IvanF's Noname Archived Reviews for the Seventh Season of Smallville (2007-2008)...

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- IvanF's No-Name Archived Reviews for
The Seventh Season of Smallville (2007 - 2008) -

- IvanFian Last Updated: December 8th, 2008
- Notable Episodes: Bizarro, Kara, Lara, Persona, Arctic
- Best Episode of the Season: Apocalypse

"For the first time in seven fucking years, I think I'm actually relieved to have Smallville back...

It's not like I was looking forward to the season premiere or anything. It's just that, for the first time in God knows how long, there was actually a chance, a goddam fucking chance, that Lana Lang was actually fucking goddam dead...

"Lana fucking Lang, completely inconspicuous in China. Nice fucking blonde wig, lighting the skies up from goddam space, you stupid bitch..."

Why, oh why the fuck couldn't the writers have just left her dead? Even if we just got a fucking single scene of her leaving Smallville once and for all after faking her death, at least that I could've taken with pride and stride. But no, even with her on the opposite side of the goddam world in fucking China of all places to blend perfectly in, the writers still managed to find a way to force in a goddam melodramatic stare between her and Clark fucking Kent to the sound of emo epilogue music. Why, oh why do the writers keep tempting and teasing then fucking us over like this? Hasn't her story already been finished by now? Hasn't the actress become all washed up by now? What purpose in existence does it serve to even her character existing anymore, besides hope that no man ever has to hear her talk? WTF?...

At least the writers have tried to offset the goddam retarded return of Lana fucking Lang with the introduction of Supergirl, but even that was just goddam embarrassing in execution in the season premiere. So what, they wanted to make her seem like an angel to Lex to start this whole redemption sub-arc of his, WTF? Sure, the cute little blonde actress playing the part looked decent in the beaming sunlight, and I'm sure she'll get some guys to stay tuned to the show in the end. But already, starting from the cheesy as fucking flying effects near the end, I can tell she's going down the same path that Lois Lane and most WWE wrestlers always get lost in the shuffle from. They start out with decent introductions, only to be completely fucked over by the veterans of the cast and crew and the jobber of a hammer later on...

Goddammit, I know that Laura Vander-whatever was only brought on for testing the Aquaman waters for a goddam spin-off. But still, the only thing that can truly save her character on Smallville after such a lousy intro episode, is if Supergirl turns out to be the one true love that Clark Kent finally gets horny and gets it on with. All we need now is a little Red Kryptonite to start the fucking party...

Oh, Clark Kent, what a total waste of time and space and effort you truly are. The whole time you were moping about letting Bizarro into the world, completely ignoring all sense of character development and interaction in the acting process as usual. I can't believe over the summer, I kinda actually missed Tom Welling's high school prom type acting, with his constant constipated "oh shit" looks whenever he tries to seem distressed. At the very least, I expected some sort of decent battle between him and his own Bizarro self (who basically just acted as a weaker version of his whole Red-K incarnation), only for the special effects budget to get wasted even more than it was against Zod. First of all, he killed Bizarro with a single fucking dragon punch into the goddam stratosphere. What the fuck kind of season premiere of a payoff was that? And second, how the fuck was he able to evaporate an entire fucking river or lake or ocean or whatever the fuck he did at the start. With the damn dam gone, the water wasn't at fucking sea level, yet the water just stopped gushing and rushing at him anyways? Build a fucking new dam, you lazy fucking ass. WTF?...

Bizarro was such a goddam strange episode in the end, in just how drastically every character had changed to pointlessness over the course of one summer. Now, I can understand how Lois was relegated to just ass-status as usual by the writers, but even characters like Chloe seemed completely out of place all of a sudden. Her crying over Lana Lang felt completely forced, although having Tom Welling's stellar acting chops there probably helped ruin things as well. And this whole dumbass subplot of her miracle powers of rising from the dead just led nowhere, with it more or less being forgotten with Chloe returning back to her usual invisible sidekick role after ten fucking seconds. Is there ever a payoff to a major plot-point from a previous season finale in Smallville? Last year, Zod and Brainiac were forgotten within ten minutes time, and now here we had Bizarro oddly enough getting his ass kicked in five seconds flat (why did he even bother taking Clark's body to become corporeal then?), and Chloe Sullivan completely acting out of character, evidently bored as fuck with her acting career...

If there was any single plus to this episode, it was that once again, Michael Rosenbaum stole the scenes he was in, simply by staring at Supergirl like every male with eyes would. He wasn't convincing in the very least through his whole redemption act, but I guess that was the point, wasn't it? You could see in his eyes that after seeing an "angel", he thought it was a message to reform, but there was really no true desire within him to ever do such a thing. Gotta give him props for his acting talents there, and gotta him the thumbs up for yet another concussion from a super-villain judo chop. The series will so fucking suck even harder than it does now, if Michael does end up leaving after the seventh season finale, yet the show will probably fucking go on...

Because besides Rosenbaum's insane ability to act through his eyes and eyes alone? The writing at the WB is just so horrifically atrocious, that I swear there was only one fucking line in the entire episode that I didn't roll my eyes at. And surprisingly enough, it was one of Clark Kent's emo-lines that I actually fucking agreed with...

Why the fuck was I actually anticipating its return after all these months? You'd think I'd learn my lesson by now, yet I just never fucking do, as if I had the collective IQ of Clark fucking Kent and Lana fucking Lang in my goddam head or some shit like that...

But either way? My statement from way above still rings true. I may despise the series with all of my black and blue kryptonite of a heart. But I am relieved either way, that the series has finally returned...

"So, this is the future of Smallville? The WB (sorry, the CW...) is so damn desperate to keep their only remaining successful show running, that they're now clogging the screen with the hot fucking, tapping ass of Supergirl for ratings?...

"Lex had Lana cloned? WTF?... Why the fuck would he make a physically perfect but goddam mute version of... oh wait, that's why he did it. Nice..."

Seriously, I know that Smallville has done a lot of stupid fucking plotlines in its day and age, but cloning Lana fucking Lang for some stupid ass murder mystery over the summer? WTF? I had heard rumours that a female could be seen amongst the racks of 33.1 in the season finale, but really, for one of the dumbest and lamest ideas from the worst fanfics to actually turn out true? WTF is wrong with the writers? Dear fucking God, it was sad enough to know that Lana fucking Lang was still alive, but did we really have to get Kristen Kreuk trying to act all sinister yet broken up at the end with her tear-jerking performance (and tear-jerking as in so fucking terrible it made me cry)? WTF?...

As a result of all his goddam obsessing over the wife I wish was dead, even Michael Rosenbaum had a sub-par episode. Naturally, he was released from prison (with the help of everyone's favourite King Melbourne, might I add), had a boring and sketchy scene with Chloe, and then spent the rest of his time obsessing over a superhero who once again saved his fucking ass in a season premiere. Last time, it was Clark with his fucking Porsche, and we got stuck with Lex having a man-crush on his saviour for God knows how long. At least, from most men's perspectives, obsessing over Supergirl makes some sort of fucking goddam sense...

Because hot damn, was Kara ever fucking hot in that red little tank top of hers in the end. The episode was named after her for a reason, although I really wish we could've done without those a) cheesy as hell shots of her flying about, and b) her goddam teen angsty comment about how women develop faster than guys. There were some moments of comedy in there that were somewhat amusing, like when she busted open the doors to Daily Planet elevator, I guess. But for the most part, her real intro performance was ruined by just piss poor "oh shit" acting by Tom fucking Welling, who obviously looked disappointed as hell when he learned that Kara was apparently his cousin. Guess maybe the actor didn't read the script before then, and finally realized that he (probably) will never get a make-out session with the hot ass bitch actress in the red tank top? WTF?...

What did Clark even do in this episode, except somehow completely 'pwn' Supergirl by grabbing her legs (I would've grabbed something else from her derriere...) and then slammed her to the ground? Besides that, he went all emo-angsty over Lana Lang's death, then completely ignored Lois Lane and Chloe Sullivan yet again as if there was never any fucking hot pussy in Smallville before Supergirl arrived. After he finally got over pining for his goddam hot ass cousin, he just followed her around like a whipped puppy dog and talked about how planets routinely explode (wow, great Asgard knowledge he has there...). The Kryptonian dialogue between him and Kara was just so awkward and poorly written and goddam bastardized rehearsed, that I could've sworn I was watching Superman 4 or Superman Returns again or some shit like that. Because besides a beam of light supposedly acting as a "nuclear explosion", and Clark's patented "oh shit, I think my cousin is hot" looks, did we get any real action in this episode at all? WTF?...

Well, Lois Lane got knocked out with two or more concussions yet again, so at least we got something there. The thing is though, her character arc this episode was just so blatantly forced with the whole Daily Planet job routine, even moreso than it was when she first joined the Inquisitor last season, that I couldn't help but smack myself unconscious myself. The writers introduced some god-awful hot shot editor guy, who I couldn't stand not just from his 40's style cliche personality, but because of how god-awful the actor playing the part really was. It's not like the dialogue written between him and Lois Lane was any better too, as it just doesn't add up that he would offer some nobody like her a job for writing some weird ass story about a fucking alien space-ship (without any proof, might I add). It all screamed of just a carpet-blanket, glossed over plot-point to finally get Lois Lane involved in actual writing at the goddam Daily Planet, as if the writers just woke up and realized that this could be the final season of Smallville, and yet all their characters were NOWHERE close to what they should be like in the Superman comic book mythos. WTF?...

And of course, because of that fact alone, Chloe was glossed over for the umpteenth time in the goddam series. She's the one shining star they have besides Michael Rosenbaum (and John Glover... wait, where is he again? WTF?...), yet simply because she's not part of the official Superman story, the only thing she was relegated to here was HDTV bio-scans of other fucking freaks of the week. Her sole contribution to the main plotline was to get dissed by Kara as a "human", and then mention some stupid ass comment about AM radio being disrupted by alien nuclear radiation. Chloe otherwise was just completely invisible this whole episode through, and if you ask me, that would've been such a better power for her to have than just fucking emo-tears of bittersweet cousin sex...

... hmm... wonder if she should use the same shit on Kara and Clark, as she did that one special night she had with Lois Lane?...

Bah, does it really matter at this point? Every fucking character arc on Smallville has been broken down and beaten to death like a government mule with a horse throat, and nothing (yes, not even hot lesbian cousin sex... I'm being serious) can save this series any longer...

Now sure, Kara was smoking, fucking hot in that fucking red tank top of hers in the end. And thanks to my colour-blindness, it was like she was wearing nothing at all. If only she had an invisible jet along with her cloaking clothes, then maybe I would give a spin-off series with her a goddam chance. But instead, I'm still stuck on just shaking my head at how fucking ridiculous the whole Smallville series has goddam become...

I'm on Lex with this one. Forget the rest of the actors on the show, I'll just start obsessing over her...

"What was the point of this episode? Just to parade Kara Kent around in bikini and panties? WTF?... not that I'm complaining, of course..."

... oh, sweet Kansas corn... I'd tap that ass with something certainly fierce...

But really, what was the point of this episode besides the showcase of supposedly underage teenage women? Haven't we had enough random freak of the week episodes in the past, let alone ones with hot-ass bitches starring in place of vampire Lana Lang? The so-called plot of Fierce, was for Kara Kent to start fitting in with the people of earth despite her attraction and heat vision at first sight. But the thing is, she already speaks perfect teen angst English, and she already wears hot fucking clothes with a perfect fashion sense for her body. So really, what the fuck can she possibly learn from burning a smiley face into a melon? She's already more human than Clark and all the other automatons on the show in terms of personality, so WTF?...

Eh, at least we got more creepy, stalker scenes with Lex Luthor, to try to give some sort of meaning to the show. Of course, it's all just a repeat of the same man crush he had on Clark long ago, but either way, I am starting to feel bad for the guy all over again. How many times must he keep falling for someone that lies through their teeth to him? I suppose that he was kind of a bitch to Lana even before she started betraying him behind his back, but for everyone else in life, he actually was just trying to be nice most of the time. Whether it was Clark or Chloe or Kara now or even his father in the past, everyone just took him for granted and never trusted him with the truth. As evil as they tried to make Lex seem last season, I couldn't help but feel pathos for the guy for just how fucking badly he was treated whenever he was trying to be good. And now here, with Kara Kent getting instructions from Clark to never give Lex a first chance let alone a second, my heart weeps for the poor Luthor yet again...

