IvanF's Noname Archived Reviews for the Third Season of Stargate Atlantis (2006-2007)...

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- IvanF's No-Name Archived Reviews for
The Third Season of Stargate Atlantis (2006 - 2007) -

- IvanFian Last Updated: September 8th, 2007
- Notable Episodes: No Man's Land, Sateda, Progeny, Common Ground, The Return (Parts 1 & 2), Echoes, Tao of Rodney, Sunday, First Strike
- Best Episode of the Season: McKay and Mrs. Miller

"Sure, I was amazed by the writing and quality of Stargate SG-1 in its ninth season of the show. But, umm?...

... I don't think I can say quite the same thing about Stargate Atlantis and its second goddam year as a series...

Truth be told, Stargate Atlantis season two sucked. It sucked hard, it sucked balls, and it sucked motherfucking Landry ass out of a motherfucking straw for almost an entire fucking year. Does that sum things up?...

So when I first heard about this week's Atlantis season premiere, did I ever really think I'd give two thumbs up to No Man's Land?

But apparently, we've entered bizarro world again, or the writers of the Stargate series just goddam switch priorities every single goddam season. Because while SG-1's Flesh and Bone was only 'meh m'okay' to me, Stargate Atlantis and No Man's Land have safely wisked away the episode of the week crown...

... and given it to that brunette hottie that Sheppard was eye-balling in the messhall...

Man, she was fucking hot. Why couldn't they have gotten her to play Adria, goddammit?...

Because like all ascended or ascending women? Her one weakness would be John Sheppard. Who would've thunk?...

But bah, while SG-1 wasted their opportunities this week, Stargate Atlantis surprisingly reminded me without a shadow of a doubt as to why exactly I fell in love with the series in its first season as a show...

First of all, I think the space battle here speaks for itself, as it ranks right up there with The Lost City, Camelot and The Siege (Part 3) as the best damn space shit I've seen from the Stargate writers in both entire goddam series. Finally, the Daedalus proves that it's a tough little nookie of a motherfucker, showing us how it's done and that size really doesn't matter...

It's all about how you use it, and it was about goddam time Caldwell tried to nuke the fuck out of a Hive Ship with every missile that he's got (and it would've worked, if Sheppard hadn't caused all the Wraith Darts to guard the space around the queen 24/7). And as for the fucking rail-gun battery barrage as the Wraith Dart hanger bays opened up? Damn, that was fucking sweet, and fucking smart for once from Colonel goddam Caldwell of all people...

Fuck, it's like the crew of the ship finally grew a fucking brain. What the fuck happened to them last year?...

And hell, and seeing all those nukes light up the night sky like that? It was almost like watching an episode of Battlestar fucking Galactica...

... a good episode of Battlestar Galactica that is, knowing full well how goddam rare those really are...

As stupid as the Atlantis cast and crew were in Allies, I could almost forgive them for it, simply because they actually had some decent wits about them in No Man's Land. It was like the writers even tried to make up for their lacklustre season finale last year, and extended Sheppard's fighter battle sequence at the start of this episode (which screwed the hell out of me, considering I had left my television at the time thinking the show was still in flashback mode). Sure, it was ridiculous how he took out about a dozen darts by himself with just three fucking missiles and a cap gun, but what the fuck else can I expect from the man who can fucking pick up any of the smokin' hot Atlantis chicks he wants?...

He's my fucking hero. Afterall, Sheppard still did his whole Kirkin' routine, ignoring Zelenka and Rodney's baseless argument to flirt with the fucking hottest bitch this side of the galaxy. And he also did get to pull off his whole Hans Solo thing as well, even going so far as to emulate the man by sticking his fighter to the side of a Intergalactic garbage chute...

But what I probably liked from Sheppard most, was that he was not only absolutely hilarious in No Man's Land (operation "This Will End Badly" is one of his better ones that most people missed), but that he actually felt human. He wanted to do huge damage to the Hive ship himself, but I guess the number game of hundreds of darts against his one fighter finally caught up to the man. While it was ridiculous how the Wraith spared his life rather than just obliterate him while he was still in the crimson skies, I did like how Sheppard had to humble himself and trust in Michael to win the battle in the end...

And besides, any time that a Star Trek fanatic like myself can get an episode with Connor fucking Trinneer (and not that bullshit clone of his, Sim Tucker, that we got in Allies instead)? Well, while I definitely missed his southern accent here, I really do admit that his character has grown a hell of a lot after just three episodes in the series. And I would love for him to come back as a semi-regular one of these days...

Even under all that make-up, you could still see just how conflicted Michael was in all his choices. He wanted to belong to his fucking Hive, but just like any good Borg in Star Trek would feel once disconnected, he just didn't fit in there any longer. He wanted to live, and to live he had to side with the "Atlantians" as he called us. It was a plausible turn of events, and made a hell of a lot more sense in context than it ever felt when Teal'c first betrayed Apophis for a bunch of locked up humans who merely showed him a fucking Jack O'Neill hand watch as goddam military technology...

And Michael (or Connor Trinneer, really) just seems to bring out the absolute best in the characters on Atlantis. I normally hate Ronon as a character, as even with McKay, his whole stereotypical "never say die, unless you die another day" attitude was still getting on my nerves. He's meant to be a supreme badass, yet I never see him pull off the stunts like Jack Bauer or John McClane or even fucking Captain Picard would ever do, so he's never had credibility with me. Yet for some damn reason, I actually loved the moment when he pulled out his gun on Michael. It was a predictable thing to do, but damn did the two actors there along with Sheppard ever make that moment convincing...

Ronon just seemed like a real character in No Man's Land, and I was shocked at that. If even Mr. Baywatch seemed like he could almost act decently here, an impossible feat in my eyes, then does this mean that even Dr. Weir will be something more than a goddam brunette of a barbie doll one of these days?...

Dr. Weir sucked ass. Why the fuck did she even leave Teyla behind to do her dirty whore work for her? Couldn't she have left someone else in charge who, you know, knew what the fuck to do with the PDA that Teyla was struggling to use later on? God, I felt so embarrassed for Rachel as an actress as she just stood there while Elizabeth was bitching at Caldwell to sacrifice his ship and crew, just to fix her own goddam mistake. I'm sure Teyla wanted to kick Dr. Weir's ass too in that scene...

Either that, or fuck her up the ass with her fighting sticks like I'm sure she's done so many times in the past. Otherwise, if they weren't fucking it up together, why the hell would Teyla be moving up the corporate ladder so damn quickly, and why else would the two of them now be on a first name basis? Boggles the mind and tongue ties the undies, now doesn't it?...

But Dr. Weir still sucked ass, even while taking it up the ass. She was sent back to earth to face the music of the Chinese bitch from the IOA, and supposedly we were meant to believe she held her own. It was about due time that she got called on all her countless blunders, as really not only has the Atlantis expedition not helped earth one damn bit in their fight against the Ori, but have fucking caused us to enter into almost a full scale war with the Wraith on a second front. Sure, the Wraith are fucking pansies who should've just been left to wander into the Milky Way Galaxy, where Jaffa ships and fucking F-302's strapped with nukes could've torn their worthless hides apart, but it was still Elizabeth's goddam stupidity that got us into that problem in the first place...

I do admire one thing though, that she had the guts to actually make the call and potentially sacrifice both the Daedalus and the Orion to save earth from a potential culling. It was a dumbass decision on her behalf, considering the Wraith are a complete and utter fucking waste of time. But if you pretend like the Hive Ships actually were a credible threat? Then yeah, I do think she made the right decision...

... and lost the fucking Orion, our only defence against the Ori, in the process...

Well, at least that scene of all those little squids of death, dancing their way back and forth as they sexed up the hull of the Wraith ship, was actually goddam beautiful in the end. But still, we lost the goddam ship...

And you know who else was a bitch? Because you know, by the way, just to get ahead of my episodic quota by one damn week?...

I mean, what the fuck was the crazy son of a bitch trying to do? Hit on Dr. Weir? WTF?...

Even Carson was better than fucking Landry this episode. Man, the doc fucking cleaned house and owned the whole damn show...

No Man's Land was an overall great episode, packed with action and suspense. But it was Rodney McKay above all else, with all his patented whining, that made it truly the comedic genius that Atlantis used to consistently and campily be back in the first season of the show. I absolutely loved all his comments, about choosing to be a hero rather than a meal, or how he fucking got all that spyware on his computer whenever he tried to download porn (or music... or more pr0n... sorry...). He was an absolute moron and a waste of time in Allies, but I thank the Atlantian ascended gods every morning for the fact he was back in optimus prime form here in No Man's Land...

Afterall, I loved DOS. Wing Commander 2 on DOS 5.1 could kick your motherfucking ass. True story. And probably the Wraith's ass too, though that's obviously not saying much...

And No Man's Land rocked as well. Because except for the fact that the crew accidentally beamed onto the lost set of a Lord of the Rings movie at the end of a really weak cliffhanger moment? I was honestly quite stunned and thrilled by this episode the whole way through...

Stargate is back, and Atlantis is finally back in form... for one week at least...

Because once again, I enjoyed SG-1 for what it was, no matter how bottled and low budget the episode may have been...

Guess it was bound to happen after the shitty ass second season of the show. But this soon into the third season? WTF?...

WTF is wrong with the characters? How the fuck could they be so damn stupid? Do the writers want us to hate the actors and the show? WTF?...

First, the Atlantis team just decides that after all of Michael's help, that instead of just letting him back out into the Pegasus Galaxy trusting that he would keep the existence of Atlantis safe? They rape him with a needle against his will, take away his memory and identity, pretend like the whole de-Wraithing thing didn't fuck things up the last time they tried it, and just assume that all their baseless lying goes to plan? WTF?...

Woolsey gained my respect on SG-1 in the past two weeks, and completely lost it when it came to Atlantis. Why the fuck is he covering for Dr. Weir now? I know that she has had her moments, but letting the Wraith find the location of earth and upgrade their hyperdrives to intergalactic speeds, then potentially letting an entire colony of humanized Wraith escape from their planetary prison to a Hive ship, were definitely not excellent decisions for the good of our planet, in my honest opinion at least...

I mean, why the fuck didn't she order a secondary nuclear bomb to be brought by Sheppard to the site, just in case? Why didn't they just pick a planet as a prison with a Stargate in a nearby orbit, instead of being forced to dedicate their new Wraith Hive Ship to the clean-up cause, and have it meaninglessly destroyed just like they wasted the fucking Ancient Warship Orion for no real fucking reason last week? Doesn't she know what kind of fucking assets she could've had besides the ones on her body, if only she had half a fucking brain? WTF?...

Yet John Sheppard is "defending her honor"? I know it was a cute scene between the both of them, as he even seemed to blush as he made no reference to her quip. But really, how moronic and pussy whipped can the guy really be? How the fuck can he ever defend Elizabeth Weir for what she has done in command, fully knowing (I assume) that she has not only endangered earth with the threat of an invasion from life-sucking aliens, but also destroyed the only ship we had powerful enough to even challenge the fucking Ori in the Milky Way Galaxy. WTF?...

Sheppard was just really dumb in every way in Misbegotten. Did he really have to have such goddam transparent lies whenever he just brushed off and dismissed the humanized Wraith? Why the hell wouldn't he have guessed that maybe the nuclear bomb failsafe plan wouldn't have worked, considering Carson was fucking tortured, mind probed and probably anal raped by a really angry Michael? Why the hell didn't he just trust Michael in the first place like he did last episode, instead of making sure that Connor Trinneer someday comes back in full force with hopefully the Starship Enterprise to make life a living hell for the expedition team?...

I know being pussy whipped by a bitch makes men do some dumbass things, but he couldn't even beat down a bunch of harmless humans wearing fucking white shirts for red shirt target practice? Couldn't he have just raked up the Jack Bauer body count himself? WTF?...

Ronon was no better. He pretended to be badass at the start, and yet all he did was stab a bunch of dumbass Wraith and then call it a day. He could've been and done so much more as a character. He could've been the fucking Jack Bauer of the series. "I wish"...

Teyla was utterly useless as well. Not as a character technically, as she pretended to know how to actually use a Dell computer at the start, and then fucking reminded us all why women should never be allowed to drive when it came to the Hive Ship later on. But as a personality, what did she really do? Act tired from the Wraith mental interface, then do her little pouting look when it came to trying to convince Michael that losing his identity and consciousness was the right thing to do for the good of his lack of a future? WTF?...

Now, I'm not saying that there was an easy solution to the problem at hand. Since the gas that Dr. Beckett had developed only lasts a day or so, you really only have two choices. Trust that the humanized Wraith can cope with the truth and slowly integrate them into society, or just wipe them all out as if they were still Wraith trying to suck the dear life out of you. The problem was, the Atlantis team was so fucking stupid that they couldn't make a decision between the two choices, and got four fucking red shirts fed upon and a fucking Hive Ship lost in the process...

WTF is this? Battleshit Galactica? Is he gonna bomb Cloud Nine when Dr. Weir and Sheppard are frakkin' in a hotel room or some shit like that? WTF?...

The only character with even some sense in Misbegotten was Doctor Carson Beckett. It's understandable that a doctor would be torn between helping his patients yet realizing that it just isn't right to keep them in the mental state that they were in. As a doctor, he refused to kill them and still thought he was doing the right thing in saving them from their Wraith inner nature. The problem is, while all that was true to his character, it was still completely stupid of him not to recognize the threat at hand. It's just too fucking bad we didn't get to see him get tortured by Michael, as it would've been a small fucking consolation to me to see somebody from the dumbass Atlantis team finally suffer for screwing over earth...

And the ending to Misbegotten? WTF? Yes, I know that after last week, there wasn't much money left to show a battle. But did the show really just have to skip all the tension and have the Atlantis team all safe and snug and sound in a puddle jumper just suddenly out of nowhere? If this was a standalone episode, I might not really care how cheap of an ending that was. But as a follow-up to the "To Be Continued" line from last week's amazing episode? I can't help but think that Misbegotten not only tarnished the reputation of No Man's Land, but accomplished the impossible task of making even Allies look good...

I was hoping that Connor Trinneer could come back to the cast as a regular guest star, sort of like a half human, half Wraith with his loyalties split and divided between his two universes colliding. Connor Trinneer is an awesome actor, and he definitely could've pulled it off. It's just such a fucking cop-out to not know if he survived the orbital bombardment or not. He's now stuck in writer's limbo, chillin' with fucking Lieutenant Ford and Jimmy Hoffa while waiting for his next goddam paycheck. He deserves better than that...

"Heh... the thing is, this week wasn't exactly the most fair of weeks for having the episode of the week award...

I mean, just think of the competition. Not only does The Pegasus Project have a chance at being one of the best episodes of Stargate SG-1 of all time, but it probably fits right up there with Rising as the fucking best episode of Stargate Atlantis as well. WTF?...

And the thing is, judging by all the early descriptions? To me, Irresistible on Atlantis was going to be just one of those god-awful episodes that a viewer absolutely hates. But not as one of those episodes that are just so bad that it's actually good, but an hour that's so damn horrendously stupid that you can't simply bear to watch. The kind of which that the season season had in spades, mind you...

And yet? Even though my overall opinion really hasn't changed much since seeing the episode?...

My God, was Irresistible stupid. What kind of stupid ass plotline has Richard Kind completely forgetting that he was Daniel Jackson's bitch in the original movie, while pulling a Sin Spin City when it came to raping every fucking hot girl in town?...

Then again, unlike Stargate SG-1, Atlantis actually had some fucking hot bitches in super tight dresses. That's gotta be worth an extra look, right?...

And the thing is, as bad of a plotline as Irresistible was? It just still had that annoying yet alluring sort of charm that so many of the episodes from the first season of the show seemed to have. For the first time in ages, I actually laughed out loud so hard from an Atlantis episode that I actually had to hold my gut, and why? Because Sheppard and McKay finally had another one of those classic geek moments together, finding time in the middle of a Rape Rape Date Sim emergency to talk about how fucking hot Catwoman was in the god-awful original Batman series. WTF?...

