IvanF's Uninformed, small Smallville Weeks in Reviews of the Fourth Season of Smallville (2004-2005)...

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- IvanF's Archived, Cut & Paste, No-Name Reviews of
The Fourth Season of Smallville (small Smallville Weeks in Review, 2004 - 2005) -
(... wait for it... ahem..." this show still sucks... Wasupwidat?..." ...)

I should kick its ass and take its name. Then I should kick its ass again with its own fucking name...

... and yes, the show is fortunate that I'm reviewing its fourth season, after one of the most stellar Smallville episodes I've ever seen...

... otherwise I wouldn't be as forgiving and overbearingly positive as I am now...

The fourth season of Smallville really, really, ridiculously sucked most of time. You name it, and it fucked it right up the ass...

Spell, Scare, Bound, Pariah, Ageless, and oh, don't forget Sacred - will all go down as some of the most god-awful, wretched hours of television ever demonically devised by mankind... How the hell could the Smallville writers ever conjure and torture us so, with witches partying like it's 1699 and with Meteor Rock children screaming teen angst cliches at the television screen, I will never honestly know... Did they actually think it was actually decent writing? Or sane writing? Or even better than the average Smallville writing?... which is pretty damn bad by all accounts...

I didn't think anything could top the third season in Smallville for crappy episodes of the week, but the fourth season definitely gave it a run for its money... With so many pointless freaks of the week providing not just formulaic episodes, but completely pointless ones with piss poor acting, I just couldn't help but shake my head every single damn time I wrote a small Smallville week in review...

Because the thing is, when Smallville does concentrate on the actual Superman mythos, of Clark Kent becoming Superman (and not the fucked up Buffy-teeny-bopper-clone of a melodrama it tries to be), Smallville actually turns into pretty surprisingly decent television... and hell, maybe even worth a DVD boxset or two...

Run was an amazing episode. The introduction of the Flash was perfect. And except for the awkward spandex moment between super horny men near the end, I really did think that him and Clark Kent had some real mutual respect and chemistry there... And like I mentioned before, Commencement was simply an awestruck, awesome episode as a whole. I'm still bitter that it all ended off as a cliffhanger last night, just when the episode was getting real good... but how the hell can I really fault the writers, when for once? Just for once... they actually left me begging for more...

... begging for more from Smallville... never thought I would... never thought I could... but I did...

I mean, the show just has such awful characters (or just uses them so unjustly), that how the hell could I ever have expected to truly enjoy an episode?... caught me off guard like a meteor shower full of fucking freaks of the week... the sky must be falling, with cats and dogs and Kryptos living together, that's for sure...

Lana Lang was a complete bitch in season four. She segregated herself from the rest of the group, acted all self righteous with her fancy clothes and $200 haircuts, and threw back in Clark's face every single one of those goddam times she was actually dumb enough to believe one of his countless lies in the past... The only episodes she was even nearly bearable in, were Spirit and Commencement. Spirit because I'm a sucker for any teen angst episode with a dance or prom in it, for some goddam reason... And Commencement? Because I was hoping she would be the fucking one to get killed off, that's why...

Jason was a waste of time... until he showed back up as Die Hard Mustafa, Part 2. And Jason X was bourne... that was decent. But the whole dragged out Kryptonian stone thing (which was great in Crusade, Transference, and Commencement at least), not to mention his god-awful romance with Lana Lang, just dragged his character to the Johnny depths of hell... and his mother along with him... they were fucked together from the start, and not in the good way I'd prefer...

John Glover has always been the best actor on the show. But Lionel Luthor was just blatantly misused and underused throughout the season... So many questions remain with him, that better be answered in the next season premiere, or somebody's gonna get a hurt real bad... I mean seriously, why the hell did Lionel turn good for half of the season? I expected that he actually did remember his time in Clark's body, and was using the charity as a front to lower Clark's guard. But then WTF? Lionel just turns evil again, with seemingly no memory of Transference whatsoever?... His liver disease ended up as just some pointless footnote in Smallville history... and absolutely no answers were given about him or his fate in the end...

Lex Luthor definitely became the true villain of the story in Commencement, which was one of the reasons why I enjoyed the finale episode so... Michael Rosenbaum is a terrific actor, and every single scene where he feigned a guise of honesty and loyalty over his true dark nature inside, always provided at least some sort of saving grace to the crap we were given in every filler episode... But still, why was he developed so poorly overall in season four? He started out in Crusade with poison throughout his body, yet that was never mentioned again. He also started out with some crazy obsession out of nowhere for the Kryptonian stones, only for that to rear its head a mere couple of odd times throughout the rest of the season (and ignored for all the rest)... His transition to pure evil, sans the episode Onyx, was just so poorly written throughout the season, that it seriously felt like he was rushed through the whole path to the dark side thing in Commencement...

Pete had a good season. Better than season three, at least... More lines too, I'd wager...

The Kent parents certainly had their moments as well, but were so damn off base at times that it simply wasn't even funny... Why the hell did they tear Clark a new one for getting married in Vegas under red Kryptonite? Because deep down inside, he wanted to fuck a girl? Don't we all?... And yet they seemed so supportive of him whenever he chose to go on some suicide mission, like in Commencement... They weren't even around for a phone call when Clark lost his memory in Blank. I mean, WTF?... Some parents they turned out to be...

... luckily, Clark had someone like a sister to him... a ridiculously hot sister who he should really really fuck, though he never does... but I digress...

Chloe was useless for half of the season. She played second fiddle to Lois and Lana throughout the first episodes, with her lovely reversion back to season one Chloe, I believe... But as soon as Sarah Carter's character (forget her name now...) showed Chloe the truth path to enlightenment, Ms. Sullivan became useful again... She played the Obi Wan to Clark in Blank rather nicely. And you gotta love all those countless "oh shit" looks that Clark kept giving her, whenever she obviously indicated that she knew of his powers. Yet he was always too dumbass to ever notice or believe it... I admit that I was getting sick of their newfound "oh shit" relationship by the season finale. But Chloe playing the hero, kicking Lex's ass and taking his name just to save Clark, was definitely something to give me hope for the next season ahead...

Tom Welling really did improve as an actor this season. Instead of acting like a whiny teen all the time, he took responsibility most of the time and acted like a confused adult instead of a four year old, spoiled child... Still, that didn't save his hide from such awful episodes as Spell or Scare. Nothing could, not even Superman himself, but... Still, I'll be fair to him. I won't blast him a new one for all those countless times his "oh shit" acting has dragged episodes down to the dregs of television... Instead, I must admit, he may not have played Clark Kent very well. But he certainly played Superman a lot better than I thought he would... His flying antics in Crusade actually looked remarkably cool. And in Commencement, when collecting the three stones, he certainly did seem like a superhero... and that was almost enough for me to forgive him for all those god-awful scenes between him and Lana throughout the goddam fourth season...

... or actually, not at all... considering the irreparable brain damage suffered from all those times I smacked my forehead from how goddam atrocious the dialogue was between the two of them, but that's besides the point...

If there's any real reason why I still write small Smallville weeks in review though, it's Erica Durance as Lois Lane...

She just has perfect chemistry with Clark. It was unbelievably great casting on the show's part... She may not be able to do teen soap opera shit properly, but that's the beauty of her character. She was there to shake things up, make fun of all the Superman cliches, and yet be the dumb blonde in the end who doesn't get why the pipe just conveniently exploded out of nowhere in front of her, saving the day... All the times she ripped on Mr. Smallville were brilliant, as she and Tom Welling just played so perfectly off each other's faces of mutual disgust and longing... She just has this way, of making every single scene feel almost as light-hearted as Buffy was during the best of the Vampire Slayer seasons. Without Lois, Smallville would've taken itself far too seriously... without her, the season would've been absolutely no fun, and neither would writing small Smallville weeks in review every fucking week...

Though thankfully for the show at least, Commencement as a season finale did kick all sorts of ass...

... and I'll save my true feelings, and my real scathing review, for another season...

Notable Episodes: Crusade, Devoted, Run, Transference, Spirit, Blank
Best Episode of the Season: Commencement

"I know you've all been waiting for this, for four bloody long months now... like blinding hot sex... or that Lana Lang shower scene at least, considering that was blindingly banging even to the cheap seats in the background...

But still, you all know what time it is... Time to get nekkid!... or, umm... there's that... and it's also time for the ever fateful return, of IvanF's ever patented and ever revered, and forever ever, small Smallville Week in Review!...

"Three fucking months? Three fucking months?... and we STILL start end off with Lana Lang scenes that fuck the brains over like head screaming ice cream cones?... This is the show that got renewed over Angel? WHAT THE FUCK?..."

... or actually, I should blame Charmed for that... but hell, even Charmed is a better show than Smallville is... regardless of the Lana Lang nudity...

I'll keep this short and simple: Smallville hasn't changed a beat... Because as always, Chloe was probably the best character this episode. She obviously had the most lines, I mean... I just hope that the big revelation about her disappearance actually makes sense in the end, that's all... And second on the list of stars this week? Maybe it'll go to Jonathan Kent. I mean, sure he was in a coma. But coma's take a lot of not moving, which is always a tough gig for an actor to pull off outside of a soap opera... And Pete? Sure, he got kicked off of the show, only to be replaced by some god-awful Lana moon pie of a shiner. But at least Pete still had more lines than he did all last season long. Not being there and all... Lana Lang was once again perhaps the absolute worst character in the history of television. I mean, I forget where exactly I saw that exact same scene of meeting your boyfriend and acting as if he was a stranger for audience misdirection. All I know is, the truth of her goddam beguiling was so damn obvious that I promptly reminded myself just how painful it was to watch Smallville last season. With a slap and a slice to the wrist, of course... I just hope that tattoo on her back will eventually mean something, along with a lot of backside nudity... And her new boyfriend? The Pete replacement gone white? He was completely one-dimensional this episode, and contributed to Lana's absolute annoyingness, especially with his god-awful French accent. But hey, first impressions can't always count, now can they? At least it all led to some drugged-up shower scenes and all...

Now, I'll admit that there were a few scenes in Crusade that did give me hope for the season... Erica Durance as Lois Lane was a surprisingly refreshing addition to the series. Her sass and so-called "independence" actually worked well, in a way that wasn't cheesy or sappy like Lana Lang always was. Not to mention she already has more chemistry with Tom Welling than Lana ever did. Although the lightning nudity was a bit too obvious... Of course, I admit I have always been partial to Erica Durance. I just don't get why she seems to look completely different in every single series I see her in (Andromeda, Stargate, etc...)... And Clark Kent? His performance as Kal-el was utterly and dismally sterile and flaccid. He didn't even sound like a robot - just a bad actor... But he did put on a decent show with Lois. His scenes of being a complete idiot in the hospital with her were probably the best comic relief in the episode... And I couldn't help but laugh at the sight of Martha Kent, bashing away at Clark's chest to get her son back. But I was laughing in a good way, considering she really did seem like a loving mother this episode... And if there was ever one plus to the whole Smallville mythos, it has always been the Luthors. Because I actually am interesting in whether Lionel was set-up, as Lois implied. And it actually made sense, that Lex's abnormally high white blood cell count would actually let him survive a poisoning... And dammit! Flying actually looked decent! It was actually neat that Clark ripped off the door to the plane at 20,000 feet! I guess Lex can make even the cheesiest looking scenes look good... I mean, Wasupwidat?...

I still have tons to complain about Crusade, let alone the series as a whole... But considering I've got no other television to review this season, thanks to Smallville kicking Angel off of the airwaves?... Well, guess my Smallville weeks in review won't be so small afterall..."

"Wow... I just squared off against absolutely the best damn telemarketer I've ever been annoyed by... The thing is, this guy was good. Real good. He had the perfect phone voice (and not the phony type of phone voice), and he actually was supposedly behind a good charity.// Apparently, he worked for my provincial police force in keeping juveniles behind bars and protecting the children of victimized families or some crap like that... You know, something real important sounding to get the best of your guilt. Something so damn "pure", that you really can't help thinking what the real scam is...

The thing is, he didn't just have the voice... He was pretty damn convincing too, if only because he seemed so damn confident of himself... After about three minutes of his incessant (yet understandable) rambling about the future of our nation's children, he said he would put me down for a $45 sponsorship, to arrive at my home in a few days... and in my eternal, spotless sunshine of a confusion, since I was watching Smallville at the time, the only thing that came to mind was...

That's when he 'corrected' himself, claiming "alright, I'll put you down for the $35 sponsorship then"... And since I still didn't have a clue what was going on, all I could think of to say was, "umm... I don't have to do this, right?..."... The telemarketer kinda froze there for a second, obviously taken back by the fact that I was so damn bad at getting rid of him... He eventually recomposed himself though, and simply stated, "okay, the $15 sponsorship it is"... But that was around the time a commercial break finally hit the WB airwaves. I finally realized what the hell was going on, and taunted and retorted, "I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested"... That's when the bastard finally left. But I gotta admit it - for a telemarketer, he was pretty damn good... he almost had me at hello...

... combine a sexy girl voice with his kinda of wits, and then you'd have one poor sap of a donator over here...

... and speaking of saps... Oh, Smallville... the show is just so damn sappy and sucky, that the only thing I ever look forward to... is obviously what all you two readers look forward to too... because you know what I'm talking about...

Hey, Terminator 2 is one of my favourite movies of all time, just below The Rock and everyone's favourite Parent Trap... So what the hell was wrong with the freak of the week this episode? Hasn't Smallville ripped off enough bad villains yet?... And worst yet, he was beaten back by goddam pepper spray? From Lana Lang of all bitches? WTF?... Lana Lang at least looked rather damn beautified in Gone. Her hair was far more jazzed up than you'd ever expect from a high school girl away from prom. And her clothes definitely looked more sultry than anything she wore last year somehow. So I guess getting possessed by Clark's biological mom, does more than just increase the Oedipal ick factor of the show... But unfortunately for us, her goddam Lana Langified tendencies were not gone. Her damn "awkwardness" with Clark had me rolling on the floor in pathetic laughter. And her moments with Jason? Oh God, that bastard better turn out to be evil. Because that's the only way the show can justify how many damn times I hit my head with a wrench over his goddam awful lines... The only Lana moment that I did enjoy this episode, was when she was sort of mocking Clark for having a crush on Lois. I mean, I thought it was too early in the show to really clue in the one viewer out there, who doesn't know Lois ends up with Clark. But Tom Welling's reaction was simply priceless... poor boy seemed so whipped at little Ms. "Bossy"...

