IvanF's Uninformed Reviews of the Second Season of Stargate Atlantis (2005-2006)...

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- IvanF's Archived, Cut & Paste, No-Name Reviews of
The Second Season of Stargate Atlantis (2005 - 2006) -
(Atlantis Hides from the Wraith, The Daedalus is introduced, Dr. Weir becomes a complete bitch, Teyla becomes her bitch, Sheppard goes Kirking, McKay shows Grace Under Pressure, Dr. Beckett joins the Main Cast, Lt. Ford is booted off the cast, Ronon Dex takes his place, The Atlantis Expedition becomes one big Brain Fart)

It was an amazing season, one of the best that the Stargate writers had ever produced as a series on the whole...

I was so damn pumped for the second season of the show, so damn hyped in frothing anticipation of more badass campy goodness, that I couldn't even hold back and curb my longings for all the sexy alien chicks in the Stargate off-season...

I was so sure, so damn sure that the second season would eclipse even the first in its quality...

The first season had so much potential, so much great writing, and so many great characters.

What the fuck did the writers do to the Wraith? They were already wussified in the first season, but making them into pure Goa'uld-clone morons in the second season just didn't jive with what we knew of their species. The writers in episodes like The Hive completely destroyed whatever respect we did give to those space vampires, by making Hive ships dumb enough to fire on each other when there's a friggin' ship from Atlantis just sitting in their midst. The Wraith were weakened even more by the introduction of Beckett's retrovirus, although at least I can be thankful that Connor Trineer finally got a stint on another Sci-Fi show, as brief of a glimpse as that may have been...

The Siege (Part 3) introduced the Daedalus, and at first I was ecstatic. As a Star Trek fan at heart, I have always loved space battles, and the two in The Siege were some of the best that Stargate had ever done to date. The problem was though, that just like we had gotten used to over in SG-1, The Daedalus became a deus ex machina. It started beaming out our heroes just in the nick of time every frickin' goddam episode, constantly ruining whatever suspense there may have been if Sheppard and co. had to come up with some desperate measure utilizing the actual goddam Stargate instead. And it's not like the Daedalus was used properly otherwise, as episodes like The Hive or especially Inferno had the entire crew of the battlecruiser just sitting there as morons, scratching their heads as they didn't know what the fuck to do with all the goddam Asgard technology on-board...

You know what was the greatest fault of the second season of the show though? That the exploration of the city just plain stopped. How many episodes were actually devoted to the actual "expedition" part of the team anymore, and just how many hours were spent on the mythology of the Ancients? Instead of all that stuff that made even clip shows interesting back in season one, season two was reduced to goddam action cliches. True, there were still a few great episodes hidden in there (The Siege, Critical Mass and Coup D'Etat are really the only ones that come to mind), but they were just so far and between that I really can't be bothered to try to actually run through the decent shows of the season with an open mind and a serious face...

The characters in the second season of the show had all grown massive brain farts, for God knows what reason. Torri Higginson never did play Dr. Weir in the first season of the show very well, but at least she still had some poise. What the fuck happened to her in the second season though? The whole year through, she seemed to literally backstab every person she came across, screwing over Michael and all her opponents as best she could, even to the point where it backfired on her in Coup D'Etat. Hell, probably Torri's only decent performance was in The Long Goodbye, where apparently her turning evil made every other character on the show even dumber than she ever turned out to be...

Colonel Steven Caldwell was introduced to the cast in the season, and at first he started out decently. He had a few rough spots in The Intruder, but he was still a good commander who really took care of business in The Siege. But as the season progressed and the writers wanted to make sure that the Atlantis team hadn't become too powerful, they turned the Daedalus and its crew into complete imbeciles. Caldwell was always fifteen steps below even the average IQ of a man in The Long Goodbye, he just froze up on the bridge like a deer in the headlights in The Hive, and I can never forgive him for forgetting all the obvious ways to protect his ship and his people in Inferno and Allies...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard was truly the man in the first season of the show, but perhaps his whole "Kirking" routine did get a little old in season two. I love the man, and he has all the chemistry in the world with characters like McKay (not to mention all the sexy female extras in the series). But even I can't compliment what Joe Flannigan managed to accomplish in the second season, when the writers tried their best to ruin his character with shit like Instinct and especially Conversion. At times, they treated him too seriously in situations that were goddam ridiculous (like turning into a giant bug). And at other times, he was far too RDA lazy ass with his lines without ever earning the right to be, as episodes like Epiphany become complete wastes of time. He provided some comic relief in The Hive and others, but it just wasn't the same after the writers tried to destroy (and eventually rebuild) his relationship with Rodney to boot...

Dr. McKay was the BEST CHARACTER EVAR in the first season of the show, and he's shaping up to redeem himself in the third season as well. In the second though, the writers wanted to put a damper on his whole "superman" complex thing for God knows what reason, and had him completely messing up not just science wise (as in, blowing up a solar system in Trinity) but with all the other characters as well. What the fuck were the writers thinking, isolating McKay from Sheppard and Teyla and of course Lt. Ford? Not only did it lessen all the McKay goodness we've come to know from the character in terms of comic relief, but it ruined all the comedic banter between every other actor as well. WTF?...

Dr. Carson Beckett joined the cast full time in Atlantis, and at first the choice seemed to pay huge profitable dividends. He was great with McKay in Duet, and had a real role to play in Runner as well. Problem was, the writers forced themselves into giving Carson some sort of ridiculous, Dr. Frankenstein sort of arc with the Wraith retrovirus in the end. Not only did it make him look completely callous, treating Wraith-ism as a disease, but it caused the show to suffer from piss poor brain farts in letting Michael off the base and back into a hive. WTF?...

Ronon Dex was introduced in Runner, which I admit was a decent enough episode. Besides that though, the brute had absolutely nothing to do but literally scuff his feet and pretend like he wasn't a complete loser in Allies. Sure, he had a thing against Wraith, giving him at least some sort of story arc with Michael. The problem was, that except for his undying loyalty to Sheppard and seemingly his undying love for Teyla, he had no real relationship with any of the other characters as well. Truth be told, Stargate Atlantis has a rule, where the universe revolves around Rodney, and Ronon didn't take advantage of that. It wouldn't be until the opener of the third season until the two of them would even remotely have any decent lines scripted together on screen...

Teyla was just as useless as Lt. Ford in the second season of the show, which is probably why the only episode I remember either of those two actors being in was The Lost Boys (which was awful, by the way). Aiden had a good fight against Ronon in Runner, and Teyla got her little sticks shoved up her ass by Sheppard in Conversion, but besides that? It's sad that the writers cut Ford completely out of the show as if his name was goddam Jonas, as not only did it completely change the team dynamic with Sheppard and McKay (which wouldn't recover until the third season), but also left Teyla with absolutely nothing to do in the series but to be a goddam lap dog to Ronon. Couldn't the writers at least have left Rainbow Sun Francks on as a goddam reoccurring character? Where the fuck is the loyalty and the thanks for the first awesome season of the show? WTF?...

And is there really anything else to say about the second season of the show? I knew things didn't seem right already when completely unlike the first season, The Siege (Part 3) ended off with a completely rushed and unfulfilling ending. And things just generally spiraled downwards from there, all cumulating in the goddam morons in the Atlantis expedition giving up not only the coordinates to earth but the tech to get there, as the Wraith completely suckered every fucking person on the base into becoming goddam idiots in Allies. WTF?...

I know the writers wanted to go "darker" in the second season, and sort of produce their own Empire Strikes Back by having the Wraith one up the team throughout the year. The problem was, in Star Wars at least, Empire Strikes Back turned out to be great because as good as the heroes were, the enemies were always that much better. That's not the case here in Atlantis, where the SGA team was just so damn dumb and so damn clueless at times, that the Wraith really just won by default. It was like the complete opposite of the first season of the show, where every character on the show was likable and every actor actually showed pride and charisma in their work...

Now sure, my fingers are no longer crossed in hope for the second season. All hope was lost long ago...

... but I can at least keep looking forward to more and more episodes in the so-far stellar third season of the show, now can't I?...

Notable Episodes: The Siege (Part 3), The Intruder, Runner, The Hive, Grace Under Pressure, Coup D'Etat, Allies
Best Episode of the Season: Critical Mass

"Now, don't get me wrong... Stargate Atlantis' The Siege (Part 3) was definitely a great episode, at least on par if not better than The Siege (Part 1)...

... but after such a completely amazing first season? And after The Siege (Part 2) completely blew me away?... then yeah, the episode was just a tiny bit of a disappointment for me... given my incredibly high expectations and felicitations and all...

The episode did feel a bit mechanical. The plot just jumped from A to B to point C, with some clever jokes and CG sequences in-between. Somehow, the flow and the pacing of the episode just didn't feel as natural as I've come to expect from the series... And also, there was no real resolution to the episode. As soon as the place was nuked and the Wraith left for really no apparent reason whatsoever, the episode just suddenly came to a close... It was all a bit too rushed, especially in comparison to Rising from last season, which had a great resolution with the lemon chicken party and everything...

And WTF did they do to the fucking intro? I've had the fucking Stargate Atlantis theme song stuck in my fucking head for an entire fucking year, and how does the Sci-Fi channel repay me? By tearing my beloved introduction sequence to shreds, and replacing it with fucking commercial time? WTF?!?... uggh...

But on the whole, The Siege (Part 3) was definitely a great episode. And without a shadow of a doubt, won the best episode of the week award from me...

Dr. Weir was mostly useless in the episode. But yeah, I felt maybe a bit of chemistry between her and Major Sheppard when they hugged and gushed and everything. And was it just me, or did anyone else get turned on when she said "I love this plan", as if she was a hot porn actress or something, agreeing to a lesbian threeway?... or maybe, that's just me...

Teyla once again got to be actually useful for once, using her powers to trick the Wraith into leaving Atlantis alone... Now, personally I thought it was completely idiotic that the Wraith didn't fire at least a satellite beacon to watch over the planet or something. But that was no fault of Teyla's, at least... I also liked how spunky the girl was when she found McKay with his clip on the floor. She seemed to be playfully mocking him, after saving his life so effortlessly at least... And yeah, I noticed that she was the one who talked Ford down from strangling the poor doc. That would've given me hope, that she and her lovely Wraith genes could make Wraith babies with Ford one day... but then I learned what the fuck will happen to Lt. Ford this season...

Yeah, Rainbow Sun Francks got essentially fired from the show. I expected that at least he could do the Asgard's voice or something, and yet he wasn't even thrown a bone like that... Still, for a farewell present, Lt. Ford was actually interesting for one of the few times in his entire career. He was basically suped up on drugs, needing his Muchmusic dose of E talk to keep feeling strong and forceful and whatnot... It wasn't a bad idea, to turn Ford into a Phantom of the Opera looking badass or something. It was just dumbass to replace him on the show though... It didn't make sense that he could fly the Puddle Jumper (unless he got the gene therapy sometime after Hot Zone). And it doesn't make sense why the writers wouldn't want to keep the Ford storyline going strong this season, when finally the actor has something to do... and did it surprisingly well, might I add...

Dr. Beckett was great as always. He was freaked out as hell from the Asgard transporter, and it's always nice to see characters on the show freak out from magical tech we've become so accustomed to... He tried his best to talk down Ford from leaving with the enzyme, and got a bullet near his face to show for it. That scene showed a lot of the actor's range and skills, which leads me to believe that it was definitely a nice choice to bring the Scotsman (or Canadian... whatever...) on as a regular on the show... I just wish Janet Frasier was given that same chance before she went kaput too...

Stargate Atlantis has always been great when it comes to reoccurring guest stars, and The Siege (Part 3) was definitely no exception... Dr. Zelenka is just an absolute hoot whenever he's with McKay. And the two of them bantering over the easy and "hard part" of the cloaking idea, literally had me snorting milk at my goddam screen... Col. Everett was sadly and grossly underused. But it was nice that he sucked crow and actually apologized to Sheppard in the short time he had. And Sheppard showed a lot of respect back with that firm salute, something I haven't seen or really felt in Stargate in a very long time...

Novak was slightly annoying, but much more endearing than she ever was as the hiccup girl in Prometheus Unbound... And Hermiod, the Asgard on board? Poor messenger of the Gods bastard looked depressed with his job, relegated to helping out lowly humans (a race that only Thor seems to love) and cursing beneath his breath at how barbarically we were using Asgard transporter technology... heh, all fair's in love and war, of course...

And The Siege (Part 3) introduced Col. Caldwell as commander of the Daedalus. He was just a stiff upper-lip man, who unlike Everett, actually listened to counsel and advice. Sure, it was weird to see him without the cigar or anything, but I think his stance and personality will clash nicely with Sheppard's recklessness in later episodes... Plus, completely unlike anyone who's ever commanded the Prometheus before, Caldwell actually seemed like he knew what the fuck he was doing on the bridge...

Dr. Rodney McKay was once again the absolute, fundamental core of the episode. And nearly every single one of his lines proved just why he is the man of the hour... I didn't laugh at the dropped clip scene, considering the moment was meant to be tense (and comic relief doesn't always work 100%...). But damn, I can't help snickering at his vanity when he demanded his escorts to protect him with their very lives... He had so many great lines, like whispering in Atlantis when the city was under cloak, and curling in his bed with a nice sandwich while Wraith were still storming the castle gates... Sure, it made no sense why he would leave the ZPM unguarded in that room. But who the fuck cares, when finally we got our precious Rodney McKay back on the small screen?...

But The Siege (Part 3) did belong to Major Sheppard in the end... True, the actor was a bit mechanical in his role, listing off plans from the top of his head as if he had memorized it from a script sheet. I mean, the flow of the episode just felt off at times, whenever he suggested to use the transporter as a weapon or talk about making the city of Atlantis disappear...

Still, for every 'emotional scene', Sheppard was truly on the top of his game. He seemed terse but definitely relieved when he hugged Dr. Weir like that. And he definitely seemed to care about Ford, when he shot him in the back with the Wraith stunner at least... I didn't quite like the end of the episode, as Sheppard just staring at the Stargate just didn't feel resolved enough for my tastes. But really, the episode still kicked all sorts of ass anyhew... as Major Sheppard bossing around a Colonel on the bridge of the Daedalus, will definitely have sweet and sour repercussions in the future, I'm sure...

The plan to defeat the Wraith this episode wasn't so bad. Hiding the city and making it appear as if it self-destructed, wouldn't fool any decent human general. But eh, the Wraith have always been stupid, so a little nuclear mushroom cloud is always helpful here or there... I don't get why the nuke wouldn't leave radiation in the atmosphere for the next 1000 years. And I really don't get how a stealth generator from just a puddle jumper could extend its range to cover an entire damn city, but still... If there was anything I truly did love about this plan, as Dr. Weir so sexily stated? It's that every single member on the team got to contribute. It really felt like a team effort from a tightly nit community, and that's always what Stargate Atlantis has always been about... Not to mention the fact that I got to see a cool ass nuke explosion. Gotta have my fill of nukes...

And as a geek, you know me. I just love CG sci-fi sequences... As McKay was right - the bombardment of Wraith fire over the shield of Atlantis, really was beautiful. Sort of like the fourth of July, if I cared about the fourth of July, at least... That was sure one strong shield the Ancients got going there, even surviving a hundred kamikaze runs from the Wraith darts on approach without a flinch. And it all looked so dazzlingly beautiful, almost like rain pelting the windows of my house as the episode aired... well, a rain of fire at least. And really, how the hell can't I adore space battles of biblical proportions?...

The Battlestar Daedulus... as is it just me, or does it just look too much like the Battlestar Galactica for close comfort?...

Still, the episode kicked all sorts of ass, because the Daedalus kicked all sorts of ass...

Sure, I hated how the first siege of Atlantis lost all sort of suspense and tension, thanks to the battleship timely arriving to save the Sheppard day. I mean, the single Wraith hive ship left in orbit and the three remaining friggin' cruisers, couldn't even make a dent in the Daedulus' shields... But the second battle, where the Daedalus may have gotten its ass kicked, but still managed to hold its own against 12 friggin' Wraith Hive Ships? Then yeah, the geek in me just can't help but squeal in girlish delight... We finally got an explanation as to why the Prometheus and the Daedalus have no Asgard energy weapons. And I got to see a lot of Wraith ships get blown the fuck up by transported nukes, Kathryn Janeway style... a tactic that I've always been screaming at my Star Trek captains to just fucking use...

I love my nukes, afterall. And I love my Dr. Weir, Major Sheppard, Dr. McKay, and I guess Dr. Zelenka love triangle even more...

I've always loved Stargate Atlantis straight from the pilot episode. And I can only expect that things won't be changing for a very long time, now that I've already watched The Siege (Part 3) twice, and still want to watch it a third goddam time in a row...

It wasn't a perfect episode, like I had been so hyped for over the entire spring and summer break...

... as the Battlestar Daedalus could kick the Galactica's ass on not just Fridays, but any day of the week..."

"But still, the episode of the week still has to go to Stargate Atlantis... though for once, the margin of victory was barely measurable at all...

The Intruder wasn't a bad episode by any stretch of the imagination. It just wasn't really stellar... besides being interstellar, that's all...

It felt like a flashback episode, really. And completely unlike Letters from Pegasus, I couldn't care less about the flashback moments on screen...

Now, John Sheppard being all down on himself for letting that Lt. Ford slip out of his grasp, wasn't such a bad moment. Especially since I really expected him to end up consoling Ford's cousin over the counter top or something...

Now, I actually loved her moment with Sheppard at the start of the episode. The two really seemed to connect, over finally realizing that the city of Atlantis was now their true home... and the compliment that Weir gave, about the right people in charge giving him the promotion to Lt. Col?... It was cute, really. The way that Sheppard both realized that Weir had a hand in his promotion... and that she had so much faith in him...

But whenever it came to Narim? Or Simon? Or whatever his fucking name was?... Thank God the asshole is finally going back to Tollana, because I don't think I can ever stand another fucking weird, Weir moment with him... I mean seriously, I know it's been a year since I last complained about her wardrobe. But WHAT THE FUCK was Elizabeth wearing during that candle lit dinner? Seriously, at first glance, it looked like she was in a naughty maid suit or something... And while personally, I would've gone for it there over the fucking kitchen stove, Narim is still too attached to the ass of Samantha Carter to ever really give a damn. And the complete lack of chemistry between the two, just reminds me too fucking much of Kathryn Janeway with fucking Chakotay for close comfort...

But bah, the men in charge weren't much better either... Col. Caldwell was a bit of an asshole. He was stung by the bitchy Weir in the SGC briefing room, and acted like a baby who lost his toy for the rest of the episode. He just didn't have the commanding type of commander performance we saw from him in The Siege (Part 3), as he really didn't do much but just sit there as McKay and Weir dictated all the terms to him... And General Landry? Oh God, did he ever suck back in SG-1's Avalon, thanks to hitting on his fucking doctor of a daughter (though oddly... I have no problem with that... except for the fact that he's ugly as fuck...). But he just acted like an idiot of a chum with Caldwell in the briefing room... sort of striding and pacing around, like some dumb fuck of an uncle from the unwanted hick side of the family...

... sigh... I miss General Hammond... or O'Neill... or even fucking Dr. Weir in command, sadly enough...

Dr. Beckett got a few good moments in, complaining about reading resumes of people far more qualified for the job than he is. I can certainly relate, as my resume fucking really sucks right now (though at least he can put "intergalactic surgeon" on his... I guess I should try the same...)... Teyla didn't have much else to do than seem so excited at Dr. Weir's return, that I couldn't help but think that Teyla just didn't have enough fun 'procreating... with herself' while Elizabeth was gone... And it's a shame that Zelenka wasn't on the Daedalus or anything. It was decent to leave him in command with McKay gone, but we sure could've used the nerdsome twosome and their playful banter back on the ship... for 'shippers sakes, at least...

But just like Zelenka has met his match in McKay?... McKay has finally met his match with Hermiod...

Yeah, Hermiod's act did start getting old by the end of the episode. But hot damn, does the guy have a foul little mouth!... I literally spewed chunks of food out my nose when the Asgard sighed in frustration at McKay's order to search around the computers aimlessly. And you gotta give props to the Asgard fella, for not blasting Sheppard with an Asgard ugly stick after that "is he supposed to be naked?" comment (though the question definitely is valid)... The poor bastard is stuck with lowly humans on a primitive ship. It was almost as if he was rooting for the computer virus to kick the humans' asses, so the Assgard wouldn't feel so embarrassed for getting their asses kicked by the Replicators...

... but really, how the hell could he not enjoy working with McKay of all people?... Rodney is the man, and will forever be the man...