It was obvious from the get-go that Sheppard's cold would be his defence in this episode. But even so, and despite all his horribly acted out coughs and sneezes? The episode just had this great kind of transition from him being weirded out at first by all the women and men googling over this fat bastard by the dinner table, and the next being truly creeped out by that lucious Lucius Lavin's need for some lovin'. Not only that, but for once John Sheppard was actually the one to be left out of all the Kirking rituals, and fucking got revenge by stealing away Lucius' favourite love-toy instead...

Either way though, I absolutely think that this was probably Beckett's best comedic performance ever. I think we all know why he was the first to retort on Sheppard's comment about fantasizing about Lucius' touch, and we all probably got a good chuckle out of it as well. And who here didn't at least shed a tear in laughter, when John even got Carson to weep like a baby in the Puddle Jumper? Lucius needs the guy afterall, and so does the show. For once, he actually got to play the hero and saved everyone, including the writers, with his great acting performance...

Teyla and Ronon had reduced roles, but even they got their moments to make me smile. It was awkwardly weird to see Ronon as such a pussy whipped bastard to Richard Kind. But then again, he's always been such a pussy when it comes to Sheppard, that it really didn't feel out of place either. And as for Teyla, it was always nice to see her first want to bitch slap some sense into Lucius for asking her hand in marriage, then swooning over the man when it came to caring about his feelings. In fact, probably her glee in returning with all the weed (or herbs...) from the Wraith planet, was her most fun moment on the show in years. As dumbass as both of these characters were in the episode, at least they were actually entertaining for once...

And what the fuck was with Dr. Elizabeth Weir this week? First, she impresses the hell out of me in The Pegasus Project, and now she turned me on again in Irresistible? Am I just really that damn horny this weekend? WTF?...

The sad fact of the matter is, Torri Higginson was quite irresistible in this episode. Sure, it was pathetic how she probably made the same dumbass command decisions here as she would've if she hadn't been high on Lucius, but you gotta love the fact that the actress really can be free and wheelin' and dealin' with herself at times. Can't I at least get her hand in marriage, after all those times she was feeling herself up with her fingers? And all those moments when she had her paws knitted all over Lucius, not to mention the cat fight bitch look she gave to Teyla when she learned of that marriage proposal to her? I dunno, but Elizabeth actually seemed like a real woman for once. A hypnotized woman who would do anything I ask of her to please me and pleasure herself, but a very hot damn "real" woman at the very least...

McKay sort of took a back seat in terms of comedy in Irresistible, except for the Catwoman debate of course. Still, David Hewlett has absolutely some of the best comedic timing I've seen on a SciFi show to date, and every single one of his quips and queries in this episode felt natural and completely in place. Whenever it came to his Stargate collection quota, that look he gave to Teyla at the end just to piss off the female vote, or that child-like eagerness in his eyes while explaining the Intergalactic Bridge idea as if it were a comic book story, there is just something to McKay that is uniquely hilarious and brilliant. In any galaxy or Stargate series, really...

Now, don't get me wrong. I still thought Irresistible was a dumb as shit cliche comedy that has been done to death already in Sci-Fi, let alone any fantasy-driven dribble on the idiot TV box (hell, it was done twice on Buffy the Vampire Slayer alone)...

But unlike most Atlantis episodes in the second and already third season of the show? Irresistible actually had a complete and self-contained story, with an ending that not only left off on a high (weed) note, but also didn't feel rushed for once as well...

I know that Richard Kind's skills were wasted. I know that a comedy about the entire office being in love with Lavin' was one of the dumbest asstastic and reused concepts around. I know how borderline eye-rolling it was, to see the entire Atlantis group listening to the man's stories about bringing a baby back to retarded life and all (which was a true story, mind you...)...

But even so? When it came to his whole attractive personality and the plot of this episode?...

... well, until I take that antidote and see this episode for the shit it is, at least..."

What the fuck kind of name is Sateda? How the fuck can I make a bad pun about fucking "Sateda"?...

Couldn't the writers have named this episode something more depictive, something more accurate?...

The thing is, Sateda definitely is one of the most well done episodes of Atlantis to date, in terms of acting and camera angles and maybe even music. Now, I do appreciate the total package, and Sateda does earn this week's episode of the week award from me (almost by default though, really). But still, there just seemed to be something off about Sateda, more than the oddba'al name will ever alone suggest...

It was like a goddam episode of Battlestar Galactica, directed by John fucking Woo...

Half of the episode consisted of the 1950's, Cold War-like homeworld of Ronon's, blanketed in Crapica blue, and the other half of the episode was shaky cam, grainy footage of all of the goddam caveman's flashbacks to fucking some cute as hell but whiny bitch of a wife. And the other half of the episode, was simply ridiculous Matrix bullshit. Maybe it could've all worked with a greener tint than blue or something, but seeing Ronon dodge Wraith stunner blasts in slow motion, blast Sateda shotgun shells into all the red shirt grunt guts, and then watch the Wraith King (or whatever the hell he was) get dropped and dragged and nuked by a goddam Ancient drone that should've just bore a hole right through him?...

Like I said before, it all felt more like a Battlestar Galactica episode than anything else...

... but, well?... at least Sateda reminded me of a good episode of BSG, more or less...

I will definitely honour and credit the writers for putting a ton of character development for once in an episode with enough action and excitement to appease any Jack Bauer or John McClane fan. The loyal Atlantis fanbase has been calling for a true "team-based" episode that wasn't just a bottle filler in the middle of the season, and the writers definitely finally delivered. And it all definitely showed with slow-mo sparks, with entire scenes devoted to just Rodney and Sheppard catching up on things, and Carson and co debating over who really deserves the right to prove their man-love to Ronon with a bloody hell machine gun...

The only thing is, didn't it all feel a tad bit forced in Sateda, ala BSG? Half of the episode was all Matrix effects, half of the rest of episode was all Ronon grunt effects, and the final half of the goddam show consisted of all these uber-quiet and light-hearted scenes with an arrow shoved up Rodney's butt. As much as I love comic relief, I just didn't feel there was enough of a smooth segway between the hugely juxtaposed scenes. It was all well written, but just not directed in a way that reminded of anything but a god-awful John Woo film in the end...

Like I said though, every character had a role to play in Sateda, and every actor did admirably in the task...

Rodney was hilarious as always. The morphine bit was a perhaps just a bit over the top for me, as all the pretty horses in the world just couldn't make me laugh with Major. Fake Lorne in the scene. However, I really did enjoy the moment between Sheppard and McKay on the floor (if that sounds good), with all those horrible jokes and banter between one another. It was a strong scene that not only proved their loyalty to Ronon, but also showed how close John and Rodney had gotten with one another, by the simple fact that Sheppard didn't even bother to pull up a chair for himself. I wasn't nearly as big of a fan of McKay in the Daedalus infirmary, as I already mentioned that the delivery of his lines there felt a bit forced and out of place, but how the fuck can I ever hate on a guy with yellow smiley limes on his boxers and a fucking arrow up his ass?...

Carson tried to be the hero for once, completely ignoring the fact that he was neither a military man nor Rambo when it came to the machine gun, but why the fuck did he care so much? Since when has he ever gotten close to or talked with Ronon, except for perhaps when he took out a fucking bullet from his gut? It was nice to see the camaraderie between the two, but I've never seen it before, and thus it all felt out of place. Still, you gotta love the fact, like it or not, that it was Beckett who stepped up to plate and hit a home-run with a full count and a Puddle Jumper in the end, and got a man-hug from everyone's favourite useless turd of a caveman to boot...

Teyla in the meanwhile, also sort of felt a bit out of place. Her loyalty to Ronon at the start was admirable and quite in character, but why the fuck was she complaining and bitching to Sheppard later on that she always feels like an outsider? Seriously, doesn't she get fucked by Dr. Weir every single morning and night, and fucking gets put in charge of the fucking Atlantis base whenever that fucking Eliza-bitch gets the shove? And yet she still has the nerve to complain? What more does she want? WTF?...

God, even with the longer and sexier hair, I still hate Dr. Weir. She mostly kept her mouth shut, but goddam, even the fucking booby Ba'als on her chest weren't doing anything for me this week...

But at least, despite her awkward performance, Sateda was definitely one of Teyla's better episodes of Atlantis. Namely because, she was meant to be awkward as hell with John Sheppard, as it was one of those rare and special scenes that actually stands out in your mind when it's all said and done. She filled in the blanks for everyone's favourite comatose military man when it comes to "feelings", and it did show a lot of chemistry between the two for the first time in ages. I still don't get why the fucking bitch feels like an outsider, but it was nice to see her thank John for all the pretty horses, and "all the things (he) meant to say"...

It shows a real team dynamic between the two, the kind of which we rarely see except for that goddam lizard angst in Conversion, that is...

Yeah, Sheppard had a real soft moment of weakness there, for one scene at least. I actually appreciated that small sort of insight into his character, not just because we were reminded of his Antarctic American Chopper sprees in the past, but because we kinda learned for a fact that yes, he is a loner, that he has no real friends back on earth. Sure, he had a pad with all his Kirking down pat in the past as we've seen, but as nothing more than a playa? Yeah, he was lonely. And of course, he will forever be lonely, if he keeps going for Dr. Weir and her fucking cock-blocking and bitch teasing ways, but I digress...

What I really did like about John Sheppard in Sateda though, was not his fire and loyalty to Ronon or any bullshit like that. But rather, just the little comic relief he brought to the fold along with Rodney and Teyla, the kind of which that didn't feel forced like Carson or whoever else pretending to actually be Ronon's best buddy in the world did. Just the little things in life, like not being able to sit down with a fucking arrow up your ass, are truly the things you treasure. And who here didn't at least crack a smile at poor Sheppard's bruised ego, when he lost in the Wraith kill count to a fucking outsider of a bitch?...

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with Teyla? Why is she so not appreciative of what she gets (and who she does) at Atlantis? Not only do we completely protect the Athosians, not only does Weir eat her fucking alien pussy out every single goddam hour of the day, but now Teyla has the power to fight back against the Wraith like no human ever has since the end of the Ancient war. Before she met Sheppard, she couldn't even hold her own against a single Wraith, and now she can take down eight without even breaking a sweat before making Weir bead and cry from the lower eye? How the fuck can she be so damn unappreciative? Where the fuck is the thanks? What a fucking bitch...

Does nobody still give credit where credit is due, and that is to the Daedalus? That one ship alone has destroyed or at least aided in the destruction of almost a dozen fucking Hive Ships by now, and yet the entire cast and crew gangs up on poor Colonel Caldwell anyhew as if he was the cold bastard he once was before the symbiot was revealed? Sure, it probably would've been better for the team aspect of the episode (though not for the BSG-type atmosphere) if the Daedalus had come in to distract the Hive Ship at the end and given the Puddle Jumper time to escape. But even so, why does nobody fucking give props to the man and starship that actually makes a difference out there in the Pegasus Galaxy? WTF?...

Bah. Ronon was complaining about invincible Hive Ships the size of cities raining down great Ba'als of fire on his planet, and now that he has a ship of his own to bite back with? He instead does his whole comedy, Bruce Lee routine by shrieking out a girlish war cry by seemingly stabbing himself again in the fucking shrapnel wound? How the fuck is that supposed to help? WTF?...

But I will say one thing, at least. Because for once, just for once, I actually thought Jason Momoa did an amazing job as Ronon...

... and for once, I didn't miss the presence of Lieutenant fucking Ford (except on goddam SG-1, that is)...

In the scene within the cage, where he pointed a knife at his own throat? It could've all made for a hilariously awkward moment, with a fake plastic prop aimed at his gullet in a teen angst sort of Smallville way. But Jason pulled it off, and not in a Jason X sort of manner, but rather in terms of believable intensity, anxiety and loyalty to the rest of his team. Ronon lost everything when the Wraith culled his world, from his wife to his squad (though that's what fucking happens when you stand in the goddam open... motherfucking Smallville morons...), to even his trust in his commander and armies. Yet even before we saw all that through Lost-centric flashbacks, it still somehow felt real that he would sacrifice his own life for the sake of his friends. And that definitely deserves some credit from me, more than I thought I'd ever give to the actor...

As an action hero, Ronon can definitely hold his own against guys like Teal'c (though obviously, Jack Bauer and Patrick Stewart could kick both of their asses at the same damn time, but I digress...). I hated the use of all the wire-fu and Matrix slow-mo animations everywhere, but who here can possibly resist a "very angry" man with fucking unlimited, giant shotgun shells at his disposable? It seems that his 1950's-style world (judging by the hospital and radio broadcasts) didn't quite have the luxury of all those armour piercing and lead shrapnel bullet rounds that our modern P90's do, so his people had to improvise against the Wraith with fucking triple-barrel shotgun shells, each with diameters the size of my fucking fist. Not a fucking bad idea, if I do say so myself...

As much as it pains me to say this, I actually did like the fight choreography of a Ronon fight for once. His battles against the night vision Wraith tracking his ass, weren't just generic bullshit like I've seen from the actor throughout the latter half of the second season, but rather something actually artistic, like Teyla's stick fighting in the first season past. Hell, if I was going to compare Sateda to anything, it's Runner from last season. Not just because of the obvious similarities in plotlines, but from the fact that both episodes showed just so much more potential for the actor than I ever thought before, or ever even seen from any other fucking episode...

Sure, I cringed in agony at the sheer BSG-ness of all the shaky-cam flashback footage of his fucking whiny bitch of a wife, and how the actor so couldn't pull off being a disgruntled wuss when it came to still having that Hawaiian hair of his in the past. But whenever it came to his own current agony, his own wrath against the goddam Wraith, especially in his goddam lopsided 'bout against the Wraith King? Well, sure I was laughing at just how much the latter looked more like a character out of goddam Galaxy Quest than anything else, but still?...

... an Admiral Adama without the stoic presence, kickass voice and an actual fucking personality, mind you...

"Progeny was a great episode, one of the best that Stargate Atlantis has done in years (not that that's saying much)...

It just could've been even more. It could've been one of the best Stargate episodes of all time, if only it weren't so goddam flawed...

Sure, I hated Aurora and shitasstic episodes like that one last year, where the Ancients were made out to be complete goddam, humanized fools. I mean, we're talking about the fucking Ancients here, the Gate-builders, supposedly the most advanced and civilized society in the entire universe of the past thirty fucking million years. And yet they walked around a Star Trek ship wearing spandex and white tights while being tricked by a single goddam Wraith dressed in cleavage. WTF?...

A few have already criticized Progeny for somehow making the Ancients even worse, by being dumbshit enough to first create the Replicators and then presumably destroy them for no good reason whatsoever. A lot of fans in the past actually viewed the Ancients as the pinnacle of evolution and maturity for humanity, yet now see the flaws in their only-human nature, almost like a child realizing that his or her parents aren't exactly goddam perfect. And normally, I would probably be making the same criticisms as well...

But the humanization of the Ancients actually worked in Progeny. They were desperate at a time of war, created a weapon that ended up being far more complex and sentient than they ever originally intended, and had no choice but to mercilessly wipe them out as a result of their failure...

A lot of (wussy girl) fans on the net are crying foul, demanding to know why the once pure and pristine Ancients would just mercilessly bomb the hell out of the poor, defenseless Asurans, as if it were Team America we're dealing with here? But the thing is, if you just recall the goddam virus from Hot Zone, how it preserved Ancient life but killed any human it found, then remember from here that the Ancients were just so damn desperate to wipe out their creations from existence, and finally put two and 7.31 together? Then you get a goddam good idea of what the Asurans' plan was to rid the galaxy of the goddam Wraith infestation in the first place...

The other fault that the fans are absolutely writhing and whining on the net about, was the fact that anyone who has seen Stargate SG-1's Unnatural Selection episode knew exactly how Progeny would end. The same damn thing happened more or less, in which the Stargate team finds a society of human-lookalike machines (Replicators), then uses the trust of one of their more naive (or insightful) ones to fuck over the whole lot of the rest of them. Sure, at least the SGA team was nice enough to take Niam along with them for the ride this time, which is more than I can say for how SG-1 treated good ol' Fifth back in the day. But in the end, the Ancients were dumb (or smart?) enough to betray the Asurans the first time, and now Dr. Weir was being dumbass enough to do it all again? WTF?...