Michael Rosenbaum didn't steal the show or anything in this episode, but he certainly did help save it at times with at least some plot movement, when it came to his discussions with Colonel Sam Carter at least (or Agent Carter?... whatever). Meanwhile, it's not like the other decent actors on the show made any real notable appearances. John Glover was nowhere in sight, Martha Kent was barely mentioned at all and probably hasn't even been told of Kara over in Washington, and WTF are the writers doing with Chloe as of late? Yes, we get that she's ashamed of being a meteor freak, and probably was hesitant to expose the MWAHAHA weather girls as a result. But really, with the few lines of script she's getting this season and how lame-ass her whole character arc has become, the writers really seem to be treating her in terms of Pete 2.0 and as old fucking news now that Kara is on the show. I feel bad for the actress, I really do. She deserves a hell of a lot more than just token scenes with Clark and Jimmy...

And oh, Jimmy the fucking Bimmy, I guess welcome the fuck back. Do I really have to dedicate an entire fucking paragraph to him now that he's been made a regular for some god-awful reason? Then again, I barely talk about Lois Lane even though she's in the opening credits, although that's mostly because she's still never on the fucking show. So hopefully the same will apply to Jimmy from now on, because my fucking God, what a bad actor that Ashmore really is. And what the hell was with his weakness to fucking ice cold here or some shit like that? Didn't he inherit any sort of abilities from his goddam X-men brother, or is Jimmy gonna go completely opposite and turn into some apeshit emo fire-starter one of these days? Drew Barrymore would probably be proud if he ever did, whatever the hell that means...

The crux of this episode dealt with the ever ensuing angst between Clark and Lana. Lex mentioned a good point, that after all Lana has been through over the past year, she's probably not the sweet girl that Clark once knew. Of course, to that claim we viewers just laugh, as if Lana was ever anything else but a fucking bitch of a cheerleader in the first place, but I digress. Either way, the writers supposedly had a situation where Clark and Lana can finally be together and grow old happy with one another. But uh oh, cue the Clark Kent 'oh shit' looks and reborn angst. He suddenly realizes that he probably won't age now that he has developed his powers, and that imagining a happily married life with Lana Lang is just not in his house of cards. Oh wow, now we've got him fucking angsting over some recently divorced bitch that abandoned him for blonde wigs halfway across the world. Just fucking great...

And wait a second. This age-old, old aging thing, doesn't it sound like that horrible episode of Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, where Dean Cain is angsting over out-living his Terri Hatcher of a desperate housewife and new children spawn, and then loses 99% of his life force to some psycho stasis pod? And sadly, that pathetic plotline and long lost forgotten show STILL had more relevance to the actual Superman mythos than Smallville ever will...

Why the hell was this episode even named, Fierce? What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Do we even have a central story arc for the seventh fucking season of the show yet? WTF?...

I sadly would've preferred watching Jimmy here go all DragonBallZ against Pyro in X3, than deal with any of the goddam Clark and Lana Lang emo crap we're getting yet again...

But at least, we got gratuitously nude shots of the underage Kara Kent as some sort of distraction filler...

"Jimmy dumps Chloe in a meteor rock heartbeat, the very moment he gets a chance with Kara? Since when did he become the smartest character on the show? WTF?"...

To be honest, I kind of sympathized with the guy in that scenario. I don't know, it's never good to be with a girl who basically won't tell you anything about herself. A relationship is supposed to be about trust, and obviously Chloe never really trusted Jimmy. Neither did the audience, which hopefully means his photographer of a character will be out of the goddam picture for a while. Still, in this backwards bizarro world of ours, I did feel bad for the poor lug at one point or another. He was taken advantage of by a super hot and vulnerable-seeming Kara Kent (not that I can blame any man with eyes for that), and then lied to through the teeth by the girl he cared most about. Sure, he was perhaps too goddam quick on the trigger to dump Chloe at any moment's notice (he was just waiting for any excuse to go after Kara, wasn't he?), but Jimmy can hardly be blamed for the way he feels. I dunno, guess in recent days, I've just been able to unfortunately sympathize a bit, that's all...

But wait a tick. I, IvanF, actually am relating to Smallville? WTF has the world come to? WTF?...

Thank God the rest of the episode was still the usual boring shit, although strangely enough, none of it was nearly as bad as the show normally turns out to be. Take Lana Lang for example, as usually she's the queen bitch whenever she tries to be cute and innocent and adorable. But here, to be honest, Kristen Kreuk actually played the role of a lying goddam damsel bitch to near perfection. You could always tell there was some evil intent in her eyes whenever she was trying to be close to Clark, and it turned out to be all true at the end when she entered her own private enclave of a Batcave. Whether the actress intended for her acting to be that precise, guess we'll never know. But just like there were moments last year as a total queen bitch where Lana Lang finally felt like a real character, I guess the same sort of shit applies here in Cure...

Lex Luthor was the opposite of Lana this episode, in the sense that he's apparently reverted back to his old form from three seasons ago. Once again, he's playing the role of the good-intentioned bad guy, shooting Dean Cain six times in the chest, hoping that the fellow was truly no longer the Man of Steel. He then helps Clark out in finding Chloe for some goddam reason, maybe because the former did save his life afterall, but it all rang so false considering that Lex himself was the one who kidnapped Chloe last season for her abilities. Is he still keeping tabs on her powers, or did he simply pass all the information onto Dr. Knox? Either way, Michael Rosenbaum once again stole the show with his acting abilities. I hate to admit this, but one of the strengths of Smallville in the past was always the uneasy friendship between Lex and Clark, and surprisingly (and shockingly... ha?) it was nice to see it back here in Cure...

Cure was an interesting episode thanks to the introduction of one of Superman's oldest and more storied villains from the comic books. Now, the writers never did explicitly state that Dr. Knox was indeed Vandal Savage, but if anything, the picture next to Hitler and the Dark Mirror "goatee" look simply gave away the fact. For those who don't know, Vandal Savage in essence was the first ever meteor freak, a fifty-two thousand year old immortal who gained all his powers and intellect from a meteorite strike back in the caveman days. If any villain makes sense to have as a reoccurring character in the Smallville universe, it's the one and only real meteor freak in all of DC comic lore. And to be honest, while I had real reservations and hesitations about Dr. Knox being played by Dean Cain of all Superman saps, I gotta admit that Mr. DC didn't do such a bad job with his revitalized comic book role here...

I don't know why I didn't mind Cure as an episode much, but something about it just worked much better than the vast majority of Smallville episodes ever made. Maybe it was because for once an episode actually centered on Chloe, the only real actress left on the show, even if her plotline was sullied by some completely out of character ideal to have her powers and memories removed. Still, while it did seem like Chloe was on PMS and completely out of her mind, it didn't change the fact that Allison Mack did a very good job with the material she was given. Whether it was hesitating whenever she thought of her decision to remove the meteor rock from her heart, or the tears that stroked her chin as Jimmy was breaking up with her over the most silly of secrets, I really did find that a Smallville episode didn't roll my eyes and gouge my hair out (for the most part) for the first time in a very long time...

Which is weird, that I actually enjoyed an episode where we did get more Lana Lang and Clark Kent angsting. Then again, since the two are finally together, maybe the angst factor was toned down to the point where I could concentrate on the Superman mythos instead? Because if anything, I was interested not only in the Vandal Savage plotline (with Clark kicking his ass into an electrical power box), but also in the blood feud running between the Martian Manhunter and Kara Kent. From the comic books, I'm not familiar with any division in the House of El back on Krypton, so I assumed that the Jor-El in the Fortress of Solitude was just Zod being a pompous ass all over again. But if the Martian Manhunter claims that Kara is a threat to the family too, then unless this isn't the real MM or Eminem we're dealing with here, I'm now confused and kinda intrigued as to what's going on. And I guess for once, all of Clark Kent's "oh shit" looks finally make goddam sense...

Cure was still far from a perfect episode. Ma Kent was nowhere to be found (her missing presence really has been felt), John Glover is still dead in a ditch somewhere, Lex Luthor as a character still hasn't developed anywhere close to the villain he should be, and of course, Lana fucking Lang was still present on the show...

But still, whenever we do get a Chloe-centric episode, especially one deeply rooted within the actual Superman mythos?...

... well, it's not much of a cure for the goddam kryptonite known as goddam Smallville...

"Well, it's settled. Smallville officially wins the Emmy for best fucking episode name ever made...

No, wait. Seriously, "Action"? I don't know what's worse, the fact that the writers thought that was a good title, or that it took them seven fucking years to finally become sophisticated enough to comprehend such a word. WTF?...

"So, it takes a fucking parody of the Smallville show, to actually establish some sort of connection to the actual Superman comic book? How the fuck does that make sense? WTF?"...

Ironically, Action was the "Wormhole Xtreme" (if you know Stargate) of the Smallville universe, where the episode literally makes fun of the series itself by parodying everything it stands for. Hell, there was even the random MWAHAHA villain of the week posting on blogs, who might as well have been inspired by any of us Smallville ranters and complainers out there on the net, bitching that Smallville has ruined whatever canon continuity was ever held sacred in the Superman universe. Fuck, was it just me, or did Action fucking rip off the same fucking storyline as we bloggers went through with the first Spiderman movie? Except here, it's Lana Lang being tossed off a bridge (err, ahem, I mean a building) and being saved at the latest minute when we fans were all begging and crying for her to die...

... except in this case, we were all demanding her death for every single reason BUT comic book continuity...

On the one hand, Kristen Kreuk was not that bad in Action. She played the role of an evil bitch villainess rather well, first slamming Lionel's head in with a shovel and then playing all pretty and nice with Clark over the cell phone a minute later. Hell, she even potentially held her own against John Glover when the two were verbally sparring later on, although of course, the great Lionel Luthor still in the end made the actress look like dog shit. The thing is though, like I've said before, Kristen can play the role of the queen bitch reasonably well, but what I've been surprised at is the fact that all her mushy, lovey dovey scenes with Clark this season have not rolled my eyes straight to the back of my head. When the two of them graced foreheads, I didn't throw a sledgehammer into my television or anything, but rather I oddly enough found it to be goddam cute. Maybe it's just because of the romantic things (or lack thereof) that's happening in my life, that all make me wish I could goddam relate, but still, WTF?...

Of course, it helps that the scene with both Lana Lang and that Rachel girl (who was essentially playing the role of Lana in the Warrior Angel movie) was purely fucking hot and lesbian as hell. But of course, that's a story for another day...

Tom Welling himself wasn't truly goddam atrocious in this episode either. His scenes with Lana felt more real and innocent than they did goddam angsty, and even though he ignored both Chloe and Lois Lane as if neither really existed, I don't have really that much to complain about his performance here in Action. Maybe it's just because ironically, an episode parodying the Smallville series itself actually did give Clark a fucking kick in the pants to get off his fucking ass and do something for the world, but I actually enjoyed the little moments in this episode, like him falling like a goddam brick from a ten thousand story building or whatever sort of crap. Just the little things, like catching a bullet and then being dumbass enough to stare at it in his hand (as usual), were a lot more enjoyable to me than normal simply because this episode didn't really take itself seriously at first, and once it did, it really did feel like a comic book story...

The first half of Action was horrible, don't get me wrong, with little to no action or plot whatsoever but for the cheesiest ass moments with Warrior Angel filming. But eventually, when it came to the whole Gwen Stacy death of a plotline (err... Mary Jane... no wait, Lana, I meant...), things starting feeling real and meaningful for a comic book fan such as myself. Obviously, the situation got a whole lot more personal for a guy like Lex Luthor as well, who still houses all his Warrior Angel comic books in cryo-stasis for eternal preservation. It sucked balls for him that even after trying to help Clark, he still wasn't able to get definite proof of the existence of comic book heroes from a crazy, MWAHAHA villain who fucking now lives in an institution full to the brim with superpowered freaks. How the fuck is that not fucking proof, and yet the guy still denied it all to Lex's fucking face? Poor fucking evil guy then, he truly has gone crazy. WTF?...