His reactions to Hermiod were simply priceless, especially when he heard the Asgard not even bother to hide his sigh of McKay stupidity... His crouching during the transport into the hangar bay may have seemed weird at first, considering SG-1 has beamed people in and out of rooms countless times. But I suppose for him, the site to site transport thing was new, and he wasn't a fan of rematerializing in a desk, so... And the poor guy couldn't even hold his lunch in the F-302 with Sheppard. I know that 6 G's is a lot to take, so you gotta give props to the guy, and feel for the guy too, when he looked so dejected and disappointed at the Lt. Col. mocking him with the flight stick controls in the end...

Now personally, besides all the flashback scenes, if one thing took The Intruder down a notch? It was definitely the... umm... plot...

We've seen it all before. Or at least, long time Stargate SG-1 fans have at least... The whole situation reeked of season four's Entity, as McKay even references that episode to solve the viral problem in the end... And really, I find it fucking hard to believe that the Wraith of all people could design such an ingenious computer virus, a mutating one that an Asgard couldn't even figure out how to fight (unless he was actually rooting for it to win, like I said...)... Wraith technology is mostly biological. And unless they stole binary AI tech from the Ancients, I don't see how they could remotely infect a supposedly secure, alien computer system with a fucking intelligent computer entity...

Lt. Gaeta must've uploaded a damn computer virus past the software firewalls of the Daedalus, through the ZPM that Gaeta "conveniently" had in his hands back in SG-1's Moebius...

It's the only real, logical solution here. Networked computers are never a good idea against the motherfrakkin' Cylons...

And personally, after the SG-1 writers already got to mull over the countless faults in Entity from years ago (like, say, a bad plot?...), I was disappointed in the same damn solution being used again here... The computer virus hid itself from total system shutdown and back-up bootup, by compressing itself and hiding in a remote computer (in this case, the F-302 navigation computers)... But didn't the writers realize that the F-302's aren't the only place the virus can hide? Any of the network connected laptop or PDA computers on the ship could've been infected as well (unless they purged all those too). And hell, don't even nuclear warheads have a navigational computer or two?... the fucking Cylons should be smarter than just hiding out in one damn little fighter jet in space...

... I found it completely ridiculous that the Daedalus didn't destroy the fleeing F-302 right after beaming out Sheppard, considering it and its computer database could one day fall into Wraith hands...

... I mean, an AI controlled fighter jet, intent on killing everyone in sight?...

Yeah, I loved that dogfight at the end. I've always been huge fan of fighter jets in the past, and I'm not gonna be changing my ways anytime soon. Not even after seeing Stealth, I can tell you that... Sheppard did a hell of a lot of cool-ass moves in the F-302, as those things are far more maneuverable than Goa'uld Gliders and Wraith Darts it seems (though not nearly as durable as the former, and not nearly as fast as the latter). The turns and dips he did would've looked simply amazing with scenery in the background. And the sudden stop he pulled even wrenched my gut, after seeing McKay's reaction to it at least... Sheppard complained about the lack of inertia in the Puddle Jumpers, so he must be thrilled with the F-302's now. And his excitement about being back in the cockpit really did show in this episode, as I probably got more enjoyment out of his short tangent in a fighter dogfight this episode, than I probably ever did throughout The Siege (Part 3) last week...

And that's exactly why, Stargate Atlantis once again pulls in the reigns of the IvanFian best episode of the week award...

I mean, it's Hermiod and McKay!... it's Sheppard and Stealth!... and it's Dr. Weir with her fucking horrible wardrobe back...

"Stargate Atlantis' Runner was, pardon the pun, a close 'runner-up' for the best episode of the week award...

While SG-1 returned to its roots of mythology, Stargate Atlantis shined once more as it returned to its roots of character development and interaction...

Runner consisted of a simple story, of simply a hostage-taking on one end of the field, and a friend in need on the other side with a P90... The episode has already been criticized for feeling like mid-season filler. And to some extent, I do agree... as there was just something lacking from the total package, as if I was watching some brainless Baywatch episode at times...

... although Ronon Dex, and maybe McKay's own personal sunscreen SPF 100, had more to do with that than anything else...

Now, I simply hate the fact that Lt. Ford has left the show, and not even for greener pastures. So obviously, I turned out to be a bit biased against Ronon Dex (Ford's replacement) in the end. Still, the actor turned out to be a bit better than I thought... Sure, I hated how the episode set Dex up to be too damn good, as he made Sheppard and Teyla look like fools with that throw-a-bag trick. But really, as long as the guy can keep giving us fist and Krauser knife-fights like the one he had with Ford at the end? Then I'll be willing to watch...

Now, I don't like how Ronon so far as been portrayed as a human Klingon or something, or even an Andromeda Tyr clone to go with the Rommie one on Stargate. And it bugs me to hell that the prop department was so cheap they actually used Genii weapons for Dex's flashbacks (unless his planet was part of the old Genii Confederation)... But yes, at least he did seem like he had some chemistry with Teyla. The ripping of the shirt was a bit too stupid for my tastes (I personally wish she ripped open Sora's shirt instead... where the hell did they put that bitch anyhew?...). But the two did sort of connect in an eye-staring sort of soap opera way... the kind of which I'd prefer to stay on Baywatch actually. But at least Teyla finally feels like she has somewhere or someone to belong with, as she always did feel like an outsider amongst the group...

I always kinda wished that Teyla ended up with Aiden in the end, even if the two actors had no chemistry. And perhaps they still can, considering she's a Wraith, and Ford is completely nuts now... And to be honest? I really hope the writers know what they have here, because Rainbow Sun Francks is just awesome as the kid gone wild on Wraith sugar... He acts like a Muchmusic host hopped up on E actually, like we've all seen before. In a good way, I mean...

His schizophrenic performance is really great to watch here, as one moment, he's just the friendly Ford we've always known. And yet it just feels so eerie and awkward, to see the guy giving friendly jabs at McKay of wanting to catch up on things, or congratulating Sheppard on his promotion or whatnot... One moment, he looks sorry as hell for shooting P90 rounds right at McKay's head. And the next, he's willing to kill the unarmed, upside-down man hanging in a tree, without any real hesitation to blow one of his best friends right in the head... I personally think Rainbow put in a stellar performance as the n00b fighting back against his fraternity initiation. I loved the way he acted as he told McKay off for all the jokes he made in the past, and how all his friends abandoned him... The guy really is messed up, considering how perfect of a little soldier he used to be. Yet if you look around the real world around us, you can argue that he ain't really far gone... relatively speaking for a Muchmusic VJ, I mean...

Runner definitely took the ball from Atlantis and ran with it... but of course, there are reasons why it didn't quite get the IvanFian episode of the week...

McKay is always a brilliant sort of character to have around. But the difference between being annoying, and being McKay, is a fine line that not every writer can get the hang of... Because I'm sorry, but McKay has regressed a bit too much for his own good this season. All his nauseating talk about ozone radiation, and his thing for the Hazmat suit all episode long, really did grate on the nerves after a bit. McKay may be a wuss, but I think episodes like The Defiant One should've proved by now that he ain't that much of a wuss...

Still, whenever it comes to writing McKay as a loser who cares about his friends? The writers do normally come through. And they did again in Runner... As soon as McKay stepped in the point blank sights of Lt. Ford, Rodney re-became the lovable, wacky scientist that we've all grown to love... He cared about Ford, trying to calmly talk him down into coming back to the Puddle Jumper with him. Yet as always, McKay loses all patience, and starts wishing Ford would just shoot him to prove how far gone he really was... The look on McKay's face was simply priceless when he accidentally or instinctively shot Ford in the shoulder. And even if he was a coward, shooting that gun mindlessly in the air while crying for help, it was still definitely the highlight of the episode for me... McKay with good intentions yet always fucking up, is the kind of guy we can all relate to. Or at least the kind of guy that I can relate to, especially after a fucking week like I just had...

John Sheppard and Teyla had a few good lines themselves, but they really didn't do much... Sheppard got to relate to Ronon thanks to his military rank, and Teyla got to 'prove' she was trustworthy by ripping open his shirt and proclaiming "we wish you no harm". Which somehow worked like a charm, by the way... Dr. Beckett got another cliche scene of him being terrified to leave the infirmary. But he along with Dex did a great job in the surgery scene, as it really did look painful to watch the Baywatch bitch flinch... I would also say Ronon's acting was painful to watch as well. Yet surprisingly it wasn't, if only because Ford carried him in that stellar knife fight of theirs. And Sheppard provided all the comic relief needed to prevent Dex's hair from being the comic focus of the show...

I personally still wish that the writers would keep Dex on the run, and get Rainbow Sun Francks back on the show full time... but still, my personal misforgivings aside, Runner definitely did show a ton of promise for the second season of the series... Ford was finally truly interesting, as Runner was by far the actor's best performance on the series to date. And even I have to admit Ronon Dex doesn't seem to bad, if only because the man does look badass with an alien revolver in his hand..."

"Well, to be honest, Stargate Atlantis' Duet wasn't the greatest of episodes. Very few filler episodes ever are... which explains why, for the first time in a goddam blue moon, neither Stargate show will take home the IvanFian episode of the week award. Not that anyone really cares about that, mind you...

Duet on paper was just another transporter-accident sort of episode, the kind of which I've seen on Star Trek series for years and years. Hell, I was sick of the formula by DS9, let alone by the umpteenth time that Voyager pulled the cliche out of their ass... And hell, even Stargate SG-1 has done its fair share of multiple consciousnesses in a single brain sort of thing. Hell, doesn't Daniel Jackson have a quota or something, that he goes crazy from an imaginary voice in his head at least once a season?... which is why I was so surprised that Beckett never did an EEG test along with the MRI, to kind of check for a secondary consciousness in Rodney's mind or anything, like Carter would routinely or some shit like that. Not to mention the fact that half of the time, I was wondering why the hell nobody thought about interfacing with the Atlantis transporters..

Nevertheless, I did definitely enjoy Duet for what it was worth. And it was definitely worth an hour of fun, as Dr. Rodney McKay was finally back to his usual self... David Hewlett is an amazing actor, as Atlantis has proved time and time again. The only issue, is where to draw the line with his McKayisms... Last week, he was overbearingly annoying with his ozone layer comments. But this week? He got back his genuine, sarcastic snark... which is what always made him the Dr. Rodney McKay we know and love...

There were some negatives to his performance in Duet though, but I can hardly consider them his fault. Take the Golem scene with Dr. Heightmeyer for instance, as the director really didn't need to keep pulling off quick camera cuts (considering how great Hewlett had been all episode long in differentiating the two personalities stuck in his head)... Sometimes Rodney was a bit too angry for his own good as well. I understand his frustration at having a hot girl stuck in his head (afterall, what use is a hot girl, if you can't at least sex up their body, right?... umm...). But his berating of Zelenka was a bit too much at times, all the way to the point where Rodney did become annoying as much as his calculations were coming out all wrong... though at least the two crazy scientists kissed and made up in the end...

For the most part, David Hewlett was just a one-man total show in Duet, and he definitely held his own far more than SG-1 could muster an hour earlier... Considering the actor only had an imaginary voice in his head to work with, it was amazing just how real he made every situation feel. Getting out of bed naked, he was so visibly embarrassed as hell that it astounded me. And the poor guy cracked me up big time, every single moment he yelled and screamed at the voice inside his head, berating him with stupid questions in front of others constantly...

Normally, I'd give the IvanFian award to McKay, just for being the absolute best at fixing things and berating people at the same damn time... But if there's any reason that the actor should get an Emmy for his performance in Duet, it was because of how he handled having a woman in his head. Most guy actors go way over the top with the mannerisms, but Rodney McKay was just dead-on perfect with all his poses and all his little flirts. I laughed so hard when he so seductively patted Dr. Beckett on the hand...

... and God, I feel for the man, as he held his head in shame after realizing what Lt. Cadman had done with his lips to Carson...

Dr. Beckett for once didn't feel tacked onto an episode. And ironically enough, this was the episode where he was literally was tacked onto a date... The three (or four?) way date scene was simply hilarious to watch. Sure, I seriously doubt that any woman (save for a horny botanist) would ever fall for the shit that Lt. Cadman claimed would work, but the dinner itself was spectacular... Watching Rodney chug away at the wine, with Cadman rooting him on? And just watching Beckett there, not knowing what the hell he was doing there? I don't know, but it just worked for me...

... and it also helped that all the women on Atlantis are fucking, sweet ass hot...

Dr. Heightmeyer was back. And while I still hate her pastel-like, Tara Reid face, I can't complain about the lovely outfits she wears... And Katie Brown the botanist wasn't so bad herself. She wasn't my sort of girl, but she definitely had a cute sort of look to her, with a button of a body that I definitely wouldn't have minded in the warm embrace of Lt. Cadman... if only that had been the actual actress there, kissing her instead...

And personally, I really think the Atlantis writers should bring Jaime Ray Newman back to the show. Having her inside Rodney's mind 95% of the time actually made me concentrate on her acting assets, and not just the usual assets I'd pay attention to... I thought she had great delivery on her lines, as everything just felt so natural and seamless up inside Rodney's head, as he was slapping himself silly with his own hand I mean. I mean, who the hell can't resist rock, scissors paper against their other arm?... The actress made some great jokes as well. The citrus one was obvious, but still made me snicker. And if you ask me? She probably did like what she saw in the mirror after sleeping in the fucking nude...

Now, I personally would love to get the actress back on the show, with her acting being the principle reason, of course...

The duet between the two actors consisted of great chemistry, with Dr. Beckett being the middle man, taking a fucking huge kiss to the man lips in the process... Even though some scenes were definitely more annoying than others, I definitely did enjoy the A-storyline of this filler episode far more than I thought I would...

Ironically enough, pretty much every Ronon moment was shown in the 10 second teaser trailer last week... There were a couple lines of his that I enjoyed though, I guess. Or not, considering he didn't do anything but scruff his hair and talk in Tyr talk, almost as if an Andromeda writer had slipped onto the base through the Daedalus or some shit like that... Ronon really had no character development in Duet. And his fight scenes in the episode weren't really great either, considering the three men he was facing didn't even fucking parry once. I honestly felt like I was watching that shitty ass Episode III Mace Windu vs Palpatine fight again, or some shit like that... But his character will grow with time, I'm sure...

... I just wish it wasn't with Teyla... I mean, all Teyla got to do this episode, was show off her legs and flexibility with the splits, and then go more into her fucking grating relationship with Ronon... He obviously already likes her enough to come to her room to apologize in person. And he obviously likes her enough, to take her down and strangle her by the neck to show her how much he cares... That's all Teyla and Ronon really got to achieve this episode. Looking like generic warriors, there on the show for sex appeal... At least Teal'c got some real Jaffa storylines to cover his ass. And at least Ford had a bit of comedy whenever McKay was around... But so far, I've seen nothing of value from these two characters. Save for some wicked ass stick fights, of course...

The saving grace of the Ronon storyline this episode, was of course John Sheppard. The expression on his face when he saw why Ronon liked his own personal revolver, was simply priceless... The fork and knife scene did nothing for me. But Sheppard still managed to lighten up the barbaric mood, by juxtaposing his wry friendliness with just how much of a conversationalist Ronon turned out to be...

It's the little things in Atlantis that make the show as special as it is. And it's the minor character moments that really let the show shine... Sheppard apologizing to McKay for firing at the Dart he was trapped in, was the kind of small thing that a lot of writers always forget to put into their scripts. And yet it was also one of those moments, that just feels natural and clicks character wise... Both actors handled that scene perfectly, as they really did seem like trusted friends...

Dr. Weir was basically in the background, letting the guest starring hotties on the show take over for the day. Then again, Elizabeth definitely held her own with that tried and true T-shirt of hers... If she made any real contribution to Duet though, it was these two things. First, she referred to John as "Major Sheppard" while talking to Ronon, and I didn't even notice that until the second goddam viewing... And second? She really did seem to have chemistry with the Lt. Col. The two of them talking over allowing Ronon to join the team, reminded me of a cute couple flirting over what to have for supper or something. The playfulness between the two definitely gives some reason for Dr. Weir to stick around...

... though this time around, he did have a real hot ass girl as his own Tigh that binds...

Still, the actor and character alone made Duet into what was probably the most enjoyable episode on Sci-Fi Friday.

Sure, it wasn't a great episode... but it was definitely one of the most entertaining filler episodes I've seen in quite a while.

... and it was also one of the greatest single acting performances you'll probably ever see...

"I've been condemned to fucking headaches and nausea all week long... so I was hoping of getting a humourous episode this week, to lift up my spirits while work fucking drags me the fuck down below... to balance off these two fucking, warring powers that may be, it seems...

SG-1 was a decent enough episode, and probably good enough to be my IvanFian episode of the week... simply because the competition was real damn light, all things considered, this Sci-Fi Friday...

... but I'll still admit, that Atlantis' Condemned was probably the episode I most enjoyed...

It was a simple, by-the-book episode more or less. And to be honest, it really reminded me of that Odo episode in SG-1's season four, where Jack tries to make an alliance with the Adolf Hitler of that world... and ended up killing him mercilessly without trial in the end, might I add...

Condemned was pretty much the same. The ending of it just made little fucking moral sense... I know that Sheppard needed the convicts to leave, if he wanted to get his team to safety and all. But really, not only did he let loose armed murderers into the galaxy, but he made sure that every innocent person left on the planet, would suffer the consequences at the hands of the Wraith... Now, I'm sure a race as advanced as the ones in Condemned were, could easily handle a Wraith cruiser or two. But once the Hive ships come knocking at the door, I for one think that Sheppard's actions should definitely be condemned...

Either way, even if it was, there are other reasons why Condemned just wasn't good enough to be my episode of the week... namely, just how stupid everyone was in it, pretty much...

Explain to me, why the fuck didn't Sheppard cloak his jumper while going over hostile criminal territory? Is it really that hard just to think of the word "cloak" or some shit like that, before heading into fucking cannon fire?... Even once the cloak was damaged, why the hell didn't he just fly higher? The damn ship can reach orbit, and yet he still stays in the direct line of fire? WTF?... And then his big diversion at the end, ended up as nothing more than a few sticks and stones. You'd think that they would've ambushed the criminals for their weapons back, while Torrell and his men were scouting for the Wraith Dart or something. But no... instead, Sheppard thought that he could snap the criminals' backs in half with his bare hands like a twig...

Atlantis hasn't really been great this season when it comes to the actual plotlines. Even The Siege (Part 3) felt rushed in terms of an ending... although that still stands as my favourite episode of the season, of all sci-fi shows so far...

Still, Stargate Atlantis always comes through where it matters most... in the comedy, and in the characters...

Sheppard was back to his old bag of tricks this episode. I mean, who here didn't get choked up when the guy was reminiscing about the destroyed city of Atlantis?... He had a lot of his old wacky lines back. Calling Ronon as "Chewie" was one thing, and trying to order a pizza before ordering the big, harry brute around was another... Of course, the best moment possible came from the stick he tried to snap in two. The poor guy busted his leg up, as he's never going to kick Teyla's ass and fuck it up at this rate... John Sheppard definitely wasn't a smart hero this time around, as he even didn't check around his shanty shack of a cell for the goddam radio. But at least his sheer stupidity lightened my mood up, just a tiny bit at least...

Ronon Dex was pretty much useless, wearing weird ass clothes that remind me more of a pimp than even a fucking Baywatch slut does... Still, while his action skills were sorely lacking (as he barely even fought well this episode), I found his comedic timing to be strangely acute, for some odd reason... I snickered at his little porridge and Goldilocks shit, if only because McKay makes every moment great. And who here didn't laugh out loud as the criminals at gunpoint told him not to move at all, only for Ronon to still kick that guy on the ground for good measure?... His character may have had no depth in Condemned. But damn, does the man have style...

Teyla got to get some decent lines in. Pretty much more than she ever did in season one, besides the moments she used her Wraith abilities at least... I absolutely loved her stick fighting in Condemned, as the actress really is talented at the Star Wars: Episode I fighting. Give the gal a lightsabre to take on the Ori, why don't you... And I don't know, but just the looks she gave to each other character on the cast seemed to show a lot of trust and loyalty. Either she's sleeping with everyone behind the scenes, or she's just really comfortable with her role in the team now. And it shows somehow, as she was always perfectly placed on Sheppard's wing... it works from both a friendly and military viewpoint, if you ask the noname whiner at least...

Dr. Weir finally got to go offworld, and show some backbone too. Too bad it's not her backside I prefer on her, however... Still, I suppose that actually taking a stand, and having Major Lorne back her up with firepower, was a nice change of pace over her whining like a bitch every single episode. And she did show some decent poise and conviction in the Puddle Jumper while the Wraith Cruisers hovered up above... But meh, she still didn't do it for me. What ever happened to changing her hair and tight ass T-shirt every single hour?... it was the little things from Weir I treasured... and her bigger assets as well...

