IvanF's Noname Archived Reviews for the Sixth Season of Smallville (2006-2007)...

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- IvanF's No-Name Archived Reviews for
The Sixth Season of Smallville (2006 - 2007) -

- IvanFian Last Updated: September 8th, 2007
- Notable Episodes: Zod, Arrow, Justice, Combat, Prototype, Phantom
- Best Episode of the Season: Labyrinth

"Clark Kent gets beaten down by Dementors? Goddammit, what's next? Harry Potter kicks Superman's ass? WTF?"...

Uggh... I guess an entire summer off from Smallville made me as much of idealist as Jor'el was, because I actually had high hopes that the episode "Zod" would be goddam decent...

In the end though, when it came to the end of the world? What we got instead, was about as fucking bad as Star Wars: The Phantom Menace...

Seriously, what the fuck was with the Phantom Zone here? The writers threw long time Superman fans a few bones here and there, with the mention of 28 inhabited galaxies for instance. But why the fuck couldn't they have just made the place even remotely interesting? I know it's a desolate wasteland of a prison, but why didn't they keep Clark Kent fighting for his life there for several episodes? Why not extend the whole thing into an arc, rather than just fucking reset the whole damn thing after just five fucking minutes in hell? Why the fuck does Clark with his fucking "oh shit" looks always gets the easy way out? WTF?...

Goddammit, who here actually was surprised that by the end of this episode, Lex had lost his powers and memory, Lana had been knocked out before Clark showed off his abilities, Lois Lane was too dumbass to realize what had happened in the fortress, Chloe and Clark still didn't end up together, and the whole world after nearly tearing itself apart is suddenly perfectly okay and civilized again? Honestly, who here actually doesn't expect all this shit from every fucking goddam Smallville episode there is? WTF?...

And WTF was up with Raya? Sure, the bitch was semi-hot, but goddam was she about as goddam bright as a real residential Lana Lang. Seriously, what the fuck was the point of her goddam self sacrifice, when every single goddam prisoner in the Phantom Zone goddam escaped along with Clark anyhew? How the fuck did she help? WTF?...

Uggh... I guess an entire summer off really did make me forget the goddam perpetual stupidity ever perpetuated by this goddam series...

And goddam, is Lana ever a fucking slut. First, she tries to stab her man in the back like any good bitch would, as if a fucking poker stick would actually have any damn effect on a man who's already proven that he's fucking bulletproof. Then she goes all apeshit horny on him, striving for the whole nine yards by offering nine fucking heirs all at once. And then what does she do, but actually attack Zod again, this time with a teeny tiny knife? Her first fucking attack failed miserably thanks to his super reflexes, so what the fuck possessed her into thinking her second attack would be any damn different? WTF?...

Well, at least she got a fucking sword driven right through her palm. Yes, I laughed. Now, I would recommend that it rather be stuck up her fucking ass, but she'd probably have enjoyed that, so...

Chloe, I was hoping would actually show some potential. The thing is, how did she go from being so much in love with Clark last season, to suddenly being completely infatuated with Jimmy Olsen after just about a couple fucking hours of Smallville time? The entire episode was just her trying to look cute for the camera, as she dates X3 Iceman's twin brother for God knows what reason. Sure, it would have been ridiculously funny to watch Clark pine over Chloe for a change in any earlier season, but I'm just sick and tired of all this teen angst bullshit crap in the series. And where the fuck was the Chloe cleavage? Am I just not getting the team cleavage e-mails anymore or some shit like that?...

Do I even need to mention Lois Lane? She was unconscious the whole episode through in the fucking Antarctic, yet she didn't even seem fazed at all by fucking hypothermia. And why the fuck did Brainiac bring her and Martha Kent to the fucking Fortress of Solitude in the first place? It made no fucking sense. Considering he was the fucking big bad last season, you'd think he would've taken them to the fucking Temple of Doom first rather than the one place that could actually save their asses and save the world. WTF?...

I really don't get what was with Jor'el this episode. Was he Zod? Because you'd think so, if you realize that a) he disappeared as soon as Zod was vanquished to the Phantom Zone again, and b) he has acted like goddam Zod for six fucking years. But then again, why the fuck was he so goddam nice to Lois and Ma Kent? If he was Zod, why the fuck would he tell them about the weapon that could kill his own vessel, and then transport them both back safely to Smallville to retrieve it?...

Why the fuck did he suck up to Martha so much, about being the best shining beacon of light of a mother that he could've ever hoped for his son? Is it because the damn guy is just so horny as hell, being locked away without his bits and pieces for ages, and knows just how much of a slut Martha is to anyone she even remotely begins to goddam trust? WTF?...

Goddam, what the fuck have they done to the series? Mother Kent in this episode was just a fucking damsel in distress for Lionel fucking Luther, who used to be the best damn character on the show until he suddenly became wussified beyond belief. Is he still connected to Jor'el or Zod or whoever the fuck was using him as an Oracle? Who the fuck knows? Does anyone even care? And isn't it all just sad that old man Luthor kicked more Smallville ass at the beginning of the episode than Clark Kent ever fucking managed to achieve? WTF?...

There was only one damn scene that I enjoyed in Zod, and that quite frankly was the big time action scene. For once, the Smallville writers actually made the series feel like an actual extension of the Superman comics, by having a truly epic battle that was only broken by a) Clark Kent being a completely battered wuss, and b) the fucking cheapass, styrofoam rock that was fucking split in half. Though I guess, the only real problem with that battle was that the ending was a complete goddam cop-out. Seriously, how the fuck was Clark supposed to know that the thingy that Raya gave him would trap Zod in the Phantom Zone? Did I just miss the Jor'el-Secretary e-mail CC's in the Kryptonian office about this shit or some crap like that? Where the fuck was my notice? WTF?...

Now, I will give Michael Rosenbaum all the credit in the world for doing the best he could as Zod, but that doesn't mean he still wasn't goddam shit in the role. Maybe it was because the whole Zod storyline was wrapped up in one fucking episode here or something, but I just wasn't threatened by the man who destroyed Krypton whatsoever. I mean seriously, first he pines over Lana fucking Lang of all bitches, then is dumb enough to destroy his only indestructible ship and stop his only unstoppable computer virus, just so he could reprogram a goddam weakass Pentagon satellite that probably even the International Space Station could take out if they wanted? WTF?...

What the fuck was his plan, to make New Krypton? What the fuck kind of dumb ass shit did the writers steal that idea from?...

"Lana Lang loves watching herself get naked? Again and again and again? Normally, I'd be turned on by this, but what a fucking bitch. WTF?"...

Last week, her boyfriend was taken over by an alien from another world and almost caused the end of humanity. This week, her boyfriend gets captured and fucking shot in the arm, and later risked his very life to protect her. And then how does the bitch reward him? Not even with a thank-you blow job or any shit like that, but by watching herself get naked over and over and over again on the fucking monitor screen, then bitching him out about it later? WTF?...

Poor Lex. I feel so damn sorry for him. Well, I wasn't sorry that he was maimed and tortured by that loser Sheriff from the Scary Movie flicks or some shit like that. I did feel sorry for him though, that he has to put up with Lana fucking Lang in his fucking life after the hell he went through with Zod. I mean seriously, what self respecting man wouldn't pimp slap his bitch and tell her to shut the fuck up as she was giving him "the look" and "the glare" while fucking driving and escaping the clutches of whoever the fuck was following them? How the fuck can he put up with this shit? God, no wonder he turns into a bloody hell supervillain in the end. Wouldn't anyone if they dated Lana fucking Lang?...

Was Lana Lang's supreme bitchiness this episode supposed to make Lois Lane look better or some shit like that? Sure, Lois caught my eye as she was running through Smallville in her tight fit workout top, but her acting? I know that Erica Durance can do better than the crap she was given in this episode (I must see The Butterfly Effect 2, afterall...), because WTF was that bullshit about her being the happiest ever in her life? At least the writers released how cheesy that line was by making Clark and Chloe roll their own eyes along with the rest of the crowd, but seriously? Smallville has had three years to properly develop Lois' character into an actual reporter, and only really now do they shove it in both her face and our own? WTF?...

And seriously, how the fuck dumb can she be? The way she's written, she wouldn't even realize the truth about Clark if she was hit by the goddam broad side of a barn...

Alright, so perhaps that's the way that Lois Lane has always been, even if she does seem a bit too clueless on screen for her own good. Then again, at least her dumbfoundedness does sometimes bring about a few good scenes. Oddly enough, probably the only moment I did like in the entire episode, was when Chloe was actually trying to prove to Lois that a fucking barn door flying out of fucking nowhere, was somehow a natural "weathher tornadoe" of an occurrence. Because sadly, that was the same damn explanation I would've used. Go figure...

Chloe was the only saving grace of Sneeze, as she personally has never been one to sneeze at. Her hair was absolutely cute as hell in this episode, and who the fuck can ever argue against the Chloe cleavage? It was nice that the writers finally remembered that they do have a decent character on the cast and crew, and they used her to their full advantage. They gave her little quips about Clark's breath and garlic, gave her lovely banter when it came to poor Superman having the sniffles, and who the fuck wouldn't want to fly their kite right into her smile (and a whole lot more...) by the end of the episode?...

Unfortunately, one decent character doth not a decent episode make, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. It was supposed to be Clark's time to shine, both figuratively and literally, as the make-up artists sure did make him glisten along with the sweat of having a cold. It's just that, while Sneeze was meant to be a comedic episode, it certainly doesn't help when the lead actor isn't even the least bit funny at all. Tom Welling didn't even really seem sick at all, faking his sneezes and being too damn dumb to not just sit in the fucking Sun for half the damn day to recover. He's fucking Superman for crying out loud, and he should damn well know that trying to regenerate his body at night is not the way to keep his goddam batteries charged. Honestly, doesn't he ever read goddam comic books? WTF?...

I cared more for his mom's chicken soup than I did for his plight. Of course, normally when Clark Kent in the series temporarily loses one of his abilities, he quickly gains another to compensate. The introduction of his super-breath thankfully avoided the god-awful "freeze breath" shit that I personally could never stand from the comics, and I do admit that the effect of him "huffing and puffing" and blowing Pontius Pilate's door down was actually decently done CG-wise. But why the hell Lex and Lana never get a fucking clue that maybe their miraculous saves at the very last second just may be caused by the same fucking man who's always going around asking questions about their whereabouts, I may never know...

I also don't have a fucking clue how Clark can constantly keep using his fucking super speed in Lex's mansion without ever being caught, even though supposedly Luthor has a ton of cameras everywhere on his fucking premise. But bah, whatever. What do I know, right?...

As for the other Luthor, I tried to enjoy Lionel's performance this episode. But not only does the man deserve a bitch slapping for becoming such a pussy on the show, but I couldn't goddam help but laugh at just how far down he was dragged into the acting dredges by the goddam Oliver Twist of the episode...

Because why the fuck should we ever care about the Green Arrow, when a) the comic book character sucks ass, and b) the person who played Oliver here couldn't fucking act out of a fucking paper bag? The effect of hitting the Daily Planet with an arrow was decent, but it just doesn't work when I know I will be forced to watch yet another episode next week, staring the same goddam idiot here who sounded like he dropped out of drama class in goddam grade school. It's like watching Colin Farrell play Bullseye again, except the fucking accent has been replaced by even worse fucking acting. How is that even possible? WTF?...

Because short story short, besides the few sparse moments here and there, where Chloe was actually there to save the day from the so-called "heroes" of the series?...

"The writers got bored of ripping off bad Marvel comic book villains, so they decided to rip off bad DC ones too? Poison Ivy, WTF?..."

Oh dear God, was Gloria one of the worst ever villains I have ever endured in my goddam life, and that's saying a hell of a lot considering all of the freaks of the week we've already been through after five goddam seasons of the show. Seriously, how the fuck could a stupid power ranger of a bitch destroy an entire alien world, yet get beaten down by Clark Kent and a tiny surge of electricity in literally five seconds flat? Didn't anyone on her goddam planet ever try the fucking electric chair or any shit like that? WTF?...

Seriously, the only redeeming part of Wither, was that Gloria was glamourously and gloriously hot and sexy. But even that couldn't save the series from yet another mediocre offering in a goddam embarrassing season, even by Smallville's usual standards. And that's saying a hell of a lot...

I mean, seriously? Seeding her spores in men? WTF is this? Species II? Only worse? WTF?...

And why on earth has the show brought in Oliver Queen? Not only is the Green Arrow one of the worst superheroes ever concocted, but the actor they chose to play the role is one of the worst pieces of drama queen shit I've ever endured outside of the goddam Star Wars prequel trilogy. Seriously, what the fuck kind of shit ass writing is this? Everyone can tell it's Oliver Queen behind the mask at a costume party, yet are completely oblivious when he's the actual goddam Green Arrow? What the fuck is the difference? WTF?...

Well, then again, this is the series where in the future, nobody can tell it's Clark as Superman, even though he hasn't worn glasses for his entire goddam life so far. But whatever...

There was literally no character in the entire show that I gave a shit about in this episode. I mean seriously, why oh why, couldn't the writers have at least replaced Lana Lang in Wither with Reese Witherspoon or some bitch like that who can actually act, and act cute? Instead, we got more teen angst from Lana fucking Lang, boasting how she was too trusting of men in her previous relationships, when all she did with Clark in the past was whine and bitch about his goddam secrets. How the fuck is that supposed to be trusting? And how the fuck is she not supposed to look like a whore wearing that goddam awful Cleopatra make-up? Who the fuck was she really trying to be? Catwoman? WTF?...

God, I feel so damn sorry for Lex. He finally laid down the law with fucking Lana, telling her to shove it where the sun don't shine (as in, her finger up his ass), and the bitch finally came in line and showed her naked body as the whore that she really is. The thing is though, how long will it really last, this good fortune of his on a Friday the 13th? We all know that he's going to go batshit evil and insane the moment that he realizes that yes, while he may not be quite evil (yet), Lana Lang sure as fucking frozen hell is...

That costume of Cleopatra was definitely dead on, as that Lana Lang bitch really is the downfall of the greatest of men. Now, I have no clue who the fuck Lex was supposed to be, whether it was Caesar or Mark Antony or even goddam Alexander the Great for all I fucking know of the intelligence of the writers. All we do know is that Lex, as sure as all those guys from history were, is and will be completely goddam fucked. Sure, he enjoys it now, but it's only a matter of time until he blames the world and hates Clark Kent for ruining his life with that goddam bitch of a whore...