Gone was a better episode than Crusade at least, although that certainly ain't saying much... Once again, Lois Lang provided the only real strong performance of the episode. She certainly is headstrong and sassy, and yet she can be emotional without getting me to hit my head with a goddam brick. Her mere one second mention of her mother dying of cigarettes and cancer, was a hell of a lot better writing than the Smallville guys have done in a very long time... I can't say they should be proud of Mr. Sam Ironside Fisher as her father though. He was pretty pointless to the plotline, except to fly around in a helicopter looking badass with the cliche cigar... But still, both he and Lois had their moments with Clark. Because truth be told, Tom Welling ain't so bad when he's actually acting like an adult rather than the high school student he just can't play... I do love his chemistry with Lois. Although at times, it's overbearing (like the shower scene), as he takes his shirt off more times than even Spike did on Buffy... But the poor bastard really does look flustered whenever he's dealing with Lois. He can't seem to handle her, and ends up looking all dazed and confused in the end... which was exactly how he played his role with Lana as well before, only this time it's actually intentional... I think...

Jonathan Kent had surprisingly few lines, considering he just came back from a coma. But the look he gave that cigar he wouldn't touch was reason enough for him to be back on the show... Chloe finally made her return, although being dangled in the T2 factory and then having a touchy, feely lesbian moment with her cousin later (we can only hope...) didn't exactly constitute a momentous return. I seriously didn't like the explanation for her 'death' though. I mean, last year the explosion happened right after she entered the house. And now it happened something like ten seconds after? What kind of lameass bomb is that?... Lionel didn't have much of a role, besides the shortest murder trial in the history of mankind. And why the hell was he stabbed to the sound of bad music anyhew? Though it will be a bit interesting, to see how he rots (or not) in jail, while Lex becomes the villain of the show... And Lex himself? Well, the only thing I really care for, is if he'll ever get Chloe or Lana or whoever. Because I was kinda disappointed, that he didn't really show a sign of evil this episode. I mean, Clark was more cliche badass than he was... Still, I do wonder where Luther's character arc will go this season. We all know it's his time to be the bad guy. But I just hope his descent to hell actually makes sense, since he still really seemed like a cigar smoking puppy dog in Gone...

So yeah, there's my small Smallville week in review for you. Except it ain't really that small... but don't expect a real hobbit of a habit out of this. With Star Trek Enterprise finally coming back next week, the universe may finally be resetted in the right Rosetta direction, for the first time since goddam Angel was canceled and gone off the air...

... yes, I am still bitter... and hell, I didn't even like the show, but I digress..."

"Ah... so the freak of the week formula is back... and so is that uber-famous, you-know-what of mine...

"Two hot women share a lesbian kiss... and it wasn't even sexy? WHAT. THE. HELL. is wrong with TV nowadays? Honestly, WTF?..."

Yeah, well... That was the only thing that looked decent about Facade from the weekly preview: the lesbian kiss that Lana was about to share... And while I'll gladly admit that Ms. Lang has surely been wearing some provocative outfits this season, I really can't say that any of her scenes were anything more than mere tolerable in Facade... I mean, was it just me, or did she sound completely shallow in her little admission that she doesn't know how much of the real her that Jason sees? Either that, or it was just really annoyingly anti-shallow for a girl with that kind of body... And her kiss? Her lesbian kiss? Honestly, how the heck could the show writers make two completely beautiful women have the most lacklustre of kisses on screen?! Where's the tongue? Where's the hands down the panties? Geez, and I thought Buffy was lame... And while I admit I didn't really slap myself on the head from all the god-awful Lana scenes this week (hell, I even got to laugh at her little seratonin issue), I just still can't take her seriously. And for a character who always takes herself too damn seriously, that certainly ain't good for business...

What's good for business, is the true lesbian couple on television today. Because goddammit, Chloe and Lois are just plan HAWT whenever they touch each other... Yeah, I know that they're supposed to be cousins. But whenever they giggle at each other, they just have that kind of amazing chemistry that just screams out "spin-off". Or "take-off your clothes", or something from the Aladdin DVD like that... I couldn't help but snortle out my chortles at the sight of poor Chloe being glossed over by Clark yet again at the end. Poor gal just can't accept a best friend when she sees one... But still, her ball of sunshine energiness this episode was a welcome change of pace, and I really enjoyed how she so subtlely nudged Lois Lane into the journalism business... Lois Lane herself was still as sassy as ever. Sure, I found her failing of her final year of high school to be a bit too convenient. But even when she dunked Clark in the tub of water, she really did seem to have chemistry with him. And lots of guts too, considering in her mind at least, she just saved Superman with her cliche kung fu... Now, if only she and Chloe could just feel their hands around each other's panty lines, then maybe Smallville wouldn't feel so small afterall... or I wouldn't, at least...

And honestly, Tom Welling has been a bloody revelation this season. He simply looks too old to play a whiny high school student, and thank God he didn't when it came to defying his father by joining the football team... Clark is finally making mistakes and handling them like an adult, and that's exactly what his character has been missing all these years. An actor that old just can't act like an eighteen year old... Once again, he showed great vibrance with Lois Lane, even if I think their 'relationship' is moving along too quickly. And while there really wasn't any action in this episode, at least his 'reporter sense' didn't feel forced in the locker room scene (probably thanks to Lois being there)... I can't say I enjoyed the Freak of the Week though. Abigail was damn hot (and she definitely looked familiar... but from where?), but the problem was, she was already hot under all those scabs befor the krypt/tuck surgery. Her hair was still damn fine, and you could tell behind the makeup that she had a perfect face. So honestly, her character just didn't work out for me. Especially after giving me nightmare flashbacks of that god-awful first season episode with the voracious fat sucking girl...

Facade was more or less a facade of an episode, with all show and not any real meaning. But at least it gave every character a chance to shine... Jonathan Kent had his first real speech of the season, and he really did seem like a father. And while Martha wasn't really there, at least we got to learn that she's going to have a larger role to play this season... As for Lex, I almost felt bad for him when he realized Lana was going out with that hopefully-evil Jason X kind of guy. If anyone has chemistry with Kreuk on the show, it's Lex... Jason was simply too sappy to ever be a proper glove of a fit for Lana Lang. God, I hope he turns out to be evil... But even he was somewhat interesting this episode, after learning about his corporate backstory. He could turn out to be quite the Lex Jr, and I'm guessing he'll have something to do with Lionel Luther sometime down the road. If only Lionel had been in this episode, then maybe Smallville would've felt more than just a facade...

So once again, I wrote a small Smallville week in review that wasn't very small... for an episode that I didn't even think was very good... But the thing is, Smallville in season four has actually been far more enjoyable than the groan-inducing crap of previous seasons, all thanks to the spark that's shared between Lois and Clark and their new adventures of Superman... so no wonder they're bringing Erica Durance back for 20 episodes of the season, when she was originally slated for four...

... afterall, we really do need some Lois on Chloe action to spruce up the ratings... damn they're hot together...

... sure, I guess that makes me more sick than an uber-young football coach dating a minor, but that's besides the point..."

If you had asked me how I felt about him before 1995, I would've just shrugged and said he was just like any other Hollywood superstar. Just a face, and not really a person... But he really did become a real person, a real someone, to pretty much the entire world after his accident. He just had that "it" factor to him, that not only made the world care about his situation, but about the situations of so many others as well... He wasn't like the rest of the Hollywood stars out there, who always seemed to try so hard to look so caring. Because he actually did feel real, and his need felt more real than ever before... He wasn't like all the rest of the Hollywood stars, who seem so damn fake whenever they try to be so damn kind. Christopher Reeve was now the person that needed help... He was humbled, and yet he never gave up hope... and that really made him into a better man than I will ever be...

I know I wasn't exactly generous towards him whenever it came to my small Smallville weeks in review. Afterall, he was never the greatest actor, and his episodes weren't exactly the greatest hours of televisions... harsh, I know...

But he truly was a great person... I'm not just saying that like the cliche glowing eulogy we all give to the recently departed. I'm saying all this, because when it comes to Christopher Reeve, I truly believe in my heart that it was all true. That he was the real deal, that he was true... He proved it time and time again, through all his moving speeches, and all the damn hope he gave to so many people out there in the world. He surely, sorely will be missed... hell, he already is. The world just feels more wrong now, to lose a person like him... because, well?...

"In loving memory of Christopher Reeve... He truly made us believe a man could fly..."

... a sappy saying, perhaps... but it does feel somewhat appropriate, for a man who gave it his all, just for the sake of hope...

I just hope that the Smallville writers devote a more meaningful episode to him in the end, that's all... especially one that didn't start off with about ten minutes of pure flat silence (even during the WB's tribute to the actor, might I add...)...

Now, that's not to say that Devoted was a bad episode. On the contrary, I actually enjoyed it a hell of a lot once the sound turned back on. I mean, what wasn't there to like?... Lana only had that one god-awfully annoying scene with Jason at the start. The sappiness of their relationship absolutely knows no shame... But hell, she even redeemed herself with her not-so-convincingly lie, of watching Clark at the football practice... And Jason was actually interesting for once. He completely didn't look or act like a coach, but he certainly played the jealous dimwitted boyfriend quite well. Which eventually led to a classic pounding of Kent, both at practice and at the loft... and seeing Clark wince in pain? That always gets a snicker from me...

It's just that, Devoted felt completely devoid of meaning in the end... It was about lust and love, and the meaning of devotion. But haven't we seen this all about umpteen times during the first three seasons of the series? Did we really have to go back to parasitic-controlled or whatever, season-one-pining Chloe all over again?... Well, the cheerleader outfit definitely wasn't becoming of her. But Allison Mack simply has the sweetest smile, that it's hard not to laugh with her as she just mindlessly kept cheering on Clark as he was sacked about a dozen times straight... She did look rather adorable in that football uniform of hers. And her "superhero and journalist" quip was rather unexpectantly cute... And c'mon, who wouldn't identify with the poor gal, when the actress nearly shed a tear as she put on a happy face at that mercy kiss at the end?... Sure, we've been through this all before, with Chloe yet again falling under some sort of evil influence into going after Clark. But Allison Mack is just so damn good at being rejected, that it's hard not to care... there wasn't any real meaning in Devoted, but the episode definitely did feel like fun...

Smallville has been doing one thing right all season long: the writers have finally made Clark into a bearable, tolerable man... He just acts with a sense of maturity now that he didn't have before. He handles jokes with pride, he still wears the farmboy plaid that I tend to wear myself, and although he completely looks like a dumbass for rejecting Chloe, he finally seems to be doing it in a semi-respectable way... I loved the scene where he was absolutely mauled by his football squad. Being the newbie on the squad has always been a real thing for guys, and it was great to finally see it done well on television... And once again, his chemistry with Lois Lane was undeniable. I'm actually going to miss her, I think... I don't know when Erica Durance will be back. I just hope it's soon, that's all... She just has that "it" factor every actress covets, just by calling Clark "Smallville" in the exact kind of Lois Lane way... And it was great that we finally got some of her patented LL stupidity in as well. She just stared at that exploded pipe, without really giving it a second thought as to why it just magically blew right after she told Clark to do it... And she even got some good jokes in. The "Stepford" comment I finally got thanks to the rehashed movie over the summer, and her disgust during the Mandy sexcapades is always worth a decent laugh... Lois Lane has single-handidly saved Smallville. She makes Clark into a better man, she has the perfect lesbian sexcraft touch with Chloe, and I can thank God that she takes screen time away from Lana Lang... The real test now, is to see what the show reverts back to now that Erica Durance will be gone for a while...

Luckily for the show, every actor seems to be putting in their full 110% football team effort... It was disappointed that Lionel was missing again. But Lex picked up the pace, and just seemed so damn deviously devilish every single time he was trying to be "honest" with Clark. And I do wonder what the writers have in store - will Clark be the one to make Lex Luther evil somehow? It certainly felt like that would be the case from the ominously feeling scenes between the two... Now, Martha Kent didn't have much to do. But the ol' Lana actress was as sweet as ever. And Jonathan Kent has finally found a new purpose on the show, showing real concern over that final Hail Mary football throw at the end of the game... And as for the freaks of the week? I didn't care much for the Stepford husbands. But Mandy had that kind of slinkish, Nina (from Angel) kind of sexy hair that always stands my hairs on end... And c'mon already. What guy doesn't enjoy the occasional love potion, love triangle kind of episode? I only wish Chloe had gone for Lois instead of Clark though, with a two way dildo strapped to her you know what... but sigh, I guess Mandy looking damn fine in that bikini and paper-thin skirt would have to suffice for now...

I just hope WB continues on with the tributes to the actor... Christopher Reeve truly deserves the entire season, nay - the entire show of Smallville devoted to him... And I'm not just saying that because we all say nice things about the dead. I'm saying that, because this man truly was a great man amongst us all. And it just feels hollow to know that he's gone.

"Hmm... don't have much time to waste, considering my first midterm of the year is coming up tomorrow... and I've only studied for it about an hour so far... which is sad to say, a lot by my usual standards, but... still...

"... Smallville was actually... good... today?... and without Lois Lane?... without a flash from Lois Lane? What the fuck?..."

Yeah... truth be told, Run would've been a far better episode to dedicate to Christopher Reeve than Devoted was... Sure, Mandy had that perfect kind of body to take our minds off of the fact that a great man died. And sure, now that Lois Lane is gone, I definitely feel the need to get my weekly fill of her with that god-awful House of the Dead... But even with O Mandy, even without Lois Lane, Run was really far more about the Superman mythos and what being a hero really means, than any other episode this season so far. And that's what Christopher Reeve really turned out to be. Just a regular guy who out of circumstance, became a true hero to so many. And I think Run did a really good job of showing just what those circumstances may or not be... how to become a hero, at least...

If there was anything that ruined this episode, it was Lana... Whenever she was with Jason, she was a whiny bitch. She would pull away from him, snapping in the process. And then Kreuk's irkish acting was just atrocious as she tried to admit to him about that new French tattoo in that most provocative spot on her back... And her conversation with Martha? Oh dead God, was it ever cliche... What really killed that scene, was the fact that Lana looked so damn smug when she was telling Martha about love, that I couldn't help but bitch slap my own head at just how goddam moronic the two of them were being... Do neither of them ever watch TV? Because I could've sworn Lana's advice was dished out on Full House and Growing Pains about a dozen times or more back in their day and age... I just feel bad for Jason, I really do. Not only does he suck as a football coach, but he's stuck with a girl like Lana. Who granted, may look damn fine in a black tank top, but has absolutely nothing else going for her besides her fancy new rich wardrobe...

