IvanF's Uninformed, small Smallville Weeks in Reviews of the Fifth Season of Smallville (2005-2006)...

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- IvanF's Archived, Cut & Paste, No-Name Reviews of
The Fifth Season of Smallville (small Smallville Weeks in Review, 2005 - 2006) -
(... wait for it... ahem..."Yes, this show still manages to goddam suck... Seriously, what the fuck?..." ...)

My small Smallville Year in Review is the very last of my season write-ups to complete and post online. Hell, I've procrastinated from this shit for so damn long, that the new season of Smallville is already about to start airing this coming goddam Thursday. I've become so damn lazy when it comes to this shit, that I feel like I'm in bloody hell university again...

But seriously, can you blame me? Why the fuck would I ever actually want to write a season wrap-up review, for a show that's as goddam full of monkey dung shit as goddam Smallville has been for the past fucking five years of my life?...

Some fans consider season five to be the best season of Smallville, while others would debate whether it truly belongs with the best of season two. Either way, I don't give one damn shit about this debate, considering season two sucked complete ass back in the day, and season five was one of the most atrocious years of television ever produced in history as well. Does it really matter which shit tastes less like piss than the other?...

What the fuck even happened in season five? Weren't we supposed to have gotten the progression of Clark Kent into a real man by going to college, yet the asshole was so damn pathetic that he even dropped out of school? WTF kind of message was that? That as soon as your father kicks the bucket, that you run home crying to mommy? Because that's exactly what the so-called "Man of Steel" did...

The death of Jonathan Kent should've been the true turning point of the series, the broca divide where Clark Kent begins his true path to becoming the greatest hero known to humanity. It was a true pivotal moment in the comic books afterall, so it goddam wracks and pains the brain knowing just how much the writers fucked it up in the series. Pa Kent didn't even get to mutter a single last word in his goddam departure from the series in the first television broadcast (although I know his final message was filmed before the camera). Sure, he got to at least jot down a few of those notes in heaven and rebroadcast them as a sequel to his son in some god-awful episode about drugs to ease the pain, but by them the message had become so damn diluted that it was just a pure disservice to even be compared to the epicness of the actual graphic novels...

Really, aside from a few tears of both joy and pain from the boy wonder, did Clark Kent grow up at all in season five? He started off in Arrival battling his own Kryptonian people, learned about Zod from Milton Fine, and then spent the rest of the season either pining about Lana Lang or being too damn dumbass to ever be able to stop Brainiac from doing whatever he pleased. Clark even got to die early on in the season, which I thought would make him appreciate life more or some shit like that, yet apparently getting back his mojo and super sperm apparently just made him even more of a bitch to Lana Lang than he ever was before. Seriously, what the fuck kind of true hero lets teen angst beat him down for five seasons straight, that's what I'd like to know...

Hell, Superman didn't even earn any new powers in season five. Couldn't the writers have at least thrown us a bone, by having farm boy Kent toss some cellophane Superman symbols from his chest at the bad guys with no effect or some shit like that?...

Goddam, I thought I hated Smallville as a series before, but I honestly couldn't believe my eyes and ears, how season five made me absolutely loathe and despise every single character on the show more than I ever did before. WTF?...

Martha Kent had always been the rock of the series that Smallville has always been built upon, even moreso than Jonathan Kent. Yet I'm sorry, but maybe it's the menopause talking, but I just couldn't stand how much of a fucking slut she had become with Lionel Luthor. Lionel himself had absolutely no real direction throughout the season, except in confusing the hell out of the viewers whether he was actually himself or just a pawn of Jor'el and/or Zod. Whether he was possessed or not, I don't know, but it still didn't stop the two of those old haggard actors from getting it on to the point where I swear I was watching Clark and Lana Redux Version 0.5...

Lionel Luthor had stepped back from the plate to let his son become the true supervillain of the series, but I just didn't see the transition happen like it should've. Finally, Lex grew some balls and stole Lana away from Clark, but what else did he do to really make the fans hate him? Michael Rosenbaum has always been the best "young" actor on the cast, so why the fuck wouldn't I cheer him on as he actually saved Clark Kent from a lifetime of misery with Lana fucking Lang? Lex did have a few evil moments throughout the season, of slowly becoming the rich and callous and self-interested businessman that he later would become in the comic books, but for the most part? It sucks how all the character development he went through in the early start of the season, all went to fucking waste when he actually tried to save humanity from Milton Fine, only to become possessed by the most wussified version of Zod I have ever witnessed before in my life...

... that's what Lana fucking Lang has been doing all summer long, that's for sure...

How the fuck could anyone tolerate Kristen Kreuk on the series, that's the real question of the day. I'm sure it wasn't just me who noticed afterall, that just like Cleopatra and all the queen bitches of the world back in the day, she really is the dredge that drags down Superman and the best of men to the depths of tragedy and hell. First, she gets the smitten Clark Kent all battered and bruised and literally fucking killed by the bullet, yet barely seemed to sniff a tear as she had Lex on her back side, stuffing his cock down her so-called virgin ass...

Then she spends the rest of the season all bitching and complaining that Clark just ain't man enough for her in fucking bed, being the goddam slut that she is afterall. And after she got fed up of all the batteries dying repeatedly on her own goddam vibrator, she started sleeping with another man, probably causing Superman in this alternate universe to absolutely hate all women and start beating on goddam feminists to this very day. Or at least stalk Wonder Woman on the goddam toilet in her invisible plane. WTF?...

What else could possibly explain his complete aversion to everything that is sweet and holy and fucking moly cute in Chloe Sullivan? The two of them even kissed at the end of the season, or at least Chloe kissed him, yet he seemed completely oblivious to it all as if he would rather have fucking Pete back in his life or some crap like that. All season long, Chloe had essentially thrown herself to being Clark's sex slave, enough to the point where she has kept his alien origin even secret from the goddam Daily Planet that she works for. She has been the steadfast sidekick the whole way through, and I'm sure she'd much rather love to bend over as Clark's own personal donkey's ass in bed as well. Yet Clark continues to completely ignore her pleas to just stick his fucking super cock into her vagina. How the fuck can he be so goddam dumb?...

The only real bright spot in the season was the introduction of Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or Milton Fine if you'd prefer to call him that. For once, the series had a true supervillain, somebody that actually can beat down Clark with basically just a stare, and can truly threaten the world as you would expect from a goddam show of superheroes and villains. I've always loved James Marsters as an actor, and with dozens of duplicates of that Brainiac construct running around, how the fuck can't I love his multi-tier performances even more? He was nowhere as amazing as he once was back in Buffy and Angel, thanks to completely subpar writing and directing, but it's nice to know that the WB was still damn smart enough to bring back the best actor from their goddam Glory days...

Besides the supervillain ironically being the shining beacon of light and hope in the Smallville universe, is there really anything to give two shits about? Jonathan Kent passed away with barely even a whimper at the goddam funeral. Hell, didn't Lana Lang even fucking make moon eyes at Lex boy in the background as she was consoling Clark Kent in fucking whorish prostitute pretense? I guess she really did expect to get some fucking "dad just died" make-up sex right afterwards, otherwise she wouldn't have broken up with the heart-broken man just a few episodes later. And if only the writers could've just made up their minds, and didn't have the two of them end their relationship over and over and goddam over again for the next six bloody hell months in a row, then maybe I would still have my eye-lids from not having to bloody hell roll them so goddam much...

Alas, this small Smallville Year in Review was the last of the season overviews that I had to write this year, but can you really blame me for being this damn lazy and this damn disinterested?...

Some fans have considered season five to the best of the Smallville series to date...

And even though there was only one fucking decent episode in the entire goddam season (and that would be Solitude)? You know what's even more sad with the fans?...

Notable Episodes: Splinter, Reckoning, Fragile, Oracle, Vessel
Best Episode of the Season: Solitude

Because ah yes, we have finally reached the arrival, the very moment that you two noname readers out there have been waiting so damn long for!...

... the long awaited return, of the one and only, IvanFian small Smallville weeks in review!...

"Clark gives his oh shit looks, Lex doesn't get a fucking clue, Lana is a fucking bitch, and Chloe is barely used again at all... and James Marsters is fucking topless already?... Fucking WB... Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to a fresh new season of Smallville!"...

Now, I was hoping that Commencement would pretty much commence a whole new era of Smallville. You know, the kind of season that didn't completely goddam suck, or whatever sort of crap...

WTF? The Kryptonian followers of Zod were completely laughable to me. Not only did the black dude get his ass kicked by Superman this episode, but didn't he get his ass kicked by Buffy the Vampire Slayer as well?... I can't honestly believe how damn dumb these Kryptonians turned out to be. I mean seriously, they just turn their backs on Clark before he conveniently gets the strength to push them both into the fucking vortex?... How is it that Superman finally found people out there that are even fucking dumber than he is? Couldn't they just fucking have stared at the fucking portal for ten more fucking seconds? Would it really be that hard? WTF?...

... they weren't the only ones on the show who got their asses handed to them by Buffy Summers and soon to be Smallville as well...

Now, I love James Marsters. Or at least, the James Marsters that I've come to know from Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Even from Angel, I loved every single thing about his vampire with the soul of a poet sort of thing... except for the fact that Joss Whedon fucking stripped him down to his underwear pretty much every single fucking episode of the season...

... so oh, guess what the fuck was the only thing he got to do in his brief WB cameo here?...

... besides turn out to be a purely shit-looking version of the T-1000, I mean... and I definitely do mean "shit"...

Commencement was a decent season finale last season, because it set us up with the whole Zod villain thing, and the Fortress of Solitude from the second movie. But really, how the fuck did the writers manage to even fuck that up in Arrival?... The Fortress took up about five fucking minutes of the show, and that was it. All Clark did was fucking stand there as bolts of energy surged through him, as if we were actually supposed to care about his "education"... And then he just loses his powers at the end of the episode? WTF?...

I assume that Jor'el (or Zod, or whoever that voice may be) has a plan that doesn't include really Clark having no powers in the end, nor his two morons from the ship getting fucking stuck in a fucking window pane for the rest of goddam eternity... But seriously, what fucking plan would that be? I like being kept in the mystery about things, but at least give us fucking cool effects and storylines in the meantime to keep us goddam occupied... At least last season had the introduction of Lois Lane and the Kryptonian Crystals. WTF did Arrival really bring?...

Ah yes, more whiny Clark. Though he wasn't as whiny as I had feared he would be... So he got together with Lana, as if that will actually fucking last. He lost his powers and thankfully didn't really complain much about it, although I know there's going to be a hell of a lot of college angst about this shit to come... I didn't care for anything he did in those scenes at all, nor his "oh shit, I'm lying through my teeth again" rehashed moments with Lex Luthor. And the Fortress of Solitude crap was just such a cocktease of a letdown, that how the hell can I ever really look forward to the new season of Smallville?...

The two pluses of the show have always been Chloe and her cousin, Lois Lane. Now, both characters were criminally underutilized in Arrival, but at least both gals got to bring some brightness back to the fold...

True, Lois was far too heroic and far too serious for my tastes for the vast majority of the episode. I hated how actually mature she was in helping the Kents out after the meteor hit. And she barely even got to kick or scream or throw a orgasmic fit when she was necked three feet high... But at least she got a bit of comedy in at the end of the episode, when it came to Clark and the flowers. Lois Lane and her quips were pretty much the only thing keeping this show alive last season, as far as I was concerned... hope Erica can do the same this year...

Chloe though, is much more hit and miss. That I'd love to hit it, that's for sure... Her appearance at the Fortress of Solitude was pointless, as just watching a cute blonde freeze in the fucking North Pole ain't exactly the hottest ticket on television these days... However, seeing how absolutely adorable she was in hospital clothes was definitely worth it in the end. And not only that, but she and Clark there provided the only decent scene worth watching in the entire episode...

I did like the contrast between the two characters there, as Clark kept giving his "oh shit, now I've shit myself" looks towards the Yukon window, and Chloe just kept smiling and beaming, knowing she's going to be the first on the planet to officially fuck an alien... I mean seriously, how the fuck could Clark not fuck her then and there? She was absolutely no sweet and adorable... and probably wearing no fucking underwear under that gown as well, goddammit...

Unfortunately for Smallville, the two cousin gals have never really been enough to even remotely make the show palpable to watch. Lana Lang is probably the biggest reason for that, as I couldn't even fucking stand the few scenes she did have in Arrival...

I understand that she didn't trust Lex, which is why she pushed him away before collapsing and napping like the slut she is. But really, her acting there was just so similar to her normal bitchiness, that it just brought back all the worst memories of past seasons for me... I kind of liked her plan of leading the Kryptonian morons right to the kryptonite room. Of course, that led completely nowhere but yet another fucking Clark and Lana scene, where they confessed their love for the umpteenth time to the gagging sound of a thousand fucking virgins like me...

Well, maybe I would've been able to care about something in Arrival, if only it didn't signal the arrival of yet another pointless story arc for John Glover... He's by far and away the most acclaimed actor the show has. So why the fuck do the writers keep fucking him over, replacing him with fucking topless scenes of fucking James Marsters instead (the WB sure loves doing that, I'm sure...)?... Here, we had Lionel just carving a damn Superman symbol into the floor like a mental patient. Hell, knowing the show, he will become a mental patient soon enough. Until he forgets all his fucking memories, that is... and resets back to the actor and the character that we actually give a damn about...

Now, I'm hoping that Lex turns out to be a decent villain this season. And now that Clark is human, maybe Lex actually will do some real probing over Clark's behaviours (until of course, Clark gets his powers back, and Lex conveniently enough stops DNA testing or whatever...)...

All I do know for now though, is that Lex was a complete moron in Arrival. Sure, he somehow managed to steal away the Kryptonian ship... But unless the show deviates from the story of the comics and movies, we all know that Lex will not figure out Clark's secret for decades. And that means in Arrival, he wasn't bright enough to fucking put two and two together, and realize that Clark being in the center of the fucking bright light in the fucking cave, may have fucking something to do with the fucking alien ship in his hangar bay...

Ah, yes... Lex is still a moron. Clark still lies through his teeth. Chloe still has nothing to do. Lana still lies flat on her back with her face all fucking scrunched up... and now, we get fucking Marsters and Clark poster shots of fucking asshole nakedness, rather than Erica Durance or anyone else on the cast who actually matters...

"God, life feels so damn short at times, as yet another shitty ass week of Smallville passes me by...

I was hoping that the fifth season of the show, or whatever they're at, would finally raise the show into the same kind of epic legacy shit that the actual mythos of Superman deserves to be associated with... I may not be the biggest Superman whore in the world (hell, I haven't even seen the movies, which is why I missed all the references to them in the season premiere), but at least I know what I hate...

"Mortal? WTF?... God, even the Mortal Kombat movie was better than this shit. At least in that shitty ass movie, we got some goddam decent action and goddam more nudity from bitches than we ever got from goddam Lana fucking Lang"...

So... judging from all the sultry, teen angst music and the sight of the stars outside, I take it that Smallville finally lost its virginity as Clark and Lana finally got it on?...

And we still didn't get to fucking see Kreuk's fucking naked ass? WHAT THE FUCK?!?... what a fucking waste of time...

I admit that Lana wasn't that terrible in Mortal. Instead of being whiny in her usual bitchy sort of way, she was whiny in a all-fours-on-the-ground sort of horny way. Which most guys I'm sure would approve of... She looked desperate for sex all the time, and I just can't complain about that... What I can complain about though, is that she was her usual useless self for the rest of the episode. She was basically just the latch on Clark's arm, trying to look all concerned for her man gone to war, as she sat at home with the fucking in-laws...

And it just amazes me, that even after all these fucking years? She's still shocked and left in disbelief whenever she even gets a fucking hint that maybe Clark ain't exactly mortal? WTF?...

... oh wait... she was missing in action, and replaced by just a flash-bang grenade and a goddam vibrator in Chloe's trunk...

I would like to say that in Lois' absence, Chloe was the saving grace of the show. And I gotta admit, she did look mighty fine with her silky hair and that adorable face of hers... Of course, if looks were everything on the show, I'd actually like fucking Smallville and even fucking shows like Charmed, now wouldn't I? The thing is, I just happened to completely hate all the goddam technobabble that Chloe was spouting this week on the show... "Turn off the power?" WTF? How the fuck is turning off the power to a fucking power grid any easier than just hacking a fucking camera system? How to fuck did she just happen to bypass all the circuit breaker security shit that a billion dollar facility like that would have? WTF?...

I like how she supported Clark through the whole episode though. She's sort of still in the early Pete phase (before he got phased out, I mean), in the sense that she's still excited and not petrified of knowing Clark's secret... I also gotta admit, that at least I enjoyed her reaction to the mere mention of Pete. I was wondering when the black man in exile would finally get a holla, and finally get his props for actually knowing Clark's secret on the goddam show... Still, a couple of decent scenes does not a great character make. As cute as Chloe may be, if she ain't in hospital clothes like she was in the season premiere, then no fucking sale for me...

The Kents were useless. Hell, I almost wanted mamma Kent there to fucking bite the electrical grave... The sheriff scenes were god-annoying as well. We all knew she could tell the Kent house was under siege right from the moment she stepped through the door, so why the fuck did the writers drag it out with that horrible coffee scene? Because without Clark's powers, they had absolutely nothing to right home about, besides the shit back at home?...

Mortal was meant to be a character piece for Clark, and in many ways it didn't turn out that damn bad. It did probably bring to light his vulnerabilities in the best way since he got shot by a Kryptonite bullet. And it was kind of weird actually, to see him completely immune to the effects of those glowing green rocks (WTF? He's now completely human? Why can't he just turn himself back human whenever Kryptonite is around then?...)...

Some scenes felt forced in the way they painted Clark as a mere mortal, like the fucking token hammer scene really. Then again, I was just as shocked as Clark (no pun intended) when it came to the laser security system. And even though it was idiotic that he didn't think of it sooner, his fight against the three freaks of the week wasn't that damn dumb in the end (I personally loved his HHH impersonation with the goddam sledge hammer)...

Of course, as expected, I fucking hated every single one of his goddam scenes with Lana. I mean, as a fucking 23-year old virgin here, I tried to relate to the two of them admitting their goddam sexual inexperience to each other. But then I remembered that the real fucking actor and actress have probably fucked all of Vancouver to the high heavens by now, and I then just fucking rolled my eyes... Even if Lana wasn't completely whiny and bitchy, I just feel no spark or chemistry between the two whatsoever. Maybe that's supposed to happen, considering Clark is destined for goddam Lois Lane, but still... Do the writers really intend to gouge out eye balls out with every fucking so-called romantic scene of theirs? It's like they're writing goddam Mortal Kombat 3... or fuck, even a new Street Fighter movie...