Lois Lane as well was a lost cause, considering she was stuck with fucking Anakin Oliver Shitty McQueen. Now normally, this is the part where I compliment Chloe as the only real saving grace of the series. Problem is, the writers have decided to butcher her character too thanks to her goddam teen angsty relationship with fucking Jimmy Olsen, to the point where they even had the cliche Halloween horror flick moment with a dead body at make-out point. The rest of the episode was just the two of them whining and complaining and being a goddam couple and shit like that. Why the fuck should we care? Besides seeing Clark writhe in agony, not just because of all the vines sticking themselves up his ass, but also at the fact that Chloe has indeed become the new fucking Lana Lang of the first season of the show. WTF?...

And oh, Clark. Do I really need to comment on him at all? It's sad that I really have absolutely nothing to say about the lead actor of a goddam television series, but seriously? The guy ended off the episode as a fucking loner playing with his goddam fucking balls in a goddam gay barn. What a fucking loser...

He should've hit it with Gloria when he had the chance. He saved her from the Phantom Zone afterall. Shouldn't he at least get a fucking reward? Shit, I'd let that bitch wrap herself all around me, and let the sparks fly as they're shoved all the way straight up her dainty little ass...

But since that was unfortunately not the case? What else can I really do, but blame the fucking demi-gods for cursing me on the week of a Friday the 13th, with an episode that was so goddam teen angsty and so totally a complete and utter embarrassment of my time?...

Seriously, goddammit, when will my luck change? Why can't the series just wither and die already? WTF?...

The thing is, I honestly expected Arrow to suck ass just like every other hour of the series has been for God knows how long. I mean seriously, what else could you possibly reasonably expect from the same writers who fucking brought us Species IV: Wither just last week? WTF?...

But you know what was most surprising to me, as if I had just found out some superhero's secret identity or some shit like that?...

"The Green Arrow was... good?... You mean, I actually liked an episode with a teen angst wannabe in a fucking green hood? WTF?..."

But seriously, I couldn't believe my eyes. Now obviously, Arrow pales in comparison to the best episodes that I normally enjoy from other television series. But when comparing to just the rest of Smallville itself? Arrow was not just up there with Run and Commencement as one of the best episodes in recent years, but it also ranks up there with the latter two as the only good episodes of recent years. WTF?...

Now, the actor who plays Oliver Queen has been absolute shit for the past few weeks, as the guy simply can't emote or act. But ironically enough, or appropriately enough, he did a damn fine job of emulating a stiff, teen angsty superhero with an arrow shoved up his ass. Now sure, I laughed at times at just how goddam ridiculous all his crap CG arrow effects looked. Because seriously, how the fuck could a fucking arrow ever hit a bullet out of thin air, or how in the blue hell can a goddam single shaft of titanium toss a fat ass Lee Adama bastard across an entire room, I will never know. But physics aside, I actually enjoyed the Green Arrow here for what he was worth, as his first encounter with Clark Kent in the laser light room was one of the most artistic things that the series has ever produced before...

Sure, I cringed at every single moment that Lois Lane and the Green Arrow spent together, as the cliche comic book romance between them just didn't flat out work with Oliver McShit trying to do the goddam acting. But at least I could see at least some glimpses of why this actor was chosen in the first place for the part, if only when he was talking to Clark. All the speeches about good and wrong and helping the world instead of waiting for it to come to him, were exactly what the series has been missing for six fucking goddam years. I can't even remember the last time I felt a tingle down my spine as the ending credits for Smallville begin to roll, but I do have to admit here and now, that the writers did a damn fine job planting the first seeds of the goddam Justice League. And it's about bloody hell time...

There's just one dumbass thing bugging me though. Oliver Queen talked about Clark's "potential", but what the fuck kind of potential could he have seen when Clark couldn't even find the asshole again after a momentary distraction from a goddam taser of an arrow? How the fuck could Superman ever lose sight of a fucking regular human when he has fucking superspeed, goddam super hearing, and goddam x-ray vision? How the fuck could he have let the Green Arrow get away? WTF?...

Okay, so maybe Clark Kent wasn't the brightest tool in the shed for the umpteenth time. He was too dumbass to unmask the Green Arrow when he had his fist begging for mercy, and he wasn't even convincing enough to pretend like it was The Green Arrow who had deleted all of Chloe's files at the end. Still, for once Clark's confusion actually seemed somewhat convincing, at least in terms of what the plot was supposed to mean. Superman has always seen the world in black and white, while the Green Arrow and Batman are the superheroes who rather view existence in shades of gray. Now sure, while Clark's development of learning of what is right and what is wrong was so damn rushed in this episode when it should've been slowly developed over the past six goddam years, I still have to admit that I could still see a twinge in Tom Welling's eyes at the end, and I could actually see the beginnings of the Superman we all know and love in there, something that I swear I haven't witnessed since Commencement before...

Of course, all the sweltering music in the episode definitely helped things out. I don't normally compliment the soundtrack in the fucking series, considering last week's episode for example, was a pure goddam American reject when it came to that sort of shit. But even if the producers had to rip off music from the goddam Batman movies to pull it off (since the Green Arrow has historically been such a shitty ass comic book character that he doesn't even have patented music of his own), I still have to admit that Arrow definitely had one of the best comic book feelings for the series since goddam Commencement or Run. I've already mentioned that I could actually feel a bit of emotion as the end credits began to roll, and maybe that's simply because for once, the series didn't bore me to shit with teen angst emo-rock, but actually played music deserving of the legendary comic book in the first place...

The thing is, while Arrow won't go down in time as one of my favourite episodes in the history of television of any shit like that, it is one of those rare features where literally every single character on the cast was used rather effectively in the end. As always, Chloe was cute as hell, as she really did seem simply irresistible when she was baiting and teasing Clark into revealing to her who the Green Arrow really was. Thank God then that Jimmy Olsen wasn't around to fuck things up for the show with his goddam teen relationship angst. And how the fuck could Clark ever resist giving up the dirt on Oliver Queen without at least asking for Chloe to give him a blowjob with that goddam infectious smile of hers, I may never know...

Most of her scenes were completely ruined by Oliver McShit as mentioned before, even if the cliche concept of a reporter trying to expose her boyfriend's secret identity seemed like a good comic book idea on paper. The thing is though, the writers still managed to throw her a bone for the first time in the sixth season of the show when she was allowed to kick ass and take names on the rooftop with the Green Arrow. Her martial arts skills have barely been used for the longest damn time now that she's essentially become the damsel in distress of the series. Finally, we got some of that old sass back that made Lois Lane into a remarkable character in the fourth season of the show. Hell, even when Kent went to visit her and Oliver in his loft near the start, the old skool banter between Lois and Clark finally was given a fresh chance to return...

Normally, this is where I go about bashing how shitty ass the whole Martha Kent and Lionel Luthor relationship has become. The thing is though, Ma Kent was barely used in the episode at all, and when she was there, she actually had a purpose to play. Lionel Luthor meanwhile seemed to be at first that goddam goody two-shoes that we've been forced to endure for years now when meeting with Lana Lang. And that handshake between him and Clark made me roll my eyes at best. But the ending of the episode, where it was revealed that either Lionel is just trying to do the right thing by going after the Kryptonian key no matter what the cost, or if he still is somehow possessed by Jor'el or Zod or whatever sort of crap? Either way, finally we got some of the old Lionel Luthor back, rather than this whole Lion-El bullshit crap. Finally, the badass motherfucker, man of the hour is back in black...

I didn't even mind Lex Luthor this episode. What the fuck wasupwidat that? For the past year now, he's seemed like such a pussy whipped asshole, bending to every single one of Lana's whims and ideals. Finally though, he started to show some real backbone, even using his father to toss Lana through the hoops to prove to him her loyalty. Why the fuck Clark didn't pimp slap the bitch like Lex is doing now to keep her in line, I will never know. But finally, not only is the real badass Lex Luthor that we used to love back, but with Lionel and now Lana Lang going to the dark side of the force, he's got the old gang all back in style...

Now, in literally every single small Smallville week in review I've ever written, I honestly believe that I've puked my way through enduring every single one of Lana Lang's moments on the series. The most baffling thing about Arrow though, is that for the first time in pretty much the entire existence of mankind?...

My brother actually asked me earlier this week if Lana Lang had turned evil or something in the series, and my only response was that even if the writers never intended her to be that way, the actress sure as hell made it true. The thing is, the writers finally did the intelligent thing to do, and simply used Kristen Kreuk to her natural goddam advantages. I actually got a chill down my spine when Lana was threatening and blackmailing the good doctor and his family, half because I didn't expect her to ever do such a thing (no, wait... she was a cheerleader before... nevermind...), half because I was shocked that her little speech was written so well, and half because Kristen was actually acting well on the series for the first time in goddam history. WTF has happened to the world to ever have let this occur? It really is the end of the world, isn't it? WTF?...

Now sure, there was really no single thing or element in the hour that Arrow did exceptionally well. For any other series, this episode would have been nothing more than average...

But I am indeed a comic book fanatic, alway have been and probably always will. And I have been enduring six fucking seasons of Smallville for that very same goddam reason, whether that was truly wise of me or not. And I'm sorry if it's just the inner fanboy at heart screaming out now, but finally I had an episode here that actually felt like it belonged to the goddam real comic book series that we all know and love...

Finally, Clark was beginning to realize his destiny. Finally, we had the evil Lionel Luthor back. Finally, we got Chloe all by herself looking as goddam fuckable as ever. Finally, we got a Lex Luthor who actually grew some goddam balls. And finally, against all fucking odds, we had here an episode where we were actually meant to hate Lana fucking Lang, and goddam loved her performance as a fucking result. WTF?...

Now, just like with Run and Commencement in the past, two episodes that had just so much potential only to be squandered by absolute small Smallville teen angst shit the very next week, I know in my heart that the hope I feel now for Arrow will be gone by goddam next Thursday at the very least...

But still, if only for an hour? If only for one damn fine episode in this entire goddam season?...

The Green Arrow really was a conscience, a voice in the darkness, a bloody hell guiding light...

"You know, I was actually invited back to a "six month" reunion at my university the other day...

And why? Well, besides the sheer stupidity of a six month reunion? My school was shit back then, and it's still shit now...

Is there really anything more to say? You know bad things are bound to happen when you give the free reigns of all the dramatic acting to the goddam Green Arrow, who's actor is more wooden than any of the goddam arrows he ever fires in the series. He tried to seem all remorseful and regretful over his past actions, and he even tried to make amends with Lex when push came to shove. But my God, does the Justin Hartley or Justin Bailey or Josh Harnett or whatever the crap his name is, even know how to remotely act like a fucking human being? Every single scene he was in made fucking baby Jesus cry. WTF?...

I was hoping that the constant presence of Lex Luthor in the episode would make up for any of Oliver Queen's deficiencies, but unfortunately for us, the Lex we were shown was some punk kid rather than Michael Rosenbaum more than half the time. Why the fuck we were supposed to give a shit about Duncan anyhew? Were we supposed to be surprised at the contrast of Oliver and Lex with their modern contemporary selves, sort of switching roles or whatever sort of crap? Because was it just me, or did even I (the fucking comic book loser of my high school) even want to beat the living snot out of that cocky ass Duncan kid? He was going to rat the rest of them out? WTF is wrong with him?...

He didn't even had good tastes in comic books. Read something more realistic and more fucking Marvel, dumbass...

Well, at least the fight between Lex and "Mr. Queen" had its moments in the modern day, but it certainly didn't last long. Any other scenes between the both of them were ruined by Lana fucking Lang, trying to look all sweet and innocent again but completely failing in the process. How the fuck Oliver could ever say at the end that Lex was a "lucky man", I'll never know. I pity the poor bastard, even if Kristen Kreuk does look like a smokin' hot but high hell maintenance bitch whenever she dons those sweet ass tank tops of hers...

I was hoping for some Chloe cleavage in Reunion, or "Clovage" for good luck and measure. Unfortunately, except when she was drooling over the Green Arrow for some goddam reason (please don't tell me that those two will become a couple in the future... uggh...), she had no purpose in the episode whatsoever. The camera was focused on Lois Lane the rest of the time, and unfortunately for us, neither did she have massive cleavage nor did she have a clever role to play in the plot either. She reappeared and disappeared without any damn explanation more times than even Clark Kent vanished just when the action was heating up. Of course, at least we got yet another priceless dumb bitch moment from her, when she even realized that Clark is never around whenever suddenly the day is mysteriously saved, which was strangely decent I suppose. But as for the rest of the goddam episode?...

Okay, so maybe the ending did give me hope for next week's episode, with Raya appearing in an Australian crater completely naked (or so I'd assume). But as for the rest of Reunion, it was all like one bad fucking memory of all the goddam horrible episodes of the past, as if the promise that Arrow had last week was completely goddam misbegotten by the writers. Clark Kent was once again a dumbass, as Tom Welling was in full "oh shit" and teen angst mode once again. He was pissed off that Lana Lang had suffered her latest concussion with Lex instead of with just himself, brooded over the regrets and choices that Oliver had made in the past, and then for some goddam reason, managed to kill Duncan (something that both Lex and Oliver have regretted for over a decade) without even batting an eye from guilt? WTF?...

Hell, even the return of the so-called badass Lionel Luthor fell on deaf ears. John Glover tried to have that smarmy little smirk he used to always enchant the screen with, but it just wasn't there with the crap that the writers gave him. This episode was meant to be the reunion of the real Lionel Luthor with the rest of the audience, but how the hell can we ever expect to take him seriously when it seems that the writers have no real fucking direction for the guy right now whatsoever? What is his goal, and what is his real purpose? Is there even some semblance of a character arc for him anymore? WTF?...

I mean seriously, was I the only one who literally wanted to beat the living shit out of the writers for being the goddam losers that they are? WTF?...

... they always turn out to be shit, and remind you of only the goddam worst memories from your goddam past...

"I expected big things from Fallout. Good things actually, from the preview and the early synopsis at least...

Because Fallout turned out to be more like the goddam aftermath of nuclear war, or a nuclear wasteland of a bloody hell waste of my time...

... or simply nuclear fucking power going to waste by laying waste on Clark Kent's whiny ass...