Chloe wasn't in much of the episode either. Just one scene actually, but her smile just seemed to glitter perfectly with her new sparkling hair... Now, I definitely did miss Lois Lane this episode. Run was missing the kind of witty sass she brought into the show... Instead, we got a cliche Martha plotline, of what business does to romance and family. And then we got Jonathan, complaining about being all left alone and lonely, instead of continuing on with the football plotline from last episode... Lex didn't have the greatest episode either. I mean, was it me, or was he completely stupid (or just Dr. Evil?) when he saw Clark standing by that empty manuscript thingy, and just gladly assumed that Clark had nothing to do with it?... And where are the bloody hell cameras? Doesn't Clark even know when to fly when goddam alarms are blaring in his ears?... Lex was a bit too mysteriously ignorant this episode for my tastes. He would call the cops, but warn the criminals of it five minutes before the sirens came for some odd reason... Now, at least Luthor got to kick some ass with some really neat disarming moves. But he just seemed off this episode, especially in all his weird "trust" comments when it came to Clark... In previous episodes, you could tell from the way he spoke to Clark, that Lex was becoming more and more sinister. But in Run? Well... He just seemed more and more... Dr. Evilish, actually... and I'm not sure if that's a good thing...

Sure, I have my own fair share of complaints about Run... but that doesn't change the fact that I really did enjoy this episode. Because the entire hour was pretty much dedicated to Clark and Bart Allen, all culminating in a weird "you have me" scene at the end with bright cow eyes... Still, I gotta say that the Smallville writers really seem to know how to write for DC characters other than their main cast. Perry was well done last season, Lois Lane kicked ass, and Bart Allen definitely had the kind of street urchin personality that you'd expect from his character... There were some nice fanboy touches as well, from the "Barry Allen" and etc mentions, to the cheesy talk of having a "league". And while the Flash's big running flashy special effects weren't the greatest, I still loved the look on his face when he left Clark out in the dust in the end... I thought Superman could reach light speeds though? Well, apparently the Flash can go faster than that... and over water as well... talk about a saviour complex...

... hmm... thank God I'm a Marvel fan... I prefer realism in my documentaries, thank you very much...

Still, Run was perhaps the best "Superman" episode of the season so far... Without Lois Lane, Clark Kent really didn't feel like Clark Kent. But as Superman, this was a pretty neat episode... It dealt a lot with the idea of using your powers responsibility versus just having fun, and where to find the balance between the two. And sure, while all previous seasons have dealt with god-annoying red kryptonite, Run dealt with Clark's powers in an actually responsible way for once... There was a nice contrast, between Tom Welling and Kyle. You had the over-mature and stiff farmboy on one side, and this puny little guy hitting on Chloe on the other... And it worked if you ask me. The scene where the two confront each other in the hotel over Jonathan's stolen wallet was one of the most priceless of the season, if only because the two actors played perfectly off of each other. If only because it was nice to see Clark feel a little inferior for once. And if only because that scene alone, really showed what it meant to be a hero.

Run wasn't the perfect episode... but it certainly is a contender for best episode of the week at least... Of course, I'm sure Enterprise will hand Smallville's ass to itself, just like The Flash left Superman to choke on his dust at the end of Run... But still, this episode definitely had a good run going for it tonight... It definitely felt like the first episode of Smallville this season (and one of the few of the entire goddam awful series), that really felt like it belonged in the Superman-universe at least..."

"You know, I was really expecting to write a shockingly upbeat Smallville review this week... I mean, how many weeks in a row has it been that I've actually enjoyed Smallville?... It was unprecedented, actually. Like a president actually being elected without a recount in Florida, at least... But in this case? Almost the entire season of Smallville I've enjoyed, and I really don't know why... Maybe part of it was out of respect for the late, great Christopher Reeve? And maybe some of it was simply because not only was Erica Durance hot as Lois Lane, but she could also act as well?... or maybe it was thanks to Lana Lang, being almost absolutely invisible on screen... except for the showing of skin, I mean...

... but alas, all good things do come to an end... because I know you've all been waiting for it...

"Clark Kent can kick old man ass... in an old man's ass?! Honestly, WTF? Since when did the farmboy learn to actually fight?!..."

Ah, yes... I'm sorry, but even though Transference had its positive quirks, the episode as a whole just didn't do it for me. And you can blame it on the bitches, because that's what they really were this episode... Lana Lang has always been a bitch. But she was just so completely out of whack with the world this episode, that it simply wasn't funny anymore... Oh wait, it was funny. If I do recall, I did burst out in tears of laughter at the look on real Clark's face when he learned about Lana and Jason the coach... But what wasn't funny, was just how completely out of place Lana looks in Smallville right now. She wears clothes and earrings that at first looked gorgeous, but now just look completely rank and arrogant when she even wears them in the halls of a public school... And Chloe? WTF was wrong with Chloe this episode?... I felt no chemistry between her and Clark in that non-kiss (although I got a huge kickass kick out of the "don't you wish" line that was uttered...). And then afterwards, why the hell wouldn't she listen to reason?... It just plain hurts to hear a character in a science fiction show, not even consider the possibility of a person being possessed. I mean, didn't she get taken over by parasites before or some crap like that?...

... sigh... I miss Lois Lane... at least she didn't try to hide her bitchiness behind guise... just boobs...

Because in general, Transference simply had a lot of stupid things to bitch about... Jonathan Kent should've realized something was wrong with Clark. At least he should've guessed red kryptonite or something, yet he just kept on smiling as Clark/Lionel kept murmering under his breath, "it all makes sense now", in the usual cliche supervillain sort of way... Martha Kent finally got to kick some ass with the meteor rocks. But she certainly was pretty damn clueless before Clark as Lionel gave her that true hollywood sob story in the prison... And Lex? Well, I guess I don't really have a problem with Lex. He was a cool character all around, driving a badass Porsche, and instantly knowing something was wrong with Clark in the car. And I absolutely loved his final scene, pointing a gun at Clark and asking about all the times they hung out in the past (even if on the show, we never see these "friends" doing friendly things whatsoever...)... For once, Lex actually didn't seem like he was lying through his teeth. He truly seem appreciative that Clark saved him from the body swapping fate... The only question now remains, is Lex dumb enough to fall for Clark's explanation of his sudden burst of strength? Lex has been dumb for four years now... but he's bound to go insane sometime, which will definitely be a plus for the series... unless be becomes even more clueless, but I digress...

I really couldn't care for Tom Welling as Lionel Luther this episode. He simply played his character as evil Clark Kent, and really nothing like Lionel in the end... Sure, I guess I have to give the actor some credit, for trying so hard to mimic John Glover, who unquestionably is one of the greatest actors on television today. And sure, there were moments that you could actually see him channeling John Glover. The "Ms. Sullivan" throwaway he gave to Chloe was a nice touch. And sometimes when he was talking to Lex, you could almost see his mouth moving the way that Lionel's does... But for the most part? This was just red kryptonite Clark all over again. I mean, let's see here... He was incredibly horny (although normally his Oedipal Complex isn't that obvious...), he was disrespectful to his father (well, throwing him across the kitchen might count...), and he had a real love for money... Yup, red kryptonite Clark all the way... I'm not saying it wasn't fun to watch his character. It's just that, Tom Welling just didn't hit enough of those Lionel Luther nuances to be convincing, that's all...

There was one reason and one reason alone to watch Transference a second time: John Glover's utterly unforgettable performance, as Clark Kent trapped in Lionel Luther's body... Now, I can't really say that he acted just like Clark would. But it's just simply amazing, how the actor who plays the supervillain on the show, could exact so much sympathy from a man like me... As Clark Kent, just the looks on his face were utterly, undeniably memorable. Glover created a world of pathos that no other actor on the show could ever hope to achieve, and it even worked in his scene with Martha Kent. While she was a bit over the top, Clark's desperation to get his mother's attention was done to near perfection... And the reaction on his face when Lionel told him that Lex's death would be on his hands? You just couldn't help but feel bad for his character... And hell, even as Lionel Luther again, his acting was just amazing. He seriously looked like he was going to cry when he found himself back in his own body (although I guess the tear gas would do that to a man...). Even with the completely campy (although somehow appropriate) music during the riot scene, Lionel Luther stole the spotlight from the show... He was the one reason and one reason alone to watch this episode. And him and Lex are the only damn reasons that I still watch the series at all.

Now, sure Transference had its fair share of good qualities. John Glover had his best episode of the season to date (...), I enjoyed the rantings of the nerd he framed into his prison cell, and I am wondering what Margot Kidder is going to do with that stone (an explanation to Dr. Swann being gone forever, perhaps?)... and for some odd reason, I really felt the heat when Clark was feeling up his mom... so sue me...

But still, while Transference managed to transfer a lot of the good qualities of the show to the television screen, the fact of the matter is...

... sorry to disappoint you, Mr. you-know-who-you-are... But Smallville just didn't final cut it for me this week.

"Normally, I'd wait until my Buffy or Angel reviews to comment about November sweeps, since Joss Whedon always came through for those times of the month... The problem is, FUCKING SMALLVILLE is still on the air, while Angel got canceled for really no reason whatsoever (leaving the WB with crap like The Mountain and Jack & Bobby in return, but I digress...)... So since I can't wait until whenever Joss Whedon will forgive FOX and come back to television (goddam Serenity movie...), I might as well make my November sweeps comments about Smallville instead...

"Clark actually.... won... the football game?... on drugs?!... What? Was he pushing?... He's a pusher?... He was some sort of pusher of drugs?!... What kind of fucked up message is that for today's youth?... not that they even voted in the election yesterday, mind you..."

Well, Clark wasn't on drugs... But he cheated. At least compared to other humans, he cheated. And that just ain't cool, kids... Just say no to superhuman powers...

As for Jinx as a whole, I can't say it was a good episode... but I can't really say it was a bad episode as well...

I mean, in the end, it felt more like a filler than a November sweeps caliber episode... Mikail was a decent villain. The problem is, even though I know he's supposed to be one of Superman's 'nemesises', I still have no damn clue who the hell he is... So what if I'm not up on DC supervillains, right? The thing is, Mikail did have his fair share of moments in Jinx, cutting Lex's finger with his mind, and getting his ass kicked by a light speed moving Clark to boot... I just wish his forced kiss with Chloe could've felt a little less... forced... Because I don't know. I've always had a thing for girls with no will power of their own when it comes to horny sexcraft, but Mikail's moves this episode just let me down. He didn't go nearly far enough with Chloe (make her take her clothes off, goddammit), and he should've done far more with Clark than just choking him and making him trip or whatever (umm... no comment on the clothes suggestion here...)...

The true villain of the episode turned out to be Lex. And although it sort of came out of nowhere, after several episodes of Lex actually seeming like a genuinely good guy, I must say that Michael Rosenbaum pulled off his supervillain twist with near perfection... Now, I don't know when he started collecting supervillains in his super secret, underground lair. But I am actually interested in how the whole thing will play out... And finally, we have the real reasons why Lex will turn evil, even after being Clark's friend... It's not just that Clark's refusal to tell his secret will drive Lex crazy. It's just that, the only thing that can drive two best friends into being mortal enemies, is the goddam bitchiest of girls between them... and to be honest, I feel bad for Lex. He's always had a thing for Lana. He just never seems to be able to get her, that's all...

As for Lana, she was just a complete waste of excrement again. My God, the actress should just stay the hell away from Smallville on Edgemont, because her over the top, melodramatic performances were already passe by the time the girl power television clones started ripping off Buffy... I absolutely can't stand how elitist all her earrings and completely non-small town clothes seem on screen. And she hasn't been anything but a bitch to Clark all season long... Sure, it's semi-realistic, that a failed couple would hold some hostility towards each other. But suddenly, I'm missing the old November sweeps days, when Willow and Xander or Gunn and Fred could suddenly become friends again, even after they tear each other's hearts out...

I still missed Lois Lane this episode (thank God she'll back next week...), but Chloe wasn't so bad in her absence... With her "Uncle Sam" line, her solution to beating Mikail the locust bug was pretty novel. And it was nice that google managed to bring in the element of Mikail's last name in reverse (I've heard that's significant... don't know how...)... But the real deal with Chloe, was with that look she gave Clark at the end. Does she know about his powers all of a sudden, after four damn years of being absolutely clueless whenever she's saved? I really don't know... they left us hanging there... but along with the evil turn of Lex, I'm actually really desperate to find out... and that's what November sweeps are all about...

The rest of the cast didn't really have much to do, hence the filler type of the episode... Lionel Luthor was sadly missing in action. After his amazing performance last week, his absence was sorely missed in Jinx... Martha Kent got some more air time in return. But I really am starting to hate how out of place she seems in the Talon - the teeny bopper music blaring in the background just doesn't suit her kind of character... And while I'm sure Jonathan Kent will get big kudos on the internet for his speech to Clark before the big game, I personally just thought it was damn weird how he was so pissed off one moment, and then so supportive of Clark the next... It was nice that Clark managed to talk to his father like an adult, and handled the situation with at least a semblance of maturity (even if his decision may not have been correct...). But Jonathan's complete turnaround on his opinion was just plain strange... like there's been some big jinx on his character all season long or something...

And as for Tom Welling... I will admit, that a football jersey suits him perfectly. I'm not sure what the significance of his number of "8" is for (unless it's supposed to look like an "S"), but damn, that scene in the locker room with the overdramatic lighting and everything, looked just as good and far more realistic than any sports equipment commercial I've ever seen (gotta love SDTV...)... Now, like I mentioned before, I thought it was pretty disappointing that Clark won the football championship for his team. Sure, his teammates somehow managed to kick ass and take names themselves, but the moral of the story would've been much better, if the Crows had lost because Clark refused to cheat... Still, I gotta admit that seeing Clark trip and ram a huge player into a touchdown play was rather amusing. And while I really didn't care for the steroid scenes with Jason, I did feel bad for Clark when he had that kryptonite pebble in his hand, if only because it was great metaphor of everyone just wanting to feel normal... Now, after that scene, Clark didn't really have many magical moments. There were the generic football championship scenes, and then that weird ass scene with Chloe near the end... and yes, I was entertained by his super slow-ass walking during the light speed moving scene... but overall?...

