of the episode? Chloe was there. Did she do anything? I forget... Lana got threatened. But thankfully, she didn't have a Dawson's Creek type moment with Clark for once... Lex got to make a lovely speech to Clark near the end. It makes me wonder where their friendship is headed, but without any mention of the mind-wipe, I didn't really care in the end... And Clark's father being in the hospital didn't really phase me. If he dies, I will be definitely surprised. But right now, he's just as untouchable as Superman, and somehow (probably because I was sick), I just couldn't give a damn about seeing a man in a hospital bed playing checkers... But at least one thing was cool about the episode. I was laughing all the way at the sight of an illegal car racing syndicate in the tiny town of Smallville. Of course, I don't think I was supposed to laugh at that, but at least the premise of the show was entertaining enough whenever Pete was on the move... even if I wanted to punch Clark with kryptonite when he was showing off his running skillz by blowing right past Pete going 100mph...

But Smallville wasn't the only episode with a trailer that was far more engrossing than its actual episode was. Unfortunately for Angel, it too succame to the pressures of making me expect too much thanks to a pretty decent promo... "

"Actually... if Damage really did cause that kind of damage to my perception, then that'll really explain something that's really been bugging me since last nice... because you see, I hate to admit it, but I actually enjoyed Smallville last night. The episode, Obsession, was really nothing special, but still... it's just that...

"Damn, that girl's got some fine panties!... Goddammit, this episode made me want my obsession back in my life. I'm now obsessing so damn much about my obsession, obsessing about me like panting-panties Aisha would... if only I was as good looking as Clark that is... but I guess, that's besides the fatal attraction point..."

I don't know. The little things in this episode seemed to click for me. I loved the scene of Clark and Aisha getting it on in his bedroom, probably because I couldn't see her face behind her fine hips and ass (her face was... umm... not exactly the greatest to stare at...). And even the Clark and Lana scenes clicked for me for once, as I guess I really like the look of jealousy on a girl's face, although I still did slap myself silly when Clark was stupid enough not to admit how he still felt about Lana... Pete got only a single scene, but somehow he reminded me of my own high schools friends, rooting me on when absolutely nothing was happening. And Chloe? Well, she and Lex were around. I liked Lex's comment about "being there" and done that, but basically, the two characters were shifted into the background... But still, nobody should get the impression here that I actually liked Obsession. It was a good episode though, on par with this season's Perry White one. Some parts of the episode made me groan, like the idea of Adam being a pawn to get at Clark's secret. But others made my groin more than groan, as just something about Aisha constantly kissing Clark and putting pictures all over his place, made me just sigh and wish that I'll have a girlfriend as nice as her one day... and yes, I know. I'm sick. But that was sooo last week..."

"And as for Smallville?... well, I could lead into it with some fancy, crappy intro about my small Smallville week in review sort of crap... but since I'm short on time?...

... There. I said it. I didn't like this week's episode at all, the one with the liver transplant suicide bomber - whatever the episode was called... Now technically, the episode did bring up some decent moral issues, both with the idea of taking a life to save a life, and with Clark's dilemma of admitting to the authorities that his blood can save lives... But besides that? What was there really? There were a couple of Clark and Lana scenes about truth, justice, the Russian way, and crap like that - and just like any other episode, Clark lies to the sound of my ass slapping myself in the face... Pete got to show up, Chloe got to pretend like she did some journalist work, and Lana got to reveal some timbits about Adam. But that's about it... Lex had some decent moments threatening the Korean molecular scientist (who has no accent whatsoever, might I add). But besides the look on his face when Clark sped by and stole the vial of his blood, nothing really happened with Lex either... And about the main storyline? Since I seriously doubt Clark's father is going to die (otherwise it'd ruin the Superman continuity timeline), I really couldn't give a damn about his triple bypass thingy... sorry to say... I did find that Garrett's acting when he saw his brother dying for a second time, to be rather decent in the end - but then the whole idea of a kryptonite bomb sort of threw me back on the "this episode sucks" sort of Lana lane... Probably the only thing in this episode that I did like was the coolness factor of Clark using a X-ray lead apron to get rid of the bomb, but even that scene kind of annoyed me, because Clark was still able to get close enough to the kryptonite bomb to grab it, without even getting affected by the kryptonite at all (if that was the case, he should just keep running light circles whenever he's close to kryptonite - he'd never be weakened then)...