And sadly? The pathetic performance of goddam Bow Wow on the series was the very least of Fallout's problems...

Here we had such a promising premise. A bad ass motherfucker from the Phantom Zone (who dons a black body as a suit, naturally) cuts a swath across North America to take out the last son of Krypton. Only problem is, he's a fucking moron, and he gets his ass handed to him even after draining the power source from Milton Fine. You'd think that if he really had the power to destroy half a continent with a single shot, that he's just fucking do it already instead of getting kicked in the face by the fucking Supergirl wannabe. But no, once again the writers and special FX people completely copy out, and have Clark Kent somehow save the day with that magical emblem of his father's in ten seconds flat, whatever the fuck that thing is supposed to be...

Of course, with great power comes great sacrifices, or however the fuck the saying is supposed to go. Now normally, considering she was quite hot, I'd mourn the death of poor Raya. Only problem was, she was even more of a moron than Kal-El. Seriously, what the fuck is up with Kryptonians just standing there still and letting themselves get shot? Now, if it's a bullet coming their way, I can understand why they'd like to just wait for it to bounce off their chest so they could pound their breast plate in cocky ass pride. But when you know something is coming your way that can fucking kill you in a single bloody hell shot, why the fuck don't you just get the fuck out of there? WTF?...

Raya was hot alright, but she had absolutely no chemistry with Clark whatsoever. I at least expected the writers to have her point out to the poor Smallville bastard that his father was actually a good man, and that the voice in the Fortress of Solitude was probably just Zod fucking with his mind. But no, instead she turns into the complete and utter fucking bitch that apparently all women really are across the known universe, and flat out spits in Clark's face to suck it up and stop being a pussy when it comes to pain and torment. Was Clark Kent really falling for this brute of a bitch? Because seriously, the only kind thing I can honestly say about Raya is?...

But in Fallout at least? It's not like the rest of the women of the Smallville universe fared any better. Lois Lane was nowhere to be found, having the acting performance of her life along with John Glover as usual. Chloe meanwhile was being suffocated by the sheer stupidity of Jimmy or Bimmy or Billy Idol or whatever the fuck Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's name is supposed to be on the show. It was supposed to be funny I suppose, his theories about Lex and the Egyptians or whatever sort of crap. Problem was, it just didn't even make me chuckle at the very least, and the complete failure of comic relief managed to drag Chloe down to the depths of sheer futility and Phantom Zone hell as well. WTF?...

Lana Lang though was the chief bitch, and sadly not in the good way she was a few episodes back. Here, she does her old skool usual bitch ass thing and completely changes her stance and mind on things depending on goddam mood. Apparently, whenever it rains and pours, she completely backtracks on everything she says about studying the Kryptonian power source for the defence of humanity, starts hiding things from Lex, and then completely ruins their relationship by giving goddam ultimatums. What the fuck happened to the good gal who simply bribed, extorted and blackmailed outside personnel? How the fuck could she twist and turn and churn on her boyfriend so? And why the fuck does it seem like we've all seen this before, like a goddam feeling of Denzel Deja Vu? WTF?...

Poor fucking Lex. I'm sorry, but between the x-rays and having the girlfriend leftovers from the man of X-ray vision, I just felt pity for goddam Lex Luthor. He may be misguided, trying to save the world by essentially conquering it was power and technology, but nobody deserves the fate that he's been forced upon here with Lana. The show was trying to make him seem like the supervillain of the series, by hoarding the Kryptonian power source and becoming all obsessed with uncovering its secrets. But once again, Lana Lang stole the show and stole the spotlight yet again in terms of sheer goddam villainy, as she really does wear the goddam pants of the goddam relationship...

And her secret? To be strong enough for a man, yet the ultimate goddam bitch of a woman. WTF?...

Fallout was meant to be the deciding factor in Clark Kent's life, where he would finally move past simply saving his personal friends and protecting the world merely out of self-preservation and guilt. We even got a fucking huge ass speech in the end, how he was tired of running, how he was finally going to go through his training and emerge as the goddam hero of the world...

... but then he ruins it all by claiming he'd rather spend the rest of the season curbing his own remorse yet again, by rounding up the last of the goddam Prisoners of Azkahban in his current state instead of learning how to properly fucking take them on in the first place. WTF?...

God, if Superman can get owned like that from fucking Bow Wow of all people? Fucking goddam Bow Wow?...

I'd rather eat the shit of a special guest star from the goddam WWE wrestling arena than the bloody hell fallout from this fucking crap...

Though normally here, I'd at least applaud the writers for sparing us from the fucking wooden acting of the fucking Green Arrow. But unfortunately for the audience, Tom Welling took on that Team America role instead, and gave the absolute worst performance ever as the Man of Steel. He was completely pussy whipped when with Raya, completely ungrateful as a son of a bitch of a son to his mother, and was completely unconvincing in his little tirade at the end of being a good man and doing the right thing. Like I said, I'd call the actor wooden, except alas, that would be a grave disservice to all bloody hell pieces of shit ass wood everywhere. Knock on wood, of course...

After expecting such big things from it, I can't imagine that I'd ever put my faith in Smallville again...

"Rage? RAGE?!? WTF kind of name is that? Why not just call the episode, 'Teen Fucking Angst'? Seriously, WTF?"...

What the hell were the writers thinking with this completely shitasstic Thanksgiving episode? Were they trying to make every member of their audience feel abandoned, impoverished and utterly retarded like the people we're supposed to be helping on this American holiday?...

... or were they simply trying to one-up Ang Lee and The Hulk in the shit-ass, super serum category of superheroes? WTF?...

Maybe if the Green Arrow had actually pulled off a Hulk Smash, I might give this episode the time of day. But having to deal with that sore loser of a motherfucker whine and gripe for an hour long straight was not exactly my choice for the holidays, considering how fucking wooden the actor has always been. His speech at the end, of wanting to be like Clark Kent or Michael Jordan or whoever else the fuck, was just so poorly written and so wretchedly performed that I seriously wished that Superman would just lay the smackdown on his candy ass. And it was just so damn sappy that he would show up to Thanksgiving dinner at the Kents, without anyone noticing that he was the Green Arrow (Chloe sure has gone dumb blonde since hooking up with Jimmy and Bimmy...). I know Oliver's parents are dead, but he seriously has nowhere else to go? WTF?...

Shoving every actor and actress into the same Kent room was meant to show the togetherness of Thanksgiving, but really only ended up conveying the goddam cheapness of the producers and the show. At least it did juxtapose against the eerily distant dinner between Lana Lang and Lex Luthor, which was good I suppose considering that Lex is meant to be the villain of the show. The thing is, even when he's trying to be all badass (sending a hobo to gang rape some female doctor), he gets overshadowed at his own game. Lana Lang was just such an utter bitch in this episode, that Lex should have actually been thankful that he was able to stay more than an arm's length from that fucking dirty whore at dinner...

You know what I did care about though? Seriously, this was my exact reaction the moment that Lana Lang collapsed in a heap of her own shit on the floor...

Now, if the soap opera triangle does become complete, and somehow either a) the baby belongs to Zod instead of Lex, b) it actually belongs to both Zod and Clark at the same time, or c) it was born without any help but from the mitachlorians of the universe, then maybe this plotline of hers will find a small measure of salvation. But until then, why the fuck would we ever care about her predicament? Kristen Kreuk is such a fucking bitch on the show, that the only thing saving her a spot on the cast are her fucking goddam looks. So why the fuck would anyone give her the time of the day if they presented her as goddam fat? WTF?...

Chloe and Lois were decent in this episode I suppose, except for contracting Superman-itis in being complete goddam dunces of airheads. I still don't like the Chloe and Jimmy relationship, and Lois really has no chemistry with Oliver whatsoever (which is sort of the point...), but at least the both of those gals still look cute as a couple when together on screen. The writers really pushed the limit on our acceptance of the stupidity of the Superman universe though, when Chloe went from first talking about Oliver Queen to then suddenly jumping into a discussion of The Green Arrow without ever putting two and two together. Then again, this is the universe where everyone in the future will somehow forget what Clark Kent looks without glasses. Go figure...

I hate to say this, but Clark Kent was perhaps the only redeeming aspect of the entire damn episode. Not that I enjoyed the performance of Tom Welling one damn bit, but it was only his storyline that actually made any fucking sense. Yeah sure, Oliver was green with envy about Clark's powers (and they did mention that maybe he does get a bit lonely come Thanksgiving), so maybe there was a small point to make about his rage against the machine as well. But I guess considering it was around this time that Jonathan Kent died on the show last year, I kind of did sort of fall for the goddam sap story of Clark Kent now being the man of the hour at Thanksgiving dinner...

Of course, I don't understand how the fuck that both Martha the Whore and her son could completely forget that it was Lionel Luthor sitting there at the table that had killed Jonathan just last year. Or how Chloe could conceivably forgive that Lionel had tried to kill both her and her father when he was first sent to prison and shaved fucking bald. Yet instead, we get scenes of Ma Kent playing the Lana Lang of her goddam gross as fuck relationship with goddam Lion-El...

Since when has Smallville ever made sense? Since when has any episode ever made me smile instead of just wanting to wreck things with a goddam Hulk smash of the hands?...

Sure, I enjoyed the episode of "Green Arrow" this season. But now knowing of all the pain and misfortune that it would bring me in the episodes to come, such as in "Rage"? Even that decent hour of the series has been rendered moot as a fucking shit stain on a goddam stick...

Now don't get me wrong, considering I still watch Smallville for some goddam reason, there are some things to definitely be thankful for...

... and I'm definitely thankful for Lana Lang collapsing into a pool of her own fucking horny as fuck piss...

But what I'm definitely not thankful for, is the fact that I forced myself into enduring such a shitty ass goddam episode on a week that's supposed to be a goddam holiday...

"Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars... But Lana Lang? One hour straight of Lana Lang?... is straight from fucking hell. WTF?"...

You know what? I would actually give Static a positive review, if the entire episode had actually consisted of Clark Kent in fucking Seattle, going mono a mono with the big badass Zoner from the WWE. But no, instead we were forced into one hour full of cock-blocking shit of Lana and Lex expressing their undying (and unphased...) goddam love for each other. WTF?...

My fucking God, I'd rather watch random static on my fucking television screen than this fucking bullshit...

Why the fuck are we supposed to care? Last week, at least I had the pleasure of seeing Lana Lang collapse in a pool of her own bile. But this week, not only was she a complete bitch whenever it came to anyone talking smack about her boyfriend, but she also again had to whine and gripe as the damsel in distress the full time through? The scenes where she cries and bitches about not wanting to have this baby of hers alone were just so damn overacted, that I'm sure that even the camera angles of soap operas wouldn't have been able to stop the cheese flowing through my television set. Why the fuck are we ever supposed to care?...

Lex Luthor, God I felt so damn miserable for him whenever he was stuck with Lana, and so much happier for him when he didn't have to put up with her goddam shit while phase-shifted. Normally here, I'd imagine it would've been a living nightmare to not be able to touch or interact with anything or anyone. But in his case, if I were him, I would've welcomed it with open arms...

How is he supposed to be the villain of the show exactly? He's always the pussy whipped motherfucker of his relationship with Lana, silently and poetically expressing his love for the bitch even when she couldn't hear him. Sure, that grates the ears and rolls the eyes, but is he really evil? Aside from just collecting a bunch of meteor freaks in a lab (which almost every self respecting government or corporation would do to prevent them from ever being a threat), what did he do wrong in this episode at all? He only killed that random MWAHAHA electrician freak out of self-defense, so what the fuck did Lex really do wrong?...

But on the flip side of things? It's not like these two characters were the only ones who were complete and utter crap this episode. I guess stupidity on the series really is infectious, because Lionel Luthor just isn't making much sense anymore. Yes, we realize he's supposed to be evil again, but isn't he supposed to hide it better than he is? Last week, he was all chirps and whistles at Thanksgiving dinner, and yet now he was being all ambiguously evil when around Chloe Sullivan all over again? What happened to his charade? He's now flipping between good and evil every frickin' goddam episode from now on? WTF?...

Chloe herself bugged me to hell in Static as well. I know I should just learn to ignore and block out all goddam idiotic computer shit on television shows, but really, how the fuck can I ignore the Swordfish stupidity here in Static? First of all, how the fuck did she copy an entire database to her fucking iPod on the fly? Sure, it may be actually possible, but it's just fucking retarded to do so when you can just fucking get a massive external hard drive for so much cheaper. And second, how the fuck did she actually copy encrypted, password protected files to her fucking iPod in the first place? They're fucking goddam protected for a reason, meaning you can't even begin to access them let alone copy them for fucking code breaking later. WTF?...

Then again, this is the same goddam show where apparently jamming radio frequencies can pull phase-shifted people within an entire room out of some foregone, goddam dimension. And the same damn show that actually thinks we give a shit about Lana and Lex macking out in front of Allison Mack in the mansion as a good thing. Whatever...

The only damn parts I did give a shit about in Static were based in Seattle, which was a nice change of pace from the Metropolis of Vancouver for once. We barely got any scenes of Batista sucking down bone marrow for breakfast, but what we did get was actually more graphic and satisfying than I ever originally expected from the series. How the fuck can't I enjoy a moment where he rips out some cop's spine, or tosses Clark Kent helplessly into a fucking sky high crane?...

Of course, Clark Kent got beaten down like a goddam government mule. So much for being the badass hero of the story...

Instead, it all boiled down to the Alien Man-Eater versus the Martian Manhunter...

Umm... you have super strength, invincibility, fucking heat vision, fucking light speed, and as Kal-El you have even been known to fly faster than a fucking nuclear missile. What the fuck did the Martian Manhunter exactly do that you can only dream of, besides having a brain and an actually clever gimmick of goddam Oreos, that is? WTF?...

Okay, so Tom Welling sucked bone marrow ass in this episode, as usual. But as a comic book geek, I personally thought the very short and stunted introduction of DC's Martian Manhunter into the series to be pretty overall well done in the end. Unlike with Aquaman and Cyborg, a forced romance wasn't stuffed down our throats. It was all about kicking ass, taking names and having a jonsing for goddam Oreo cookies. And that I can definitely relate to, if only because I had a craving for that goddam cream-filled shit afterwards myself...

Because rather than have the fucking November Sweeps episode concentrate on the emergence of Superman as a real Hero instead of just a goddam Helo, we get an entire fucking hour of Lana fucking Lang instead. WTF?...