And Dr. McKay was kicking ass and taking as many names as ever... Now, I'm afraid that the loser villain, Torrell, will come back in some later episode or something, because it was strange how he had McKay pegged down so well in Condemned. Hell, I even laughed at how he pointed out McKay always likes to make himself look like a hero, for achieving the impossible. And then McKay just happens to achieve the 'impossible' an hour so later... Even if Torrell sucked, McKay made every single actor he worked with sound great. Factor in Rodney having the greatest of lines, like being shot down by the cast of Braveheart, and what do you get?...

Unfortunately, if there's just one more real reason why Condemned will be forever Condemned to be just an average filler episode of the season? It's because the villains just weren't up to stuff and snuff... 'nuff said...

The Magistrate was just plain weird. He did an alright job at the dinner table, being so terrified of the Wraith that he was shaking as he was forcing himself to laugh. But for the rest of the episode, he was just a slimy, fat, pompous, generic asshole... I mean, hasn't this card been played before? Wasn't the character some magistrate on some Christian world in season four, who eventually got himself taken over by a Goa'uld, and shot to death a couple of thousand times?... then yeah, he wasn't so threatening in Condemned anymore...

The cultured Wraith was just plain off as well... Now, I don't mind the fact that some Wraith out there, are more human-like than the rest are. It's just that, there was just something about his performance, that reminded me way too much of a bad Buffy episode or something... I just bought the Last Samurai and Interview with the Vampire 2-Pack DVD set today. And somehow, the Wraith in Condemned just reminds me of fucking Tom Cruise, claiming he's going to "miss our conversations" at the dinner table, or some bullshit like that...

Since the Wraith wasn't given a name this episode, I might as well call him Spike. Because really, what else can you name a blonde haired, space-vampire, who actually eats food as twinkies for the texture?...

I can't wait until Buffy the Vampire Slayer gets her ass staked by Spike the Wraith...

... or Darth Willow goes one-on-one against a Prior of the Ori, but that's a story for another day...

... hells bells, I'd sure wish the powers that be could just make that happen...

But for now? I think I'd just rather settle for some decent sleep, and hopefully a full fucking recovery by tomorrow morning...

... as really, even though the Stargates weren't exactly the most stellar of episodes this week?...

... they were still decent enough... for a sick and tired and dissident man looking for a bit of relief, at least...

... as I was entertained, and even intrigued... there's really nothing to condemn the powers that be for..."

I mean seriously, Sci-Fi Friday had a nice trinity going for itself this week, as Stargate SG-1, Atlantis, and Battlestar Galactica all had decent to more than decent shows...

What was her problem anyhew? Yes, I can see her point, in wanting to save lives when it came to shutting down the experiment. And Rodney was really kind of obsessed with the thing, Omega fucking particle style... But did she really have to snipe and snap at anyone who wanted to keep the experiment going? Sure, Caldwell's blurb about "human error" was just mincing words about wanting to keep the weapon testing going. But really, it was still a valid question, and yet Weir still just tried to fuck the Col. up for the rest of the episode for it... She screamed and bitched at everyone. As except for her boobs being all perky in those goddam scenes, for whatever sort of reason, it was like watching my goddam mother bitching and complaining that I spend too much time at school, or some shit like that...

If you completely ignore Dr. Weir, then Trinity was not a bad episode whatsoever. It was just that... it wasn't an enjoyable one, like I've come to expect from Stargate Atlantis as a whole...

Trinity as a name, reminded me of two things. a) Fucking Trinity from the fucking Matrix, fucking the entire series up with her bitching... and b)? The episode kind of reminds me of those times in romantic comedies, where the fucking bitch learns a secret about the guy, and then breaks things off with him until he finally gets on his knees and begs her to come back... fucking bitches...

The break-up parts of romantic comedies are always the hardest parts to watch, and inherently the least entertaining parts as well. Although at least, they're usually humiliating in a good way...

But I can't say the same when it comes to Rodney McKay losing his trust factor when it comes to all his teammates... Some on the internet are hailing the series, for finally making the guy seem human and prone to "human error", and I do agree to some extent. It just wasn't entertaining though... Maybe it will be, once he and Sheppard kiss and make up, or whatever sort of 'shipper crap? Sometimes, a series does have to sacrifice an episode or two, for the good of the seasonal arc...

But still, son of a bitch... everyone was just so goddam bitchy this episode, that it wasn't even funny...

Sheppard wasn't his usual joking self. Instead, all he did was claim he trusted McKay, yet in his eyes, it looked like he was standing there with a rapist while McKay was simply fucking Zelenka over with his arrogant speeches... I liked the final Puddle Jumper run away from the planet, but once again, what the fuck was Sheppard thinking? I know that Ancient sensors should be able to see through cloaks, but why the fuck didn't he just try to fucking cloak the fucking jumper? Seriously, how hard could it be just to fucking think of the fucking word "invisible"?... I can understand why he would be hesitant to trust McKay for a long while, and cross and close his arms like he did in the transport elevator. But considering how dumbass the Colonel has been being for the past several weeks in combat situations, I just can't fucking take him seriously anymore...

Beckett was barely in the episode, so I can't really comment about anything he did much. And Caldwell was mostly annoying, considering the writers have been setting him up to be the completely pro-military guy on the show, which never rubs off well on the fans... But at least Caldwell was honest with Weir, when it came to admitting he wanted the big honking space gun on the planet. And at least the Daedalus saved the day in the end, with a nice interference run and a kickass shot of the ship... The thing is, the fucking Daedalus' shields didn't even buckle under the stress of the superweapon of the Ancients. WTF?... I know the power source was only running at 40%, but really, that weapon must've sucked ass if it can't even fucking beat up an Asgard shield. And if Ancient weapons don't go right through shields like drones do, as I've come to expect, then why the hell don't the Wraith protect their ships with fucking shields? WTF?...

Teyla and Ronon took up the B-plot of the episode. And it wasn't a bad plot, as Trinity was a character driven episode, and their 'relationship' will definitely define the two by the end of the season... It's just that, not much happened from a plot point of view when it came to their trading story. Ronon simply used her friendship like a guy would use a bitch, and then backstab her by fucking stabbing a traitor in the face, in front of her face. Really, what's wrong with that?... I didn't mind their story, as slow as it was. It's just that... it dragged away from the A-plotline, you know? Every time we would finally settle into some decent moments in the Ancient power lab, the episode would cut to some lame ass drinking scene, or Teyla helping to tuck Ronon fucking Dex in bed or some crap like that. WTF?...

But Trinity was all about McKay in the end. It's just that, he wasn't the funny McKay that we've come to know and love...

I loved his script in some places. Comparing the Arcturus project to the Manhattan project was a great moment for me, as I studied the progress of the first nuclear bombs like an obsessed maniac when I was smaller... It also brings up a lot of debatable topics to this day. I mean, was it really necessary to build the first nuclear bomb? Would the world have been a better place if the scientists had just given up and quit the project?... Either way, McKay did make sense in a lot of moments. He wanted the red shirted scientist's death to actually mean something. And he was right in asking for Sheppard's trust, as really, Rodney has saved his ass too many times to tell...

... and then McKay just blows up one piddly, little star system... or "five sixths" of it actually?... and then suddenly everyone just turns on him? WTF?...

Seriously, what was with Stargate this week, and fucking planetary destruction?...

Though McKay was definitely a bit too fargone with this project for his own good. As bitchy Weir had it right, when she mentioned that sometimes Rodney has to be saved from himself... Arcturus was a high risk, high reward kind of ideal. Siphoning energy from the entropy of our own universe is like the holy grail of power sources. As the only way you'd ever run out of steam, is if you fucking blew up our fucking universe in the process. And I guess if you did, a power source wouldn't be so useful anymore...

Zelenka's little speech about the whole power source thing, absolutely sucked though. He talked about unpredictability and exotic particles, as if he was just describing quantum physics as we know it today. I mean, in the first seasons of Stargate, I would've believed a speech like that, since modern day gluons and subatomic shit like that are completely unpredictable to humanity in behaviour... But after seeing what the Tollans, Asgard, and Ancients could do with physics, then why not believe that there is always a way to control the unpredictable? It wasn't like they were seeing dancing gerbils or mice underneath the microscope or anything... As a wannabe scientist myself, I don't think McKay was so far off in thinking that the Ancients were so close to figuring it all out. I mean, Carter at the start of SG-1 thought hyperspace travel was impossible. And Zero Point Modules still don't seem like alkaline batteries to me, so...

Still, McKay was definitely too arrogant for his own good, thinking he was actually smarter than the Ancients at some points. And he did abuse his trust when it came to Sheppard, as McKay didn't even leave his monitor console when the overload was happening a second time... Rodney has definitely been taken down a notch, as the poor guy was humbled and embarrassed and definitely hurt when it was all said and done...

And while I'm sure that'll bring across some nice consequences and continuity in later episodes?...

... well, it just wasn't entertaining enough, or IvanFian episode of the week quality for me...

For a character driven episode, Atlantis was too heavy with pessimism, and far too light on the comedic elements of the periodic table...

But still, we got some amazing CG shots of the Wraith fleet destroyed in orbit. And we got Rodney McKay, showing off his acting skills, like only Hewlett can (David Hewlett, I mean... not Jennifer Love Hewitt... though I do love what she shows off too... fucking bitch...)...

It's not that the episodes have been bad. Hell, the writing in Instinct was actually very strong, and definitely one of the better scripts the Stargate writers have done this season...

... and all the unhappy endings, just reminds me of a bad Battlestar Galactica rip-off, you know?...

Not only does Elia turn out to be semi-evil in the end, having eaten a bunch of people in secret rather than just tell her father the truth. Not only does the father get killed by his own daughter, after already giving up about sixty years of his life to keep her nourished... Not only does Sheppard along with his team get their asses completely kicked in by Elia, only a day after she offers them cookies and tea. But after all of this depressing shit, the team ends up fucking Elia over with a shower of bullets, and then just suddenly cuts to credits?... That's it? WTF?...

Personally, I thought it was a complete waste to just off Jewel Staite as a character so soon and quickly in the series as they did. She's such a warm, charming, compassionate, and dazzling adorable actress in the end. She was perhaps the only saving grace of Firefly as a series on a whole. And it would've been great to keep her around in human form (after perfecting the retrovirus), constantly battling her inner Wraith instincts by fucking herself or some sort of shit like that... Hell, they should've just left her in the same cell as Sora is still stuck in. Then she can fucking eat Sora the fuck out... in which way, I'll leave that up to your imagination...

But either way, straight from my heart of gold, I did think Jewel Staite was still the best part of Instinct as an episode. She only had one moment to shine, as she was so shyly offering tea and biscuits or whatever to the Atlantis team. But she nailed the convictions of a monster trying to be a decent person so damn amazingly well in that one scene alone, that it almost made up for the fact that she could've been replaced by a generic stunt double for the rest of Instinct for all that mattered... Seeing Firefly's darling Kaylee, trying to gnaw off Teyla's head in a fucking phallic forest, is not the kind of thing that fans have come to expect from the actress. Sure, she can always come back to the show as a different character, but I really did think that her portrayal of Elia merited some sort of return for the Wraith in the future...

... the fact the actress isn't coming back, is a goddam Greek tragedy in itself in the end...

... or at least a bad, old skool monster movie, if you're into that kind of shit...

Instinct tried to portray itself in the same sort of vein as a B-rated horror film from the 50's. But that's what really killed the mood and the pacing of this episode in the end... All the flashbacks just didn't have the kind of impact that you would expect from a Wraith dart, leaving that sort of impact in the ground. And all the cautionary tales that the elder in the tavern was spouting out, just felt lame once we realized we were only dealing with one Wraith or two...

Now, I did like how the writers used the flashbacks to their advantage at points, tricking us into believing that Elia's father was an old man at the time he found her. And I thought it was pretty smart writing there, that the elder father in the village did mention that he lost his son about two years after the Wraith dart crashed... But still, there was just something off about this episode. Like it tried to be slow and suspenseful, but just ending up wasting time in the end? Sure, it had a smart and well woven script... but it just lacked the kind of fire and firepower I've come to expect from the Atlantis writers, you know?...

Sheppard just didn't really seem like himself in Instinct, and it's hard to exactly place why... Just like with Cam Mitchell back on SG-1, John's still getting the jokes. It's just that, he's getting the same kind of jokes that any kind of generic character could pull off. The Col's old skool sarcasm just ain't showing the way it used to be... To be honest, I don't really remember anything he did this episode, except get his arm nearly torn off or fed upon by Elia in the end. All I do know, is that his character has been just a tad mite too depressing for his own good this season so far... I miss the John Sheppard who would mock little naked Asgard, and fuck Dr. Weir whenever she's wearing that goddam hot T-shirt of hers, you know?...

Speaking of Dr. Weir, thank God she barely spoke a word in Instinct. My first instinct whenever I see her, is just to tell her to shut the fuck up and let me stare at her goddam breasts. And finally, she fucking listened to me... And was it just me, or did she seem really damn horny when she stared at John's little quip about pubic pimples and life sucking, as if she was thinking of a certain something else that happens to guys at puberty?... Either way, she looked hot this episode. And she didn't bitch or complain once, so how the hell can I possibly complain myself?... The less of Weir, both in terms of screentime and clothes, the better...

Teyla though, was surprisingly decent as well in Instinct. She's really coming into terms with the Wraith side of her personality, and I actually really enjoyed her attempts to reach out to Elia when it came to their mental abilities... Now personally, Teyla's fight with Elia was just plain goddam weird. How the hell did she manage to throw the Wraith off, yet get knocked unconscious a moment later? And then she gives Ronon some fucking advice that we all know is going to come back and haunt the team later on down the road?... Still, she actually seemed important for once to the team. Not just because of her fighting skills, not just because of her Wraith sensing abilities, and not just because she knows the terrain... but rather because she actually got to show and use the softer side of her strong willed personality... and she looked horny as hell while doing it, which is always a plus whenever Jewel Staite is involved, so...

I should also mention that Lt. Ford got more lines in this episode, than he pretty much had in most episodes last year by this point. Good on him them, mate... He's catching up to Pete Ross in terms of total line count at least, that's for sure...

Ronon was just sort of there, in the background. And he just didn't feel right to me somehow, you know?... He was both too badass and too wussy in Instinct at the same damn time. On the one hand, he tried to beat the living hell out of a Wraith girl scout selling cookies. And on the other hand, he looked like a lost puppy dog as he was taking care of poor Teyla's fucked up neck... Sure, the writers are trying to develop the Ronon and Teyla relationship. But how about developing the actual character first? He just doesn't have the fire in his belly that he used to have, back when he was a Runner... He's sort of like a WWE wrestler actually. Comes into the league as a big shot, beating everyone else with the Masterlock. And then he just ends up sucking for the rest of his career...

Now, Rodney McKay was completely removed from the equation pretty much in Instinct, as his character was completely subdued in terms of speech. While I applaud the writers, for acknowledging the continuity from last episode (Sheppard's still not trusting him after the whole trinity thing, it seems) in a way that wouldn't stand out like a sore thumb if you're a casual viewer, I still hate the fact that McKay barely had a single comedic line all episode long... Really, besides scaring away kids again (where was his chocolate this time?) and mocking the physics of biology (which does fucking suck, by the way), did he really have anything to say? Guess after Duet and Trinity, he's said enough, but still... Having a repressed McKay may be good writing in terms of a script, but just makes for a downright depressing episode in the end...

Why the hell did he bring the retrovirus to the cave, where anyone could steal it? Why the hell didn't he at least magnetically lock his briefcase, when even fucking mice could fucking start sucking on a needle's nipple?...

Beckett didn't fuck up as badly as McKay did last episode. But he definitely wasn't the brightest bloke on the block anymore, that's for sure... The idea of a retrovirus that turns Wraith into humans sounds so damn farfetched, even considering the Stargate world where ground Goa'uld is somehow used to sustain entire planets of free Jaffa. But still, it gives Beckett a running plotline that I know will definitely serve a purpose in later episodes... at least that's something then, as it's always great to see the actor back...

But instead of giving us hope? Instead of throwing us a boner, the writers make us go all limp with repression...

Sure, I liked the subtleties and little nuances of the script to Instinct. It all came together in the end, whether it came to the legends of the monster in the forest, the father's herbal Chinese shit crap, and even the fact that multiple deaths are always reported in the village at once...

But really, I don't need to reminded of just down suckass my life is, every single time I turn on the television...

My instincts tell me that Stargate Atlantis was never meant to be this depressing...

"Stargate Atlantis' second season has been decent... but definitely a disappointment compared to the amazing writer caliber of the first season of the series up to this point...

... the thing is, I was hoping that Conversion would, you know?... change and convert my opinion...

Now, for the most part, I did enjoy this episode. It had a strong team dynamic, with every single member caring about John Sheppard. The kind of way that made Stargate SG-1 into such a strong series for its first four seasons of the show...

Teyla didn't have much to do, except get her ass kicked in stick fighting again. But I did love that training session, as she and Sheppard truly had a Morpheus vs Neo kind of bout, when it came to the single stick and the hand behind the back sort of arrogant thing... I did enjoy the Spiderman scene to some extent as well. Watching Sheppard just crawl up and scale walls, just like his little comic book heroes probably do lodged back in his room, and having him pop the security detail a new one in return, was definitely one of the better Sheppard moments of the season... (although WTF is with the Wraith Stunners? Suddenly, they can't stun a damn thing? WTF?...)...

And when it came to that kiss between the two of them? Uggh, at least the writers got away with it not being obviously "shippy". Although it was basically as non-shippy, as Carter kissing goddam O'Neill back in SG-1's first season Broca Divide... I did like how the kiss was handled at the end of the episode though. I mean, Sheppard apologized for it and got it off his chest... and as for Teyla? I don't know... Was that a sigh of relief that the kiss didn't mean anything? Or completely the opposite?... I don't really know. Guess I don't really care...

Ronon was sort of just in the background, even though he got to play hero with his version of the stunner (which works perfectly on mutated Sheppard, for some damn reason...). Besides that, plotwise he didn't do much... But I did like all the little nuances his character got to display in Conversion. From offering to go into the bug nest alone to save Sheppard, to even that little wink he gave Teyla (which she reciprocated, might I add), Ronon was actually fleshed out a lot in terms of subtle character details in this episode... and to be honest? While I still would much rather have Ford on the team (or even goddam Jonas), the actor is really starting to convert my opinion of him... well, maybe not really. But maybe a fucking bit...

Rodney did care for Sheppard as well. But either things were still strained between the both of them from Trinity, or the writers just really couldn't think of anything to give to the ol' doc this round, for the second episode in a row... Rodney McKay unfortunately had little to say. I mean, he did have his rare moments or two, with the splinter and Ronon picking apart a pile of shit and all... But really? Eh... besides getting ignored and freaked out by Darth Sheppard in the gateroom? Rodney unfortunately, was completely forgettable in Conversion...

I was hoping that Conversion would be the big time Dr. Beckett episode that the character hasn't had yet this season. But strangely enough, he felt like such a background supporting character at times this episode, that I almost forgot that this was supposed to be his damn episode...

Sure, he had his heroic moments. Trying to pry the eggs away from the nest using saltwater and his neck collar alone was one... And sure, he had his genius moments. Realizing that the pheromones that Sheppard was producing could save the day, was definitely a decent solution in the end... (although there were so many better plans in the end than just going into the cave alone... Why couldn't the Daedalus turn off its hyperdrive diagnostics to go beaming aboard some eggs or whatever? And why the hell couldn't they just send a machine to get the goddam eggs, like a specialized MALP or some shit like that?...)...

But I don't know, the actor just didn't feel like anything but a doctor in Conversion. He didn't feel like a fleshed out character to me, as he was far too centric on the medical babble of Babylon than anything else... I expected more than just a few brief moments of remorse when it came to John's infection, yet Beckett didn't even seem like he felt guilty about the whole oreal after the first five minutes or so... And WTF was with his accent and expressions in the brain storming room? His "egg-hunt" comment just left a bad ringing in my ear somehow, as the actor just couldn't get the term to sound right, for some damn reason...

And while, like I said, I did like the solution that Beckett came up with in the end, I hated how quickly the episode just ended on that note. Atlantis has definitely had a problem with goddam short endings this season so far... While at least we got some closure when it came to the Teyla kiss, everything else in the final ten minutes just felt so goddam rushed in Conversion... I mean, where the fuck were the closure moments between Sheppard and Dr. Weir?...

... and you wanna know what else really fucking sucks about Stargate Atlantis this season?...

What the fuck is this woman's problem? When it comes to John, she's completely irresponsible and irrational... Yes, I know that going into his room alone is supposed to show how much she cares for him, and give the shippers a Wraith boner or two to play with... But WTF was with her stupidity in those scenes? Not only does she get choked because she was dumb enough to go in alone, but she also manages to leave the door unlocked to let Sheppard kick the asses of every guard outside? WTF?...