And why the fuck did she take only Niam, leaving those two fucking Asuran females seeking ascension behind? Is Dr. Weir really that fucking horny, that she fucking just wants a personal sex machine of her own? She already has Teyla as a sex toy, yet she wants more? Couldn't Weir at least have taken that half hot robot bitch for herself as well? WTF?...

Dr. Weir was absolutely the weakest link in the nanite chain on the show for the umpteenth time. She was a moron in her decisions, as what the fuck kind of diplomacy was overloading the ZPMs and nuking the whole city to hell (which should've blown up the planet with Atlantis on it too, at least)? She screws over the Asurans, who you can be assured (get it?... oh, nevermind) will return and bite us back in the ass. She screws over her potential allies in the Asuran community, who were promising to help in the fight against the Wraith as long as we don't lose their trust. And then she was just dumbass enough to stand there as Niam was probably sucking the life out of her with nanites...

Goddammit, choke that goddam bitch for me. She already chokes from all the goddam cocks she sucks on the base, so why care? What's the difference? She once got it from Narim, so why not from Niam? WTF?...

And oh yes, then she was dumb enough not to send the Puddle Jumper back to blow Niam up in space with a goddam drone. WTF?...

... sigh... at least she'll always have Teyla there at night to comfort her goddam holes and wounds...

WTF was wrong with Teyla in Progeny as well? Since when did she actually grow a brain? First, she was the first to really notice that something was off about the Asurans, and then she had the nerve to make the SGA team seem cheap for only "finding" the city ship of Atlantis. And then the fucking village girl actually had the knowledge and know-how to lecture Rodney about nanite computers and fucking electro-magnetic pulses? Has she been sleeping up the corporate ladder or something? What the fuck has Dr. Weir been whispering in her ear at night? WTF?...

There were definitely flaws in Progeny, preventing it from ever reaching the highest level of Atlantian evolution like Rising, The Siege, Critical Mass, and maybe even The Storm did. I definitely did get a sense of deja vu throughout the episode, as Rodney even used the old Obi-Daniel Kenobi trick of freezing all the Replicators in place. Hell, McKay even talked about the Asurans as if they were the human-form Replicators from back in SG-1, which I suppose they were at the core...

But thankfully, despite all the mistakes the writers made with this episode (Dr. Weir and Teyla being two of them, as always...)? Stargate Atlantis managed to put enough spin and special effects on the reborn Replicators, that they really did feel fresh, invigorating, and more importantly, more threatening and vicious than the machines ever felt over on Stargate SG-1...

We are now dealing with the true original Replicators here, and thank God for that. All the dumbass T-1000 Replicarter effects have been removed (well, except for the passing through the door thing...), replaced with a more sophisticated and mature society that rivals the Ancients in every way (and then some). As much as we were reminded of their links to the Replicators (which makes sense now, why the Ancient repository downloaded into O'Neill's mind would have immediate knowledge of how to neutralize Replicator blocks), these weren't really Replicators we were dealing with here, but rather evil Ancients. They want to ascend, they want to better themselves, but they have an Ori-like rage to them preventing them from ever being more. That was what was far more interesting to me than any of their dumbass hand-in-the-head bullshit moments of badassness...

Although what the fuck was wrong with the intelligence of the nanites? Why was it that their supposed most "effective and efficient" form, was that of an old, fat bastard? If I was an Ancient, I would be staring too at the cluelessness of my creations forming into a fucking obese, morose (or Moros?) motherfucker. WTF?...

Either way, who here didn't at least feel a bit of a rush or a small tingle up and down their spine, at the first sight of the Asuran city? The CG effects in Progeny were amazing, as not only was I absolutely floored and wowed by the Kryptonian-like metropolis and society of the Replicators, but by the kickass effects of their city ship rising into space and warping into hyperspace. I wasn't nearly as taken back by the sight of the fifteen or more Aurora-class warships beating the living shit out of the hapless Asurans in flashbacks, as something just looked a bit off with the green screen effects there with fucking Dr. Weir. But the feeling of sheer shock and awe returned once again at the sight of the Asuran city ship in orbit around Atlantis, as the CG team and crew really shone and outdid themselves with everything they did in Progeny...

Right from the get-go, John Sheppard was his whole suave and badass self, never really trusting a race that doesn't invite the fucking car (not even a fucking Ford Mustang? WTF?). I loved both his diplomacy and his contempt for the aristocratic high council when it came to their ignorance of the Wraith and human life, and you gotta feel bad for the poor guy when he was willing to sacrifice his life to destroy Atlantis at the end of his own little mental fairytale. I knew it was all a dream sequence, but that didn't make the destruction of the city any less fantastic to me. John Sheppard really acted like a strong team leader in Progeny, right up to the point where he was dumb enough to use P90 bullets instead of fucking Asuran energy weapons against goddam nanite machines, that is...

But even so? Come on now, who here at least doesn't love a good ol' arbitrary number?...

Or is he trying to say that the whore is a 7-11, always open 24/7? But bah, whatever...

Ronon didn't do much in the background in Progeny, but I was surprised at how effective he was nonetheless. Obviously, his little energy weapon (wherever he got it, as it was never explained in Sateda) did the only damage done to the Replicaters, and he looked damn badass when doing his little spins and fancy twirls on the ground to get a shot off. The thing that actually got me though, was how much he stressed the whole "family takes care of each other" thing when pissing off the Asuran high council. As cheesy and campy as a line as that was, it actually worked in regards with what happened to the guy last week...

The true star of the show is always Rodney McKay though. Even he admitted in the episode that maybe he should just start going on away missions by his lonesome self, and can you blame him? In just one episode, not only was he deemed smart enough to actually correct the mistakes in programming code that the Ancients themselves could not (or would not) fix, but he also found a loophole to stop all the Replicators in their tracks, blowing up an entire fucking Asuran city ship in the process. How the fuck can't he considered both the brains, the brawn, and the fucking Jack Bauer Rambo of the series then?...

I do wish that Progeny had more comedy in it than there was, but the combination of Rodney's arbitrary numbers and his complete lack of patience in terms of metaphysical debate still had me laughing in poker spades. Really, as a complete techie here, I was drooling right alongside Rodney whenever it came to the sight of the Asuran metropolis and the thought that they could create ZPM's for us at any given hour of the day. Not only that, but as hokey as his lines of dialogue may have been, David Hewlett really did help establish a believable connection between the Asurans and their Replicator brethren successors back on SG-1...

It really does make the mind ponder, whether Merlin recreated the damn nanite-machines in the Milky Way, as a weapon against the human followers of the Ori or some sort of crap like that. The Ancients may not have been evil in my eyes, but they were definitely damn litter bugs. They left the galaxy-devastating weapon on Dakara for Anubis to use at any moment, they left the Asurans to potentially destroy all human life in the Pegasus Galaxy, and I wouldn't be surprised if they accidentally created the Goa'uld as a cure for the Ori plague. If Merlin created a weapon against the ascended Ori themselves, why not develop a relentless AI that would actually use the technology that the Ori give their followers against them? Makes perfect sense to me, as originally the Replicators would never attack a planet as primitive as the earth back then or Camelot. But alas, it would all turn out to be yet another blotch on the goddam resume of Ancient experiments gone bad...

And yes, the writers did make some mistakes with Progeny. If only it hadn't been such a carbon copy of SG-1, and if only Dr. Weir hadn't been such a goddam dumbass whore of a bitch, then maybe this episode wouldn't just go down with one of the best of Atlantis, but also one of the best of Stargate of all time?...

Either way though, Atlantis now has an enemy that actually feels threatening, an opponent with technology that we simply have no answer to. While obviously SG-1 already has that feeling with the Ori (who's technology so far has seemed far superior to that of the Asurans), it's nice to finally get a much needed break from the worthless Wraith and Genii of SGA, and actually get an enemy with actual teeth and raw ruthless aggression for once...

Progeny was a great episode, one of the best that Stargate Atlantis has done in years (not that that's saying much)...

Yes, sure it could've been so much more, just like the Asurans wish that they could become so much more...

True, Progeny never quite reached that level of ascension. But it was still a damn fine episode...

... and a great set-up to what is already becoming an epic season of Stargate Atlantis..."

How the fuck could an episode this damn shitty ever be allowed to follow up on Stargate SG-1's 200th episode of all time? This episode may have had a few redeeming moments, but it was pretty much overall just as bad as the goddam reality show of the same goddam name...

Now, as the noname wannabe psychologist over here, I normally have a soft spot in my heart for Sci-Fi episodes such as this, where reality is called into question and the whole series is portrayed as a hallucination. I absolutely loved when it was done on Buffy the Vampire Slayer during Normal Again, and I certainly do respect what the writers did with all the episodes where Captain Sisko found himself in a mental institution outside of Deep Space 9...

It's just that, none of those episodes concentrated on goddam bloody hell Dr. Weir of all people...

Sure, we got the unbridled benefit of seeing her in pajamas and hospital clothing practically the whole way through, two of my own personal fetishes, thank you very much. But really, were we supposed to be impressed with Torri's acting chops or some shit like that? I suppose she did a decent job of seeming dazed and confused as hell when she first met Jack O'Neill in the asylum, but that's pretty much the only good thing I can say about her performance...

And why the fuck did the writers choose to waste a special guest appearance by Richard Dean Anderson? Instead of bringing him onboard in Uninvited or properly using his presence in SG-1's 200, the writers got him to play a complete boring and foobar version of himself in The Real World instead? Except for a few brief Jackism moments where he fantasized about being fantasized about, did the man even get any decent goddam lines? I know the actor was already on the Stargate set and all, but why bother reducing the greatest character that Stargate has ever known, to simply pretending to be the real O'Neill while conning Dr. Weir into some goddam waste of an old skool treaty negotiation?...

And it's not like any of the other characters on the Atlantis set really got anything to do. Dr. McKay had his brief moment to shine by stealing one from Dr. Beckett, and at least the Scottsman provided the best (and only) decent scene of the episode by blasting away at those little nanite buggers with EMP. But besides those rare glimpses of actual humour and levity in the episode, what the fuck was there to go by? Ronon was a statue on the backdrop of the wall, Sheppard was a complete moron by sacrificing himself just in the faint hope that Dr. Weir could actually hear him bitch, and Teyla of course was ghastly concerned over the welfare of the one and only bitch in the city that actually fucks her and promotes her on a nightly basis...

Nobody on the cast got a real chance to act. Instead, this was the Dr. Weir goddam reality show. And goddammit, did we ever learn that either the writers just plain suck at writing for her character? Or that Torri Higginson really was brought on much more for her bust than her brains...

How many bullshots did we get of her just running through overly bullish and bluish corridors, as if that was all supposed to be thrilling? We were forced to endure God knows how many worthless sessions of that psychologist guy putting his own Spin on the City of Atlantis, when we damn well knew that nothing we were seeing was real. At least in Buffy's Normal Again (and arguably in Deep Space 9 as well), we were left with questions about what really was real in the end, whether the series was not just entirely a figment in the character's minds but also in our own as well. But what threat was there to really give a shit about in The Real World, except for the fear that this was indeed the bullshit that the writers actually give a damn about?...

Did we even get to really learn anything about Weir, except that she has a busted watch and some worthless mother she abandoned long ago? Did we really get anything else out of both the actress and the character, other that they just mutually both suck each other's asses?...

While I wish I could give two thumbs up and two major general stars to any episode with Jack O'Neill in it, I just couldn't even give a shit about him phoning in yet another performance in yet another episode that really doesn't matter one damn bit in the grand scheme of things...

Because in the real world? In the real world, this episode would've never made it past the scripting stages...

... let alone be allowed to follow up on Stargate SG-1's 200th episode of all bloody hell time..."

"After the debacle that can only be known as The Real World, I was absolutely shocked and floored that I could ever find common ground with the Atlantis writers ever again...

And yet here we are, with not only a great Stargate Atlantis episode on our hands this week, but also one of the most morally satisfying stories that I think I've ever experienced in a Sci-Fi show since Star Trek last left the air...

If anything? Common Ground was more about the real world around us than almost any other Atlantis episode before it. There are just so many direct parallels to real world events, of terrorism and having to ally with former enemies, and of proving just once more that we never leave our men behind. Hell, if only it was Jack Bauer (aka God) kicking the ass of the Genii here in this episode, I would've sworn I was watching an hour of bloody hell 24...

Didn't it just seem all too familiar, watching cheap ass analog signals from a small faction of an alien nation, as some terrorist from their former government tortures one of our people until his demands are made? The thing is, the parallels to real life didn't feel forced or out of place or any of that bullshit, but rather actually fit in perfectly with what we know of the Genii and especially what we knew about the Wraith. It was great seeing Commander Kolya back, and he was truly a more ruthless enemy here than he ever was before. Sure, almost all of his lines to Dr. Weir were straight out of the Russian dummies guide to terrorism or some crap like that, but it was still amazing and perhaps even genuinely threatening to see him go through with the whole Wraith thing, sucking the life out of poor John Sheppard...

And I was honestly shocked that Dr. Weir didn't cave in to Kolya's demands. I may hate the Weir character for almost every single stupid ass decision she makes for the expedition team, but I can honestly say that I can't disagree with her decision here. Sure, she mentioned that the official policy of the United States is to never bow down to terrorist demands, but I never actually expected her out of all whiny bitches to actually adhere to such a policy. I really kinda expected her to fold in some way, perhaps try to pull out of her ass some sort of cheap lame ass delaying tactic using Ladon as bait. But instead, she did what any real natural born leader would do, and that's to do everything in her goddam power to get her man back without ever once getting down on her knees...

... which is normally what she does with every fucking man and woman on the base, but I digress...

And yes, I definitely think it shows that Dr. Weir is normally the fucking village bicycle around those parts, when Teyla's only real contribution to this episode was patting Weir on the back when it came to her decision of letting Ladon go. Then again, Teyla wasn't the only character who failed to have a fair chance to shine in Common Ground, as Dr. Beckett was merely there in the Puddle Jumper for the ride, and Ronon barely got to repay the favour to Sheppard for when he was captured by the Wraith in Sateda...

I always love Dr. McKay, and he really always brings the best of humour out of the series. I loved how he was complaining to Teyla that he was already running at his top speed during the teaser of the episode, and the Sheppardism speech he gave to the Marines was heart-warming and definitely reassuring, to say the least. I just wish that the writers would be a bit more consistent in his so-called heroism though, since it kind of stuck out like a soar thumb how he got freaked out by a bloody hell mouse here in Common Ground, even after all the times he's stared down the Wraith at the barrel of a gun. I probably did chuckle at that moment of Mice and McKay, but it just didn't seem like it fit in with his current character anymore, you know?...

I still remember how much I loved Rodney way back in the first season, when his love for the nuclear bomb and the Canadian Science Fair made Underground into one of the most well written episodes of the entire series at the time. The Genii started out as boring villains to me, but Kolya proved without a shadow of a doubt in The Eye that he was a ruthless son of a bitch, and Ladon in Coup D'Etat last year showed that the writers really do bring out the best in each other when writing for the conniving Genii group. The same goes for Common Ground here, as even though Ladon was mainly just a background prop? I was still fascinated by not just his honesty towards the Atlantis team about his betrayal of Kolya, but also how much loyalty he repaid Dr. Weir with by giving the coordinates to the planet that Sheppard was being held on...

Common Ground was all about loyalty, whether it was Ladon to his alliance or Dr. Weir to her principles. But absolutely what made this episode into the best standalone hour in either Stargate series this year so far, was the fact that not only did we get to learn the true nature of Colonel John Sheppard, but also that of the Wraith as well...

This was perhaps Joe Flannigan's best damn acting performance in the history of the show. This was his episode to shine, and did he ever prove without a shadow of a doubt that he is no longer in Jack O'Neill's shadow. He took it blow by blow from both Kolya and the Wraith, yet he never gave up hope or the drive to escape. He showed clear level-headedness, allying himself with his enemy, and even got to flip a Genii soldier flat on his back as a fucking old man. John Sheppard may be no Jack Bauer, but I'd be hard pressed to find a fucking 60 year old who could fucking take out an entire Genii battalion like he could...