Can somebody please lay the smackdown on all the writers' candy asses for me? Please, just this once?...

Because this episode wasn't just so damn atrociously painful, that I would've rather watched pure goddam static on my television screen...

... but that I would've rather goddam watched WWE Raw or Smackdown instead as well...

Somebody please bury me alive, because what the fuck kind of shit ass Christmas present was this bullshit?...

"So, let me get this straight. Clark Kent stands for truth, justice and the American Way... except when dealing with illegal aliens? WTF?..."

Yeah, yeah, I know that Clark is an illegal alien himself. So what? He's actually worth the time of day. What the fuck will some random, perfect English speaking Mexican kid with a laundry mat of a mother ever achieve for this country? Why is Clark so damn trusting of every damn person he meets? WTF?...

Now, I may sound a bit harsh here, considering Javier (in the episode) was indeed a good person and so are a hell of a lot of illegal immigrants throughout North America. The thing is though, since when did Superman take the law into his own hands? Javier could be some shifty drug lord for all Clark Kent really knew. And the sad thing is, his stupidity was just goddam contagious...

What the fuck kind of moral was that at the end of the episode? Lana Lang realizes that "money is power" while high in fucking Amsterdam of all places (which I'm sure was great for the baby...), then comes back and wants to do fucking charity work 24/7? For a second there, I thought her character was actually going to try to be a good girl for once, until I realized she was essentially committing a crime. Sponsoring amnesty to God knows how many migrant workers who snuck into the country illegally? No wonder the so-called evil Lex Luthor didn't even give a shit worth a damn about stopping her proposal...

Smallville is bad enough when it's just trying to be a goddam entertaining show. But when it tries to get preachy? It gets fucking Saturday Morning Cartoon preachy, in a way that would even make the usual rolled eyes from Lana Lang fuckfests completely rip right out of their goddam sockets. Why the fuck is the show promoting illegal migrant workers here in this episode? I agree that some aliens are good and some are bad, but please, just leave that moral gray stuff to Batman and The Green Arrow or whatever sort of crap. Despite his own personal history, that's just not what the red and blue tights are all about...

Seriously, what the fuck did I just watch? Was every fucking character just so goddam dumb in this episode, that they basically had to make Jimmy speak fucking Chinese to even begin to make him stand out from all the rest? WTF?...

WTF did Chloe do? Mack all night long on Jimmy the Bimmy and then bitch that Javier went to the Xavier mansion or whatever sort of crap? WTF did Martha Kent do? Javier may have been a nice guy, but the law is the law. It was dumbass that she was actually conned by Clark into giving the boy and his mother legal status, unless she works for the fucking Greenpeace party or some shit like that...

Where was Lois Lane and Lionel Luthor or any shit like that? Instead, we got a fucking horrible powerwalk down the catwalk to the sound of rock-warring music, with Lex Luthor in the dead center of whatever that 33.1 center complex was. Sadly, that way-over-badass moment was the only scene that actually got my attention, because it made even less sense to me than the rest of the episode. Why the fuck did the writers just throw that scene in out of completely nowhere? WTF?...

The only damn minute of the entire hour of Smallville this week that was even worth a damn, was the ten second spotlight on the Michael Bay ripoff of a power walk for the poor man's Justice League in the preview for next year's Smallville. Now those are the episodes that I watch Smallville for, the ones about the birth of fucking Superman, and not for the fucking Sunday School lesson we got here with the most absolute black and white morals that I've ever had the displeasure of rolling my eyes at in my goddam life...

I realize that at times I sound a bit harsh with this illegal immigrant bullshit, considering I know a lot of them are good people who want nothing but a better life. But the law is the law, and it was made for a very good reason to preserve the way of life for all immigrants who make it into North America for the right reasons through the right processes. Now, we all know it's unfair to be at the back of a line-up at the fucking bank for instance, but we also know that anyone who cuts in line will get a fucking beating and a half before they ever reach the teller. Doesn't matter if they're actually a good person or not, and normally it doesn't even matter how dire their situation in life is. There's just some things you cannot do without proving yourself first through years of hard work...

Smallville tried to preach and force upon us their goddam point of view. And as a result? This episode was just so damn bad, that I'm just going to pretend like it doesn't even exist. Even by Smallville standards, Subterranean was just goddam pathetic. End of story...

... because hell, this was definitely one story that deserves to be left and buried alive in the ground..."

... I need water to wash that goddam awful aftertaste of Smallville out my throat...

"Lana Lang fucks over Lex's ego by telling him she's in love with another man... then chooses to marry him? WTF?"...

Oh my fucking God, when I first heard that Hydro was going to deal with Lana's decision over Lex's marriage proposal, I nearly vomited in the back of my mouth. And believe me when I say that nothing could've prepared me for just how shit ass her parts of this episode really were. Did we really need more "oh shit" looks between her and Clark? Did we really need more goddam teen angst mistrust between her and Chloe? Did she really have to beat down Lex's ego with a fucking ugly stick before accepting his goddam marriage proposal? Why do the writers hate the Smallville audience so damn much? Why the fuck is Lana not at least increasing her goddam concussion count this goddam season? WTF?...

I fully expected to gouge my eyes from Hydro until puss started spewing out, and that is definitely what happened whenever goddam Lana Lang was ramming another innocent bystander over with her goddam fleet of SUV's. But still, I was shocked to both watch and learn that the rest of the episode really wasn't so bad afterall. If you completely ignore every single scene with Lana Lang or Linda Lake, and just go by that other girl with two L's in the initials of her name, then perhaps Hydro wasn't a complete waste of an hour of human history afterall...

Okay, finally we got some of that old Lois Lane sass back. She was large and in charge for the most part, actually seeming intelligent for once in figuring out a superhero's secret identity. Of course, the writers couldn't let that happen for the long run (not that I blame them... Lois in the comics is even dumber), and actually set up a somewhat clever ploy when it came to Clark Kent donning the costume for the Green Arrow. I wasn't surprised by the kiss between the man in the suit and Lois Lane, as obviously it'll play a big part as the series comes to a close. However, I was impressed by the quality of the scene that followed, with Lois all smitten over the masked man, as both she and Chloe and of course, Clark's patented "oh shit" looks, generated one of the only classic scenes of the entire goddam season to date...

Chloe was just goddam cute and fuckable in this episode. Is there anything else really to say? Her face was simply glowing when she "figured" out that Clark was the Green Arrow, and she was acting so goddam cute and cheerful as a button when Lois was swooning over her kiss with the Green Arrow. To be honest, besides the Linda Lake fiasco, I really don't know why this episode was called "Hydro", when it was all about teen angst secrets. The thing is though, instead of just more shit between Lana and Clark like I initially expected, it was Chloe instead who was bottling in then letting loose with all the secrets she's kept stashed away, and the actress made it all just goddam work as a whole in the end...

Hell, Chloe even made Clark look decent for the most part, besides those god-awful lines of being an "alien" or a goddam fucking "intergalactic traveller" (as if anyone outside of the tabloids would believe a rumour like that...). I hated every single moment Clark had with Lana in comparison, although even those at least had some purpose behind his oh shit looks, considering he did just find out that Lang was pregnant (which in reality, does change everything in a relationship). Chloe and Clark just have chemistry with each other, and it's starting to finally feel like the writers are goddam remembering that for once...

I already stated that Clark's little deal with the Green Arrow to shield his identity was relatively clever (at least for this goddam joke of a series of a show...). And naturally, it was just all so damn ridiculously amusing to watch Tom Welling try to act all conflicted and confused at enjoying his kiss with Lois, only to fail miserably like he does in every other fucking episode. Except this time, I enjoyed the fact that he sucked ass at the job, simply because Chloe was really making both him and I blush with all her incessantly flirtations, with a smile that can suck your dick straight off...

If you simply forgot every single moments staring Lana Lang, Lex Luthor and Linda fucking Lake, then Hydro becomes a decent enough episode that actually leads into Justice next week pretty damn smoothly, if only because the friendship between Clark and Oliver has been solidified (for the time being... until Lois starts ditching the latter for the Green Arrow...). And since after five or six fucking years of personal practice, of blocking out Lana fucking Lang as if she doesn't even fucking exist on the series? Then of course, Hydro sadly becomes one of the few minor pluses in this goddam horrible season of Smallville to date...

The show for me has always been about Chloe, Clark and Lois Lane, and all three of them did their part in this episode. Now, finally cut Clark out of the equation and just have Chloe and Lois go at it, and then suddenly? Ah, yes, finally we'll have an episode of Smallville worth goddam watching for once...

... but let's just hope Justice next week is a refreshing substitute until then...

... to wash that filthy aftertaste of Smallville in 2006 from my goddam mouth..."

If there is any fucking justice in the world, then this week's episode wouldn't be just the goddam exception to the rule, but rather what the fucking goddam series of Smallville should have always been about since day fucking one...

Yet even with a motley crew of superheroes and the beginnings of the Superman mythos? The writers still managed to fuck things up...

"Why the fuck does Clark get to take the lead in the melodramatic powerwalk? What the fuck did he do, except play the ugly a fuck, damsel in distress? WTF?"...

My God, was I the only one balling in tears at the god-awful Armageddon rip off of a Michael Bay, overdramatic powerwalk from our so-called superheroes? And then what the fuck do the writers do again, but fucking do that same pointless dribble of bullshit all over again as Clark's "amazing" friends leave the man of steel in their flash of dust at the end? WTF?...

Next thing you know, the Green Arrow is walking out with a swagger and a purpose next to his uber-muscular and shirtless team...

Wow. Oliver Queen sure got over that bitch, Lois Lane, real fast... faster than a goddam speeding bullet, to say the least...

Suffice to say, I had high hopes for Justice. I think we all did, considering I think this is what every fucking comic book fan thought that Smallville as a series would have been six fucking seasons ago. Sure, we've had brief glimpses of the birth of Superman over the course of the past few years, with episodes like Run, Aqua and Cyborg all playing their part in forming the overdramatic powerwalks of Justice. But still, for a show to take this many years just to provide what I would consider an average episode for any other television series to date? WTF?...

But by Smallville standards? Fuck, not like this is saying much, but Justice will go down as one of the best...

The first reason is more than obvious. Lana fucking Lang was nowhere in fucking sight, as even the writers have realized that any fucking moment with her would've ruined the goddam episode and the fucking sixth season as a whole...

I could've done without Lois Lane in this episode too, considering he took the mantle of the Lana Lang bitch when it came to whining and complaining and griping to her man. She never really had any clever lines here, and she didn't even have any boner-popping yoga poses to tide us over for the next week or so either. But I guess her eventual break-up with Oliver just had to be addressed somewhere and somehow, although I'm not quite sure that compressing that shit all into one fucking single episode was really the best decision the writers could've made...

"Hey, Ollie. I love you so much for taking me on a dreamy, romantic trip to Monte Carlo."

"Oh, right, sorry. Did I forget to tell you? I'm leaving town, I'm never coming back, and I'm never going to see you again. Bitch."

Nice way to put the gal down gently, Oliver. Talk about a bad "breaker-upper", my fucking God...

Chloe at least provided some sense of normalcy when it comes to women not being complete bipolar, melodramatic bitches. Some have speculated that Ms. Sullivan actually turns into a sort of "Oracle" type character in the Smallville universe, and she definitely seemed to back that point up here, as the "Watch-tower" sort of genius back at the "JL Industries" base. Besides that and being cute as fuck once again, she really surprised me with just how smartly she was written. She knew about Oliver Queen (when last week, I was sure the writers were gonna make her think the Green Arrow was actually Clark), she guided the entire superhero team to perfection, and once again she proved without a shadow of a doubt of just how damn loyal she is to Clark and whoever may be his friends. What more can you ask for from such a lovable, fuckable bitch?...

There are obviously tons of flaws in Justice, and one of them in my opinion was Lex Luthor. For one thing, his speech about "freedom" and "democracy" against the terrorists with superpowers was way over the top, and just as groan inducing as anything that spews from the mouth of Lana fucking Lang. Besides that though, the one flaw that I felt with Lex Luthor, was that aside from his Dr. Evil type of MWAHAHA evil torture contraption made for The Flash? I still felt bad for Lex, I empathized with him, simply because Michael Rosenbaum really is still the best damn actor (aside from John Glover) on the cast. I would rather have this Lex Luthor take over the world than let Clark fucking ruin the planet by trying to fucking save it with his dumbass stupidity. I really, really ridiculously wanted Lex Luthor to beat down the Green Arrow's cocky coloured ass. Is that too much to ask?...

And I don't know, but while I do appreciate the idea behind Justice, it just felt like too much was crammed into one damn episode for it all to work out in the end. Clark literally caught up with AC and Viktor the Cyborg in about ten seconds worth of conversation, then basically just cast them aside to "fly solo" and get himself stuck in a fucking room of kryptonite yet again. Does the dumbass ever learn? Even the moments with "Impulse" felt rushed (no pun intended...), as I enjoyed the "connection" between him and Clark and Chloe far more in Run than in Justice. Or was that simply because the actor who plays Bart Allen has gotten chubby and ugly with a goddam fucked up voice from puberty? WTF?...

But oh, Clark Kent, how fucking dumbass can you be? He always thinks he's invincible, yet here he is simply dumbass enough to stroll into a lead-plated room with nary a thought of fucking goddam kryptonite? He then gets his sorry ass saved by losers like Aquaman and fucking Cyborg, only to then try to steal back the show with his uber-dramatic powerwalk there at the end? Really, while I do appreciate the writers bringing the beginnings of the Justice League into the show, it was just done so much better in episodes like Run and the Green Arrow's first introduction. Because in both of those episodes, at least Clark Kent didn't seem like a complete fucking moron. Here, I was just shaking my fucking head that eventually this fucking idiot of a "Boy Scout" would eventually take the reigns as the spiritual leader of the group. Where the fuck is Christian Bale and fucking Batman when you need him? WTF?...

Either way, complaints aside, if only every fucking episode of Smallville was about the birth of Superman and the goddam Justice League Task Force? Sure, Justice may have been just an average episode of television in my eyes, but it was still one of the best fucking episodes of Smallville that has ever sadly aired. That may not mean much, but at least it stands for goddam something...

And if there is any goddam justice in the world? If the writers ever want to do the actual name of "Superman" justice with their goddam stories and scripts?...