I forget what Lois Lane and Chloe did this whole episode, so I'll just ignore talking about them. If anything, the plotline for almost every character in Action was cliche and derivative, but I suppose everything just felt a lot more mature and glued together thanks to the return of John Glover as Lionel Luthor. Now, I have no idea what was the point in keeping him captive by a crazy Alanis Morisette woman, except to show how much of a vindictive cheerleader bitch Lana really is. But meh, does it really matter, when even stuck in a bear trap, John Glover still kicked fucking ass? Not once, but twice with a fucking blunt object to the head to boot? Hell, he can even give the current Sylar on Heroes a run for his money as the best damn "Brick Man" superhero there ever was when it comes to taking out people with goddam rocks. Now THAT's a true superpower...

But of course, don't get me wrong. Despite all my praise, Action was still a shitty ass, mediocre episode filled with "oh shit, that was so dumb" moments. Why the fuck did Clark leave his cape just flapping dramatically in the wind like that while pouting out his big blue chest? Was it supposed to be a slow motion, Matrix Neo moment or something, trying to look all badass without a single shred of logic or common sense? WTF?...

But despite the horribly cliche villain, despite the silliness of the overall parody plotline, I still pretty much give Smallville at least a little bit of credit every time they even manage to inch a bit forward towards that goal of turning this Tom Welling of a Clark Kent into the Superman we all know and love...

It's pathetically sad that an episode as bad as Action turns out to be like water or mana in the middle of a desert. But no matter what, at least in relation to other goddam Smallville episodes? I didn't mind Action, if only because it was still better than the first goddam Spiderman movie...

How many episodes have there been in this season of Smallville so far? Five, six, seven?...

"Could Clark have possibly seemed more creepy at the end holding his mother's DNA? He sounded like some psycho with his mother locked up in the basement or some shit like that. WTF?"...

You see, the ending of Lara was a prime example of just how dumbass the writing can be on Smallville, or how fucking stupid it is on the series as the norm. Yet for some bizarre reason, this seventh season of Smallville hasn't been bad at all overall, starting from Kara and now leading into Lara. It certainly helps that Laura Vander-whatever as an actress is smoking hot, but there actually have been interesting and well developed plot points to this season so far, for some bizarre reason. Whether we're talking about the family issues between Jor-El and Zor-El, the introduction of Vandal Savage or even Lana fucking Lang's turn to the dark side of the force, I have to give credit where credit is due. I am somehow sadly enjoying this fucking season of goddam Smallville...

This is not normal, especially considering the only good actors on the show are still being cast aside. Lois Lane was nowhere to be found, and Chloe's only use in this episode was to seem jealous when doing the usual bitch thing of pretending to be friends with her ex. John Glover really has always been the anchor of the show, yet it was his scene that felt the most awkward and off, with him talking about Starhawk and spouting a bunch of "Domestic Security" background crap. Even Michael Rosenbaum barely got into the game, taking one in the chest for the team when it came to trying to protect the blonde girl of his dreams, and then pulling a Clark Kent with his "oh shit" looks when there was really nothing else he could contribute to this episode. The actual real actors on the show did nothing in Lara, yet I still found it to be an enjoyable episode in the end anyhew? WTF?...

I mean, you know the world has gone bizarro when it seems even Lana Lang is earning her dues. She seemed creepy as a lying bitch when it came to her Batman cave of a help agency, and her psycho vindictive performance was all done on fucking purpose for once. Kristen Kreuk really can pull off that evil woman sort of look to perfection, and it actually is working out here, especially when lying through her teeth to Chloe and Clark and whoever else. To be honest, if the previews for next week are any decent indication, I'm actually looking forward to next week's episode which is actually devoted to Lana Lang. Seriously, when was the last time I actually wanted to see the damn bitch on screen? Has it ever even happened before in goddam history? WTF?...

And how the fuck can I ever forsake Lara Kent, especially when looking smoking hot in that Matrix red dress of hers at first, only to slink back into the most tight ass of jeans later on. Now sure, there were moments when she was completely over the top, namely when she turned all teenage angsty about not being able to trust family and shit like that. I mean seriously, how long has she known Clark, a few weeks? And fuck, it's not like I give a shit about my cousins and what they think of me, so why should she? And of course, I rolled my eyes at her sudden new ability to hack into the Pentagon computer systems, even though she might find our highest tech to be primitive and easy to learn, I suppose. Still, whether it came to cheap ass flying scenes against airplanes or how absolutely adorable she seemed in her little flashback videos in the barn, I really enjoyed Laura's performance this episode. She's just so bubbly and cute and actually decent as an actress, that I honestly would not mind a spin-off based on her character at this point in time. Bizarre, I know, but I've done a complete 180 degree spin on my stance from my opinion in the season opener of Bizarro...

And as for Clark Kent? Well, all creepy-son attitude aside, he didn't do a bad job overall. Sure, he's being his old dumbass self by lying through his teeth to his cousin about not knowing where the blue crystal is. But considering that's still ten times more intelligent than he normally is, I'll let it slide just this once. Though I admit, I'm still rolling my eyes at the writer leeway of his goddam sudden immunity to Kryptonite, but whatever. Lionel was apparently too late off the plane or some shit like that, so nonsensical plot movement had to take precedence over continuity and common sense. I'm all too used to it on the series, so I'll move on...

For the rest of the episode, I actually thought Tom Welling did a decent job of trying to console and relate to his cousin Kara, even if the two really are from separate worlds. It also helps that he got his ass kicked in by a little girl, thanks to the actor still being too stubborn just to learn how to goddam fly. But whatever, I'm just shocked that thanks to little or no goddam emo angst between him and Lana this season, that Clark Kent has actually resembled the intelligence level of an actual human being. What is the world coming to, seriously? Has the axis of the planet been switched to rotate backwards or some shit like that? WTF?...

Not only that, but we got some actual interesting Superman mythos shit in Lara, namely by meeting the character in question with that very name. Now, it really made no sense how the picture of Clark's biological mother managed to remain undiscovered and undisturbed for twenty or more fucking years, but it was still worth it to see just how sweet Kara was back in the day, and how benevolent of a mother Lara really was in her memories. Of course, can't forget Zor-El bashing in through the door like some dumbass sitcom character, then being stupid enough to talk about assassinations and widow rape while his own daughter with superhearing was right outside the house. But meh, all Kryptonian stupidity aside, I really am enjoying this sudden revival and reversal of truths, where the Jor-El in the Fortress of Solitude really might be telling the truth of things. Now, if only we could figure out a) how the fuck the door to the Kent house was fixed and b) how the fuck Lara and co got back to Krypton when all the Half Life portals had closed, then maybe I can count Lara as a good episode of television overall rather than just an excellent episode of Smallville?...

Realistically speaking, the quality of Smallville so far this season has been all relative, not just to its previous shitty ass years but also to every other television show on right now. Heroes has been picking up lately but was slow and boring as hell at first, Battlestar Galactica still hasn't started up, and I haven't gotten into any new show for the new year except for maybe Chuck and the odd episode of Pushing Daisies. In comparison, Smallville so far in its seventh season has been going on pretty strong, enough so that I'm actually looking forward to the next fucking episode for the first time in ages. WTF?...

Since when was the last time I could honestly say that with a straight fucking face?...

I know there hasn't been much competition lately, but still, how the fuck is Smallville of all shows consistently churning out my goddam episode of the week? Who the fuck could have ever predicted this happening?...

"Clark and Lana get it on, and I actually found it enjoyable? How the fuck does that happen? My world has been flipped and fucked upside down. WTF?"...

For the first time in ages, the writers have actually taken the goddam Clark and Lana angst, and instead of hitting us over the head with an ugly stick with all their goddam melodramatic emo bullshit, they actually had fun with the storyline and didn't take themselves too seriously. Since when has that ever happened before on this goddam series, where they normally attempt for freaks of the week to be depicted with the same damn seriousness as goddam child molesters. If you had asked me even three weeks ago, I would've claimed that the writers strike should have no effect on the Smallville series, simply because it's not like goddam monkeys at typewriters are really part of the guild. And yet now, I sadly find that Smallville has become the fucking highlight of my week? What the fuck has happened?...

Well, for starters, Smallville really did get back to the basics with Wrath. Lex Luthor knocked unconscious with a concussion? Check. Lois Lane rendered unconscious and sent to the hospital ward? Check. Chloe being useless while being jealous over Clark and Lana's relationship? Check. Clark Kent being a complete dumbass moron, requiring realism from his ambiguously evil ally of Lex Luthor to finally learn the truth? Check. And Lana Lang acting as a complete and utter goddam bitch? Oh you better believe, checkmate on that one...

The thing is though, the writers actually seemed to intend to integrate all their Smallville cliches and staples into the story, and they did it in a fun and entertaining way. Normally all the above are simply cop-outs and natural results from piss poor acting and goddam bankrupt creative minds, yet here, you could tell the writers actually meant to be this stupid, in a good way for the first time in ages. Clark and Lana getting it on, and allowing the whole town to feel their vocation quite literally, actually got me to snicker because there were no fucking angst and no fucking emo-shit, but rather just a comedic routine that was actually meant to be funny. And of course, it helps that Lana Lang looks fucking smokin' hot as hell in just a flannel shirt after sex, but even so? What shocked me even more was how cute she was with Chloe when they were talking about, you know, discussing about their sex lives. It was another moment where I actually laughed at something that was actually meant to be laughed at...

Of course, there were cringe-worthy spots. Everything relating to Lois Lane and whatever that Editor's guy name is called, was eye-rolling at best with the goddam cheesy ass, cliche romance. The thing is though, even from the music and the way the scenes were filmed, you could just tell that the producers were trying to have a bit of fun with this tired romance as well, even giving us a nice, broad, backside view of Lois Lane in a medical gown to boot. This isn't Heroes or anything, where the Claire and West romance has quickly become the new equivalent of goddam Smallville. Instead, we get amusingly dumbass scenes between Lois and the Editor straight out of the 50's, while still providing a bit of backstory of how he might be paid off by the Luthors or some shit like that. As bad as their storyline as been between the both of them, strangely enough it's been tolerable, simply because it hasn't taken itself seriously for one damn second...

If there's any shame in Wrath, it's that both Chloe and Lionel Luthor were both greatly ignored. I forget what Chloe did, except go all jealous bitch on Lana's ass. Lionel Luthor's only real contribution was to keep us updated that apparently Martha Kent was still alive and well somewhere in the Smallville universe, yet Clark Kent is too lazy to even run ten fucking seconds to meet up with her for dinner. Well, at least Pa Luthor did get to inform Clark about how much of an evil bitch Lana really is, although it's a shame Clark had to actually hear it from him rather than figure out himself the goddam truth seven years ago. But whatever, while I wish Chloe had a better storyline this season, and I can only hope things pick up for John Glover from this point on, it's honestly baffling to me that I actually don't need these two characters anymore to even remotely begin to tolerate Smallville as a whole. WTF?...

The big shift this season has simply been from Lana Lang finally showing her true colours. First, she had Lionel locked up in Misery out of spite and wedding revenge, and next she made her little Isis foundation to stalk Lex Luthor to no bloody end. Here, with Clark's powers conveniently copied to her (instead of just transferred, which would've been far more canon), she went all out with her murderous bitch blitzkrieg, the kind of which fortunately did not remind me of her goddam days as a witch or vampire whatsoever. Now, why the fuck she had to dress up like Trinity from The Matrix or whatever sort of crap, I will never know. All I do know, is that it's sad that she mastered Clark's powers more in a single day than he has in seven fucking years, even going so far to do fucking backflip martial arts kicks in super speed. Ha, while of course that shit made me roll my eyes, it was just so damn dumb and goddam intentionally retarded (I hope), that even her usual goddam stupidity gave me a good laugh...

Even Lex Luthor got into the comedy gold routine this episode, even finding Lana as a pimped out bitch to be hotter than he normally does. The kiss they shared was just so 'slap-your-forehead', migraine silly, that I actually found it enjoyable. And of course, as a true staple of the Smallville universe, Lex Luthor gets knocked out right before the battle of superpowers begins, and of course he ends up completely ignoring the fact that Lana Lang had Kryptonian abilities just a few minutes later. Man, that guy just can't get a clue sometimes, and the sheer stupidity of it all was actually enlightening here in Wrath, thanks to all the lightning coming from clear blue skies and all...