Now, Weir did have a few decent moments. For one, watching Sheppard kick the ass out of that Ancient glass in her office, definitely didn't win him any votes or favours from Elizabeth... And I don't know, but if there's ever any reason to give a damn about Weir? It's that her breasts sure were mighty goddam perky this episode around... God, they were like fucking melons beneath that hot red T-shirt of hers. And fucking sweet nippled enough to convert any fucking man into a straight fucking lesbian, but I digress...

The thing is, she lost whatever fucking brownie point she had with me when it came to goddam Col. Caldwell. She bitched and complained and bitched some more at him like there was no tomorrow... And sadly on the part of the writers, it wasn't completely her fault...

I mean seriously, what the fuck is wrong with the man? Not only does he try to take complete control of the base, not only attempting to subvert Sheppard's authority but Weir's as well behind her back... But then he fucking makes the moves on her? He fucking starts lusting after some brunette bitch that looks as young as his goddam daughter?...

... I mean, I'm all for goddam pedophilia at times (and so is every O'Neill/Carter shipper out there, apparently...)... but this was just goddam sickening...

I couldn't stand the Solitaire scene... I mean, sure it was nice to find out that they still have goddam network games on the fucking Daedalus computers. But when it came to fucking Caldwell playing fucking chess with Dr. Weir?... If it was just about the "strategic genius" part he mentioned, in terms of winning the battle against her and taking control of Atlantis, then I wouldn't give that much of a damn about it all... But the sad thing was, the writers fucking put in the fact, that Caldwell also wants to actually play fucking chess with Dr. Weir's fucking queen and bishop...

I admit that I liked how Joe Flannigan brought his own flavour and colour to his role of mutating into a giant bug. I mean, in SciFi, this kind of thing has strangely enough been done so many times, that it was nice to see his own rendition of it... I especially enjoyed his newfound understanding and perception of Ford. I probably would've thought and said the same thing in regards to not being afraid of the changes happening; how being so calm about turning into a giant fly, is perhaps the most upsetting thing about turning into a giant fucking fly...

The actor really pulled off a convincing conversion into complete animal instinct. The running against the Runner had its quirks. And that stick fight Neo-style, definitely was the highlight of the episode for me... Squishing the Wraith pimple on his arm was kind of amusing when he first saw the thing. And complaining about Weir's beside manner, while redundant in terms of Babylon an hour earlier, was still kind of cute in the way he was making her so much more nervous than he was...

But I don't know... I wanted to like Conversion... and the plot really wasn't bad or anything, despite being so by-the-book and cliche...

... the episode, even with the "happy" ending, was just so goddam depressing in the end, that it really wasn't funny...

I mean, seriously... With McKay having about two or three lines at most, and Dr. Beckett being in full technobabble mode, where the fuck was I going to get my laughs from?...

Sadly, the only time that I did fucking laugh in Conversion, was when the two goddam obvious red shirts just showed up behind Major Lorne...

You just knew they were there to fucking die. And then what do you know?... the both of them just suddenly get fucking goddam, Guy dumb enough, to just stand there in the fucking cave as massive bugs were swarming all over the fucking place...

Sure, Conversion was a decent episode to watch the first time around. The fact that the team cared so damn much about Sheppard, was reason enough to keep watching the full hour through... And I guess Mr. Neo finally beating Ms. Teyla Morpheus in the training room, provided a nice kind of balance to go along with the fucking Morpheus clone back in Heikon on Stargate SG-1 this week...

But without the trademark, hallmark comedy and team dynamic that made Stargate Atlantis into the best damn show on television last season?... well...

... it's going to take a lot more than Conversion... to ironically enough, convert me back from Stargate SG-1...

... or even fucking Hercules and fucking Xena on fucking Battlestar Galactica, for that matter...

Because you know what? My eyes lit up like the goddam Northern Lights, when I first heard about the plot about Aurora...

Fuck, Sheppard wasn't the only one with the Pavlovian response when he heard those words...

The thing is, while I love the Ancients and all the backstory we get on them, it's really the Ancients (or Alterrans) from Stargate SG-1 that I can't get enough of... You know, the kind of Ancients who were able to fill Colonel O'Neill's mind with stuff like how to build a ZPM out of just a Goa'uld staff weapon, and how to upgrade a frickin' Goa'uld cargo ship to about the intergalactic speed of the Daedalus...

I love the Ancients, and I still do love Stargate: Atlantis... but really, the spin-off show just has some goddam fucked up way, of making the Ancients look like goddam dumbasses...

In Before I Sleep, why the fuck were the Ancients trying to break through enemy lines with transport ships, when they have the frickin' Stargates to use?...

And in Aurora, it really makes no fucking sense... Why the hell did the Ancients send out a slow-ass warship, that somehow takes months to get back home, when their fucking recon work of the "utmost importance", requires a fucking ship that's as fast as the Daedalus?...

I'd like to think the Ancients in the Pegasus Galaxy were simply a goddam devolved version of the ones who left earth from the plague five million years ago... Afterall, even the engineering idiots on the Aurora were taking goddam forever to upgrade their own damn engines to even go a fraction of the intergalactic speeds that a true Asgard vessel can...

And WTF? The Wraith technology has a weakness? Unless it's like a fucking Cylon light switch, then why the fuck would it matter? I thought the Ancients were supposed to massacre the Wraith in terms of technology?...

If anything, Stargate Atlantis just keeps on making the Ancients look like a slightly more advanced (though much more sexier) version of the goddam Tollans (with sexy results)... I mean, the Tollans fluked an advantage over the Goa'uld with their ion cannons. And the Ancients did it with shields and drone technology... but that's about it...

Because from what we learn from episodes like Aurora?... God, no wonder the Ancients lost the goddam war...

On the Aurora, they carry around little stun guns that may look like the crystal of a Prior Staff, but really can't do anything past the same kind of crap you get from a hand phaser in Star Trek: The Next Generation. And their ship from what we saw, barely even uses any of that coolass thought-based technology that the chair weapon platforms do, as instead we saw a crapload of good ol' fashioned push buttons instead... And their stasis pods? Maybe if SG-1 didn't already have the same kind (if not better) of goddam virtual environment technology in season 8, then maybe I would give a damn about Sheppard jacking into the Matrix...

... was it me?... or did it just feel like we were watching some average episode of Trek, or some crap like that?...

... hell... were those fucking nacelles I saw on the old and busted Aurora warship in space?...

I guess the episode itself wasn't bad... afterall, it was more of a character piece than anything else...

The one truly annoying character was Col. Caldwell. He whined like a little son of a bitch the whole way through, first complaining that he wanted his own people to handle the situation (though I really don't see why we saw nothing of Hermiod), and later bitching about puny little Wraith cruisers on approach... I know that he didn't want the Daedalus to be discovered, or for Atlantis' cover to be blown, but really? He was a strong willed commander in The Siege (Part 3), so why the fuck did the writers have to make him into a pure asshole, just to make Dr. Weir look good?...

Well, to be honest, nobody can make Dr. Weir look good (personality wise at least... although body wise, nobody can make her look bad...)... Sure, I liked her comments about chess at the start. But she completely overreacted in a very dominatrix way, when Ronan even suggested the thought of leaving the table, let alone Atlantis... And then what else do we get from Weir, but yet another bitch session with Caldwell over how damn much control she has over his phallic manlihood? His goddam bigass ship, I mean...

I guess there was just something fucked up in the air though, because Teyla was a bit weird as well... I mean, just a year ago, she was like Teal'c at the start of SG-1's first season. She pretty much believed in magic, and felt helpless against the Wraith. But just like with Teal'c, just one season later, and suddenly every character on the goddam show is a techie...

I mean, sure she can have a pretty decent memory and all, at remembering what the hell kind of dribble McKay says all the time. But since when the fuck did she learn what all those technical terms she used this episode actually meant?... I liked the moment between her and Ronan, when she was stalling for time. They always give each other decent winks and smiles and all... But really, Teyla can now technobabble with the best of Captain Janeway's now? WTF?...

Ronan's acting was way off in Aurora. Every single line he had felt way too soft, and nowhere near the hardcore-like manner you'd expect from a man on the run for seven years. He was probably too submissive too, sort of just letting Teyla do all the talking... Then again, maybe I just felt that way about him, because I really expected a "Jonas"-like reaction to him being on the Daedalus for the first time. I mean, sure he was probably wowed by Puddle Jumpers in the past, but this was different... Why does no-one in the bloody Pegasus Galaxy even bat an eye, that a human race has a fucking ship that's fucking superior to everything the Wraith's got but the fucking Hive ships?...

... and apparently, superior to the fucking Aurora Warship as well, as it got its fucking ass kicked and name taken all too easily...

Considering this is Atlantis we're talking about, and that this episode was essentially a bad Trek ripoff, I was expecting at least a few of the things that make Trek so damn addicting to me in the end. But really, where was the Voyager technology technobabble to keep me busy? Where were the fucking space battles?... All we got instead was a fucking blip on the radar, just magically making a fucking explosion sound when it got smashed by two other blips on the radar, as if the Daedalus MGM crew installed fucking Playstation sound effects on their computers along with their fucking card games...

Instead of Star Trek, we got fucking McKay as Morpheus... we got fucking Sheppard as Neo...

... and we got such a fucking weirdass mix of The Matrix, The Wizard of Oz, and fucking I Dream of Jeanie, that I don't even know where to begin...

Once again though, Sheppard and McKay were the saving graces of the show. It was obvious that the relationship between the two was still strained (as McKay took the "don't trust me" comment a bit too seriously). But at least some of their old skool banter was finally coming back in full Aurora thunder and roar...

McKay was the man for sadly just one of the first times this season. I loved almost every single line he had, from trying to describe the virtual reality to Caldwell near the start, to making Sheppard worry like a son of a bitch right before going into the stasis pod... I loved the bit where Teyla convinced him that Sheppard would the 'safer' choice to get into the pod... And yeah, I laughed a decent laugh when McKay heroically woke up the Wraith from stasis, only to realize that he didn't have a fucking clue what to do after that. At least he didn't drop his gun and clip this time around, of course...

Aurora was mainly a Sheppard episode, although his best scenes were always with McKay. I mean, Sheppard bickering about not being told about the Wraith cruisers coming, and not being told that Caldwell was going to blow the Aurora the fuck up with him still in it, was just goddam priceless in the end... and definitely the kind of thing that I miss so damn much from Atlantis pre-Trinity...

... and if there's any real indication that Stargate Atlantis is coming back in fine form?...

Why can't all XO's look like that? Colonel Tigh, I'm motherfrakkin' looking at you...

It's the little McKay moments, like him drooling over a Wraith in fucking boiling hot sheep's skin, that make the series as good as it gets... Him running away from the waking Wraith like the wuss that McKay still somehow is, also didn't hurt things either...

But I don't know... whenever Sheppard was in the virtual reality alone, or with the Aurora crew I mean? The episode was just lacking... His performances were just stiff and dry (probably because of the construct we call the Matrix...). And without any even remotely interesting crew members on board the Ancient ship? I was really goddam wishing for the return of Captain Jean Luc Picard, or some shit like that...

That's the thing that gets me the most about Aurora... and that's the thing that gets me the most about this entire goddam second season of Stargate Atlantis...

... all the plotlines this season have been goddam interesting... on paper... or in the Matrix construct, at least...

But just like with the fucking Matrix movies, what the fuck has gone wrong with the execution?...

Where is the comedy banter really? Where is the sense of newness and exploration? Where is the writers' fucking imaginations?...

Aurora wasn't really anything more than a decent episode... all the boring virtual reality scenes of shit saw to that...

But at least it was a step in the right direction... with Sheppard and McKay lighting up the screen as the dynamic duo that they are... and with a fucking hot bitch sandwiched between the both of them in the process...

And yes, while I was severely disappointed that we got no real space battles this episode, that we didn't get any coolass new Ancient technology, and that the Ancient warship (and its crew) was goddam Picard pussified in the end?...

... guess it reminded me a bit of Yesterday's Enterprise, one of science fiction's best ever episodes made...

And I guess I've just seen too many kickass Star Trek episodes, to simply ignore a goddam good sacrifice when I see one...

"You know, for most of the second season so far? The writers of Stargate Atlantis have just seemed a tad bit?...

I mean, The Siege (Part 3) was a decent enough closer to the first season. And both Intruder and Runner had some decent writing and action in there...

But since then? I dunno, but it's like every single frickin', decent writer on the show went back to Stargate SG-1 this season or some crap like that. Because I think it's pretty safe to say by this point, that the second season of Stargate Atlantis has just licked balls compared to the series' inaugural...

If the focus of the first season was adventure and discovery, what the fuck has been the theme of the second season?...

... well, that's certainly been the broken record of my Atlantis reviews so far, at least... and for good reason...

Now, the Lost Boys was definitely a solid episode, for the most part. I mean, sure it never quite reaches the pinnacle that a series like Lost is said to by the critics, for instance...

But then again, Lost Boys was definitely way better than the actual show of Lost, the series that licks goddam donkey balls according to me at least... the show that I fucking hate like fucking mad cow shit on a goddam weekly basis... but that's a rant for another day, I'm sure...

Yes, The Lost Boys was definitely one of the better episodes of the season. It's just that, it also highlighted all the same problems that have been plaguing season two as a whole, as well...

McKay was mostly in character this episode. I loved his psychotic reaction to being dosed with the Wraith enzyme through the food, as it's definitely hard to tell whether he was actually being affected by the thing, or if he was just on his lemon chicken hypochondriac spree again... And McKay stole the show with some very laugh out lines. Claiming that he would've thought of Sheppard's plan if only he hadn't become a "drug addict", was definitely one of the best lines he's had in a very long time...

But I dunno. McKay still felt off this episode, like he has ever since Trinity... The repercussions of that episode are never even referred to on screen. But it's painfully obvious that the writers seem to be still sticking with it as a rut in the back of their minds... I mean, except for that drug addict line, did he really have any comedic interaction with Sheppard this episode? Besides going Ford crazy over being duped with the drug, did McKay really provide any sort of comic relief in The Lost Boys?...

What made season one of the series so great was not the plotlines or the action really, but the heartfelt comedy and the heartfelt emotion shared by the team... And I just don't know what has happened with the writers this season. Because despite decent performances in Aurora and now in The Lost Boys? McKay just hasn't had that it factor that he had all last season long, since at least Duet... if not Intruder...

Ronan was decent in The Lost Boys. I mean, he surely kicked ass and took names with his sword in one hand, and his stun phaser knockoff in the other. He technically didn't really have any lines, but his rivalry with Ford was definitely seen through the glare of his eyes... Still, this is the guy that they replaced Rainbow Sun Francks with? Sure, unlike the old skool Ford, Ronan actually serves a purpose on the show, as the muscle or the Teal'c of the series (without the token term "indeed", might I add)... But still, the guy has yet to pull off a decent joke on the series, besides becoming one himself outside of the action sequences...

Teyla didn't have much to say either in The Lost Boys, but I was still surprised that I ended up liking her character. In the whole "we need a montage" collage, I really enjoyed her ass-kicking sparring while suped up on the Wraith drug... Rachel as an actress may not be the best with words, but she definitely has a way with her fists and her feet. I thought her short little fight sequences were amazingly well done, as I even didn't cringe when she started flirting with goddam Ronan over punches and animalistic instincts...

But seriously, I think I do cringe every single friggin' time something comes out of her mouth... The actress tried to sound concerned when talking about how damn good it felt to be on the Wraith enzyme. But her acting range just paled in comparison to how Sheppard sounded when he was stuck in the infirmary with Wraith DNA...

Now, if anyone truly highlighted simultaneously both the best and worst aspects of the second season of Atlantis at the same damn time? It's Sheppard... I mean, on the one hand, he had some amazing lines along the way. Hell, I even think his most classic one, deserves a frickin' line in this review by its own goddam self...

... unfortunately for us, The Lost Boys instead ripped off an even worse SciFi movie in Independence Day (without the kickass, dogfight action that ID4 had, that is...)...

I mean seriously, what the fuck was wrong with Ford's plan? Plant some C4 on a Wraith Hive ship, and get the fuck out, I mean?...

If Sheppard had thought it up, it probably would've worked... I mean, they essentially did the same damn thing back with the Genii in season one. And getting in and out of a goddam Hive ship was how Sheppard started the whole series back in Rising, afterall...

Really, Sheppard may have frowned upon the whole Genii guy's plan to overpower the Genii compound. But seriously, since when have we ever seen Sheppard have a different idea than just shoot to kill while attacking the Wraith?...

I liked seeing Rainbow Sun Francks return in The Lost Boys. It was a nice homecoming, for an actor who really didn't deserve to be kicked off the show... I mean sure, if you ask me, the new fro has just got to go. But besides that?... Yeah, it would be nice to have the old Ford around. Something tells me that by not even having any frickin' lines last season, just his presence there allowed McKay and Sheppard to do their comedy thing that I now miss so damn much...

I really enjoyed Ford for the most part this episode. I mean, even if he claimed if it was all just a ploy, for once his routine speeches about his grandparents and hot tamale cousin, actually had a bit of oomph and deeper meaning to them... And even if the flashbacks were kind of forced on us at the start of the episode, it was cool to see how Ford did survive being culled by the Wraith, and how he even started his own goddam foobar Atlantis team...

I thought the actor did an amazing job once again, of showing just how schizophrenic he really is. I mean, the character actually believed that drugging the team against their wishes would be for the better. And the actor really made us believe that he believed it as well...

... it's just that, notice that I used the term "once again" in that last little statement of mine?... as I'm started to even believe myself, that maybe it ain't just the writers' fault for the fact that I keep thinking, "been there, done that", throughout this entire second goddam season of Atlantis...

I loved how fucked up Ford's mind was in Runner. I loved how he was basically acting like a little kid, seeking approval for everything he did, without ever realizing that his goddam thirst for approval was making him go goddam batshit insane towards everyone else in the end...

The problem was, nothing was really added to the formula in The Lost Boys. Sans the small speech about his family on earth, I mean... Once again, he was the same ol' Ford we got in The Siege (Part 3) and Runner. He's still mindfucked by the drug, still looking for a pat on the back from his friends, still looking goddam confused as hell from trying to understand the season finale of Lost, and still too goddam fucked up in the brain to realize when he's being a complete lunatic of an asshole...

The same trend seems to be starting for Sheppard as well. Once again, he was the pessimist, simply complaining that there was no way to pull off this raid of a plan, even if he's done it twice before in the goddam past... Where's Mr. Positive these days? I miss all the old skool jokes he used to make. There was a time when him and Rodney would be pulling those "R2" lines out of their collective asses, dozens of times in each and every goddam episode...

Because in SciFi these days? It's not about coming up with fresh and new ideas anymore, since Trek and even SG-1 has pretty much done it all...

Still, The Lost Boys (despite all my negativity) was definitely a solid episode...

We got some kickass choreography from Teyla and Ronan. We got some decent slapstick comments from McKay. We got a more than welcomed return from Ford. And we got ourselves a nail biting cliffhanger, as I really did find myself on the edge of my seat when Col. Sheppard found himself interrogated, by what I suppose is the Queen of the Hive ship (though SciFi experience suggests, that the supervillain will just MWAHAHA and let Sheppard live for some goddam moronic reason in the end...)...

But I dunno... overall, the formula for this episode has been done before in both SG-1 and Atlantis so many times...

... and there just wasn't any real team dynamic or banter, to really separate The Lost Boys from all the rest...

... as if Stargate Atlantis has just lost that kind of intangible charm, that made it the best damn show on television last year...

And now I have to wait until bloody hell November or January or whatever, to be given the chance to be proven goddam wrong...

... PS - Notice I forgot to mention anything about Dr. Weir?... yeah, umm... I didn't forget...

... my momma always used to say, if you've got nothing nice to say?... then get stuffed...

If there's one thing that I should be thankful for, it's that I have a cousin in Canada with a first name of "Bit", and a middle name that rhymes with "torrent"... No, seriously. I'm a Canadian, and yes I do have a cousin who gets the early feeds of Stargate Atlantis off of TMN (although he's not exactly the 'cousin' that I get my own copies from... ahem...)...

And if there's one thing to truly be grateful for? It's not only that there wasn't any shit Smallville episode to write about this week... but that Stargate Atlantis finally returned to Canadian television airwaves, with the long awaited hour of The Hive...

The thing was, the episode started out with so much promise. The atmosphere was great, as it combined the best elements of suspense with comedy, the two major factors that lead Stargate Atlantis' first season into being such a damn success... The interior of the Hive ship was just as creepy and surreal as it was in the series pilot. But of course, comic relief is always welcome, as I literally laughed out loud of both Ronan's fetish for knives in his hair, and Sheppard's fear of "sending in" the clowns...