... then for the rest of the goddam series?... this goddam episode better not be the exception to the goddam rule...

And please, will they at least just let the goddam series end with the proper dignity, deserving of the greatest comic book hero ever told?...

"Okay, I admit it. For some damn reason, I seem to have some kind of fetish for goddam episodes about goddam psychiatric wards...

I mean seriously, WTF? I absolutely loved the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode of "Normal Again", "Frame of Mind" is really one of the only damn decent Jonathan Frakes episodes ever produced on Star Trek, and hell's bells, I think I even enjoyed parts of that goddam "Real World" episode of Dr. Weir shit on Stargate Atlantis earlier this season. WTF?...

And when it's time for Smallville to pry on my goddam foot fetish once more, what is the result?... well?...

"Finally, after six fucking years of Lana fucking Lang, Clark Kent finally goes insane? Why is it that I feel I can relate here? WTF?..."

You know what's really weirding me out though? That if only because of my fucking goddam love for episodes such as this one, where a superhero or some SciFi character starts believing that everything around them is nothing more than a hallucination, I actually enjoyed Labyrinth as one of my favourite episodes of Smallville this season so far. Not like that's saying much, but still, considering this was such a heavy hitting episode of Lana fucking Lang? Seriously, WTF?...

Smallville as my favourite episode of the week? Shit, this is weird, and just plain goddam wrong. Is there something wrong with me? Should I get therapy? WTF?...

It's just that, even though no character was really in their natural element, everything worked so well together in Labyrinth. Perplexing really, as if it was all proof that if only the writers had written each and every personality on the show to be the complete opposite of who they are right from the start, then maybe Smallville wouldn't suck as a goddam series so badly to the very day?...

Oh, Chloe. Rumours have abounded about your death for so long, and really I shed no tears after the goddam clear as Acuvue product placement of the goddam Toyota Yaris. Why is it that a completely batshit insane, mental asylum runaway somehow still gets to own a fucking brand new Yaris? WTF?...

Okay, this episode really was backwards world. I completely couldn't stand Chloe in Clark's dream world, yet I somehow was able to tolerate Lang Lang. Seriously, WTF? WHAT THE FUCK?!?...

Tolerate may not be the right word though. It's just that, Lana as a character has always been a manipulative bitch, and it worked so well here in being the evil siren. The story about the engagement ring at age 10 was actually kind of moving, if only because in this alternate universe at least, Lana Lang was no longer wearing that goddam spoiled bitch designer clothing she's been donning for the past few seasons of the show or whatnot. She actually seemed tempting here in Labyrinth, even though deep down inside, we all knew her as the batshit insane bitch that she really is. The "good" Lana Lang was a complete illusion, and we all knew deep down inside that it was too good to be true. And thus, she was the perfect, ideal candidate for being the goddam bait, or the goddam Kryptonite to Clark's soul in the end...

Now, I could've done without all of Tom Welling's goddam teen angst of whining and griping and pining over goddam Lana Lang yet fucking again. I swear, if I ever have to deal with that bullshit in the series ever again, I'll fucking bore a hole through my skull with a fucking goddam drill. Hell, I'm surprised Clark hasn't done the same already after six fucking years of Lang fucking Lang...

Thankfully though, besides how ridiculous the latter half of the episode was with Clark laying the smackdown on some morosely old ass, I actually appreciated the art and direction that this episode took. The music was actually kind of disturbing, in a good way for once that actually enhanced the atmosphere. I never really suspected at first that the distortions coming from my speakers was really Shelby back in the real world, barking up a storm. And who here didn't appreciate the little psychobabble moments there, with the "Phantom Zone" as a prison psychology book, Dr. Milton Fine being called for over the intercom, and Raya of course having gained a fucking few pounds since the last time we saw her...

I don't know, but Labyrinth actually was quite memorable to me, if only because of the whole alternate universe of a setting, allowing the writers for once to goddam take a chance or two. Seeing Lex in a wheelchair like that, with the whole story of Clark's delusions causing the Porsche from the first episode to crush Luthor's knees, was actually kind of heart-breaking in a sad way. Michael Rosenbaum didn't get that much screentime to perform here in Labyrinth, but for every moment he was there, he simply acted his ass off, even if he barely had any of it left after the accident...

Chloe may have been disturbing annoying as a psychotic bitch in the dream world, but there was just something so damn lovable and fuckable about her back in the real world. Clark obviously trusts her more than anyone else in the world but his own family, and why the hell he didn't make a move on her as he buttered her rosy cheeks up with compliments, I will never know. Either way though, there was just so damn much chemistry in that one scene alone, that it almost makes me look forward to the goddam upcoming Valentine's Day episode, instead of just assuming it'll be yet another Valentine Day's massacre by the cast and crew of Smallville yet again...

And how the fuck is an episode with the Martian Manhunter, doing his thing of shapeshifting into a badass black guy and then using his telepathy to save Clark's mind from a goddam Zoner, not a great episode in anyone's psychology book? Honestly, how can you not be convinced that the life you're in is a complete fucking lie, by a guy in a straight jacket in the next padded room, talking about being from Mars, having a fear of even the slightest hint of fire, and traveling all the way to earth just for the scent and secret of the goddam Oreo twist? Seriously, what's not to believe?...

Because seriously, if anyone had ever suggested to me three weeks before that I would actually enjoy a fucking episode that featured Lana fucking Lang for half of the fucking goddam episode?...

First of all, it made no fucking sense in the bluish of hells, as to why the fuck Smallville was airing their Valentine's Day episode this week, rather than next week when instead they're showing some other kind of dumbass new episode. It's like fucking Thanksgiving all over again, except we get red kryptonite along with every fucking character acting like complete and utter goofs of turkeys...

... I actually sort of enjoyed Crimson for what it was worth, believe it or not...

"Lois and Clark get hitched together... by 'Kal-El' of Stargate SG-1? What the fuck kind of fucked up coincidence is that? WTF?"...

Pfft. As if Lois and Clark would ever get together in real life. The two of them have absolutely zero chemistry with one another. WTF is that love potion number 9 Kal-El smoking, thinking they had some fate, as if Sandra Bullock from the former film would somehow find herself a goddam career? WTF?...

But to be honest? As cheesy as all their fucking romance scenes were, I kind of had this sick kind of puppy indulgence with them. Even though he wasn't flying or anything, I actually did kind of feel a sense of wonder and awe when Clark had Lois in his arms and leapt tall buildings in a single bound. Lois herself looked like a complete whore the whole way through with whatever god-awful get-up she had on, but even I've got to admit, she looked pretty damn fine in the end with all those horny, "come hither" looks she gave with a tatoo on top...

Oh, and nice fucking product placement with the mixed CD, writers. As if forcing all their shit "ballad" music on us in the first place wasn't degrating enough...

Oddly enough though, it wasn't weird to see Lois acting like "a girl" for once. While she was a bit over the top with her goddam sluttiness, and it rolled my eyes yet again to realize that she of course would lose all her memory of the day, I really did feel like Erica Durance put a lot of herself into this episode, and made her lust for Clark into something at least a tad bit believable. It wasn't like some crap Smallville episode where Chloe with a parasite in her neck finally gets to fall off a cliff for Clark or some shit like that. If anything, Crimson felt more like proper foreshadowing of the future than some footnote of a cheap hack of a stunt that the writers pulled out of their asses for no good reason, as is usually the case...

Poor Chloe though, always kept in Clark's back pocket. Of course he would have thought about having a relationship with her, considering how fucking cute and loyal and perfect that blonde bitch really is. She really didn't deserve to have her mind fucked over like it was in Crimson, but if you looked closely I guess, you'd notice that it was her mind that was the fucked with the least. Even under the influence of red kryptonite, Clark still was mostly supportive of Ms. Sullivan when crashing the party. That's gotta mean something, right?...

Now, I really could've done without the goddam 'shipper angst of "J-Chloe", or whatever the fuck Chloe called her relationship with Jimmy. I didn't care when they broke up, as it broke my heart more that I wasted my time watching this kind of bullshit on television than anything else. But whenever it came to Clark and Lois, I was impressed how Chloe took a backseat in principle in the episode, yet still managed to come out on top in looking like the only real sensible woman in the entire fucking series. She was loyal to Clark to the end, which is why I seriously don't get how he could possibly choose both Lois Lane and Lang fucking Lang over this fucking sweetheart of a horny girl...

As for Lana fucking Lang? Why, there's the Valentine's Day massacre for you right then and there. Did I give a shit about any scene she was it? I doubt it, considering all she did was whine and bitch to Lex about refusing to announce the pregnancy and shit like that. If there was any real reason to enjoy this episode, it was to see Lana Lang hurl herself off the proverbial balcony at having her engagement party crashed like it was by Clark. I literally balled out laughing at her scrunched up, teen angsty face as Clark revealed her pregnancy to everyone there...

The only thing that ruined my enjoyment, was the fact that Lana once again tried to be the darling damsel in distress at the end of the episode, practically begging to be raped (... and I say that 'loosely'...) from her fucking goddam sluttiness. So, she loves Clark and he still loves her, we get it. Do we really have to deal with her becoming a bigger part of the season again, finding the bent shed tool and realizing that Clark does indeed have a secret? Why the fuck did she have to bother growing a brain now? Couldn't she have just fucking married Lex Luthor like any good gold digger would have, and then fucking boxed herself from the view of the goddam audience of the show for the rest of the goddam series? WTF?...

Oh, Lex Luthor. Why is it that even in episodes where he's meant to be the supreme bad guy, I always feel bad for the poor lug whenever he's with Lana fucking Lang? Was it just me, or did I actually feel empathy for the guy as he pulled a gun out on Clark for Lana Lang. Every single damn time that somebody out there becomes that fucking pussy-whipped by the goddam bitch, who had just slutted it up with Clark in the goddam barn by the way, an angel loses it's wings and sheds a tear, J-lo and behold. And as a result, poor Lex Luthor has become just a pale shadow of his former self...

... or at least, that's what we assumed until the true nature of the pregnancy was finally revealed...

And how the fuck can I fault the guy when he and Clark literally made for one of the only damn compelling scenes in the entire damn season of Smallville? The party crash scene was alone worth the price of admission, as I wish Clark always had these kinds of balls whenever he ain't doped up on red kryptonite. It was about time that Martha Kent was called out on being a goddam slut just one year after the death of her loving husband. It was about time that Clark finally admitted his feelings for Chloe, even if she may never be his first choice. It was about time that somebody kicked Lana Lang off of her goddam heiress of a pedestal. And who here didn't feel sorry for Lex when Clark completely embarrassed him by abusing his bald ass?...

Priceless. Just fucking priceless, for the first time in the entire goddam series, no doubt...

Why is it that the only times that we as an audience can actually get behind Clark as a character and root for the "good guy", is when Superman's all suped up on goddam Red Kryptonite? Red-K Kal-El really is the only decent personality worth even noting in the goddam series...

... and "Kal-El", the Jaffa Warrior Princess from Stargate SG-1, definitely here seems to agree...

Now, just one week ago, I would've pegged Crimson as yet another Valentine's Day massacre of red fucking flowing blood. As considering all the fucking teen angst and goddam slasher-shipper shit going on, I really expected that when it comes to the writers this week, there would be fucking hell to pay...

But surprise, surprise? I actually enjoyed the rampart of rampant stupidity known only as Crimson. WTF?...

"Now, this review better be the fucking true definition of a "small Smallville week in Review"...

Because quite honestly? My mother taught me that if I have absolutely nothing nice to say?...

"Trespass was just so bad, so fucking bad, that it's not even worth a bad fucking pun. WTF? No, seriously, WTF?"...

There were absolutely zero redeeming qualities in this episode. Well, okay, so maybe Chloe looking fuckable as ever was at least a passing point, but a moot one considering she was looking ever so adorable while at the same time pining and sucking face with Jimmy the Bimmy of all fucking clowns. Because instead of more Chloe cleavage, we got fucking Jimmy chasing around CK or Calvin Klein or whoever the fuck, trying to be a sassy hero by absolutely ruining the day with less fucking Chloe cuteness on screen. WTF?...

Was there any doubt in the mind as to who the MWAHAHA villains of the week were? Lex at least was smart enough to leave town while his security detail sent the pregnant Lana Lang tumbling down the stairs to her 96th concussion on the show. But even that meant absolutely nothing in the end, considering we all know she'll always somehow turn out perfectly fine in the end, or at least until the centarian bruise mark that is. As a result, there was simply no fucking tension in this episode, as I was fucking rooting for the bad guy the whole way through to finally take care of Lana Lang once and for all. And the enemies were so fucking goddam predictable in who they were and whatever the fuck they did, that it made Trespass into a complete and utter non-fucking-event as far as I was ever concerned...

And WTF was with Brody? Or Broody, or whatever the fuck his name was? Was he already so tired and sick of stalking Carter over on SG-1 that he now apparently took on a dark side apprentice to finally try to take out Lana for us? Yet even that failed miserably, giving us a story propping Lana up as the heroine, resulting in absolutely one of the worst fucking hours of television ever fucking made? WTF?...

I won't even comment on Kristen Kreuk. It's gotten to the point where her "excuse me, princess" acting on the series has gotten so damn eye-wretching bad, that it even makes me want to do horrible things to the actress herself. Hell, I wouldn't even want to put up with angry sex with the bitch anymore, considering she'd probably bitch me out during the whole fucking process, on just how incompetent I am at the whole fucking bedroom scene. I mean seriously, going to Clark's house (the secret lover's room) is the last place anyone would look, she argued? WTF? God, I feel so damn sorry for Lex sometimes...

And must I comment on Clark? Considering Superman has always been the biggest damn stalker on the face of the planet, in both this series and the comic books to boot, is it any wonder then that in Trespass, we'd get a full onslaught of an hour of him just whining and pining away about that bitch of a girl he lost? Doesn't he realize just how lucky he is that he missed out on that bitch of a sinking ship? Good fucking riddance, yet why the fuck won't the writers just let us forget about this stupid fucking high school crush of his that ended in the comic books way back at the fucking goddam prom. Why can't they ever learn from example? WTF?...

.. I thought that maybe I would at least have some sort of semblance of mercy, for an episode dealing with stalker and high school goddam obsessions...

But even that fucking bitch of mine back then wouldn't have been dumbass enough to ever willingly watch this fucking episode...