But oh well, AOL, at least Smallville will always have Angel backing up its rear, if that sounds good that is..."

"But you know what was probably the best damn episode of the week?... Well, it seems Smallville had a bit of a little "Crisis" this week...

"... the first half hour was Raymond's face (from Everybody Loves Raymond) just frozen in space, making a face on the goddam television screen... the rest of the show wasn't much better: a blue screen of death, telling us there's some technical difficulties, as if Raymond just staring blankly into space like a naked zombie on prom night wasn't fair warning enough... And yet the WB somehow still found a way to run commercials during their broadcast?!... and you know what this means, right?...

Suffice to say, the episode didn't exactly air the way it planned... Or did it? The title of the episode was strangely ironic afterall... Either way, I'll probably catch a rerun of the show sometime next week. Not that I'm losing sleep or anything about missing another lame Adam-goes-psycho and Clark-hides-things-from-Lana-yet-again episode, of course...

Luckily, the WB managed to fix their television feed by the time Angel aired. And thank God or the Old Ones for that, because goddammit, I wouldn't have wanted to miss this episode... "

"But I'll leave the details of one of the worst hell weeks of my entire short university history for my Tweakui and download sites... 'twas a week of infamy, that will probably only be beaten out in the "to-be-bashed-with-an-ugly-stick" competition by the upcoming Hellboy... But all personal IvanFian ranting aside, I might as well point out that Smallville itself had a crisis of its own last week. I finally caught a rerun airing of Crisis, and simply put, suffice to say...

"God, that episode sucked. Why didn't they just stick to the brilliant, blue screen of death thingy they had last week? At least that had a decent plotline going for it..."

In a week where I was having my own midlife crisis, obviously I couldn't be bothered with the Smallville episode of Crisis... I mean, sure I did watch it, but did I really care about it?... well, I can't really hate the episode for its use of time travel (at least it mostly stuck with my own beliefs, that the future is already set). But I can fault the episode for a) bringing that time travel crap out of nowhere with the goddam use of a cellphone, and b) for that god-awful scene where Lana actually believed Clark appeared out of nowhere due to time travel, and not because of the superpowers she must've seen him use a couple dozen damn times by now... Now, I admit, the episode did have a couple of decent moments. The Korean scientist with absolutely no accent became humanized enough to die a pitiful death, a decent plotline started with Lex vowing to take down his father, and the wonderful twist and juxtaposition to the storyline of Lionel Luther being on deathrow. But all these minor little moments couldn't save the episode from contracting a bloody hell liver disease of its own and dying a horrible, Everybody Loves Raymond death... Chloe was useless except for being captured. Lana just ran around. Was Pete even there? Clark's parents were stupid enough to give Adam a gun. And Clark himself? Couldn't he have just ran around in all directions after he just missed Adam stealing Lieutenant Hammond's truck? I mean, at bloody hell lightspeeds, I don't think it would've taken long to comb the entire goddam block... The episode felt like a popcorn movie in most respects. Unfortunately for me, the popcorn movie in question was that horrible Clockstoppers movie, which I simpy refuse to accept that Jonathan Frakes actually directed... If Crisis is any example of the February Sweeps best that the Smallville writers can mustard gas up, then give me a bloody hell technical difficulties screen anyday... and bring back Angel, goddammit! I'm talking to you, WB..."

"Let's get down to business. Last week in television absolutely reeked of suckiness in my opinion, including NHL Hockey (thanks to my beloved Maple Leafs choking in Game 4). But this week in television? This week was good... Enterprise was back, Angel pulled off the best episode of the week, the Leafs eliminated Ottawa yet again (and Game 6 was entertaining, even though we lost), and hell, even Smallville was memorable...