God, I'd pay money for a fucking new Street Fighter movie... but that's a story for another day...

There was exactly one great scene in Mortal. I mean, sure we all knew it was coming (hell, wasn't I whining just last week that Lex would conveniently test Clark while he's only human?), but I still really enjoyed the break-up of their supposed friendship... I just expected another whine and cheese session, of Clark yelling at Lex for backstabbing him, then giving more "oh shit" looks before walking out the door. Instead, we got a heated fist fight, and Lex even got to fight back... I don't know if the scene itself was written well. But Michael Rosembaum sold the look of utter disbelief on his face so damn convincingly, like he almost always does, that it really saved Mortal from seeming like a complete waste of time... at first, at least...

... then I remembered that Lionel Luthor was fucking wasting away in Belle Reeve, without a single fucking line...

... then I remembered the three fucking freaks of the week, pointless as always, two of them being Prior-rejects from Stargate SG-1...

... and then I fucking remembered that fucking Lana, the fucking slut, didn't even fucking strip to her fucking underwear...

And considering the NHL Hockey season is finally back, and that I am Canadian?...

... then yeah, I fucking realized that I was fucking wasting my fucking time with Mortal rather than Montreal...

"Hmm... my first small Smallville week in review to be delayed by a goddam day...

"Hidden? What the fuck kind of name is that? Fuck, you almost wish this episode could've stayed hidden... Yes, it was still probably the best episode of Smallville this season so far. But it was sure as hell anything but a fucking hidden gem"...

Now, I do admit that Hidden did start off rather decently. I may not be the biggest fan of Lana Lang around these parts, but damn did her parts ever look good in bed in the morning without her fucking pants... until she fucking opened her mouth, at least...

Script wise, I was at least hoping that she'd bitch about two virgins having the fucking worst sex of their life... that would've been funny at least...

Instead, what the fuck did we get from her all episode long? The actress trying to look like she was fucking tearing up beyond belief at her boy toy going down under?... And WTF was up with that meeting she had with Lex? I know she's dumb, but never that damn dumb. How the fuck could she just trust that Clark is "normal", when the guy fucking rose from the grave?... I know that the secrets between Clark and her will eventually break them up. That much is already clear... But really, it's her own damn fault for being so damn clueless. How the fuck can she just go, "duh, Clark is normal", every single freakin' episode of the week?...

There was no frakkin' freak of the week in Hidden, but we did get the usual "MWAHAHA" kind of fellow. And this cyberhacker dude, did he ever appear in the series before? Why does he have such an affinity for Chloe then?... To be honest, he wasn't so bad. The actor delivered his lines pretty decently, of having to kill his newly meteor-freaked father and all that shit... The problem was, the whole script the guy was given was just so damn melodramatic at the end, that I almost expected the fucking 24 timer to fucking get ripped again from Commencement for this episode or something...

Chloe wasn't bad. She always has the kind of bubbly spark to her that makes Smallville not that intolerable in the end. And her little moment of pouting, that Clark just got to fuck Lana (instead of Lana fucking her, I'm sure), was definitely one of Hidden's few saving graces...

But really, if any episode was her worst of the season so far, it was Hidden... She was pretty much just hidden away in the missile silo for half the episode (by the way, it makes no sense why the military would not send soldiers to ALL nuclear silos at once in the county for shit like this...). And in the silo, all she did was looked freaked out and murdered one of her friends, without caring about it at all in the end... When it came to Clark too, she was at her most annoying of the season. All she did was gripe and whine and moan and complain (do I love moaning...), that Clark didn't have his powers anymore. With all her taunts and mockeries, it was like she was saying he was nothing without being super...

Now, I suppose that for just a couple of episodes, it was nice to get a mortal Clark. It's just that, he was so fucking useless in this episode, that I pretty much even forgot that the son of a bitch was dying... So what did he do as a mortal? He had the shortest chat in history with his parents about sex, and then fucking got himself shot without putting up a fight? What kind of loser shit is that?... Then he died. Not much acting there, I'm afraid (though Lana fucking ruined the scene anyhew). And then he got resurrected... His confusion in the Fortress of Solitude wasn't bad, and I'll get to that later. But along with getting back his goddam powers, it appears that he fucking got back his patented "oh shit" looks again...

His whole conversation with Chloe at the end about hiding "secrets" didn't just make Superman look like a wuss. It made him look like a goddam ass.

... though if I had to lie through my teeth to fuck a hot bitch like Lana, then maybe I'd be a goddam ass too...

And you know something is wrong with an episode, when even Lex was goddam useless when it was all said and done. I don't even remember anything he did aside from his confrontation with Lana. And that alone was perhaps the worst damn moment of the entire damn episode... Lana was just such a moron there that my ears were honestly starting to bleed. Meanwhile, Lex was the ever skeptic, but just didn't have the force or resonance in his voice to really sound like he gave a damn... Where's his real rivalry to get into Lana's pants? There were three things making him turn evil over the past four years: his father, Clark's secret, and his lust for Lana Lang. Yet the latter has been just so completely devoid and missing in action this season, that it just makes Lex look so one dimensional in the end...

... but as for the former?... well, let's hope we get that father-son sort of shit back this season, sooner than later...

Because yeah, I did state earlier that Hidden was the best episode of Smallville so far. But really, it was only because of a couple of decent scenes...

I should've seen this whole Lionel Luthor thing coming. He was taken over by a stone that just so happened to be connected with Jor'el. And while obviously seeing Lionel at superspeeds looks cheesy as hell, having this whole extra Oedipal thing with both Clark and Lex at the same time is kinda damn funny... It definitely allows the actor to show more range, being both an amoral bastard on one end, and an alien bastard on the other. And John Glover handled it pretty damn well in the Fortress of Solitude, even giving a bit of a Jor'rel accent to his voice... Lex's moments were completely ruined by Lana throughout the episode. But the return of the Lionel we all loved and loathed at least saved some of the dignity of the goddam show...

And I now see that Smallville will play the "death" card when it comes to Clark's resurrection. Though I just don't get how he can be raised back to life before somebody else has to goddam die first... Obviously, I was so fucking hoping right when Jor'el mentioned it, that Lana Lang would be the one to fucking bite the dust. That alone will give me the hope and the fortitude to endure the whole fucking fifth season of the show...

But in the end? Since Lana survives in the comics, I really doubt it'll be her. It definitely can't be Lois, and it probably won't be Chloe either, since she was just introduced in the comic books as an old friend from the goddam 40's... That only leaves a select few people. And while the irony of Jor'el killing himself in Lionel's body would be kind of funny in the end, chances are that one of the Kent parents will be the one to croak. Afterall, Clark in the comics was spurred into becoming Superman from his father's last words... Or if the show really doesn't want to off anyone important, watch Pete just come back for one episode before getting smacked in the face by a fucking nuclear missile...

And yes, we got Clark versus a nuclear missile. Classic Superman right then and there...

Sure, it's been done time and time again. And yes, it was disappointing to not even see Clark crash back down to earth upon reentry as one huge ol' goddam brick...

But damn, as much as I can't stand Smallville? I also can't help but fall in love with the real Superman moments on the goddam show...

... as there's absolutely nothing to love about my colour commentary for the goddam Smallville episode of the week...

Because you know, the episode with The Flash last year ("Run", or whatever the hell it was called), wasn't just the best episode of Smallville I've seen to this day... but it was also had some of the top comic book moments of the past goddam few years, right up there with Batman Begins when push comes to shove...

"Aquaman? Fuck that. Talk about your generically, genetically jakked actors who can't goddam act... Sure, he looked the part of a swimmer. But really, when it came to everything else? Was I the only one who thought he was just a tad bit 'aquakward' ?"...

Ha, ha. Go puns go... as they were definitely the in-thing when it came to Aqua...

I mean, when an episode tries so goddam hard to be intelligent (though definitely not Brainiac smart), that it even comes up with shit like "Junior Lifeguard Association" just to mention "JLA" on screen, or "JBL" or whatever sort of crap?

Because I'm sorry, but Aquaman both as an actor and as a comic book character completely goddam sucks. He's just not cool, in the sense that he's a fucking marine biologist with a nasty terrorist habit on the side... I've suffered through so many goddam bloody activists in my day, that I even laughed in agreement when Lex made his joke about Clark becoming a fucking environmentalist on just his first day of university (yes, it sadly happens more often than you think). So obviously, I wouldn't give a damn about goddam Aquaman and his plight...

... and I sure didn't give a damn about his goddam romance with Lois Lane either...

Erica Durance made her return to Smallville, and thank the lords of Kobol that she did. Because hot damn, was she ever looking Milton fine not just in her bikini, but in all the tight ass T-shirts she was wearing... Where was all that lovely cleavage of hers last season? If only she had been around more often, or been shown off like she was in goddam House of the Dead, maybe the series wouldn't be goddam belly-flopping down under in my goddam mind...

I admit that I did like her attempts to fend off that generically handsome brute. It definitely wasn't a typical romance at the start, and I appreciated that - even if it was completely predictable that she would push him away at first, only to drool over him a second later...

And when it came to Clark being the third wheel? I thought it was handled pretty decently near the end, when it came to jealousy and all that shit... Tom Welling really has chemistry when it comes to Erica Durance, I'll give him that. And those two alone can make pretty much almost every ending sequence in an episode to be somewhat tolerable, if not memorable. No matter how cheesy their dialogue may get...

Now, I'm sure the actor is a damn fine swimmer in real life, and that helped in some scenes...

I will give him one thing though. His fight with Clark in the lake was pretty damn cool... Sure, I don't get how Superman technically lost that bout. I mean, instead of just staring for hours upon hours as Aquaman endlessly charged up his shot, why the hell didn't Clark just superspeed AC's ass? God, that farm boy is dumb...

I guess Tom Welling wasn't that damn bad in Aqua though. I mean, I always do like the inferiority complex he gets, whenever another superhero arrives on the scene (no matter how suckass they may turn out to be). And he always has such great chemistry with both Lois Lane and Chloe, especially when he just acts so goddam neutral and neutered at the sight of fucking Erica Durance boobies... But God, his fucking "oh shit" stares were back. Every single moment with Lana was just that same old, "oh shit", deer-in-the-headlights, fucktard shit in the eyes...

And when it comes to definitive comic book moments? His one-on-one challenge with Aquaman was definitely the only true highlight of the episode... and perhaps one of the few random peaks of this mediocre season this far...

Of course, if you're talking about peaks, I can rant on about Erica Durance all night long. But let's get to the other bitches first, now shall we?...

Chloe was pretty much missing in action in Aqua. I mean, besides her reaction to hearing about The Flash from last season (and yet she never put one and one together), what did she really do?... Hell, since becoming Clark's new sidekick, she's become a hell of a lot like Pete before he was kicked off the show. In both dialogue and goddam screen-time, that is (although we at least get some cleavage from her, which is more than I can ever say for goddam Pete... though, umm, nevermind...)...

As for Lana? Thank God we got barely anything dealing with that bitch. Afterall, she's the fucking anchor that's weighing the series down...

Hell, just from the bitchy-ass looks she gave Clark as he was dressing down AC (as if the whore wouldn't have done it herself), I was already screaming at the fucking TV. And why was that? Hell, after just two minutes of fucking footage we got from her, she was already that goddam nails-on-the-chalkboard-like to me? WTF?... I mean, watching Kristen Kreuk is like watching a fucking ex-girlfriend. Sure, it's pretty on the eyes. But if you're not getting the goddam break-up sex, then who the fuck cares?...

... I really can't take her fucking teases anymore... hell, even the fucking vampire preview for next week fucked the hell out of me...

I kind of find it funny though, that Smallville would finally do an homage to Buffy the Vampire Slut next week, the year that they get James Marsters to actually try to teach the dunces on the show how to goddam act...

Now, Professor Milton Fine's script dialogue was just plain atrocious. I mean, how the fuck did he go from using 10% of your brain (which is no longer considered true, by the way), to pointing Lex Luthor out as the devil in just five fucking minutes of a fucking lecture?... (I guess I should also note here, that apparently the Stargate planet of Tollana has been found in Kansas, right next to the missile silos of course. Guess fucking Dr. Weir's boyfriend is there too, slutting it up with Lana just like everyone else, but I digress...)...

But James Marsters, even without that patented British accent of his, managed to make the most out of his character. Even with lines that sounded completely innocent on paper, when it came to researching Lex and his weapons or whatever, Marsters still veiled a sense of true menace around his character... He just always has that kind of suave, ominous presence in the way he conducts himself. I mean, you could tell that Fine obviously knew far more than he should've about Clark and Lex. We all felt that something was amiss, the way he was quoting famous philosophers as if he was trying to prove he was human or whatever. And yet he was convincing as just a regular professor as well, knowing how mysterious real professors act at times and stuff...

He wasn't the Spike that I've idolized for years, that's for sure (well, not until next week at least). But Brainiac definitely felt like a real villain, something that the show simply hasn't had since Lionel Luthor became a complete, mind-fucked pussy... And as disappointing as Aquaman was? At least Brainiac truly gave this episode and the season, the kind of definitive comic book sense that something epic is set to happen...

He wasn't bad, per say. Michael Rosembaum never is, as he still is absolutely the best actor out there who's ever portrayed Lex Luthor (in my opinion, at least). I just feel that the writers have left his character swimming circles in the water without a fucking direction, that's all...

I mean yes, he was cruel to Aquaman this episode. But really, considering how much I hate activists? I'd probably do the same damn thing with the fucking torture thing... And yes, it's not like he was still friends with Clark or anything. He lied to his face, snickered some more behind closed doors, and tried to sell a bloody hell weapon to the Bush administration that would've fucking raised gas prices in the end. Now that would've been something truly horrid...

It's just that, does Lex really always have to be this damn dumb? He just conveniently leaves Aquaman all alone, in a fucking room where there's tons of water? He doesn't leave any guards, he doesn't set up any cameras, and he fucking doesn't even bother to keep tabs on Clark in Smallville? WTF?... And even after Aquaman fucks over his whole business, he doesn't go after the guy when AC fucking returns to the same fucking place he was captured in the first place? WTF?...

It's as if this whole fucking episode was written, just so that James Marsters could say that goddam line in the goddam trailers...

"Buffy Sanders? Slaying Buffy the fucking vampire Sanders? WTF?... WTF is WB trying to do? Tarnish the goddam Buffy the Vampire Slayer legacy?... Hasn't Joss Whedon and the last seasons of the show done it enough already? WTF?"...

God, I'd much prefer an episode about Colonel Sanders, than Buffy the fucking vampire Sanders...

It's not like Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a series ever did muster any real decent Halloween episodes (save for the second season one with Spike and the enchanted costumes), so why the hell would I ever expect Smallville to do one better? Especially after the shit they pulled last year with the fucking three witches...

Chloe was fucking hot in her tank top in bed... that's all I can say nice about her, though...

And Brainiac? Once again, even without the patented British accent, James Marsters shines through... Now, sure his whole T-1000 act was lame as hell, considering he just seemed to leave the guard's body there for anyone to goddam find. And perhaps he was just a bit too smug when it came to his intelligence, showing off his inside knowledge of Luthorcorp way too much to Lex... But still, Marsters delivered a true performance, where he left so many questions in my head. Why the hell was he baiting Lex anyhew, considering you'd think the last thing that Brainiac would ever want at this point is to draw attention to himself?... Why is he trying to look like the hero, going after the Luthors? To gain Clark's moronic trust (not like that's ever hard), or something else?...

Fitting then, that the only thing decent about a WB "homage" to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, is the fucking BTVS actor that can't find work outside of the goddam Whedon-verse anymore...

And I'm sorry, but there just isn't really anything good to say about Thirst whatsoever...

I mean, why is it that whenever Kristen Kreuk tries to be bad, it just turns out so damn bad in the end?...

And to be honest? I find it ironic really, that Lana was at her most bitchiness this episode when she was still fucking normal...

She's supposed to be in love with Clark right now, right? So why the fuck would she apply to Met U behind his back, and fucking start packing to leave for the city without even fucking telling him about it?... Why the fuck would she just pick up and leave without giving a damn about the man she's leaving behind? WTF is wrong with her? WTF?...

As a vampire, sadly enough, Lana was actually nicer than she was as a human. She actually showed regret about making Clark's life a living hell. And fuck, even if it was just a silhouette, I was fucking turned on by that fucking lesbian, vampire-turning kiss of hers... But really, how many times has Lana been fucking lesbian kissed by now? How many times have alien spores taken over her body as if she was Kathryn fucking Janeway and made her evil, only for her to fucking forget the whole ordeal by the end of the episode?... God, the writers are breaking my back and fucking snapping my neck with shit like Lana's so-called immortality...

... and if I thought that wasn't bad enough? I finally got to fucking slap myself in the forehead so damn hard for the first time this season, when the fucking bitch spoke about "feeling (Clark's) heart" when she fucking bit his ass...

My head hurts from the pounding it took... I'm not being metaphorical here - I really fucking slapped myself in the head that fucking hard from this shit...

Lois was nowhere to be found (thank God she avoided this episodic atrocity), but Chloe and her uber sexiness did try to make up for the lack of parking Lane's. The only problem was, I thought her article writing fucking sucked ass... Her moments at the Daily Planet were just pure, uber shit. Carrie Fisher not only looked pudgy and old, but she couldn't act worth a damn without a blaster in her hand either. And Chloe Sullivan was stuck in the mess, of trying to suck up to a hard ass bitch who really was nothing more than one dimensional fill-in for Perry White...

And when it came to any of Chloe's crap outside of the Daily Planet? What the fuck did she do?... First, she loses out on her wall of wings to frakkin' Kat from BSG. And then she gets her fucking neck sucked on by Lana, leaving her flat on her back for the rest of the fucking episode?... Sure, if Lois had been on top of Chloe there on the bed, maybe I'd be singing a different tune about Thirst. Afterall, scenic shots like that sure do make me salivate for a good ol 'slurp... But nothing like that did happen. Instead, probably the only real decent Chloe moment, was when Clark just superspeeded right up her dorm room ass...

And WTF? Clark stole The Flash's gimmick? Since when could Clark run that damn fast?...

... I would also like to say, "since when has Clark ever been that damn dumb"?... but sadly, this is Smallville...