... not even if she was bonded tight and helpless to a bed... which I imagine was the kind of kinky shit she liked, but I digress...

So why the fuck did I ever fucking waste an entire fucking hour of my life on this fucking trepass of shit all over my soul of a property?...

... as yes, I would literally sell my fucking soul to UNSEE this fucking atrocious, piece of shit of an episode...

Because if I ever wanted to hear constant whining and griping and goddam bitching about fucking goddam stalker shit?...

It took the writers six fucking years of shitty ass, assplosions from freaks of the week to finally come up with this fucking genius of a title? WTF?...

And you know what else? I've been saying for almost six fucking years now whenever it comes to Chloe and her super-savvy, computer hax00r skillz, that either the writers are fucking geniuses for making her a secret freak of the week all along, or the writers are simply just that damn dumb when it comes to goddam teen angst and goddam computer literacy skills...

"Wait, are you saying that writers were actually smart for once? WTF? No, just fuck no. I refuse believe this news..."

I refuse to believe that they actually planned out for Chloe to be a freak in hiding. Either the writers stole the idea from the entire fucking Smallville fanbase community who were hoping that it would come true, or the powers that be are actually planning in the near future to turn Chloe into some kind of extra horny, tentacled, lesbian power girl or some crap like that...

... though sadly, I would kind of prefer the latter, but that's a story for another day...

Short story short, while Freak was pretty much as decent and genius in the end as its title implies, it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting from an episode where Lana actually played the heroine. In fact, except for the fact that she's still putting up with all of Lex's goddam lies and treachery (though I guess it's in her nature... goddam bitch of a gold-digger...), Lana Lang was actually written decently well here. She actually tried to save Clark without him knowing, believing him to be the next freak on the list of abductees. She was event smart enough to at least somewhat deduce the truth at the end when push came to bullet catch and shove. Since when did the writers actually let the bitch grow a brain? WTF?...

It's scary to think that the worst part of an episode for once wasn't Lana fucking Lang, but rather Lex Luthor and his goddam continuing MWAHAHA antics. First of all, how the fuck can we ever take seriously yet another Dr. Evil henchman, this time with a last name of "Bethany"? WTF? And second, Lex just seems like he's getting careless with his overcompensation of a supreme shift to evilness. In earlier seasons, he was just so damn ambiguously evil that his character was actually successful in actually half tricking the audience into thinking he had some good left. Now, it's just so damn blatantly obvious how he's superstalking Lana's supposed best friend with goddam Chlovage bondage, that the depth that Lex as a character used to have just seems to have goddam vacated the series...

Although if having Chloe half naked and completely helpless in bondage is his idea of a Friday night out? Then colour us all insane, then. Colour us all insane, indeed...

We all knew that Chloe just had to be some sort of kryptonite-infected freak, right? Sure, maybe what Tobias was detecting was just leftover particle dust shit from the time that Chloe was temporarily infected enough to get everyone to tell the truth to her. But shit, I refuse to believe the writers are smart enough to actually expect their audience to remember something from three minutes ago, let alone an episode three fucking seasons ago. So let's just assume that all has been forgotten about her little past incident at Luthorcorp Labs, shall we?...

The thing is, aside from Milton Fine and Cyborg, there has been nobody on the series with computer hacking skills even remotely close to Chloe's. Over the past six seasons of the series, most of the show's audience has been hoping that this was no mere coincidence, and Freak seemed to go along with that theory, considering a point was clearly made this week that Jimmy wasn't even able to come close to Chloe's prowess with unlocking military encryption schemes. Either way though, I'm happy that Ms. Sullivan finally got a plotline of her own to work with, one that might bring her closer to Clark in the end. I'm sick of all her teen angst pouting when it comes to putting up with Lana Lang or dealing with Lionel Luthor (where the fuck has he gone?) or whining and bitching and complaining about Lex. It's finally high time that the spotlight was shone on Allison Mack, and I'm hoping that the writers remain intelligent enough to see that through...

Seriously, was it just me or was she hot as hell in there when Clark was searing through her skin with that heat vision of his? My, how kinky, considering how he had just seen her bones naked a second earlier, and we all know his eyes beams are powered by the strength of his goddam boner down below. Fuck, he even fingered her hard like steel, although we're talking about shoving his hand straight down her collar bone in this case..

Clark wasn't terrible in this episode. He showed great loyalty to Chloe, and he somehow managed for once not to have a completely teen angst moment with Lana fucking Lang. Sure, it was still dumbass as hell that he yet again didn't reveal his secret to the bitch, as for once, I can honestly say that she earned his trust in an episode. But whatever, Clark Kent still remains the most idiotic, dumbass, "normal guy I've ever met"...

Somebody, please save us from his tired old, cliche shit. Somebody please write it in for Chloe take over all his powers, and have a new series with just her and Lois Lane getting it on with one another in sexual ectasy in mid-air?...

... but fuck, the writers just aren't smart enough to ever do that, now are they?...

... especially not after it took them six fucking years of freaks of the week...

And now I would pay any price, any fucking price whatsoever, to unsee what I have already goddam seen...

"Wait a tick, Aunt Nell is still alive? And who the fuck was next to Martha at the wedding? Because if that was Lois Lane, then by God, she got ugly real fast..."...

This was probably the most hilariously horrible episode that I have ever endured in my entire fucking life. I don't know how Promise could've outpaced all those fucking god-awful "oh shit" looks from the past, but by God, it somehow superseded them all out. I literally was balling out in laughter from all the goddam teen angst in the final ten minutes of the show. And before then? My God, I was actually cheering when Lionel Luthor was threatening Lana fucking Lang with the goddam yoke...

Nobody, and I mean nobody, acted or performed well or even had remotely what I would consider a decent script in this episode. Lionel Luthor was the closest to having at least some sort of credible plotline, but even his fell through the cracks by the end. I mean seriously, why is he being so damn ambiguously evil again? If he is evil, why hasn't he turned on Martha or Clark? Is he still pining for some Ma Kent poontang or some shit like that? There were absolutely no answers to his whacked out, Hyde of a behaviour from the past few episodes, and I'm getting sick of this whole "oh shit, he's both good and bad" question mark dangling over his head...

I mean seriously, WTF is this nonsensical bullshit that never leads anywhere? Lost? WTF?...

Chloe barely had a role whatsoever, relegated to being Lana Lang's poor patsy more than an actual goddam brides-mate. What did she really do except completely bloody hell lose her mind in assuming that the door to the wine cellar she was in just magically happened to close itself and lock the goddam bolt to boot? How the fuck could she have been so careless not to even warn Clark that maybe, just maybe, somebody had fucking locked her in? I had assumed when she gave a shrug and a sigh that she figured either Lana or Lex had doomed her to the freezing cellar cold, especially after Ms. Lang didn't pick up her phone on the other side of the bloody hell door. Yet still, Chloe pulls a Clark Kent and completely forgets any sort of common fucking sense? WTF?...

Lana Lang herself finally grew a brain, setting a trap for Clark because obviously he was too dumbass to take five fucking milliseconds of his life at super speeds to scope out the goddam area before using his powers. And it was about damn time that Lana actually realized that if she wanted to figure out Clark's secret, then whining and bitching about it to him 24/7 was not the way to get your man to trust you. And hell, I'll even commend the writers in one aspect, that the fact that as soon as Lana learned of Clark's secret (for the second time, really), once again she was put between a rock and a hard place for her knowledge. At least that was consistent, and one out of a thousand thumbs up is sadly not such a bad record for the writers after all they've done and shitted me through...

But then what does she do with the knowledge? Sits in the fucking mansion as she twiddles her thumbs, writing some goddam note to Lex about how she really loves Clark? My fucking God, make up your fucking mind already, you stupid fucking bitch. She was even too stupid to warn Clark about Lionel Luthor, even though if Lionel wasn't expecting it, Clark could easily have taken him out. Does she even realize that Clark is a Kryptonian, just like the ones she had fought before with fucking goddam meteor rocks? Yet she was so dumbass not to remember all the shit about Zod and his flunkies actually overpowering humans with kryptonite, that she was actually still too terrified to tell Clark that the very same man whoring out Ma Kent from behind was really an evil goddam, grinning bastard all along? WTF?...

And what did we get as a result? But fucking teen angst in a goddam love triangle between Lex Luthor, Lana Lang, and the odd man out (especially in terms of naming initials), Clark fucking Kent? I tried to enjoy the irony of all three of their dreams, and I even tried to give a shit about Lex Luthor having nightmares about his goddam child to be. But after the most ridiculous scene of Luthor nailing the dumbass doctor in the head and then hiding him ever so sloppily in the goddam convenient crypt he was in, how the fuck could I have ever given a shit? That was not my idea of a decent goddam storyline...

I laughed at how fucking desperate and dumbass Lex Luthor had gotten because of that bitch known as Lana. I laughed my fucking ass off at all those "oh shit" looks that Clark Kent gave to the same goddam bitch, even after the wedding was finally done and over with. And I fucking was rolling on the floor in fucking tears at Lana Lang, writhing and wiping the same goddam floor with her own bloody hell rivers flowing down her cheeks. How the fuck can't I enjoy an episode where all three of the most absolute morons on the face of the planet are all acting as if it was Dawson's Creek, season fucking goddam two, all over again? How the fuck can't I help but try to recover from my goddam eye sockets rolling all the way to the back of my fucking head? WTF?...

My fucking God, I have never gotten so much damn enjoyment from an episode that so very not meant to be intentionally funny, since the last time I was balling at the stupidity of goddam Star Trek Voyager...

So thank you, writers. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how shit my own writing is, I can always somehow find someone with goddam worse...

It took Smallville how many years to think up something so damn novel and ingenious?...

Are they sure they didn't want to be even more creative? Like, replace the first letter with a "K" for good measure?...

"The only thing more embarrassing than Kane in Smallville?... was The Rock in Star Trek Voyager. My fucking God, that was embarrassing"...

Why the fuck is the WWE shoving down our throats the so-called star of See No Evil, to the very damn teen angst series that obviously I don't ever want to see again on the air? Why couldn't they have at least force fed us back John Cena and the same ol' shit with Robert Patrick? Then at least I could've got my money's worth from the goddam "Vince McMahon wannabe" here and now...

But strangely enough? Maybe it's just that this episode was actually meant to be so ridiculously stupid, that I sadly found myself enjoying it at times. Maybe it's just the old skool WWF fan in me at heart or some crap like that, but I actually sort of enjoyed the classic face vs heel 'bout between Clark and Titan at the end. How the fuck can't I get into the sheer stupidity of an episode that features chokeslams and roundhouse uppercut finishes to the sound of Mortal Kombat music? WTF?...

Yes, it's true. Combat was about as intelligent of a television show as WWE Smackdown was every fucking week. Yet I watched that bullshit (along with even WCW Thunder back in the day... my fucking God...) for God knows how many years, so of course I have the uncanny ability to completely shut off my goddam brain in front of the bloody hell boob tube, thank you very much...

I think it shows a hell of a lot of something when during an episode of Smallville, I turned the channel to "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader" and immediately felt more intelligent and accomplished. But after God knows how many years of cheering on Steve Austin on fucking WWE Raw? Then I guess the explanations of how I could put up with Smallville after all these fucking years finally become a whole lot clearer...

Because let's face facts. Smallville has never been a show for the aristocrats and the civilized of high society, and Combat proved that very damn fact beyond a shadow of a doubt. It was just so damn lame how the most of an emotional aftereffect we got from the wedding last week was that Clark wanted to beat some lowly criminals to a living pulp. And oh, can't forget how Lana Lang loses the baby that apparently never really manifested into her becoming goddam fat after God knows how many months...

Was there really a child in the first place, or was she just drugged, will we ever know? Or the better question is, if we do ever find out, will I ever fucking give a shit? Hell fucking no to that...

I couldn't help but laugh at all the emo-turmoil between Lana and Lex. Sure, I knew that their whole honeymoon was canceled not really because Lana was a pure fucking, cold-hearted bitch, but that the show couldn't afford the sets for the Bahamas or wherever the fuck they were supposed to go. But either way, it just felt so fucking cheap how the loss of the baby took place after just one fucking scene of an evil looking doctor making faces from an evil looking doorway. Was that it, honestly? All we get out of this pregnancy angle bullshit in the end was a tear down Lex's cheek, a gas shortage, a flock of seagulls, and that's about it? WTF?...

Considering how fucking much I obviously so goddam enjoy every single scene that drags on with Lana Lang in it, I was hoping for at least some sort of mental compensation from seeing Lois Lane in a tight-ass leather outfit. Of course, even that led nowhere, as we didn't even get a decent fake match between her and Clark. Sure, at least she got to put the lesbian kiss of death on Ashley from the WWE, although that scene honestly made no sense when you actually try to think about it. But thinking has never really been the forte of anyone fucking associated with this show, nor has it ever been a strong point for us past and present fans of the WWE anyhew, so why the fuck would I care? Stars and stripes forever, baby...

Okay, so maybe I was expecting a bit more from Chloe or even Martha Kent than what we got out of Lois and Lana, but even that was asking too much from an episode called goddam "Combat". All Kent did was whine and gripe that Clark was being a whiny and bitchy freak of nature, while being too damn dumbass to ever question the motives of her new found whore of a boyfriend. Meanwhile, what did Chloe do but stupidly leave a photo of her fight club story out for Lois to find in the goddam trash can? How the fuck can she freeze frame a shot from the goddam internet feed, yet claim to not be able to goddam record it? How the fuck does anything she did in this episode even remotely make a bit of logical sense? WTF?...

And goddammit, the writers made her mention that her "latent" meteor power was her uber l337 hax00r skillz. Which obviously means that the writers are far too dumbass to ever possibly have made that her power in the fucking first place, or in the fucking future either. My fucking God...

Instead, the best they could think of were the terms, "crush, combat, kill". Has a nice ring to it though, especially considering the ring it was all taking place in was the ever patented WWE steel cage...

Well, duh, moron. You're on earth, where for no goddam logical evolutionary reason whatsoever, absolutely no fucking weapon known to man can somehow hurt someone from another fucking planet. So what the fuck else would you kill him with? A fucking rock? The Rock? WTF?...

... reminds me more of my shitty ass, WWE Crush car combat game for the Gamecube than anything else...

And yet? Such a guilty pleasure, to finally see Clark and Kane duke it out in no man's land...