Hell, one of the greatest things to be thankful for from The Hive, was that it finally had the old McKay back that we all knew and loved. He truly took one for the team, sacrificing his lucidity to truly kick some ass and take some names... While I admit that his schizophrenia at the Stargate DHD was a little too incoherent for my tastes, who here didn't laugh at how insane he was acting while talking with Weir? And who here didn't at least crack a smile at just how girlish McKay fights, even when he's suped up on Wraith enzymes?... While Rodney didn't exactly do much in the episode after his drug rehabilitation, I still have to admit that he did an excellent job all around. This was probably the actor's best performance since at least Duet, as he really did look like he was in anguish as he was languishing in sickbay without the enzyme...

The thing is, while the first 45 minutes of Stargate Atlantis were great, almost perfectly emulating the chemistry and mold that the series had back in its first season, why the fuck did the writers have to go completely dumbass and cliche in the final fifteen?...

Fuck, it was like I was watching a goddam episode of Smallville or something, or some shit like that...

How the fuck did Ford manage to escape from the Wraith to save the day? Even when Sheppard asked the same damn question, no explanation was given, simply because there wasn't a single goddam plausible explanation in the end... And how the fuck could the Wraith be this damn dumb? I understand why vampires in Buffy (and Smallville... uggh) could be this damn clueless, considering they were often played by actresses from Clueless. But these are space vampires we're talking about here, space vampires that fucking took out the goddam Ancients...

And apparently, the Queens are so damn dumb that they would blow each other up, just from one measly dart nipping at their heels? Didn't anyone else think it was just a bit too damn convenient, that the destruction of one Hive ship manages to destroy not only the other damn Hive ship, but every fucking dart around as well? WTF?... If anything, the battle between the two Hive ships should've given the Daedalus the chance to sneak in there (just fucking use the hyperdrive for once to get fucking close, goddammit...), and fucking pop the both of those Wraith ships from behind with nukes right up their asses...

But apparently, Caldwell was too damn dumb for even that. I mean seriously, besides gripe, moan, state the obvious, and spout out Lana Lang lines, what the fuck did he even do?...

Well, despite how I feel about the shitastic space battle and ending to the episode, at least I can still be thankful that every member of the cast managed to do something decent in The Hive... and yes, that finally includes Aiden Ford for once...

I still hate how the guy just conveniently got back some more Wraith enzyme to save the day. But for the most part, I liked the partial return of some of the old Fordisms we loved and ignored last season... When the drug was breaking down in his system, he started acting more like the character we knew a year ago. Even if he didn't have many lines there (some things never change...), it was still great to experience some of his former mannerisms returning just once more... It was cliche for him to stay behind to slow down the Wraith at the end. But some of his earlier moments, like sticking a knife where it don't belong, definitely gave the character a much fresher appeal than he did in the first half of the two parter...

Ronan didn't do much, except squeal like a little girl in pain when it came to the enzyme, or lack thereof. But like I mentioned earlier, I did snicker at his whole knife routine, and I definitely do want one of those goddam stun guns that he just magically seems to have... The other half of the comedic duo was Rodney, as I stated earlier as well. There was none of his incessant whining, but rather some brilliant moments of being a "brilliant scientist backed into a corner". He fought like a girl, but had a heart of gold. And he was probably the only one on the Daedalus at the end, who didn't act as if they were staring at a goddam blue screen of death...

Dr. Weir was useless. She was such a bitch. Seriously, she didn't seem to show any real concern for Rodney when he was doped up on drugs, she seemed more constipated than caring about Sheppard and his lost team, and she even seemed to fucking flirt with Beckett by McKay's bedside. WTF?... And at the end? Not only did the Col's IDC code get registered before the fucking gate opened up (again), but that epic-wannabe music floating around Weir's head in the background just seemed so damn lame with that whole cliche, "we're all safe and sound after you thought we were dead" routine. Seriously, it seems that even without a small Smallville week in review, I still get my fucking Lana Lang moments to fucking bash my head about...

Teyla didn't do anything special, but at least she had her moments. She did care about Aiden like she always had, yet showed concern for Ronan as well as she has all season long... While I'd prefer to just call her a slut and leave it at that, she didn't really act as one here. She seemed to just naturally flow along with the episode, as the use of her Wraith mental abilities didn't seem forced or really contrived for once... It's just too bad she didn't get to use her stick fighting or anything. Otherwise, I wouldn't have minded to show her my own stick abilities as well (well, if she was with Sora again, at least)...

... well actually, if there's one thing to definitely be thankful for in The Hive? It was that Neera was hot... so fucking hot...

Ah, yes. Lt. Col. John Sheppard once again got to play the Captain Kirk of the series, and fucking had a fucking hot bitch on his shoulder to warm, console, and eventually cry about. I don't care if she was a Wraith worshipper or not, because she was just so fucking hot with the hair and the lighting in those scenes... I pray to God that she managed to survive at the end. Otherwise, the only thing that will keep me going during the cold winter nights, is the thought of the sexy lesbian lust of desire I saw in her eyes when the Wraith queen softly caressed her cheek... Dammit, where's Sora, Nerdy Carter and a stick when you need them?...

Sheppard definitely did a good comedic job in The Hive. As great as Ronan and McKay's moments were, John still managed to steal the show... His clown routine was poorly written, but the actor just delivered his lines with such earnest honesty, that I couldn't help but laugh. And he was probably the only decently intelligent character in the goddam episode, not only turning the Hive ships against one another, but figuring out the shit about Neera just as quickly as I did... Hell, I even liked his scenes with Ford. They showed some of the old camaraderie that they used to have, and he almost even made me forget about Ford's cliche "saving the day" shit when push came to shove...

If only we had gotten more R2D2 references in the goddam Wraith Dart (and if only we had gotten an explanation of how Sheppard learned to read the Wraith computers), and if only the last 15 minutes of the show didn't suck so damn hard?...

I kinda feel bad for Joe Flannigan, for having his name even associated with Epiphany. Every reader on the internet pretty much knows by this point that Joe was the one who pitched the idea for the episode... Problem was, just like with what happened to Michael Shanks' script back in SG-1's season seven, the writers absolutely butchered Flannigan's ideal with their bullshit, buddhist elitist ways. And while Epiphany definitely did have its fair share of moments, the fact of the matter is that there really wasn't any damn content to care about here whatsoever...

Sheppard was one of the few reasons to watch the episode, but only because of the few remote jokes he had laying around there. His comments about "MALP on a stick" and Wilson the Volleyball were spot on, and definitely provided the best laughs of the entire hour... Joe Flannigan also made the most of his role, trying to salvage whatever he could from his own storyline idea. I loved seeing his hick mannerisms as Farmer John in the corn fields, and he sure as hell did look earnest as he 'complained' about Teera seeing him naked on the bed...

Problem was, not even all the greatest Flanniganisms in the world could save this episode from its own bile and phlegm. Not only was the actual storyline nearly a pure rip-off of SG-1's A Hundred Days (another episode that bored me to tears long ago), but that Epiphany never really achieved anything of real substance when it came to its own name... What I mean is, sure the villagers got their epiphanies, but what about Sheppard? Did he really learn anything at all? He seemed unmoved and unchanged by the end of the episode, and we didn't even get to learn one damn thing about his own background. We could sense he had some abandonment issues, but not once did the writers ever acknowledge what Flannigan was trying to write and emote through his goddam actions...

And once again, it hit me like an epiphany. Because once again, the writers leave a goddam episode with no decent ending whatsoever... I mean seriously, the Predator-beast just plays ring-around-the-posey and then dies? WTF?... Seriously, I'm with Sheppard on this one...

If I were Sheppard, I would've bitched slapped that Teera bitch back down to earth for putting me through all that crap. I mean, sure I loved the line, "what's with you and ascended women?", but this girl was just too much of a goddam psychic bitch... And then where the fuck was the happy ending I was expecting? Instead of actually hugging Weir like he did in The Siege, or having kind words to say to McKay, Sheppard just acted as if he was pissed off after seeing the gang again for the first time in six months. What the fuck kind of lame ass ending was that?...

Well, if there was any other reason to watch Epiphany, it was because of McKay. At times, he may have been too abrasive (his Beckett scenes seemed a little forced, for instance), but he sure as hell did have a lot of great lines... I already mentioned the MALP on a stick and ascended women cracks. But I don't know, he just seemed to have this great animosity thing with Ronan (as if he were an animal), and I loved it every time he tried to explain a time dilation field to the morons back at the Atlantis base...

Teyla didn't do much, except look confused and get her ass kicked by the beast. Ronan didn't have a purpose either, although at least his sword swinging ways were a decent diversion to the obvious Predator copyright infringement... While neither character had anything decent to say, their roles didn't really seem out of place or forced. They served their purpose - Teyla didn't understand time physics, so Rodney got to explain it to the audience through her. And Ronan was too dumbass to understand everything else, so the audience got to get the rest of their technobabble explanations through him... As for Dr. Beckett (who I forgot to mention in my last review), he wasn't bad or anything. He even got to remind us of Lt. Cadman, with a decent joke from McKay to follow. Of course, besides whining, Carson unfortunately didn't contribute much...

Dr. Weir though? It was weird, actually. In an episode that I hated, I actually could tolerate the bitch for once?... Maybe it was because Col. Caldwell wasn't there to try to sex Weir up or anything, or maybe it was because Teera took the bitch throne away from her this week? Or maybe it was just because Weir was so damn happy to go off-base and play the Dr. Jackson of the team or something?... either way, she actually didn't seem that damn moody for once (which may have been bad writing, ironically... considering Sheppard was lost yet again, and she didn't look like she cared a damn...)...

It's just that, despite some decent acting performances from Joe Flannigan and David Hewlett? The episode just lead nowhere and taught us nothing in the end... I mean, anybody who's watched SG-1 and the Asgard knew all about time dilation devices already. And we've seen all this ascension shit before, where a light bulb just switches on in some random person's head, and they spout rhetorical buddhist bullshit just before effortlessly ascending before our very eyes. WTF?... We learned nothing new about the Ancients. We learned nothing new about technology or the history of the Pegasus Galaxy. And we learned absolutely nothing new about John Sheppard over six damn months of solitude, or a hundred days of sex or whatsoever...

I mean, was it not Steven Spielberg who once said that the most important moments of a movie, are the five minutes after the film is done?...

Hell, why can't the series just learn from its own goddam examples last season?...

"This was a critical turning point in the history of the IvanFian episode of the week awards...

... because thank the gods en masse, that Smallville ain't gonna be winning it this week...

I've been whining and complaining and bitching for a decent Stargate Atlantis episode ever since Duet. Because seriously, besides ironically the first three episodes of the season (The Siege, Intruder, and Runner), there has been nothing but absolute shit this second season of Atlantis so far...

There have been a lot of complaints on the net, that this episode felt squished and rushed or some shit like that. But I personally couldn't help but marvel at just how perfect the pacing was for the intended mood of suspense, as Critical Mass really was just as good as some of the best first season episodes of the show...

Seriously, something that has been missing en masse from Stargate Atlantis has been the sense of comic relief and humour that we always used to get from McKay and Sheppard. And while nothing will ever quite top their MENSA test debacle, Sheppard's stubbornness with his "dam" metaphor definitely had me goddam laughing, just as much as McKay was annoyed...

It wasn't just these core two actors who got the comedic ball rolling. Surprisingly, I found myself balling out in laughter at Dr. Lee falling flat on his face when it came to his 101 Dalmatians metaphor, yet every nerd in the room just instantly got the Lord of the Rings reference (with the whole team bursting out in fanboy conversations afterwards, might I add)... I never thought I'd see the day that I'd end up rolling in floor in laughter at a fucking Lord of the Rings moment. But the geek infatuation in that room with the movie trilogy was just so damn infectious, that how the hell could I myself possibly contain the torch I bare within?...

This year on Atlantis, some episodes have had decent comedy, and some episodes have had decent action. But since Runner (or perhaps Duet), no damn single episode this season has managed to merge those two key elements together. Or at least, not the way the series did back in its inaugural year... Thankfully, there were literally tons of ridiculously hilarious moments in Critical Mass, as the episode even finished off with a wonderful reminder of Zelenka's time with the children. But the key to remember here, is that Critical Mass had one hell of a storyline in itself...

A bomb had been placed in Atlantis by a member of the Goa'uld'ed Trust. And the thing is, before Critical Mass? I never would've thought a SG-1 crossover episode would have ever been done decently, let alone one with the sucky ass Trust... But the episode somehow managed to blend together the absolute best aspects of both of the two series. From Dr. Lee's Lord of the Rings rants, to Agent Barrett giving an obvious reference to his obsession with Carter, to even Sheppard's explanation to Ronan of what a Goa'uld is, I actually really did enjoy the fact that finally Atlantis didn't feel completely segregated from its big brother of a television series...

Though lucky enough for the episode, almost every single cast member of the Atlantis expedition brought forth excellence and true suspense in almost every single line they delivered...

Critical Mass was by no means a Sheppard-centric episode. But even in his diminished role, he still stood out thanks to his amazing chemistry with both McKay and Dr. Weir... I've already mentioned his whole river dam argument, which was perhaps the best moment of true comic relief of the entire damn season to date. But there were just so many other times, when he got under McKay's skin for how Cadman got under his skin, that it just made the whole damn episode enjoyable when it came to their banter...

Now, I wish there had been more moments at times between Weir and Sheppard, since those are the only times that Elizabeth ever turns out bearable to watch. But even with their limited screen time together, they really did seem like they cared for one another for the first time since The Siege... Weir was finally the damsel in distress for once, being the one in charge of both torture and interrogations, instead of John always being the one needing the fucking save (Epiphany, for example). And the chemistry works just so much better this way, as Joe Flannigan can show just so much more emotion through his eyes and inflections than that fucking Eliza-bitch ever could...

"Here we are, gloating about in-fighting amongst the Wraith. Are we really any better?"

... ah, yes... but even she did a decent job when it came to interrogating Kavanaugh, and the return of the lovely Novak hiccup routine (I admit, I did seem to laugh on cue with her annoying hiccups this time somehow... I am the no-name nostalgic, afterall)...

Now, I admit that I wasn't a huge fan of the Teyla B-plot. But for once, there actually seemed to be meaning behind a mainland, Athosian story... Teyla just lost her surrogate grandmother. And while it was weird seeing her all angsty and moody instead of being her normal warrior self during the bomb crisis, I kind of liked the one-time change in her image. She had wonderful chemistry with Beckett when it came to her grandmother's dying wishes (to die, really...). And no matter how cheesy the soup scene may have been? I still snickered at it, if only because I feel at times like I've been in the same damn situation...

Of course, then there was the whole song she sang... Rachel Luttrell has an absolutely wonderful singing voice. And if you listened closely enough, you could hear a bit of Teyla in there as well... Problem was, the song itself sucked. Who wrote that piece of BSG-ripped-off shit anyhew? The lyrics were all in plain ol' English instead of goddam Ancient Latin, with a huge fucking choir just magically behind her somehow. And the dubbing of her voice was just absolutely atrocious, as not once did the song actually sound like it synched with her lips...

However, once you get past the god-awful thought that a song like this would be sung at a goddam funeral, you then realize that it worked perfectly as the epic background music for what was truly one of the best finishes to a Stargate Atlantis episode yet... Her singing came on cue at almost the most absolute perfect moments to up the intensity of the montage scenes, and I just loved the background riffs when it came to the money shot of the two Wraith Cruisers soaring by. But I'll get into that a bit later on, really...

Now, when it came to McKay, I was a bit disappointed that he didn't seem nearly as intelligent here as he normally does in the series. He did manage to decipher the whole plan of the Trust and the Goa'uld when it came to the ZPM failsafes, but he looked like a goddam dunce when Cadman ended up being the one who figured the whole goddam thing out in the end... Still, what I got from McKay is exactly the kind of Rodney I've been demanding all season long. He had amazing banter with Sheppard, he had his weird ass rivalry with Ronan in the meantime, he seemed jealous of Dr. Beckett as usual, and he was ever suspicious of the ever sexy Lieutenant Cadman on the base...

The thing is, why the fuck was Lt. Cadman in the episode in the first place? Since when could this fucking lieutenant, who showed nothing but her girl power shit prowess while inside of McKay's head, suddenly not only turn out to be one of the best bomb experts in the goddam world, but also seemingly a master of Ancient computer systems as well?... She stuck out as a sore thumb, almost matching McKay when it came to hacking through the Atlantis Operating Systems. I mean seriously, who the fuck was she trying to be? Colonel Carter lite?...

I thought it was obvious that she would turn out to be the Goa'uld, considering not only was she given complete access to the Atlantis computers for the bomb threat, but also was always at a goddam terminal right before something bad happened to the city (and Rodney, for that matter)... In the end though, she was innocent. She really was just this extra body there, taking up space and wasting away McKay's intelligence. And for who? For what?... All she really did all episode long, was just sit there and pout in her goddam tight T-shirt, with her golden hair flocking about her irresistible neck and sultry shoulders... and, umm...

I especially adored that one moment she had with just Dr. Weir in the camera shot... with Cadman and her quivering lips, looking all concerned, worried, and ever hot and bothered as she was staring with intent at Elizabeth in charge... oh, fucking yes...

And the thing is, finally the Stargate Atlantis writers brought back the great endings to episodes. You know, the kind that they used to manage to always pull out of their asses a season ago... Because I will personally admit that thanks to the pacing and sheer intensity of this episode, I had forgotten the golden rule of "whodunnit" shows, that it's always the person you least expect that ends up being the villain of the story...

Maybe it's just because I was just as confused at Caldwell beaming down, as he pretended to be at Weir's accusations? But I can just somehow watch that one scene of this episode over and over and fucking over again, without ever getting fucking bored... although obviously, it helps that the Goa'uld (after boasting about his superiority, no less) fucking got his ass kicked and name taken, without even putting up a goddam fight... I laughed my ass off at his pathetic misfortune, really...

Ronan was absolutely useless for the whole of the episode, right up until the masterful fight scene in the end. But just watching him kick that chair away as if he was a chair-kicking badass, all was fucking forgiven... He tossed Caldwell to the wall, punched him in the fucking face, and threw his sorry ass over a table to the ground. And the look on goddam Caldwell's face was simply priceless... And in the meantime? Did anyone else notice Sheppard cracking a smile as he held the Colonel at gunpoint? Something tells me he was enjoying the beatdown just a bit too much... and so was I, I'm afraid...

I just fucking love that scene. Skinner got owned, writhing in pain from a taser not once but twice, and Ronan kicked the ass out of that chair... Oh fucking yes... The sound effects simply kicked ass in that scene. That chair was fucking dominated!... And the background music thanks to Teyla was pretty damn effective as well...

While Critical Mass won't top The Siege (Part 3) as the absolute best episode of the second season so far, it's already by far beaten Runner for the runner-up spot of the year... Hell, I haven't even mentioned a lot of the great scenes of the episode so far. I mean, from Kavanaugh fainting before his torture could even start, to Hermiod laying the smackdown by telling the said doctor to shut the fuck up, is there really anything about Critical Mass not to like?...

With shots of Cadman in a fucking tight T-shirt all episode long, a fucking brilliant money shot of Caldwell with two fucking taser tongs lodged in his nipples, and Rachel Luttrell proving to us all that she really can damn sing, this episode was simply destined for being money in the bank for the second damn season, plain and simple...

Critical Mass didn't just pull off a guaranteed victory, as the best damn IvanFian episode of the week...

... but it may also prove to be critical, as the turning point of this entire goddam season of mediocrity so far...

And because of that? It's time to spread the message to the masses, far and wide...

"After a shitty ass season like Stargate Atlantis has been having this year? The writers must've sure been under a hell of a lot of pressure...

The thing is though, while Grace Under Pressure was not nearly as amazing of an episode as Critical Mass was last week? It was still a very solid outing, that reminded me of exactly why I loved the writing on the show back during the first season...

First things first, let's face facts. If you aren't a fan of David Hewlett and Rodney McKay, then you ain't gonna like this episode...

Pretty much every single other character on the show was ignored for the Sam and Rodney show. Ronan and Teyla were completely missing in action, Beckett had less screen time than he did as some other doctor back on SG-1, Landry still managed to suck balls without even being on the show... And Dr. Weir? Oh, don't get me started on Dr. Weir... WTF was wrong with her? Even with Rodney trapped 2000 ft below the ocean, Torri Higginson still acted more like she was fucking flirting with Sheppard than she ever did seem concerned with McKay? WTF?...

Zelenka was decent, I suppose. He did have that one noble scene of his, where he was reluctant at first to go in a Puddle Jumper to save McKay, yet mustered up the courage a second later so that he wouldn't have to be ordered to go... It's just that, the actor just didn't seem like he was really into his role. He seemed more fascinated by his little computer diagrams of the ocean and how deep the Puddle Jumper could sink, than he ever did about McKay and the cracking cockpit windshield up front...