Sheppard wasn't just a supreme badass in Common Ground, but rather his old charming self with a hell of a lot more common sense than if he were normal again. We may not have gotten any direct references to his time in Afghanistan, how he refused to leave anyone behind, but you could tell from just the way he presented himself in the entirety of this episode as to exactly what kind of real man he is. No matter how much pain he was in, no matter how old and frail his bones may have become, he still had the fire in him to basically spit in the face of the Wraith and dare him to "finish it". Even when faced with insurmountable odds, he still chose to crack jokes about Kolya liking him best, and was absolutely the man on the show yet again when it to came to comic relief in the most desperate of situations...

And as for the Wraith? For once, Sheppard didn't name a Wraith, simply because this one actually deserved his respect. The Wraith as a species of an enemy has always been sissy on the show in the past, seemingly going down from just a mere bullet grazing their skin or two, but what always bothered me the most about them was that their characters were so damn two dimensional. They hissed, they cried, and they fed, but that was about it. They were space vampires, plain and simple, but without any of the history or backstory that makes the vampire stories of this day and age into anything damn worth getting into...

Things completely changed with the noname Wraith though. He was willing to put aside his hunger, to bite his tongue from the sensation of burning within, to do what was needed to escape with Sheppard. Here we had a Wraith, that not only respected the Colonel as a "brother", but also was damn smart enough to somehow grasp the concepts of comic relief and levity. We had an actual three dimensional villain here, who not only was willing to risk his life just to see the stars as a free creature once again, but was even willing to give Sheppard the "Gift of Life" without ever truly believing that we humans would honour our side of the bargain. It almost reminded me all of a classic Star Trek sort of episode, in a Kirk and Gorn sort of romantic way...

So many times in the history of Stargate Atlantis the expedition crew has screwed over everyone around them, spinning shit around just in the hope that the goddam City of the Ancients would remain untouched. Hell, you don't even have to look any further than with Michael this year for an example, as Dr. Weir screwed him over not just once but fucking twice, even after he willingly gave himself over and betrayed his Queen. WTF?...

In Common Ground, the writers finally found some common ground with all of us viewers out there, who were screaming at our television sets for our protagonists to finally have some actual honesty, dignity and common bloody hell sense. And here in this episode, we finally saw our characters as the noble heroes that they should be, giving us an actual reason to like them for once. Dr. Weir refused to give Ladon over to Kolya against his will, Sheppard's team refused to give up any hope that they wouldn't find him, and who here would've actually thunk a year ago that John Sheppard and a Wraith being buddy-buddy would turn into one of the best damn standalone episodes of Atlantis of all time?...

In the real world, this would've been the proper episode to follow up the 200th episode of Stargate SG-1...

Because for a series where I've been a fucking loyal watcher for ten years in a row and counting?...

The only question is, will I still feel this way for the Atlantis episodes of rest of the season?...

Because starting the week after, the moment that the writers and I meet again?...

Why is it that every episode with the word of "McKay" in it, ends up being exceptional and completely memorable in the end? WTF?...

But it's just that, David Hewlett really is the best damn actor on Stargate Atlantis, and the character of Rodney McKay really is the best damn personality that either Stargate series has ever produced since Jack O'Neill and Daniel Jackson were first introduced. And not only did we get our own fair helping of Rodney McKay in this episode, but we got a double serving with both his alternate universe doppleganger and his sister too in the end. So how the fuck can I possibly complain?...

Although I do have one small nitpick, however. I mean seriously, who the fuck did the casting for Rodney McKay's sister? Not only did they completely not have any of the chemistry of a real brother and sister relationship whatsoever, not only did she completely not resemble what Rodney's real sister would look like in the imagination, but the actress born and raised in Canada couldn't even pronounce "sorry, eh" probably in the right sort of cute, Canadian way. WTF?...

Well, alright, so maybe casting Kate Hewlett as David Hewlett's sister on the show was kind of brilliant. Now, the latter actor may kick my ass for this, but I did kind of wish that his sister looked a little bit slimmer on the camera at the hips than she actually did (though I guess she had motherly hips), considering this is Stargate Atlantis starring John "Kirk" Sheppard afterall. But getting that out of the way, Kate really does have a beautiful face, she really does have a voluptuous smile and an infectious bubbly personality, and I really did love her performance her in McKay and Mrs. Miller. So much to the point, that I actually do wish she would come back to the show for an encore...

... well, as long as we get Lt. Cadman there too to, you know, help Jeannie feel more at home... ahem...

But even without hot, smokin' lesbian sex (which we get enough of from Dr. Weir and Teyla anyhew)? I really, really, ridiculously enjoyed the first half of this episode (and pretty much the latter half as well), simply because of all the sibling quips between Rodney and his sister. The "sorry" comment with Carter instantly comes to mind, and you gotta love a sibling rivalry where that Jeannie bitch mocked her big bro when it came to solving theoretical physics in her spare time with goddam fingerpaints. Who here didn't at least snicker when Rodney was slapped on the arm for "starting" the war with the Wraith? And c'mon, considering the man destroyed an entire solar system back in Trinity? Rodney sure took it like a real man on his chin when it came to all his faults and failures being listed like a goddam phone book for all to hear here in this episode...

You know, I absolutely hated Trinity back in season two, but perhaps that was always because there was never a real book-end to all the crap that happened to McKay then and there? McKay and Mrs. Miller in essence was a spiritual sequel to the time he blew up an entire goddam solar system, and not only did that bring extra meaning to this week's show, but it made Trinity into a much better episode as well. I personally very much enjoyed McKay and Mrs. Miller for bringing some real closure to the events that transpired last year, where Rodney actually apologized for losing the trust and affection of his team. He may not have earned it all back in season three just quite yet, but his realization of an epiphany here that he was truly not the greatest guy in the face of the universe (or the multiverse, really) just somehow felt like a brilliant epilogue to what was once a hated episode of mine just one year ago...

McKay and Mrs. Miller was a great character piece, and I knew it from the very moment that Rodney got that little bitch of Madison hugging his legs. Part of the reason why I enjoyed it so was obviously from the sense of wonder and bewilderment on Jeannie's face the whole way through, as I always seem to have a thing for episodes where somebody discovers the Stargate program (see my SG-1 review for Covenant, if you don't believe me). Kate Hewlett did an absolutely fantastic job in seeming like absolutely the most adorable deer in the headlights at the sight of being in orbit around earth, flying through subspace, or witnessing a Roswell gray alien go "yay or nay". And meanwhile, Rodney himself was discovering a whole lot of shit himself, not just when it came to his sister and her family, but also within himself as only a doppleganger can truly bring out...

Actually, I think McKay and Mrs. Miller actually hit me on a more personal note, which is why I somehow actually felt a tear shrug at the corner of my eye when it was all said and done. This wasn't just an episode trying to fill in the blanks from Trinity (and Letters from Pegasus), but rather about Rodney's entire life ever since he was a child. I laughed along with the rest of the SGA team when it came to the cruel jokes about bedwetting and shit like that, and Samantha Carter's best fucking moment in either Stargate episode this week came when the name of "Meredith Rodney McKay" was finally revealed. But all the mocking was done really at the expense of McKay, and while obviously I laughed along with the rest of the cast and crew, I couldn't help but notice that I was sadly laughing at myself...

Sure, I've never quite had the girl of my dreams make fun of my name of goddam "Ivan", but I've had my fair share of bullies in the past, giving me wedgies and having weird fetishes with my underpants all at the same time. I've had friends and family in the modern day who reveal secrets about me that obviously I've tried to relieve myself of through my webpages, but are secrets that still sting me to this day depending on who they're told to. I've had nasty embarrassing moments divulged to coworkers, as just the other week I was the bunt of all the jokes in my own little corner of the office. It's not so fun being me, of not just being a geek, but rather the fucking loser nerd that even the rest of the computer geeks in my school always used to pick on. I'm the bottom of the barrel when it comes to the echelon of losers, believe it or not. And McKay and Mrs. Miller wasn't just a great character piece for Rodney, but rather something rather personal for me as well. Go figure...

I dunno, but almost everything in this episode just seemed to click for everyone's most arrogant hero. He got some great screentime in with Carter, belittling her intelligence yet obviously showing great respect and comraderieship with her for the first time in the series. He got to experience both the joy and pain of goddam tofu chicken (not a favourite of mine) in the household of his sister, while forgetting to bring that ol' chocolate gift of his for the children yet again. He finally started to mend the relationship with Jeannie as the episode wore on, only to have his perfect duplicate of a double from an alternate universe appear and pretty much prove to him just how cruel of a brother he turned out to be, and how nice of a person he could've been if only different decisions had been made. Afterall, the Rodney's from both universes had both been named "Meredith", but only one grew distrusting enough of his family and friends to the point where he couldn't even stand the sight of the group whooping it up without him in the Atlantis cafeteria anymore...

The rest of the cast took a step back in McKay and Mrs. Miller to obviously the two stars starring in the title of the episode itself, but I was still impressed with what we got. Dr. Weir was still a fucking bitch who kept her eye on Jeannie from ever making on a move on her Teyla, but I guess she made probably the same decisions as I would've made in her shoes this episode. Teyla finally got the onus of the mockery passed onto her with the whole "cute Marine" shit at the end, which got me chuckling if only because we know the real truth about her and Dr. Weir. And Ronon seemed a bit off, as his little Coolio relationship with Rod from the alternate universe seemed so forced to the point where apparently, the guy from Sateda gets pussy whipped by any character sporting leather and a funky gel hair-do. Sure, it seemed a bit stale and low budget to always be seeing these characters sitting in the same spots in the cafeteria with their generic and forced laughs, but the meaning of the episode still managed to shine through...

McKay proved it in this episode that he really does trust Sheppard as a friend. Actually, both McKays proved it really, as I for one (or 'fore' one) was excited as hell to see the return of golf and the backswing in Stargate for the first time since Window of Opportunity. Poor Sheppard was first shot down by our McKay for being 'Kirk' (and yes, I saw that look in his eye too), then was reduced to pure embarrassment when apparently his alternate self did join the MENSA club and has goddam all nighters with the nerds. Hell, even as the loser that I am, I would probably beat him up for his goddam lunch money at that point. WTF?...

But besides all the great scenes that Rodney had with his sister? Absolutely the most fantastic and touching of them all was actually with Sheppard, simply when the man was spitting and shining and shoe polishing his iron golf clubs with a goddam toothbrush, in the midst of the glory of the Atlantian shoreline outside his window and the poster of Led Zeppelin in his room. Even if John didn't say much that scene, just seeing him be patient as hell as Rodney basically spoke to himself, really spoke volumes of the kind of trust that these two characters have for each other. He let Rodney discover the truth on his own, simply because Rodney wouldn't have accepted it from anyone else...

And it really was touching for Sheppard to actually show Jeannie at the end the message that Rodney had filmed for her two years back in Letters from Pegasus. It was little moments like Rodney's confession in season one that made that year into one of the best damn seasons of Stargate in either series' entire history. And the return of that speech here in this week's episode, really did help to make season three match the first stellar season of the interstellar show in every facet (or 'faucet') of a way...

Now of course, there were a few flaws with this episode that I didn't quite like. For instance, I didn't particularly mind that the writers lost their Deus Ex Machina of the ZPM in the end, but I would've preferred if it had gone down in a blaze of glory in a far more plot pivotal episode instead. Zelenka was great in his role as a scientist, noting that Rodney loves to "push the button", but he didn't do much else except seem impressed that Rodney's sister actually had manners. And where the fuck was Carson, who is supposed to be McKay's best friend on the base next to Sheppard? Even if we never did get a heart to heart talk between the both of them, it would've been nice for Beckett to at least have been introduced to Jeannie, considering the doc is a regular on the series, is he not?...

But I don't know, all things considered and all good things, I still ended up loving this episode perhaps far more than I should have, if only because I was able to connect to Rodney's thoughts and predicament in the solidary way that only I guess only goddam geeks can...

And yes, Mr. and Mrs. Will Smith was indeed (and sadly) a good movie. An action oriented Stargate Atlantis episode in turn (with the requisite lesbianism), would've also been great in any week...

But somehow, it's the quiet little thoughtful episodes like McKay and Mrs. Miller that I end up remembering with grace four years down the road. It's the episodes such as this week's, that really make me not just remember the characters and not just remember the plot, but remind me of just why I fell in love with the series in the goddam first place...

Because I dunno, sure I do love my action flicks along with that pathetic hook in my backswing, but really?...

And truth be told? I was actually quite impressed with Phantoms. Because just like with almost every other episode in the third season of Atlantis (with Misbegotten being the one damn exception), Phantoms was well acted, well scripted and definitely had a strong sense of team bonding. There was great comic relief at times, and we finally got some much needed backstory on the personalities and inner thoughts of nearly every main cast member on the team...

Is it because I've seen it all before so many times? You know, the kinds of stories where some alien device or some spatial anomaly starts affecting the minds of the main cast members of a Sci-Fi series, has been seriously done to death. Hell, at first while watching Phantoms, I could've sworn I was rewatching Colonel Maybourne and Jack O'Neill going at each other's throats in Paradise Lost or some sixth season crap like that. Obviously, the concept of this episode has been overdone in the past, but the execution of Phantoms still surprised me with just how much depth it actually gave each and every character...

Because, okay, maybe not every character was done justice. Dr. Weir was still a fucking moronic bitch, never even once contemplating the thought of sending a damn Puddle Jumper for the rescue. Sure, she didn't realize what the fuck was going on, or why the UAV (they have those in Atlantis now?) was seemingly shot down by who knows what. But a Puddle Jumper has the ability to not just evacuate a team into the safety of space, but also has the fire-power to fucking blow almost any damn enemy out of the sky. It sure could've helped here, no matter what the circumstance, considering the SGA team was being tentacle raped in the mind by simply a fucking Wraith experiment gone wrong...

But besides the usual bitch back on the base? Well, except for the fact that her own bitch of Teyla somehow was smart enough to figure out the fucking computer that Rodney had been using on the Wraith device all episode long, I didn't mind the other woman on the show. It was about bloody menstrating time that Teyla felt the pain of one of earth's bullets, considering we gave her a fucking P90 long ago without ever once considering that she didn't even know back then what the fuck it does. And the thing is, while it was horribly painful at times to listen to her whine to "John" as the damsel in distress all episode long, she did play a key role in the end by playing to his hallucinations and getting him to pull the umbilical cord on the Wraith device. I actually found the friendship between her and Sheppard, even when he was in a state of utter bongified stupidity, to actually be kind of touching in the end...

We were promised some more backstory on Colonel Sheppard, which I don't think we really got. We did get some awesome cinematography of the desert landscapes of Afghanistan however (or the beaches of Vancouver... whatever), and I really did enjoy just how much work was put into making an authentic wartorn atmosphere into the series. But as for his actual history with Captain Hollands' Opus, we learned absolutely nothing new about Sheppard or his "supposed black mark in Afghanistan". What we did learn though, was that even in his hallucinatory state of mind, he actually saw Teyla as his close friend, the one he risked both his life and his career over in a desperate attempt to save...

Meanwhile, Sheppard saw Ronon as Taliban and Ronon saw Sheppard as Wraith. And we actually witnessed through Ronon's eyes that both Teyla and McKay were still human, and that he was simply protecting them from the threat of being fed upon. He saw the same shit in Lieutenant Leonard as well, which begs the question of whether a) Ronon is truly a man's man, or b) he's gay for Wraith. Either way, while we didn't learn anything new about his backstory or whatever, we did learn that he does see himself as the action-hero protector of the people, while Sheppard seems to have a deep-rooted fear of both abandonment and leaving his friends behind. And both of those mini-epiphanies if you will, were pretty damn cool...

It was also damn awesome for the writers to finally dust off those ol' Kull Warrior Super Soldier costumes, even though they didn't make absolutely any sense in the context of the episode. But whatever, we got a Major Leonard who not only blew the Stargate DHD apart with C4 but blew himself up with a friggin' frag grenade. How the fuck can you possibly not cheer and roar like a real man at logic such as his?...