... or at least, it was all better than actually paying fucking money for Wrestlemania...

Really, was there any real sort of enjoyment that we were supposed to extract from Progeny, except for the pains and languishes of one goddam Lana fucking Lang?...

"Colonel Pendergast figured it all out. Her pregnancy was faked to force a marriage to Lex Luthor? So, aha, she was a gold-digger afterall. That motherfucking bitch"...

How the fuck could I possibly not ball out in laughter at the scene where she's falsely accused of faking her own pregnancy to get married to a billionaire? I mean honestly, after knowing her for so many damn years and after just taking one look at that slut of a face, how the fuck could I not understand why the doctor assumed she was a fucking gold-digger right off the bat? She's been bat-shit insane for how many years on camera now, and it actually scares me knowing that the character will somehow now get even more angtsy and bitchy as the season wears on...

The rest of the episode focused on Chloe's mother, who had dark brunette hair for some goddam reason. She had an interesting power, the ability to control other meteor freaks, which apparently includes her own daughter to the point where bad, bloody parenting was involved. And oh, right, this episode also included her forcing her daughter to be stupid enough to attack Lex Luthor in a cheap looking BMV and get herself into trouble with the authorities to boot. Nice plan, mom...

Did we really learn anything more about Chloe this episode that we didn't already know or didn't care about? Out of the blue, we finally meet her mother, who actually turns out to be the new freak of the week. It was interesting I suppose, the talk that the two had as her mother was slipping back into a coma, if only in the sense that Allison Mack actually is a decent actress on the series. But besides more teen angst from the goddam series, not to mention yet another token appearance by everyone's favourite Ma Kent, Progeny offered no real value to the current season except by having Lex Luthor prove that he truly is one badass SOB...

Well, okay, so he also proved that he fucks up a hell of lot by having his secret 33.1 facility in a place where Chloe of all people could've taken a dozen photos of and gotten a hundred different voice recordings from. How the hell Lex Luthor could slip up bad enough to let some wind elemental asshole of a freak of a week escape from his Imperio of a prison, I will never know. But at least thanks to his threats against Chloe there at the end, not to mention the fact that he fucking faked Lana Lang's entire goddam pregnancy, it all cemented the fact that he really is the true villain of the series. I just don't see how his character evolved from the kind person he was in season one all to the way to this badass bullshit, but bleh, whatever. It's Smallville, so I merely shrug, accept it, and move on with my life...

Because isn't that what Clark Kent does, except when it comes to Lana fucking Lang of all people? He keeps pining and whining and going all emo whenever she admits to have a baby miscarriage, and yet never bothers to ever use his brain when Chloe of all people is bringing fucking kryptonite to his bedside? WTF? The only thing I did enjoy from Tom Welling's performance this episode, was the look on his face when waiting until the very last second whether to save Lex from a goddam tear gas canister to the fucking face...

... sigh... if only Lex Luthor really wanted to prove himself evil this episode, he should've forced the mother to make Chloe do a hell of a lot more pleasant things for him than just show up at his front door, if you know what I mean...

Fuck, if only Chloe's mother had forced her daughter to do a hell of a lot more pleasurable things to herself? Then fuck, maybe we would've had a decent episode then...

... of course, the fact that I kept thinking about that while noticing the distinct lack of Chloe cleavage in the episode, probably means I'm just as much of a bastard as Lex ever will be...

Not like I care, really. I mean, sure I may be evil, but unlike Lex Luthor, at least I'm also a realist and a true goddam pragmatist...

... not to mention a wannabe hypnotist who gets turned on by the goddam struggle, but that's a story for another day..."

"Just when I thought Smallville was becoming a decent series for the first time in goddam recorded history, the writers had to yet again pull some shitty ass moment from the bowel bullshit of their asses...

"Oh my God at goddam, fucking naked Helo. Why must you haunt me so, Helo? Why, goddammit, why? Why not a Grace fucking naked Park as a sexy slave supersoldier? Why must you taunt us so, goddammit, why?..."

Jesus fucking titty Christ, what is wrong with the goddam writers? Nemesis was a solid episode for the most part, starting off with strong moments with Lionel Luthor along with his son, then coming together with an absolutely ruthless (yet somehow enjoyable) Lana Lang pulling the ever proverbial strings, and Clark and Lex proving once again that their so-called friendship of the past really was the only decent thing the series once had going for it besides the ever omnipresent Chloe cleavage...

But then the writers once again, like always, decided to scrap whatever brain cells they had left in their craniums, and gave us some worthless bullshit scene of Lex being MWAHAHA-randomly evil all over again, staring at the goddam man pecks of goddam fucking Helo of all bullshit pansies and pussies to machinate. Where the fuck are my Grace Park sex slaves, goddammit? If we have to put up with Helo, at least throw us a bone and a boner like Battlestar Galactica does with God knows how many Grace naked Parks to compensate. Yet we got none of that saving fucking grace here in Smallville. Lex really is evil then, now isn't he? WTF?...

Really, the largest complaint I have with this episode oddly enough stems from Lex Luthor. I mean, I guess the writers did a decent job in the past outlining why his friendship with Clark went sour and awry. The only problem was, Clark was correct at the end of this episode, that he did give up on Lex far too soon, and probably helped turn him to the dark side in the process as well. Because if memory serves me right, it was like Clark Kent was just asking Lex for favours left and right in the past, and never actually being a friend 'cept by giving oh shit looks and stealing away Lana fucking Lang. From any neutral standpoint, we could all see that Clark Kent was abusing his friendship, money and power from Lex fucking Luthor, and anybody with real common sense would've ditched that Kent-ass farmboy long ago for hoarding so many damn personal secrets...

... and I don't think that's how the writers really intended the reasoning for their schism to go, me thinks...

But at least in that scenario, we saw the loss of their friendship gradually develop. What I still don't get, is how Lex went from a decent but confused man in the early seasons of Smallville to the monster he supposedly has become now. What fucking drove him to the point of stealing army men from overseas and turning them into goddam naked supersoldiers to scar the eyes of all men who watch and witness? WTF?...

We saw here in Nemesis that as Clark pointed out later on, there are still glimpses of humanity left in Lex's soul. He did come back to save Clark, even if perhaps it was just out of convenience for that ever-so convenient two-person ladder they both later found and climbed. So how the fuck did the poor bald sap who used to just play pool and piano all the time, turn into this goddam insane, corporate mongrel of a monster? It just sort of happened with no real logical explanation whatsoever. WTF?...

That's not to say that any of this is Michael Rosenbaum's fault. He's done a fine job of presenting Lex as an evil son of a bitch for the past two seasons, regardless of the random shit stupidity of the writers, and he once again did a damn fine job here in Nemesis. He's the only real actor on the show (next to perhaps John Glover) who can tell a thousand stories with his facial expressions alone, and I think he did just that when witnessing the blood trickling down the arm of Clark Kent. I really do think that the actor did a superb job in leaving the audience guessing as to whether he really was going to leave Clark down there to die alone or not. And if there is any real tribute to the writers to be given here this season, I really do think that Rosenbaum saved their asses by really selling and making us abhor his character for what he has done to Lana fucking Lang all season long...

... well, at least officially... under the table, I just can't help but root for the guy in turning Lana fucking Lang into a goddam fucking Luthor...

And you know what's strangely enough ironic? I wish that she had gone through a fake fucking pregnancy years ago, because her evil turn to the dark side has actually given the actress a reason to be on the goddam show. Kristen Kreuk is a horrible actress at being anything but a horrible bitch, but finally on the series the writers have given her a chance to shine. Against all sense of logic, I actually really enjoyed her performance here in Nemesis, as she threatened Lionel Luthor was accidental death and went so far as to spew a wonderful cauldron mix of sweet ass venom right back into the face of her husband when it was all said and done. Her speech was actually wondrous written, as the writers really do have a thing for merciless, meticulous malice and malcontent...

Finally, Kristen Kreuk has found an actual purpose on the show, which can only mean one thing in the near future...

... or the audience does, thanks to a certain lack of oh shit looks and goddam Clark Kent teen angst next season, at least...

Didn't Tom Welling just turn thirty years old or something, and yet still he spends the entire episode pining and sobbing away at the girl that Lex supposedly stole from him? Now yes, I always wanted a girl to be the dividing factor between Lex and Clark as friends and foes, and Michael Rosenbaum has really done my ideals for the series justice, but Tom Welling just seems to piss away all those achievements with his goddam one-dimensional acting. The only thing he provided in Nemesis was a fear of kryptonite, a puddle of superhuman blood, and yet another grudge of an oh shit pissing match while laying there helpless on the ground. Why is it that despite everything that Lex has done and done evil in the series, that we still end up siding with him whenever Clark Kent opens his dumbass mouth?...

... well, until we were forced to endure the naked and neutered Helo once more as torture to the goddam eyes, that is...

... God, Lex and the writers are such fucking bastards for inflicting that on us...

And if there were any real faults with Nemesis besides the goddam meaningless ending that pretty much came out of nowhere (yet nobody in their right mind should've been caught by surprise by it)? It's just that, not only was Chloe barely used in this episode at all (which is becoming quite the disturbing trend), but that once again we have no fucking clue where this storyline with Lionel fucking Luthor is going. Ma Kent admits later on that she still doesn't trust this replacement dad she's been whoring herself out to, and for good reason if you consider that he was the man who blackmailed Lana into marrying Lex at the altar...

But what is this now, that Lionel is claiming that he's protecting Clark from Lex or whatever sort of crap? Sure, I'm interested in what the writers have in mind there, but this constant see-sawing of his goddam character just seems to be showing off that the creative minds behind the series have really no fucking clue what to do with the best fucking acting they've ever had on the show. WTF?...

Still, while Nemesis did have its flaws, with the complete lack of Grace fucking Park sexing it up with her old Edgemont gal-pal of Lana fucking Luthor? At least it was still better than any fucking Star Trek movie I've seen of the same fucking name...

And at least it ranks right up there with Green Arrow and whatever other rare episode I've actually liked this year so far, as one of the most well written Smallville hours of this horrid, goddam sixth season of the show...

For once, the writers proved that perhaps when push comes to shove, they're not really my nemesis...

... because for a moment there, when even Lana fucking Lang for once was goddam bearable to watch?...

I saw a glimpse of something from the series that I haven't witnessed in a very long time...

"Smallville really is black and white in terms of just how shitty and crappy ass the series can be...

Noir had a good concept, not to mention a decent storyline with not so bad twists, contusions, popcorn concessions and concussions along the way. But unfortunately for the show runners once again, the execution completely sucked goddam darth monkey balls, to the point where all the film noir screen transitions reminded me more of goddam Star Wars than any actual great film back in the day...

"Lana fucking Lang dies again, just to tease us so? Please say this is all foreshadowing, because what the fuck is wrong with the writers? Why can't they just leave her be, dead on the floor? Why, motherfuckers, why?..."

Is it so wrong to say that I find Kristen Kreuk at her hottest when she's completely unconscious and down helpless on the floor with a bullet wound to the chest? Err, guess it is wrong, so that's a story for another day...

At least Noir got that part of the story right, about the hot ass women at least. Chloe looked like fucking shit in the past with her horrible half-accent, but at least Lana Lang was dressed as a pure doll, and Lois Lane as a 40's singer was decent enough in retrospect. Hell, if there's anything to really complement about this episode, it was the costumes and props. All the old skool cars and dresses and even the nerdy glasses that Clark Kent had going for him in the Daily Planet were all done well enough to remind me of the old days of Superman, to be honest. You know, the real Superman comics of yester-year, not this teen angst bullshit known only as a piss poor pre-Spiderman 3 rip-off...

But how the fuck can I possibly enjoy an episode in black and white that stars Jimmy fucking Olsen of all goddam fucktards? Probably the only time I smiled in this episode was when he announced he was being sent away for the rest of the season. Hell, that would've been the happiest moment of the season, if only I didn't know that the actor was already contracted to come back next year for the seventh. Instead of feelings of overwhelming joy, I was sentenced to just wallow in the shame and embarrassment of seeing Jimmy Olsen with a horrible accent and somehow no bow-tow, basically sleuth around to the point of deducing that anyone who smokes or has a cigarette case is obviously goddam evil in the end. And ironically enough, he was right on the money...

I can't just blame him, though. Even Michael Rosenbaum was off his game, seeming just like his usual Canadian hick of a self within Jimmy's dream world, acting as a rich tycoon with no accent and basically no use in existence but to scheme out generic MWAHAHAs. It was nice that we got evil Lana Lang out of it all again, but it was a bitchy kind of evil Lana this time around that I just didn't like. She tried to be all sexy and seductive with Jimmy the reporter, but it just failed so miserably as apparently the actress couldn't even pull that shit off, no matter how dolled and dressed up she may be. I was expecting some sort of big reveal at the end that would make all the shit we put up with her to be somehow made up for, but instead all we got were more cryptic messages about Lionel Luthor and more teen angst with goddam secrets kept from Clark fucking Kent. WTF?...

Lionel Luthor really is making no sense in the series. He was a bad guy a few episodes ago, then he seemed to turn back to the light side of the force, and now suddenly he seems pitted in an evil MWAHAHA war over Ares of all Helo-pussy wannabes? WTF? I guess he wasn't the one who sent the killer after Lana, despite Lang's suspicions, but Lionel is just plain confusing right now in his role in the Smallville universe. Does he even have a role at all besides being goddam ambiguously evil? Even John Glover couldn't pull off a good 40's accent for God knows what reason. Didn't he fucking live during that decade? WTF?...

Weirdly enough, the only thing I did enjoy in this episode (besides the cuteness that is Chloe in Superman's arms), was the fact that Tom Welling pulled off a decent enough Christopher Reeve's Clark Kent of an impression in the Daily Planet. He was actually convincing as a geek, and not that damn bad at being the suave superhero of a crime-fighter at night. If there is any reason to watch Noir again, it's ironically to see in a dream sequence the kind of world that Smallville should have been in the fucking first place. Hell, it even featured the aforementioned classic shot of Superman zooming in to catch the pretty girl and save the day. They apparently just don't make Superman episodes like they used to, because why the fuck can't the writers pull off this kind of shit on a regular goddam basis on the series? WTF?...

Noir is pretty much as black and white as you can get with a Smallville episode. There were times that it showed potential, times when it showed decent enough and thoughtful writing, and moments where you could actually feel the spirit of old skool Superman trying to rip and claw its way to the goddam surface...