So let me get this straight... First, his girlfriend just picks up and leaves for another city without telling him, and he's cool with that. Then, she fucking begs him for fucking morning sex, and he's too fucking wussy to go for it? WTF?... At least we got some humour from him at the Halloween party, when it came the comments about the Zorro cape and mask. Of course, the writers then fuck up any chemistry he had going in that scene, by making him just stand there and stare as Lana was fucking over Chloe with her fucking fake teeth... From that point on, Thirst just becomes Smallville season two redux. Suddenly, Clark is perfectly friendly with Lex all over again, a magic cure for the vampire disease just happens to be found in Luthor's desk (WTF?), and Clark gets his ass kicked by Lana Lang yet again...

And yet he still sticks by her side in the end? God, he's such a glutton for punishment...

Do I even want to elaborate on anything else in the episode? Afterall, it says something when Lionel and the Kent parents were the best parts of the episode, as they were fucking missing in action for the umpteenth time this season already...

Now, yes Lex did have some decent moments with Brainiac, which I'm hoping will lead somewhere decent in the future of the series. Yes, the trio of bikini-clad, bad girls in the starting teaser did give me some new Hope for at least a bit more cleavage in the hour. And yes, Chloe did look fucking hot as she was typing away on her bed...

If only the episode had been an hour long scene of Lana turning Chloe with her lower tongue? Then maybe the episode wouldn't have turned out so fucking bad...

Pass the popcorn chicken already. Because God, I'm dying from thirst for a decent Superman showing here...

"An episode without Lana Lang still manages to suck shitastic ass? WTF?... Fuck. If anything, Smallville has just exposed itself as the absolute worst television series known to man..."...

At least with Lana Lang, you know where the series stands... and that's in teen angst shit, that is...

I really don't get it. I really don't get how an episode with Erica Durance in a fucking All-American bikini, could somehow degenerate into just some bad ripoff of Striptease and Dukes of Hazzard combined (although Jessica Simpson had already merged the two genres, I suppose...)...

Personally, I didn't give one damn about Jonathan Kent and his goddam 25 year old friendship with Senator Jack. Hell, was I the only one who found it hypocritical of Jonathan, to be berating the Senator about breaking marriage vows when fucking Ma Kent was nowhere to be found in the episode at all? WTF?...

Now, I suppose I can try to appreciate the fact that Smallville tried to be intelligent, when it came to the whole line about envying our heroes. And I've always had a thing for those old muscle cars of Dodge Chargers from the past... But really, if the series wanted to rip off The West Wing and fucking Dukes of Hazzard? Couldn't they have just stolen their shit from at least a better show, say... Uncle Jack Bauer?...

... wait... they already ripped that series off in last year's season finale... fuck... so, nevermind...

Well, at least Lana Lang was in her best form of the season. I really thought she improved this episode. I really did... (sadly, I'm actually being serious here for the first fucking time ever...)...

Chloe was basically just a prop in the background though. I mean, sure I suppose her journalistic skills saved the day. But is it just me, or does it just get really annoying how she can just magically find everything on the fucking net in ten seconds flat?... The only thing that saved her character last season was the fact that a) she knew about Clark's secret, yet he was too dumbass to ever once notice, and b) she was fucking hot as hell sitting on his lap, wearing nothing but his fucking football jersey... But did she fulfill any of our damn fantasies again here? Hell no. Instead, she was relegated to the bottom of page fucking 73 in The Daily Planet, when she should be relegated to the bottom of page fucking 69 in my fucking noname updates...

And WTF was wrong with Clark? Once again, he has a fantastically hot babe in his fucking lap, and yet all he can do is wince away and fucking avoid the boobies? C'mon dammit, be a man! Who would ever look up to a hero as goddam clueless as he is?... I don't know, but something just didn't feel right about him this episode. Not only was he incredible naive when it came to his Uncle Jack (then again, I guess I can't blame him for nostalgia...), but once again he seemed to act more friendly with goddam Lex Luthor than they ever did as friends... WTF?...

Now, I did like Michael Rosembaum's acting. He always manages to turn shit ass script writing, like that turd when it came to King David and Goliath, into something that's actually palatable on screen. And to be honest, I kind of liked his storyline here too, of running for Senator and somehow already getting his biggest competitor out of the race (while doing nothing wrong at the same time)... It's just that, it makes no goddam sense when it comes to what's going on between him and Clark. Not only does he earn Clark's trust by lending him his membership card, but then they once again have their "oh shit, I love you" awkward stares at the end of the episode, just like they did when they were best friends? WTF?...

If there was any saving grace to Exposed, it was the fact that Lois Lane finally got some much needed exposure. Both in terms of acting and in terms of nudity, of course (not like the actress had any problem with that, if House of the Dead was any indication...)...

Her pole dance was just so goddam bad and her gyrations were such a goddam turn-off, that I couldn't help but find her whole goddam stripper scene to be laugh out loud hilarious. I don't know if it was ever intended to be that damn awkward (and I'm including the dance parts where she supposedly was comfortable...), but it was still great entertainment nonetheless... And once again, she saves the day at the end of the episode with her sassy wit and whip and charm. Apologizing to Clark with a soft spoken moment, then threatening him with gossip the next, was thankfully the best damn ending that we've had in Smallville in a very long time (although the complete lack of Lana Lang probably had a hand in that as well)...

And if there was anything else decent about Exposed? It was that finally, the actual Superman parts of the goddam series got a chance to shine... Now, it may not have been Clark versus a nuclear missile again. But I was still very impressed with how calmly and cooly he took that MWAHAHA random villain helicopter down...

The European motherfucker was just a complete waste of time. But at least his scenes were somewhat salvaged, by the fact that Clark jumped high in the air again and dragged that 'copter down like it was a fucking kite... These are those rare, precious moments that give me reason to fucking tune into Smallville every single week. Afterall, I am a fan of "Superman", if they would finally start getting to that shit in the series at least...

But alas, no matter how they tease it, all the Superman exposure we get instead is goddam fucking teen angst, whining, oh shit looks, fucking ugly nudity (I didn't even think that was possible before), and a fucking Dukes of Hazzard ripoff... There's no true battle between good and evil, Lex just isn't maniacal enough, the random bad guys of the week are nothing more than just bad jokes of filler, and there obviously aren't any heroes in the series that you give a real damn about...

"I must be delirious or something, seeing fucking impossible hallucinations or some shit like that...

Splinter wasn't exactly the greatest story ever told on the small screen. And it definitely had its fair share of flaws... But I suppose even the goddam Smallville writers can pull a decent episode out of their asses once in a while, once the November sweeps start banging on their front doors of course...

"James Marsters can kick Smallville ass? Wasupwidat?... Since when could a character with the name of 'Milton Fine' actually kick Smallville ass? Isn't that an oxymoron? WTF?..."

James Marsters came through for the WB, just like he did so many nights before on Buffy and Angel. But I gotta admit, it wasn't just his acting that passed the exam in Splinter, but also the fact that the writers finally used his character to a somewhat interesting degree... Now, I don't quite like how they're rushing the exposure of Brainiac as the villain of the season (or is he?), as I would've preferred the discovery of his dark side to be developed all the way to February sweeps instead. Still, we definitely got a decent story out of the vampire turned T-1000, as WTF was up with his Kryptonian powers? Since when could a fucking Kryptonian computer actually shoot heat vision from his goddam eyes?...

I don't know how Brainiac managed to emulate Kryptonian powers, but it kinda all worked, considering even I was confused at what he really was until he proved his real worth with the silver kryptonite at the end... Obviously, the Smallville writers aren't geniuses and couldn't come up with a truly brilliant Brainiac plan to unfold throughout the episode, as earning Clark's naive trust has been done time and time again in the series before. But still, affecting him with silver kryptonite and potentially severing all his close connections to the human world, definitely seems to jive with what we know of the series' Jor'el or fucking Zod over in the Fortress of Solitude...

A lot of the Clark Kent scenes in the episode were a complete waste of time as usual, such as seeing a crib with the fucking spaceship in the background or whatever (unless that will have deeper meaning later on in the season). But actually for the most part, strangely enough, I actually did enjoy Tom Welling's performance in Splinter... I don't know why, but did anyone else get a huge "I Know What You Did Last Summer" vibe when he got that letter that read "I Know How to Kill You"? The thing is, that no matter how bad the acting was in all those old teen horror flicks from the past, the movies were still somehow entertaining. And the same principle seemed to apply here...

Though God (or Zod), how many trucks can the guy destroy though? Is the series suffering from the Voyager syndrome or something? An episode is only good if they lose a fucking shuttlecraft and magically get a new one back a day later? WTF?... and, well...

Tom Welling for the most part, really did seem to be losing his mind in the end. And the best part of it all, was that he was finally being the man that I thought Superman always should've been from the fucking start. Sure, maybe threatening his parents wasn't the brightest move for the kid, but everything else was surprisingly spot on... I mean, Lana is a complete and utter bitch, and Lex is supposed to be the villain of the story. Why the hell would you ever trust them? Since when was Lana not a slut, and wouldn't fucking slut it up with Lex for his fucking billion dollar house? I've wanted to smack her fucking silly for God knows how long now (both in bed and in the fucking face), and thank God Clark finally had the guts to do just that in this episode. Suddenly, he's looking like my hero...

And who the hell would ever really trust Chloe, right? She's betrayed Clark for news stories before in the past, and it's not like Pete was absolutely the best at keeping secrets either... Chloe was barely used in the episode, except for saving the Kents with some timely Kryptonite exposure. But for the most part, she was used well enough for the season arc, setting up more of the Lex Luthor and Lionel connection that has been so dearly missed in the past couple of seasons... Hell, I almost didn't even notice Lois wasn't in the episode. Until I did notice the lack of fucking cleavage on fucking Chloe, that is...

Lionel Luthor was finally back after God knows how long of a hiatus. While obviously his character was completely lacking in any of his former strengths, considering he was neither rich nor powerful nor Jor'el this time around, the actor still always shines through as the absolute best in the series... Finally, the series got back to what I always believed was the true reason deep down inside, why Lex would eventually turn against Clark. Sure, Clark's secret has always driven him mad, not to mention the actions of his father... But really, when it comes to real life? What the hell else do men really fight over, then a goddam slut who deserves to get fucking smacked in the face by a fucking fucktard?...

Lex Luthor was once again the nicest guy in the entire damn show, practically. I really don't get why he's still friendly and chumming it up with everyone else, even after Lana and Clark basically told him to get fucking lost in the past year... Either way though, regardless of the direction of his character in the seasonal arc, Michael Rosenbaum was right up there with James Marsters as one of the actors who did make this episode entertaining in the end. While it boggles the mind why he didn't put 2 and 2 together when Clark managed to kick his ass so quickly, I just always seem to enjoy the scenes throughout the series whenever he fucking tries to woo Lana Lang, and she's too goddam slutty to ever seem to turn him down...

Lana Lang is a fucking thorn and a fucking splinter in my side. I fucking literally smacked myself in the fucking forehead, when she was actually dumbass enough to believe Chloe's goddam story about the silver kryptonite (as if Clark has never shown signs of "temporary powers" before)... Hell, just like with the fucking witch and fucking vampire episodes, Lana was more bearable when she was evil in Clark's eyes than whenever she was good. The actress just seemed Shannon lost whenever she tried to show concern for Clark, or whenever she pretended to be weary of Chloe... And really, was it just me, or did the bitch just act more natural when she was fucking feeling up Lex in the mansion? Hell, it was like the "real" parts of the episode were the paranoid delusions, and Lana slutting it up was the only thing I could believe...

Afterall, it's not really paranoia, if everyone out there really is out to get you...

And pretty much every single actor on the show got a moment to shine a little silver tint in Splinter. Hell, even the Kent parents finally got to make a return, with a decent plot to go along with it as well... Sure, Annette O'Toole was pretty much just a tool in the background, but even she got to break the news about red kryptonite to Chloe (guess she'll be looking that stuff up now, just in case she gets fucking horny for Clark again...)... And while I really don't like this Senator angle, at least it gives Jonathan Kent something to do. Hell, to be honest, even knowing what we do know about those two candidates? I'd still rather vote for fucking Lex Luthor over him, considering Lex would at least lower taxes... Lex for president then! But hell, maybe that's just me...

Splinter was definitely not the pinnacle of television this year, and not even the best of Smallville that I've seen (which quite frankly, ain't saying much). But hell, it was by far the best episode of the season so far, as there were just so many little touches to this November sweeps episode, that it fucking made me paranoid that Smallville might actually turn out decent this year... James Marsters was great with the manipulation in the barn in the end, and just as good with the fucking super speed in the fight with Clark. And Chloe even got to give the audience that patented Clark "oh shit" look near the end, when she just happened to jinx herself with that "I'd die first" comment of hers...

Now, don't get me wrong. Despite Splinter being not that bad, Smallville is still shit...

Instead of the episode hurting my head like a goddam train wreck, pretty much like every other week?...

I mean seriously, it's like common fucking sense finally locked them all in solitary confinement, until they were suddenly struck by a goddam light of an epiphany in the forehead, of what was fucking wrong with goddam Smallville in the first place... because, well?...

"Thank God! Another episode without goddam Lana Lang... No wonder Solitude turned out to be one of the sole decent episodes of the season, as Lana fucking Lang was all alone and by fucking herself, without a goddam line on the goddam camera..."

There you have it! The damn recipe for small Smallville success. And why has it taken the writers five goddam years to figure it all out?...

The thing is, no - Solitude was not a great episode by any means. I mean, compared to any other television series out there, it was painfully average at best... Solitude still had its fair share of decent moments though, and a great number of them came from James Marsters and his character of Milton Fine...

C'mon really, who here didn't laugh at Brainiac's little rant of Zod being the hero of the oppressed people? Who here didn't roll their eyes that Clark wasn't even the least bit skeptical of a Kryptonian who pretty much hated all of human existence?... And for the most part, Brainiac wasn't a dumb guy. He hit Martha Kent with a Phenomenon (though he was the one who got smarter, not her...), and fooled the ever naive Clark into trying to free Zod from the Fortress of Solitude. Not only was it all a decent payoff after four long years of Jor'el plotlines going nowhere, but it was also a conclusive throwback to the fabled Superman II movie storyline...

... but of course, that's where Brainiac suddenly went Smallville stupid, just like any other goddam villain on the show...

Of course, instead of killing Clark, he just leaves the Kryptonite on him rather than shove it down his goddam throat? And of course, instead of watching Clark writhe in agony on the goddam table, he turns his back and just stares at the goddam Zod screen for five minutes straight in living colour? WTF?... The fight with Clark was anything but epic in the end, as Brainiac acted once again as just another generic Kryptonian. He didn't use any of his T-1000 powers, and he wasn't even intelligent enough to have a fucking Kryptonite ring on his goddam finger. WTF?...

The thing is, is Brainiac really dead? I somehow doubt those little Kryptonian crystals going through his nanites would destroy him. Perhaps he was just downloaded into the computers there, I don't know... All I do know, is that for now, James Marsters is off the show. WTF?... He has been absolutely the best part of the series for the whole of the fifth season. And unless rumours of him becoming a series regular are true, then it's all going downhill for the goddam series from here on in... if that's even possible from a goddam quality standpoint, that is...

And how the fuck could Clark really be that damn thick in the brain? Brainiac basically spelled out the entire goddam storyline of the past five years, with his whole "Jor'el is evil, Zod is my hero" speech, and then MWAHAHAing later on that General Zod was going to take over the goddam world. And yet at the end of the episode, Clark is still blaming "Jor'el" for everything bad happening in his life? WTF?... How the fuck could he be this damn dumb? I thought Lana Lang was the slow one on the show, but hell, I'm sure that even she would've put one and one fucking together in the end...

I just didn't care for Tom Welling in Solitude, that's all. He tried to show concern for his dying mother, but all that came out instead was the generic teen angst and "oh shit" looks that we've been getting from him even in commercials for The Fog... It's not like we got any real decent action sequences either. The final fight between Clark and Brainiac was just a bunch of Dragonball Z crap, as Brainiac was even too dumb to go after Chloe as a hostage or any shit like that...

Thankfully, Solitude still managed to shine through thanks to the contributions of the rest of the cast...

Martha Kent was definitely no John Travolta, and I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous the whole Kryptonian-cancer-from-a-flash-of-light thing was. I ridiculed how sappy her acting was as she was sick on the sofa. But she still did a decent job with that whole "smelling the rain" shit at the end, no matter how badly it was written... Jonathan Kent was sort of just there. I say he should've kicked Clark's ass for not telling him about the "deal" with Jor'el, although I blame Tom Welling more for dragging those scenes down. Still, every scene Pa Kent had with Ma was a decent one, as at least those two elder actors can act...

John Glover didn't really have a point to being in the episode, as Lionel Luthor as been absolutely useless without his money or the power to be a threatening villain. However, it's strange that he would tip Chloe off about Milton Fine, considering I always assumed Zod was controlling Lionel... Why the hell would Zod ever want to stop himself from being resurrected? Maybe there's a point to Lionel walking around in a generic daze afterall?...

Lex didn't have much to do, as apparently the upcoming "Lexmas" episode will be more his thing (while Lexa Doig is more mine...). Still, while his obsession with Lana from last episode was sadly missing in action, at least his "little green men" syndrome was finally back... Michael Rosenbaum plays the ever quaint politician to near perfection, beguiling everyone with smiles while brooding over his inner dark secrets boiling right beneath the surface. It still sucks though, that after five years of such great acting, we're still stuck with "Lex the friend" rather than a true villain we can actually love to hate...

By the way, Solitude was Lana Lang's best episode ever. I'm serious about this...

I wish I could say the same about Erica Durance, as I would've thought she could've stolen the spotlight with goddam Kreuk finally out of the picture. Alas, Lois Lane was reduced to nothing more than just "oh nice" smiles when it came to the Daily Planet and her goddam Ford Fusion... Seriously, how the fuck did she afford a brand new car while serving coffee and muffins at the goddam Talon? WTF?... And considering she had absolutely no contact with Clark this episode, somehow all chemistry with the rest of the cast was completely lacking for her. Well, except for when she mentioned being "Chloe's" sidekick, as she gave her that sexy "I want you now" look in the Daily Planet, of course...

Chloe wasn't bad. She saved the day with her meteor rock throwing exploits, and even got to spy on Lex's spaceship before it dithered away. Not bad for one night's worth of reporting... She didn't do anything cute or precious in Solitude at all. Though instead, she was simply a solid contributor, doing her research on Milton Fine in what seemed at first to be a realistic way (until she broke into Luthorcorp security by just hiding behind a goddam car, that is...)... Allison Mack is a great actress, and one of the only decent assets the show has had for five years running. If only they could rename her as "Lana" and kick goddam Kreuk to the goddam gutter, both the world and Smallville would be a much better place...