On the flip side of things, we learned absolutely nothing new about McKay, except for the fact that he had no ill aftereffects from smoking pot except for an irresistible urge to hear Teal'c go, "Yo, Wonderbread". His hallucinations really didn't show anything of his personality at all, except perhaps his underlying fear that he will eventually fail at science and that his mistakes would ultimately cost the team. Of course, how the fuck can't I still love the guy for whining like a little bitch first about being shot in the ass with an arrow, and then later with a bullet by Sheppard to the gut? Phantoms at times really did take itself too seriously as an episode, but McKay was always there for the comic relief save as always...

Now, the guy who's rarely ever there on the series has always been Dr. Beckett, and I was pleasantly surprised that not only did he get so much worthwhile screentime in Phantoms, but that his character actually went through a hell of a lot of personal discovery as well. Beckett described the experience as the most unsettling thing he has ever lived through. And besides the fact that he dealt with The Thing (Part 2) on the series when it came Kagen coming back from the grave, I kind of agree with his fucked up assessment of the situation. Because to be honest, even after all those fucking times I watched A Beautiful Mind, I still didn't suspect for the longest time that that black red shirt, Sargeant guy here really was the first to die (even if the black brother is always written by law to be the first to die). And you could really see it in Beckett's eyes by the end, that it was killing him inside knowing that his own fear and obsession about saving Kagen's life probably led to that other random red shirt being left alone and unattended to on the floor, bleeding to a cold and painful cot of a death...

... well, now that I ain't high, I stand corrected... Ben Affleck was not da bomb in that...

Now, couldn't Dr. Beckett have just left that asshole to die instead? I think the rest of the world would have definitely approved...

And yes, I definitely do approve of Phantoms, from an wannabe-writer's point of view at least. The script was strong, the cinematography was inspired, and the actors all brought their A-game...

... I just couldn't really give a shit about the plot and thick of it though, that's all...

Now sure, maybe it's just the Wraith device talking, but I swear I've seen it all before...

... or maybe it's that fucking jab with a ring in the arm that's finally fucking over my brain...

And The Return? While obviously as the action nutjob that I am, I can't completely say that I was satisfied with what we were given by Stargate Atlantis this week? I can fairly say that I did enjoy The Return, enough to call it my episode of the week...

How the fuck can't I love an episode that started out with the geeky as hell premise of an intergalactic gate network bridge, and capped it all off with an even geekier segment based on goddam World of Warcraft? And how the fuck can't I love an episode where The Ancients returned, although I still have a hell of a lot of doubts in my mind as to whether they were real Ancients or not...

Doesn't it seem far too convenient that a ship from ten thousand years ago, travelling at only 0.999c, would somehow manage to head straight for the docking station point of the brand new spanking intergalactic gate network? The Ancients sure didn't seem very "Ancienty" to me, as they were complete and pure goddam dumbasses the whole way through, enough to not even be able to raise their city shield in time. If anything, I'd expect them to actually be Asurans in disguise, as obviously from our prior encounter that either a) the Replicators are able to fool our PSP life sense detectors, or b) we're just too damn dumb to take ten damn seconds to scan the Ancients and see what the fuck they're made of. So why can't the Asurans pull the same trick on us twice? The only question is...

If these weren't Ancients in an actual wartorn Aurora-class warship, then why the fuck would the Asurans want to let us earthlings peacefully leave Atlantis? Perhaps the Replicators really have no quarrel with us, and simply wanted to stage a bloodless coup of either taking over Atlantis or destroying it, and fooling us into never returning to the Pegasus Galaxy ever again? It would certainly explain why they suddenly chose now to attack Atlantis with one ship, instead of just doing it weeks ago before the Ancients ever arrived back in the city. And if the Ancients really are Asurans in pretense, then it would explain why the Atlantis directors recasted Linea, the destroyer of worlds from way back in Stargate SG-1's season three, as goddam Helia of the useless Ancient warship...

Then again, why bother taking Woolsey and General O'Neill captive if the Replicators didn't actually want to harm us? What if those really were real flesh and blood Ancients in the city of Atlantis, and they were simply too damn dumbass to do anything right, just as if they had been written into Before I Sleep in the first place? WTF?...

But forgetting about all the Ancients, the title of "The Return" has far less to do with the Ancestors returning to Atlantis, as it does about the Atlantis expedition team returning home. The only question is, what is "home" for them? Because things sure felt a hell of a lot different here than it did back in that shitty ass first season episode of the same damn name...

There was essentially no action in The Return, aside from just General O'Neill sending a little data burst home, claiming that the Replicators were storming the city. Instead, this episode was entirely a character piece, and it was a damn good one at that. We got to see the effect it had on every single member of the cast of being ousted from their home of Atlantis. And to be honest, I enjoyed this episode far more than I ever would've thought if I had known in the first place, that the return of the Ancients was actually the B-plot of the goddam show...

You know an episode somehow captured my attention and imagination, when even Elizabeth Weir seemed like a real human being with feelings and emotions that for once didn't just seem to belong to some goddam bar bitch. It was weird as hell seeing her curled and furled up in a ball like a teenage girl who had just lost her prom date, but it was also cute and human as hell to see her unable to let go of the best years of her life. She was damn hot (the hottest she's ever been) in just a little jacket and jump suit in her own little apartment, and it just seemed to perfectly fit her character to a T (T for titty...) that she would go into hiding and recluse after being the leader of all the humans in another galaxy. After being a bitch for so long, it's nice to notice that perhaps (just maybe) she was only putting up a pretense for the job...

... well, faking shit or not, that would mean that she's still really a bitch, but whatever...

And seriously, since when has Torri Higginson ever gotten to be funny? I may hate Dr. Lee with a passion, but goddam did I ba'al out laughing this week at the mere mention of World of Warcraft. Seeing a girl as hot as Dr. Weir flirt with a complete and utter gaming nerd like Dr. Lee was simply hilarious, if only because she had no fucking clue what the fuck she was saying, and if only because it gave me fucking hope for the future of my lonesome self...

I don't care how hot and flirty she may have been. I just don't date bitches who don't get video games. I have standards. End of story...

Maybe that's just me. But even so, what the fuck was wrong with Dr. Lee? Trying to flirt back with a girl over that worthless pile of shit of an excuse of a MMORPG game? WTF?...

Because completely unlike The Quest over on SG-1 this past week, not only did Atlantis actually have some real comic relief, but it also somehow reproduced the feeling of a real SG-1 episode more than its parent show managed to do this week. WTF?...

But it's true. Because with the entire expedition team back on earth, the first sightings of actual Zat gun in Atlantis, the moment of Siler getting his ass whooped for the thousandth time in the series, and of course General fucking Landry sucking darth balls the entire episode through? How was this not supposed to be an SG-1 episode then? How the fuck can't I admit that Atlantis was both ironically the best episode of the week, and the best SG-1 episode of the week as well?...

Why is it that Richard Dean Anderson has been guest starring more in the spin-off than he ever seems to do on the actual series he used to produce and own? Sure, he seemed to phone in his performance mostly here in The Return, but it was still great to see him back nonetheless. Right off the bat, I felt a welcome warmth of Jackism (if that sounds good) at his comment about "maidens and voyages". Sure, he got his ass kicked by Replicators yet again, just like in the good ol' days. But if only we had gotten a few more comments about "celestial bodies" to go along with those would-be maidens? Then ah yes, all would have been forgiven...

The weird thing is, normally a guest starring role from an actor of his stature and nature in the Stargate underverse would've taken away time from every other main character. But that just wasn't the case somehow in The Return, where even Teyla and Ronon got their moments in...

Well, maybe Ronon did absolutely nothing but whine like a little bitch and shed a tear when Sheppard was returning to earth, but Teyla got to have some real character development at least. You could literally see her whimpering like a bitch at the fact she wouldn't get to suck on Torri's titties any longer. And if only I was there when the "Ancestors" booted off the entire Athosian settlement that had been worshipping them for thousands of years? Well, I was laughing at their misfortunes even without seeing it, and I sure as hell would've been laughing my ass off if I had...

When it came to earth though, The Return truly was a character piece at heart. The heart of the show has always been Colonel Sheppard, and he really did seem heart-broken when he had to roll up that Led Zeppelin poster of his and roll out the wheels on his Callaway golf bag. He was immediately given a command at the SGC, but it just wasn't the same to him. He lives and breathes the Atlantian ocean (well, the Atlantis ocean), and while it seemed awkward to me to watch him get carried away by an overbearing Ronon like some freshman frat boy, you could really see just how much it was tearing him apart to disband his team...

Though oh, by the way, I guess they forgot about Lt. Ford alone in the Pegasus Galaxy. Leave no man behind. Pfft, oh well...

Poor McKay as well. He started off the episode so damn jovial, boasting of his "McKay and Carter" intergalactic bridge of Stargates, and then ended off six weeks later whining and cringing about having an entire nuclear power plant-sized naquaada reactor for a lab. The poor guy was depressed and morbid the whole way through, yet even then he was just as funny to me as he ever was before. Meredith was even embarrassed yet again at dinner by an unsuspecting reminder of the kiss he once shared with Carson, something that Beckett seems to remember far too well...

Because was it just me, or did Dr. Beckett just seem a bit, I dunno... gay, this episode?...

Not that he didn't seem like that before, but still? First, he tears up like a baby when saying goodbye of all things to Rodney, and then seems to be fantasizing about McKay when supposedly mocking him about the kiss they once shared? And seriously, if the character wasn't gay, why the fuck would he ever break up with Cadman? If only you could get that bitch in an evil Adrian armour of amour, I'd never leave the bunk...

All not-so subtle references aside, Dr. Beckett really did shine in The Return, perhaps more than any other episode this season so far. He really had a heart-warming scene with Elizabeth in her apartment, making a house call as a true doctor and friend should always do. And then really, how the fuck can't you feel bad for the guy later on the episode? First, he gets left out in the dark when everyone else's cellphone starts ringing off the hook, and then he experiences the pain and guilt of killing his new pet turtles. I mean seriously, what is it with writers and having Scottish characters have fucking baby turtles?...

... I would prefer to save the pandas and the dragons, but maybe that's just my Dr. Suzuki take on things...

But weirdly enough, it wasn't just with Beckett that Dr. Weir had a breakthrough moment with. She really did shine and evolve as both a character and an actress, when sharing her feelings and emotions with Sheppard before they had left the city of Atlantis. There really wasn't much dialogue there, but you could feel the connection between the both of them there anyhew. Perhaps it wasn't really romantic, but there was definitely a feeling shared there, over their love for the city and their longing to stay...

Now, I personally don't understand why the fuck they'd want to stay in a goddam busted ass city ship that a) never worked properly for them in the first place, b) has a database that has had absolutely no useful benefit to humanity whatsoever so far, and c) is a place where they have been almost eaten by the Wraith on more goddam occasions than just one...

And yes, I am pissed off at the writers for not only having absolutely no action in The Return whatsoever, but for making the most cliche of cliffhangers at the end with the goddam sight of the Stargate tunnel of all things. Who the fuck writes this shit anyhew? WTF?...

No episode is complete without real dragons, not that World of Warcraft bullshit type...

And yes, this episode did feel far too incomplete for its own good. As if we were watching The Return of the Jedi or some shit movie like that...

"Oh dear God, now I'm starting to wish that Stargate Atlantis never did return...

Okay, so I thought there was some potential in The Return (Part 1) before the mid-season break. It seemed like it had a decent plotline to me, where a hell of a lot was obviously hidden from obvious view. It didn't make sense to me that ever so conveniently, the Ancients would just show up and somehow make their return, steal Atlantis from the SGA crew, and then get themselves fucked over by the Replicators in ten seconds flat. Surely real Ancients could never be that damn dumb and that damn arrogant anymore, especially after losing to the goddam Wraith from the same damn mistakes, right?...

But wait. What was the only goddam line in The Return (Part 2) that even mentioned the Ancients?...

What a fucking letdown. The Ancients in SG-1 were built up to be the ultimate race, the perfect evolution of humanity that we all aspire in becoming. But fucking Atlantis episodes that actually show the Ancients in their dumbass entirety, stemming all the way back to Before I Sleep, just ruins the illusion of perfection to the point where the inner ascended geek within just can't stand this bullshit from the writers anymore...

The Return (Part 2) had potential marked all over it, yet the writers and producers somehow managed to squander it all. The Replicators were all a bore fest in terms of personality in The Return. Now sure, technically the show is going for The Borg Redux or some shit like that with their monotonous voices and their ability to adapt to our disruptor weapons. But at least the last time we saw the Asurans, we had characters like Niam and fatass Oberoth to make things interesting. Meanwhile in this episode, every frickin' enemy character was goddam generic as hell, and it certainly wasn't good (or bad?) when both the white and the black Replicator guys started to all blend and look the goddam same to me in the end...

And the Replicators themselves? They fell for the oldest trick in the goddam book, the same stupidity that got the goddam Star Trek Borg in trouble everytime they assimilated someone and just took their knowledge at face value. The Ancients may have been complete and arrogant dumbasses an episode before, and it all got them killed in the process, but shouldn't the Replicators at least noticed something was wrong when Ronan, before firing even a single shot, dropped the only weapon that ever could've prevented his capture? Sure, the deus ex machina twist of turning the shield into one massive Replicator weapon was decent, but it was just too goddam obviously coming to me as the lameass C4 "plot C" crap proved that something was definitely up...

And then the writers had to try to make me feel like a complete fucking moron by spelling everything out in flashback scenes that showed way too much and completely disrupted the flow of the entire goddam episode...

And it just becomes obvious that the writing in an episode is subpar when at times it literally felt like a script that even I would concoct. What was the fuck was all the talk of Plan A and B and C and F for? It felt like practically half of the lines in the entire hour were comprised of that one word of "plan" alone, as if the writers really had no fucking thesaurus to take a gander at or some crap like that. While The Return (Part 1) at least felt like a cohesive story about the characters and their relationship to Atlantis, what the fuck did the second parter really offer?...

Practically every character on the series was adapted to be a generic action hero in The Return (Part 2), with almost none of the character development they showed in the first parter manifesting here in any semblance or form whatsoever. Dr. Weir actually had one of her best performances in the last episode, yet here all she did was bitch and whine about how it was her plan to use Niam and spread yet another Independence Day virus, and how Sheppard was letting the drones blow up all her favourite buildings. It didn't even feel right in the uber-rushed ending, how she was hugging O'Neill of all old and saggy MacGyver clones. The music may have been swooning, but after such an action oriented episode of absolutely no damn plot worth a damn whatsoever, I just didn't give a shit...

Suffice to say, just like the room decorations, this episode felt a tad bit Spartan...

Jack O'Neill and Woolsey were actually a good comedic duo though. The problem was however, that this is Stargate Atlantis we're talking about here, not SG-1. Now sure, I loved some of O'Neill's classic lines, whether they were about dramatic suspense or deadman switches. The thing is though, I was astounded by just how much screen time he and Richard took away from the actual cast of SGA. WTF?...

I know it's almost like a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario for the writers here, considering I was lamenting the fact that the General had almost no role in Part 1. But here, I was still shocked and sort of disappointed as well, that almost a fifth of the episode seemed to have been spent on old man O'Neill swimming in the flooded sections of Atlantis. Sure, I was entertained, but it just felt wrong for SG-1 characters (aside from McKay) from screwing over the rest of the cast and crew of the spin-off series I was actually watching...

... sigh... you can almost hear the Daedalus bringing Carter along for next season already... uggh...

And because of Jack and Richard stealing the Shakespearean spotlight, no character on the SGA series itself really managed to shine. Sure, Teyla got to dual wield ARGs, Beckett got to blow up the Atlantis stardrive, and Ronan got his ass kicked and name taken, but do we really care? Half the time, I was just rolling my eyes that the Replicators never noticed that a plan to blow up the city with C4 was just so damn lameass to be true, that that I didn't care what the fuck the rest of the characters on the cast and crew of the show were actually doing...