... and then you got fucking Jimmy of all hosers of posers of losers, playing the goddam hero...

Noir might've done better on a whole if it was aired earlier in the season, before the final story-arc of Ares and Lex's total descent into madness was meant to take place. But here, this is where the writers and producers finally decided to unravel and unleash the useless storyline of Jimmy fucking Olsen on us, just in the middle of when Smallville was actually getting goddam interesting for once? Do they even have any sense of goddam momentum or know the fucking definition of the bloody hell word? WTF?...

Like I said, if I just wanted super-cheesy action and horrible scene transition sequences? I'd put in a goddam original copy of Star Wars, thank you very much...

... or hell's bells, if I'm really desperate, something from the goddam prequel trilogy...

"Fuck, I had such high hopes for this episode. I expected it to be the greatest episode yet when it came to Lex's descent into darkness, and yet it turned out to be nothing more than a culmination of goddam Freak of the Week episodes of horrible days gone by...

... well, of their powers at least, all in one fucking wuss of an excuse of a man...

"We got Helo as a goddam Cylon and a frakking Resurrection Ship to boot. The only things lacking were goddam Apollo along with Ares, and where the fuck was Grace fucking Park? I say again, where the frak was Grace fucking Park? WTF?"...

It was a cool concept, to have Lex use Titan's alien DNA (they punctured his skin, how?) to create an army of goddam universal soldiers. And to be honest, it's not like Ares in theory was such a weaksauce of an opponent for Clark, having the abilities of super strength, super speed, force field generation, and cloaking invisibility. The problem was, the final battle between the two of them was about as goddam impotent and pathetic as Helo is every single fucking time we see him on the BSG screen. Just one fucking hit from Clark, just one fucking hit from the wuss known as Clark fucking Kent, and then Ares the prototype goes down for the count? WTF is this shit, the second season of Battlestar Galactica? WTF?...

On the bright side, at least we really did get to see the dark side of the force in Lex Luthor. Not only did I love that little smirk he gave when Ares took out his entire security force (then again, if past episodes were any real indication, then Lana fucking Lang with a nail clipper could've taken out all his security guards), not only did I enjoy how ruthless he was in dealing with the evil US Senator from Stargate Atlantis, but the way he manipulates and lies to his wife are probably the most sinister thing he has going for him as a villainous character. There was absolutely no sign of moral good in his stares and glares and body language whatsoever. And while obviously I blame the writers for not developing his transition into darkness nearly as well as they could've, I still have to give huge props to Michael Rosenbaum for selling the complete lack of a soul in his character with all his heart and might...

I just wish that we got the same damn care in their characters from every other cast member on the show. Normally at least, I would give two thumbs up to more Chloe cleavage for instance, but she was absolutely useless in this episode yet again except for spewing out some Utah tales from Smallville Legends. I mean, sure she's a great actress most of the time, and she can fucking read out of a phone book for all I care as long as she keeps on showing us the goods. But seriously, she's been so damn underutilized this season that it's simply no longer even goddam funny...

John Glover was back in a rare appearance by Lionel Luthor, but once again, I'm just getting annoyed at how ambiguously evil he always turns out to be. There's just no middle ground with him, as either he's the man who's really trying to save Clark from the "mirror" enemy coming up in the season finale, or he's really that damn evil as the ominous music keeps making him sound. And at least we got a token appearance from Ma Kent once again, but I wish it wasn't in such a way that made the US Senatorial system look like a complete and utter joke. So a state senator suddenly gets to go to Washington, even though she has no fucking real experience on the job whatsoever? WTF?...

Lois Lane continued on her one-woman rampage against Lex Luthor and all his evil minions, but once again proved to be nothing more than a convenient plot point, not to mention the damsel yet again in distress. If it wasn't for her goddam former romance with Wes, a guy who apparently was married to the C4 non-freak of the week a few episodes back, then Project Ares would've been a goddam success and then maybe we could've gotten some real bouts between him and Clark. So when it comes to the disappointing goddam, super-speed knife attack at the end (where Helo was so damn stupid that he even decloaked before lunging to his death), I blame Lois fucking Lane for being the goddam Grace fucking Park of the series. Basically, being hot for the camera while making Helo a goddam fucking pussy at the same fucking time...

Lana Lang had her moments this episode at least, and for once she proved to be somewhat useful to the cause, now that she knows Clark's secret and all. She fed him a bit of information, but goddammit, she just couldn't do it without showing more goddam teen angst, now could she? What the fuck was with those goddam Romeo and Juliet looks between the both of them? Smallville is anything but Shakespeare, yet I sadly got the impression from all her goddam hiding from her husband, that the writers were somehow trying to imitate the romance of the goddam Bard. Either that, or Kristen Kreuk still believes there's some sort of decent actress buried deep down in her soul and she's trying desperately to bring it out before she loses her job and all remaining credibility. Good luck with that I guess, you stupid fucking, Edgemont bitch...

Because hell's bells, I didn't want this episode to be more about Clark Kent whining over Lana fucking Lang fine-dining with Lex fucking Luthor. I wanted it to be about Superman versus the first of Lex's goddam super soldiers, and at first it seemed like it was a fair fight. With Titan's strength and Clark's own superspeed, I was hoping for at least some sort of even bout between the both of them, with Kal-El at least having to use his brains and X-ray vision to find the cloaked motherfucker. But nope, apparently only Milton Fine ever proved a challenge for the emo boy wonder, because just one fucking shot from his heat vision was enough to completely burn apart the bullet-proof force field that apparently took a mini-nuke before to penetrate? WTF was this kind of cheapass, budget bullshit? WTF?...

Bah, the inner geek in me just can't help but be disappointed at the fact that Smallville didn't bother to use any real special effects except to show off more Helo fucking clones in the Resurrection Ship near the end. But at least we got more evil smirks from Lex fucking Luthor. Sadly, that was the highlight of the show, besides the goddam minuscule hope that Helo in BSG will someday meet the same fucking fate as he did here in fucking goddam Smallville...

There was so much potential in Prototype, but I guess that's true to the very definition of the word. Afterall, I guess I can hope that this episode was simply a tease for a truly kickass season finale and perhaps a stellar seventh (and hopefully final) season of the show...

... but if the prototype being Helo of all fucking pussies, is truly the metaphoric source of all fucking potential?...

Then fuck, there really is no hope left in this small world of ours, now is there?...

Oh wait, sorry. That was the shitty ass Ben Affleck movie they were talking about. Nevermind...

Because sadly? Phantom from Smallville was nothing but a complete waste and goddam bomb of a season finale...

"Lana Lang was killed off the series? Yeah fucking right. Why didn't the white mail truck just paint a 'She's in Here' sign on its fucking arse? WTF?"...

For almost an entire fucking season now, I've been so eagerly and breathlessly anticipating the demise of the most angsty and bitchy character to ever disgrace the small screen. I admit though, that Lana Lang had been improving as a character ever since she changed her last name to Luthor, but it just wasn't enough to redeem six fucking seasons of goddam fucking Clana bullshit. Kristen Kreuk single-handily turned the mythos of Superman into a goddam emo-estrogenized version of goddam Edgemont, and that's really saying something. No matter whether the character was finally starting to slap her way in stride, the bitch just had to go...

But what the fuck did we get here? We got more fucking angst between her and Clark, even after he admitted his goddam secret of being an alien from another fucking planet (as if I'd ever believe that, even as a dumbshit cheerleader). And then what? Nothing else but a goddam faked explosion to frame her husband and start some shitty ass jail-bait sitcom for next season, where I assume Lex Luthor will do anything he can to never let slip the towel and soap. Could it be anymore obvious that she set up her own fake death when the fucking blindingly white mail truck swept right in front of her the very last moment that we could see her? I'd like to think that it was all a red (or white?) herring and that the creators really are gonna keep her character in limbo for the seventh season of the show. But sadly, Kristen Kreuk equals big ratings from goddam teeny boppers and their goddam emo boyfriends, so what the fuck else can I expect but the frightful return of the goddam bitch?...

The writers all claimed that one of the series regulars was being killed off the show, and I doubt they meant Martha Kent becoming a recurring character from Washington or Lionel Luthor staying as nothing more than the ambiguously evil shadow in the background. Maybe nobody really was meant to die in the finale, and it was all really a writers' ruse to actually think that some actor's fate really was in peril. But if there is anyone that potentially has been written off of the show, in naturally the dumbest goddam fashion possible? It's sadly fucking Chloe Sullivan, that's fucking what...

What the fuck are the writers thinking? I know she's been one of the most underutilized characters of the entire season, almost bordering into Pete Ross territory at times, but that's never been the actress' fault. So instead of giving her a decent script to work with, what do the writers do but give Chloe absolutely the dumbest fucking freakish power ever? I mean, just the other day somebody at work sent me a link to the Darwin Awards on the net, featuring tales of the dumbest of shit people who remove themselves from the human gene pool with the most illogical of deaths. And if anything, Chloe deserves to be right there with the rest of those Darwin Oscars, as what the fuck kind of power actually kills you randomly as you shed a fucking tear? Was her brain somehow absorbed by Lois Lane or some shit like that? Even so, what the fuck kind of shitty ass power was that for Ms. Fucking Miracle Computer Hacker? WTF?...

It's not like she did anything the rest of the episode, and neither did Lois Lane. Did we get any real cleavage from either of them? Hell fucking no. So then what was their purpose here in Phantom? Lois did nothing but rave and crave over the demise of Wes, and then got herself stabbed in the most pointless of attack sequences. And then what does she do instead of calling the police or 911, but rather calls Chloe who apparently doesn't call the police or 911 either? WTF? I thought Chloe was the only one deserving of a goddam Darwin Award, but apparently the same kind of suicidal survival skills are spread across the entire family fucking gene pool. WTF?...

At least in this episode we got the return of the Martian Manhunter, although his appearance was so damn worthless in the sense that he at first tried to use his telepathic powers, only to become dumbass enough not to phase himself out before getting super-punched into the goddam stratosphere. He did confirm at least that not only was Jor-El a good guy, but that the ambiguously evil Lionel Luthor really wasn't that damn evil afterall. But wait, if Lionel was really such a good guy, why the fuck did he make life completely miserable for Lana fucking Lang (unless he was a watcher of the show, like us)? He claimed he needed a person on the inside, yet Lana brought him absolutely nothing of value except some stupid ass Funniest Home Video of a phantom that apparently him and Martian Manhunter knew all about in the fucking first place. WTF?...

Okay, so at least Lionel Luthor temporarily tried to play the part of the hero by bringing kryptonite to subdue Clark Kent or some shit like that. Of course, it wasn't his fault that he didn't remember that this "mirror" version of Superman actually feeds off of the goddam green shit...

Oh my fucking God, is there any symbol in the Kryptonian language for goddam eyes rolling to the back of the fucking head? Talk about goddam cliche...

If there were any good moments in Phantom, they came in the final ten minutes (which by my count, was cutting it way too close and short for comfort). I expected action and suspense for a season finale, as even the past two years of Smallville have been pretty damn decent at that. Whether we are talking about the mystique and the majesty of the Fortress of Solitude or the threat of Milton Fine and Zod turning the world into Geico Cavemen, at least there was some sort of real feeling of Superman in those two episodes. And up until the final five or so minutes of Phantom, I felt nothing nearly as powerful as Clark looking like an emo-dumbass while trapped in the Phantom Zone. But at least for five fucking minutes of the show, the writers finally did somewhat redeem themselves...

The last Darwin Award of the night goes to Lex Luthor, for being so damn dumbass that he actually believed he could take blood samples from a fucking intangible phantom of all fucking alien thingies. I would've actually preferred if he could, to be honest, as I enjoyed the threat of more Lex Luthor super soldiers than pretty much any other freak of the week bullshit we ever got in the past. But alas, he went crying and kicking and screaming into the night when a little possessed soccer kid kicked his ass and took his scientist's name (or fingerprint). He should really take notes, that he should never be in the same fucking room as a psycho alien zombie that can possess your body and rip your apart like a fucking goddam face hugger. So seriously, WTF was he doing, taking that thing to the dam in person, only to lead the police straight to his evil fucking hideout in the process? WTF?...

And Clark? Well, he never needs any introduction to the Darwin Awards, considering he constantly keeps earning top fucking marks in that regard every single fucking year. This time around, he was warned by both Lionel Luthor and the Martian Manhunter that this phantom was special, that it was the only one truly capable of kicking Clark's ass for good. Basically, he was told it was the Kryptonian equivalent of Lex's own super soldiers (wait... wouldn't that be Doomsday then?...), yet our fearless hero was still dumbass enough just to stand there like a fucking deer in the headlights as he got a piece of his steel soul ripped from his body. What a brilliant motherfucking hero. WTF?...

Well, at least the fight that ensued between Clark and his Bizarro counterpart was decent. Short and swift, but effective nonetheless. The damn dam shit however, reminded me too much of X-men 2 for comfort, but whatever. At least for five fucking minutes, we got what we wanted, an actual real fight between two beings of Kryptonian power. I kind of preferred the dance-like-elegance of his little bout with Zod at the start of the season though, or the WWE choreography of his fight against Citizen Kane more than the hyper-Return-of-the-Sith shit we got here instead. But whatever, flashy lights and big boom explosions always seem to dress to impress when I'm the one reviewing, so at least I can say Phantom wasn't a complete fucking waste of my time...

The only question is, where do we go from here? Was there any fucking point to bringing Bizarro Superman into the fucking Smallville universe? Why not Doomsday then, if they really wanted a credible threat that almost every Superman follower knows? The Bizarro villains are best known from that fucking Seinfeld sitcom more than anything else, so why the fuck bring in some blue faced motherfucker as the cliffhanger of the season? Was there even any real build-up to this shit throughout the season at all? What the fuck were the writers thinking? WTF?...

... it's the fucking writers, directors and producers of this goddam show, that's fucking who...

Do they want to commit series suicide and put themselves out of a fucking job?... WTF?...

... well, considering most of them would just migrate to the better show of Heroes anyhew, why fucking not then?...

The sixth season of Smallville was not just a fucking piece of goddam shit, but absolutely one of the worst turds of seasons that the show has ever produced...

... and as bizarre as that is to say?... well, that's saying a hell of a fucking lot...