And while we're at the early Christmas wishes, I might as well hope too that with James Marsters gone, more Buffy reject alumni get shovelled through the door...

I mean, if they could get one episode right this season, then why the hell can't they continue the streak from now on?...

... oh wait, I forgot... the writers are as goddam clueless as Clark is... nevermind...

For what it's worth though, Solitude was right up there with Splinter as the best episodes of the season so far... even if Solitude by itself was nothing real special in its own right...

Still, I'm hoping that Solitude won't be the sole exception this season when it comes to quality...

... and the last damn time Smallville ever gets the episode of the week either..."

Well, okay... so maybe that was a bit of a gross exaggeration... and a bit of an early and very undeserved Christmas present to the writers...

... especially considering that watching Lexmas was one of the most painful experiences I've ever endured in my goddam life...

"Santa Claus can kick Smallville ass? WTF?... I say again, WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH?!?"...

Ladies and gentlemen, this was Lex Luthor's version of It's a Wonderful Life... The only problem was, I already own this fucking movie on DVD. It's called the fucking Family Man, for Christ's sakes...

There was absolutely nothing wonderful about this episode whatsoever. The B-plot was pure shit, as Clark looked so damn mentally retarded as he was trying to talk that Santa out of jumping off of the roof... I mean seriously, with the way that ol' fart of a drunk was talking? Either he was delirious out of his mind, actually giving a damn about the spirit of Christmas when really all he should be doing is pimping out the babes of the Salvation Army. Or he actually was the real Santa, testing Clark for the fucking goddam spirit of Christmas...

Either way though? I just wanted the old fucker to jump. God, was he ever annoying...

It was amazing actually, the other day on the phone... My cousin, who never reads spoilers or even TV Guide synopsis' for episodes, asked when the next new Smallville episode was coming. I told him that "Lexmas" would air on December 8th, and of course he immediately put one and one together and realized it would be a Christmas episode... I asked him if he wanted to know what the episode would be about. He simply shrugged in indifference over the phone, and claimed it would probably be some "lame episode where Clark uses his superspeed to be pretend to be Santa Claus"...

I mean hell's bells, they didn't even use Chloe much! Sure, she looked cute as hell when she was trying to convince Clark at the party that perhaps they had met the real Santa Claus that night, but besides that? All she did was sit behind her desk at the Daily Planet, mulling over the fact that she was too damn dumbass to Fed Ex the whole toy shipment on fucking time...

And when it came to the alternate dream reality? Thanks to the Chicago WB fucking me over with some shit about an airplane crash that took up fifteen damn minutes of the show or whatever (I already got enough of that shit when it happened back here in Toronto), I don't know whether Chloe and Clark were married in the dream sequence or whatever... I did see the two of them at the tree shopping spree, and they definitely did have chemistry there...

... speaking of which... where the fuck was Lois Lane?... was she even invited to the Kent party at the end? If not, WTF?...

And oh yes, the Kents sucked dick as always. Nothing new to see here, as they were just sort of there, wasting up valuable space...

Lexmas was all about Lex Luthor in the end, as you could probably have guessed from the episodic title. He gets shot and sees the ghost of Christmas future in the form of his mother... The thing is though, how the fuck could his mother possibly fuck up a fucking dream sequence as much as she did? Who the fuck would ever want to be a nice guy, if in your vision of the future, you find that turning your back on money and power will just lead to more sorrow and pain? How the fuck did Ms. "I was fired from Stargate SG-1 for having no personality" backfire on her own ghostly ass with her own goddam made-up dream? WTF?...

Seriously, even long before Lana Lang finally bit the big one, I was still getting chilling nightmares from the whole Lexmas alternate reality. I mean honestly, was it just me, or did Lex Luthor have absolutely the most freakish, terrifyingly, evil family you've ever encountered in your life?... First of all, there's Lex fucking Luthor, who we all know is going to eventually try to take over the world. And then you have fucking Lana Lang, the queen bitch who thinks every single fucking hour of the show is hers for the prom queen taking...

And WTF? You then have the addition of some fucking noname kid, who's eerily, overglowingly, and creepingly overpositive in every fucking word he says?...

If there was any decent scene in the whole fucking episode? It was the climax at the very end, with Lex Luthor staring out of the cold, lifeless window to the sound of music of the fucking Imperial March...

If anything, the one thing I did like about Lexmas was the twist at the end of the episode, even if it was entirely predictable. Thanks to Lex's mother fucking the dream up somehow, Luthor becomes even more resolved in his New Year's resolution to kick ass and take Jonathan Kent's name...

It also helps that we finally got some decent moments from his father once more. Lionel still sucked dick when it came to the real world, gambling with Lex's life while showing absolutely no signs of either love, spite, regret, or acting ability. But John Glover truly kicked ass as he finally sat his ass back down in the Luthorcorp chair, as Michael Rosembaum also put on an acting clinic when it came to his dying wife in the emergency ward...

Now, Lexmas wasn't completely void of any redeemable qualities. It was nice afterall, that the writers threw us a bone and an early Christmas present, by giving us hope that it will be Lana fucking Lang who gets killed off of the goddam series this fucking year...

But really, listening to Santa bitch, bitch, bitch? And watching Clark retort back with his fucking "oh shit" looks time and time again?...

What kind of fucking name is Fanatic, outside of the fucking WWE world that is? WTF?...

Ah, yes... The stupidity of the title has been explained. All is right in the universe again...

"Lana actually grows a fucking brain... and then Clark gives us the biggest Oh Shit orgasm he's ever had in his fucking life? WTF?"...

There was exactly ONE decent scene in the entirety of this episode, and naturally it would feature only Clark and Chloe. The poor gal may have been relegated to being Clark's sex friend "hag" or whatever, but at least she'll always look hot and actually intelligent in the viewers' eyes... It was only a matter of time until they brought up the whole "super-sperm" concept about Superman. And to be honest, if Clark really wanted to know what would happen in the heat of the moment? Then why didn't Chloe just fucking volunteer for a test experiment?... I'm sure she wouldn't have minded. And neither would the fanatical fans...

Chloe and Clark definitely had chemistry, as probably the only joke in the entire episode which I even snickered at, happened to be her "awkward factor 8" bit. Though it was therefore a bit disappointing then, that in comparison? Lois Lane and Clark have had such little interaction with each other for the whole of the fifth season... I mean, what the fuck did Lois really do this episode? Showed off some cleavage as part of Jonathan Kent's campaign (hell, I'd vote for her then...), and then fucking decided to off her boss with a sniper rifle? WTF?...

It was kinda weird too, that Clark had so much fucking trouble catching up to the sniper round that Samantha Drake had fired. I mean, sure I was pleased that for once he wasn't that much faster than a fucking speeding bullet, considering sniper rounds often do accelerate far quicker than handgun or machine gun ammo ever do... But has Clark put on a bit of weight from fucking Christmas or some shit like that, considering he even had to fucking dive for the fucking bullet in the end? WTF?...

And Clark himself? Well, he was just sort of just there in the background... He had a good scene with Chloe. But really, the only things I do remember from him in the end, are his god-awful oh shit looks that he kept giving back to fucking goddam Lana Lang... as if he was having fucking orgasms in his pants every time he lit them on goddam fire with his lies...

Lana Lang was a bitch. You just know that both the character and the actress are utter bitches in life... I mean, first she moves to Metropolis University before even telling the fucking love of her life about it. But then she starts researching a whole bunch of shit about the meteor showers, while completely ignoring her boyfriend in the process? WTF?...

I mean, I can understand why she'd be bitchy from a lack of fucking sex with Clark or some shit like that, considering I'm still bitchy about my own lack of sex with Chloe. But seriously, the man just came back from the fucking dead, and yet she blames him for all their problems?... Not only does the selfish bitch care nothing about how he felt about the whole ordeal, and not only is the bitch too damn dumb to realize she was now dating a fucking zombie? But apparently, she's also goddam dimwitted enough to have thought that Clark's whole fucking experience would make him even more sensitive and even more goddam horny to her needs than before he even fucking died in the first place? WTF?...

But at the end of the episode, even I'm man enough to admit that the fucking bitch put one and one together, and actually managed to deduce that a fucking spaceship had landed in the first meteor shower that had killed her parents...

And in the meantime, did Clark just come in his pants there or some shit like that?... Seriously, WTF?...

Lex Luthor was kind of a joke this episode. He just looked dumb and slow witted, and even seemed like he was trying to be friends with Clark in the hospital again. I mean, weren't they just enemies the episode before? Whatever...

I mean, I did think there was at least some chemistry between him and the evil Samantha, MWAHAHA bitch at the start of the show, before the actress shaved herself bald for just one paltry Smallville paycheck. And she definitely was hot with her fucking evil-Hilary Duff sort of bitchy look, especially considering I certainly have a thing for all women obsessed. But that's kinda besides the point...

But bah, in the end? Lex Luthor, even after his whole maniacal epiphany around Christmas? He still refused to hurt the Kents in the end, and got himself knocked out by a fanatical bitch in the process... Not only did he wuss himself out of the race in that way, but he got punk'd out by his own father as well. Not only did Lionel Luthor completely steal the show by stealing Griff from Lex and Martha from Jonathan, but the Art of War quotation scene (where even Milton Fine was finally mentioned again) was probably the only bearable scene in the whole episode that didn't have a naked or horny Chloe in it...

Jonathan Kent was pretty decent this episode, although the red pills that went unexplained reminded me more of the fucking rabbit hole from the Matrix than anything remotely resembling the Superman series in the end. His speech about putting the heart back into the Heartland or whatever sort of crap, was cheesy and cliche as hell... Yet I personally couldn't help but start believing, that I'd rather vote for this poor loser or even fucking Lex Luthor, over the three shit candidates that we Canadians are having to deal with in our federal election right now...

And Martha? She was sort of just being a bitch back there. What else could I expect from the woman who played Lana Lang in the fucking movies?... Still, was it me, or did she have more chemistry with Lionel Luthor throughout the episode than she ever had with her husband? I mean, sure I may normally hate soap opera shit. But somehow? Well... The possibilities of Lex lusting and hustling after Lana, Clark and Lois eventually getting it on, and a blind Lionel wanting to get his diapers changed again by Martha frickin' Stewart, all sadly seem to me as more intelligent writing than the rest of the fucking scripts that the Smallville writers have ever done...

I may never be a fan of the show. But hell yes, I'm with every other guy on the face of the planet, in being a goddam Superman fanatic in the end...

And quite frankly? The Smallville writers have made nothing else than fucking goddam, Superman murder porn...

I mean, seriously! Their script-writing is just so damn cliche, just so damn moronic, and just so damn completely off-the-charts illogical?...

That it's probably only a matter of time, until the goddam fanatics in the US vote the writers into the goddam Senate and the fucking powers that be...

And yet still, I'd rather choose these motherfuckers over the goddam mothercanuckers we have here in Canada...

As Lana Lang for both president and prime minister?... Hell yes, I'd vote for her...

"Fucking goddammit, my brain was under fucking lockdown for fifty goddam minutes...

"They shot the Sheriff?... but they did not shoot the deputy... Or did they? Well, ain't that a mother..."

Talk about the most anti-climatic death ever... It wasn't until after the end of the fucking episode did I even notice that Sheriff Adams or McAdams or Reba McNeil or whatever her fucking name may have been, wasn't wearing a goddam bullet-proof vest in the end. Oh how so goddam ever convenient...

Lockdown was a fucking blister on my brain, simply from the fact that we got fifty fucking minutes of Lana fucking Lang on screen. And believe me when I say I fucking slapped myself on the fucking forehead more times than I can even recall, at the fucking god-awful exchange she had going with Clark near the start, about alien ships and 'shippers and being a fucking whore while studying...

What the fuck is wrong with that bitch anyhew? That's how she kisses her cousins? If so, then the only goddam way the actress can ever redeem herself, is if she starts fucking kissing all her hot female cousins on the show that very same way...

The oddest thing was though, that Lana fucking Lang wasn't really that damn bad in Lockdown. Sure, I was rolling my eyes at the sheer soap opera stupidity of it all, when she offered to become "friends" with Lex at the end. And God was she ever a goddam bitch with the looks she gave, even with Luthor dying at her fucking fingertips from a bullet he took for her, when Lex finally revealed the truth about the missing ship...

But if Lockdown proved anything? It's that yes, sadly putting Kristen Kreuk in a fucking panic room and turning up the fucking temperature, sadly brings out the fucking best and the only true decent use of the actress... Apparently, she's only even remotely bearable when she's fucking undressing herself, all hot and sweaty and bothered and horny at the thought of pussy whipping a man so damn badly that he's even willing to die for her... What a fucking bitch. But she really did shine as she glistened from the heat...

Or was she merely riding on the coat-tails of Lex Luthor? Because once again, Michael Rosenbaum put in a wonderful performance, as he alone was the reason why strangely enough, Lockdown wasn't the worst of episodes to wrack my mind... Lex is a villain, and Lana is a bitch. Somehow, the two have always gone hand and hand, the same way they did in Lockdown...

Now, I don't really get what the writers are trying to do with Luthor though. One moment he's a bad ass, the next he's a pussy whipped son of a bitch. Because I mean, he was actually more likable and more of a good guy than Clark was in this episode, simply because he acted like a pure hero when it came to Lana... Sure, he was only trying to get into her pants and shit like that. But in the meanwhile, Clark was acting all jealous about Lex taking credit for taking the bullet, when Kent was really the one to save her in the end from the generic weekly villains and the C4?...

He does realize that doing all that batshit, supershit stuff is like lifting a fucking finger for him in comparison, right? WTF?...

With that said, the sight of Clark just blasting his way through a C4 blast, cutting a swath across the explosion as if he was parting the fucking red sea, was perhaps the only truly decent scene in the entire damn episode... Why the fuck don't the writers give us this kind of shit normally, I'll never know...

Instead, what we got was perhaps the most dipshitted Clark we've gotten in ages. I mean, out of all the times to not check the Luthor mansion for intel, this is the one time he decides to go off with Chloe instead in search for help? WTF?... God, he wracked my brain in fucking half with his god-awful "oh shit" looks at the start, diverting attention again from the fact that he's a fucking illegal alien in the country, and doesn't deserve the right to fucking vote. And God, did I ever receive a clustered mind-fuck, and not in a good fucking way, from all his other "oh shit" looks about being in love with Lana and never being able to love anyone else...

Fuck, if they're so much fucking in love, why don't they just get fucking married?...

The only real member of the cast that Tom Welling does seem to have chemistry with is Chloe, and at least we got a few decent exchanges between the both of them here again. Poor Chloe has even found Clark's powers to be so damn routine these days, that she actually nagged on the guy for ruining her stack of homework... I didn't particularly care for more of their later scenes, as even the super-shake of the cola can seemed completely out of the mood for a "Lockdown" panic room sort of episode. But still, there's no denying that if Chloe will truly be the one to die next week? Then we'll all especially miss her smile... we'll all especially miss her golden hair...

... and fuck, the show will just go fucking downhill without all the fucking Chloe cleavage...

Well, if this was early last season, I would've argued that Lois Lane would've been a nice replacement. Afterall, she had great comical chemistry and banter with Clark when she was first introduced on the show. And yet now, I wouldn't mind if the fucking bitch was killed off, only for Chloe to take her name and place for some dumbass writer reason...

I mean seriously, has Lois Lane done anything in season five so far with Clark? Besides that predictable turn-up when Tom Welling was mentioning that Lana was the love of her life, Lois had basically no interaction with the guy whatsoever... Instead, she just whined and griped and apologized away with the Kent parents, who's storyline sucks so much ass right now in the first place...

This is what they're wasting the actress and her cleavage on these days? An election? WTF?...

It's probably no damn secret that next week, a beloved cast member will be killed off of the goddam show, and WB ain't giving any real hints about that shit... Now, the inner child of innocence in me is still praying to the Lords of Kobol that both Lana Lang and fucking president Roslin get fucking kicked off of their respective shows. But unfortunately, Kristen still brings in a bunch of fucking teeny bopper ratings to the series, so chances of her demise are sadly slim...

And if anything? That trailer at the end of Lockdown, that pretty much showed Lana getting run over by a rogue Alias vehicle, was simply making it too obvious that she would be the one to go... Unless the writers are really goddam clueless in the end, it's a safe bet that they're using the Usual Suspects philosophy here, and that the most obvious candidate is actually the least likely candidate in the end (unless they've now got it backwards...). Which sadly probably means that that Lana Lang teaser shit trailer was a fucking red herring of a great white hope in the end...

I can also guarantee that Chloe won't die. You can book me on that, considering she's had no purpose in the series lately... Now, while that obviously indicates that she therefore is disposable, even fucking Pete got a few bones and boners thrown to the guy before he was shoved off as shovelware...

Lois Lane is also a candidate. But somehow, I just don't see that one going through, as the writers have tried to state time and time again that this is the real Lois Lane (and not Chloe in the end). And I don't fucking think that they can wipe out the future wife of Clark, no matter how dumbshitted the writers may truly be...

Lionel Luthor is always a prime suspect. But while we the audience would cry foul if the actor ever was fucking fired, I seriously doubt that Clark would flinch even a fucking unibrow if Jor'el or Zod or whoever offs the Luthor dad in the end... Sure, Lionel's time will come eventually. But if he was to die, then it better be at the epic hands of Clark or Lex or even some fucking random witch bitch in the end, otherwise there will be hell to pay...

Chances are then, that one of the Kents at least are sure to go. I mean, why the fuck else would Jonathan be riding high on an actual storyline for once? Seriously, what the fuck is up with that?... I mean, I sure as hell wouldn't vote for the motherfucker. He's as bad as the NDP is up here with his whole fucking arrogant smugness, minus the Jack Layton sinister mustache at least...

It is a bit conspicuous though, ain't it? That for such a mundane storyline, of the Kents trying to pay back the money that Lionel Luthor had given them the week before, that the writers in the end practically gave half the entire damn hour to the both of them? WTF?...

Now, I suppose that canon-wise, getting the Kents out of the fucking picture works best... especially considering that it was Pa Kent's final words in the comic books, that started Clark Kent on a path to becoming Superman in the first place or whatever sort of crap...

Still, it would be even better in my fucking mind if it were Lana Lang who really was the first to go on the shitter. Not just because I hate the fucking bitch as much as Clark claims he loves her, but because her death would probably blamed as Lex's lovely fault in the end... Lex would blame Clark, and Clark would blame Lex. It would be the fucking perfect Broca Divide to diffuse the two into fucking black and white shades of good and evil, if only the writers would be that damn smart and that damn bold...