Sheppard was both on and off when it came to caring about his team member. On the one hand, he seemed like he was fucking flirting back with Dr. Weir, when it came to just how damn excited he was about the damn jumper cables he was attaching to the Puddle Jumper (which he didn't even get to use... he sounded so rejected about that...)... Then again, there were a few fleeting moments where he did actually seem to show some adequate emotion. He jumped on Zelenka for not having the guts to fix his mistake and try to save McKay, and he definitely did seem like the ol' Sheppard that we knew from season one when he called Rodney as "buddy" over the comm...

These moments were quite far and between, however... probably because Joe Flannigan was pissed off that this was the episode that Epiphany should've fucking been... Where were the fucking writers back then?...

And WTF? Puddle Jumpers have shields? WTF?!?... And they're just learning this now, after losing how many damn PJ's to Voyager-like shuttle experiences? WTF?...

Anyhew, David Hewlett absolutely stole the show, especially considering this was essentially his own damn show... and kinda mine as well, considering how damn close the episode got to describing the very fabric of my own existence...

You know all those scenes of Rodney talking to himself, calling himself an "idiot"? That fucking reminds me of every single time I do something dunce when it comes to computer programming (although I usually do use words a lot more harsh than 'idiot', even in my fucking office place... much to the confusion of my fellow workers, might I add...)...

I fucking talk to myself all the fucking time like a constantly concussed man. I mean, why the fuck else would I continuously update a nonane site that nobody ever reads?... Seriously, you know what's sad? You know that ridiculously bad scene, of McKay laughing at his own horrible joke of making a "deal"? Sadly, I fucking not only laugh at my own jokes, even ones about fucking deals with inanimate objects (ironically enough)... yet somehow unlike him? I don't seem to need a lack of CO2 to fucking do so...

You know that whole bit about the whale thing, brushing by the adrift Puddle Jumper, and McKay treating it like Lassie as it was humping on by? Hell, I say the exact same things as he did there, to fucking dogs and cats that won't fucking leave me alone. Hell, I fucking even swore at a fucking fly that wouldn't leave me alone in the house today...

And when it came to pretty much every single description that Carter had for McKay? That he was "petty, arrogant, and bad with people"?...

Well, I think that goes without saying for me, really... you might as well just call this episode, "IvanF Under Pressure"...

... although the writers certainly do seem like they've fallen in love with this whole "Grace" in the title thing...

Just judging by the title, and from the episode synopsis of being adrift with a concussion of a hallucination to keep McKay all warm and cozy, it'd be pretty much anyone's first instinct to consider Grace Under Pressure as a sequel to SG-1's own "Grace". And judging by the fact that the whole episode pretty much takes place in the back of a Puddle Jumper? I guess you can make a hell of a lot of comparisons to Atlantis' own Thirty-Eight Minutes as well...

But you know what the first thing that came to mind was after watching this episode? Star Trek: Enterprise's Shuttlepod One, really... A lot of Star Trek action fans really hated that episode, but I certainly loved it. And why?... Because it did exactly what I wanted from the writers of Sci-Fi. Just put two great actors in the same room for forty fucking minutes of the show, and let the witty banter and fucking charm exchange and play between the best of the both of them...

Shuttlepod One was great because of that. And while Grace Under Pressure may never be raised up to those same standards? It definitely does hold its own, pretty much all thanks to one man... Rodney was truly the man in Grace Under Pressure. David did it all as an actor, as not only did he have me in deafening silence when it came to his regrets about Griffin, but he also had me absolutely balling in laughter every single fucking time that he wished for Carter to be fucking naked before him...

Ironically enough, Grace Under Pressure wasn't just Rodney's best episode of the season. It was also Amanda Tapping's, and she isn't even meant to be on the goddam Atlantis show... Now, I didn't particularly enjoy the topless bra scene, considering a) Amanda (though I hate to say this) still has a lot of baby fat, and b) it wasn't Sora there fucking naked. But hot damn, I just loved every single fucking exchange she and McKay had about the whole worthless hallucinations thing... Even after all those times McKay whined about the lack of provocative dress codes, I still fucking rolled in laughter when he glanced out from the corner of his eye, just to check whether Carter was suddenly naked or not. I mean seriously, WTF is the point of hallucinating a hot girl, if all you get is a fucking tease in the end? WTF?...

... well, McKay actually used the word, "Siren"... but we all knew what he meant...

Afterall, first came "Grace" appearing before Carter, and now we have Carter showing up before McKay in Grace Under Pressure...

So what's next?... We better get Grace fucking Park, taking off her bra and panties for Sora and goddam Cadman on Atlantis...

But really, I can't honestly believe just how amazing of a job Amanda Tapping did this episode. Last year, she had already shown her versatility by providing completely different personality traits for both RepliCarter and Librarian Carter. And yet here, wearing pink no less, she proved once again that she definitely has a gift at acting... Carter was definitely much more feminine in Grace Under Pressure than she ever was in SG-1. She showed true sensitivity to McKay, and really made me believe that Rodney's subconscious was silently cheering his team members and friends for the save... Why can't the writers ever do the goddam same for Teyla or Weir? WTF?...

It wasn't just the romantic "romping" exchanges that I loved between her and Rodney. All the onslaughts of pettiness and arrogance were definitely the most welcome thing as well, at least since the writers fucked with the McKay formula in Trinity... I laughed so hard when he went back to his old ways of calling Carter as "blondie". And yet, I was quite touched by not just his admissions about Griffin's bravery, but also by how he truly does believe Carter is a lot wiser in the end than he is...

McKay played the role of a man who had accepted his fate to near, Shakespearean perfection. And while that may seem like quite a far-fetched compliment at first, just watch the expressions he has on his face when he's blaming Zelenka for his memorial service, and suddenly you see why the actor was given this whole damn episode for himself...

And when it comes to this episode? When it comes to David Hewlett and Rodney McKay, I definitely do agree...

I don't know if Grace Under Pressure was the best of Stargate. But it definitely did feel like the best of Star Trek... I mean seriously, it wasn't just the Shuttlepod One feeling I got. Did anyone else here think of the giant Atlantis whale as one of those Humpback fuckers from Star Trek IV?... Did anyone else think that that thing was the fucking Flipper or whatever sort of crap of the fucking Atlantis seas? Or hell, maybe even an ascended being in disguise?...

Hell, was Carter the fucking whale (and no, this was not meant as a joke about her baby fat... umm, nevermind...)?...

Well... Grace Under Pressure definitely left a lot of questions open to debate... but at least one thing's as clear as the ocean skies...

Sure, it wasn't the greatest of episodes. But thanks to David Hewlett, Amanda Tapping, and the absolute best script of the season, there was a real flow and pace and grace to this episode that was simply intangible, undeniable, vulnerable, and wonderfully stark naked... And I'm sure that this episode will remain one of the most solid hours of entertainment, in my humble opinion at least, from all of television thus far this year...

Kudos to the writers then, despite all my earlier criticisms this season... for showing real grace under pressure for once...

Because not only did I tolerate LOTR: The Two Towers on television the other day?...

... but I kinda didn't mind Stargate Atlantis' The Tower episode this week either...

The thing is, I'm guessing that if this episode had aired anytime within the first half of Atlantis' second season, I would've called it a flat out joke. I mean seriously, after watching the episode, the first bloody hell thing that came to my mind was... WTF? Half of the actors were wearing 15th century Halloween costumes, and the other half were wearing Nazi uniforms? WTF?...

But to be honest? I still kind of enjoyed this episode, the same kind of way that I somehow enjoyed Childhood's End and Sanctuary last season. Childhood's End had some brilliant comedy from McKay, Sanctuary had a fucking hot bitch to fawn over (and more McKay hijinx to boot)... And while The Tower didn't really have the same kind of comedic touch as I was hoping for? It still had that corny, campy feel to it that somehow makes the no-name, Star Trek, holiday nostalgic in me to forgive this filler of a throwaway episode...

Actually, Mara or whatever her name was, wasn't really that hot. Until she went fucking naked that is, and God was her backside ever shaved and fucking sexy smooth... Her face though? While it was above SG-1's standards, it just wasn't up to the Maxim stuff that I've come to expect from Atlantis... I mean really, Mara was just a pure blonde, bubblehead in this episode. If they wanted to go the 15th century bimbo route, why not just get Maria from the WWE? Now there's a fucking bitch I'd give this episode four fucking stars and three thumbs up for... and you can guess what the third thumb may be...

This was another one of those filler, Kirk episodes for Lt. Col. John Sheppard. The thing is, I still tend to enjoy the episodes where Joe Flannigan just sort of slapstick mulls his way through the wacky sort of adventures he always ends up coming across... He technically didn't say much this episode, considering his MO inside of the Ancient Tower was basically to pretend like he didn't know what the heck was going on with that chair. Yet his reactions to Mara ("Wow. I never see this coming.") and his Hamlet kind of duel at the end, were exactly the kind of zany, WTF shit that somehow keeps a virgin miracle loser like me entertained...

The Tower was definitely one weird ass episode, combining the sister city of Atlantis with fucking King Lear, or King Richard, or Shakespeare in Love, or whatever sort of crap it was meant to emulate... God, Shakespeare in love fucking sucked...

To be honest, a lot of the aristocrat shit in The Tower was just so damn bad. It was just so predictable (predictably so?), from the cliche advisor of a Jafar wannabe with the bald head, to the fact that practically no actors on the set even tried faking a fucking snobbish accent. And hell, don't even get me started on just how damn annoying the King's son was, and definitely not in a love-to-hate way... Not that I can blame the writers, considering their source material. Afterall, I dare say that Shakespeare doth sucks liketh Spielberg for a bakleth reason...

But I dunno, I just seem to have this weakness, of seeing advanced technology merged together with the campy, wacky shit of our past. I seem to also end up loving an SG-1 episode where the Stargate manages to wow somebody who's never seen it before, and I just loved the effect of all the drone weapons here in The Tower approaching the axe-wielding village from afar (or Jafar... heh... oh, nevermind)...

The ending of the episode was completely predictable, as the only real reason The Tower was even written in the first place was to avoid the Voyager-syndrome of losing unlimited amounts of Puddle Jumpers and drones. But that still doesn't change the fact that I loved all the candles and decorations around the set of Atlantis, and that doesn't change the fact that it was finally fucking nice to see the Ancient chair in action once again...

Teyla and Ronan were sort of just there along for the ride, as they didn't even do anything but stare as the Ancient drones approached to slaughter them both. Hell, I don't even get why Ronan hadn't even heard of the drone weapons before (how many times has he been on a Puddle Jumper and seen the damn glowing Jellyfish already?...), but at least he got a decent fight in near the end... What was Teyla's purpose though? All she did was flirt with Ronan the whole time, and sort of gave him the wife-"oh shit" look when it came to mowing down a soldier with one thrust... Still, somehow I wasn't so annoyed by her in the background. Not when I had Mara's fucking naked backside as a wondrous distraction from Teyla's bad acting, at least...

The comedy in the episode basically came from just Rodney and Beckett. Beckett had a few decent one-liners about house-calls and "wee men", while McKay went into his whole tirade about being stuck in an underground cavern... There wasn't nearly as much comic relief in this episode as I was hoping to get out of these two guys. But hey, as long as I get a few decent jokes in there, like McKay's rant about catacomb superstitions and shit like that, then all is fucking forgiven...

WTF was with that ending? Not only was the whole balcony scene cut two minutes too short (with no real or new feeling of resolution in the end), not only did we learn absolutely nothing (or hear nothing) about the sister city of Atlantis... and not only was Weir just completely uncaring and unfeeling about Sheppard and his team whatsoever?... But she also refused to show us her fucking naked side? WTF is wrong with that bitch? It's fucking Christmas, for Christ's sakes...

I mean seriously, any other week of the year?... any other week of the year, and this episode would've simply been considered goddam shit...

... but bah... it's the Christmas season now... and apparently I'm in a giving mood...

Afterall, with no Star Trek: Enterprise around any longer, or even goddam Smallville?...

"Was it just me, or did this episode feel just about forty minutes too damn long?...

But either way? I still couldn't wait until I could wave goodbye to this goddam episode, as there's only so much of goddam stupidity that I can take in one bloody torch of an hour...

Honestly, what the fuck was wrong with the Atlantis team this episode? Did they all take their stupidity pills that morning or some shit like that?...

You see, The Long Goodbye was intended to be a lovely tribute to such legendary films as Ecks vs Sever and Mrs. and Mrs. Smith...

... problem is, both of those films fucking sucked ass... and to a large extent, The Long Goodbye was just more of the shit-stained same...

Now, Stargate SG-1 has really improved in its ninth season, simply because the writers have been coming up with team-based episodes where the crew actually are one step ahead of the damn audience in thinking... Take Prototype for instance. I personally had thought that Stargate Command had taken every precaution possible in securing their prisoner, yet the Anubis clone just blew right past everything before I even knew what hit me. And then the writers fooled me again by providing a brilliant solution to the episode that I never really did see coming... Solutions that aren't just magical like McKay hacking through a bunch of invisible shit. But rather, endings that make real and logical sense in the context of the standalone episode...

Suffice to say, Stargate Atlantis has not been achieving the same damn thing... and the Long Goodbye was one hell of an example of such Smallville stupidity on the writers' behalf...

Okay, so Dr. Weir accidentally got herself taken over by an alien entity. Sure, that's already become cliche (after both Rodney and Caldwell had other consciousness' fucking with their minds already this season), almost to the point where I actually fucking expect captain fucking Kathryn Janeway to show up in the next odd numbered episode, after being taken over by a bunch of alien spores yet again or some shit like that... But hey, shit happens right? There was no warning label on the fucking black box, so how can I really fault the SGA crew then for being as dumb as Voyager?...

Has nobody ever read fucking Stargate SG-1 reports or some shit like that? Did nobody fucking remember just how convincing the Goa'uld was inside of Caldwell's head just a few episodes ago?... Why, oh why, did even McKay of all people fall for Phoebus' impression of Dr. Weir? Doesn't he fucking remember the fact that even the Goa'uld can perfectly pretend to be the normal people they've possessed?... Why didn't Beckett at least try to confirm that it was Dr. Weir speaking and not the fucking alien entity, by hooking her mind up to an EEG or some shit like that? Why oh why, was the doctor moronic enough to simply fall in love with the fucking Mr. and Mrs. Smith, husband and wife story? WTF?...

And why, oh why, did John Sheppard decide to partake in the whole possession thing? Why the fuck did he voluntarily go headfirst into being possessed, when he knows that he's fucking second in command of Atlantis? Not only would getting infected by the whole mind imprint thing therefore ruin the chain of command in Atlantis, but it also gives fucking Thallan full access to security codes and the Atlantis base specs and all that shit as well... If Phoebus in Dr. Weir had been lying about being peaceful explorers, wouldn't we need John Sheppard and his military expertise to take her out if force is necessary? Yet he willing chooses to give up his own body, just for the chance at a fucking kiss with the goddam bitch? WTF?...

Caldwell wasn't completely dumbass this episode, considering he did have two guards right outside the doors during the whole memory imprint exchange. And considering he had a Goa'uld in him before, he definitely did not trust the words of possessed people... But not only was he still dumbass enough to not lock the doors to the room while Sheppard was getting infected, but fucking Caldwell also completely forgot to put the Atlantis base under security lockdown, letting somebody like fucking Dr. Weir roam about until she found a way to kill off the entire damn base... Shouldn't it be the first ever protocol, to fucking lock every door and fucking lock out Dr. Weir's fucking security codes as soon as she's fucking possessed by an alien consciousness, let alone an evil one? WTF?...

McKay's whole lockdown system doesn't even make fucking sense. We saw in The Siege that two people are required to activate the self destruct, which is indicative of how it is in real life... Well, in real life, it also takes two fucking ranking personnel to put a base under a fucking lockdown. And yet McKay designed a fucking system, where Dr. Weir (who's security codes were not locked out for some damn reason) can simply take over the fucking base with her one fucking code alone? And yet two ranking personnel aren't even allowed to fucking override her commands? WTF?...

And Ronon? WTF was wrong with Ronon? I guess this episode helped to show off just how much trust he has in Sheppard, but didn't he just kick the ass out of the Goa'uld Trust not so long ago? Yet here, he was still willing to believe Thallan's whole acting routine? WTF?... I admit that I did enjoy the scene where the ol' runner was shot, simply because it was about time he figured out just how powerful and painful our own earth weapons can be. But dammit, was it just me, or was the guy just plain clueless this episode? Not only did he fall for Thallan pretending to be Sheppard, but he fucking let Thallan out of his sights and let himself get shot in gut by the fucking bitch of the base in a trap?... Not only that, but he only got shot by one lousy bullet and then lost consciousness? What a fucking wuss. Seriously, WTF?...

... yeah... the entire cast and crew and especially the writers had definitely taken their stupidity pills for this episode... which was a huge disappointment compared to just how high octane and suspenseful Critical Mass was in comparison...

That's not to say I absolutely hated and loathed The Long Goodbye, however... it wasn't a bad popcorn of a filler episode, if you just closed your eyes and shut off your fucking brain, that is...

Joe Flanigan wasn't so bad in this episode. A lot of complaints abound that he acted as Thallan almost identically as he does Sheppard, but wasn't that the point? John is a soldier, and so was Thallan... Obviously, Thallan was a lot more ruthless than Sheppard ever will be. But compared to Phoebus, Thallan was just a soft teddy bear... I loved the scene where Ronon got shot, not just because Thallan taunted the poor bastard as he bled to death, but because Thallan noted that Sheppard was screaming like a bitch in his head. And then Thallan called for medical help, which either shows that he ain't so bad of a guy in the end, or that at least maybe he had some compassion for Sheppard afterall...

Beckett was a complete moron when it came to falling for the whole love triangle shit thing. But hey, at least the actor was pretty damn good when it came to the "dark ages" of no bloody hell lights in the infirmary... He helped make the Ronon operation scene actually seem terse and decently exciting in the end. Almost makes me want to watch ER or House sometime, really... until I remember just how shitty ass those shows are, making even Voyager look like fucking Battlestar Galactica, of course...

McKay was a moron this episode, but he still got his fair share of comedic quips in. He definitely didn't trust Caldwell, but at least he made a few jokes out of it, such as fighting over the chain of command and bitching over access codes... Was it just me though as well, or was McKay the only one who seemed to enjoy watching Sheppard and Dr. Weir kiss like that? I would've done the same, and gone one step further and hoped to be able to watch Dr. Weir get fucking goddam naked in horny passion in the goddam room... but it seems that Caldwell was strangely enough adverse to that...

Caldwell himself actually was at the top of his game in The Long Goodbye, relatively speaking of course. There have only been two previous episodes where he wasn't a complete pining bitch (The Siege and Critical Mass, ironically enough for the latter), and thank the Ori gods that he actually took command and didn't grate on my nerves in this episode... He was dumb for not having enough "space marines" guarding the ZPM control room, and even dumber for not locking the section down in the first place. But meh, at least he was the only one who didn't trust Phoebus in the first place, and that gets some decent props from me at least... relatively speaking of course, considering the Daedalus was conveniently spinning in circles without even a hello in space...

Teyla also had one of her better episodes of the season. Most of the time, she was just standing around while getting shot by Thallan, or looking completely dimwitted as Dr. Weir was jumping off of bridges. But at least she managed to save the day in the end... Some have criticized that Caldwell saved Teyla's ass in the end, as Teyla didn't have to choose between the lives of the expedition or John's. And yes, while I would've preferred if she had thought up a solution of her own (shot Sheppard in a place that she knew Beckett could save him, perhaps?), I did enjoy Rachel Luttrell's acting in that scene... She definitely did look torn as she held the P90. And her solution of giving Sheppard the stunner in the end (Wraith stunner, not a Stone Cold Stunner, unfortunately), while an obvious solution, I guess wasn't so dumbass for the bitch either... better than lip-singing like Ashley fucking Simpson, at least...

Because was it just me?... or was Torri Higginson at her absolutely hottest in this fucking episode?...

... because, ah hell yes... the true Dr. Weir finally shows her true colours, and her true fucking skin in a tight fucking T-shirt... sigh, how I ever want her to stay this way forever so...

Because just like with Lana fucking Lang in Smallville? It's obvious that Torri can't act worth a damn when she's trying to be kind and compassionate. But fucking goddam, did she ever excel as a total bitch with a P90 cocked in her hands... She was absolutely ruthless, and Torri was absolutely fabulously evil with her eyes every time she threatened Thallan's life or hunted him like prey. She was definitely the predator of the two, maddened after a lifetime of war. And I definitely did feel that it was a bloody revelation for the actress, that she was that damn convincing and that damn fucking hot as a fucking streaky, evil horny bitch...