Why the fuck did Clark Kent never notice a piece of meteor rock under his windmill, I will never know. How the fuck his powers were copied instead of transferred, who fucking knows? All I did care about, was that for once, all his 'oh shit' looks actually had some meaning. For once, he came across an opponent who was just as powerful and skilled as he was. And for once, it makes sense that he would be emo and distressed, considering he finally woke up to the truth that the woman he loves is just not the woman he thought she was. Maybe I only enjoyed Tom Welling's performance in this episode, because finally the relationship bullshit is ending between him and Lana Lang? Either way though, I couldn't help but laugh at all the stupid ass things Clark did this episode, from getting his ass kicked in literally by his girlfriend, or the fact that he was too dumbass to read the warning label when it came to that Kryptonite jar holding the remains of Milton Fine...

It almost sounds like I'm mocking this episode like I do every other hour of Smallville, and in some aspects that's exactly what I am doing. But the thing is, the major difference here is that in Wrath, the writers actually intended this episode to be fun and almost a parody of their usual selves, or at least it seemed that way to me. Everything was light-hearted, everything felt loose and comical, and the actors even seemed like they were having a fun time with their roles. Nothing in this episode took itself nearly as seriously as the fucking last time Clark and Lana got it on, and I applaud everyone on the cast and crew from saving us from that goddam melodramatic bullshit...

Wrath had all the plot points and makings of yet another cliche, eye-rolling Smallville episode. Yet thanks to a few smiles and jokes, it ends up as my episode of the week instead...

... as for the first time in ages, while the world shook beneath the both of them?...

Seriously, what the fuck kind of title was that? "Blue"? After seven years, that's the best the showrunners could come up with? What, did the writers already go on strike, and they picked the name of the episode by the random colour of crayon that Tom Welling likes to eat? WTF?...

Wow. Things are finally settling back to the ways things are supposed to be. For the past few weeks, I've actually been enjoying Smallville, anticipating its return like I always hoped I would for the series. I've actually thought that characters like Clark Kent and even Lana Lang were finally blossoming and blooming into their goddam potential. I thought the writing had improved, the directing was better, and that the acting wasn't goddam high school grating grade quality any longer...

"What the fuck was that shit? Heroes, season shitty two? We got a goddam Solar Eclipse and an amnesia storyline to boot. WTF?"...

Blue was depressing to watch. It had a ton of potential, with a storyline revolving around the actual Superman mythos. But it was wasted, all squandered and rushed to the point where it really felt like two episodes squished into one shitty ass sandwich. All of the writing was straight out of a comic book in a horrible way, and I felt embarrassed for the actors as they emoted out their lines like machines, I really did. With Zor-El and Lara there, it was like watching a goddam Stargate Atlantis episode with nothing more than Teyla talking to her right hand man about Athosian food supplies. There was no emotion there, no character and absolutely no personality. Lara felt like so much of a robot, which may be excused from the storyline point that she was just a genetic clone, but it sure as hell doesn't help in making a decent episode...

Considering this was the episode of a cliffhanger leading into the holiday hiatus, I was expecting just so much more. After all these past weeks of having a decent Lana Lang on the small screen, she reverts back to trying to be the good girl, fighting off the dark side of the force. I'm sorry though, but I don't buy it. Not only were her scenes with Lara as goddam wooden as the acting was in the Star Wars prequel trilogy, but it was just dumbass how token her umpteenth concussion was here. What the fuck did she hope to achieve against Mr. Zor-Athosian over there? Even if he didn't have Kryptonian powers, I would still stay the fuck away from a flying freak in a Neo Matrix trenchcoat. WTF?...

And of course, we got horrible, horrible love-shit scenes between Lois Lane and Mr. Editor in Chief. Now, I know that this romance is doomed for failure, and I'm sure the writers are thinking of ways to eventually hook Lois and Clark up one of these days. But really, do we have to deal with all this bullshit about the office romance? Maybe I could relate to it a bit, but now that I'm thinking more clearly from my own situations? Just end it, really, and give us viewers a sigh of relief. And if anything, why bother dragging Chloe down with the Lois Lane sinking, slut of a ship? Allison Mack is too good and cute of an actress to be relegated to just the sidekick to Lois Lane and Clark Kent the whole frickin' time. Her only contribution was to stare at the goddam global eclipse as if she wished she was on goddam Heroes instead of this shitty ass show...

Was it supposed to be a surprise to us about the reveal of Julian Luthor? I for one just was disgusted with that writing, not only because the guy playing Julian is a horrible actor, but because it completely ruins whatever continuity the series had developed for Lex Luthor in past seasons. If anything, we understood Lex's descent into darkness, as it all started from when his mother suffocated baby Julian in order to spare him from the fate of Lionel Luthor. It made Lex into somewhat of a tragic, fallen hero, and it was understandable how his trauma prevented him from ever becoming a good man. But now, we find that apparently, Julian Luthor was alive and well and Lex Luthor has fucking known about it for God knows how long? Who the fuck thought up this fucking bullshit? Who the hell thought this would be a good idea? The same person who brought up in a meeting room his favourite goddam colour of Blue? WTF?...

And oh, Clark Kent, what would we ever do without you? What a moron he is, putting on the goddam ring as if he has never experienced Kryptonite in jewelry before. It was weird how the crystal could not be shattered by anything (considering green and red kryptonite has always been destructible), and it has always been strange that Kryptonite in a goddam fucking ring never has any ill effects until he puts the goddam thing on. Of course, he's too dumb to ever take precautions, and as a result, totally gets his ass kicked as the dumbass moron he has always been. Even worse, the writers then took their usual logic gaps and shortcuts to try to make him seem like the goddam grand ass hero. How the fuck did he ever make it back to the Fortress of Solitude? He had no superspeed, Zor-El claimed he couldn't find him, and as the episode blatantly pointed out, the Yaris is just too good on goddam mileage to make it to the North fucking Pole. WTF?...

Tom Welling wasn't the only actor made out to be the dumbest person on the goddam planet. I felt bad for Laura Vandervoort, as this was really the first episode where she was atrociously awful aside from the wardrobe. My only good memory of her was that tight ass, blue T-shirt she was wearing, as to me that was the real title and headline of the story. Besides that, she was just so damn angsty and naive, following her father and then being too damn dumbass to even go into superspeed mode to try to take him out with a knife. I know she was meant to be torn between loyalties, but the writing was just so goddam lame and comic book cliche, that it pained me to hear Tom Welling and Laura communicate as if this were a high school Shakespearean play. To add further insult to injury, her goddam emo-ness turned her into goddam Peter Petrelli by the end, resulting in the worst fate of all. Not just the amnesia per say, but getting stuck in goddam Detroit...

This episode was just a total waste of time, and I honestly want that goddam hour of my life back. The plotline was so full of potential, especially after I loved episodes like Lara just a few weeks ago. Yet the writers and producers and directors just gaffed and fucked things up so completely, rushing and squandering whatever opportunities they had at actual goddam respect...

I mean, not only did this episode come out of nowhere during the holidays, but it completely caught me off guard too...

"Clark Kent was charming, confident, caring, and most of all, competent? WTF? That's just not right. That's just plain bizarre..."

I don't get how the fuck Bizarro is back into the Smallville mix, or why the hell he would stick his neck out to save worthless friends of the real Clark Kent like Chloe. All I do know, is that Bizarro sure is a smooth, charismatic player when it comes to the ladies. Not only did he have Chloe eating out of the palm of his hand when it came to aiding in the search for Milton Fine, but he also actually made his romance with Lana Lang into something goddam bearable for once. How the fuck Bizarro survived the season premiere or why Jor'el would lock his son up in Stargate frozen pod stasis, I have no clue, and I don't really care. All I wish for Christmas now, is that from this moment on, we have this bizarro Clark Kent large and competently in charge instead of that lumbering fool of an emo idiot that we normally get. WTF?...

So let me get this straight, apparently Tom Welling does have the acting chops to seem adult-like, intellectual and almost human-like when he's finally given a role that's written half damn well? Who would've thought, right? But if anything was more surprising, it was that I could tolerate his relationship with Kristen Kreuk this episode, and it didn't even have to rely on her god-awful Chun-Li, thunder-thigh skills at witchcraft and martial arts to pull that off. For some odd reason, the two actors in this episode actually did look at each other with some real love and concern in their eyes, and they actually did hold and console one another as if they actually meant something to each other. Why on earth the writers and Tom Welling would only accomplish this when it's fucking Bizarro in the mix and not the usual Clark Kent, I have no clue. All I do know, is that somehow the two of them, Lana and Clark, actually did look like a sweet couple for once. WTF?...

Meanwhile, Chloe finally got some extra screen time, but unfortunately it was at the mercy of that god-awful Jimmy the Bimmy running about. Or actually, the both of them were stuck in an elevator together with no way out but to scream to the heavens for help, which sadly enough worked. It was a Christmas episode, so I can understand why the striking writers would try to get these two characters to kiss and make up and move on with their proverbial lives for whatever's left for the abbreviated season. And from that viewpoint, it wasn't so bad, seeing the two of them act so awkwardly and then pull out the total cheese factor when it came to their lip-lock. Once again, Allison Mack proved to be a good actress who pulled off a decent performance in her little Die Hard of a situation. I wish she had more important things to do in the season than to just be Jimmy's arm candy the whole way through, but hopefully the writers will have something planned for her character next season or some shit like that. At least the reveal of her meteor freak status was somewhat touching, literally at least...

My memory's gone a little hazy since going on vacation, so I don't recall if Lionel Luthor was anywhere in this episode. His son was though, both of them, or at least a carbon clone of one of them was. I thought the writers have jumped the shark in Blue, when they revealed that Julian had somehow survived being strangled and left for dead by his mother, thus ruining whatever motivation Lex Luthor would have had to turn evil in the first place. Now, while I still don't enjoy how the writers keep pulling random shit out of their asses, at least I can appreciate that they didn't completely ruin Smallville continuity, as it turns out this Julian was simply a manufactured clone of the original child. Of course, it took half a season of horrible acting from Gabriel Grey, not to mention Tomin taking a retirement break from conquering worlds in Stargate SG-1, to forcibly figure this shit out. But whatever, guess you've got to take the good shit with the bad...

Erica Durance as Lois Lane still hasn't shown one iota of good journalistic skills in the series, but at least this episode continued continuity in just how ballsy and dumbass her character really can be. She was trying to protect Chloe, sure, but she sure could've warned her in a lot of different ways, even if she was being watched by the Ori up above. Her one decent scene came at the expense of her boyfriend, when she actually was willing to point the gun at him in order to save her cousin. At least the writers have some family values for their Christmas time special, although naturally Lois Lane suffered cliche concussion number nine in response to her bravado and stupidity. Good gift for her, I guess...

And as for Lex Luthor? Michael Rosenbaum, if he does not return for the still-in-question eighth season of the show, will quite surely and sorely be missed. He's been a "good guy" for how many episodes now, yet here in Gemini, you could just tell that he can't resist falling back to the dark side of the force, despite his best intentions. As far as he was concerned, cloning a brother was a minor offence that didn't harm anyone, almost like music piracy is for most people. But when it came down to the thick of it all, he played God by not just creating human life but also taking it away, killing off Tomin and doing the SG-1 team a huge service in the process. Lex can't help but treat people as Christmas toys, even if technically his new brother Julian was never real in the first place. While this whole cloning plotline literally came out of nowhere and I can normally never stand the writers for doing this kind of randomized shit, I will still give my props to Michael Rosenbaum, for always saving the showrunners' asses straight from the goddam recycle bin of fire...

Gemini in that sense, was like a two-faced episode in terms of quality. On the one hand, nothing made sense when it came to Bizarro still existing or how the fuck Luthor suddenly learned how to clone a brother into existence. And hell, it certainly hurt as hell that we got no sights or moaning sounds of Kara Kent in a tight ass T-shirt all over again. Where's our fucking Christmas gift there?...

But on the other hand, no actor dragged the series down, as even Tom Welling and Kristen Kreuk made a decent impact on the small screen together. Maybe I've just been overly sappy from the holiday season and from what's been happening in my own private life, but really, it's been just downright strange how I've actually felt myself swoon at their goddam relationship this season, for whatever goddam reason...

I know, this has been a bit of a late review. But can you really blame me, when this episode caught me so off guard?...