... eh, the episode just felt filler. For the big football championship episode of the season, I expected better... for the first November sweeps episode, I expected much better... Still, Mikail wasn't bad for the villain of the week. And Jinx definitely didn't feel jinxed when it came to being just another episode of the week... Jinx did manage to set up quite a few storylines that I'm actually eager to find out just what happens next...

And that at least, is what the November sweeps are all about. Or at least, that's the way Joss Whedon always did it...

"Okay... I've been having a bad day... the details of which I won't bother disclosing on this bloody hell website of mine...

... but oh dear God, I didn't realize just how bad my day was, until I watched this week's bloody hell episode of Smallville...

"We all knew Lana was a bitch... But oh dear God!... she's so damn bad, at being bad, that it's still goddam hurting my brain... Make it stop, please! Somebody make it stop!"

Oh dear God, Spell was a horrible episode... Now, if this was a Buffy episode, Joss Whedon would've just covered up the sheer Beer Bad atrocity of the episode was some clever moments here and here. And I suppose there were a few this episode... We got to feel sorry for poor Lex as his hands bled all over his piano. And hey, I enjoyed watching all the bra and panties women at the party... even though I really don't get why you'd need evil witches to get the libido going, when literally every woman there already looked like they were supermodel sluts, but I digress...

It's good that they didn't try to even hide how bad this episode was, hence Lois and Chloe overdosing on the gothic make-up before even getting to the party... But oh dear God, did this episode ever suck... And why primarily?

I hate Lana. She's an absolute bitch when she's trying to be nice. And an absolute bore when she is trying to be a bitch... Her shrill laughter was so over the top, that the only way this episode could've worked was if it aired around Halloween. And the way that the tone of her voice would switch spontaneously from maniacal bitch to cold bitch, was just so damn poorly done that it puts Evil Dead to shame... Sure, I enjoyed her pussy whipping of Jason with some fancy telekinesis. But honestly, the actress just couldn't pull off any of her damn dialogue... She was awful. And not in a good way. Plain and simple... I hated her when she was telling Jason about e-bay and the book. I hated her when she was trying to cut Clark's hair of steel. I hated her whenever she did that awful punk rock symbol with her hands. I hated her during her over-the-top, touching the stone sort of speech. And I especially hated her, as she was being bitchy to Lex afterwards, and pretending to Clark as if she didn't just fuck over his mind for the past six months... I hate the character, I really do.

Oh dear God, did both of them suck as witches... As least Chloe was bubbly and smily still as she flung sharp knives at Clark. But what the fuck did she do to her hair? I don't care what century you're from - that fro has just got to go... And I thought it was impossible for me to ever hate Erica Durance. But except for calling Clark as "Smallville" at the start, she didn't even feel like herself when she was herself... It was a shame the writers didn't play more of an attraction between her possessed self and Clark. It was also a shame that besides her big boobs remark, she didn't have a single memorable line... She looked absolutely hideous with that eyeliner. And honestly, she just felt completely tacked on to this episode. She just suddenly showed up, then conveniently went AWOL at the end of the episode... Something was amiss, and it wasn't magic...

I already mentioned Lex's role as the only moment of genius for the episode. I don't know what happened to the manuscript, but the map is surely still in his computer systems... Martha and Jonathan Kent were only in one single scene. While that did provide comic relief, with the two of them mocking Clark over his night of passionate "magic", it just wasn't enough to save this episode... And honestly, as for Tom Welling, it was just astoundingly pathetic that I still felt no chemistry between him and Lana. Whether she was grooming his hair, or sucking secrets out from his mouth with her tongue, I just felt absolutely no magic between the two of them... There was no spell. There was no spoon... And honestly, who didn't think Clark was just a pure dumbass for not taking the three witches down with his light speed, rather than just stand there like an idiot? Cocky bastard deserved to lose his powers... Too bad the damn Kryptonian stone still liked him...

I really don't have anything positive to say about this episode, except that at least you could tell the writers knew how bad this episode was, and just decided to go along with it... I was hoping that Jor'el would show up and kick the asses of the witches at end. But even that didn't happen, and we were stuck with yet another episode ending with Clark's patented "oh shit" look after lying through his teeth yet again...

Yup. So the real thing is, even with Lois Lane back, the series felt just as brilliantly bad as it did last season. Didn't think that was possible...

... in a week or two, where literally ever game I play, or television show that I watch, is pure Midas gold... no matter how damn good these November sweeps are turning out for other movies and shows, Smallville just still manages to find a way to absolutely suck the life out of the room...

"Lex is almost killed... again?... by a brunette he fucked... again?!... And this is supposed to be exciting, how?"...

I'm too dead tired right now to even begin to comment on how lame this episode was... Sure, it had moments. Namely Shannon and how evil she seemed with that fucking iPod of hers... But even she couldn't save this episode. She wasn't nearly as attractive as the psychotic Molly was last season (keep the glasses on, dammit! I have a fetish, you know...). And her over the top acting, as she was ironically pouring champagne to start a fire, had just got to be the most cliche villain thing I've seen all season (since at least Mikail's piss poor accent at least...)... Michael Rosembaum tried to save the episode with all his ever patented, evil Lex looks. But even he couldn't muster anything out of an episode written so damn poorly, except for perhaps those few suicidal words he shared with Clark near the end... because sad enough to say, I kinda related to him there... especially after a goddam night like tonight, but I digress...

Bound saw the return of Lionel, but even John Glover somehow got wasted this episode, looking absolutely ridiculously as he was bathed in light near the end... I'm sorry, but as good of an actor as Glover is, I just can't picture Lionel as a "good guy". And I'll be thoroughly pissed off if in reality, he doesn't actually remember his body switch with Clark. He's got to be lying through his teeth, right? And if not, then I'm afraid the show has only downhill to go from here... Martha and Jonathan had basically nothing to do, although once again Clark's mom just looked strangely out of place in the coffee shop... Chloe got to share an oddly romantic moment with Clark in the elevator (he actually cared about the hot girl next to him for once? WTF?...), but it still just bugs me that her discovery of Clark's abilities a while back seems to be completely ignored for now... And as for Jason and Lana, Kreuk was once again a bitch of an orc of an irk as she kept giving these god-awful stares everytime she said something and tried to seem suspensefully surprised. At least she never made me beat my own head with my fists this episode, but her deer in the headlights look when she first saw Mrs. Teague sure came close to ugly stick worthy... Jason's plotline seems actually interesting to me though. I may have hated the witches from last episode, but Bound at least gave the small remote possibility... that maybe the whole Isabel plotline won't be a complete waste...

As for Clark... Well, he was simply Clark. He gave his usual, "oh shit", looks to Lionel as he was questioning about what he remembered. And then there was the friendliness he had with Lex at the start, completely contrasting his "I felt like enemies" line near the end... I wish that I could feel that Bound was a nice step forward in the evolution of Lex as a bad guy. But he's had much better evil character development in past shows, just from collecting supervillains for shits and giggles. And it pissed me off to no end that Clark naively believed Lex was nice to women. Does he not know the lifestyle of rich men who can get any hot brunette they want?... oh wait, guess not... I forgot. Clark's the one too dumbass to even go for Lois or Chloe or both when he has a chance...

... damn, no wonder I hated this episode... Clark reminded me of me then... crap...

Anyhew, I don't want to spend much time on Bound. It's not even an episode worth discussing... Smallville started the season strong with Lois Lane and The Flash making the show feel whole for once. But with both of them now gone?... uggh... now I remember why I only wanted to write "small" Smallville weeks in review in the first place..."

"Oh dear God... and for a while there, I thought this would actually be a good week of entertainment...

"... Somebody save me!... from this... god-awful show... Save me! I don't care... how you do it... just save me! SAVE ME! C'mon... I mean seriously, I've been... waiting for it... ahem... WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Seriously, what the fuck is this? A Halloween episode? In December?!... Seriously, what the hell is going on in the writers minds?...

Okay, I know that I'm a strong proponent of standalone episodes and everything, but this episode simply had no friggin' point whatsoever... Scare reached an all-time new low for the show, and that's certainly saying a lot... Sure, we all love the occasional, Buffy rip-off, scare episode now and again. But not when the episode just comes out of nowhere, with absolutely no point or purpose whatsoever...

Every single character had their moment this episode, and every single character literally sucked the life out of the room... Lana Lang was the worst of the bunch. In both her dream sequences and reality, she was a complete and utter bitch. I hated her look when Clark showed up at Jason's bedside. And sadly, I actually thought her mood had improved when she was staring at zombies by the incinerator or whatever other pointless kind of crap... Jason's dream was completely idiotic. It was obvious it was a nightmare from the camera angles (and the fact that Clark was completely wimpy). And yet it didn't feel like a dream at all, because sadly enough, the characters were pretty much acting in sync with their normal angsty selves... Lana was a bitch. Clark was horny and desperate. And Jason was bullish as always, with his greatest fear being that he has some evil agenda or something... and then he just leaves at the end of the show, for really no reason whatsoever... While at least that may cause some conflict eventually, I certainly didn't ask nor enjoy Lana's forced bedside manner this episode. Having to watch her character is by far my greatest fear, of course...

Chloe had a really whacked out dream, with her fear of being genetically crazy or some crap like that... Not only did the revelation about her mom come out of absolutely nowhere, but it really made no sense in the context of the episode either. Where were the hints or clues in the past few weeks? Why should we even care if she's crazy as a loon? Doesn't she act that way already?... The only thing we could possibly care about, was the fact that she still seems to know about Clark's powers to some degree. But near the end, just when I thought the episode would finally find some purpose, Chloe and Clark just end off the episode with yet another "oh shit" look on their faces... I mean seriously, WTF? The Smallville writers completely wasted their November Sweeps, and now they're doing standalone filler, Halloween episodes in December? Please explain to me the logic in that...

The idea of a nightmare inducing drug not only has been done on television before, but it's a damn staple of sci-fi, and certainly not a good one at all... The only thing I did enjoy about this episode, was Lex's greatest fear. He was completely idiotic to go into the infected room, but at least he acted genuinely concerned about things and people this episode (unlike for the past month, where his eyes always seem to glaze over in callousness)... I did like the special effects of his "Judgment Day" scene. Not only did the whole moment foreshadow his comic book self's eventual American presidency, but the blue screen effects were pretty damn nice themselves... As for Clark, I did like the meteor shower scene, if only because of the special effects. But his fear of being turned on and off by Lana was just so damn mind-grating, that I think I bashed myself over the head with an ugly stick about a dozen times until the next commercial break... And then we got that god-awful conversation with his parents, where Tom Welling tried his hardest to seem like he still cared for Lana, but it just came out so damn forced and fake in the end... hell, this whole episode was a goddam Lana migraine, and I certainly would've preferred to have my damn hour back...

The only sane part of the episode, was Lionel's escape from prison... I wish I could remember where I've seen the actress playing the Warden before, since she completely didn't seem like a warden... I don't get how Lionel got out of prison, and I especially don't like how he's still acting like a golden preacher boy... but at least there was some point to the episode, in keeping with the storyline that someone "more powerful" than even him was pulling the strings... and thank God that storyline was completely segregated from the rest of the crap of Scare at least...

The only thing Scare achieved, was terrify me that Smallville will be this damn bad from now on... all over again, actually... I mean honestly, why the hell are the writers pumping out crap like this? They started off the season so well, and now they're back to being a bad high school rip off of Buffy? Literally... considering I've seen this episode done before and done much better... on fucking Halloween, for Christ's sakes...

"Well, I may have a test tomorrow... and two tests within two days, actually... and I am royally sucking in university as we speak so far, but...

... ah, hell's bells... to hell with it... because it's back... and therefore I'm back...

... and then you know what else is back then, right?... the moment you've all been waiting for...

"... Unsafe was beyond stupid. And yet?... as the noname whiner, how the hell could I not enjoy an episode where literally every single woman was a damn hot skank with a perfect body?... but I digress..."

So let's take count of the unprotected labia libidos going around here... Now, I absolutely hated Lana Lang in this episode, as always. I mean, how damn shallow and idiotic can the girl be? No matter how dirty my mind gets, I still never got the impression that Jason was talking about sex when it came to their sudden break-up... And yet she suddenly lights a bunch of candles and struts around without any pants or skirt on? Not that I'm really complaining, mind you... It's just that, I actually don't mind Jason Teague anymore, when it comes to his little plotline with his mother at least. We have a genuinely interesting, kinda Oedipal idea here, that he was paired up with Lana to get at the Kryptonian stones or whatever sort of crap... But do we really have to be bogged down by the completely annoying Lana crap each and every week then? She was so damn slutty this episode, that it even made her complete bitchiness look bearable at times... Can she at least please go back to being an over-the-top, evil and very horny witch at least?...

... oh God... something tells me the writers are dumb enough to actually take my advice and bring Isabel back... so, umm, nevermind...

Now, Chloe didn't have a large part in this episode, but it was fun to learn how much of a slut she was as well... So, she spread her legs out for Jimmy (presumably "Olsen"... or the Olsen twins...) at the Daily Planet, even though she had a thing for Clark still? Well, nice to know that she probably not only sucked at sex, but scarred Jimmy from it for life as well (he certainly wasn't getting much in the comics books later on in life at least)... I honestly didn't expect Chloe to have already done it though. And to be honest, it was kind of refreshing (in a sort of That 70's Show way) that her first time wasn't a) magical, or b) actually something she fondly remembers... Unfortunately, I pretty much know Lana's (and eventually Clark's) first times will somehow be perfect on screen, even if first times rarely ever are in real life. But still, at least Chloe threw us all a bone of a boner here, with some realism for once at least...

Unsafe was simply such a ridiculously stupid episode, that it actually ended up entertaining to me. And why?... Is it any real wonder why?...

Sarah Carter may not have the best voice out there, but damn does the actress have a perfect damn body... Her eyes may look a bit too rabbitattacky for me, but hey, her hair was done to sheer sexy perfection as far as I'm concerned. So any damn episode where she literally strips down to her bra and panties for pretty much half the show, has just got to get two very high rise thumbs up from me... And to be honest? Yeah, she had a bit of chemistry with Clark. Not funny chemistry like he has with Lois, but at least the two of them don't seem like brother and sister when they're smooching on the coach... I liked how she was a tease when it came to transporting onto the bed. And although we'll never figure out how she knew about red kryptonite, it was still nice to know that she had quite the obsessive mindset going on in the back of her pretty little head...