First of all, let's backtrack to last week. Smallville aired some horrible episode called Legacy or Manny Legace or some crap like that. All I know is that...

Bah. I'm not even going to bother trying to think up something to say... The episode flat out sucked. Should I go on? Let's do... You see, the episode was just a bunch of horrible, melodramatic melancholy that I would never damn care about unless it came from my wife. Lana was being angsty as ever, rejecting Clark for the stupidest and overused of teen television reasons. I didn't care for the other females on the show either, considering Martha just played her worrisome sorry Trump card, and the apprentice Chloe wasn't even there... and Pete? Oh yes, his two seconds or less of screen time was golden globes quality, that's for sure... There was only one good thing about the episode: Christopher Reeve's return. Whether he's a great actor or not, it doesn't really matter. What matters, is that like Lionel Luther, he brings a real presence to the small ville screen. What I didn't enjoy though, was that while his talk with Clark was interesting, the ending of the episode simply was too stupid for me to bear. I mean, sure the key is practically magical - but how the hell, or why the hell did it transport it's way to Dr. Swan or Dr. Seuss or The Swan or whatever?... Maybe the answers for that will become apparent one day, but there's one other thing bugging me: what the hell is wrong with Lionel? Not only did he have the longest (an entire month was it?) suicide attempt in recorded history, but his menacing qualities were just absolutely wasted this episode in his desperate attempts to save his own life. While I do like the father vs father vs father thing now going on between Lionel, Jonathan Kent, and Jor'el, I did not like the fact that a) Mr. Kent was far too unnecessarily, ambiguously evil this episode and b) Lionel was still too damn stupid just to hit Clark with a baseball bat and see what happens... I mean, Lionel Luther goes through all this caveman trouble, for who? For what? For a man so powerful, he really is quite obsessed with the stupid things in life, without realizing how to get what he actually wants (but then again, the Superman universe is filled with non-glasses wearing idiots)... And even Lex Luther wasn't really entertaining to me this episode. All he did was wear an FBI wire - that's about it. And that's it about the episode, actually... it was all a bunch of filler crap that will hopefully actually be filled in when the season finale finally airs. But even if all my questions are finally answered, it still wouldn't make this episode a good one. It provided far too many question marks, when providing not even enough answers to make it feel complete with the episode it's supposed to be a direct continuation of... It may have been an integral episode in the arc, but it was also surely a waste of my time.

... and that's the cold heart truth about the legacy that Legacy has left on me..."

"But you know what else in the truth?... I can't believe I'm going to say this... Hell, I can't believe that I can even handle this, but... the truth of the matter is?... the truth and reconciliation?... well...

Damn Chloe. She and that damn truth serum... She brought the worst out of me, by actually making me laugh not just at the show, but with it for once! This episode was just so damn stupidly retarded, that it was actually as entertaining as those old school episodes of Buffy that I thoroughly enjoyed for no logical reasons whatsoever... Every character in Truth was, to be honest, brilliantly used. Let's start with Pete - I still chuckle at his "supersonic" admittance to Chloe early on, not to mention how pissed Clark looked at him afterwards (which was cool, considering they've both already completely forgotten about the Fast and the Furious rip off a while ago... I wish I could too...). And I was literally laughing hysterically when Pete put the lip locks on Chloe! Not only was it ridiculously funny thanks to both Clark's and Chloe's "ick" reactions, but it was just so damn entertaining, because there was absolutely no chemistry between Pete and Chloe whatsoever! It truly was a guilty pleasure - seeing a kiss on television as awkward as anything I could probably bring to the screen... and ah, it truly deserved to go in the books for best on screen kiss ever. I'd vote for it at the MTV awards, at least... And Lana? Well, I'd be lying if I said that he awful talk with Clark at the end of the episode didn't have me banging my head against metaphorical high school lockers all over again. But I just loved the reaction on Chloe's face when Lana admitted she couldn't trust her. Somehow, Ms. Sullivan's jubilant cheeriness juxtaposed against Lana's overwhelming seriousness, just brought out the best humour in the scene for me... And the Kent parents? I forget if Jonathan was even in the episode, but I simply loved the reaction on Martha's face when she started talking about Clark's biological father. Her jaw was literally hanging off her cheeks when she realized what she had done, and was probably her best acting I've ever gullibly, lullably enjoyed in the series... And Lex Luther? Once again, he was back to being the man. Or at least, The Man... It was his project that did this to Chloe, and I loved how he cared more about getting to the truth about his father and his lost past than about Chloe's condition. Finally he's starting to look like the half evil man he was before this whole mindwipe thing of his... And once again, I did feel that spark of chemistry between Chloe and Lex. Both have that twinge of innocent evilness in them. I know that Chloe won't turn out to be an evil queen bitch in the end, but still... I really do see in both her and Lex the ability to turn both ways at the forks coming in the road, and for this one week only, I'll actually attribute that to good acting and <GASP! Don't say it, Chris!...>... good writing...