Or actually, you know what would be fucking best? If somehow, in a battle of Doomsday proportions, Clark fucking Kent and Lex fucking Luthor square off one on one for Lana Lang's fucking bitchiness... And then somehow? The two of them smite each other with simultaneous blows to the same fucking balls that they've been missing for goddam years...

And then on the fucking screen, with the two of them dead on the floor while Lana fucking Lang counts her fucking pussy whipped cheques? Then the writers will then spell out in fucking bold letters...

And then suddenly? Ah, yes... it'll be like Star Trek: Voyager all over again, reborn...

Unfortunately, that shit gonna ain't happen either, no matter how atrocious the writers may truly be. So besides at least one of the Kent parents being killed by some random Lana Lang bitchy ass gaze, then that really only leaves one remaining, final usual suspect...

Now, are you all locked and loaded, from a fucking Lockdown of a letdown? I know I sure as hell still am...

I wish (or not?) that I could also say that this is the 100th ever small, Smallville week in review... but, well?...

And death by toaster? What the fuck is this? Final Destination: Smallville?... This is what the writers consider a reckoning? WTF?..."

But still, there was literally one damn moment in the episode, where I leapt off my seat and cheered my ass off in glorious relief and delight. It was as if the Toronto Raptors had won the NBA Championship and the Toronto Maple Leafs had won the Stanley Cup, all at the same fucking time for me...

The first half of Reckoning wasn't a bad episode at all. And quite frankly, if only the episode had kept that same kind of quality throughout? Reckoning probably would have been my episode of the week...

The first scene in the show was one of the best the series had ever done. For once, Kristen Kreuk wasn't a total bitch when she was left gasping and gaping in awe at the wonders that had been laid out before her... The Fortress of Solitude looked amazing in that scene, and Tom Welling just sold his role of pure naive happiness so damn well as he finally got to show off his powers to the fucking love of his life. The Superman-leap to the top of the ice cliff was definitely one of the few pinnacle moments and highs of the series...

Now sure, I didn't fucking get why the moron would try to ruin the moment with an out-of-the-blue marriage proposal. But hell, at least even I got a laugh out of the fact that he was too fucking cheap to buy his own fucking diamond ring...

... well, the only thing that the writers probably meant for me to laugh at, that is...

And in the midst of the first half of Reckoning? We got a great scene between Lana and Lex, where Michael Rosenbaum literally acted his ass off, where you could actually see the moment when Lex tweaks and twists into the villain we all know him as... As soon as he felt that rock on Lana's bitch of a finger? He became deranged and demented, and you could almost feel how epically sinister his character would one day become...

... when Lana fucking Lang finally got what was coming to her... when she fucking got run over by a fucking school bus of all damn things...

Oh, how ironic... apparently, a school bus doesn't quite mix with a fucking dumb bitch...

I literally wept in happiness at the blood on Clark's fucking hands as Lana was fucking dead in his arms. I fucking thanked the fucking gods and powers that be behind the scenes of the show, for finally giving us the kind of priceless moment that you expect from a goddam series based on the goddam Superman comics...

... and saw that there were still thirty fucking minutes left in the fucking show...

The second half of Smallville was simply atrociously rushed... Maybe it would've had some sort of meaning if the episode had been extended to two damn hours, but as it stands right now? I felt absolutely no emotional connection to Jonathan Kent's death whatsoever...

So, Pa Kent finally croaks from the same shit that was supposed to kill him off last season. Except that his heart hasn't failed once on him for over a year, as the fucking writers have pretty much completely ignored everything they wrote from last season (have they even mentioned Jason or his mother once? WTF?)...

And having Jonathan Kent just plain roll over and die was just so damn anti-climactic, that I literally rolled my eyes at just how pointless and cliche it was as he keeled...

And where the fuck was the epic fucking father-son speech in the end? Shouldn't the character at least get some final departing words to leave a lasting impression on his superhero of a son for the rest of his life? And yet here, in Reckoning, Jonathan Kent gets killed off in about five seconds flat without uttering even a single damn last word? WHAT THE FUCK?!?...

It was obvious from the start that it would be the father who would get his ass kicked and name taken to the heavens. I just didn't think that he'd somehow kill himself by apparently turning Lionel Luthor into too much of a fucking punching bag for his own good... Who would've thought that a superhero show would have a fucking death of a man who apparently got too tired from beating the crap out of somebody else?

And the pay-off at the end of the episode was just so pointless. Annette O'Toole actually looked happy at times that her co-actor wouldn't drag her down in the series anymore... And the fucking music during the funeral scene was just way too serious for an episode that literally featured time travel and a fucking flux capacitor of all things...

I mean, a funeral with fucking time travel... It just doesn't fly with me, you know?...

... like fucking spinning the world backwards on its axis... but that's a debate for another day...

Reckoning was truly the definition of a schizophrenic episode, as almost every character was decent in the first half of the hour... and then suddenly became as goddam moronic as they've been all series long once the goddam reset button was finally pressed and shoved in our faces...

Lana Lang for once was actually bearable in the series, at least before she was risen from the fucking grave. I mean, sure she was still a complete bitch to Lex Luthor. But isn't that expected considering he is the villain of the story?... She was warm and caring and actually compassionate to Clark when he revealed his secret. She even took it better than Pete or Chloe did... And somehow, the actress actually didn't seem out of place with her magical understanding of all his fucking lies over the years. She actually forgave the poor bastard, and seriously looked like she actually meant it for once. WTF?...

But in the second half of the episode? God... She cheats on Clark with Lex, doesn't really give a damn when she's almost run over by a fucking bus, and then fucking ditches Clark yet again even after his fucking father dies... I mean, the writers were able to make her into a decent enough character for thirty fucking minutes of the show. Why the fuck couldn't they have managed to do the same damn thing for the rest of the series, by at least keeping her fucking dead?... uggh...

Chloe was cute in the first half of the episode. She didn't have the same spark that she did when talking with Clark about super-semen, but she definitely was both adorably jealous yet supportive about his whole marriage proposal shit when push came to shove... Problem was, Chloe became a complete dunce in the second half of the episode. She had only one damn job, of watching fucking Lana Lang at the fucking election party. And yet she fucked that up, all because Lana Lang decided that a fucking toaster sparkling in the water would somehow make a lovely champagne toast to the fucking election victor? WTF?...

Lana Lang was utterly useless in Reckoning, even before the goddam reset button was pressed. She did have a nice lesbian moment with Lana, when she shared her feelings of trust about Clark... But in the second half of the episode, what the fuck did the writers do to Lois? Did Lionel set her up with the fucking toaster from cheesy Final Destination hell, or was she really just that damn stupid the second time around? It made no sense whatsoever for that toaster shit to happen... Was it supposed to point out that she's hot? What the fuck?...

Lionel Luthor tried to cash in the favour of loaning Jonathan Kent the money needed to beat Lex in the election. And at least John Glover got to flex his evil acting chops again, blackmailing the father with what we can only assume is a picture of Clark using his powers... It's just that, all of this meant jack Jonathan shit considering a) Lionel got beat up by a man having a bloody hell heart attack of all things, and b) this all lead to Jonathan Kent dying meaninglessly from the same fucking heart attack, without even a fucking dying breath of a speech to mutter to his son... What the fuck kind of poetic justice is that? What the fuck kind of Justice League shit is that?...

At least Lex Luthor was decently consistent in both halves of the episode. The ironic thing was, he was the sole character who was actually meant to be schizophrenic in the damn story in the first place... Now, I loved how he twinged and cringed and essentially went batshit insane from Lana not only accepting Clark's marriage proposal, but also from the fact that she was lying straight to his face about Clark's secret. His lust for her and the truth about Clark have always been the two deciding factors that have made Lex into the villain that he is today. And it was great that the writers finally let the actor push the character past the boiling point for once... even if the goddam reset button was pressed...

But still, the problem was, what the fuck did Lex Luthor do in the second half of the episode? Exactly the same damn thing he did in the first, which wasn't really compelling television... considering the second time around? Lana fucking Lang didn't even get to fucking die for me again...

The episode was definitely far too rushed, as the end of the episode didn't even get a chance to make an actual storytelling statement, that Jonathan Kent's death was all because of Clark's fault of not realizing the consequences of his goddam Marty McFly actions. I mean, instead of a decent moral to the story (that time travel apparently fucks somebody over no matter who you try to save), we were all left with the dumbass impression instead that apparently, it was Pa Kent's fucking time to die from a fucking broken heart? WTF?...

Tom Welling was good in the first half of the episode, when all the spinning and panning camera angles helped to actually make the Clark and Lana scenes bearable to watch for once. Problem was, he went right back into his usual "oh shit", teen angst, constipated shit in the second half of the episode. And of course, I do blame him for that... considering that he should've just let Lana fucking Lang die all over again...

... and of course, satisfy the audience with her bloody hell demise a second time around...

The thing is, the first half of the Reckoning may stand as some of the best damn storytelling that the series has ever done...

... it's just too bad then, that I kept watching the godddam show after the fucking mid-break commercials...

Killing off Lana Lang and shocking (yet appeasing) Superman comic fans around the world would have been bold, and yet so damn appropriate... considering her death would have driven the final wedge between Clark and Lex, slowly leading them both into the Superman mythos and moving the series on to Metropolis and Lois Lane...

Sure, Jonathan Kent may have been the more logical choice to whack off the show, considering he hasn't had a decent character arc in God knows how long. But he was also the safer choice, a choice that really doesn't concern me one damn bit for the future of the series... He was even more fucking pointless to the sum of the story than even the Sheriff ever was. And it's not like he even got a decent farewell speech for us to remember him by...

I mean, seriously?... Smallville of all series manages to reach one hundred fucking episodes? WTF?...

Or if that product placement ain't blatant enough for you? Then how about... well?...

"Acuvue to the rescue? WTF?... If anything, I want hot girls to be wearing glasses, not the other fucking way around..."

I don't even remember the name of the Angel of Vengeance character. All I do remember, was that she was hot with the glasses as a reporter by day, and fucking ugly as a bat when she took them off... I know that the writers were trying to tout her assets or something, as if she was Ms. Marvel Universe or some shit like that. But the CG jumping effects were just so bad, that the Angel of Vengeance reminded me more of just a bad Birds of Prey ripoff than anything else... and that says a hell of a lot...

I admit that Chloe was decent in Vengeance. I mean, when a girl can't have glasses to inflame my fetishes, at least wearing a cute little toque while being mugged always helps... The thing is, most of her comedy just felt out of place in Vengeance. While Clark was brooding about losing his father (and about it being his own damn fault in the end, really), Chloe was making wise cracks about how Metropolis could really use a glasses-wearing reporter during the day and a superhero at night?... I dunno, no matter how cute Chloe was in Vengeance, she just didn't fit in with the mood of the episode. If anything, I felt more chemistry between her and Martha when they were feeling each other up than either of those ever had with Clark...

Now, Tom Welling did a better job with his pent-up, Hulk rage in Vengeance than he did in that shitastic episode last year with the Sand-thingy man. I mean, you could actually feel some of the fury of his during that scene when he was strangling that noname criminal, even if his rage was really just directed at himself... Of course, then Tom Welling became completely wussified again, as Clark once again reduced himself to being the good boyscout with the kryptonite lapel pin as his badge of honour. He went from being deranged one moment to being a pure criminal sympathizer as soon as that Angel girl swooped onto the scene. And he should've just fucking bitchslapped Lana Lang for all her backhanded shit for all I cared...

Do I really need to talk about Lana? Must I always reiterate the same old shit, about how she must be sucking a whole lot of dick to be staying on the show?... The thing is, the writers keep shoving her into our faces (and unfortunately doing so face-first, not breast-first so to speak...), so why the fuck wouldn't I reserve the right to complain that once again, she was backstabbing Clark at every turn?... I mean, sure I know that a) Clark has basically left her out to dry since he got his powers back, and b) the actress has always had more chemistry with Lex than Clark, but really? Must she always be making fucking cutie-eyes at every fucking guy who walks into the Talon but Clark, especially during the times when her fucking boyfriend just lost his fucking father?...

She did alright with the watch at least, as apparently the spoiled bitch can do no wrong when it comes to shopping. And yes, I do understand where she's coming from, that essentially Clark will have to walk it alone when it comes to his loss... But does the actress really have to make it always sound like she's screaming in his ears, "I told you so?", as if she's feeling all smug and warm inside that finally Clark got a taste of her own bitched-up rage (when it comes to the death of her own parents long ago)?... Just get over it, you fucking bitch...

And ah, good ol' Lex. I mean, he may be one of the most pussy-whipped villains out there on television today, but man can the guy get reviled for just trying to pick up the vulnerable chicks all the time... I loved his scene when he was trying to seduce Lana. I mean, doing it all behind his so-called best friend's back, stealing his girl while Clark's father was just buried six feet deep? Heh... Now, that's cold. That's Lana bitchy Lang stone cold, as the two of them deserve each other really...

But when it came to Lionel Luthor trying to do a hostile takeover of Luthorcorp? Not only am I left wondering how the fuck Lionel mustered up that kind of money from the Chinese, but I'm also left shaking my head at just how fucking abrupt the whole B-plotline ended up being in Vengeance... So what if there was a power struggle? Was it supposed to make Lex look like a cheap badass, by pulling another skeleton out of Lionel's bag of closets?... Or was it supposed to make Lionel Luthor look like a threat again, even though the guy was shot down by one frickin' threat from his son, and had to be fucking saved by Clark from a fucking Bird of Prey wannabe? What the fuck was the purpose of this plotline anyhew?...

Well, if the whole hostile takeover thing proved one thing, it was that John Glover was indeed back as the great character we've always known him as. And if anything else? Well, at least Lionel backing off so quickly from Lex's threat, proved without a shadow of a doubt what we've known since the second season at least... That just like Lex has a thing for Lana? Lionel Luthor has had his eyes set on Martha Kent for a very long time, even or especially when he was blind apparently...

So, Ma Kent was given the Senator role of her late husband? WTF?... Can this actually happen in real life? Couldn't Hilary Clinton just have offed her husband during their threeway with Lewinsky and then called it a presidential day? WTF?... Either way though, how dumbass can that Martha Kent bitch really be? First, she goes to a Metropolis slums alleyway in the middle of the night fucking alone, not even with the protection of her goddam superhero son. And then she makes old skool Lana Lang cooing eyes, when it comes to Lionel Luthor being a soft-ass with her in the barn? WTF?...

There was really only one decent scene in all of Vengeance, and that came near the very end... Smallville is very rarely an emotional rollercoaster for me, except for screaming at my television at just how dumbass every character on the show may be. But I do admit that I did feel a bit of sentimentality for poor Jonathan Kent smiling and waving on the ol' Kent video, as if the actor actually still had a job that is...

Poor unemployed bastard. Now that the actor homeless, does this mean he's going to have to accept the clothes that were donated from Jonathan Kent's closet?...

Now, I didn't give a damn about the whole watch thing that Clark was wearing. But the tear down his cheek definitely does deserve some merit from me in the end... And the final moment of the episode, with Pa Kent together with his son on the tractor? That definitely saved this shit hour of an excuse of a show from my fucking full wrath, for one more week at least...

Sad thing is though, John Schneider had more to do in Vengeance than he did for most of the past two seasons combined...

But oh dear God, that still doesn't change the fact that I want my fucking time back...

Can they spin the earth backwards on its axis? Can the fucking writers give me back my fucking time?...

Fuck... Even just a full episode of hot sweaty broads wearing sexy, scintillating glasses, and I would've been perfectly complacent!....

I would rather have fucking Birds of Prey back than this fucking, goddam chicken shit...

Yet instead? I'm sure next week, we'll all be humbled and fucking chicken littled...

... as it'll just be Lana Lang and another fucking product placement to the rescue..."

It actually made suicide tempting, if only so I could forget the secrets and all the shit that can only be known as Tomb...

"A slasher-horror episode, in the middle of fucking February? WTF?... Were the writers jealous of Saw II ads for Valentine's Day, and decided to do one even worse? WTF?..."

Oh dear God, I never thought I could see an episode even more fucking painful than an entire fucking hour of Lana Lang... though yes, that is still kind of true to some extent, since nothing (and I mean, nothing) will ever be worse than that goddam first witch episode from last season...

But goddammit, Tomb came so damn close to matching even that episode in pure shittyness, that it freaked the hell out of me... so fucking close...

Lois Lane finally made her return, in an episode where she fucking plays the nurse and maid to her whacked out cousin? Sure, she had a decent scene at the end where she tried to play the hero with a knife (as if nobody saw that fucking coming). But really, did the actress do anything else but walk around, look all concerned, was too fucking dumbass to even properly secure her door, and got fucking knocked out by goddam chloroform as a result?...

I never thought I'd say this. But for once, just for once?... I actually fucking slapped myself in the forehead from the sheer stupidity of Chloe in an episode, than I think I ever have from fucking even Lana Lang over the past year or so? WTF?...

I can't honestly believe just how bad Tomb really was, even in making a character such as Chloe into a pure running joke. I mean, all she really did was run and cluck around, claiming that the sky was falling as she kept seeing fucking bloody hell footprints on the floors of the hospital... Sure, I can believe that maybe Gretchen the ghost only appeared to her because she was whacked out of her mind with some sort of mental instability. But I absolutely felt nothing still when we learned exactly How Chloe Met her Mother... or the wig of a shadow of a substitute or whatever in the mental institute, that is...

Clark was absolutely pathetically atrocious in Tomb, even without the presence of Lana Lang somehow. I mean, does he really have to go bashing in every wall with a dead body behind it that he sees? And really, what the fuck was the purpose of him speeding in to save the day from the fucking serial killer, when he was fucking incapacitated by the kryptonite bracelet within three seconds flat? WTF?... Was there even a real reason why he refused to let Chloe go to Belle Reve? Was he simply fearful of all the freaks there, or was he simply afraid his secret will get out? Either way, Chloe looked more like a fucking crazy person to me than anything else...

How many times has Chloe gotten possessed by some entity in Smallville already? Is there a minimum quota for each season or something?... Sure, the actress did a decent job in the final scenes with the serial killer, as she really did look terrified out of her wits. But goddam, the whole MWAHAHA villain of the story was so damn grating in the first place, as who here didn't suspect that the psychotic looking orderly fellow was actually goddam psychotic right off the bat?... The predictability of this shit made Chloe and co look like goddam fools...

I suppose if this was Halloween time or even the fucking Prom again, I would give this episode a bit more credit. But honestly, we're talking about a fucking slasher rip-off here, made as the monkey in the middle for fucking February. WTF?...