A lot of things definitely bogged down this episode though, to sheer levels of stupidity... The side villain of the ironically obsessed psychiatrist, has just got to be one of the lamest villains the show has ever seen (yes, even compared to their freaks of the week)... And WTF was wrong with Ms. Martha Kent Stewart this episode? Clark was drugged up on red kryptonite, and yet she was acting as if he willingly went to Vegas to have same sex marriage or some sort of crap like that? WTF?... The Lex and Lionel plotline was decent I suppose. I still refuse to believe that Lionel is actually being honest about his miracle change of ways, especially since he must've seen Clark Kent just disappear in front of him during that prison riot scene not too long ago... Still, the acting between the two was impeccable, the Luthors I mean. It's just that, I don't like where the plotline is going between the two... unless a great plot twist is really in the midst of things...

The only thing I actually did like about Unsafe, was the simple fact that Alicia Baker was damn hot, and she was kinda cute with Clark as well... The skating scene was just so naively ridiculous, that it actually did make me smirk at the sight of Superman unable to ice skate... And some little romantic touches had a nice Valentine's Day feel to them as well, such as the warming of the hot chocolate for the insane girl that Clark inexplicable seemed to suddenly like again... The marriage in Vegas was just so damn over the top, that I actually did fall in love with the sheer stupidity of the scene. And the end of the episode left off with a good question... Alicia is obviously obsessed with Clark enough to take a bullet for him, and Clark obviously seems to feel comfortable enough around her (no matter what she does, it seems...). Will she become a recurring character on the show then? Or will something undoubtedly go wrong, and we'll be back to the god-awful Clark and Lana show yet again...

Yeah... just replace Lana with Alicia, Pete with Lois Lane (wait... already done...), and Chloe with... well, a hotter version of Chloe, with a decent (or indecent...) plotline at least...

... and then maybe, just maybe, you'll have a show worth watching... instead of just an show worth reviewing, and unsafely wasting my time on each and every week..."

FUCK YOU, UPN! And FUCK YOU Paramount, for not even trying to save the damn show...

... uggh... there really isn't a reason for me to even care about television anymore...

"Alicia Baker just... dies?!... WTF?!?... Clark Kent already has the Sam Carter, Black Widow complex?! Already? WTF?!?... excuse me as I...

Now, seriously... regardless of my evil laughter up top... is it me, or is every Smallville episode just somehow better, whenever Lois Lane pops her head in for a stroll?... Now, she didn't even do much in Pariah. But the moment I heard how bad her karaoke was, to her most lovely subtle moment with the Alicia Baker marriage thing (how did she find out about that though?, the episode just somehow felt... better... than all the other Smallville crap we've gotten the past few months...

Now, it's obvious why the show has sucked for a long time... Lana Lang again was a pure waste of time. Now, sure I'm not one to complain about lovely shower silhouette scenes. But WHAT THE FUCK was up with the candles? She has to be French chic when she's bathing in the nude or what?... And the whole character just felt like such a nuisance throughout the rest of the episode. The actress looked bitchy as hell as she was warding off Alicia (in a bad way for viewers, at least), and was it me, or did the actress just look completely lost (and not in a good way) when confronted by Jason's mother?... Now, normally I'd put Jason in the con column as well. But whenever he's not with Lana, and whenever he's not getting choked out by a measly girl scarf, the guy is actually interesting. I do want to know what's going to happen with his mother (who tried to Mrs. Robinson woo Lex Luther with that outfit, it seems...). And the thought of Lex and Jason teaming up to find out the truth, is probably the only good thing that's ever happened to the Teague character. Because now we have a Teague of Extraordinary Gentleman... umm... yeah... still, at least it almost made me forgot about how damn annoying Lana was all episode long...

Chloe hasn't had much to do this season, but for once she finally got herself a character arc besides being the girl that Clark just never seems to be interested in for God knows what reason... It was painfully obvious that Chloe would be the one to learn Clark's secret. But didn't she already know about his powers, considering how she's been acting for the past few episodes?... Still, absolutely the best scene in the episode was Clark catching that Tonka Toy looking CG car model in midair. It made me laugh out loud to realize just how dumb he was - he didn't even "zip" around to see if anyone saw him catch the cheap looking car or not (he didn't even question why Alicia called him in the first place)... And from that point on, Chloe somehow felt like she had a purpose again. She seems a lot more attractive now than she did in the first half of the season (her glowing hair has improved). And except for that god-awful graveyard scene, the actress really seemed like she was genuinely struggling with Clark's secret and the fact he never told her any of this... While Lois' touchy feely moral of the week felt out of place, it did outline the fact that poor Chloe probably blames herself for pushing Clark away with her wall of weird... and more to the point, the hug those two cousins had sure had a lot of sweet, sweet lesbian tension in it... it certainly had my attention...

... heh... no wonder episodes with Lois Lane just automatically feel better...

There were a few WTFs this episode that didn't really feel right... Lionel was nowhere to be found (even if I don't like his character arc right now, I still adore the actor). And the Kents were both on PMS once again - why do they always ask Clark to get a girlfriend, then bag on him when he's dumb enough to go, "hmm... red jewelery that looks like kryptonite... oh well, better try it on..."... well, maybe I'd bag on him too for that, but not the way that Martha and Jonathan were going psychotic this week and the last... And oh, as for Mr. Sandman Tim Hortons? The new freak of the week versus the old freak of the week formula just didn't work (see Stargate SG-1 for a nice AVP comparison). The final battle with Clark was just too short and meaningless for me to give a damn (except the heat vision thing was cool), and why the hell didn't Alicia just teleport out as soon as she saw the cloth coming? Where's her goddam timing and instincts? She seemed hypersensitive (like all women) about everything else, so why not this?...

Still, Sarah Carter looked cute as hell for the second week in a row. Alicia Baker really has perfect hair and a glowing face, even if I can't stand the sound of her voice... Still, even if she had good chemistry with Clark, I just hated how nice and gentle and innocent she was in this episode compared to the last. Sure, she broke her promise to Clark out of hurt, and showed Chloe the truth with the cool car thing and all. But for the most part? Alicia was a pussy. Not that any guy would have a problem with that... The thing is, she was just written off of the show, like that?... The death was just so out of the blue and so meaningless, that the only thing I could do was laugh my head off at Clark's god-awful "NOOO!!!" screamings in the background...

... heh... guess he heard about the Star Trek Enterprise cancellation too or something...

Now, is it just me, or does Tom Welling just seem to act so much better, every single time that Lois Lane joins the cast for the episode?... Even if his dialogue was cheesy as hell during the ball bouncing and graveyard scenes, the actor just pulled it off anyways. He looked genuinely distressed and guilty, and mostly not just in the usual teen movie way... His girlish screams of pains as he was holding Alicia's body in his arms got more tears out of my eyes from laughter than sadness, but hey, at least Superman really did seem pissed as he was choking the life out of the poor, pointless freak of the week... And even before that, the actor just seemed to look more genuine than he has for months, when embarrassed by Lois Lane on stage, or even by the ever bitchy Lana in all their scenes... or should I give the credit to Sarah Baker instead? Tom Welling and her really had chemistry together... and because of that, when it comes to her sudden, pointless death? All I can say is...

... yeah... along with Star Trek Enterprise, this day has just been chock full of fucked up surprises...

... if only Alicia Baker and Lois Lane were in every single episode of Smallville, than maybe I would still have a use for my TV afterall...

... because things always just somehow get better, with all three coming together on the screen at once, but I digress..."

"Okay, I think it's settled. The show is automatically better somehow, as long as Lois Lane is in each and every episode...

... because quite frankly? Even with yet another boring, stale freak of the week formula, still... well?...

"Clark gets mobbed by super horny, hot college fucking girls... and he still doesn't get it on? What the fuck?!... balls of steel, indeed..."...

Really, that brunette that was literally the icing on the cake? Hot damn, was she ever looking fuckable as hell. And yet Clark still didn't lay his hands on her? What the hell is wrong with him?...

... cue jokes about him being alone with a guy in his barn... it's always a barn...

... but anyhew, I guess you know Lois Lane really does make every single episode better, when even though Clark seemed like a complete dumbass all throughout Recruit (sort of like how bad The Recruit was), I still ended up liking the show somehow... In that college dorm bedroom scene, it was all saved by a) obviously, how damn hot and horny the brunette was to me, and b) the comedy that Lois provided, with her commentary on the dieting diary and all... And that wasn't the only scene she was great in... Even though it was cliche, I still laughed at how gullible Clark was to Lois' tongue-in-cheek manipulations in the barn. Although it rolls the eyes to think Lois actually seems happy to be kicked out of MetU, I still gotta hand it to the writers, for somehow getting the word "hobo" to fit properly into the context of the show... I didn't even like the premise of the whole episode, with Lois being framed for murder. But hey, something about Erica Durance's performance was still great, even with her stiff upper lip underwater and all...

... of course, the rest of the episode wasn't exactly Hemingway or diary class theatre, as always...

Lana Lang was once again a complete bitch. I mean, WTF is still up with the candles in her room? WTF was she wearing? And WTF is the problem with her, always being bitchy in every single scene she's in?... But at least Jason Teague got some decent moments in with Lex Luther... Now, Lionel was nowhere to be found again. But I didn't particularly mind this time around... I mean, sure Jason and Lex basically got nowhere in their over-stretched conversation about absolutely nothing. Essentially, they were just regurgitating their lines from the last episode (and honestly, how the hell can Jason possibly resist a $100,000 US job with a damn fine car, that requires almost no real work whatsoever?...)... But at least I do enjoy the core plotline behind it all. I'm disappointed that Lex isn't slowly turning into Clark's enemy as he was for the first half of the season, but it's nice to know that the Kryptonian stone story hasn't been completely forgotten. And that maybe, just maybe, that horrible witch episode (the one episode that even Lois Lane couldn't save) won't be a complete waste to the series...

I'm going to ignore the freak of the week here, because a) I hate the OC, and b) I hated his performance as the over-pressured college cock of a jock this episode... But I will give the writers credit for one thing. If only thanks to Lois Lane and Chloe, I thought Clark Kent put in a good performance as the guy who really gave up his dream to do the right thing... Who wouldn't want to be worshipped in front of 60,000 fans every week, right? But after a ton of boring scenes, with Mr. OC playing possum with a pillow and everything, Clark slowly learned the truth: you can't always control yourself, when you want to win so badly... Now, everything Tom Welling did for the first 40 minutes of the episode was just plain awful. I was bored out of my tears, except when Lois cracked a joke or two on screen... But once Clark realized the truth, he really did bring forth some pretty damn strong scenes (just like he did back in that HS championship match episode way back). Finally, his parents made some sense (although it was weird as hell how nobody even mentioned whats-her-name's death from last episode). And the last shot, of him simply standing silent in the football stadium, was a hell of a lot better than most of the whining and bitching we've gotten from the cast and crew all season long... plus, I liked watching the scenery of Vancouver as they were driving by... always a fun time...

And hell, Lois Lane seems to be really infectious when it comes to making the rest of the characters actually interesting on the show... Because I personally couldn't even keep track of how many times I laughed at Clark's "oh shit" looks when it came to Chloe. And I mean that in a good way... Now, Chloe hasn't really ever had a plotline in the series next to being the odd girl out. But damn, am I ever enjoying how damn dipshit dumb Clark is whenever Ms. Sullivan lays a not so subtle hint... Hell, I've already watched this episode twice, and already I've balled out laughing twice at how fucking clueless Clark was when he commented "you've been saying a lot of weird things lately"... Well, duh, Mr. Met-U... And Chloe of course had a great response, not feeling bad at all that Clark won't confide in her. Instead, the actress really did seem proud of him, and maybe a little bit horny as well... Somehow, there was real chemistry between the two there. Instead of all those annoying moments where Chloe detests Clark for not telling her a thing, she actually seemed to trust him now. Ironically enough... and it worked...

... I guess Lois Lane really was the one thing that this series actually needed...

... I mean fuck, I'm in university... why the hell can't I get an uber-sexy brunette like that?...

"Well, the Litmus test has now officially been in effect for two weeks now. And the final results?...

... a) The Toronto Raptors suck, having lost to the damn Bulls... again... and b) Lois Lane really does seem to be the only saving grace of Smallville these days... because, well?...

"... Old man Kent got his ass kicked, by old man Yeller dogs? WTF?... What the hell is this? A post-modern, dark and disturbed remake of Lassie?... which sadly would probably sell in this day and age, mind you..."

... and, well... to be honest? I do definitely want to make fun of this episode. I mean, Krypto sounded like it would be a really bad episode. And for a lot of its scenes, it definitely was... Lana Lane may not have been in more than one or two scenes, but I hated her with a passion every moment she was on screen. No other actress can look as bitchy as her with a single look - not a single one, and that's saying something... And then of course, you had the round circle of pointless talk between Lex, Jason, and Mrs. Teague all over again, with none of their incoherent babble going anywhere. The only thing that saved those scenes from complete mediocrity, was the single scene return of Lionel Luthor, who may not have forwarded the plotline very much, but finally seemed to have gotten back a bit of that old skool sinistre that the show has been sorely missing all season long...

And Clark? Well, he was hit and miss this episode... I hated Lassie when I was young. I preferred The Black Stallion, thank you very much... So obviously I didn't care a damn bit about Krypto the dog this episode... I mean, sure I got a few chuckles from seeing the dog pull a tractor through a fence. And sure, as cheesy as it was, at least Clark finally looked happy as he was throwing that frisbee in the end (guess he gets over the death of girlfriends really damn quickly...)... But c'mon, already! Pretty much all the scenes of just Clark and the dog were just plain boring in the end. The entire truck and gasoline scene barely had any speech or special effects whatsoever. The music just couldn't hold my interest, as Clark just sat around, gathering his breath for what seemed like forever as the truck blew up around his face... There was no suspense to that scene, and no comedy either. And most of the episode was the exact same thing... Sure, I got a kick or two out of Martha Kent loving "Shelly" so much, if only because it was a welcome change of pace from her real bitchy Lana Lane mode as of late... but really...

If there's anything that this season of Smallville (and the past three seasons, actually) have proved without a shadow of a doubt, it's that Tom Welling and Clark Kent just can't make an episode interesting by themselves...