I normally love McKay, I really do. But considering half of his lines in the episode consisted of the word, "plan", and the other half of his screentime was wasted on him complaining that Niam would wake up and kill them all, I just couldn't feel the McKay love this episode. And the same goes for Sheppard really, especially as he was being berating by fucking Weir as he was driving the damn Puddle Jumper and trying to save all their lives. He should've just told her to shut the fuck up and given her a sturdy backhand or some shit like that, just like any real man would have done behind the wheel, and only then would I have given him my goddam support and approval...

Now sure, despite my complaints, there were some great moments in The Return (Part 2). Obviously, O'Neill had some fantastic lines reminiscent of his SG-1 seventh season performances, the CG shots of the city tower being blown apart by Sheppard and his crew were jaw-dropping, and the chase of the Jumper (or Gateship, as the Replicators called it) by drones was pretty damn suspenseful as well. Now sure, as the geek that I am, I was pissed as hell at first that the fucking drones couldn't seem to pierce the weakened shields on a fucking Puddle Jumper of all things. But on further inspection in slow mo, the drone actually passed through (or bounced off... maybe) the very edge of the PJ shield (as Sheppard dodged it at the last second), leaving it ambiguous whether drones really can penetrate any damn known defence or not. But whatever, enough geek talk for now...

Because that really was all The Return (Part 2) was good for. With huge ass explosions, energy ARG weapons, and a fucking massive city shield being powered by three fucking reset-button ZPMs, this episode really felt like a fucking fan-wank for all the geeks that wish to see Atlantis rise up with its stardrive and kick some Ori ass. But while obviously I'm a fucking huge nerd myself, the thing I care most about from my goddam Stargate Atlantis are the personalities and character development of every member of the cast and crew. And considering half of this episode was filled with just generic Replicator ramblings, and the other half was used up by SG-1 characters for some goddam reason, I just can't help but give this episode a good ol' grade of "Plan Fucking F"...

There was just so much potential for The Return (Part 2) after I had hoped that the Ancients in the first parter were actually Replicators, and after I had actually loved the acting performances from Torri Higginson and Dr. Beckett and all the rest long ago...

But oh dear God, now I'm wishing that Stargate Atlantis never made its return...

... or at least, not the return of the goddam fucking stupidity of season fucking two, that is..."

Seriously, was I the only one with a sense of humour when Colonel Caldwell actually recommended using Atlantis' arsenal of drones on the poor, hapless whales? I literally laughed my ass off at the Greenpeace ramifications of annihilating an entire alien fish species. And yet, strange enough, I actually was comforted by the fact that a) Elizabeth Weir turned his gracious offer down, and b) she looked smokin' hot in that little tight T-shirt of hers while doing so...

Which kind of episode exactly? The bottled up likes of which that remind me of just why I fell in love with this series so long ago...

Now obviously, it's not like I cared for every little thing that happened in Echoes. The forced Teyla and Ronan bullshit especially pissed me off to no end, as the two barely have any chemistry whatsoever (plus, I hate seeing Ronan neutered by the stick wielding bitch like so). But for the most part, every single character in this episode had an important role to play, and every single actor and actress really delivered...

It was such a simple story, one that was predictable right off the bat. While it still remains to be confirmed whether McKay last year in the Puddle Jumper was actually seeing Carter through the mental projections of "Sam", it was at least obvious here that all the visions of the old skool Ancients were being sent as a message from the whales. It was like Star Trek 4 all over again with the shitty ass plotline on paper, although this time, I actually understood the fucking humour behind it all and actually found it to be goddam funny. WTF?...

I don't know why, but I just got so much enjoyment from McKay's little "dabbling" into the world of marine biology. Sure, I could've used a Seinfeld moment or two where a humpback whale is literally fucked by a golf ball or something, but just seeing the man ecstatic about a huge ass fish in the water was somehow great. His chemistry with Sheppard was amazing in this episode, some of the best they've had all year long, especially as the latter was getting all creeped out by Rodney's insistence to keep calling the whale as "Sam". And how the fuck could anyone not laugh at all the ramblings and babbling between the both of them when their ears were punctured by the fucking tree hugging fish of all things?...

And what, you're finally figuring this out now, why exactly? Wow, what great instincts...

How can I ever hate and harp on an episode where not only did Sheppard and McKay's little debate over Doug Flutie and the rest of the hockey players in Canada make a triumphant return, but so did the clever combination of snark and comradeship between the both of them as well? I loved how they worked together in solving the riddle of Adaris and of how to use the goddam Ancient translator machine in the first place. Well, okay, so it was actually McKay doing all the work, but Sheppard was also there to share his pearls of wisdom. And I just love how much Joe Flannigan seemed to enjoy his role in this episode, as if he was playing golf again on the Atlantis balcony again or some shit like that. He just seemed so damn eager to swim with the fishes in the Puddle Jumper so to speak, and his "plan" to shield the planet from the solar proton flare using the upgraded shields of the Daedalus actually felt smart and well-thought out by the writers...

This was even Dr. Zelenka's best frickin' episode in at least a year, if not since the first season of the show. I normally don't devote a paragraph or anything more than a single sentence to the guy, but how the fuck can he possibly be denied when the man literally stole the show as he consulted solar charts before his goddam pigeon races? Most of his scenes consisted of watching whale-shaped blips on the Atlantis sensors, yet he managed to make every single one of those moments into a scene worth watching. How the hell he pulled that off, I may never know. All I do know, is that the next time whales and dolphins and pigeons go wild, I'm making sure to get some hot bitches and go wild with them too...

But alas, not every character in this episode turned out to be a hero, but I still enjoyed their performances for the most part nonetheless. Carson should've been able to accomplish more, considering he was the lead doctor on base during a massive medical emergency. His role was a little too damn diminished for my own tastes, but he still delivered a solid performance in caring for the sick and sharing in the comedic banter as McKay and Sheppard with their ears couldn't hear worth a damn...

Ronan and Teyla were utterly useless, yet I didn't mind their presence as much as I thought I would. Ronan was completely pussy whipped and I hated him for it, but he helped make up for his complete lack of a set of balls by kicking some ass and taking names in fighting practice with Teyla. Well, okay, so maybe those scenes were only saved by the fact that Teyla once again looked smokin' hot in that little Athosian spitfire outfit of hers. Why the hell she doesn't just wear that 24/7 so that I and the rest of the male population could forgive all her character's piss poor storylines throughout the seasons, I will never know...

And seriously, has there ever been an episode with Dr. Heightmeyer that I haven't thought to be a high hallmark for the series? Now, the thing is, I find that psychologist doctor to be goddam annoying and borderline retarded at times, as she should've known by now that mere hallucinations on Atlantis just don't fucking exist. But the irony is, the more I lower my head in shame at the stupidity of the bitch, the more I end up looking down at her fucking set of perfectly shaped breasts and forgiving (or forgetting) all of the horrible writing that was put into her character in the first place. Here she went all brunette with the tight-fitting T-shirt and all, and how the fuck can I ever give the thumbs down to two fucking nipples up like that?...

Of course, speaking of hot brunettes with those tight ass T-shirts, I really did honestly believe Echoes to be Dr. Weir's best episode of the season. She was strong in command at times, helping to make decisions to save the city and all its inhabitants, yet she showed that softer diplomatic side of herself that we rarely ever see from her anymore as well, choosing to even sacrifice one of her own men to protect the goddam whales shoving for shelter underneath the city...

And when the time called, she had great chemistry with the rest of the cast and crew for once. I loved how she was mocking the "guys" when it came to their obsession with the whales outside at the start, her reaction to the fish's prominent genitalia was priceless, and who the fuck can ever forget how integral she was to all the comedy about hearing aids and shit like that? For once, I actually have to give props to the writers and the actress, for producing such a goddam satisfying performance from a bitch who's normally only satisfying when she's just goddam silent there and hot. Thank you, writers, and thank you hot smokin' tight-ass T-shirt...

And I don't know, but even if Echoes didn't really excel at anything, it did all the little things right that made it feel like an instant classic to me. I've already watched the episode three times now, and I still somehow tense up whenever the Daedalus shield is getting absolutely hammered by the solar flare. Even from an action or Sci-Fi standpoint, with McKay whining and bitching in 27-page e-mails about how it was unfair for Atlantis to lose two of its three new ZPMs, I just loved every single creative thought put into this episode. Hell, it even made Stargate SG-1 more interesting of a show in the end somehow, because now I'm actually frothing in anticipation of seeing the Odyssey still get its ass kicked and name taken by the Ori, even with a goddam ZPM powering its shields on board...

Now, the plotline of Echoes was just so damn simple, that not only did it turn out to be such a brilliant character piece for every single actor and actress on the show, but it also became one of the best damn bottle episodes that this series has ever done before...

Sadly, I didn't want the show to end, as the inner tree hugger within was actually smiling and sobbing as Sam the whale was waving goodbye and flipping us all off. WTF?..

Last week, Atlantis made my ears bleed. But goddammit, this week's episode was just so damn satisfying, that it even made the dumbass disappointment of The Return (Part 2) seem like just a goddam distant echo...

"Oh my fucking God. What the fuck is this? The week with the worst television episodes of all time ever? WTF?...

This was the one week where Stargate Atlantis, Smallville and Battlestar Galactica would all air in succession and compete against one another for the crown of the IvanFian best episode of the week. By my fucking God, it's like none of them got the memo, and all three respective series produced the absolute worst garbage they could've ever spawned and spewed out instead. WTF?...

Who the fuck behind the scenes ever okay'd an episode as goddam ludicrous and atrocious as Irresponsible was?...

My fucking God, who the fuck was dumbass enough to ever put them in charge? Yet here they were, helming yet another episode that had the audience ripping out the hair from their heads and turning the channel to goddam Smallville of all shit series instead. WTF?...

There was just no sense of urgency, and no sense of accomplishment in Irresponsible. It was a complete and utter non-event in the way that things were handled. It was like no actor gave a shit that they were performing, and no one the crew even gave a shit about the set and script they had in hand. Which was completely pathetic and completely uncalled for, considering this of all episodes was the one where General Kolya of the Genii would finally bite the bullet. My God, the man deserved so much better than to be beaten by Lucious Lavin of all people. WTF?...

My fucking God, who's bright idea was it to bring back Lucious as basically the main fucking character of the series? Now, don't get me wrong, I did enjoy Irresistible for what it was worth, as a flawed episode filled with some good comedic lines here and there. But there was absolutely nothing to laugh at here in Irresponsible except for the fact that the writers actually thought this episode would turn out good? I'd honestly like to see the script for this absolute turd of an hour, because I really can't see right now how it could've ever gotten past anybody in the office except for the goddam yes-men...

Earlier in the year, the audience was already pissed that Lucious basically got away with the raping of fucking women on Atlantis who were drugged against their will. Now here, we find that he wasn't even punished by his own people, but rather somehow escaped with his portable shield emitter and became the cherished hero of another village. And the worst of the worst came when the SGA team finally arrived, and all Beckett and co. did to the guy was literally take a blood sample and slap him on the wrist. They didn't give a shit about the same fucking asshole who not only was ready to violate every single one of the women on base, but also put all their lives in immediate jeopardy against the Wraith. WTF kind of continuity was this? WTF?...

The entire episode revolved around the gimmick of the Ancient shield device, having little kids harmlessly kick Lucious in the crotch and shit like that. Was it all meant to be funny or something? We've seen it all before and done so much better back in the first season of the show with Rodney, so why rehash a decent idea with newfound horrible execution? Speaking of the execution, while being buried alive would kill a person even with the Ancient shield on, couldn't the man wielding the shield just use his invincibility and force to prevent himself from being pushed into the fucking pit in the first place? If he could stop a bullet without feeling the slightest bit of inertia, then why the fuck couldn't he prevent himself from being dunked like a donut in water God knows how many times? WTF?...

And seriously, every character in the show seemed like they mailed it in when it came to Irresponsible. It's not like I blame them, considering nobody wanted to take responsibility for this absolute waste of everyone's hour...

Sheppard was just there. He may have been the prime focus of the camera for half of the entire episode, but the whole of the script was sadly focused on every single pathetic line that Lucious had instead. I don't even remember a single damn snark or comment that Sheppard made that was even remotely worth mentioning. All I remember him doing was trotting around the forest ever so slowly with his P90, while dealing with Lucious making my ears bleed with whatever dumbass sidekick comments that he had...

There was only one bright hope for this episode, and that was Dr. McKay. Problem was, while he started off on the right foot with his obsession with Batman, he later became just a generic whimpering fool with Kolya shoving a gun cock down his throat. With Rodney as just the damsel in distress, I'd expect some sort of comic relief from him. Yet the writers completely chose to ignore his former chemistry with Ronan and Teyla while in the cell, and had him play the Jimmy the Bimmy dumbass with a spoon in the corner of the room instead? WTF?...

WTF was the point of Ronan and Teyla? Sure, Teyla looked reasonably hot and everything in the ol' Dutch setting, but what purpose did she have? Did she do any of consequence whatsoever? She didn't even blame Lucious for wanting to fuck her inside out the last time they met. And Ronan wasn't protective of her whatsoever, nor did he seem to give a damn about anything. His only goal in the episode was to find a way to hit Lucious, and obviously didn't care about any of the townsfolk in the process, or so he openly claimed...

My fucking God, don't even remind me of that eye-rolling speech that that over-cleavaged, fugly barmaid bitch made about independence and shit like that. Honestly, I could hear crickets in the audience as she and Lucious tried to be a comedic duo, as the whole damn exchange was so damn poorly executed that I literally wished I could fast forward past the episode. Who's bright idea was it to force some black and white, Sunday school lesson about not turning the other cheek down our goddam gullets? WTF was I watching? Smallville of all shitass series? WTF?...

But absolutely the worst disservice of Irresponsible was that it made Kolya's fate into a goddam joke. It was just such a mind-numbingly awful idea to somehow combine Lucious Lavin's situation with that of Kolya's demise, that I honestly wish I could strangle the necks of whoever wrote that ten second staredown of a showdown between Kolya and Sheppard at the end. It was barely even mentioned in the episode up to that point as to what the two had done to each other in the past, and how John especially deserved to be the one to pull the trigger. As far as the episode was concerned as a whole, their grudge match at the end was a complete and utterly forgettable non-event. And that's just something I cannot forgive, not when it comes to the best single villain the series has ever had...

And who the fuck was responsible for this goddam clusterfuck of overall shit?...

Honestly, I never thought in all my days of Trekking, that a new duo of writers could ever make the goddam shit of Berman and Braga look like fucking masterpiece theatre instead...

But seriously? If the rumours are true that Mallozzi and Mullie are taking over Stargate Atlantis in the fourth season of the show? Then the Killer B's truly will be replaced by the psychopathic M&M's, and there just won't be any hope for the series at all...

Because oh my fucking God, this was the best that the two could fucking come up with? WTF did I just watch? WTF?...

Goddammit, Smallville this week had one of its worst episodes ever of all time. And yet still it didn't turn out to be the worst episode of the week for me? WTF?...

... but for whoever even lent a hand in allowing this episode ever get to air?...

It was just one of those feel good episodes of Stargate Atlantis, like McKay and Mrs. Miller before it, that just somehow completes you with its trifecta of excellent story-telling, writing and acting. And of course, it certainly helps that once again, Rodney McKay took center stage as the best damn character on the series to date...

Now, I won't argue that Tao of Rodney was without its flaws. In fact, if there was any huge one, it was the sinking feeling like I had experienced this all before, and perhaps it was indeed better back when it was on SG-1. Colonel O'Neill had the knowledge of the Ancients downloaded twice into his brain, and while obviously there are differences between those two episodes and this one, the base concept remains the same. With a short amount of time left in their lives, they make amends with their close ones and prepare to move on, hoping to make a sacrifice that benefits humanity in the end. Hell, considering I still find Rodney to be a SG-1 character (since that is where he started off), I could've sworn I was watching the original Stargate series here rather than Atlantis from time to time...