"The last time we saw this Bizarro Clark, he was the epitome of a perfect hero and man. WTF happened to him?...

Because now? Brainiac, I guess was right. Bizarro Clark fell to the same damn kryptonite as the real Kent, and it sure as hell wasn't blue...

"My fucking God, does Lana Lang really make everyone around her into a whiny, incompetent ass? WTF do they see in her? WTF?"...

Bizarro Clark fell in love with Lana, that was just plain sad. What ever happened to the Phantom being some badass creature from hell? Instead, it turns out he has the same damn faults as Clark Kent does, as they both fell for the worst bitch on earth, and they both fell under the supreme intelligence of the Brain Interactive Construct or whatever sort of crap. I expected Bizarro to be some sort of supervillain, and yet he turned out to be nothing but a pussy of a patsy. Are we viewers supposed to become enraged and then feel pathos for Lana and Clark, after fucking Lang sucked the balls right off of Bizarro over the past two weeks? If anything, Bizarro Clark had it right, Lana was always meant for him. Problem is, she didn't suffer the same fucking fate with the blue kryptonite as her goddam lover did. Where's Romeo and Juliet: The New Adventures of Superman when you need them? If only that had happened, maybe it would've been a nice ending to a romantic comedy afterall?...

The best part of Persona was the return of Brainiac, who managed to outsmart both Clarks, not like that means very much. I did feel bad for the Kryptonian guy with a family on earth, but at the same time, his sacrifice made Brainiac feel more like a true villain in the series than anything else. I would love to have Milton Fine back on the show for the rest of its shortened season, but it doesn't look like that will be the case. He didn't fool me with his whole shape-shifting thing, but I must admit that compared to what the writers normally cook up on the series, Brainiac did impress me with his wits and cleverness. He was the best villain that the series has ever known, and it's a shame that we may never see him again before the potential end of the series. If only he could've sucked the metals and whatever negative intelligence Lana Lang had out of her concussion-ridden brain, then maybe we could've had that heart-swooning ending to the story afterall?...

Chloe was basically useless in this episode, about as much as Clark Kent normally is. But Allison Mack at least played her small role to perfection, showing true concern for her friends and being intelligent enough to notice when Clark was being competent and somehow goddam romantic. At least she knew something was off, which is more than I can say for that whore Lana Lang, who obviously was with Clark for his body rather than his goddam charming personality. If anything, Persona definitely did feel a lot like an old skool Smallville episode, although I admit it was done well enough to pass off as a fourth of fifth season show. The thing is, once again you had Chloe playing the hero through her smarts, hiding the Kryptonian beacon before Bizarro could suspect anything was wrong. Meanwhile, you had Lana Lang being a bitch and slutting it up, probably wishing that she hadn't gotten her new boy toy to blow his load all over blue Kryptonite chunks...

Meanwhile, we had the little B-side-story of human cloning with Julian and Lionel Luthor finally getting to know one another. It was obvious right from the get-go that Lex would not allow his new baby brother to survive another day. The thing is, as pathetic of an actor that was playing Gabriel Gray truly was, and no matter how cheesy of a plotline it was to have your own cloned brother, I actually enjoyed this half of the episode simply thanks to the acting of John Glover and Michael Rosenbaum. It's like a broken record over the years, how these two actors provide all of the greatest moments in the history of the show, and it still holds true to this day. Whether Lex was being emo as hell while dancing in the rain, or Lionel was laying it out to his son about Lex being the one he lost, I actually enjoyed the father and son brainy interaction between the both of them. Now, if only Lex had ordered a hit on his father and then cloned his own mother to fuck her as well, then we could've had a lovely Oedipal ending to this whole romantic threesome like an episode like this truly deserves...

Truth be told, I did enjoy Persona for what it was worth. Unfortunately, what dragged it down most was that Tom Welling just can't fake a proper personality for long periods of time on screen. Bizarro Clark actually acted like a mature human being in the last episode, but failed at everything but wooing the brain-dead Lana Lang here in this hour. Meanwhile, what was the point of Jor'El holding Clark hostage in the fortress for weeks at a time? And what the fuck was Chloe claiming, that the real Clark Kent has a memory like an elephant? An elephant with brain cancer, maybe, because what the fuck was she smoking? Tom Welling played the role of two clueless men from Mars in this episode, which was a severe disappointment over last week's treatment. Now, if he can ever just dump Lana Lang and get it on with Chloe like every viewer wishes could happen, then maybe this show will have the fucking decent ending that we've all hoped it would have...

Because the age old story, of Clark Kent suffering from the Kryptonite known only as Lana Lang, has gotten real old over the past seven years. It's time to move on with the story, it's time to move on with the mythos, and it's definitely time for Clark Kent to move on from the goddam whore of a bitch...

Persona was a decent enough episode to watch, mainly from the return of Brainiac and the amazing son and father dynamic between Lex and Lionel. But with two bloody hell Clark Kents at the goddam helm, and no sightings of Kara to put my mind and other body parts at ease?...

And with the goddam ending consisting of even more melodramatic bullshit between Clark and Lana to the sound of emo music?...

"Siren had a lot of potential, but just didn't have the sweetness of song to lure me in...

On paper, it seemed like it would be one of the better Smallville episodes, like the introduction of the Green Arrow last year, considering Siren was the return of the same damn character. But it just didn't turn out as well as I had hoped, and why?...

"Half a fucking episode of pure Clark and Lana angsting? Half a fucking episode? Was this supposed to be the trap of the Siren? Have the writers all lost their fucking minds? WTF?"...

On the bright side, finally we got somewhere in terms of Clark and Lana's goddam relationship. Finally, the gloves came-off and Clark gave some real low-blows to the fucking bitch who wears the pants in the household. It was good to see just how their relationship could suddenly turn so sour, and just exactly why these two sweethearts were never meant to be together. Clark has a destiny that Lana just can't cope with. She fell in love with Bizarro because he's selfish enough to screw over the world in favour of her. Lana is a complete self-indulgent princess of a bitch who needs to be treated on her pedestal to stay goddam silent. Not like I'm saying Clark was right in all the attacks her made on her. It's just that, he finally spewed back some of the bullshit that we viewers out there have been screaming for years...

And if there is any real hope for the series, it was the touching moment that Clark had with Lois in contrast to his earlier scenes with Lana. Lois just couldn't deal with Oliver Queen's double life, how she would always come second place, and here she was crying on the shoulder of a man who's even more dual-faced than the former love of her life. How the fuck she will ever fall in love with Clark Kent as a man, enough so to accept his destiny for the world, I guess we viewers may never know until the series known as Metropolis. But for some odd reason, just like back in season four, you can see chemistry in the way that Clark offered comfort to Lois Lane there. Lana has never been a strong, good woman (although she at least has shown strength in true vindictive fashion), while Lois on the series has always been confident and independent enough to survive on her own. I don't know if Lois can ever truly compete with Chloe for Clark's heart in the audience's mind, but at least we got some indication and reason that the writers aren't complete fuck ups here...

On the dark side of the force though, I had to suffer through half a fucking hour of pure fucking angst for all this? The first half of this episode was nothing more than just Clark and Lana staring at each other like an old married couple that couldn't stand the sight of one another. And while sure, I know that's what the writers wanted, it certainly isn't the kind of shit that I want to waste half a fucking hour on in a day. The series somehow was so much better with Bizarro in the mix. Lana was right, I so would've preferred an actually strong, caring, confident and competent hero on the fucking show than the goddam Clark Kent that we were stuck with in this episode. At least we know that Lana cheating on Clark like the bitch whore that she is, will eventually make Kent turn into the real hero we've always known him to be. We've all known it to be true, that Lana and her sluttiness just slows him down...

And yes, I was disappointed at not only the return of Oliver Queen but also the guest star role of the Black Canary. I do admit, that I didn't know anything about the latter before this episode except her powers from the DC Comics, and shamefully I just didn't find any interest in her character like I did for The Flash or even Cyborg before. She was decent looking with that black haired wig on, but as a short-haired martial artist on rooftops, she just didn't meet my expectations. Sure, she hit it off decently with Oliver Queen right off the bat, but besides making Clark's ears bleed, she did nothing special or noteworthy on the show. And besides, it's not like her attack on Clark was anything unique. Lana Lang has been doing the same with her goddam bitchiness to us viewers since God knows when...

It was good to get some scenes in with Oliver again though, considering I rather enjoyed his moments last season. And he had a few good ones here, namely when tied up and owning up to his identity when it came to Lois Lane, and there was a pretty good CG fight at the end against Lex Luthor as well. Now, I will never fucking understand how the fuck a knife thrown could move just as fast as a goddam bullet from Clark's point of view, but who am I to argue against such DC science? Either way, the one saving grace of this episode were the bunch of bullets fired from the hand to hand combat at the end. At least there, Smallville once again did feel like a super hero story, and I guess we have the return of the Green Arrow to thank once again for that...

I dunno though, maybe I was just disappointed in Oliver for overshadowing Chloe like he did? Here she was relegated to Lipton's sidekick status all over again, playing around with the easiest fucking hacking tools I have ever seen in my life. She didn't do anything but whine and grate about how useless she is, which is ironic considering I guess I'm doing the same. She never even got to talk with Lois about the return of Oliver or any of her feelings, why is that? Even Lionel Luthor got some quality time with Lana throughout the episode, so why didn't the writers bother to give Chloe a chance at a stern lecture to her so-called best friend?...

Aside from the final battle, I just couldn't enjoy Siren. The name itself brings up wondrous images of beautiful women singing seductive songs, but all we got instead was the ugly man-eating side shown once they finally lure their prey in...

Siren may have meant to be a title for the Black Canary, but its meaning was far more true for Lana fucking Lang than anyone else...

Rumour has it, that the WGA writers' strike may finally be over. Normally, I'd imagine that would be a good thing...

"So, we finally got a little inside perspective into Lex's mind, quite literally actually...

There was just one problem though. When it all comes down to it, why the hell did he seem so much more sane in the membrane than I? WTF?...

"Wait, that was it? The worst torture Lex could come up for with Clark, was to watch softcore porn and give us the best, most tolerable Lana Lang scene in God knows how long? How the fuck is that punishment? WTF?"...

Aside from the overly abrupt introduction to this episode, where we catch up with Lex and Lois in Detroit of all shitty ass cities, I didn't mind Fracture for what it was worth. It was a reasonably well thought out episode in terms of giving a little insight into what makes Lex tick. Hell, we even got some good Lionel moments for the first time this season as well. He truly was the bigger man here, trying to redeem how truly spiteful and bastardized he was as an early father to Lex, by admitting how much he cares for his son in the present day. I suppose if I were Lex, Lionel's wish for forgiveness on some level would feel like too little, too late. Still, it doesn't change the fact we got a brilliant scene with "Alexander" painting his figurines, with also the long-awaited return of Lex's mother in the flashback as well...

The main plotline of some noname busboy holding Kara and Lois hostage was something I definitely could've done without. And while it is possible to survive a fucking bullet straight into the brain, the likelihood of making it to a local hospital let alone be flown back to Smallville for one, is minimal at the very best. But I guess the real purpose of this episode was to show us that duality side of Lex, where on one hand he genuinely wants or wanted to be a good guy (like by saving Kara), and on the other hand his obsessions and curiousities kills whatever hope he ever had at being a good man. And if there was any real positive for the guy, it was that thanks to Chloe healing his wounds, does that mean Lex gets a reset on the number of concussions he has left before becoming as dumbass as Clark?...

Michael Rosenbaum once again did a great job, and looked rather badass in white dress shoes as well. He could've definitely been more evil in his mind than he was, as like I mentioned before, the worst thing he did to Clark was strangle him in front of the only scene of Lana Lang I've been able to tolerate all season long. Besides that, he and John Glover had a few amazing moments together, notably their final one when the son simply walks away from the father. Couple that with some decent work by the young actor who played Alexander, and what you have here is a pseudo-sequel to Lexmas that I actually did enjoy for the most part...