Sure, her allergy scenes were both cheesy and sneezy. And sure, some of her lines felt forced (although I did still get a kicker of "you're so weird at times", when it came to Clark wanting to run his way to the robbery)... But hey, how can you not enjoy the actress' performance, when she proved beyond a shadow of a doubt at just how annoying women drivers are?... She provided every damn entertaining scene in the episode, from picking up the dog she hit in the most awkward of manners, to driving at ridiculously slow speeds, to absolutely being utterly Lois Lane clueless as Chloe and Clark were just making excuses for the tractor going all weird on the fence... And Chloe herself? Yeah, she may not have been in many scenes, with one of them being completely ruined by Lana's complete, pinpoint bitchery. But I still can't help rolling on the floor in laughter, every time she tries to con Clark into confiding his secret in her, only for him to go "oh shit!" and act all gay, as if Chloe was making a pass at him... How many times is Clark going to go all spineless and clueless? How many times has he already done that right now?...

There's really not much to talk about Krypto, because it really wasn't much of an episode... You had the cliche evil vet guy, with the cliche not-so-evil little brother (which went nowhere, by the way). You had some more circular scenes with Lex, where once again Clark never seems to visit his friend except to pump him for information in heavily contrived and rude ways... And then you had a few extra timbits of info about the Isabelle witch fiasco. And judging from the WB promo for next week's Chinatown episode, I'm thinking that I'm going to have a hell of a lot to complain about come next Wednesday...

But hey, I still somehow enjoyed Krypto, to some extent at least... Lois Lane and her utterly cocky stupidity, has given her the best of banter relationships with Clark. Because no matter how cheesy her lines may be written ("Maybe I'm allergic to you"), the actress just always shines through in having perfect chemistry with Clark... Sure, I wish Erica Durance was as good looking as that super hot and horny, brunette college girl from last week. But hey, if Lois Lane can really make any episode of Smallville into a bearable one, Krypto included?...

"Well, Smallville wasn't nearly as bad this week as I thought it was going to be, judging from the promos... but that doesn't mean that I still don't have a hell of a lot to complain about when it comes to Sacred...

"WHAT THE FUCK?!... Sacre bleu... Crouching Lana, Hidden Bitch? Seriously, that was the SLOWEST ASS Chinese fight scene I have ever seen in my life!... I mean, you'd at least expect a bitch like Lana to be more apt with a bloody hell dagger from the rear end than that, but that's besides the point..."...

Okay, let's run down the cast here... Chloe had absolutely zero lines. She wasn't even in the episode. So she basically filled out the role that Pete Ross had last season. Good on her then, mate... Lois Lane was nowhere to be found, again. Which I guess is a credit to her character, considering I'd hate for Lana to mess up the only good character left on Smallville, like she did in that goddam awful first Isabel episode... Martha Kent had maybe two lines or so. At least she made a good point about the Kryptonian Stones perhaps not being meant for Clark. But dear Mother Kent was pretty invisible elsewise... Jonathan Kent was basically the same. He voiced some concern over just hopping on a plane to China, but pretty much just stayed in the background otherwise... And Lionel Luther? I still goddam hate how he's playing the nice guy now. I'm sure that when the finale unfolds, it'll be finally revealed that he knew about Clark's secret and the crystals all along, and playing nice was just his best way of getting to them. But until I know for a fact that this will be the outcome, I just can't stand his character... He's still the best actor by far on the show. But without the evil music rooting behind him, it's just not the same...

Okay, let's get the love fest between Lex and Jason over with first... Lex was a bit of an enigma this episode. He showed his malicious side again by purposely getting Jason captured and tortured. But then the tables turned, and thanks to Jason's mom I'm sure, Lex became the poor tortured bastard, leaving with the only real wounds of the episode... I didn't mind the whole Shanghai setting of the episode. I felt like it was cloned right out of Buffy/Angel's Chinese Boxer Rebellion, as something about this version of Shanghai just felt off and so small compared to all the real Chinatowns I've visited... But hey, at least the two white devils stood out like bloody blank ghosts in the sea of my fellow comrades, as they should have. And Jason, for the most part, was actually one of the better parts of the episode... Now, it completely doesn't make sense to me why on earth he would bring one of the stones to Lana, who can turn into the evil bitch Isabel at any time. But at least this episode furthered the main arc of the season around quite a bit, and let us know a bit more about Jason. He's as dumb as a rock, but yeah, he does care about Lana...

... which definitely confirms how goddam dumbass he is, but that's besides the point...

Now, Lana Lang finally had her episode to shine. The problem is, if this was her definition of shining, then she really should've just stayed on Edgemont and went naked with Grace Park... Okay, the fight scene at the end was simply horrendous. Couldn't she at least have stripped Clark's powers again, instead of looking so damn dumbass as he finally got smart enough to use his light speed?... Lana did look reasonably hot in that white tank top of hers as she was getting electrocuted. She was burning up, actually... And I'll admit, Sacred was the episode where she has been the least annoying so far this season, as she actually seemed 'understanding' of Clark for once, but that's not saying much... Because while I appreciated the stupidity of their conversation on the Luthor jet, it still all just degenerated into real nothingness when they stepped into the tiny ville of Shanghai, met a useless Chinese professor who was wearing leather for some goddam reason, and then just get chased around by evil anonymous, Chinese henchmen, until the goddam rip-off of Chinese movies I still hate to this day, decided to take center stage...

Now, I'll admit that Clark was better than his average episode self, considering Chloe and Lois (his two better halves) were nowhere to be found. I liked how he played the 'Chloe' this episode, acting all knowing about Lana's deep and dark secret of power, yet Lana never once got a fucking clue where his understanding was all coming from... I liked the fact that Clark just sped away on a plane (nice to remember that he still can't fly himself) without telling his parents. And the one interesting thing to come out of this episode, was the fact that kryptonite was protecting the stone. I mean, why?... We got a decent return to the Jor'el plotline, with Clark's biological father actually sounding only half evil this time around. And we got to say goodbye to Christopher Reeve in a way... It would've been nicer if they dedicated this episode to him, but I suppose just a small snippet on the Smallville television was decent enough for now... And I will admit, that as anti-climactic as it was, I still liked the camera work and music when it came to the return of the Kryptonian key...

There's one thing I liked about Sacred - it actually made the race for the three stones into something interesting for once... Whoever hid the stones in the first place, obviously didn't want Clark or Jor'el to get them... Lex's shift to the dark side may be directly related to the three stones. Jason seems a bit too knowing about the whole situation. And I'm just sure that Lionel Luthor has something up his sleeves... And hey, even if we had to put up with goddam Kreuk in dual bitch roles, at least we finally got to learn the true meaning of the map. And as a whitewashed Chinese over here, how could I not enjoy the sight of all that Chinese food being sold on the streets? I did watch this episode before eating dinner, afterall... and on a day I didn't even get to eat lunch... and, well...

Sacred was anything but a sacred episode. And Crouching Lana, Hidden Bitch was a true testament to that... Still, at least it was still worlds better than the first Isabel episode was. But that's definitely not saying much, as Smallville really seems to really goddam struggle whenever it comes to February Sweeps time, for God knows whatever kind of reason...

"Now, I know that Lucy was pretty much just a filler episode. And normally, I'd be the first to jump on the Lucy-hating bandwagon... or at least, I'd be the first to jump on Lucy...

... but I don't know... Maybe with Battlestar Galactica, Stargate SG-1, and Stagate Atlantis all over for the season... and maybe because of the current hiatus for my ever precious and beloved Enterprise... or maybe just because of the storied, fucking state of affairs that my goddam school life is going through right now...

... "I... kinda... liked... Lucy?... I love Lucy... and I don't know why... I guess 'cause, Lois and her sister had some real sass... not to mention some real lesbian chemistry too, giggling like Japanese school girls with Chloe, but I digress..."...

Besides lesbian chic, I just have a thing for episodes with decent dialogue, that's all... Normally, Smallville is absolutely the last show on earth that I'd ever credit for having good scripts. And even by glancing at this episode, it's obvious to see why... Lana was a bitch as always. I must admit, I never expected her to go all "my preciousss" and steal the stone herself. But still, her acting this episode was just atrocious. As I couldn't help but ball out in laughter at her god-awful "You betrayed me!" soap opera stare of the week... She was staring at Jason obviously, who went all bullish on Lionel Luther (who was acting very suspiciously this episode, might I add). Jason was only in a few scenes, and really didn't do himself any favours... So, he got the rock last week, then lost it this week. Wow, he sucks... The only good thing to come out of Lucy this week, was the fact that Lex found out that Jason was the one who first stole the rock in China...

... well, that's not the only thing to come out of Lucy... if only I had my way...

The thing is, yeah Lucy wasn't really good looking to me, considering all that make-up made her into quite the whore... But I don't know. I guess I'm just a corporate whore for whores or something, because the show just feels so much more like family... a sexy incestuous family, with Lois and friends onboard... as Erica Durance just seems to make everyone better and that much hotter...

I just always seem to love the flirtatious, sibling rivalry going on between Clark and Lois... Now, it bugs me to hell that she keeps slapping "Smallville" on the shoulder without ever noticing his arms of steel. But hey, I just love the way that Clark talks to her... Completely unlike what he does to everyone else, he doesn't try to be nice to her really. He's so much more natural when he's being both sarcastic, funny, and uncomfortably comfortable with her at the same time. And it all comes out so wonderfully on screen, when he unwittingly admitted that him and her were "friends" in the barn... Lois unfortunately had a lot of sappy dialogue this episode, namely with her sob story about raising her sister like a mother. But the actress knew how to blow the whole thing off, with her quick little retorts and retreats, and her lovely telling of a 3-star general to shut the hell up... Her dialogue for the most part, is just so much more interesting than any other character's Smallville dialogue, that it really is funny at times... Sure, overcooking bacon was cliche. But she certainly made up for it, actually seeming both jealous and disgusted as her sister was flirting with Clark in those Simple Life overalls of hers...

Now, obviously I should have a problem with an episode called "Lucy", if I thought the character of Lucy was poorly handled... I hated how lame and fake her sob story of the loan shark was. I hated how Clark figured out her whole ploy as well (isn't he normally Mr. Clueless?). I hated her Lucy just magically escaped from her captors and stole that Porsche without anyone noticing. And yes, I even hated her face, considering how whorish her make-up was... But hey, the episode was still on the plus side as far as I'm concerned, considering Lois and Lucy had a decent talk in front of a nice Porsche inside of the truck gone wild. And hey, I'll enjoy the episode, if only because of the cool looking jump Clark made onto the back of the truck (why couldn't he just run alongside it though?... eh...)... And honestly, how could I not at least enjoy an episode, where Tanith of all supervillains made a triumphant return after so many years of just being dead on Stargate SG-1? His German accent was just embarrassing... but hey, at least it was still better than that one time at band camp, when he was reduced to being on Andromeda, that's for sure...

Plot-wise, Lucy was definitely a weak link to start off the Smallville hiatus with.... But dialogue wise? I don't know, but I actually did enjoy what we were given... Chloe was so damn flirty with her comments, that I couldn't help but laugh at every single one of Clark's patented "oh shit" looks. Chloe just looks so damn smug everytime she comments about how he never stops trying to save people, that really, how could I not find her the least bit attractive?... Lionel played the violin bit, and shook up the cards of the game by actually proving to us for once that he's telling the truth, no matter how evil he sounded in the library scene. And Lex? Well, his idea to catch the evil Tanith was pretty lame. But like I said, he did seem rather naive when he learned the truth about Jason, a feeling that has been definitely sorely lacking this season. And if I really had any complaints about Lex this episode? It was that he was too nice... Sure, he had his own agenda in Germany. But he just sounded far more genuine about Clark as "family", then he's genuinely sounded all season long... a little too nice, for a supervillain to be I'd say...

Lucy as a whole episode was a bit of a cliche, with all its crap about family and siblings and three star generals that... Still, Lois and Clark and these new adventures of Superman, just managed to make it that much more entertaining to me somehow...

... well, more than Stargate SG-1 and Star Trek Enterprise did for me this week, at least...

So good for you, Smallville! You finally get yourself an IvanFian episode of the week award...

... though, alas... the sad part is, even if SG-1 and Enterprise had aired this week, Lucy still might've had a chance at the honour..."

"Thirteen is not a lucky number... not today, and not for me at least... but, well...

Considering I just potentially failed yet another final exam? And considering I have another one tomorrow morning... and then another one the day after that?... then it probably ain't very wise for me, to be wasting my evenings writing noname updates that nobody will ever read, now is it?...

... then again, this is Smallville, right? And everybody knows that I just love Smallville oh so much, that I can't ever resist a small Smallville week in review... because?...

... and apparently, Lionel Luthor... actually has a good side?... WHAT THE FUCK?..."

... uggh... at times, watching Onyx was worse than failing my Computer Complexity course for the second straight time... well, almost at least...

Now, obviously this episode had some redeeming features. Namely, Michael Rosenbaum doing his usual thing... It's amazing just how different he made the three Lex's throughout the story. When he intended to, it was obvious who was the 'good' Lex, even to the point of him being so kind to his father that it was unnaturally creepy... And when he intended to, he was definitely the sinister Lex as well. His fight against Clark was a long time coming, and I just loved how evilish and 'heelish' (if you go by wrestling terms) he acted whenever he showed off that kryptonite ring of his... And when Lex was merged back into his old self? His acting really was impeccable... You could see him 'trying' to be nice, especially in trying to reconcile with Lana. And yet you can see the ulterior motives there too, all highlighted by that evil Lex hint of a smile he gave at the end of the episode... As the evil Lex said, Luthor has thought about killing Clark and his friends. He just never had the guts to do it... and I liked that line...

... well, mostly because I can kinda relate, but, um... let's never talk about that again, now shall we?...

... unless we're talking about every single other Smallville character out there... and maybe the writers for the show too, but I digress...

Martha and Jonathan weren't in the episode long enough for me to comment on. They did their part, getting shot in the kneecap and all (and not feeling pain, it seemed), and not going all bitchy afterwards at Clark for some odd reason (that has been their thing this season)... Lois Lane wasn't in the episode. I guess that was already the first fatal flaw with the Onyx formula... Jason was absent in action as well. Don't know where he went. But thanks to his temporary departure at least, that made Onyx feel quite like an old school Smallville episode... for better or worse...