But goddammit, for one week only at least, it's true. I loved Chloe Sullivan this episode, as her evil smirk really did unleash the guilty pleasures I've been holding back ever since the end of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I loved how damn selfishly, devilishly, orgasmic happy she was when she went around to all the high school students, asking for their deepest secrets without any hint of remorse... And when she directly asked Clark about his secret? Although I did slap my head silly when she never put 1+1 together and realized he was IMMUNE to her powers for a reason, I still just loved so much the expression on her face when she was bitch slapped down, that it'll probably go down as my favourite scene of Smallville for the entire damn season... Now, the episode wasn't all pluses and smiles. The whole murder thing with the teacher from Stargate brought a whole negative demeanor to the episode that I really didn't care much for, and the battle on the bridge obviously wasn't very interesting to me until I slapped my head at the stupidity of Chloe getting knocked out for the umpteenth time in a row (although Clark ripping apart her clothes to literally touch her heart was every guy's fantasy, I suppose...). But none of that changes the fact that this episode was at least the second best Smallville episode of the year, simply because of the chemistry between Chloe and Clark... Though it wasn't love I saw... and it wasn't friendship either... but rather, I saw a hint of evilness in Chloe. And I saw Clark care more about his own secret identity than he did about her... and in that sense, Chloe and Lex truly belong together. Because for this one episode alone, the truth of the matter is, Chloe could provide the best damn villain to Clark Kent that this pathetic teen show can provide. Afterall, comic book heroes normally do battle in the end with their best friends... I learned that from M. Night's only decent movie out there.

Okay, I admit it. The truth is painful, but the truth must come out: I loved this week's episode of Smallville, far more than I could ever care for last week's episode of Angel... There, I said it. Hurts, doesn't it?... But it's not like that's saying much..."

"Damn, do I feel stupid... I was just out in the backyard, helping my father and neighbour out with the fence we're rebuilding outside. The old fence had finally succumb to the gales and pressures of the nightlife in Canada, and sort of... umm... blew apart and blew away, to places we quite frankly haven't exactly determined yet, but we're working on it... The thing is, I was digging a hole through the earth, trying to get underneath a stupid chunk of wood that was still lodged in the ground. I worked fifteen minutes on it until my dad just came along, shook his head in disgrace, took a sledgehammer, and knocked that slab of wood right into the sky with one swift backswing...

... and, well... damn... yeah, after three years of U of T engineering, I definitely feel dumb...

"WHAT THE FUCK?! TWO fucking good Smallville episodes in a row? What the fuck is the world coming to?..."