Tom Welling didn't do a horrible job in this episode either. He showed genuine concern for both Lois and Kara, and yet wanted to save the good in Lex as well. Where the hell this is going in the season, especially after Clark shut him down when Lex genuinely did want to seem to improve at the start of the year, I guess we will never know. Lex is too far gone now, simply because of how he was mistreated and mistrusted in the past, and no amount of words from the boy scout can change that any longer. Either way, Clark's scenes with little Alexander were surprisingly decent and poignant in how it opened his eyes to his former best friend. And of course, every time I see Clark Kent wince in pain like we always do at any of his scenes with Lana fucking Lang, is quite frankly long due justice after we finally got that naked Lana scene we've been begging for since the bitch actress first opened her mouth...

Well, I think you two readers out there already know what I thought of Lana this episode, but the other gal pals of Lois and Kara weren't horrible themselves. Kara is always nice looking, no matter what she wears on screen, especially when drenched by downpour. Lois was sort of just there, mumbling a few useless words and picking a few pointless locks, so she doesn't really get any brownie points either...

What I was impressed at though, was that we finally got a few decent moments in with Chloe again. She used her powers (with decent CG effects, mind you) to save the man who had kidnapped her a season ago. She never hesitated to save the mind and body of a madman, even before Clark's life was on the line, and that definitely is the making of a true heroine. And the fact that this sacrificial power of hers brings her to the very brink of death, really does show how much heart she has and how very much she is the core foundation of this very series. Allison Mack has been far too underused this season for anyone's liking, but I'm always pleasantly surprised again and again whenever she's given a chance to shine, quite literally here might I add...

Fracture was exactly as the name points out. It had some good points, some boring parts, and none of it really came together on a whole to make it a better than average episode compared to the rest of TV. But compared to the rest of Smallville, it was a fucking godsend, and well written too I should add. The idea of being sucked into the mind of a madman has been done so many times on Sci-Fi before, but somehow seeing Clark and Lex go at it as the friends they once were, reminds me of one of the few scant reasons why I stuck long with this bloody hell show in the fucking first place...

Of course, next week we have the return of Pete in a goddam knock-off of the shitty ass Fantastic Four, so...

... there for you are two of the fucking reasons why I wish I left this show in the fucking first place...

Though still, my mind on the matter is obviously a bit divided, a scant bit splintered...

"Wow, I know I complain about this a lot, but "Hero" as a fucking Smallville title? How fucking original is that? How the hell did it take seven fucking seasons to think up that name? And how in the blue hell does it actually apply to this craptastic episode?...

"Pete Ross returns... along with a freak of the week storyline, a pussy whipped Clark Kent, and a nonsensical script. What is this, season fucking two all over again? WTF?"...

Wow, good times, right? Just like good ol' times, even with Pete Ross still hoping that Chloe would finally go black over blue...

It's a pretty sad statement of fact when I say that Pete Ross' most memorable episode in the series was either the one where he rips off Fast and the Furious, or his date tries to suck out all the fat from his face. It's even sadder to think that Hero was worse than either of those two episodes, at least in terms of entertainment value, although I do admit the heart was there. This episode was titled, "Hero", simply because it was all about Pete realizing just what it felt like to be Clark when it was all said and done. Problem was, besides a hardy thanks and a hand shake at the end, was anything really resolved with the Ross character here? We all know it'll still be "light years" until we meet him again, so honestly, was his only true contribution on the series to show off his goddam Stride gum as a goddam advertisement? WTF?...

Did Clark do anything in this episode besides whine and pout? I don't even recall anymore if Lana or Lois had any sort of role with him in this episode, if they were even in it in the first place. Besides that, all I remember from Clark Kent was his wide-eyed pissed off look when he realized his best buddy of Lionel Luthor was withholding secrets from him. So what now, has Lionel Luthor replaced Lana Lang beyond just the LL name initials, to the point where he feels more betrayed from him than the love of his life? Well, that certainly explains a lot about Tom Welling as a character, but it sure didn't make for entertaining television here...

Lex was a snivelling bastard once again, and really the only saving grace of the series along with John Glover. I don't really know why Lex needed Kara's bracelet back from his father's vault, except to lure Kara more into his graces I suppose, but at least it provided some sort of plotline with the whole Veritas group to come. The two Luthors once again proved how acting should be like on the series, but I have my doubts with where this storyline is going with Lionel Luthor. Seriously, how many times can they turn him into a bastard bad guy on the series, only for him to prove that he was a good person all along, despite his ominously evil actions? The unnecessarily evil act gets old real fast, but at least the actor makes up for it by taking screen time away from the rest of the shitty ass cast on the show...

What else happened this episode? Chloe hides her secret from Pete, Mr. Ross then somehow lays a computer virus of a bomb on the entire office with some sort of l337 hacker skillz, and Lana proves to be a complete bitch in lying through her teeth to Kara Kent? And oh yeah, we got a Fantastic Four rip-off of a superpower, just fucking great. Yeah, err, not exactly the most stellar hour of television out there, I'm afraid to say...

"Okay, I admit I enjoyed Traveler for what it was worth, at least as much as the shitty ass Star Trek episode of the same name. But that doesn't mean that Smallville made any sort of plotline sense here in this episode. Not in the slightest least, in all accounts...

"If Lionel really was on Clark's side, why the hell would he hire Chief Tyrol? Not only is he a fat bastard with multiple copies, but wasn't he already on the show before and proved to be worthless? WTF?"...

So once again, here we have a plotline with Lionel Luthor acting all ominously and unnecessarily evil all over again, as if we was still being a total lying bitch to Lana Lang in the house of Luthor. Why the hell do the writers force us to put up with the same shit every single fucking season, simply because John Glover is normally a good enough actor to pull it off? Yet even he has his limits, and everything dealing with his character just felt so forced here in Traveler. So he built a cage to house Kryptonians, and developed Kryptonite taser weapons that are less effective than just throwing a goddam meteor rock, all for what? To keep Clark nice and safe and tortured until Patricia Swann showed up sporting a decent face but absolute knock-out legs to boot? WTF?...

Here let me get something off my chest, that thanks to Patricia Swan's chest and in the immortal words of The Sarah Connor Chronicles? "lol, too bad (she died). She was hot." I was so disappointed when they offed her character, not just because she could have continued on the Dr. Swann plotline, but also because I could stare at those legs in those goddam business skirts all fucking episode long. Why the hell didn't Lex see it my way though? You'd think that he would want goddam information, so why not just kidnap the bitch and sexually torture her until she gives up all the information he would ever need? Or at least, that's what I would do as the magnificent bastard's son, but apparently Lex really has no imagination as the villain of the story. WTF?...

Okay, the jist of this episode was that Lionel was acting as a complete wack-job for no apparent reason whatsoever, except to somehow protect Clark from something coming up this season. Didn't we go through this same stop gap shit last season? Can't the writers think of anything new? Once again, Clark throws a hissy fit, acting like a complete woman in not listening to reason after he was abused and tortured for one piddly ass episode. Does he really have that little faith in Lionel Luthor, a man who could just kick his ass then and there with a Kryptonite bullet anytime he wanted? It wasn't just the overall plotline of this episode that made no sense, but also Clark and Chloe's absolute refusal to listen to Lionel's side of things. Why not just let him talk, and only then kick his ass to the moon? Do they all have Lex Luthor syndrome or some shit like that? WTF?...

As for the rest of the cast of this episode, did Lana and Lois or anyone really show up here? Oh, right, Lana was with Chloe doing detective work, probably laughing to themselves about how hard it was to sneak into the Luthor mansion. And then there was the complete cop-out with Kara Kent when it came to her memory, just suddenly and magically fixing itself thanks to a pillar of light in the Fortress of Solitude. Was anything really accomplished there, besides Chloe admitting that she loves Clark, and Kara Kent losing the ability to look hot as hell in white clothing from that point of? Well, whatever, she looks awesome in any colour of clothes, transparent or not...

And what did we get from Tom Welling? Just him lying flat on his back, whining and griping and bitching in pain and agony? Sure, this time was caused by an evil Cylon bastard with a Kryptonite cage, but I personally didn't sense any difference between Clark Kent here and him normally being a complete pussy ass when it comes to Lana Lang. Traveler was not Clark's finest moment, regardless of what Patricia Swann had to say. Is this really the man we want to shape the destiny of this shitty ass planet of ours? WTF?...

The best part of Traveler on Star Trek: The Next Generation, was that it eventually led to Wesley Crusher being tossed off the show. I wish we could have had the same effect here with Tom Welling and Kristen Kreuk, but I guess we'll have to wait until next season to learn the truth behind that...

... or the Veritas really, of why Lex wasn't smart enough to keep Patricia on the show helpless in bondage...

I enjoyed Traveler for what it was worth, but sometimes?... or always, really...

"Veritas is Latin for "truth". And the truth of the matter is, Smallville has had a really bad second half of the season, and Veritas did not help in that regard in the very least. Not by much, at least...

"So, let me get this straight. We had Lionel Luthor, literally begging on his knees for ten minutes, yet he never once took the chance to actually say what he wanted to say? What kind of shitty ass writing is this? WTF?"...

Truth be told, I know that parts of Veritas were moved to the next episode (Descent) after the writers' strike was called off. Veritas was originally meant to be a season finale, and it wasn't so bad in that retrospect. It was good to see Milton Fine back, although he was far too MWAHA-ish for how overpowered he was to be taken seriously...

So, let me get this straight, not only is he capable of flight but also warp speed in space now? What's even more confusing, is that Kara Kent would for some goddam reason trust that Brainiac would keep his side of the bargain. Even worse than that, WTF was the point of her flying up into space? She does know that a) flying further away from the Sun only weakens her, and b) she only has 15-20 minutes of goddam "air" up there, right? So, umm, what the fuck can she and Brainiac do up there in fifteen fucking minutes only? No, wait, don't answer that one...

If there was one real highlight to Veritas, it's that Lana Lang finally got what was coming to her. I mean seriously, how could I not cheer when James Marsters stated that Lana there with the white eyes was in "excruciating" pain? More than that, finally we Smallville watchers got what we've been demanding for years, sheer fucking silence from that Kristen Kreuk bitch. There are rumours that she may not be back for the eighth season of the show, and leaving her in a catatonic state next to some angelic homage to her first encounter with Clark on the series, would've actually been a decent way to end things. At least then, I'd know that I'd never have to listen to her whine and grate and bitch ever again. It would've been a happy ending, if only this were the end of the season...

One thing that was good about Veritas was that every character had a decent role, just in case this was the final episode of Smallville. Chloe got to have Lionel begging at her feet, and she proved her loyalty to Clark yet again. Lois Lane finally made a reappearance, and strangely looked smokin' hot to me in a greenery or Green Peace or whatever kind of uniform. Jimmy the Bimmy made his return from the dead land of horrible script writing, by at least showing off some journalistic skills and integrity rather than just leeching off of any audience goodwill that Chloe can get these days. And hell, I even felt bad for Kristen Kreuk at times, since I know most people watching would surmise that her white eyed gig here was the best she's ever been on the show, and probably better than Tom Welling was in The Fog at least...

Where this episode falls apart though, is with the true heroes and villains of the show. I've already mentioned how completely dumbass Kara Kent was by capitulating to Brainiac's demands, as her only good contribution to this episode was looking hot and cute as hell while teaching Clark how to fly. Meanwhile, the boy wonder of Tom Welling looked clueless and emo angsty as hell the whole way through. Not only did he look like he was about to cry that his best friend of Lionel Luthor had betrayed him, but the actor is still refusing to just get off his feet and fly for ten fucking seconds of the series? His moments as the missile-like Kal-El a couple seasons ago were brilliant, and leaping onto a nuclear missile was memorable, so why not just soar into the air one last time? Not only did the character look lazy as fucking hell, but the actor looked lethargic and prima donna as well. Did Clark Kent achieve anything in Veritas, except look dumbfounded and confused while being whipped as Lana's slave, even though she couldn't actually say anything? WTF?...

John Glover meanwhile, did the best job he could in delivering the lines he was given. The problem was, while he was meant to be a man looking for repentance and redemption, he was just far too desperate and far too emotional to be taken seriously on his knees here. Like I mentioned before, why whine and plead with Chloe for ten minutes straight of her time, when he easily could have just said what he needed to say? Arguably, the character is looking to be appreciated and trusted again, more than his desire to actually help Clark out. But still, it was weird seeing John Glover go so above and beyond what we knew of his character. While it was an interesting change of pace, it did feel forced too much at times as well. Maybe it would've worked if the original ending to Veritas had stayed, but I suppose we'll now have to see how it all works out in Descent...