Now, obviously I still thought the Long Goodbye felt way too fucking long for a filler episode. My head was hurting from all the fucking stupidity in the end, as I still can't even get over the fucking fact that Sheppard let himself get taken over by Voyager alien spores or some shit like that...

... pretty please, oh writers?... with their fucking cherries on top?... fuck...

That sure as hell would've fucking skyrocketed The Long Goodbye to the fucking top of my list, to the point where I would never fucking say goodbye to this episode ever again in my heart... But the writers just weren't fucking smart enough for that kind of brilliant script writing, now were they?...

But even so, despite all the stupidity? As least we got a couple of classic scenes in there as well, as Ronon crying like a little bitch was classic, and I suppose the ending scene in the infirmary wasn't so bad either... Even as Dr. Weir, Torri Higginson was still fucking hot in her fucking hospital clothing. Sure, she was a complete bitch, not only caring little for the fact that she almost killed a ton of her own team members while possessed, but also rather by fucking flirting with John about her "strangest feeling" while being completely evil... But meh, at least it was still cute and kinda memorable actually, how she just slumped away in her hospital bed as soon as she was reminded about the whole fucking kiss goodnight...

Now, on the Atlantis season 2 DVD boxset that I know I'll eventually buy, no matter how horrid this season truly sucks? If they just replaced Sheppard in every fucking scene with fucking goddam Lt. Cadman, that all will be simply forgiven in the world...

But until then? I don't think I'll be Orlin damaging my brain anytime soon with just how fucking amateurish and dumbass every single character on set was in this episode...

... as it will be a very long time I'm sure, until I ever willingly say "hello" again to the fucking Long Goodbye..."

"Too bad this episode couldn't have come sooner in the year, when Stargate Atlantis really needed a goddam decent story to save the season...

... "Stargate Atlantis: Episode VI - Return of the Genii", or some shit like that?...

... and, well... Star Wars: Episode VI really did suck, by the way... along with the whole goddam prequel trilogy, might I add...

But I definitely did enjoy Coup D'Etat. Although by following Critical Mass (and to some extent, some of the passable scenes in The Long Goodbye)? This week's episode of Stargate Atlantis did sort of pale in comparison...

... even if the 'old skool' is simply the Atlantis series' first goddam season...

It was about bloody hell time that the writers staged a goddam coup, took back the show from the fucking morons who have ruined it, and actually started developing some goddam decent episodes again... While Coup D'Etat didn't have the budget nor the action to really solidify it as a classic? It did indeed have the same kind of strong team interaction, dynamic, and goddam comical writing to really remind me of just why I fell in love with Stargate Atlantis in the first place one season ago...

I mean, who would've thought? A coup that turns out to be a French fucking fraud, turns out to be a real coup in the end? WTF?...

I do love action in my episodes. But if The Long Goodbye proved anything? It's that there's only so much goddam stupidity and nonsense that I can goddam take... Coup D'Etat really had no classic battle sequences, except for perhaps Rodney McKay talking about "tango" positions while raiding the factory. But completely unlike the previous episode, there was actually some intelligence behind the goddam script for once...

The Atlantis team pretty much took every single goddam precaution that they could against betrayal. They were hesitant to even talk with Ladon at first, in case it was all just a ruse to expose the continued existence of Atlantis... They searched him first with a MALP on another planet, then wouldn't even let Weir shake his hand in the base, just in case. And they even wisely chose to stay as allies with Chief Cowen O'Brien on the Genii homeworld, rather than just become an arms dealer for a ZPM that they knew they could find and take by themselves... or so they had thought...

And while I do admit that it was dumb how absolutely none of the marines stayed outside of the compound as backup while Sheppard and co were gassed? Still, the whole factory raiding sequence was incredibly well done... From flash grenades to well placed stunner hits, to even McKay bragging about almost getting a goddam shot in? I was very much impressed with the way how the whole ambush went down...

... it all seemed pretty damn professional if you ask me... way more than fucking Carter wearing a tight leather jacket for no apparent reason whatsoever in End Game, at least...

Hell, I was even smirking at just how overcautious Sheppard was being with Ladon and the goddam knife. The apple did look just about as threatening as goddam Gwyneth Paltrow, afterall...

If there was any one fucking complaint about the Atlantis team this episode? It was simply that they didn't even try to get the Daedalus en route to the fucking goddam Ladon coup planet in the first place. I can understand it not getting there in time, but not even bothering to try?... I mean, with Asgard beaming technology and alien sensors and fucking Mark IX, multi-gigaton nukes, what the fuck were the Genii supposed to do?...

Dr. Weir did threaten them with war afterall, in her lovely tight and black ensemble...

... and ah, yes... I see that perhaps the bitch has gone over to the dark side of the force, indeed...

Because this was indeed one of those few select episodes, where I actually was not annoyed with Dr. Weir. I don't even really know how this could be possible, but she actually seemed competent and in charge for once... Like I mentioned earlier, she took every precaution possible when it came to Ladon, and even chose her allies and politics wisely in the end. She was learning and attentive when to came to Dr. Beckett's findings, and definitely (to my pleasure) a little gung-ho trigger happy when it came to the whole ZPM-raiding thing...

Now, I may have personally hated The Long Goodbye, simply because it made the entire Atlantis cast look like chimpanzees of chumps. But Torri Higginson was still so great last week as a complete and utter bitch. And her darkening in Coup D'Etat (both figuratively and literally) was definitely a welcome change of pace as well...

Heh... an American in charge, helping an enemy nation with a goddam, bloody hell coup?...

And if there was any point to the ending? I know that Dr. Weir will definitely be experiencing the repercussions to her decisions in seasons to come...

The thing is, I was strangely enough rooting for Laden or Ladon or Jack Layton or whatever the hell his name may be, simply because he was written as a cocky, arrogant, WWE son of bitch of a heel of a villain. I just loved all the one-liners and backhanded quips he had for Sheppard, especially his remark about him being just the "errand boy". And yet he was amazing as a stone cold merciless killer as well, all ready and prepped and and set to sacrifice Sheppard and team for his cause, and barely even flinching when it came to murdering an entire battalion of Genii with a primitive Atomic Bomb...

And to be honest? Strangely enough, yet again, in Coup D'Etat? I found myself actually enjoying the goddam Genii...

Is it simply me, or do the Genii remind anyone else of Earth back in the first and second seasons of Stargate SG-1, before we somehow developed intergalactic battlecruisers and the most powerful bombs in the goddam galaxy? While we're all safe and cozy with our innate knowledge of Atlantis drones and puddle jumpers and shit like that, can we really blame the Genii for acting the way that they are?...

From our current standpoint, they're still a primitive race, experimenting with UHF video transfers and pathetic atomic bombs. But just like the Asgard did with us, we did seem to help them definitely in the latter nuclear category of technology at least. And things don't always go as planned, when "the young do not always do as told"...

Just recall what the nations of earth were like during World War 2... and then suddenly, the Genii nuking their own people doesn't look so bad...

... of course, I'd pay good money to see earth go to war with those Genii motherfuckers any day of the week... but that's besides the point...

The point is, Coup D'Etat was an extremely well written episode on almost all accounts, and was definitely helped by the fact that the villains were both intelligent and multi-dimensional. Afterall, it was great to see Chief Cowen again if only for one last time, even if he was badly outsmarted by his Chief Science Officer or whatever sort of crap... The writers made sure that Ladon knew exactly what both the Genii and the Atlantis team would do all episode long. He was a complete hard-ass with almost no morals whatsoever, and a fucking brain to boot...

... not to mention a fucking hot sister that I would sure as hell love to fucking fuck, all the way to motherfucking nuclear winter hell...

Ah, yes... Didn't she ask, why would Beckett want to save her?... what a blonde dipshit...

Truth be told, I think any guy with fucking eyes would simply state back... ahem...

... hell, I'd plow that bitch to next July... I'd make the fucking sacrifice... nuclear radiation burning her loins, hot and horny or not...

I mean seriously, what the fuck is with the Genii and fucking hot blonde chicks?... not to mention the fact that being all doped up on pain and actual pain-killers, made Ladon's sister seem as fucking seduced and desperately horny as Sora did while wrestling and tussling with Teyla...

There really is no skool like the old skool... in tight school girl uniforms next time of course, preferably...

Teyla was decent this episode. She didn't say much, and she didn't actually fight or contribute anything to the general cause. But she definitely did stand out like a hot Leia bitch in Episode IV with her Oriental-styled up hair. And perhaps she even showed a bit of chemistry and passion for Ronon, whenever he flexed his mammoth arms around some guy's ass of a neck?... just like my motherfucking cousin always used to do to my skinny ass frame (much to my chagrin, of course... touching is not good... bad memories, uggh...)...

Ronon was just Teyla's sidekick in Coup D'Etat, but he definitely had more highlights in this episode than pretty much any other hour this season other than Critical Mass or his introduction in Runner... Wrapping his arm around that bartender guy was a nice touch from the writers, as it was both simultaneously a threat and a welcoming chance for the man to open up his fears. And hell, I even felt bad for Ronon, feeling all left out about not being on the Genii wanted posters and all... And I just loved how damn aggressive Ronon was during the negotiations with the Genii, as it would've been fucking nice to fucking go to war and wiped those fucking Genii from the Jedi galaxy once and for all...

Dr. Beckett has had tons of great moments over the course of the season, but Coup D'Etat may have been his absolute strongest acting-wise. He was as compassionate as the best of doctors when it came to Ladon's hotass sister, and looked just as concerned for Ladon's sake when Chief Cowen O'Brien refused to talk over the radio...

I didn't particularly like how rushed the whole tumour operation was in the end, or how abruptly the sister was saved. And it's not like Beckett really saved the day or anything. But I dunno... There was just something so earnest and so littlefoot and so realistically serious about the man, whether he was doing DNA tests on the dead bodies or begging Ladon to let his sister live, that seemed to fit the darker atmosphere of the episode to sheer medical perfection in the end...

Rodney McKay was used sparingly, and thank God for that. Lately his comedy has been a bit overdone (even if I still enjoyed it), but David Hewlett really got to shine again in Coup D'Etat by simply being the sixth man of comic relief in the background... I laughed so hard at just the little lines he had, like his attempt to con Sheppard into risking his life for the second ZPM (and see Atlantis fly), or his utter cluelessness at how to handle a Wraith stunner while trying to speak in goddam military tongue... The look on Sheppard's face there was damn priceless...

The episode really belonged to John Sheppard though, as he had absolutely some of his most classic lines of the season... With McKay, I loved the way John sarcastically quipped about whether it was the gas or the jail cell tipping him off to the trouble for the team. With Lorne, I loved the stoic banter they exchanged, as I'm sure the Major was loving every minute of his rescue... With Ladon, I loved the blushing reaction on Sheppard's face when the Genii man made nice words about the whole face trauma thing in The Eye. And hell, even with Weir? Sheppard had quite a few moments of his own... With the mention of The Brotherhood, who here didn't laugh out loud at the returning mention of Sheppard's MENSA obsession? And who here didn't love the character contrast in the ending, when Sheppard was spinning the whole coup situation to their favour while Weir was brooding ever so sexily over what she had just done?...

And yes, I did love this episode because of that... because there really is no skool like the old skool...

... where the fucking bitches like Weir cock-teased me with their bloody hell, motherfucking assholeness in the end...

The only thing truly keeping Coup D'Etat from becoming a classic second season episode, is the fact that there was not a single great scene that I can watch time and time again... Then again, I thought the same exact thing about Underground and The Brotherhood from the first season at first as well. And yet I've popped those two into my DVD player this year just as many times as I ever have The Storm or The Eye or even The Siege...

With amazing acting, an intelligent script, and absolutely perfect comic relief from fucking Sheppard and McKay? Coup D'Etat was absolutely a real coup of a steal of a fucking sigh of relief for the goddam writers of the show...

As finally, they proved yet again (along with Critical Mass) that maybe, just maybe?...

... that maybe, Stargate hasn't become as shitty ass in the end as a goddam George Lucas film...

Damn, somebody's been watching too much of their goddam, Canadian Broadcasting Crap television...

Now, the thing is? Michael wasn't exactly as crappy as the CBC may be... But still, it just wasn't the most stellar of episodes in the end. Mainly because it tried too damn hard to be serious, and tried too damn hard to be morally ambiguous...

Every single character felt like a caricature of their former selves, rather just supplying different moral viewpoints on the whole Michael debacle and of what really separates us from the Wraith and shit like that... But hasn't Stargate SG-1 (or fucking Star Trek, for that matter) already explored that same damn shit countless times before? What really separates us from our enemy, I mean?...

What really does separate us from the Wraith? Hmm, well, for one thing?... We don't suck the fucking life out of the souls of the sentient people we torture. And we don't fucking play with our food... but it seems that the Atlantis cast and crew were just a little too damn moronic yet again to remember that little, single trait in hand...

Dr. Weir was a bitch, plain and simple. But sadly enough, we've come to expect that from her... Still, it caught me a bit off guard as to why she was such a complete, stone cold, merciless bitch when it came to Michael. She only saw him as an experiment, never as a person, and not even as a fucking prisoner of war... She never even flinched once when it came to the thought of killing Michael, although it never really came down to that since she seemed so damn satisfied to keep him caged and tortured like a lab rat instead. She had absolutely no compassionate for her victim whatsoever... Sure, the bitch has fallen deeper and deeper into the dark side of the force as the season has worn on. But really, since when was she more animalistic and more goddam opportunistic than either Sheppard or Ronon have ever been before?...

It's Dr. Beckett that I was more surprised with though. I mean, I know he felt all remorseful of what he was putting Michael through all in the name of science. But really, there's a stark contrast when it comes to saving life at any cost possible as a doctor, and perfecting a goddam bioweapon to win a galactic war... Perhaps Beckett's guilt was what did the expedition team in at the end? If he had simply chosen to end the experiment, Michael would've been slain and there would've been no further threat to the city... But Michael sure as hell acted like a human, sounded like a human, looked like a human, and seemed just as innocent as any of us at first. And as the gullible, Scottish sons of bitches we are from Kenmore, we often forget the fact that there's a goddam good reason why we consider the Wraith to be our enemy in the first place...

Sheppard and Ronon were pretty much the only characters with any reasonable sense of precaution. I didn't like how John never once mentioned his own conversion to the Wraith side of the force, but I definitely did appreciate how the both of them at least kept their wits up most of the time...

While McKay in the meantime was absolutely useless, complaining about the goddam blue jello ("Blue Jello, my favourite?" WTF?... And yet, how did all of us Stargate fans already know that he loves blue jello? I honestly don't remember hearing about it before. Amnesia? WTF?...)? Well, at least Sheppard always had his weapon ready at hand... Ronon was one-dimensional as always, but at least he was kicking ass and taking names. He provided perhaps some of the only exciting or enjoyable parts of the episode, stringing poor Michael up high on a wall not only for kicking Teyla's ass, but perhaps for getting too close to her ass for his own comfort I'd assume...

It's just that, even if Ronon never let his guard down, and even if Sheppard was keeping his wits about him, that doesn't change the fact that the Stargate Atlantis team was fucking moronic as Peter Griffin hell to pull off a retrovirus stunt like this in the first place...

I mean seriously, why the fuck do we want to turn the Wraith into humans anyhew? As long as they still have their memories, wouldn't they still want to kick our asses and nuke us to motherfucking hell out of revenge with their hive ships?... And the last time I fucking checked, if we actually had a delivery system for the fucking retrovirus against Hive Ships? Then I'd assume we could rather just fucking nuke the hell out of them instead... Why fucking make them into pansies, when you can just fucking blow them all to hell instead?...

Dr. Weir was stupid as ass for moving Michael to the new Alpha Site, where the DHD was naturally completely free to use without passwords by the gate. Why the fuck didn't she just keep him locked up in the Atlantis cell, zatting or stunning him whenever he needed a retrovirus dose?... Why the fuck did nobody watch Michael in the infirmary for that matter? You'd think that one of the goddam security guards would've stuck by his side to keep an eye on what he was doing, rather than the both of them just conveniently flirting with that hot fucking nursing bitch in the background...

Speaking of bitches, was anyone else here really hoping that Michael would start feeding off of Dr. Heightmeyer instead of just goddam flirting? Was it just me, or did anyone else really want to see Mike grab the fuck out of her breasts and start fucking the life out of them? There's got to be some good reason why the Wraith have a fucking vagina for a hand...

Well, not only was that psychologist bitch really grating on my nerves? But I had also assumed that Heightmeyer would get a sexual high out of that sort of handjob shit, considering how goddam perky her breasts were beneath her tight T-shirts and shit like that... Now, don't get me wrong, I do love staring at the blonde bombshell. The only problem is, just like with Lana Lang on Smallville? She just can't fucking act like she's actually intelligent... She always gives these bitchy slutty looks, like you know she's lying through her fucking blowjob-shitty teeth... And she constantly keeps teasing us with her fucking hot titties, tempting us all to suck the fucking life out of them for hours on straight. It just ain't right...

And of course, leaving Michael in a room with her alone while the guards stood ineptly far outside the door, was perhaps the biggest goddam cocktease of them all. I was channeling Lana fucking Lang through her fucking bitchy eyes, afterall...

And who's bright idea was it to leave fucking Teyla alone with Michael at the Alpha Site? I know that the two had a rapport, but didn't anyone goddam remember that she was taken over by the Wraith in The Gift last season?...

Now I do admit, that if Michael as an episode belonged to any core cast member? It was Teyla's chance to shine... She really did provide a whole wealth of acting, from her compassionate and concern for Michael's predicament, to even her little kickass martial arts moves in the training room...

But did she really have to be that damn dumb? She's with a fucking Wraith, for goodness sake. I know she felt a connection since she was part-Wraith herself, but didn't she ever once consider that maybe he was still a fucking threat?... Sure, maybe Michael at his core was a good person. But didn't Instinct and Conversion prove beyond a shadow of a doubt, that being a good person just can't stop the fucking Wraith instincts in the end? And yet Teyla was still advocating being Michael's "friend" in the end?...

Fucking goddammit, man... Must Trip Tucker always go for the bitchy, coloured alien chick?...

Doesn't he ever learn?... First he loses the Vulcan, then he fucking dies, and now this?...

Teal'c took T'Pol over on SG-1, so I guess it was only fair for Connor Trinneer to take the female clone of Teal'c over on Atlantis...

Why couldn't they just have called this episode "Charles" or "Charlie" or some shit like that in the end? Because really, the return of Charles Tucker the Third was the only decent thing that Michael had going for it...

As always, Connor was brilliant in almost everything he did. He was classic Trip when it came to his early naivete and innocence, and yet poured on the mirror universe version of himself when Michael finally learned the truth of his origins... His character itself was pretty one-dimensional, as it was predictable as hell that a captured Wraith would eventually fall prey to his own instincts and kick the asses of the Atlantis crew. But Trinneer definitely sold the role as best he could, looking betrayed as hell when push came to shove. And he even shoved and kicked some ass pretty damn nicely when it came to his sparring bouts against Teyla and Ronon...

And hell, he must've been one hell of an engineer as well, considering he figured out our fucking laptop computers within a matter of goddam minutes...

The only thing truly missing from his repertoire was the goddam warp engine of the goddam Daedalus... Because where the fuck was the fucking ship? Once again, the Atlantis crew was dumb as hick fuck for not using their intergalactic assets to their fucking advantage. Instead of keeping Mike holed up in fucking space, they let him roam about free on Atlantis just so he could run amok and tell all the other Wraith about the city's apparent lack of demise? WTF?... If they kept him even at Atlantis, couldn't they have just been able to beam him into fucking space if he ever acted up? WTF?...

But you know what? Trip Tucker the Third would've been too fucking smart to ever let that shit happen...

... unless Berman and shitty ass Braga were writing the fucking episode, but I digress...

Because Trip Tucker the Third was once again the absolute best thing of an episode, no matter which show he may be on, and no matter how the writers tried to screw him over... It's a shame then really, that the actor has turned down a reoccurring role in the third season of the show so far. Stargate Atlantis could've just been so much more...

Now sure, Michael on a whole still felt like a goddam bad Star Trek: Enterprise episode in the end, with hollow characters and a bare-minimum storyline that made absolutely no logical sense whatsoever...

But sigh, it still felt like Star Trek: Enterprise in the end... and I am the no-name nostalgic, afterall...

And at the end of the day? So... Teyla was a clone of Teal'c, the episode Michael was just a bad rip-off of last season's The Gift, and now the Atlantis team is right back where they were at the end of the first season, with Wraith Hive ships bearing down their throats?... How is this supposed to be original writing again? And where exactly does this leave us in the fucking series?...