Yeah, well... I was surprised as anyone else to find out that goddammit, Memoria was just as good as Truth last week. I mean, what are the chances that the Smallville writers could actually strike gold twice in two weeks with their previous track record?... Once again, the episode was light on Lana, cleavage on Chloe, and precarious on Pete. Meaning, I got no stupid ass, cheesy scenes of teen angst redundancy between Clark and his never to be girlfriend, Chloe was noticably absent, and Pete wasn't around for no apparent reason whatsoever either, like always... And hell, the episode wasn't even about Clark, although thanks to that Evanescence or Everquest or Everwood or whatever song at the end that always softens me up, even I kind of enjoyed the talk with his mother about forgetting his biological mother (was Lara really his first word?... damn, wish I had that kind of memory when I was a kid...)... Nope, while I enjoyed the sight of Clark squirming under the pressure of that "I know your secret" thing from the best Smallville episode of the year so far, Memoria was truly a bravo story between Lex and his father... The running theme of the Smallville season seems to be loving mothers vs hateful biological fathers, and even compared to the Jor'el stuff we've been given, Lionel truly takes the cake this episode. I mean, nearly every single Lex Luthor flashback scene was heart wrenching. Whoever played the small Lex did a hell of a job, but Lionel did an even better one. The look of mangled and wrangled pain, sorrow, and fury in the strangling eyes of Lionel when he saw baby Julian dead, was probably the best damn acting I've seen in Smallville all year. And hell, to top it all off, it was even topped off by the tears forming in Lionel's eyes when Lex finally told him the truth. I never would've suspected that it was Lex's mother who killed her own son out of love so to speak. In a sense, it speaks volumes about present day abortion issues... And the look on Lionel's eyes when he admitted that things really would've been different between himself and Lex if he had just known? Honestly. I may not be a fan of the Emmies, but that was some of the most incredible acting I've seen, on any show for a very long time. For once, an emotional scene was truly heart breaking to me. And considering Smallville's track record in my small Smallville reviews at least, that's saying a hell of a lot..."

"Now onto the crap of the week. Or if you're Lost in my Translation?... I'm talking about the small Smallville week in review. And what was this week's episode? Talisman, was it?... Okay, here's a short story short for you: I hated every episode on Buffy that dealt with Spiritual Knives or Talismans. And I especially hated every episode of Buffy that dealt with Native Americans (simply because those storylines always end up cliche and politically correct), although I think there was only one... and short story even more short?... Smallville was definitely no exception to the IvanFian rule... because? Well...

"Okay, so Lionel Luther now knows people can be bulletproof? So if he's even remotely intelligent, why doesn't he just goddam shoot Clark or something to figure out his secret? What has he got to lose?... Talisman was yet another blatant reminder of the stupidity of the characters in the show... and I haven't even gotten to Lana or Pete yet... Now those two don't just take the cake. They're baking it..."

But I will get to those two in a second... Once again, short story short, Talisman was a bad episode, although it did have a few, vague redeeming factors... I liked the stressing of the "friend becomes foe" prophecy from previous years, a prophecy that the audience knows the true meaning of all too well. And Clark and his family being clueless about it did give the episode a bit of an ominous feeling to it. But honestly, Lex Luther has grown so much in the show, that it's hard to imagine him ever being a ruthless enemy. I think he's grown so likeable that I'd hate to see him an an enema of an enemy, but I guess that's the point... but still... if they're going to change him into a villain soon, I don't think they'll be able to do it well. Not with his list of good deeds at least...

And other positives about the episode? Well, I liked the tree hitting effect... and, um, I laughed when Clark was being stabbed in the gut, but still... The negatives? Ah, yes, the negatives... Once again, the episode started out with cliche Native American characters (or Jeremiah at least), complaining about land being stolen from them and stuff like that. And I'm not saying that I don't think Natives have the right to complain or earn back their land or anything. I'm just saying I'm sick of hearing it on teen shows trying to be smart and informative, that's all... And Clark? Why didn't he just go into supersonic speeds and take the damn knife when he had the chance? If we learned anything from this episode, it's that Clark can't see in bullet-time unless he's already in bullet-time (or if a bullet is shot at him for some odd reason). So why the heck didn't he even try to gain the surprise on Jeremiah or some crap like that?... But oh well, AOL, at least I didn't have to deal with any Clark and Lana crap this episode - that was gladly replaced by some prophecy mythos mumbo jumbo instead... As for the Kent family, they didn't do much except pretend like Jonathan miraculously saving his son was a shock or something... Lionel Luther was a pure dumbass this episode, not connecting 1+1 together and proving that Clark is not even human... And Lex was looking quite unnecessarily evil this episode. I guess he's only good when Lana is around to make him horny or what?... Lana herself was annoying as hell. Does she really need to be a character on the show? I'm really rooting for her to just leave for Paris. Really... And the Chloe and Pete subplot was just awful at best. It didn't flow at all with the rest of the story, it didn't connect at all, and if this is the kind of sendoff that the Pete character is getting?... then, well... I guess, The Man really is keepin' the black man down. Once a footnote, always a footnote...