Lex Luthor was a decent villain, although I still wish he had kept Patricia Swann as the sex toy for his hot female aide and confident to play with. The strongest points of this episode came in the flashbacks, where we got more insight into Lex's past along with the truth behind the Veritas name. It was nice to see the return of the Teagues and Swanns, and it was always good to involve the Queens' past and mythology more with the Superman mythos. However, where it fell apart though was in the present, where the only thing Michael Rosenbaum got to do was stare off into space while dreaming, as if he was in a goddam soap opera. Although considering this is Smallville, I suppose there ain't much difference...

Basically, what I'm saying is, if the season had ended with Veritas? It would have been a lousy send off for Michael Rosenbaum and John Glover, if the seventh is indeed the final season that both will be in as regulars. But on the bright side? At least Lana Lang finally shut the fuck up. And the truth of the matter is, how the fuck can I possibly complain then?...

Despite how harsh I am on the series, I am relived to know that Smallville is coming back to finish off the seventh season. I would've preferred this to be the final year of the show, instead of dragging it on through an eighth where Tom Welling may barely even be back. But really, as long as I get more gratuitous shots of Kara Kent in sparkling and skin-tight baby blue, can I really goddam complain?...

Because truth be told, I'm sure there is some sort of real reason why I do continue to watch this show...

"I won't deny it, sometimes Smallville gets lucky and produces a good episode. Chances are slim though...

Descent was one of those few episodes that makes you think the writers are just fooling us with their usual shit stains on the wall. Until you realize it was all orchestrated by the actual acting abilities of John Glover and Michael Rosenbaum alone...

Which is why I'm now so depressed for the rest of the season, not to mention the rest of the series...

"Descent is a perfect fitting name, because the series can only go downhill from here. I mean, Lionel Luthor is dead? Who was the brilliant mastermind behind that clusterfuck? WTF?"...

Interesting way for the actor to finally get his ass off of a horrendous series dragging him down. It seems that his death scene was actually filmed for the Veritas episode, but attached as the intro to Descent for some strange reason. John Glover never made a real appearance after his fall, but he certainly did his best Hans Gruber impression along the way. Really, I personally had hoped for a better final send-off for the best actor the series had ever seen rather than just a quick push and demise, but I won't argue that the outcome really did help deliver a great episode overall. Just the stone cold look across the grave between Lex Luthor and Clark Kent at the end was enough to give me hope for the series once more, though false hope considering we know Michael Rosenbaum is not signed for the eight season of the show...

Lex Luthor really was the true star and villain of the show in Descent, and I can't compliment Michael Rosenbaum enough for his performance. Hell, I'll even give some credit to the writers, for depicting the battle between Lex and his innocence and conscience to be something real and dramatic, with touches of brimstone and fire brought into the mix for shits and giggles. This was perhaps the actor's best hour of television I've seen to date, as he really showed a subtle, conflicted side to himself at times battling and raging against the hatred he has for Lionel and Clark. I could've done without all the useless scenes of Gina trying to be the vagina sink sfor all his misfortunes, but at least we got a classic scene of freshening her breath before she had to leave the series once and for all. Too bad, she had damn fine legs, but she just wasn't pimp enough for Lex Luthor and all his newfound badassery...

Outside of the Luthors though, that's where this episode really fell apart. Sure, I can give credit to the writers for completing forgetting about Sarah Marshall and Lana Lang, but what about Kara Kent? Where was our quota on gratuitously hot shots of her in red and blue? And instead of Lana, we just got stuck with more horrible scenes of Jimmy Olsen trying to prove himself next to Lois Lane. First of all, both actors have been horribly ignored for the better part of the seventh season, although for good measure considering the writers' can't even think up a single decent idea for the two of them. Getting their asses kicked and stuck in a cooler room by a bitch who got taken out by a Mentos, is not what I'd exactly consider a sleeper hit of a success...

Even Chloe had almost nothing to do in Descent, although I admit I did feel a bit of intimidation and fear in Allison Mack when forced to deal with Lex Luthor's search for the key. You'd think she would've been brighter and thrown the key somewhere more obscure and safe, like a plant pot or some shit where Lex wouldn't look at first, but whatever. She's a dumb blonde who is 100% committed to Clark, even though he's a pure dumbass that doesn't even recognize how damn fine she looks in nothing but a football jersey. I wanted more from Chloe this episode, and I don't know if I like the direction of her being fired from the Daily Planet, but I'm willing to always give the benefit of the doubt to the actress.

I am not however, willing to give the same leniency to Tom Welling, who once again did his best to sabotage all of Michael Rosenbaum's efforts. Their only strong scene together was the end when neither had to say a word. Thankfully, that redeemed Clark Kent's earlier wuss-out moment when he confronted Lex Luthor in the mansion, getting punked out by his guilt over the death of his father. The writers are trying to develop some sort of storyline here where Clark probably wonders if he is to blame for all the world's woes, whether he caused Lex Luthor to become evil, whether he caused the death of his own father, whether Lana Lang would be happy without him, etc... Really, it all looks so great, more emo ranting and whining on a noname site from Clark Kent. Wow, exactly what we need...

So while I loved Descent for every single moment Lex Luthor spiralled deeper and deeper into his own dark abyss, unfortunately for the series, this is where it starts going all the way downhill. John Glover may make a return one of these days, but as far as I know of, this was his final salute and I can only wish him the best. Meanwhile, with Lex Luthor essentially leaving the series next year, who or what the fuck is going to save Smallville from being the usual goddam trainwreck it is every single fucking week?...

"Do I even need to review this episode? It wasn't worth my time to watch, and it ain't worth my effort to write about...

I've been horribly sick with an onslaught of the flu starting Wednesday, and this was the episode the writers chose to shove my way?..

"Did the writers honestly think this was a sleeper hit? This was the best they could come up with after the goddam writers' strike? They had four fucking months to literally come up with this? WTF?"...

I think we all know the pun I'd rather use on the title rather than "sleeper hit". I guess though, I should thank the writers for one thing. I've been having such a hard time getting to bed with this goddam fever I have, but I sure as hell didn't any issues after watching this fucking waste of an episode...

So, this is how they chose to follow up Descent? By forgetting John Glover ever existed, and by limiting Michael Rosenbaum to just a few fucking token minutes of screen time? Who really cares if he got choked out by some random big brute, and do we honestly care he found a bunch of random compass points that probably lead to the Fortress of Solitude? Knowing Jor'El there, wouldn't anyone who stepped into the fortress just get their fucking asses handed to them? WTF?...

Worse than that, the writers had a severe braincramp when it came to any sense of logic on the part of Chloe and Clark Kent. So, let me get this straight, both of them know that Lex Luthor is after a secret that not only would find out Clark's identity but also control him and the fate of the entire world? And instead of just tagging along with him to Zurich, which would be no problem whatsoever for the boy wonder, Clark decides to have the best conversation he had ever had with Lana Lang instead? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the peace and quiet is definitely a welcome change of pace for him and his relationship. He's probably communicating better with her than he ever has in years. But seriously, big things are happening in the world, and Clark Kent's only thing to do is sit on his fucking ass like a wet pussy nurse? WTF?...

At least Chloe showed some acting spirit, but even she couldn't save this abomination of an episode script. So, let me get this one straight, the Feds finally catch on to her after she hacks into how many goddam satellites over the past seven fucking years of the show? And instead of asking questions, the ugly as fuck feminine Fed decides to do some random cartwheels and bitch slaps to get the information out of her, in absolutely the most cheese infested and eye-roll inducing storyline that Allison Mack has ever been coerced to cooperate in? Sure, I can forgive the show a few points thanks to how stunning how her legs were in that silly little dance she and Jimmy did. But really, besides the Allison Mack factor, there was absolutely nothing sexy about their tango, as there was simply no chemistry and absolutely zero flow to their goddam rushed routine at all. If this was Dancing With the Stars, I would've sent the two packing the first fucking week. WTF?...

And don't get me even started on Jimmy. Jimmy the fucking Bimmy, this is the fucking storyline they choose to give you? No wonder we perceive you as a clown, considering you somehow have tranquilizer darts literally up your goddam sleeves. Really, the writers actually thought Sleeper, with Jimmy acting as a homeless man's secret agent, could possibly pass as entertainment in this business after four fucking months or more of strike time? WTF were they smoking the whole nine yards? Seriously, WTF?...

Really, I do have to thank the writers for the sleeping pills, but I still want that goddam hour of my life back.

This was perhaps the worst episode I can possibly remember in recent history of any television show...

It boggles the mind really, how the shittiest ass actor in the history of television can somehow turn it around the one or two times he's actually given the power to direct...

"So, they name an episode after a bad Marvel character, force Tom Welling to wear glasses for once, and I actually end up liking it all? WTF?"...

Apocalypse was definitely one of the better episodes of the season, or at least the first half of it was. It really did feel like a Superman show set with Smallville characters and actors, for the first time in God knows how long. The alternate reality that Jor'El was showing Clark Kent, it actually felt a hell of a lot more real than anything a director not named Tom Welling has shown the audience over the past seven years. Here we had a Jimmy that actually acted like an Olsen, a Lois Lane that was actually sexy and smart and kind of kinky, a Chloe Sullivan that was really only there for show and tell with her cute ass hair and smile, and thank God there was no fucking Lana Lang. Finally, we had a real Superman episode, the kind of which we fans have been demanding from the series for seven long years.

And to think, it was all delivered by Tom fucking Welling, as even he was willing to don the Clark Kent glasses for at least five seconds of actual real Superman time. WTF?...

The alternate timeline that Jor'El had concocted in his mind, it actually made a lot of sense when compared to the actual DC universe. Lex Luthor becomes president just like he did in the comic books, although in the latter he never did get to nuke the entire planet before aliens started invading from up high. Now, I will never understand why the fuck Luthor was dumb enough to start the reign of fire over the earth before he had even gotten himself into a goddam bunker, but I don't disagree with the logic of his plan. In that white suit of his, Michael Rosenbaum proved yet again just how much of a bastard he is, treating the whole idea of mass genocide of the human race as if it was the best thing to happen to the world. I guess I wouldn't have had much of a problem if I was one of the selected few to live on in a post-apocalyptic world full of nuclear winter and waste. But meh, since I'm not one of his best and brightest, guess I should be a little pissed at his armageddon...

The real threat behind it all was Brainiac, with Milton Fine being the silent partner behind the scenes. The thing is though, why the hell did he have to use Lex to make his move? Can't Brainiac just touch a random laptop computer, hack every security protocol in ten milliseconds flat, and take over the world's nuclear arsenal as if he was goddam Skynet? Why does he need Lex anyways, why not just lock him and Kara up in a bunker to keep them for Zod, and then nuke the rest of the planet himself? He could've done all that, but James Marsters never likes to steal the spotlight so much, instead letting Michael Rosenbaum prove he's the baddest son of a bitch on the entire planet before the actor has to leave the show. The both of them paired together provided two of the only decent villains this series has ever had, and it was great to see them side by side for at least one episode before the seventh season would end...

I've already mentioned how I preferred the Pulitzer-winning Lois Lane in this alternate timeline, or how Jimmy actually felt like his DC counterpart for the first time in the goddam series. What really stuck out to me in this alternate world though, was actually Kara Kent's (or Kara Luthor's) plight. She cared about Lex, probably with deep feelings like it has been hinted in the past. Not only that, but Lex actually had kept her secret hidden from the world for years, either so he can keep her all for himself or because he does care about her too. The dynamic between the both of them was strangely enough well directed by Tom Welling, and I couldn't help but feel bad for Kara in her situation. She trusted Lex, even if it meant the end of the second world she's known. And then she proved too stupid to dodge even a goddam Kryptonite bullet before it's fired, but I guess she still really has those Clark Kent dumbass genes, no matter who she's raised by...