But that minor feeling of a bit too much familiarity doesn't change the fact that this was a great character piece of a story, not just for McKay but also for every single cast member on the show. There's been so few episodes of any series out there where I strangely enough find myself perfectly content and satisfied with the growth and performance of every main character, but Tao of Rodney was definitely one of those rare gems that just somehow gives all us Stargate lovers a breath of inner peace...

It's not like Ronan and Teyla were involved that much in the episode, but there was never really a wasted moment with those two. Hell, did Teyla really have any lines? Yet Rachel Luttrell's acting when she was just staring there at Rodney, stunned that he would have the empathy and compassion to serve her in a ritual tea ceremony, was possibly her most memorable moment yet in the season thus far. She never really got to know McKay much in the series, and the two have never really had much chemistry. But you could tell she cared for Rodney as a friend here as he lay on his deathbed, and the episode just felt so much more heartfelt because of it...

As for Ronan? I really didn't get all the "fat" jokes in Tao of Rodney, considering Meredith McKay has never been mocked for his eating habits before. Still, besides a few forced chuckles here and there, I really couldn't fault anything that Ronan said and did. He was sort of the goofy, comic relief kind of badass character in this episode, even going so far as to give McKay a great big bear hug when it was all said and done. I'm not sure if I particularly like this side of Ronan, the big muscled buffoon who never understands a word of technobabble, but his comradeship with McKay here somehow still felt real and genuine and loyal, in a way that hasn't been there since at least the premiere of the season...

And hot damn, did you get a look at that chick who thought Ronan was hot? Fucking goddam, if I was Rodney there with the ability to read minds? I'd do whatever the fuck it takes to con the cutie bitch into falling in love and stripping down naked. My God, was she ever fucking hot and she goddam knew it...

... sigh... and with that, finally that old skool feeling of Stargate James T. Kirk Atlantis was back in full force...

I admit that the latter half of Tao of Rodney was perhaps a bit too serious for my tastes, even though I really did enjoy the further development and growth of Rodney as a character and person. But what I really look for most in an hour of television is great comic relief, character banter and of course all those great moments of levity we get from Sheppard and Rodney in the same room together (if that sounds good, that is...). I will fully admit that during that first "meditation" tutorial of his, I was balling in laughter at just how "honest" and piss poor Sheppard really was at the whole ascension thing. I mean seriously, flipping through a magazine as he was dreaming of fucking that ascension bitch from season two on a goddam ferris wheel? Sure, I wouldn't particularly mind that fantasy as well, but honestly, WTF?...

Joe Flanigan really did play the role of a great friend to Rodney McKay in this episode as perfectly as he did back in McKay and Mrs. Miller. While no scene here was particularly as memorable as all the golf ones were from before, how the hell can't I fall in love with an episode that had the two in a pissing contest over who was really worse at the whole ascension thing? And even without McKay in the picture, Sheppard really was a great character and made every scene of his classic in the end. He was honest and touching with Dr. Weir, providing the best moment of the episode in constantly annoying the bitch into finally putting him on the list for the ascension machine, and going so far as to brag about beating a monster in front of Ancient "pansy wannabes"...

... sigh... guess Joe Flanigan is just a tad bit bitter about how much his Epiphany script was butchered last year...

The thing is though, I can easily tell that I'm enjoying an Atlantis story when even Dr. Weir doesn't get on my nerves. Hell, I even felt bad for her, like she was some phone help teller or some crap like that, as she was even getting non-stop superhero requests from Zelenka of all focused people. Torri Higginson really finds her niche on the series when she goes back to being the Daniel-esque translator of the series. Or at least she finds her only true purpose, whenever the hot bitch finally shuts up and just stands there horny and pretty for the camera, as the mind-reading McKay having an entire conversation to himself was strangely enough Elizabeth's best damn scene in the whole damn episode...

... now, if only we could get her in a hot bitch sauna room with that adorable cutie who thought Ronan was hot, then maybe Stargate Atlantis really can become my favourite series all over again...

But WTF is this shit about her loving Rodney? Sure, she said it as the poor man was dying, but honestly? With the way things have gone on the show, you'd expect that line from someone like Carson instead...

Dr. Beckett hasn't had enough decent episodes in the season so far, which has been a shame (all things to be considered, if you know what I mean...). Still, Paul McGillion really does make the most of every second he is on screen, as the comical banter between him and Rodney whenever it came to ascension and the "ascendo-meter" was brilliant beyond belief. The two didn't have much of a goodbye at the end, though at least Rodney along with Beckett did manage to save the day. I wasn't a real fan of the reset button of a solution (literally, as wouldn't the Ancients had thought about taking goddam blood samples before zapping themselves into Priors?), but it was still nice for Carson to finally play the saviour of the day for once...

Well, alright, so maybe Carson wasn't the real hero of the day when you consider that Rodney increased the shield power of the Daedalus, vastly improved the power efficiency of the ZPM of Atlantis, designed a hyperspace generator for the Puddle Jumpers, invented a whole new math that will change the way we understand the universe, and still managed to use his Jedi mind tricks to teach Beckett how to save his life. Who would've thunk?...

Yup, once again, here we had Super Rodney McKay, this time with telekinesis and the continued inability to fuck all the hot girls on Atlantis. By now, you'd think we viewers would've gotten bored of the guy constantly using up every moment of screen time on the show, and yet that's just never the case. The actor is just so gifted and his lines are just so well written, that he literally had two fucking entire scenes talking to himself here in Tao of Rodney, and I still was entertained beyond belief. WTF?...

Rodney is simply the best character on Sci-Fi today (taking the crown away from the over pussified Admiral Adama of the season), and this episode once again proved exactly why. Whether he was failing at meditation with Sheppard, stealing donuts away from Carson, ranting against Ronan about all those fat jokes, or sticking it in Elizabeth's face about that "intangible chemistry" shared between the two of them that he hinted at in "chapter 10", the Tao of Rodney McKay really was a wonderfully written story that Hewlett delivered with poise and ease...

And who the fuck can possibly resist the allure of a story about superheroes? Who the fuck can't relate to wanting to be a fucking god at telekinesis, healing, Wolverine hearing, and whatever the fuck else he could do? Fuck, if only he had the ability of indestructibility as well, he could be fucking the hot as fucking hell Claire from Heroes right now (well, if she's legal age, that is...)...

Sure, we've seen this all before in Stargate SG-1 (minus the Heroes cheerleader part...), whether it was O'Neill in The Fifth Race or even Khalek from the Prototype episode that was referenced in this episode. But even if it was a bit of a rehash when it was all said and done, Tao of Rodney was just such an insanely well crafted and executed hour of television that I simply can't fault it for such a minor sense of deja vu...

I mean, sure it wasn't the absolute best episode of the season, and to be honest, it probably wasn't my absolute favourite episode either...

But it was just such an overall satisfying experience in the end, that seriously, it was almost as if the writers?...

How many times in a row have I lost to fucking five year olds by now? My fucking God, I'm as bad at the game as Rodney fucking McKay...

And with my goddam cheat codes, how many primitive empires and kingdoms have I created and destroyed over the past few years in games like Civilization, Age of Empires, and, umm...

Because the power overwhelming of a feeling you get every time you take control of a nation like that? If only it were real, it would most definitely be... intoxicating...

And that's why I was excited for The Game. Because the premise of the episode itself was great, even if I had felt I had seen it all on Star Trek before...

Rodney and Colonel Sheppard find themselves an Ancient Civilization game and use their spare time to kick each other's asses. Now, since they assumed it was a game, it was only natural for them to build up arms against each other and then wage full out war. What good would a game be if you couldn't smite each other's foreign asses?...

But the problems with The Game as an episode, come after the two of them find out that the "game" they had been playing consisted of two real factions all along. The thing is, while I admit I did laugh at a lot of the jokes made throughout the episode about "cheating" and whatnot, did it not all seem just a tad bit childish, knowing that they were dealing with real lives and real civilizations here? I dunno...

Take the scenes between Major Lorne and Dr. Zelenka, for instance. While of course I snickered at the fact that the two prodigies of Sheppard and McKay were already sniping at each other after just five minutes of gameplay, the thing is, they both knew they were toying with the lives of real people, right? Sure, I know they couldn't resist the dark side of the force when it came to ruling an empire, but honestly, they were treating everyone's lives on those primitive planets entirely as a game when they damn well knew that it was all damn real. I can understand MWAHAHA villains acting this way, but two of our favourite characters after just five fucking minutes of gameplay? Sure, I laughed as Dr. Weir walked in on them both, but seriously, WTF?...

Dr. Weir herself was completely fucking useless. Sure, she stood there pretty for the camera, but whenever she opened her mouth, anyone could instantly realize just how empty her figurehead of a role really was. When you had Nola or Marie Warner or whatever the fuck her name was at the table, negotiating with Sheppard's man, all Dr. Weir did as mediator was sit there and look all pretty for the camera. While normally I wouldn't dispute such a wonderful titty action, it just felt wrong how the guest starts on the show were taking up all the fucking lines. I would love Elizabeth with her tight T-shirt to be a mannequin in my room, but I guess that's not what I was hoping for when we're stuck in a room where we're reduced to hearing shit from two warring factions that I just don't give a shit about...

Now sure, there were some genuinely interesting points made in The Game, especially about elevating another people's technology with our own. It's been explored before when earth gave Langara, the Genii and a few other nations some of our "advanced" technology, but here it becomes even more obvious the consequences of our actions, when McKay "cheated" enough to give his people telescopes, bicycles, flying dirigibles, and fucking explosive bombs. Then again, the episode also pointed out the idea that despite all the advances that McKay's people had made, Sheppard's nation still had the huge advantage in numbers and still had a good chance of beating their more enlightened foes. I'm sure there's a moral here about the Ancients and Wraith or some shit like that, but you know what was really the only good point I got from this episode?...

Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed The Game for what it was worth. The problem was, it really wasn't worth more than just an average episode of Stargate over the years. And I swear I've seen this all done before on Star Trek: The Next Generation, in almost any of those holodeck episodes done in the past...

... well, at least this episode was better than TNG's shitty ass "The Game" itself with Wesley Crusher and Ashley Judd...

... yes, that's Ashley fucking Judd, who was smokin' hot as hell to my pubescent self, but that's a story for another day...

Suffice to say, we got our own version of hotness from everyone's favourite Marie Warner here in Stargate Atlantis. Obviously, considering how devilishly cute the evil terrorist always has been, I approved of this casting move. The thing is though, her character just didn't have enough to work with here in The Game. She was better as the bubble headed blonde who adored the Oracle for all he was worth, but as soon as the truth was revealed to her? She became nothing more than a generic war monger, with no real depth to her (and that includes her tiny little bosoms...). I would've liked better and more creative writing between her and Sheppard's man, whatever the fuck his name was. Sadly enough, I just didn't care enough about what was going on in this episode to really take notes on names...

The two main guest stars weren't the only ones who were ignored. What the fuck did Teyla get to do? Look pretty on the Daedalus, pretend like the Puddle Jumper had somehow been taken out by lowly goddam dirigibles, and that's about it? And Ronan, what the fuck was his use? He completely looked out of place just standing there as Rodney's sidekick the whole time. Whatever happened to his badassness? A real man would've clubbed Marie Warner with his gun, taken her back to his secret lair, and then tortured the terrorist bitch with unspeakable sex for the next fucking year of her life. Where the fuck was my mamed and named and naked Marie Warner? At least they could've given her back her goddam 24 Alias wig for good blowjob measure. WTF?...

The heart and soul of the SGA show has always been Rodney and Sheppard, and I do agree that the two made for a great comedic duo this episode. But like I stated before with Lorne and Zelenka, their humour just seemed a tad bit misplaced. Considering the two of them were kind of directly responsible for two formerly peaceful nations going to full out war with one another (if only because of trade demands dealing with citrus fruits as gifts...), why were Rodney and John still bickering about who had cheated in their game and who would've won in the end? WTF?...

Now sure, at the end of the episode, you could easily see the brother-like comradeship between the both of them as Sheppard the MENSA math wiz was kicking Rodney's ass at chess. That scene I especially enjoyed, but their competitive rivalry really just seemed out of place and sorely overused when it came to the rest of the episode...

And you know what was the greatest flaw of The Game was an episode? It's not that the Ancients were playing god or something, interfering with the development of primitive cultures (which completely goes against everything they now claim to believe as ascended beings). It's just that...

WTF is wrong with Atlantis and their computers? Why they fuck are the graphics in their game so goddam shitty?...

What the fuck are they using for their video cards? Riva 128's, TNT2's, or my old fucking PowerVR PCX2? WTF?...

... and at least it was better than that shitty ass The Next Generation episode of the same damn name...

Now, if only the real game consisted of me, controlling two real nations full of hot fucking women, making the both of them get it on with each other, with Marie Warner and Ashley Judd being the central hub of the goddam lesbian orgy?...

"The Ark was a decent enough Stargate Atlantis episode, but it definitely was no saviour...

I mean, I suppose it was a decent enough Sci-Fi episode, seeming like a generic mix of both Star Trek and James Cameron's Abyss at times (don't know why, it just did), but it entertained me for an hour for the most part, and that's all that I should ask for, right?...

... well, yes and no... especially from an episode with such a pretentious title, of course...

For one thing, since this was such a Sci-Fi episode, it just bugs the inner nerd in me that earth no longer feels special when it comes to resourcefulness and survival. While obviously we've done our own fair share of technological development, developing anti-gravity and sublight engines, not to mention basic interstellar hyperdrive engines to boot, it just somehow annoys me how this "primitive" 1960's culture in The Ark was able to not only completely hollow out a moon with full life support, but build a fucking huge space station using captured Wraith technology. Even with the resources of "five generations" at their disposal as they stated, it just makes earth feel less special when it comes to galactic scrappiness, that's all. A small complaint and nitpick, sure, but one that keeps nagging at my gut...

Personal geek opinions aside though, I did like most of the cinematography in this episode. The writers obviously cared a lot about their Sci-Fi effects during the crash of the Apollo-like reentry-shuttle with Sheppard at the helm. The overall set of the space station was effective as well, feeling claustrophobic and closed in, exactly as you would feel in a situation with little to no life support left. Now sure, it's starting to feel a bit strange how rare it has become to have the Daedalus come to save the day, as the team definitely could've used the ship here. But still, for a Star Trekish type of storyline, I thought the writers did a decent enough job... with the Sci-Fi aspects of the show, that is...

But you definitely know something is wrong with your episode, when a) it takes a forum post by the writer of the episode itself to explain just how the fuck Sheppard survived the crash landing (shuttle built like a glider, and pure dumb luck to boot...), and b) the most memorable part of the entire fucking Ark was literally the earth Snickers bar that somehow found it's way to the ancient shuttle's controls. WTF?...

There were just a lot of dumb moments in the episode that didn't somehow fit. Take Teyla for instance. When her gun was first swiped, not only did she pull a Carter by not having her sidearm on guard, but she didn't even react fast enough to take it back before the safety was turned off? Even if the old geezer did turn off the safety (which we never saw), Teyla is fucking fast enough to just pull a Jackie Chan at that range and take the weapon back. Yet instead she just freezes there, as the damsel as distress. WTF?...

Sure, the writers wanted to give her some character development, and the actress did a decent job of conveying both regret and horror at the fact that the ancient civilization nuked themselves to hell just to rid themselves of the Wraith in the past. But having her become so damn dumbass that she gets trapped in the Wraith transporter on the station, just felt so damn forced and so damn contrived, that once again it took a literal explanation from the story writer after the episode had aired to figure out what the fuck was going on...

Ronon was meant to be his usual badass self, and he sort of did pull a Jack Bauer when he pulled himself up and slotted his shoulder back in place. Still, aside from his challenge to Sheppard to fight to the death if they were going to run out of air (a fight that Ronon knew he would easily win unless Sheppard had a weapon... pfft, what a coward...), did he do anything in this episode at all? He didn't even show any signs of compassion for Teyla, which was weird considering how close the two have seemed over the past few episodes of the season. WTF?...