"It would've been nice if I watched even a single season of Frasier, a show that deserves all the praise it gets, rather than wasting my time with Smallville and my small Smallville weeks in review that nobody ever reads... but a funny thing happened with the show this week...

"WHAT?! Smallville's now 3 out of 4? What the hell is going on here?... that sure as hell ain't no small feat..."

The thing is, Forsaken can be easily forgotten as just another episode, for the most part at least. Lana's dealings with Lex and Clark about leaving for Paris grated my brain as she always does. Pete had a bunch of meaningless, tacked on scenes that just make him look like a traitor for abandoning his friend, and highlighted just how useless he is to the series (if it's true he's leaving the series). Chloe kinda surprised me with somehow using mad L337 hacking skills or some crap like that, to rebuild Lionel's voice message confession, but besides that? She was on screen for a few minutes max. She didn't even really interact with Lana, who was leaving... And Lex? Well, for most of the episode, he did quite do nothing. I didn't feel the chemistry between him and his father like I normally do when Lionel discovered the FBI wire. And unlike last week, even the ending of the episode didn't really point out an evilness in Lex's heart. He was back to being good again as far as I was concerned... But whole Forsaken definitely had flaws, I have to admit that for some goddam reason, I actually sort of liked this episode. Forsake me not, but still... Clark actually had a real dilemma that I almost cared about this episode! He was going to tell Lana his secret, and then thanks to some meaningless Pete Ross scenes, he realizes that maybe it's for the best that he just lets Lana go. I still banged my head against pavement when he just smiled at the end of the episode without even saying he'll miss her, but at least he had a real reason to fake his giddy composure this time around... And the return of Emily was actually quite welcome, since she featured in one of the few episodes last season that I actually was semi-interested in. The idea of locking a pretty girl in a glass room with no way out somehow felt appealing to a stalker guy like me, and overall, I thought the actress did a great job of feigning lonely insanity. I still don't get how water falling at a super slow rate could stop or even reach a being running at the speed of light, but oh well, AOL, who am I to question such great writers?... normally, I say that with the sharpest of sneers, chagrins, and sarcasm. But this time, I was most impressed when so many loose ends from throughout the season finally came together for the arresting of Lionel Luther. We all know the reason why Lionel has gotten sloppy and desperate, and hell, I almost wished he would've told his son the real reason why... That's the power of Danny Glover for you right there... or, um, John Glover... but still, Danny Glover was The Man in Predator 2. Same thing applies here. And when an ending of an episode is this damn good?... I tend to forget or forsake the rest of the crap that came beforehand..."

"And speaking of horrible shows?... Ah, yes, Smallville's season finale, Covenant, aired just yesterday on the WB... Don't you just love the WB?... They shaft Angel, but give the thumbs up to horrible shows like Smallville and Charmed in the process (although I can forgive Smallville, since it does feature Superman)... And how exactly was the season finale of Smallville?...

"Oh dear God... I see the series ended the season the exact same way it started. By putting me through an entire hour of ridiculous pain... First it was 'old man Kent can now kick Smallville ass... Wasupwidat?!?'... Now we have Kara kissing ass and taking names... Goddammit, why can't it be Enterprise kicking Smallville's ass? WHY CAN'T IT BE ENTERPRISE?! Wasupwidat?"...