First of all, Lana was a bitch yet again. Not as much of a bitch as normal, but her damn bulging eyes are just so damn annoying whenever she's unwilling to forgive someone (Lex in this case, near the end). And her goddam conversation with Clark, about guys keeping secrets? Sure, it had triple meaning now (Clark, Lex, and Jason), but goddam was that scene ever painful to watch. I slapped my head out of the sheer stupidity of their shared "oh shit" looks, something I haven't done since the last goddam Smallville episode might I add... And Chloe? Sure, I found her constant hints of knowing Clark's powers to be funny the first thousand times the writers fiddled with it. But goddam, was she ever bitchy in Onyx... The whole time they were in the lab, waiting for evil Lex to return, Chloe was just bitching at Clark about keeping secrets and being alone for eternity, as if her lines were ripped right from Lana's last season or some crap like that. And God, they turned cute, adorable Chloe into Lana 2: The Cheapquel! What the fuck?! I didn't think it was possible... but for once, I was actually glad when Chloe did shut up and just walked out the door... hopefully to do dirty things to Lois, but that's a story for another day...

Clark was both his usual clueless self this episode, and not half bad in Onyx either... The first half of the episode consisted of just plain awful conversations with Chloe and Lana about keeping secrets, and the duality of human nature and blah blah blah. All crap done to death during the first three seasons of Smallville... But the episode did start picking up around the time that Clark was stupid enough to cement his powers in front of evil Lex in the laboratory. After that, I must admit that no matter how comic book cliche it got ("Join me, and we'll conquer the world! BWAHAHA!"), I definitely did enjoy the Lex vs Clark confrontation in the Kent barn. Lex was being cocky as ever, looking good with the green bling bling and all. Clark was being his dumbass self yet again, ever so slowly choking Lex instead of using his super speed to knock him out or some crap like that... Still, like I said, their dialogue just had a familiar sense of nostalgia to it. I loved how Lex didn't even hesitate to use the gun on Mr. Kent... His god-awful line, "I am the villain of the story", had me rolling on the floor in laughter during commercials. But hey, at least the overall scene was great...

What was not great, was the extra hokey dialogue between the two Lex's in the basement... The Louis XIV stuff was alright. But there were just so many other lines that were just so downright cliche evil, that it even made Superman and Spiderman comics from the 60s feel fresh and post modern... I really didn't like the final battle between Clark and Lex either. I mean, I thought green kryptonite reflected Clark's heat vision? And black kryptonite, while a nice link to the start of the season, still feels so out of place in the Smallville world (especially the way it was created... regular heat? WTF?...)...

But my biggest complaint by far, has just got to be the travesty that they've done to John Glover's Lionel Luthor. I mean, gathering what we saw in Onyx, we can conclude that... WTF? Lionel Luthor was actually genuinely good for the past half year? WHAT THE FUCK?... I was hoping, ever so goddam hoping that the writers had an ingenious plan for Luthor senior, giving him a real cool ulterior motive to his charity crap that we never would've thought of as an audience... But in the end, he actually did turn good earlier in the season? That's it? And now he's back to being evil, still with no memory of ever being in Clark's body? WTF?... uggh... worst writing ever... but at least I can feel fortunate that we'll finally get the real Lionel Luthor back from this point on... or at least, I can hope...

Don't get me wrong - Onyx was more entertaining than I'm giving it frackin' flack for... Like I said, we finally got the Clark vs Lex confrontation we've been waiting years for, and I don't think it disappointed. Was a bit quick on the trigger though, but it didn't disappoint...

Of course, this episode did ruin a ton of characters, had a horribly cliche script, and once again merely cockteased us with Lex's eventual turn to the dark side of the force... Thirteen was not a lucky number for him, I'm afraid. But hey...

... at least the episode was good enough to get me off my ass from studying... and back on my ass to write this damn review...

... and considering my mad l337 procrastination skillz? That ain't saying much either...

... he and Repli-Carter can make a good Repli-Mrs-Robinson couple someday, I guess..."

"Well, I’ve been holed up here in my basement for about the last three goddam hours… A prisoner in my own house, so to speak. That’s how an anti-social, anal retentive, paranoid delusional nerd always feels when there’s 20 or more people that I don’t know, partying with a beer keg upstairs as we speak…

I wanted Blank to be a clean slate for Smallville. I mean, the promo for it looked so damn good last week, and the episode actually had real potential consequences... Would Chloe end up forgetting everything she learned? Would Clark remember that Chloe learned of all his powers?...

... of course, both ideals fell flat by the end of the hour... and we were back to square one...

... the first half of Blank just had so much potential, and was actually great for the most part... but it's been the absolute story of the series, to end the damn episode with the ol' third person IvanF, slapping himself in the head yet again at the show's stupidity... because?... well...

"Clark loses all his memory... gets amnesia again... and Lana still acts like a complete bitch to him? WTF?!?..."

First, she breaks up with Jason over lies. I mean, sure we know that Jason is actually evil, so the breakup is warranted to the audience. But Lana doesn't know all that about him. Hell, she even stole the damn kryptonian stone right from under his nose, and yet she's the one who gets to act all high and mighty?... bitch slap right there... Then there was the Clark exchange at school. He has amnesia, yet he still loves her so much. And yet how does she act? She acts all disturbed, weirded out and bothered, unwilling to even patronize this new Clark with the thought of a second chance... bitch, bitch slap over there... And after she finally decides to make "this time" different, then how does she act to the returning Clark? Oh, she decides to shut the hell up and try to run away yet again... Sure, she's hurt by the fact that he doesn't remember his promise. But for crying out loud, he had fucking amnesia! He doesn't remember anything! He was essentially the Lana or Chloe of the week!... What, she would act the same towards a cripple or blind mind or something? Which are also two things that Clark has suffered through in the past, and yet Lana still acts like her bitchy self all the time...

Jason was utterly useless and evil this episode. I mean, I know that once a character is deemed evil by a previous episode, that he doesn't stay in the good characters' good graces for long. But being kicked out the very episode after? Kinda worthless spying, if you ask me... The Kent parents were nowhere to be found, although in the end, that probably did work out the best for Blank... Lionel was missing in action yet again as well, but Lex was there to pick up the pace. He didn't have many scenes, but I just loved how snivellish and conniving he was. Bringing the brain dead Clark to the caves was a nice touch, with all the small lies here and there... But why the hell did he take Clark's actual drawing at the end? Well, I hope that was a photocopy, otherwise Clark will put two and two together... and not do or figure out anything, except give one of his patented "oh shit" looks that he's infamous for now...

They should really rename the show, "Lois and Chloe: The New Adventures of Clark", or something along those lines. Because those two actresses really have been giving the show it's only bright spots of the season... Lois was great once again. The whole "amnesia again" thing was great, with a nice reminder of how she didn't even seem phased by Clark being naked in the season premiere or anything... She kinda even looked hurt when Clark claimed that he didn't seem to like Lois much. But just a bit... And at least Clark knows that Lois is somewhat trustworthy or not. Sure, we all knew what was going to happen when Lois saw the truth about Clark, in terms of the memory wipe and all. But she didn't even flinch an eye - hell, she didn't even really look surprised or anything... I just love that dynamic about Erica Durance's character. She's tough, sarcastic, dimwitted, yet trustworthy at the same time. And her chemistry with Clark is simply undeniable...

But this episode was all about Chloe, and this was definitely her best episode of the season... Now, I could've done without bad lines like "premature combustion", but I loved pretty much every scene of Clark rediscovering his powers. Imagining herself "on the other side of the conversation" when Clark bent a lead pipe without hesitation just seemed right somehow. And yeah, I laughed when Clark was too damn dumb to even run back to catch the motorcycle he missed... Chloe just had a vibrant energy in Blank, that almost made me wish Clark had stayed blank, just so we could keep this Chloe on the show. Instead of giving annoying oh shit looks like Clark always does, Ms. Sullivan somehow gave cute oh shit looks, whenever Lois was about to find out the truth or whatever... And the ending of the episode? Oh dead God, was Clark a moron. How many hints does Chloe have to drop with her boobs until Clark just tells her the goddam truth? Instead of just oh shit looks, his throat was actually getting dry this time. He looked like he was going to collapse and faint... And yet he still didn't trust her with the truth? You've got to be kidding me, right?...

... now there was a bitch slap if I ever saw one... but at least Chloe took it well... I think...

Now, like I said before, Tom Welling had amazing chemistry with Lois the whole way through Blank. But it was his scenes with Chloe that were absolutely most enjoyable this episode... The door scene, the metal pipe scene, and even Chloe's little whisper to stay on guard against Lex, were all so well done by both actors on the show, that it really made the first half of the episode into one that had potential for an IvanFian episode of the week... But then of course, as Clark began to gain confidence in his powers again, the show became its old, usual self of crappiness per usual. Lana reverted back to her bitchiness, Chloe was returned to her captured state of the week, and Clark went back to being a complete moron when it comes to reading people... It was kinda funny actually, how the tables were finally turned on Clark for once, and he got to play the role of the Lana or Chloe who loses their memory for the small Smallville week in review. But c'mon already... He wakes up in the middle of Summerholt, holding two huge pillars with his hands. And he still doesn't get the clue that maybe, just maybe, he did something with his superpowers in front of people while he was fucking clueless?...

Blank was still an above average episode, if only because of Chloe's eternal sunshine and Lois' spotless mind... Despite all my negativity, keep in my mind that I really did enjoy the first half of the episode for the most part... But as for Clark? He's neither a ray of sunshine, nor the smartest bloke on the block. He's just plain blank up there, and probably shooting blanks down below as well, but I digress...

Now, if only Smallville would get rid of Lana, and make every scene in the show about Clark being bewildered and confused by both Chloe and Lois all the time, then maybe I would give thumbs up to every episode left in the season. But until then?...

"Oh dear God, the pain! The pain! It hurts!... It's like watching the whole four seasons of Smallville at once, crammed into one frickin' hour!... Oh dear God, it hurts!"...

It's almost like Erica Durance tells the Smallville writers which episodes she refuses to be in. Because from the looks of things, she tends to stay out of all the episodes that suck so damn hard, that it really would even get a cock sucking girl pregnant over night...

Chloe was barely in the episode. That's not a good sign either... Almost nothing from the past episode of her heroics were mentioned. Actually, nothing from her past heroics were mentioned whatsoever. The only thing I do remember from her in Ageless was her "speedy" line, which at least reassures us that a) she remembers Clark's secret and everything she learned in Blank, and b) she is so gonna die in the season finale of the year...

But please, PLEASE! Please just kill Lana! Please kill Lana! PLEASE JUST FUCKING KILL LANA!...

Oh dear God, did anyone else's eyeballs pop out at how goddam fluttery Kreuk was playing with her goddam bitch brows this episode?... She tried to look cute, and she tried to look caring at the same damn time. And yet all I get from her instead is, "YOU BITCH! YOU WHORE!"...

Tell me again why she isn't on some rundown soap opera with Sarah Michelle Gellar?...

First of all, I hated all her lines. I especially considered committing suicide when she predictably bitched out, "Where have you been? I've been worried sick!" when talking to a talking, frickin' A-bomb... And yes, I know all mothers are bitchy. But add that on-top to Lana's usual performances, and then you're left with one grade A nutcase instead... I mean, sure the biological father should've never left the mother. But c'mon already! He had a glowing baby being born after just one week! And yet Lana just decides to condemn his ass for being too chicken to go down in a blazing blast of meteor rock glory?... And every single time that Evan did something strange or weird, like read Clark's books without ever being taught, her damn "I'm shocked - oh shit" looks were always there, and they were just driving me insane... She tried to sound all sad and convincing when she brought Evan up to the windmill. In the end though, she just looked fucking clueless, not knowing how to act, not even knowing how to fucking stare at the camera properly...

I mean, WTF is the writer's problems? Why must they torture me so?... Ageless was just timeless pure cheese, and they knew it. They fed us the past four years of Smallville in a nutshell, starting from am ugly baby in a crater, all the way to Evan and his goddam teen angst...

I mean seriously, I was waiting for the damn bastard to just explode already. Because Evan sure as hell wasn't the poster boy for pure Evian holiness or any sort of crap like that... The death of his father scene was just so ridiculous, with whats-his-name impaling himself out of utter stupidity. I mean, wasupwidat? ... And yet nobody even goddam cared about it?... I sadly laughed at that entire scene throughout the whole damn commercial break, because who the hell is dumb enough to just impale themselves out of nowhere?... And then predictably, we got a ton of Tom Welling-cloned teen angst from Evan. He whined, he complained about his father, bitched about the new Star Wars trilogy, and then sobbed some more - which pretty much summed up the entire Smallville series so far...

And the saddest part of it all, WAS THAT THE EPISODE TOOK ITSELF FRICKIN' SERIOUSLY!... I mean, where was the Lois Lane sarcasm? Where were the goddam jokes?... Probably the only things that were even remotely funny in Ageless, was a) the urine fountain from the baby, and b) THE FRICKIN' FACT THAT THE EPISODE ACTUALLY TOOK ITSELF SERIOUSLY! I mean honestly, WTF?!...

Tom Welling and his damn fatherly instincts just got on my nerves so much... It was obvious how cheesy his lines were, telling Evan that he's a special kid, as if he was rooting him on in the Special Olympics or something like that. And yet Clark said all of his lines so earnestly and dramatically (even after looking like he just had sex with Evan after the poor bastard finally had his big bang), that I couldn't help but ball out laughing at how goddam awful Ageless really was... Every single scene with Lana was like a root canal in my mouth, overflowing the Grand Canal and the Grand Canyon at the same damn time. Clark and her just have absolutely zero chemistry, and all their constant exchanges of "oh shit" looks about Evan turning into Jonathan from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, definitely put Ageless into the same category as such classic Smallville episodes as Fear...

Even the Kents couldn't muster anything out of the horrible script that will forever be known as Ageless... Martha and Jonathan sure seemed sincere about what it means to be blessed with a kid who gets himself almost killed pretty much every week... But even so, I just couldn't help but just keep laughing at their scenes, for how ridiculously angsty and anal Tom Welling was being in them all... He kept talking as if he was a father. But he was a frickin' father for three frickin' days! He's talkinga bout having meaning in his life, and of Evan being his favourite child or some shit like that... Maybe if the episode actually took place over three damn days, I'd get that feeling too. But it didn't... Evan blew himself up in 30 minutes as far as I'm concerned! I've cooked stuff in the microwave longer than that! Seriously...