"You'd think that with a title like Inferno? That Stargate Atlantis of all series would feature a fucking hot bitch...

I mean seriously, in almost every single episode of Stargate Atlantis to date? There has been a fucking hot bitch that I couldn't help but adore, no matter how bad fucking second season episodes can get at times...

Noreena or Norina or Doyle or whatever the fuck her name was, was just plain over-the-top, fucking ugly to me...

What kind of dunce of a scientist was she? Seriously, all she did was strut around the place, flirting her eyes and exposing her skin around to the male members of the cast, bobbling like a complete and utter doll of a bitch while she walked... Hell, she couldn't even make sense of the few, rare technobabble script lines that she actually was given in the goddam episode. She wasn't convincing at all as a person who was actually competent at the job. More like she fucking slept her way to the top, really... both as a scientist, and as an actress...

I mean honestly, since when did Stargate Atlantis actually lower itself to the goddam standards of fucking Andromeda?...

... talk about a Tok'ra Barbie here... didn't she already die in goddam Endgame?...

At least the Tok'ra Anise (from the fourth season of SG-1) had an actually plausible reason to be flirting with two fucking men at once. What was Noreena's fucking excuse?... fuck...

Couldn't they at least have gotten an actress in the same vein as Sora or Cadman? The kind of bitch who is fucking irresistibly cute, yet doesn't seem like a complete and utter slut?... I mean seriously, the Atlantis auditions seem to get it right nine out of every ten episodes. So why did they fuck up the one episode that ironically is named "Inferno"?...

If Noreena hadn't been completely repulsive to me, I'm sure Inferno would've been my episode of the week. While the girl was definitely not worth a damn in my eyes to fight for, the banter between John Sheppard and John Schneider and Rodney McKay was simply classic this week. I mean, this here was definitely the kind of comical writing that the series has been sorely lacking since the events of Trinity (which ironically enough, were even mentioned in the episode was a joke)...

Many on the net are absolutely sick to death of Sheppard's 'Kirking' routine. But what other reason would there to be to constantly cast super hot fucking chicks on the show, if Joe Flanigan didn't get to chance to do his best Kirk routine (both on and off the set)?... And he was absolutely classic in Inferno. I loved the way he constantly manipulated McKay, motivating the guy to shut up and put up with the work handed to his ass, by constantly reminding Rodney that he does his best or sexiest work or whatever, under dangerous lighting conditions and honest to God terror...

And you gotta love McKay. Because as soon as Sheppard made the above boast of a claim, what else does Rodney do but shut up, put up, and wink to the mistress that his middle name indeed is "dangerous"?... I mean, sure some Rodney moments definitely felt forced, as hiding under the table during a volcano tremor while Sheppard got to protect the girl definitely did feel a bit out of place. And his whole speech about Yellowstone National Park being a super-volcano on earth, definitely felt a wee bit too Discovery Channel blunt from my point of view as well...

But how the fuck can I possibly fault a guy who not only blows up planets for a living, but shares in Jack O'Neill's pursuits of finally naming a goddam interstellar battleship as the goddam Starship Enterprise (I just hope "Voyager" wasn't his second choice, that's all)?... I absolutely loved how dejected the poor guy felt, when not only did he learn the original lame-ass name to the Ancient Aurora-class warship they had found, but also at how just lameass Sheppard's new name of "Orion" sounded for a warship that size...

I mean, wasn't the Orion class in Star Trek some shit ass science vessel? Fuck...

... they should've just called her the fucking Defiant, if they wanted a compromise...

Or why just not cut off the last two fucking letters from the name?... The Starship "Ori" sure sounds like a saving grace for the galaxy, now doesn't it?...

Meanwhile, the Daedalus in orbit gets absolutely no love. I mean seriously, why is it that every fucking race in the fucking galaxy doesn't give a fucking damn that we earthlings have FUCKING INTERGALACTIC BATTLECRUISERS... Why the hell did Ronon never even flinch at the thought of a fleet of Daedalus-class battlecruisers? Why the hell does Teyla act as if nothing was out of the ordinary as she's fucking flying through space faster than the Wraith ever have?... And here, why didn't the chancellor even give one damn about the fact that we have the capability to fucking nuke every planet from high orbit? Why the hell doesn't anyone in the Stargate Atlantis universe care that in some aspects, we are MORE advanced than the fucking Wraith ever were? WTF?...

Instead, the Chancellor gave all his praise to the fucking Atlantis city instead. Just like the Prometheus never wows anyone back on SG-1 anymore compared to everyone's first sight of the Stargate, I guess the Pegasus galaxy only bats an eye when something of the Ancients comes their way...

The chancellor himself was a waste of a casting role. They opted to go the path of a Bill-Murray-looking old foggie for the spot, instead of hiring the hot kind of Cadman bitch that they should've gotten for Noreena in the first place... I admit that I did like some of his negotiations with Dr. Weir however. He did raise some valid fundamental, Bill-Murray eyebrows, that the planet did coincidentally start igniting as soon as the Aurora-class warship was discovered by us in the hanger bay. But then of course, like a fucking Michael Bay movie, the plot and character just completely fell apart, as the Chancellor lost all sense of spine and became pussy whipped by the one goddam bitch on the show who always ends up on top...

Really, pretty much the only moments I enjoyed from Dr. Weir were the ones where she didn't say anything and gave nothing but her little bitchy "oh shit" looks, of whether Sheppard and his team were still alive or not... Now, I do suppose her little discussion with Sheppard about Noreena being "hot" was a nice change of pace, considering I am the no-name lesbian in a man's body afterall. And it was refreshing for Dr. Weir to actually act like a modern day woman for once there, instead of a fucking Margaret Thatcher with better boobs... Still, did she really contribute anything to the story? Hell, she even sounded like she was threatening the fucking chancellor, by claiming she wasn't threatening him with the fact we could nuke his ass into high orbit...

Teyla and Ronon were as useless as ever in Inferno. What the fuck was wrong with the writing in this episode, when literally one second before they get saved by the Asgard beaming array, they cliche claim that they're all going to die?... Ronon really should've been kicking ass and taking the names of all those suicidal, illegal alien morons who decided to make a run for the border. Yet instead, as he's holding some helpless little child in his arms, he simply makes a pansy-sort of laugh once he learns that everyone on the planet was pretty much just magically saved by the Orion?...

God, it's really damn pitiful and pitfall painful to watch the pussification of such a character with potential badassness. Where the fuck are the 80's when you need them?...

And couldn't Sora, Dr. Weir, and a fucking naked Cadman have been the saving grace of sweaty, hot and bothered rescuers on the planet instead? Fuck the writers... fuck them for choosing Sir Conan Doyle Noreena over this shit...

But Inferno really wasn't about anything but the new Orion ship that Sheppard got the captain's chair on. Hell, the bridge alone provided some of the best damn banter in the entire damn series to date, as McKay and Sheppard bickered over its name, and poor useless Beckett off to the side had to play musical chairs when it was all said and done... I personally hate the look of the warship, as it lacks any of the beauty of the exterior that Atlantis as a city seems to possess. I understand that it was built during a busy time of war, but really, couldn't they have at least given it fucking nacelles and a fucking saucer section so we could fucking call it the fucking Enterprise in fanfic?...

The end of Inferno was cheesy as hell though. I mean, let me get this straight... Thanks to taking back hundreds if not thousands of drones from the volcanic settlement, the Atlantis city is now fully restocked with Ancient weaponry. Not only do we have the fucking Daedalus in orbit (which if the writers were smart, would fucking fire BSG-style mini-nukes or explosive salvos with their fucking rail guns), but now also the fucking Orion just drum-rolling along in space?...

Add to all that the fact that we now have a ZPM that can consistently use the weapons chair platform and provide unbreachable shielding against a Wraith armada for at least a few fucking days, and then seriously, how the fuck did Dr. Weir and co at the end come to the same fucking conclusion, that it simply all won't be enough? What the fuck are they smoking?...

I know that the Wraith are supposed to swarm en mass and overwhelm in numbers. And from a modern day point of view, I personally do find the hundreds of Wraith darts scrambling from each motherfucking Hive ship to be impressive to say the least... But I seriously can't understand how the fuck the Ancients could have possibly lost the war, when they possessed at least tens of thousands of Ancient drones, weapons that not only bypass all known SciFi defenses with fucking pinpoint perfect accuracy, but can also take out a fucking entire fleet in orbit with fucking one-hit kills as well?... Tell me then, with shields and weapons and a technological gap like that, how the fuck could the Ancients ever possibly lose a war to even a fleet of hundreds of fucking Wraith ships in the end? WTF?...

That's why I was fucking laughing my ass off at Cameron Mitchell back in SG-1's Ripple Effect, when he was trying to explain to his doppleganger why we needed the fucking ZPM in Atlantis instead of earth. I mean seriously, how the fuck are the Wraith really a threat?... Even if they can somehow ever defeat Atlantis and find a way to the Milky Way Galaxy, wouldn't they just get this asses kicked and alien names taken not only by the Ancient defenses left in Antarctica, not only by the few Asgard ships that occasionally still patrol the protected planets, but also by the dozens if not hundreds of Jaffa Ha'tak motherships left in our galaxy?... And wouldn't the Ori just eat their Wraith asses for breakfast? What kind of threat from the Wraith is that?...

I say, if push comes to shove, just cut our losses in the Pegasus Galaxy. Take the ZPM back into orbit, download the Atlantis database to earth, beam up whatever technology they can to the Daedalus, and then blow the lost city of Atlantis the fuck up... What the fuck is the problem is that? What the fuck are the Wraith gonna do then? Really then, what kind of measly threat are they in the end? WTF?...

And yet still, we got Smallville "oh shit" looks from the entire cast and crew from one measly Hive ship on their long range scanners...

... well, maybe the Voyager Borg... but definitely not the Starship Enterprise Borg, at least...

But hot damn, "Orion" as a name for the Aurora-class warship fucking sucks ass. Why not just rename it to "Gateship 1" for all I care?...

Inferno definitely had its flaws, namely Noreena and the lack of fucking Star Trek conventions, aside from the Kirking at least... I still don't get why the Daedalus gets no appreciation either. I mean, sure they were dumbass as hell for not just transporting the population of the planet to the nearest Stargate (rather than ferrying them to Atlantis for twelve bloody hours at a time)... but, well?... still...

Inferno was still definitely a fun episode, with amazing special effects and a McKay super-solution in the end that may have been ridiculous sounding, but definitely felt right in the context of the episode. His speech alone, about how brilliant his plan was to rocket the ship into orbit using the volcano eruption as propellant, merits a definite return to the classic days of patented McKay technobabble from the ever glorious first season of the show...

Stargate Atlantis has always been the John Sheppard and John Schneider and Rodney fucking McKay show in the end, and Inferno was definitely no different. And thank God it wasn't any different, because the series has been sorely lacking in the fun romp factor of banter and bicker between the two of them, for God knows how long between two goddam fires... whatever the hell that means...

Now, I'll definitely admit that Inferno wasn't the greatest of episodes... but it definitely could have easily been...

... if only Noreena had been fucking hot enough to make me erupt in an inferno...

... if only Sora and Cadman had to get naked and huddle together on the ash planet to survive...

... if only fucking dragons were the goddam reason for the fucking reign of fire...

"I had such high hopes for the second season of Stargate Atlantis, at least to finish off with a Prometheus-sized bang...

The writers had proven to be fucking legendary with their first season of the show. They had become my dearest chums...

The thing is, Allies was still an excellent episode, and absolutely one of the best of the second season of the show... although I do think that speaks more volumes about the season as a whole than it does for the episode...

My brother and I rewatched National Treasure the other night, and it still astounds me how the characters in that film are always one step ahead of the audience. It leaves even science fiction and history nerds like me in captivated awe, simply because we never really knew what the fuck will happen next...

It just ain't the same with Stargate Atlantis this year. Take this week's season finale, Allies, for example...

Yes, I know the Atlantis expedition team had no choice in following the Wraith's orders, as they were essentially being blackmailed into doing their bidding. But please don't tell me that Dr. Weir and her fucking nutjobs didn't see the end betrayal coming... Even a fucking five year could have predicted that kind of shit as soon as Michael claimed that he fucking came in peace...

I was hoping that the Atlantis team would eventually redeem themselves, but they never did. How the fuck could they be so fucking stupid, especially after the events of Intruder, to let a fucking Wraith virus into their fucking computer systems?...

It's dumbass enough to open up an executable file from earth on a computer with sensitive information, let alone a fucking e-mail attachment from an enemy message that reads, "Wraith nekkid pr0n"...

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with the Atlantis team? I know that they "firewalled" their computers, but that fucking didn't stop the Daedalus from being completely taken over in Intruder... Sure, we also virus-scanned the hell out of the Wraith files. But Norton Anti-Shit is useless enough as it is against earth viruses, let alone alien ones it ain't supposed to know...

How fucking hard would it be to just transfer the shit to a non-networked computer before opening up its contents? Then again, the Daedalus never opened up any executables before getting infected (and didn't even consciously download anything for that matter). But at least the team should've tried to take some real precautions this time around, instead of just waving and dismissing the threat off like McKay did in this episode...

It's bad enough that the Wraith were able to probe our systems for the location of earth, but it's even worse that we didn't make a fucking backup of their technological specs on a DVD-ROM or whatever else sort of non-rewritable format. Sure, the virus may end up burning the DVD literally on fire once it ever gets inserted back into a computer, but at least the Atlantis team wouldn't have looked so damn dumbass clueless once their screens started to fuck up...

I'm praying that the third season of the show starts with the Atlantis team being redeemed, that they actually planted false information in our database for the Wraith to find. If the Wraith ever do make it to Milky Way, I sincerely hope that they drop out of hyperspace expecting to find earth, only to arrive at a fucking, fully loaded Jaffa stronghold instead. Or hell, even send them to the fucking Ori galaxy for all I care...

Please writers, do something to make the Atlantis team look even remotely competent in the end. Otherwise heads will roll, and I'm not just talking about Dr. Weir and the fucking moronic characters in the series themselves...

With all that said though?... Allies was still a strong episode, in a very strong week for SciFi Friday...

Yeah, I know she was trying to be all dark and broody and everything, but why has she become such a hardlined bitch? She barely even flinched when the Wraith queen started feeding on her own, and she barely even cared when Dr. Beckett started voicing concerns about the Wraith civil war... I don't get why the fuck we would ever want to convert the Wraith to humans, if we could actually just beam or cloak our nuclear bombs into their Hive ships. Does Dr. Weir enjoy the thought of Wraith feeding on each other, torturing themselves into oblivion? Is that how she lullabies herself to sleep each night?...

Carson was mostly invisible in the background, as I didn't even notice him until the second time I watched Allies. Finally though, some of the old Beckett started to shine through, namely his humane self that would try to save anybody, even a Wraith who was injured... Still, despite losing a bunch of sleep over building a goddam biological weapon, he was a bit too gung-ho for his own good. I liked some of his bizarre and awkward comedy when it came to trying to discuss science with a Wraith, but his rigid backbone when it came to the gas-only approach to his weapon against the Wraith just seemed badly misplaced...

Dr. McKay had a few decent moments, most of them coming with Hermiod. Or because of Hermiod, really... Afterall, we haven't had nearly enough of the guy mocking our cast and crew since Intruder. And it was nice to see the Asgard still being his ol' Assgard self...

Still, I just can't get around the fact that Rodney was such a fucking moron in Allies. I know he gets easily seduced by technology, and he had a great line of "Everything you wanted to know about Wraith technology but were too afraid to ask". But the overconfidence in his counters against the Wraith-beaming-countermeasures was just too plain telling and too damn grating... He didn't even seem to consider even once that a) the Wraith were going to backstab him, or b) that the Wraith fed him limited or red herring info when it came to their jamming technology. Otherwise, he wouldn't have left himself so vulnerable on the Wraith ship in the end...

Zelenka is always great to see, but I blame him just as much for the virus fiasco as I do McKay. Or actually, what I blame the most is the fact that we got none of the McKay and Zelenka show in the end, as all the Czech scientist got to do was mope about the city as the Wraith virus started chewing up our fucking computer systems... The actor tried to make it sound as if the team had taken every precaution against the virus in the end, when he was trying to spare his ass with Dr. Weir. But it was both obvious to the actor and I'm sure to the writers at the time, that Zelenka now looks like just a complete dunce of a moron...

Ronon and Teyla were really the only two who knew that something was amiss, and knew that they would be betrayed by their newfound Allies. I just hope their concerns were not left on deaf-ears when the third season of the show starts coming about... Ronon had a few gripping scenes, naming when he was gripping his gun or brandishing his weapon at some Wraith. He was a complete badass when it came to the knife against the Wraith scientist, and he certainly seemed to be quite fond of Michael in the infirmary room as always...

Teyla herself only had the one decent scene with Michael, but at least there was some good continuity there. It was disappointing that Connor Trinneer didn't have the time or the chance to reprise his Enterprise role of Michael the Wraith, even though the bizarro Michael still did provide an interesting dynamic to the plot of the episode... It was obvious that while his Wraith instincts still govern him, his mind knows only what it's like to be a human. He didn't want to feed on Teyla, and even felt regret about it afterwards, but who could blame him for almost doing so? I mean seriously, most guys wouldn't mind eating her out too (though obviously, broken record of a man that I am, I'd much prefer Sora and Cadman on a nekkid pr0n platter... I'd open up that viral e-mail in a heartbeat, thank you very much...)...

Michael as a character has lots of potential, and I would love it if he could join the cast in the third season of the show as a reoccurring character or something. A part of him obviously wants to be human again, otherwise he wouldn't have looked so damn disgusted when the Queen was feeding on her newly human-turned prey... It'd be great if Atlantis could get Connor Trinneer to return for several episodes next season then, and make Michael into sort of their own Sharon or Boomer Cylon equivalent in the series...

Of course, it'd be even better if they could just get Grace fucking Park on the series as well...

But still, I'd settle for Linda Park as a Wraith turned into a soft, naked human with perfect complexion and skin, thank you very much...

Now, Sheppard was good for the role he was given, as he never really did look that damn dumb with the whole Allies fiasco. He knew the Wraith couldn't be trusted, and it's not like he trusted the data that the enemy had sent McKay either... It's just that, he was still too damn dumb for his own good not to see the Wraith betrayal coming from a mile away. Otherwise, he wouldn't have seemed lost as hell when the two Hive ships opened fire right on the Daedalus coming out of hyperspace at the end...

The battle scenes alone are the reason why I did end up enjoying Allies for what it was worth. Sure, it made no fucking logical sense that the Daedalus and it's trained crew, would just keep blindingly fire fucking pathetic projectiles the size of my puny fist at a massive ship that's larger than some human cities, always hoping to hit something that would just fucking explode in a bang. But hey, if McKay and Ronon aboard the "friendly" hive ship heard at least something ignite, then I guess shooting wildly at random targets has just got to be doing something afterall for the team?...

Still, the first battle scene where the tiny Daedalus takes the hits to give the friendly Hive ship time to escape? It reminded me so much of the USS Defiant at the time (though the destruction of the Prommie over on SG-1 reminded me of the death of the Defiant too... so I guess everything reminds me of the bloody hell Defiant). And any reminder of the best of Trek battles is always a good thing in my book...

I'll also chalk it up to the special effects team here. They really made a classic, action wise at least, as not only did the sight of the Daedalus taking on two Hive ships look absolutely spectacular? But the view of the Atlantis city as the Hive transport was being escorted by two F-302's was breath-taking as well...

The only times that John Sheppard really felt natural was when he was in the cockpit of the F-302. He pulled a complete R2D2 with his 360 twirls in space (which sadly worked against an entire fleet of Wraith darts), and I just loved his determined attitude to take out the Wraith hyperdrive as well (was McKay over the comm telling him to use the force or some shit like that?)... We all know he ain't dead at the end of Allies. Knowing him, he either found a way to land in the Wraith hanger bay, or he pulled some miracle Hans Solo stunt, nailing his fighter to the side of the Hive ship, just waiting to be jettisoned along with the rest of the trash...

Sheppard kicked ass and took names in Allies, and I appreciated that. The Daedalus got its ass kicked, but still brought it when it came to dishing the punishment back out, and I appreciated that...

I appreciated Allies as one of the best episodes of the season not just because of its laughable and horrid plot, but really because of the action and rewatch value it brings to the show. Sure, I didn't give one single damn about the cliffhanger conclusion, but I look forward to enjoying all the surefire, sunfire, kickass explosions and brainless light-shows that we'll inevitably get in the third season of the show...

... that's all that really counts to me, besides all the hot, nekkied pr0n viruses that is...

And who knows? Maybe we'll even get an intelligent story out of it all again, one of these days as well?...

And if we ever do? Then the writers will really become my best friends again, if the first season of the show was any true indication...