Usually Lex sweeps in to save an episode from complete mediocrity, but even he was completely fucked over by the presence of Lana Lang ripping apart whatever acting credibility Michael Rosenbaum had... The two of them did what exactly? Just give "oh shit" looks to each other, every single time Chloe took a stun-gun or fled from the fucking scene of the crime?... I mean, considering Ms. Sullivan was on fucking foot, don't you think it would've been fucking easy to catch her by say, fucking actually walking after her or some shit like that? And yet all Lex and Lana would do was cuddle for warmth in the hallways? WTF?...

And fuck, did Lana really have to fuck up every single scene she was in, by giving the absolute most bitchy looks and tones to Clark every time she saw him?... She may have only been on screen for about a couple minutes flat, and part of that was fucking flat on her back (as always...). But still, I swear it was like I was watching that fucking witch episode from last season all over again. Except this time, Lana had no real fucking excuse for being a complete and utter bitch...

I suppose that Lionel Luthor and Martha Kent tried their best to spare this episode from the same kind of shit as Scare was last season. But the thing is, there's only so much of goddam widow-flirting through the windows that I can take... Lionel may always be The Man in my eyes, for trying to sweep Martha off her feet with all his support for the death of her husband. But really, what I can never fucking forgive is the fact that just a few weeks after Jonathan's demise, we already have fucking Ma Kent making moon eyes at the fucking villain of the story?... Fucking goddammit, what a goddam slut. No wonder she was selected to play Lana fucking Lang in the movies...

If the writers really are obsessed with possessing Chloe every single season, wouldn't it have been wiser to just have her channel the spirit of Pa Kent through her Chanel or some shit like that?... Think about it. We could have episodes with Jonathan in Chloe's body going at it one last time with MILF Ma Kent, Patrick Swayze style. And then since we all know that Pa Kent had something in his heart for fucking Lois Lane as well, I can finally get that long night out between the two cousins that I've been goddam demanding since last season...

And yet in Tomb? Instead we got fucking cleavers and beavers and saws and shitty ass, pointless slasher-fanfic-shit like that. What were the writers possibly thinking?...

In just one episode, not only did they completely ruin Lex's character with Lana Lang clawing at his back, desperately trying to steal his glory... Not only did the writers completely waste Lois Lane as the new damsel in distress of the series... And not only did they completely destroy whatever adoration I had for Chloe, by reducing her to the same damn role that Erica Durance pretty much had in the first damn House of the Dead movie?...

But also? Fuck, somehow?... the writers made me look forward to fucking seeing House of the Dead 2...

"It was only a matter of time, until the Smallville writers did the ever cliche and cop-out thing...

... and ripped-off all sorts of SciFi, with the merging of man with machine and fucking stolen scripts from goddam Star Trek...

Now, while I do completely admit that the Borg or cyborgs or bionics or whatever, are indeed an integral part of the Superman mythos?...

"Lana and her SUV got rammed through again, and yet she still survives with barely a scratch? Why must the writers keep teasing me with this shit? WTF?..."

And what the fuck was with that Bionic Stone Cold Victor guy in that scene? Did he somehow bind his feet to the ground somehow? Because the laws of physics kind of dictate, that unless you're Superman? The object of greater mass is supposed to kick your ass... and he should've been sent flying, along with the rest of the shit ass script of course...

Now, I will gladly admit that Cyborg was better than the goddam usual crap that we get out of the show. And definitely one of the only reasons why it was even half that good, was that Cyborg actually led somewhere with the whole Lionel Luthor mystery at the end of the hour...

I admit that John Glover was getting on my nerves throughout the episode, as it couldn't have been more obvious that he had set up Martha's whole blackmail thing, just to rescue her in the end and get in her good graces. Did we really need so many goddam old-Clark and old-Lana shit scenes to point all that shit out between the two of them? Haven't the writers done this enough with young-Clark and the fucking real Lana Lang to get it in their heads, that this is not what Superman is really all about?...

The thing is though, while it was hinted at a couple of episodes earlier with Lionel's whole "son" comment to Clark? We still didn't really get confirmation of what the fuck was up with Lionel Luthor all season long, until he uttered the words "Kal-El" in this episode. And something tells me he ain't just talking about Nicolas Cage's latest fucked up creation...

It's still unclear what the fuck is going on. I mean, is Lionel really Jor-el or Zod or whoever is pretending to be Lionel Luthor all along? Or is it Lionel Luthor really in there, and he actually remembers the time when was taken over by the Fortress of Solitude?... But at least we finally know one thing for sure. Because at one point at least?...

After so many months of just assuming that they had no clue what to do with Lionel? I really did think that the writers had a plan...

And then I remembered the rest of the episode... and promptly shot that fucking loony theory down...

Tom Welling normally does better when dealing with other so-called superheroes (The Flash in particular, and even Aquaman to some extent), as normally the show then focuses on the Superman aspect of the series and not the fucking angst... Problem was, as cool as Mr. Super Ford redux here may have been? Victor was simply used as a fucking reincarnation of more teen angst for Clark, by constantly reminding him of the shit that would happen if he did reveal to Lana the truth about his secret (not that he hasn't before, mind you...)...

I mean seriously, doesn't this make Clark all wish that he could take back the goddam taking back of Lana's fucking death?...

Sure, shit happens. But in Lana's case? Please, for God's sakes, let the shit happen...

... let the fucking bus rape and school her for all I care... God, was she ever annoying in fucking Cyborg...

The whole episode literally consisted of just Lana Lang, making fucking moon-pie eyes at Clark, about their "glory days" and how much in fucking love they used to be (as if any of us actually counted what we saw this season between the two of them as love). God, she even makes Padme and Anakin Skywalker look animated and anything but fucking mechanical in comparison...

Sure, the whole Catharine and Victor reembracing scene was sappy enough as it was. But still, it was absolutely ruined even further by the fact that the fucking camera locked onto Lana Lang's bitchy eyes the whole time through... Didn't she and Clark already break up last episode? Is the status of their relationship going to be conveniently forgotten episode to episode, just like the writers can't make up their minds as to when Lex will be a ruthless villain for the next hour or when he will be a trusted friend?...

Lex was a predictable villain in Cyborg, a bit too much so actually. It was obvious right from the get go that he was behind the whole operation, but we never really got a motive out of it... Sure, Michael Rosenbaum can make a ton of god-awful scenes tolerable just by himself, by simply being the best cocky asshole as possible. The writing for him here was just too damn weak for even him to save though, as we even got a cliche MWAHAHA scene of him looking over Victor in the fucking medical chair... Isn't that shit normally reserved for the cringe or Krige-worthy, noname villain of the week?...

I know that Clark is too much of a good guy to just punch Lex in the face or anything, but something just feels so damn tame about every single scene where Clark blames Luthor for everything going on. Clark always just storms in there, points some fingers, scuffs his feet, then just turns tail and runs after giving Lex warning number 556? WTF?... It's like the writers start off every episode with those two fucking characters acting as friends or something, and then quickly shift them both to arch-nemesis mode once they remember that Lex was supposed to turn evil something like three goddam seasons ago...

The true villain of the series has always been Lionel Luthor, and I suppose I am glad that John Glover's talents have been combined with Jor'el's strengths to some extent. I just wish that we didn't get so many goddam scenes of Mrs. Kent falling in love with the man who obviously is doing everything in his power to make her his fucking Valentine's Day Massacre... It was boring to see that video of Clark racing through the C4 fireball over and over again, as I could barely register what was going on. And it just made Ma Kent look so damn fragile and weak, giving into blackmail that damn quickly and early on in the show...

It's kind of interestingly ironic though, as to what's going on between her and Lionel I mean. Maybe it was just a coincidence that Jor'el chose to inhabit the body of a man who already loved Martha Kent. But still, is it just me, or is the supposed biological father of Clark trying to fucking make his fucking moves on his son's adopted mother?... Does Terence Stamp still have the hots for Annette O'Toole, after all these years of not being in fucking lameass Superman movies anymore? WTF?...

Chloe and Lois Lang probably could've helped to save this episode. But really, Chloe was barely anywhere to be found, simply typing in Google shit into her computer like I basically am right now... And Lois? God, aren't the writers making such great use of the newest main cast member of the series or what?... Next thing you know, at this rate? Clark will one day mistakenly call her "Pete"...

Besides Lionel Luthor? Probably the only decent thing about Cyborg was the damn cyborg itself. Sure, I seriously don't get why the Smallville universe now has energy weapons and SciFi shit like that, but at least we got a classic scene out of Clark and Victor jumping off of the building roof together... It would've been funny as hell, if it had just been fucking Pete who was turned into a mechanical superhero. Then maybe he would've found a purpose on the show or some shit that?...

... and yet still, he would've found a way to get his useless ass kicked off of the show by fucking Steve Austin...

Victor and Clark had some decent scenes reminiscing about their glory days of football, but God did the episode ever weigh itself down with thinking back to the so-called glory days of whatever the writers actually do consider to be fucking Smallville love...

Cyborg was just a formulative episode in the end, with a completely predictable plot twist when it came to Lex Luthor, another generic mad scientist by the name of Alister Krige or Alice Krige or whatever, and even more "oh shit" looks between Clark Kent and Lana Lang for the entire second half of the goddam episode...

Sure, I may be a huge SciFi whore. But fuck no, will I ever lower myself to drivel shit like this...

The only fucking way that I could've ever enjoyed this episode, was if either a) Chloe was giving me a blowjob...

"Simone had her chance to sexually hypnotize both Chloe and Lois Lane in the end, and yet all we got instead was the seduction of Ma fucking Kent? WHAT THE FUCK?!?"...

Fuck, Simone wasn't even hot in Hypnotic. She had the complete look of a whore, which just doesn't seem to work in the overly pubescent world that the Smallville writers have created... And seriously, she strips down to her undies and then asks Clark to make "love" to her? Not only does absolutely nothing happen between the two that night, but she also never asks the guy to just fuck her during the countless hours they spent together later on? WTF is this? The Victorian Age?...

Is it any wonder, that everyone's favourite former vampire was stealing blood samples of all things?...

Old habits die hard. The undead die even harder... Why am I somehow not surprised?...

As always, Milton Fine was absolutely the best part and the only good part of a Smallville episode. At first, I was confused as hell as to how he possibly could've survived his destruction in the Fortress of Solitude. But even I felt a sense of dread upon seeing three or four copies of the Kryptonian AI all working in unison, all with the same exact powers as the lone Brainiac had beforehand... Not only am I curious as to what the fuck that alien ship is doing in Honduras, but I gotta also assume that at this point, Superman is fucked...

But alas, that was the extent of everything decent in the fucking episode. Even Lex's appearance in the Vancouver-like jungles of Central America fell flat in the end, as the guy just looked like a doofus for believing Fine was actually a secret government operative (unless Brainiac had planted that information as a ruse)... Why the fuck was Lex such a pussy? After spending so much fucking time tracking down Milton Fine (and surprisingly actually finding him, unless he wanted to be found), he then discusses a few extraterrestrial stories over a hot cup of tea, and then just quietly leaves back for his mansion where it's obvious that Simone would try to take him out? WTF?...

Seriously, how many fucking times can Clark Kent throw the man across the room before Lex fucking gets a hint?...

You gotta love Clark Kent too. He was hypnotized to kill fucking Luthor, yet he instead decides to take his time and toss him around the room all over again instead of just frying his brains out with his heat vision in one damn stroke... nice...

... even without his free will, this kid ain't exactly the brightest bloke on the block, now is he?...

But then again, what else would you expect from the guy who was still dating Lana fucking Lang of all bitches, even after they had broken up how many times now? For what, three episodes in a row? WTF?... Why the fuck are the two crazy kids back together yet again? Are their memories on the show that damn short and that damn brief, that Lana still is fucking horny enough to keep repeatedly asking the man of steel to strip down to his boxers?...

I hate Lana, I really do. And maybe the writers have finally gotten the hint, that the actress can't play anything but a broken hearted, cruel bitch in the end... I was actually clapping and cheering and laughing my ass off at the TV when she walked in on Clark supposedly doing it with Simone. Not only did the fucking Lana bitch have that kind of pain and punishment duly coming to her, but it was absolutely ridiculously amusing to watch Kristen Kreuk actually try to act in tears when all was said and done. Because I mean, the bitch actress can play a fucking demented vampire better than she can ever pull off a soft-spoken, broken hearted, innocent little girl...

She ain't so innocent anymore though. Because was it just me, or did the actress somehow seem happy when Clark officially broke it off with her the umpteenth time at the end of the episode? Ma Kent even tried to spin things like a Sonybot later on, telling Clark that perhaps he never revealed his secret to her because she simply wasn't the one (while completely ignoring the fact that Clark did tell Lana his secret and even proposed in the 100th episode... guess that slipped his mind as well...)... Apparently though, Lana proved herself that she wasn't the one with her slutty ways just one episodic second later. She went crawling right back to Lex Luthor's corruptive sort of comfort, and it's only a matter of time until she ascends her throne again as the queen bitch of the series...

At least Chloe was semi-cute? But besides tossing around some kryptonite while Clark was throwing Lex around like a ragdoll, what the fuck did she even do? She may have pulled a Clark with her quick exit after saving Lois Lane, but I never really did give a damn about her ace reporter, heroine moments and all...

All I did care about, was that Simone was fucking touching and rubbing herself (in the hypnotic gem at least...) as soon as she saw Chloe there. And honestly, in an episode where you have an evil bitch just begging for a wardrobe malfunction, and you have fucking porn-star quality actresses like Erica Durance and Allison Mack, all revving and horned up for a paycheck? Then how the fuck could you not hypnotize the two, to at least stay off your back by fucking you up the feminine ass? WTF?...

At least Tom Welling did what was to be expected from him. He not only broke Lana's heart, but he broke Lex's back in the process as well. How can I really fault him for that?... Sure, it was Tom Welling episode #346 where once again, he strips down to his underwear thanks to being under some horrible spell. But at least this time, unlike the last time the three witches produced the worst fucking television in the history of the world? At least it made sense why he was being made to be the funky, fluky, flunky boy in the first place... Lex wanted Clark and Lana to split up. Mission accomplished at least, which was perhaps the only intelligent and legible thing in the entire fucking episode to mention...

... and at least we got the return of Milton Fine back, right?... but really?...

It's just sad, that the one and only thing that turned me on this episode?... was Simone seducing Martha fucking Kent of all bitches...

"Did anyone else get the distinct feeling, that somehow after watching a shitty ass episode like this?...

What a perfect name for Smallville as a series then... the very damn show that just keeps on drawing viewers in, yet leaves the masses completely unsatisfied, hollow, and fucking brain-dead to boot...

"Lana Lang dies... again?... and again?... AND AGAIN?!?... And then gets brought back to life? Why the fuck must the writers keep cock-teasing us so? WTF?..."

Oh dear God, just when you think the writers finally have the right idea? They strip it all away, like an illusion, in favour of keeping the fucking bitch as the prime time centerfold of the show...

Seriously, Lana Lang wants to die. The audience wants her to die. It's a marriage made in heaven...

She was happy there in heaven. We were happy she was off the show. Why not keep her dead?...

What the fuck is the problem then? What the fuck are the writers on? Why the fuck must the writers keep cock-teasing us so?...

... constantly cock-teasing us with their fucking cocktails of "non-drug" drugs...

... can the Smallville writers please not try to beat us over the head with their goddam metaphorical ugly sticks?...

I mean, I can still remember how many fucking complaints came out, when Joss Whedon and co in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (season 6) were actually dumb enough to use magical drugs for Willow as a subtle reference and hidden metaphor for, get this?...

And yet what we do we have here? Lana the fucking Smallville Slayer or some shit like that?...

Throughout the whole damn episode, Lana or the medical student MWAHAHA guy, whatever his name was, just keep reiterating over and over again that they weren't doing drugs. Even if they all looked like they had OD'ed on E, even if they were on magical hallucinatory trips to Disney Land, even if their bodies were fucking addicted and dependent on that shit, and even if any fucking serum you actually do put into the body technically is a fucking drug already by definition?... How stupid can Lana be? WTF?...

... and I guess her stupidity really is goddam contagious, rubbing off on fucking medical students and Replicaters of all people...

I mean seriously, wouldn't it have been smarter for that MWAHAHA medical dude to just run away from Lana and the authorities, instead of just trying to murder everyone on sight at the end? Doesn't anyone find it completely fucking moronic, that his chosen method of syringe capital punishment for Lana, was exactly what she had been begging for the whole damn time? Yet she was terrified of hell of getting the injection anyhew? What the fuck kind of dumb bitch is she? WTF?...

But I guess Mr. RepliCurrie was just simply too damn moronically badass to let the SciFi broad do him in again from behind his back. Because as my friend might say? It's always great to see good ol' Fifth on April Sixth...

Didn't anyone else think of RepliCarter as soon as we saw the MWAHAHA guy with a blade in hand? Man, the guy has guts...

Bad pun for a really bad villain... from a terrible episode of a horribly atrocious show... how fitting...

Meanwhile, Lois Lane was nowhere in sight to be found. And Chloe in the meantime? While her cleavage is always welcome, she really was useless as hell. She showed a few random pictures from her computer, consoled the Goth bitch as she was conveniently found at the scene of her death bed, and then wasn't even smart enough to help Clark out when she knew Kryptonite drugs were on the lunch menu from the MWAHAHA villain of the day...

Lionel Luthor has always been the greatest character on the show. But unless his true motives and true self come out anytime soon? Even I'm started to get bored to death of his MILFing goddam act in the end... Chances are, he's not Lionel Luthor. He's just Jor'el or Zod playing out the Lionel role, maneuvering all the pieces of his chess board in place. Why else would he seemingly expose Spike the Vampire Slayer down south in Honduras?... and apparently, Jor'el is horny as hell, going for Clark's mom of all people...

But did we really have to put up with all that romancing crap Lionel's doing with Martha all over again? Didn't we get enough of that blind love shit back in season two?... Hell, even Martha just seemed completely out of whack in this episode. Why the hell is she that damn dressed up and that damn slutted up for a fucking gala? She looked like a motherfucking, mother of a ruby red whore... The only saving grace she could've brought to this episode, was if Clark had gotten to tell her what Jonathan had said to him from beyond the Smallville grave. But we didn't even get that, so what the fuck?...

Although isn't it weird, that Clark was the only person who didn't get to see his biological parents from beyond the odyssey? That actually would've been a pivotal moment in the series' history, seeing both his mother and his Kryptonian father in heaven (although I'm sure Clark still would've been confused as hell over who or what the fuck was in the caves... he's never been real bright)... That alone could've saved the season from mediocrity, but alas, I'll have to settle for Jonathan fucking Kent instead...