Out of all of the surprises, Tom Welling putting in a good role while he was directing was probably the biggest shocker of them all. But in all fairness, I actually enjoyed his presence here in Apocalypse, if only because he felt more like Superman than ever before. Whether he was sweeping Lois Lane literally off her feet or trying to get down and dirty with Sheriff Adams on the dance floor, somehow Clark Kent in this alternate universe actually gave a damn enough to make him feel a lot more like Superman. This was one of the usual Sci-Fi "what-if" scenario episodes, showing Clark what life would be like on earth without him, albeit with Jor'El's bias point of view mixed in. And to be honest, I got a real kick out of Apocalypse simply because it showed just what this series could have been if only decent writers and directors had existed on this show. If only we got more moments of Clark Kent pushing up his glasses and getting shot in the gut with Kryptonite bullets, if only we had more truly fateful confrontations between him and villains like Lex Luthor and Brainiac, maybe Smallville wouldn't be the complete waste of utter goddam shit that it is today...

Because unfortunately, as soon as the alternate universe stuff was up, that's when Apocalypse really did feel like the utter demise of television and the goddam series. The moments on Krypton were embarrassingly bad, it was like watching a rehash of the original Star Trek series against the plastic Gorn or some shit like that. Not only was it never explained how the fuck Clark Kent got to Krypton back in 1989 in the first place, not only did Brainiac fucking get killed by a fucking rock from a girl who didn't even have powers on that planet, but where the fuck were Clark's parents there? Did Brainiac steal the baby and then suddenly the two El's just ran off to cower in the shadows of their exploding Red Sun? There was so much potential there for a second part of a cliffhanger episode, yet the writers just squandered it all with the worst budgeted destruction of a planet since the Furlings of Stargate went up in flames. And all this after such a good first half to the episode? WTF?...

Apocalypse to me, really was the definitive "what-if" scenario, of just what this series could have been like if the writers had tried...

... with Lana Lang gone and Kara Kent looking horny as hell sucking down her own milk, how the hell can I not give props?...

Instead though, the series will go down in flames like the planet of Krypton. Because as Jor'El says, you can't change the course of history...

... and alas, I just can't unwatch all the shitty ass episodes of Smallville that I have..."

"Wow, so this is where the whole Veritas storyline would lead to? A balding Mr. Teague who tries to kick Lex's ass with a stick? WTF?...

This was the whole payoff for Lionel Luthor's death? The discovery that Krypton is in the Pegasus Galaxy, and that Robert Picardo found remnants of it back in the goddam Delta Quadrant as well? WTF?...

This was officially one of the most embarrassing episodes of Smallville I have ever painfully witnessed...

"An episode named 'Quest', and yet there were still no dragons. Seriously, where the fuck are my dragons? What the flying fuck? WTF?"...

It wasn't just the complete lack of Reign of Fire that disappointed me here in Quest. It was also the fact that Robert Picardo was given such a horrible role here, compared to what we know he's capable of from Star Trek Voyager and Stargate Atlantis. Here, he's reduced to a monk-dressed psychotic who claims to Clark, "if you turned against us, we'd have no chance". Meanwhile, that same unstoppable Kent there was lying helpless on a sacrificial table surrounded by The Secret of the Ooze, all simply because Mr. Teague had actually shone a little radioactive rock in the goddam idiot's face. I mean seriously, he had the invincible weapon Clark there completely at his mercy, begging for forgiveness. Really, does he see the irony? WTF?...

It was nice to see Chloe back, considering it's still not known whether she's coming back for the eighth season of the show or not. Having her fly in a jet to Montreal as quickly as Clark could run though, somehow felt far too forced and far too much from left field even for Smallville. Having her save the day, then potentially be left behind by Clark yet again who completely forget she was there, was definitely what I expected from the series' writers however. I do honestly hope that she returns for the eighth season of the show, however. Smallville just won't be the same without her random road trips to the Arctic with her Yaris with unlimited mileage, of course...

And what can I say about Clark Kent? He was a total fucking pussy the whole way through, getting beat down by the only damn Scientology follower he has. Seriously, what kind of superhero being is that, being dumb enough to expose his super strength in public and then being idiotic enough to get strapped half naked to a table without a hot bitch there to make it appear alright. There was one and only one single decent moment in the entire episode, and that was when Clark destroyed the grandfather clock without even knowing what the fuck he was doing. Then he "X-rayed Lex" to see if he had anything on him, saw nothing, and then once again was too damn lazy and dumbass to even wait around five damn minutes to see what the fuck Lex would do. Wow, what a brilliant and ever vigilant hero. Suddenly, I'm thinking Edward Teague had the right idea all along...

The only redeeming actor throughout this entire waste of an hour was Michael Rosenbaum once again. And unfortunately for us the audience, we all know he's not returning to the show next year, not that I can blame him after embarrassments such as Quest. But whether Lex was holding Doc Cottle away from the Battlestar Galactica as hostage, or beating down on Edward Teague with a pointed badass stick, Michael Rosenbaum really did all he could to make this episode into something bearable to watch. And I admit, the final scene where he figured out the final clue to Veritas and then possessed the Q-ball of Kryptonian death, actually had me interested enough to care about what happens in this year's season finale. I just wish we could've skipped the first fifty minutes of the show before getting to that goddam point...

Because sure, I know Smallville just loves to pick up every actor they can find in the general Vancouver Metropolis area...

... but Robert Picardo really should've just stayed aboard the goddam Starship Voyager...

"If there's one good thing that I can say about Smallville on the whole, it's that their season finales usually do goddam deliver...

And Arctic? Well, Arctic was a good episode, I'll give it that. Potentially the best of the seventh season of the show...

It just wasn't nearly as good as I had hoped from previous season finales, you know?...

"So Lex Luthor now knows Clark Kent's secret identity? I thought that'd happen when hell freezes over, not when he visits the goddam Arctic. Have the writers completely thrown Superman continuity out of the window? WTF?"...

Okay, so I think it's been confirmed by now, Smallville is in its own little bubble of a parallel universe, where Bizarro Clark Kent is the real hero of the show. Really, I know Michael Rosenbaum will be nothing but a guest star next season, but how the fuck are the writers going to deal with not just the best actor left on the series being gone, but also the fact that Lex Luthor should now be able to kill Clark Kent with a fucking green glowing rock? Don't get me wrong, I loved the final confrontation between him and Kal-El in the Fortress of Solitude, although it was far too short for my liking, and it really made no sense why Jor'El didn't even bother to try to stop Lex from glowing the orb of doom (unless Clark isn't the Traveller, that is). But while the payoff between the two mortal enemies drawn on cave walls was decent, it still makes no context with the eighth season of the show or the entire goddam Superman mythos on the whole. What were the writers thinking? WTF?...

Like I said, Arctic was a good episode, but it could've been so much more. We've had great moments on season finales in the past, like Clark running straight into a tornado or using the Kryptonian stones to build the Fortress of Solitude. But since Zod emerged from his prison and beat down the world as the cave people without technology that we are, Smallville has sort of just been floating in space like Kara Kent was here, with no real direction and no real purpose but to keep more profits lining the pockets of those at the WB. And I still don't get what the hell the people at management are thinking, getting rid of Laura Vandervoort as well from the series. How the fuck can they eliminate the one girl that truly looks smokin' hot as hell on a daily planet fucking basis? WTF?...

Okay, so I admit, Chloe Sullivan did look cute as hell in that get-up of hers while Jimmy the idiotic Bimmy was proposing on one knee. Brainiac was the one was got all hot and sweaty from sucking on her tits all episode long, but suffice to say, Allison Mack can drain me in every possible way anytime she fucking wants. It's good to know that her contract has been renewed for the eighth season of the show, as I don't think I could've dealt with Jimmy still being on the cast if both Kara Kent and Chloe Sullivan were nowhere to be found. She really is the heart and soul of this series, and I even felt bad for her after she got her mind wiped and sucked out by the tentacle raping Brainiac there. She showed a lot of guts too in taking on Kara Kent with Kryptonite by herself, as she always sacrifices her life for the one and only Clark dumbass Kent. Good thing she never technically said yes to Jimmy before getting caught by Homeland Security, otherwise that really would've sealed her fate to house-wife status the way the series has been dumbing her down for years. Can't have Clark looking that damn dumbass in comparison, of course...

I've already complained about Jimmy still being onboard for the eighth season of the show, but at least I can be thankful that Kristen Kreuk is finally gone and filming Street Fighter 2 for the betterment of all humanity. To be honest, I didn't mind the fact that all we got from her as a farewell was a video recording that I didn't even pay attention to. All I do remember, is that it all made Clark Kent cry like a pussy river, and that it gave a new life and hope to his relationship with Lois Lane which will hopefully start next season or some shit like that. Erica Durance has been unfortunately wasted all season long aside from her crush on Clark in the parallel past episode, so I'm hoping with Lana Lang finally gone and hopefully murdered in a back alleyway for pimping and drugs, that it's now Lois Lane's turn to shine. Now, if only we can get Michael Ironside back to get into a nuclear tank and blow shit up as well, then maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about Superman continuity literally being thrown out of the goddam window...

Still, even with Kristen finally gone, how can I forgive the writers for completely phasing out Kara Kent in favour of Jimmy the fucking Bimmy? The actress did a great job as a queen bitch here in Arctic, whether she was busting out the judo chops on everyone's favourite Robert Picardo, or doing the evil seductive look to Chloe with the Kryptonite like we all wish happened earlier in the season. I personally thought Laura did a great job as Brainiac here in this episode, and her chemistry with Lex Luthor has always been there, especially when she gets all hot and spicy and fired up with that heat vision of hers. Just like I can forgive BSG as long as we get multiple gratuitous shots of Grace Park all around the place, I can forgive Smallville as long as we get scenes of Kara Kent in a smokin' hot tank top, desperately licking her own milk off of the Kent farm floor. Now, I don't know what to think of what I just wrote, to be honest, but as a desperate man hoping she returns, I'm asking WB to just please goddam reconsider...

Another mistake the writers made was to kill off Brainiac again, unless this isn't the final time. Aside from Lionel and Lex, Milton Fine has been the only good villain that the writers have ever made up. And to this day, I'm still surprised that they managed to make such a cheesy villain from the Superman comic books into the crafty T-1000 bastard he is on the series. My only regret, was that he always goes out in one of the wussiest ways possible. Getting stabbed by a Kryptonian knife years ago was one thing, but being crushed by a rock back on Krypton was just embarrassing. I was going to write that at least the writers realized that and brought him back for one more true fight, but then he got his ass whooped by a bunch of human-based electricity, something that has had zero effect on him before. I know he was still all hot and sexed up from Chloe that same night, but it just wasn't the final showdown with Clark that I was hoping would happen. Brainiac has always had more brawn, more varied powers, more knowledge and more fucking clones of himself to beat down Clark with every step of the way. I just hope he makes another return, as James Marsters deserves a true send-off from the wretched series he actually made tolerable now and again...

As good as Brainiac was though in Arctic, Michael Rosenbaum still managed to steal the show yet again. Like I mentioned before, I wish his long-awaited confrontation with Clark consisted of more than just the latter cowering away in the corner like a little baby, but I suppose it was consistent with the rest of his character and heroism. What I did enjoy about their little brotherly spat near the end, was that Lex really was playing the role of the "hero", honestly acting like he believed he was saving humanity with his actions. Now, I don't get why he destroyed the Fortress of Solitude like he did instead of just taking control of Clark, unless he really does see Kent like an equal brother, or that a human is just too damn stupid to control the Fortress like a Kryptonian actually can. Either way, it leaves the door open for Lex Luthor to return in the future after a huge bout of amnesia from a bunch of damn crystals falling on his head. As corny and cheesy and pathetic as that would be, I just hope it happens so we can get Michael Rosenbaum back on the goddam show already...

Because please tell me that we won't be stuck with just Tom fucking Welling on the goddam series. Just like with last year's season finale, he really was the weakest link of the bunch here again, being a complete dumbass in following Brainiac when he was posing as Kara Kent, and then still being too fucking lazy to follow Lex Luthor around the world to beat him down when he still had a chance. Superman here in Smallville is one of the dumbest and more illogical superheroes I think I have ever fucking been forced to witness. Why bother building a device to control him, when the world would be so much safer and sexier if we had one that governed Kara Kent and Allison Mack instead? WTF?...

Like I said, Arctic was good. Alas, the rest of the seventh season of Smallville was not, to say the least...

Heh, I once said that I'd refuse to watch Smallville until hell fucking froze over...

... and yet here I am, waiting to see what happens after Arctic in season fucking eight...