The only redeeming moments that Clark had were with Lex... Lex continues to gain on the dark side scale each and every day, taking advantage of Clark and the memory wipe last week, and lying flat-out to his friend's face this week about Evan's legacy... The handshake. I like it. I like Lex. He's a good kid, you know... He just seems to have that perfect balance, of looking sincere one second, and then turning away to reveal his true self the next. My only complaint with Michael Rosenbaum this episode, was that his conversations with his father went absolutely nowhere...

... but then again, there was also really only one spectacular thing about Ageless itself... something that will truly stand the test of time...

... one - was it me?... or did that pregnant girl at the start really sound hot as she was imploding?...

Finally, the episode and all its crap sentimental talk about parenthood, actually resulted in something that we the viewers would actually care about...

Lionel Luthor was ruthless with Genevieve, something that I completely did not predict after such a boring episode like this one... He poisoned the hell out of that bitch, took her gall, took her stone, and even got to look good in a power suit while doing it... John Glover's return to form was the one damn thing that Ageless actually got right. And I'm sure it's the only thing that we the viewers will actually choose to remember from Ageless as the years go by...

"Let the IvanFian records state... that Forever will forever stand, as perhaps the absolute best and worst Smallville episode at the very same time... because, well?...

"Let me get this straight... Smallville decides to try to one-up House of Wax?... excuse me as I...

On the one hand, Forever will forever be remembered for just how stupid it was... I mean seriously, you have a freak of the week who wants to collect high school students as statues, simply because he got rejected by the colleges he wanted to go to? Wouldn't it have been easier to just threaten the college staff members instead with his powers?...

I mean seriously, Brendan as a villain was just so over the top, that how I could I not find this episode hilarious?... I mean, you have one scene where he literally decapitates the girl we all knew was going to die, then tosses her head down a flight of stairs? Oh dear God, that scene was just so bad, that it actually was hilarious in the end!... And Brendan's fate? He turns into a Medusa statue himself, then conveniently rips off his own leg, just so that he could fall down to his House of Wax doom in his rip off of the school?... Seriously, this episode was just so stupid, that how the hell could I possibly not love it?...

I feared for Chloe for a moment there. I mean, I was terrified that with her being captured and all, that she wouldn't have much to do this episode... But the thing is, she still got her moments to shine. I just loved how eerily she smiled in front of the cameras all the time, which kinda reminds me of my own goddam failed smirks in front of any sort of lens out there... Her plan to get rid of Brendan was just completely a joke though. Why just hit him with a pole once, when you could kinda kill or something with another hit or two?... though I'd fall for Chloe pretending to fall for me anyday of the week too...

But bah, as for her stupidity - I didn't care that much. Because for the first episode in the longest of times, even Lana Lang was mostly bearable... When she was with Chloe, Kreuk's usual cluelessness and bitchiness actually worked, considering she should've been fucking clueless and bitchy about her capture and all... And thank God that for the rest of the episode, she was turned into a stone cold statue, like the stone cold bitch she always seems to be. As long as nothing comes out of that mouth of hers (except if she's gonna give me a goddam blow-job or something), then how the hell could I not love an episode as ridiculous as Forever was?...

The original trio of Clark, Chloe and Lana actually worked well in Forever, something that I haven't felt in the series since.... well?... forever, actually...

Clark was his usual sleuth self, following the bread-crumbs leading to Chloe's disappearance. And once again, he had great chemistry with Lois, as you gotta love that roll of the eyes Erica Durance gave at the comment about the missing key and all... But probably the sole reason why I actually kinda liked Forever, was because I only hit myself in the head once from the usual Clark and Lana romance crap... To be honest, their romance for once was actually kept quite subtle. We all knew it was there, and it was all hinted at by the looks the two gave each other about their choices for college... But really, for once the writers got it right. Instead of bitch slapping us with a sledgehammer of teen angst each episode, we actually got it in small, separate Smallville doses tonight. And while I still hated Lana for the bitch she was, at least I didn't hate Clark for being the pussy he normally is...

Forever pretty much had every cast member on the show doing their thing. Hell, even Pete probably had his best episode of the year (...)... The Kents were a bit too pissy for my tastes at the start. But it was all made up for by the end, when you could actually almost feel good acting in the show, from Jonathan Kent's revelation about his own choices at the end of high school... I already mentioned that Lois Lane's sarcasm was once again more than welcome. And hell, even the Teagues weren't so bad this episode... besides being so damn evil, that is...

... at least he brought out the true villains of the series back into the fold...

Lex wasn't his evil self in Forever. He was back to being his victimized, "I hate my father" sort of Luke Skywalker sort of role. And it mostly worked, since Michael Rosenbaum is such a brilliant actor. I mean, you could tell he never believed his father's concern for him once, and yet Lex wasn't a regular whiny pussy either. He kicked Jason Bourne's ass near the end, and if only it wasn't for Lionel?... If there's one truly saving grace for Forever, it was Lionel Luthor. Because c'mon already - not only did he rat Lana Lang out (which I give two thumbs up to, by the way), but he killed Jason in cold blood, right before Teague was conveniently gonna tell Lex the truth... which means what really?...

... which, I pray to God, means... that Lionel Luthor does remember what happened to him when he was in Clark's body...

... I had feared all this time, that Chloe would be the character to die in the season finale... but it ain't gonna be her anymore, now will it?...

Well, it might as well be her... How else can Lois Lane start moving in on her Smallville turf? It'll also feel weird, with Chloe being in Metropolis U all the time and everything...

Now, there's one thing I just don't get... Why the hell can't Clark just commute to Metropolis? Even if homework or witnesses and all that sort of crap prevent him from racing home every five minutes or so, what the hell is the big deal anyways? He can always slip back to Smallville in the night... it's not like he'll have any of those freshman, experimenting nymphos in his bed holding him back or anything (oh, I wish...)...

Either way... as forced as it felt this episode... I still kinda related to the core trio, as they were awkwardly sharing their end of high school teen angst with each other near the end...

Because?... I mean, except for my design project, I've officially finished my fourth and final year of university... I'm sort of done. I never have to take a test or exam ever again, if I don't want to...

And yeah, as clueless as Clark looked at the end?... as innocuously jealous as Chloe seemed?... and as distant and bitchy as Lana Lang was being, by just being there with her goddam eyes wide shut?...

... because no matter how bad this episode may have been? I still definitely enjoyed it...

... that for better or worse, I'll actually choose to remember for a very long time...

Commencement kicked all sorts of ass... WTF?... I couldn't believe what I was watching...

I mean, season four has been so damn turgidly awful for Smallville overall. Though there have been a few bright exceptions, with characters like Lois and the Flash being in the mix and all...

I mean, seriously! From now on, I should just watch season premieres and season finales of the show, because everything in between has a much better chance of just being pure filler of the week crap than anything sweet and holy like this episode was... Why the hell can't the writers write like Commencement all the time? Why the hell do they make us put up with 20+ horrible episodes a year, just to actually give us a ray of hope at the very end?...

All the actresses gave and were given superb jobs in the finale... Lois' little shock and awe moment (at seeing the devastated town of Smallville) was a bit overplayed. But damn, no matter how corny her dialogue got, I just loved all her farewells to the Kents and all... She did the sort of Michael Rosenbaum thing, underlining her true feelings beneath script lines that are obviously meant to mean something else. Because I mean, the way that she almost seemed in tears when making fun of Clark in a suit and tie? I don't know... Lois Lane alone made the show bearable to me all season long. From her acting too, and not just her cleavage... And just like Clark Kent said, how the hell are we supposed to survive without her now?... Erica Durance better be back on the cast next season...

I was terrified that Chloe would be the one to die in Commencement. The thing is, not only was she spared, but she got to play the hero as well... You gotta love how tiny little Chloe shoved Lex's evil ass right into a cave wall. And I almost wanted her to scream out to Clark when he was at the wailing Kryptonian wall. But I guess she really does have so much respect for his secret, that she still wouldn't say anything when the sky was literally falling... Acting wise, maybe Allison Mack was a bit off. She spoke way too quickly when trying to convince Clark to find Lana amidst all the panic and chaos. And the comic relief of her sneaking past a soldier as Lois was dressing him down, just didn't seem to work in that scene... But damn, does Chloe ever have loyalty to Clark. The way she lied outright to a threatening Lex, gave her the kind of balls that really make me hope that she makes a full fledged return next season...

But it's true, oh it's true... Sure, I balled out laughing at the ridiculous bitch cat fight between her and Genevieve at the start. And maybe I only enjoyed Lana this episode, because I actually had hoped that she would be the one to get killed off or something? I dunno... Either way, Kristen Kreuk actually proved that even if she can't act worth a damn Edgemont, that at least she can play a pivotal role from time to time. The guilt on her face after confessing to Lex what had happened in her apartment was simply priceless. And the return of the bitchy look when Lex stole her handbag like a thug was just as memorable... And WTF? I even enjoyed the romantic scene between Clark and Lana? Seriously, WTF?!... Maybe it was just because she sounded like she was going to leave the cast in that scene or something, but I actually found her goodbye speech to be somewhat touching. Kreuk really did sound like a person terrified of what the future would bring, and guilty of what she now bears of the past... She finally showed trust in Clark by giving him the rock instead of a hard place. And even the final kiss between him and her didn't seem that damn forced for once...

... for once, Lana Lang and her goddam teen angst actually felt... appropriate?... real?...

Every cast member on the show really got some great, memorable scenes in the finale... The Kent parents weren't bitchy like they've been all season long. And they weren't invisible in Metropolis, as they've conveniently been from time to time... Mrs. Kent was lovable with the loving, motherly tears and all. She also really seemed to be fond of Lois, bringing me high hopes for some Elektra lesbianism next season around... And sure, it kinda felt weird how quickly Pa Kent became supportive of his son's suicidal tendencies. But he made up for it, with some goddam nice ass whoopings on the ever returning prodigal son...

This guy really is Jason X. I mean seriously, I can't believe how hard I laughed at seeing him just trot out of a truck, totting a goddam shotgun in hand!... This guy was literally shot in the shoulder, pushed off a cliff, left to rot and die... lost the only love of his life to his newfound sworn enemy... and then somehow makes it back to Smallville, complaining about a "bad day"? How the hell could I not love this episode, with something as ridiculous as that?... Not only that, but with Clark nowhere to be found, Jason's return was actually done pretty decently. We learned that he may not know what Clark exactly is, but he knows enough to know how to get his mommy a nice funeral present. And he did it all with style, even shooting a few shotgun rounds into Clark's ol' bedroom for good measure... Now, I never thought I'd be saying this, but I almost hope that Jason does return for at least the season premiere next season. I've hated his character for being boring all season long... but how the hell could I not love a French, shotgun wielding hick come back from the grave?...

The Lex's were the real villains of the story, however... Now, I was disappointed in Lionel. He was probably the only character who did disappoint... Sure, his evil nature was clear as mud when it came to threatening his son with Lana's arrest and eternal imprisonment. But really, it was just eye rolling ridiculous how Lionel got his ass kicked by a fucking rock in his goddam pocket. And not only that, but the irony of the stone setting off right after he swore he didn't have it, made the scene into more of a mockery of a cheesy comedy than anything feeling tense and epic... Still, I was probably most disappointed in the fact that Lionel still didn't seem to remember his time in Clark's body... But considering that little Matrix signs were flashing left and right in his eyes near the end? Then maybe there's still hope for the old man Luthor afterall...

But damn, was his son ever evil... Now, it's kinda weird how Lex never really had a moment over the course of the season, where you could just tell that he had gone over to the dark side of the force. He rarely seemed to show his father's obsession for the Kryptonian stones, and Michael Rosenbaum normally didn't seem any more devious than he was in season three. But damn, did he make for some damn fine devilish scenes in Commencement... The subtle, smug look on his face when he realized Clark had just flat out lied to him about the cave walls was perfect. And the solemn, deranged look of obsession on his face, whenever he politely asked Lana for the stone for safe-keeping, was absolutely a pure personification of evil. You gotta love when he claimed with a smirk, that he would never take the stone from her without permission... Lex morphed over the course of Commencement alone, from the guy who just wanted to sweet talk his way into Lana's pants, into practically a rapist who wanted to force his way into power at any cost. If only he didn't look pathetically weak when Chloe kicked his ass into a wall, then Lex really would've been the true villain of the story for once...

I loved his chemistry with Lois once again. You could actually sense a bit of mutual longing between the two of them, even if there isn't an attraction just quite yet... And the way his voice would just terse and dry up just a tiny bit, whenever talk of Lois' departure was brought up? It all just gave me so much hope for the future of the series... Now, his scenes with Chloe did flat out suck at the graduation ceremony. Then again, maybe I was just a bit disappointed that Minister Mayor Wilkens from Enterprise didn't show up and morph into a giant snake or something, but I digress... Now, Clark was a bit of an idiot around his parents as well, not even securing their own safety before he went off on the mission that Jor'el sent him on. And God, was that stupid ass kid (who just wanted back his truck) a complete and utter waste of time, as I was actually hoping the moron would get crushed by some kryptonite meteor rock rather than Clark going in for the save...

But damn, whenever it came to the actual Superman aspects of Commencement? When it wasn't about silly graduation ceremonies, or dumb ass moments were soldiers just stand there as giant meteor rocks get hurled at their heads?... But damn, whenever it comes to the true running arcs of the series, and true running arcs of the Superman story as a whole?... Smallville actually delivers. I'm man enough to admit it... and I'm man enough to admit, that Tom Welling did a near perfect job in this episode...

As for the plotline itself, I think it's safe to conclude that that's not Jor'el in the wall... It was amazing to see the Fortress of Solitude (most likely filmed in Banff...). And I think that seeing all the ice and all, pretty much concludes that one of Superman's enemies from the comic books, has really been the one pulling Clark's strings over all these years... We all know the stones weren't really meant for Clark. The Jade Kryptonite mask, and perhaps even the witch inhabiting Clark's body, are strong indications that maybe something just isn't right... And while yes, I was pissed off as hell that Lana somehow didn't die from that helicopter crash. At least all was forgiven, when that giant Kryptonian ship opened up... only for us to see...

The writers finally make an amazing episode, filled with astounding special effects for the meteor show, incredible acting performances, and some completely hilarious countdowns ripped right from 24... They finally make an episode, where Clark not only has superpowers - but rather, he is Superman, living as the superhero that we all know him to be...

... and then the writers give us a big FUCK YOU, and leave the conclusion up to a new season that I know they'll fuck over as much as the fillers of season four?...

Smallville came through, with not just one of the best episodes they've ever made. But seriously one of the best television episodes I've seen all year...