Still, I'll proudly admit that the one scene and the only damn decent scene of the episode, came when Clark was dead or in a fucking coma of all things. Finally, we got the father to son, death bed talk that we were cheated out of in the 100th episode. And as short as it was here, it did not disappoint... Even I'll admit to feeling some tug at the cheeks over Jonathan calling Clark a true symbol of peace. This was the speech that in the comic books, set Clark on the path to becoming the greatest superhero ever known. And it was just great to know that thank God, the very core of the Superman legacy wasn't completely ignored here in goddam Smallville for once...

Unfortunately, that still doesn't make up for the crap that we had to go through to just get to that scene alone. I mean, why the fuck do we really have to deal with Lana Lang being a fucking cat-burgler in the Luthor mansion for half an hour of shit, when we only got literally five fucking minutes instead of Clark in Honduras with his horrible Spanish accent?... Now, I doubt Kent can really run that damn fast down to South America as was shown, otherwise he would've owned The Flash in their race. But even so, the little CG overworld effect was the only true Superman moment of the whole damn episode, and also one of the few seconds where I actually was satisfied with the actual damn show...

I suppose Lex Luthor was good enough to be expected as well, although I don't really get the meaning behind the glove he was wearing. It was always nice though, that his mother seemed like she was straight out of hell, acting as bitchy as Lana Lang ever has. Oedipal Complex, much?... The thing is, has Lex even really done anything evil since that Christmas episode? In fact, the way things have been going since the Senator race, he's probably become nicer than he ever has before. Sure, he'll turn into a complete monster as soon as (we all pray) Lana fucking Lang gets killed off of the show, but still? I'd rather have the Lex of today as a fucking superhero, than the shitasstic Clark in the episodes that we do fucking get...

... because Smallville on a whole, all its powers combined?... is just never goddam satisfying...

There seems to be a goddam void in the series, and yet we just keep on watching. And I think we all know the real reason why...

Seriously, what the fuck are the writers on? Go to hell, Lana Lang. Go to fucking hell...

Because is it just me, or did Smallville almost 'prove' the existence of an afterlife here? A happy afterlife, where everything is all warm and peachy and cozy and fuzzy?...

Didn't Smallville therefore prove the existence (in its own universe, at least), of a heaven where Lana Lang is actually welcome? And a place where we viewers all pray to God she will leave us for, sooner rather than goddam later?...

"We just want you to be dead!", so say the rest of us all to her motherfucking face...

And yet they couldn't even get Samuel L. Jackson back as the badass mofo, all things considering?...

"Tom Welling got to direct an episode? They let him direct an episode? I guess it shows... I mean, the Cylons got their ass whooped by Hermione Granger? WTF? That would never happen in real life. Never..."...

But you know what else I never thought would be possible in real life either?...

... that an episode directed by Tom fucking Welling of all people, would actually turn out to be alright in the end...

I mean, sure Fragile basically just followed the freak of the week formula. And sure, the episode did have a shaky and rather fragile start... I mean, why on earth would a fucking bitch first take cover from all the glass shattering around her, then fucking stare at the one last mirror in the room that was just about to bust open into her face? I guess The Fog really got to Tom Welling or something, because he sure must have a thing for dumbass women in horror situations...

But is it just me, or did Fragile actually provide a somewhat entertaining and meaningful bottle episode, while also simultaneously stringing together a few seasonal story arcs in the background? It was actually decently well written, decently well directed, and even more surprising? Decently well acted, in my honest opinion at least...

Erica Durance finally made her way back into season five, after being gone for God knows what reason for God knows how long. And she was rude and abrasive and annoying as always, without any damn real cleavage out of hospital clothes to warm viewers back up to her... But still, at least the references to her future with Clark were kept rather somewhat subtle yet meaningful. Sure, it was obvious how the two connected over Maddie as if they were parents, but it was still nice to get that kind of relationship-like contrast between the two again like we did in season four... I still miss how the writers actually knew what to do with Lois Lane last year. But hey, even if they just had to give her a new job here out of the fucking blue in this episode, at least it gives me some hope that the actress will get some screen time later on in the season...

Meanwhile, Chloe was useless as always, not even being the sidekick when it came to the whole superhero business. I mean, she was actually that close minded to just believe that Maddie was the supervillain in all this? How many Smallville episodes has she been through again?... Now, I thought her talks with Lex and Lana felt out of place at first, considering we normally don't see Chloe that fired up. The thing is though, if you look at it from the perspective that she ain't protecting Lana, but rather Clark? Then you see the newfound or returning possibly, that maybe she and the boy wonder will get it on sometime. Which starts for me at least, another decent hope for the rest of the horrible fifth season of this goddam show...

Oh, and finally Lana Lang shows her true G-strings of a fucking slut. Of course, we all knew this years and years ago, that she's the fucking princesss bitch of the series, but apparently the character herself was too damn dumb to ever notice just how whorish she's become... If having a Parisian fling as a screaming witch wasn't bad enough, she goes from being totally in love with Clark to rebounding with Lex Luthor in about one or two weeks flat? While I would normally abhor such stupidity, it just seems natural coming from such a bloody hell whore in the first place...

Lana Lang may still supposedly be the good gal in the series, as the "prey" of this relationship. But at least I can finally tolerate the actress to some degree, when her character finally shows her true colours and her true skin (yes, please), trying to hurt people rather than pretend to be all nice and fucking innocent (and of course, failing absolutely miserably in terms of acting in the end)...

Lex Luthor himself is finally getting an ass piece of the action, and it's about fucking time. While the inner Superman fanboy in me would've much preferred a rivalry between him and Clark in terms of riches and power, that just isn't the way that Smallville has gone... What the WB has created is just another one of their fucking overdramatic soap operas, and force fed upon us the horrors that can only be known as Clark and Lana Lang. But now that the bitch has finally switched to the dark side of the force where she belongs? Then finally, the real rivalry of the series between Clark Kent and his mortal nemesis can finally come to the forefront, as undoubtedly one of the two will blame the other for Lana's slutasstic ways...

And I don't know, but I just felt happy for Lex, you know? That little cheekish smile he gave at the end, after Lana kissed him like the cock-tease she is and left, gave me hope that maybe even a son of a bitch such as myself will find a nice gold-digger whore of my own one of these days... And besides, how the fuck could you not side with the bastardly man in his conversation with Chloe? I mean, I sincerely don't understand how a cleavage-totting blonde cutie like her could possibly not already have a relationship with some guy (and Jimmy the news-boy doesn't count), but at least Lex started the possibly that Ms. Sullivan will start looking for a man... and give us a couple that might actually have fucking chemistry on screen, don't you know...

I don't know, but this episode just seemed to create a fragile new balance in the series, or a tipping point where maybe, just maybe the series might turn things around for the rest of the season. And it just gave me a lot of hope that the Superman story arcs we were promised so long ago will finally become the focus once again, as Milton Fine being spotted by Lex's thugs all across the globe in two countries simultaneously, has just got to mean that Spike the Vampire will be going head to head again with everyone's favourite supervillain slayer sooner rather than later...

Hell, even Martha fucking Kent was bearable now and again in Fragile. She's still a fucking whore, rebounding from the ashes of her dead husband to dressing up night and day in scarlett Johansson red for Lionel Luthor of all people. But at least she finally also seemed a bit like a mother again in Fragile Balance, looking over at Clark either with pride?...

Either way though, it doesn't really matter to me. I always do love a good Oedipal Complex sort of story, don't you know...

Emily Herst, whoever the fuck she may be? Well, she played Maddie the little girl in Fragile. The thing is, she was completely the opposite of Dakota Fanning in terms of all her omnipotent annoyingness. Herst actually played the part well, and her character had great chemistry with Clark...

A little too great of a chemistry with Clark, really... if you know what I mean...

Is it really that wrong that when I see the two of them together, hugging each other with sentimental foolish pictures of stick and matchstick men, that I get turned on? I mean, sure it was supposed to be a father and daughter sort of bond between them, or even a brother and sister. But is it really that wrong that those are the two archetypes that I always sadly find the most alluring in television shows?...

Sure, Fragile was meant to be pretty much just a freak of the week episode, but it also was one of their requisite "Now You Know" types of societal episodes, outlining that "anyone can be a father (even women apparently, according to Clark), but it takes someone special to be a dad"... But still, is it really so wrong that I enjoyed Leoben as the cruel, demented father? Is it really that wrong that when I saw him making little bunnies or whatever out of glass for his daughter, than I had visions of him and his rapist smile, fucking her tiny tight ass? Is it really that wrong?...

Perhaps I would make the greatest, sickest supervillain of this fucking lame-ass series?...

Still, I actually thought that the father turned out to be a decent villain in the end. I mean, he was absolutely no threat to Clark, as glass of all things would be the least of his concerns (even with a shard sticking right in the throat of his mother)... Even so, Leoben provided a nice symbol of what this Smallville series as a representation of the Superman comics has always been about. He represented relationships with fathers, or how spiteful Jor'el in the series can be at least... And I don't know, but I personally did feel a decent connection in the scene where Clark was comparing that voice-over in the caves to Jonathan Kent, the "dad" who's still fresh in our minds from last week's other-worldly, neighbourhood-friendly hallucinatory trip...

Perhaps I'm a bit too maddened myself, in the same damn way that would get my ass tossed into Belle Reve. But still, I liked what she brought to the series at least... Sure, she made far too much of a leap between being the silent cartographer to becoming the loud mouth bitch braggart, bringing up bastardly topics like Lana fucking Lang. But while her acting did feel forced at times, she also really did seem to look up to Clark Kent in a way that was far more real and emotional than any fucking relationship in Smallville has ever felt before...

Fragile may seem on paper to be just another freak of the week episode, and in many ways it was. But at least it told a strong story, at least Tom Welling actually tried his finest to act for once (and still failed miserably, but I digress), at least Chloe showed some cleavage again, and at least the episode gave me some hope (as small of a shard as it was), that the rest of the fifth season might actually get tolerable from this moment on...

Or will my hopes and dreams simply be dashed and shattered, just like every other fucking Smallville season beforehand?...

Seriously, WTF? The series might just as well be called Mr. Glass then, really... as the writing is anything but unbreakable...

But sigh... at least we'll always have Chloe... at least we'll always (sometimes) have Lois Lane...

I mean seriously, is it really that wrong that I found her so damn cute, with her pinkly little ass to the camera when she was cleaning the windows?...

Well, I am the pervert who still sadly thinks Disney's The Parent Trap is the best movie ever made...

So maybe I just have a hard time and a hard on for any movie or episode with an adorable, little girl in it?...

... sigh... either way, back to just googling pictures of Hermione Granger then, I'm afraid...

I saw this fucking hot waitress chick when my brother took me to Jack Astors for my birthday this week. And I'm telling you, she was smokin' hot, with the fucking face and skin and hips and curves...

But why, oh why must there always be something wrong with the way a woman looks, even to a noname nerd like me?...

She was as flat as a cardboard box. She had no tits, no ass, no cheeks, no nothing...

Sure, I could stare at the fucking bitch sucking my cock all day. But really, what the fuck is there for me to lick and suck on that's sweet and holy in the meantime (well, besides her tight ass pussy, I mean)?...

Because that's exactly the same way I felt about Mercy as an episode. Well, besides the smokin' hot bitch part, at least...

Mercy was decently well written and had some solid acting, but it just didn't seem right, you know?...

Something was missing, and without it? I just couldn't enjoy the episode... because, well?...

"A Toad like, what? The so-called Apex of the series, completely ignoring the fact that Smallville is a failed takeover of a show in the first place? WTF?"

I don't get it. To the point where I'm barely coherent myself, don't you know...

Smallville tried to be smart and witty with their little mind games in Mercy. The key word here though, is that they tried...

Smallville is all about the takeovers, or the copying and stealing of any movie or television show with teen angst written all over it. The problem is, the writers just fail so damn miserably at everything they do try to take, simply because they rarely ever write an episode where any character has a purpose or meaning or a goddam reason to be there...

Lois Lane was great as always, being noticeably absent yet again. As for Chloe, I do love the little cutie outfit she was wearing, but what was really her purpose in this episode? To just sit around and spout technobabble about the evil, psychotic of the week?... With just a few episodes remaining left in the season, I thought that maybe she'd start trying to go for Clark or something, or at least show some of her previous venom towards Lex Luthor. Instead, she acted as if we were back in the third or fourth season again, as the sidekick to both Superman and the evil Lex, completely invisible in the background (except for the Chloe cleavage, of course...)...

Well, at least I should be thanking my lucky stars that Lana fucking Lang was only in a single fucking scene. Yet even I was getting seriously pissed off as hell from her, simply from the fact that she was cock-teasing Lex Luthor with all her own fucking bitch mind games yet again... Seriously, she came alone to his place for a chess game? And she came dressed in a fucking hottie, night slut outfit? What the fuck kind of shitty ass writing is this?... If I were Lex Luthor, I'd slap that bitch for her mixed messages. She's dressing up as a whore just begging for sex, yet she walks out of the mansion as soon as the topic of her fucking sluttiness was finally brought up? WTF?...

Lex Luthor himself was just an enigma. It's just too bad that his enigmaness or whatever, has all been said and seen and done before...

He acted like an enemy with Clark here, claiming that he was hoping that they could one day find some common ground. But weren't they friends just a few episodes before? I really can't remember or keep track of this shit anymore, so whatever... All I do know, is that why must Lex still always seem like the good guy of the series? While Clark was looking like a distrustful asshole with his opinions about the Luthors, at least Lex was actually putting all his effort into finding his father... Is it just me, or were the roles of these two switched in Mercy or some shit like that? Sure, it wouldn't have made sense if Lex had actually set the whole ordeal up, but the show really has to stop painting him as the hero of the goddam story...

Because seriously, what the fuck was up with Clark Kent this episode? Why did he show no mercy towards any of the Luthors, even in a crisis like this?... Yeah, yeah, he did save Lionel's life (even though stopping the elevator instantaneously with his hands should have been no different in sudden impact from the damn thing slamming against the ground... inertial dampening hands for the win?...), but he obviously didn't care about the welfare of the Luthor patriarch one damn bit. He obviously wouldn't have cared one damn bit if the man had died... What kind of shitty ass anti-hero shit is he? Ripping off Batman Begins now, I take it?...

Though WTF? Clark Kent was actually on the same page as I was, accusing Lionel Luthor of staging the whole damn thing?...

But the final scene between the two was decent, if only because John Glover can truly act his way out of a fucking tin can... Clark may have threatened Lionel with his life, while at least keeping in mind some memory of what the Luthors are really all about. But why is it that the writers still make the boy wonder completely forget that Jor'el (or Zod... whatever) once had full control of Lionel Luthor at the start of the season, and probably was still controlling him now?... Why else would the guy be having headaches and quickly writing everything down on paper while he still can? Goddammit, I can almost already hear the damn reset button being rubbed like a fucking clit by the goddam Smallville writers...

Copycat of an episode or not, I will admit one thing. Lionel Luthor always has been and probably always will be the best damn character on the show, and Mercy was made all the better from him and him alone... Martha Kent was a real bitch in the meantime, just whining and complaining as she basically took Lana's spot as the slut in distress. But Lionel actually seemed to show real compassion for her (which is more than I can say for Clark whenever he was with Lana fucking Lang), taking her by the hand and sacrificing all he was just for her (and her son), even if perhaps it was all a ruse in the end...

Now, I will also admit that a few of the torture chamber scenes were decent. The fiery bucket one had my attention, and I kind of felt bad for the poor actress locked in a fucking water cage... On the other hand, the last task in the elevator was predictable as hell, as of course there would be fucking blanks or no ammo in a weapon that Lionel would selflessly sacrifice himself over. And it's not like I gave one damn shit about the generic villain of the week, who was apparently too damn Austin Powers dumbass to even check if his victims actually had died in the fucking elevator shaft or not...

Mercy as a whole was decently well written, with some smart puzzles and great acting between Martha and Lionel Luthor (apparently, the new replacements for Lana and Clark...). But I just couldn't really give a damn about the episode in the end though, thanks to an uber-cliche villain, moronic second helpings from Superman and his crew, and a script stolen straight out of the monster movie of the fucking week...

And fuck, none of the bitches in Mercy were even remotely as fucking smokin' hot as that Jack Astors waif of a waitress was this week. What the fuck kind of shitty ass teen angst show is this then?...

Because if anything? That, along with the moral of this episode, has taught me a very valuable lesson for all my future small Smallville weeks in review... and short story short, that simply is?...

Then again, I really must've been disillusioned at the time. Because, when oh when, has Smallville ever provided even a single sigh of goddam relief?...

"Yet another Smallville stalker shower scene? WTF?... Either way though, I'd hit that. I'd hit that. I'd hit that. I'd hit that. I'd hit that..."

Because sadly? I pretty much equate Fade and its goddam Hitman scenario with how goddam awful all those fucking, goddam PSP commercials are on TV...

Seriously, why the hell did we get yet another standard fare freak of the week episode at this point in the season? And a dumbass one at that... Why did he just bury Clark outside of The Talon (where apparently there just happens to be a huge tuff of dirt that anyone can step on)? Why not take him for a ride in his car, and just shoot him in the fucking head?... And in the final bout with Lex? What kind of moronic hitman walks right into a room by opening the door himself, making it completely obvious when he entered and where the fuck he is. And then apparently was too damn dumbass to even duck from fucking bullet shots (as evidenced by a fucking wound to the goddam gut)? WTF?...

Well, it's not like Clark was any smarter. A battle of brilliant wits, this was not... I loved how it took forever for Clark to even think about using his super-hearing to track down the invisible hitman, let alone actually even attempt to use his fucking X-Ray vision. And why the fuck doesn't he just ever throw a fucking object at his enemy, just in case the guy has fucking kryptonite on him?... It was moronic at best how Clark and Chloe were openly discussing his meteor rock weakness in the Daily Planet, not just because a fucking invisible hitman can be a "fly on the wall", but also because there are fucking tons of reporters around them. What the fuck kind of dumbass people are they?...

Well, Chloe was decently cute again at least. And I kind of got the impression, that she was hoping that Clark would "move on" from Lana with her instead... Of course, that didn't amount to anything in the end. And at this late stage of the season? I seriously doubt we'll get anything between the two of them besides maybe a few "oh shit" looks, that will eventually get me to hate even Chloe cleavage as much as I despise Lana's fucking scrunched, constipated, Renee Zellwinger face...