Anyhew, Covenant was quite a letdown to me. After a string of (I hate to admit this, but) decent if not excellent Smallville episodes, Covenant just reminded me of all the same reasons why I loathed this show for kicking Enterprise's ass last year... First of all, let's get to the no-name characters... Pete wasn't in the episode. I mean, his five meaningless minutes of air time last episode was actually his send-off from the show? WTF?... And Chloe? Umm, considering I checked and I know she's coming back to the show next year, I don't exactly understand how she could get blown up and survive (unless there's a big reset button next season, that is). And it's kind of funny actually - the moment we finally meet her dad, is the moment he gets blown to smithereens... And Lana? Oh dear God, what have they done to your hair?! And the acting? My God, the acting was atrocious! I mean, I've said it before and I'll say it again - I literally bitch slap myself in the face every single goddam time Clark just lies to her face. And I don't even bitch slap myself in a good way! No siree. Instead, the show just feels stupider and stupider every damn time Clark is alone with Lana and lies about how he feels, or drops the goddam cliche rose that he was meant to give her before she left. But at least one good thing turned out from this whole charade - at least I got the biggest laugh of the entire episode when Clark was too damn thick to even remember he was supposed to chauffeur Lana to airport. And at least a possible Clark-Lana-Lex love triangle might be in the works for next season... Now, how about the Kents? Martha just whined about her husband's pact with Jor'el. She didn't have any of the charm and motherly wit this episode that she normally shows, although I guess that was sort of the point... And as for Jonathan Kent? Finally, his deal with the devil was revealed, and it turned out to be exactly the one I guessed at the start of the season. It was at least sort of powerful how he tried to save Clark at the end though... but alas, the horrible special effects felt like they were strangling me more than they were strangling Clark's father, but I digress...

Okay, now for the plot: it was dumb, plain and stupid (although at least it wasn't as dumb as last season's finale)... You have Kara from Krypton hiding in a wall for 14 years or something, to bring Clark back to Jor'el by "choice" (which Jor'el could've done anytime by torturing the Kents), only to realize before her disintegration that she was once human. Now, I give the actress props for acting quite evil - she took out that FBI agent without much mercy (although it was just plain dumb that Clark didn't show up on time to stop her). But I don't know - maybe this was intended, but she felt like a robot whenever she spoke out her lines like an automaton, as if she was reading memorized cue cards in her head or some crap like that. The twist at the end of the episode, about how Jor'el erased her memory and used her, was actually quite surprising. But it can't make up for her lack of chemistry with Clark. Kara had a nice body and wore nice clothes, but the face and acting just didn't work, especially in that Lois-&-Clark-quality flying shot... Clark Kent himself did the best job he could in those scenes, although he looked more uncomfortable with Kara than I think even the script was meant to convey. But he did have strong scenes with Lex once again, first with the Luthor mansion's own wall of weird, and second in the courthouse that "oddly" looked identical to Vancouver's Union Station... And for once, I actually was pleasantly surprised with Clark's behaviour! He actually showed up for the hearing, instead of just abandoning the friend who betrayed him like Clark normally would do on his PMSey days. And it set up a great story arc for next season too - the ruins of Lex's and Clark's friendship can definitely pit them against each other as enemies. But just when this episode was finally showing some potential, Clark then went dumbass all over again, deciding to leave for Jor'el's happier place and completely abandoning his parents in the process. I mean, he ran away last year and made things worse - does this boy ever goddam learn?... Now, I was going to say that the only real positive of this episode was the Lex and Lionel family feud once again. It was both shocking and heartbreaking for Lex to not even care about his father's deathly condition, but rather feared him more because a dying man has nothing to lose. But then came along the horrible ending to the season... I mean, I can appreciate cliff hangers, as long as they come with Cliff Notes. But unless fucking time travel is involved, or unless some clever camera tricks were involved, tell me how Chloe getting blown up and Lex getting poisoned can actually work out in the end?... The ending was trying to be smart. But in the end, it was just pointless and frustrating. If you're going to leave us guessing, then at least give us a situation where we can actually "guess" at the future outcome, without having to reduce ourselves to sheer ridiculous conjectures for an entire summer..."

PS - it has been brought to my attention that perhaps Chloe "faked" her death at the end of the episode... I find that hard to believe though, considering we saw her dad's face and her own cuddly ass inside the house when the explosion occurred... but it's an interesting "guess", nonetheless...