Lana is the fucking whore you can hit over and over again inside, apparently. I love how she blames Clark for lying to her all the time, yet is dating the supreme evil asshole of Lex Luthor (who she knows has tried to fuck over the world in the past)... Didn't she completely avoid Lex last week? And yet now they're sucking face and probably going down together since she's obviously worn out all the batteries on her bunny-fanged vibrator? Talk about a fucking cock-tease of a schizophrenic rebound whore. WTF?...

I just couldn't help but fucking roll my eyes at just how "noble" she thought she was being with her "oh shit" Clark moments at the end of the episode. Yet, you know what the saddest thing was though? Being in a such bad mood myself while watching this episode, I kind of almost could relate to the bitch when she was bitching in the barn... Clark is like a sick stalker of a hitman when it comes to Lana, afterall. He left her, he dumped her. Sure he obviously cares about her still, but she's a "big titty girl" as Chloe might say (or not). She can make her own choices, failures and fucking misforgivings. And if she wants to date Lex, then that's her fucking whorish, horrible decision to make...

And you see? That's where the MWAHAHA hitman villain of the week went wrong. If he really wanted to help Clark, it wasn't Lex he should've fucked over with the fishes. It was Lana fucking Lang...

But then again, this was coming from the same moron who apparently was dumb enough to become visible again just to choke Lex Luthor, exposing his identity in the process. WTF?...

At least Lex Luthor had a few moments. The thing is, Michael Rosenbaum has always been a great actor. It's just that, the writing is so fucking all over the wall when it comes to his character, that it's simply goddam ridiculous... Smallville is absolutely schizophrenic. We all know that Lex is lying through his teeth most of the time, but he still seems mostly sincere about becoming friends with Clark again, and with protecting Lana from goddam fucking bullets (his one weakness, I suppose)...

... though I suppose the latter is what makes him evil in the eyes of most fans...

Sure, Lex can go off the edge at any moment, but he's actually trying to be nice and compassionate. Meanwhile, Clark keeps making the guy go fucking batshit, Batman insane. If anything, the fifth season of the show has shown that Lex has the potential to be a good man, yet assholes like Clark and Chloe just refuse to put any faith in the guy. WTF?...

Let's face it. Clark was a total complete dumbass in Fade, to the point where I pretty much saw him as the fucking true villain of the show... First, he saves the next great hitman from death. Then he saves the next fucking Hitler yet again by catching the bullet meant for Lex fucking Luthor... Even worse, he stopped the bullet that could've killed Lana fucking Lang. Sure, a true hero will save lives first and ask questions later. But what the fuck is wrong with the guy? Just fucking let Lana die already, and then we can all be happy...

He had some decent scenes with Lois in the end though, enough to salvage this episode somewhat, I suppose. Obviously, the stalker shower scene was cliche as hell, but even I snickered at Clark just standing there like a deer in the headlights at the fucking naked Lois Lane. I know I would've had the same reaction, as any fucking bitch on TV should've been smart enough to just put on a goddam towel...

I expected at least some more comedy at the end of the episode though, when Martha was lecturing Lois about the fine wine of men (as if Ms. Kent wasn't fucking whoring it up with Lionel Luthor in the background). I expected the ever cliche sitcom moment, of Clark coming in through the door right when Lois was saying she'd find the right man, only for her to tell the jackass to buzz off or some shit like that...

Like I said, that would've been cliche and predictable as hell. But it would've made me laugh still, you know?...

"Apparently, my town was hit by an earthquake yesterday. And my own street intersection was apparently the fucking epicentre of it all...

It was around 10:40 am Thursday morning when I was just surfing the net (as if I had something better to do), and then heard a fucking large "thud" coming from the house. My first instinct was that my lumbering brother had haplessly fallen out of bed or some crap like that, so I checked on him. But nothing seemed out of the ordinary... except that he was drooling like a fool on the floor, as can be expected...

Apparently, a massive earthquake of magnitude 2.6 on the Richter Scale had impacted my house that Thursday morning...

But even though I miraculously survived and lived to tell the tale of it? That morning, even after the monumental event, I still never would've guessed that a fucking earthquake had actually hit...

"Jonathan Kent from beyond the grave orders Clark to avenge his death? WTF is this? Hamlet?... Because we all know, Smallville is anything but Shakespeare..."...

Oracle itself was a decent episode, as pretty much every fucking hour of the series that actually devotes itself to the Zod story arc turns out be. But seriously, how often do the writers even remember that they're fucking writing for the most legendary comic book character ever created? You can literally string together every single decent Superman moment in the entire Smallville series, and end up with a brilliant two hour movie in the end...

Without a shadow of a fucking doubt, most of the crap that would get left out on the cutting room floor involves Lana fucking Lang. And surprise surprise, it doesn't take an oracle to realize that she was the greatest goddam fault line of this goddam episode... I mean, why the fuck is she being so pissy? She's concerned about privacy in her dorm room, yet she shares the place with Chloe (Clark's friend), not to mention the fact that a) she's a whore, and b) her front door has a fucking huge gaping window in it? WTF?...

Lana was bitchy and clueless as hell in Oracle. Didn't she kind of realize that Lex playing around with a vaccine from an evil alien is perhaps not such a great idea, yet she seemed to just go completely along with the plan?... I was shocked in that scene that Lex actually seemed to have the intelligence to realize that Milton Fine was playing him for a fool. But I was anything but surprised, that Lana Lang in the meantime had no fucking idea what the fuck was going on... And later on, she doesn't even question a single fucking thing about what happened with Lex in the laboratory, yet continually just kept yammering on and on against her super-stalker of a boyfriend? WTF?...

And what was it that Lois Lane said? That Clark had dumped a "hot, smart, fun" chick or some shit like that?...

Sure, I wouldn't mind if Lane and Lana had fucking gotten it on. But since I didn't see a single fucking lesbian kiss? Then what the fuck was Lois thinking? WTF was that Lane bitch smoking?...

Lois Lane herself just sort of felt tacked onto this episode. She really had no defined role, as being Lana's gal-pal just didn't seem right. Since when did she ever go for "hot, smart, fun" chicks in the same mold as Lana in the first place? If anything, her description of a real woman was far more accurate when it came down to her own cousin, Chloe... Even Lois' big ol' Harley speech at the end just felt forced. We all know that she's the village bicycle that Clark (and everyone else) is waiting for, but did we really need a eye-rolling moment between the two when Clark actually admitted that she somehow knows him better than anyone else? It's like fucking Lana and Clark all over again with the piss poor writing all over the cave walls. WTF?...

And I felt bad for Ms. Chloe Sullivan this episode, I really did. Not only did she get doozy off of Lois' rum cake (which I assumed was her cousin's plan all along, considering she seemed really into "hot, smart, fun" chicks this episode around...), but her whole world was flipped upside down when it came to Lionel Luthor... I also don't get why the fuck Chloe was needed to flip the pages of all that Kryptonian crap that Lionel Luthor had written while in a headache of a trance. I mean, can't Clark just instinctively read Kryptonian? Why the fuck would it take a fucking massive computer algorithm just to point out three fucking letters written in FUCKING GODDAM ENGLISH?...

The thing is, we know he's possessed. I think the glowing white eyes thing and the magical touch of the hand at least points out that there's a goddam Goa'uld parasite inside of the guy...

But is he being controlled by Jor'el (the real Jor'el) or Zod? Is he really good or evil? Bah, hell if I know at this point... All I do know, is that I will be severely disappointed if Lionel Luthor turns out to be the saving grace of a father figure for Clark in the end. It'd be a complete cop-out of everything his character ever stood for during the past five years, and a complete waste of evil misdirection from the writers for the first half of the current season as well (for God's sake, he blackmailed Jonathan Kent until the man fucking died from beating Lionel's ass too much...)...

And it was too obvious in Oracle right from the start that Jonathan Kent was no ghost. What wasn't obvious, was why Clark was too fucking dumb to use his X-ray vision, superhearing or even his fucking superspeed and sight to notice that it was just fucking Milton Fine playing mind tricks with the fog of war... I did like some of the camera angles the director chose with shadowing and crap like that. But the WB has never had a problem with copying cheapass slasher films, but rather producing decent scripts with realistic characters that we actually do like...

As a result, Martha Kent was truly a dumbass bitch in Oracle. Not only did she pretty much admit that she has feelings for Lionel to her fucking deadass husband, but she never really once questioned why Jonathan would demand that Clark take Lionel's life?... Sure, I guess she was heart-broken that apparently Lionel had caused the death of her husband. But I just felt sorry for the actress, as she just waddled there with absolutely nothing to say as Lionel strolled right into the Kent residence and made up some fucking lameass excuse for why Pa Kent's heart went out...

Ma Kent just seems too much like a damsel in distress, or too much like a fucking helpless, tragic hero. Meanwhile, Clark is simply too fucking stupid to do anything but sit on his hands and procrastinate, even with a supervillain mad dashing about the globe with a fucking supervirus in his hands...

The series really could've done a lot more with this shapeshifting Brainiac. Still, at least we got a decent battle out of it all, even though Clark should've barely ever been intimidated by a flying fucking tractor of all things (except for the cost of replacing it, that is)... It was ridiculously moronic and unnecessary for Milton Fine to reappear just when Clark was actually going to kill Lionel Luthor for him. Of course, then logic overrides the AI and asks, why the hell couldn't Brainiac have just killed Lionel Luthor himself?... Was it because the entity possessing John Glover could kill Milton Fine with a single touch? Or was Milton Fine actually working for the man at hand?...

Well, at least we got a decent scene of Lex Luthor versus a T-1000. Apparently, the T-1000 always wins...

And Oracle indeed turned out to be a decent episode in the end, if only because it was a nice set-up for the season finale next week. I mean, I'm curious as to what the fuck really is controlling Lionel Luthor, I want to know what the fuck Brainiac is planning with the supervirus (most likely just as blackmail for Clark to release Zod though... uggh...), and of course, what the fuck was the purpose of the vaccine he pumped into Lex?...

A super serum of super semen? Was Lex Luthor modified to be zodified or some shit like that? WTF?...

Why the fuck couldn't the writers have just developed this kind of story arc over the entire fucking season? WTF?...

But if anything? Even though I do miss having Jonathan Kent on the show (although the actor himself seems to have more of a role in the series now that his character is dead, ironically...), I do admit that season five has been strengthened by his absence...

The baseball tickets here were a simple little gesture, but they really gave Tom Welling a chance to have real teen angst that a viewer like me can actually give a damn about. It was a touching parting gift from his father, a nice contrast to the rum cake and all, and if anything, it did deliver that fabled Lois and Clark scene in the end which apparently some on the internet actually liked...

I mean, kicking off one of the only decent actors on the show actually improved the quality of the series as a whole?...

And who the hell is willing to hedge their bets on the season finale for the year?...

Last year's finale for Smallville was decent, and I for one expect more of the same from Vessel this coming week...

But if anything, at the very least? This week, as a set-up for the only real story-arc in the series that matters?...

While still flawed, Oracle was indeed a solid epicentre for a Smallville episode on the whole..."

And sadly, my smile has almost absolutely nothing to do with the season finale episode of Vessel that aired yesterday...

"Lex with superpowers and a trenchcoat? WTF? Who the fuck does he think he is? Neo?... I half expected him to fly up into the air and into the screen at the end. WTF?"...

And, well... I just hope that the sixth season of Smallville turns out better than the fucking sequels to The Matrix did, that's all...

The thing is, yesterday's episode was a decent season finale. It just didn't come close to matching last year's cliffhanger, which introduced the Fortress of Solitude amongst a massive meteor shower of biblical proportions and Kryptonian origins, that's all...

I thought that this year's season finale of Smallville would at least introduce Zod. You know, the real Zod, not this fake Lex bullshit crap. I'm taking about The Wizard of Oz kind of guy behind the Fortress of Solitude and shit like that... Why else would the writers have casted Terrence Stamp as the voice of Jor'el right from the get go? Even though I've only glimpsed the original Superman movies in passing, even I found it completely odd and ironic that Terrence Stamp here was talking about Zod, without actually being Zod... or at least, not technically yet, he ain't...

Instead, we sort of got the showdown we all sort of wanted between Lex and Clark. And as Kevin Spacey may say?...

Sadly, I preferred the movie of the same name to the so-called epic battle we did get between the two former best friends. Afterall, Lex was a complete pussy here, getting tossed around like a Havoc engine rag doll despite his newfound superpowers. And the sad thing is, we all know that the reset button will be pressed eventually, and that he will completely forget everything that has happened as soon as Zod is removed from his body...

I choose to believe that Zod (or Jor'el, whatever you want to call him) in the Fortress of Solitude had tricked Clark into releasing his spirit. That old skool knife from horrible Smallville episodes long past finally made a return, and most likely would've released Zod whether Clark had used it as advertised on Lex or not. Why else would Fine be taking a gamble on Clark "sacrificing the vessel"?...

I don't get why Clark had to be the one to throw the knife though, even if his real father had designed it that way for some damn reason. Couldn't the BRAIN Inter-Active Construct just have stabbed himself in the fake heart, just for shits and giggles?... But I guess I was impressed with good ol' Milton Fine either way this episode, as he proved to be a pretty badass villain for perhaps the first real time in the entire season. His taunting of Clark when it came to his Lana fucking Lang love life was more than appropriate, and James Marsters just looked campy and ridiculously ridiculous as hell as the evil pilot flying Martha and Lois Lane to the Fortress of Solitude for whatever damn reason...

And it was about goddam time that a super-fucking computer AI from Krypton laid waste to our own primitive computer systems and shit like that. Although considering even Chloe of all people could hack through any of our security nets within five seconds flat? I guess it ain't so much of an achievement for Brainiac to go one step further...

I really hated the results of the supervirus on the cities of the world though. I mean, just a few hours into a motherfucking blackout, and riots start tearing apart with tear gas every single damn street? Where the fuck was I when the state of New York and my own province of Ontario had no power or computers for two fucking weeks a few summers ago, and yet the most violence I ever heard was a few tossed bottles here and there?... What the fuck was that shit going on in Vessel? Was it rape time when it came to Chloe laid out on her bare back in front of that rioting gang? Is this supposed to be fucking Resident Evil Smallville or some Alias season finale shit like that? WTF?...

In the meantime, I really, really ridiculously don't get what the writers are trying to prove with Lana Lang here. Not only did she dress as a pimply tramp all episode long (hell, wasn't that the same tank top that Buffy the Vampire Slayer used to wear all the time?), but then she blindly just tore away at Clark for relational shit while the world was being laid to waste? WTF?... How the fuck selfish can she really be? Was it actually supposed to be romantic, how she met with Lex on the rooftop Sleepless-in-Seattle style, while not giving one single damn about all the people getting fucking hurt and murdered down below?...

And the bitch doesn't even notice she's now making out with the supreme evil lord of the universe? She can't tell a difference? She doesn't even care? She thinks Zod is hot? WTF?...

You'd think with the movie history that Erica Durance has, she'd be the one slutting it up with every fucking guy on the show (and maybe she does, behind the scenes...). But on the show itself instead, the most that ever happens with her is the fact that her mouth never closes, as she pretty much said nothing but complete nonsense this whole episode through... There was absolutely no point to having either Martha Kent or Lois Lane in Vessel whatsoever, except as cliffhanger cannon fodder for whatever Brainiac (and perhaps even Lion-El) are planning for next season. The most I can surmise is that they'd be used as hostages to force Clark to release the real Zod... as in Terrence Stamp, whenever the actor is truly ready to kick ass and take names...

Chloe didn't have much to do, as you can't really do much hacking when all your fucking software tools just print out the word, "Zod". Still, I actually found her moment with Clark to be kinda cute, even moreso than the usual Chloe cleavage that we get... The kiss was a bit awkward, as can be expected, but was long overdue between the both of them. The way that Chloe kept gently stroking Clark's chin even after the moment was so damn heart-warming, and just so much more adorable than any so-called romantic shit that Lana fucking Lang ever pulled off...

What was hilarious though, was that despite how much Chloe was into Clark, staring hopelessly deep into his eyes? Clark just didn't give a damn about her, barely even holding her waist like a fucking blow-up doll of a prom date, while he kept eyeing the ring of the phone as if it was the target of his goddam teen angst...

I was disappointed in Tom Welling for the most part, as the most acting we got out of the guy was him staring delusionally at Lana Lang being a fucking bitch again. And what the fuck kind of moron keeps talking about murdering someone in the fucking news room of a goddam newspaper?... I was hoping for some sort of epic battle here in Vessel, yet my hopes were simply laid barren to waste. The most that happened here was Clark being too dumbass to even hold onto Lex as he was pulled into the Phantom Zone hourglass, and I actually cheered when the idiot was sent tumbling into deep space as the clueless son of a bitch he really is...

The guy deserves it, for trying to fuck over Lex Luthor while refusing to ever fuck Chloe Sullivan. WTF is wrong with him?...

Lex did his part in Vessel, proving to be the true villain of the story, even if he was a waste of space in the final battle itself. Well, I guess he was the villain, considering he did seem intent on pushing Clark to the limit with all his taunts and all... But then again, let's look at this from a logical point of view. Wasn't Clark going to kill an innocent man, as Lex technically hadn't done anything truly evil yet after getting his powers? Wasn't Clark really the sick freak who lies all the time, and stalks Lana Lang with his own fucking superpowers? Isn't Clark really the reason why the whole world was going down the shitter? Who really is the villain of the story then?...

I still have an itch of a feeling though, that Lex has just been brainwashed to think he's Zod for the time being. The real Zod should still be in the Fortress of Solitude, and I think that both Milton Fine and Lionel Luthor know this... I refuse to believe that John Glover's talents would be wasted on being a good guy. Now, it's possible that he's inhabited by the real spirit of Jor'el, sure. But I just find that completely unlikely, as he did technically kill Jonathan Kent (and threatened to do so long before, near the start of the season)...

Terrence Stamp must make an appearance on the show sometime, and I'm sure it will be kickass as hell when Lionel is by his side...

... or I can look like a complete fool when all my theories turn out to be wrong, but whatever...

In the end though, Vessel did what any good season finale of a series should do...

... and it left me waiting in anticipation, for whatever the cluster-fuck happens to Clark in the sixth season of the show...

Now, I was disappointed that Vessel was nowhere near as amazing of an experience as last year's season finale was...

... and I was also disappointed, that Clark never laid a beating on fucking Neo from The Matrix either, but that's besides the point...

The point is though, that at least this episode achieved one thing that Smallville as a series rarely ever does?...

It proved to be a fine vessel, for the spirit of the Superman comics to inhabit and be brought to life on screen...

But even so? Well, for the fifth season at least, that about wraps it up for Smallville...

... with my small Smallville weeks in review, the very moment that Smallville returns...