Now, I will always love Rodney McKay, and granted he certainly had quite a few ingenious quarks and quips within this episode. Obviously, noting how screwed they were once the Puddle Jumper was blasted by the shuttle into space was one thing, and trying to play the hero by trying to ram a busted door shut was another. Squealing for his life in a spacesuit as the window of the control room was cracked was decent as well, I suppose. It's just that, this was sort of the old Rodney McKay we had here, a sort of reversion back to season one standards. He just didn't feel like the Rodney we had gotten to know after McKay and Mrs. Miller or the Tao of Rodney. It felt like all of his character development from the third season of the show had been completely ignored and goddam disregarded, and I don't think that sat quite well with me here...

Dr. Weir was barely in the episode. Can I ever comment about her at all, except that I probably won't miss anything but her two darling breasts when she's made into a reoccurring character next season? WTF?...

I'm sure Sheppard will complain about the loss of her as an "ass-et", but I think he should complain instead about how damn bad this episode made his piloting skills look in the end. When I first watched the end of the episode, I was wondering how the fuck he could get lucky enough for that primitive little shuttle to survive the complete meltdown of the moon and somehow land on the planet after uncontrolled atmospheric reentry with barely a scratch. Then after reading the explanation of what the writers intended online, I learned that is what really happened, that Sheppard survived by pure dumb luck after going on a fucking suicide mission for Teyla of all fucking bitches. Really, is that the best way to make your hero into someone we actually care about? Maybe I'm just wrong about this, but seriously, dumb fucking luck? WTF?...

The impression I got from the episode instead was that Sheppard and his team was selfish. They knew they couldn't save the thousand or so innocents in stasis on The Ark, so they didn't even bother to try until Teyla became one of the trapped souls as well. The thing is though, if I had really gotten the impression that it was "impossible" to save those thousand or so lives, then I wouldn't have thought the team was selfish. I guess the writer just never really managed enough to convey the fact that perhaps getting the fucking Daedalus over there in time or stripping the power source out of the shuttle itself for the stasis pod, was fucking absolutely impossible. Or maybe I wasn't just paying enough attention since the episode just wasn't the saviour that I was led into believing it was...

It was a decent enough Sci-Fi episode, but it just didn't really feel like a true Stargate Atlantis episode, you know?...

The series for me has always been more about character development than generic plots stolen from Star Trek (even though I do enjoy my Klingon-turned-Jaffa stories, thank you very much...). And The Ark just didn't do the Stargate name justice...

Because when I first heard the name of this episode? To be honest, I kinda hoped and expected it to be about Dr. Weir, Cadman and Sora being the last three beings in the entire goddam galaxy...

... and then having to find a way with each other to, you know... procreate... and reseed the galaxy...

"Sigh... I really should've reviewed last week's episode of Stargate Atlantis last Sunday...

... even though I definitely do have mixed feelings about Sunday as an episode...

I mean, on one hand, there were some really interesting character bits scattered throughout the episode. We learned that Major Lorne is a damn fine painter, and even I seemed to admire the view of the Ancient city from the balcony he was on. And how the fuck could we ever not give the manly wink to Dr. Zelenka, as he was owning the rest of those nerds in chess and winning free Swedish massages (although he probably cared more about the anime DVD collection, sadly...)? Who the fuck could possibly resist yet another round of golden golf with Colonel Sheppard, even though it was all ruined by the fact that Ronan completely didn't have the right grip next to the goddam Callaway duffle bags?...

It sounds ridiculous, I know. McKay knew that as he was saying it outloud to himself and the others as well. And that's just one of the reasons why I just can't give Sunday my two thumbs up, although I definitely can give the writers my two fucking cents instead...

Because seriously, this is the episode that they chose to let Carson Beckett go? WTF?...

When I first heard about the cast changes for next season, I expected that perhaps Carson would become a smalltime reoccurring character, at best simply leaving for earth, or at worst pulling a Lt. Ford and being both ambiguously dead and alive at the same time. But instead, from a fucking goddam explosive tumour, that is the way they chose to kill off one of the best damn characters that the series has ever had? They made Carson Beckett explode in a goddam blaze of fire? Seriously, WTF?...

What is with the writers and constantly killing their doctors off? They were far too trigger happy when it came to ol' Doc Frasier back in season seven of Stargate SG-1, and now they wipe out Beckett from the face of the universe for God knows whatever reason? I know that the producers were never happy that Paul McGillion sort of squeezed his way into becoming a main cast member on the show, but he did it for a damn good reason (besides the resume credentials, that is...). While Carson may not be the number one favourite character on SGA for the vast majority of viewers, he is almost always certainly either the second or third favourite, depending on who you ask. And yet the writers do him in by a clusterfuck of goddam fucking explosive tumours? What the fuck kind of send-off is that?...

Yeah, yeah, he was sacrificing his life to save his patient and the rest of the base. He locked himself into the room, refused to give up, never said surrender, and got some random red shirt of a bomb squad guy killed in the process as well. So much for being the hero, as couldn't he have just thrown the damn thing out of the window and ran his girly legs off in the other direction instead? WTF?...

And why doesn't anyone care about that random, lowly bomb squad guy who blew up too? Or why no songs or virgils or crappy Scottish kilts for Doctor fucking Houston, who was literally so fucking hot and horny for Teyla there at the start, that she fucking goddam blew the fuck up? WTF?...

Oh, Teyla. On her day off, that was the only storyline they gave her? She was sparring with some random doctor that we had never seen before, had a lunch canceled with Dr. Weir since apparently Elizabeth wasn't horny enough for some pussy that afternoon, and then Teyla gets her gut torn in two by some random explosive tumour in the hallway? I suppose we were meant to be touched by the fact that she was standing there with crutches at Beckett's funeral, as testament to the man who saved her life and her storylines so many times, but I really just couldn't give a damn about any of that shit. Not when Samantha Carter had far more of a toughened out brush with death on SG-1 this past week as well...

Dr. Weir meanwhile was a bitch. She blew off Teyla instead of blowing her clit, going out on some lunch date with some bizarro bearded man instead. My God, was there absolutely no chemistry between the both of them, just sitting there awkwardly like Smallville characters as she sipped the finale of her water bottle. Was that the point, to show that she really is uncomfortable around any man under her command that she actually finds attractive? Or was it all from the fact that Torri Higginson just can't act worth a damn unless she sits there all pretty and pointy for the camera with her goddam eyes and mouth shut? Her only decent scene in the entire episode was when she was stopped and interrogated by Carson about her "hot date", because yes, I just couldn't stand the bitch when Weir was giving her overpretentious and preachy sermon at the goddam good doctor's funeral later on...

Ronan didn't really get a story of his own, but at least he got a lot of decent lines in. He finally opened up and admitted that he once had a wife (or close enough...) back on Sateda, and he got to enjoy some good ol' fashioned earth beer as well. Hell, I even snickered at times at just how ridiculous his "Sateda" game was, with the combat pegged on one leg and all that other bullshit. I would've figured that Sheppard should've put up at least something of a better fight than he did, but whatever, Ronan will have to wait for SuperFord to return for any real sort of challenge...

What I could not stand though was the fact he was Ronan could somehow belt a golf ball that far out with a one handed grip. Call me a golf nut or something, even though I fucking suck at the sport, but it bugs me that the writers would include something so damn far-fetched and goddam unrealistic in what I consider to be a goddam reality, documentary show. The fucking nerve...

Sheppard really spent the day with Ronan, getting his ass kicked in the process in really any kind of sport. We do learn however that apparently, John was married once, although from his personality we'd assume he was drunk in Vegas next to Lexa Doig or some shit like that back on earth for a weekend (isn't that Michael Shanks' excuse?... or luck, either one...). I really did enjoy his little tussle with Ronan over the Sateda touch football of a game, even if I really felt the fight should've been more fair. And even though Teyla did quite ruin the scene by her lonesome, I still felt something coming from Sheppard nonetheless, when he admitted that Carson's death hadn't quite hit him yet, but was "looking forward" to the moment it would...

This episode indeed was all about Dr. Carson Beckett, and aside from the whole fucking explosive tumours part, it wasn't really a bad send-off. Sunday was never really truly seen through his own eyes though, aside from maybe a brief five minute period where Zelenka and Lorne stole the show, but it was nice how Beckett's whole fishing trip routine with McKay was the unifying focal point of the entire hour and all character stories...

Now, did we really learn anything else about Beckett other than the fact that he would be in heaven back in Minnesota with Richard Dean Anderson (and judging by the delighted girlfriend look he gave to Dr. Weir in the hallway, I'm not just talking about the fish...)? I don't really think so. But he final moments with Rodney really were something that tugged a tear at my cheek, as I guess that's just something that happens when best friends depart...

Weirdly enough, Sunday felt more like a Rodney McKay episode than anything else in the end. It was predominated by his whining and griping to the two doctors about their accident with the Ancient radiation machine, and then we were forced into far too many cutesy conversations with Dr. Katie Brown. I mean seriously, we all ask what she sees in him, but what the fuck does he see in her? He can do so much better at this base of superfine science hotties, as I found myself wishing that it was fucking Katie Brown blowing up from fucking explosive tumours instead. Either way though, I did find the scenes between Rodney and her to be awkwardly adorable at times, if only because of the honesty both parties put forth. Even Rodney finds their relationship baffling, as we really still have no confirmation yet if he is indeed a 40 year old virgin...

... I'm sure Carson before his death was wondering (or hoping?) the same thing as well...

As much as Sunday was Beckett's episode, it just felt like it was more about Rodney's emotional fallout than anything else. David Hewlett really stole the show as he was packing together Carson's personals and preparing to bring them back to earth. We all know that both him and Paul McGillion were close friends in real life, even filming "A Dog's Breakfast" together just the other month, and it almost did feel like Hewlett was projecting and emoting his real attitude and feelings on the matter in all those scenes he was expressing his regret on the show...

If only he hadn't made mistakes, Rodney feared, then perhaps none of this would've happened. Beckett reassured him as a "best friend" that that was simply not the case, but to be honest? What if David Hewlett had fought for Paul to become a regular, only for McGillion to be replaced by the uber-hot Firefly click soon to come? While obviously Kaylee was cute as fucking hell back in those Brown Coat days, that doesn't change the fact that Carson Beckett will be sorely fucking missed, as he was truly almost universally loved by everyone in the entire fucking Atlantis audience...

So seriously, what gives? Why the fuck did the writers write him off? Why the fuck did they pull a fucking soap opera here, and had him fucking offed by a cluster of fucking little brain tumours of some shit like that? What kind of a clusterfuck of a screw up is this? WTF?...

Sure, I loved a lot of the character interactions in Sunday. And short story short, I really did feel a hell of a lot of emotion in those final moments of Rodney saying goodbye to his friend on the Atlantis pier. It was great camera work, great acting and fucking great writing the whole way through...

But alas, that does not change the fact that it was just wrong, it just feels plain motherfucking wrong...

... not just to kill off Carson Beckett, but to kill him off in such a meaningless fashion...

It was nice that they gave him one final farewell with an episode that was more or less dedicated to the best doctor that Stargate as a series has ever known...

... but it still just feels like such an ungrateful disservice to both the actor and the character in the end...

We have to stop the writers from screwing with our fan favourites and the doctors on the show in this very goddam way. What can we do?...

"Submersion really was shit. Do I really need to sugar coat anything? The writers should be drowning themselves 20000 leagues under the goddam ocean for spewing out an episode that was this much of a vile fucking waste of sewage time...

Now, as a long time SciFi fan, I guess I can appreciate some of the art and camera-work they put into this episode. The music, and lighting, the cinematography, and all that other crap was all done in an effective claustrophobic manner, in a way that reminded me more of James Cameron's The Abyss than anything else...

... hell, even Sheppard mentioned it at one point or another, how this episode felt just a tad bit too close to that movie for comfort...

It really, really, ridiculously fucking sucked ass. James Cameron's worst fucking movie ever, perhaps...

So obviously a cheap knock-off of an underwater thriller with a SGA budget would be anything but decent in my book. I understand what the writers and director were trying to get at here, but it was the wrong fucking road to take...

Was there anything to report about this episode? It was a complete non-factor, as simply put, it was yet another Teyla episode with absolutely zero emotional effect or goddam character development. Short story short, she senses a Wraith, she fights the Wraith, she loses at first, then tricks the Wraith Queen into believing some dumbass shit. Then we get a requisite scene of Dr. Weir and Teyla cuddling and fondling one another, consoling each other that they're strong woman who just want to feel sexually liberated and free...

Dr. Weir was really just there as moral support, cheering her girlfriend, Teyla, on with all that crap about tricking a Wraith Queen and shit like that. Besides that, it's no wonder why her role is being reduced on the series next season, as Elizabeth was a complete non-factor here. Hell, considering the SGA team was in the frigid depths of the ocean, I at least expected the requisite scene of her getting her tight ass T-shirt all wet and soaked in the freezing cold water, and having her come up from the pool of ice with pointed, fucking bare titty nipples. Where the fuck was my goddam ripplage of nipplage? God, the writers frustrate me to no end sometimes with just how they never take the series in the direction it's meant to go...

Since Submersion was a Teyla episode, obviously we got a few goddam shipper sequences with both Ronan and Sheppard from here and there. Really though, the only decent scenes featuring either of those two characters were when they weren't with Teyla, as having Ronan get his ass kicked by the little shrimp of a woman is hardly what I consider to be great television entertainment. Probably the only moment in Submersion where I actually felt tension and you know, the rare excrement of excitement, was when the Wraith Queen was making Sheppard kneel down to eat her pussy out. Ronan somehow missed with his shot soon afterwards in their little threesome, and it was all fucking downhill from there with goddam Wraith-telepathy, emo-crap...

Even Rodney McKay couldn't save this episode. Both he and Zelenka were essentially holed up in some bunker parts of the underwater Ancient complex, and didn't contribute anything to the scene but whining and complaining that Teyla was sensing nothing more than phantoms or Zoners. I did appreciate the long walk that Rodney had with Sheppard on the ocean floor (...), and you gotta give some props to the guy who trying his best to take the Wraith Queen out on the submerged cruiser and all that other shit. But the writers had tried to keep the science guys as low on the ocean food chain as possible in Submersion, allowing the women on the show to fucking take the whip reigns and bond with one another instead, and it resulted in absolutely the most boring piece of filler crap I have ever watched outside of the last goddam episode of Gilmore Girls...

Seriously, writers, if you're gonna rip off a James Cameron film, fucking rip(ley) off a good one, motherfuckers...

And honestly, if only the whole fucking episode had consisted of just Dr. Weir, Teyla, Lt. Cadman, Sora, and maybe that hot exploding chick of last week in Dr. Houston, all playing in the frigid ice pools with wet, tight T-shirts on and off, then maybe, just maybe I could forgive the writers for completely goddam ignoring Dr. Carson Beckett's unjustified death from just one week prior. But considering we neither got a wet T-shirt fight nor a single fucking mention of the good deceased doctor, even when the SGA team was pumping the Wraith Queen onboard full of horny Valentine Day's drugs, then you know something just ain't right with the series...

Especially not when Teyla had absolutely zero chemistry with either Ronan or Sheppard...

... but somehow just had so much allure and lust for the touch of Dr. Elizabeth Weir in her eyes...

... yet for some godddam reason, the writers still don't put those two crazy cat bitches together, locked in an aphrodisiac of a room...

Seriously, what is with me lately and actually enjoying the dumbest fucking episodes ever made?...

A few weeks ago, what would've honestly been the chances of me actually giving two thumbs up to a goddam SGA rip-off of yet another James Cameron film?...

I mean sure, at least finally they chose a decent one to spoof. Aliens really did kick ass back in the day, might I add...

And seriously? All the SGA writers have left to do is resurrect Robert Patrick from the depths of Wraith hell and have him go one on one with the fucking Terminators (or, I mean, Replicators... yeah...). Now that would most definitely make my own fucking personal episode of the week...

But Vengeance? What were the chances of enjoying a fucking hour of seeing poor red shirt actors wearing Half Life 2 face-hugger plush toys on their heads? Or were those ugly masks actually all copies of that mop of a rug Michael Shanks' wore back in Moebius? It was really hard to tell in the dark...

This was an episode that even Connor Trinneer didn't bother really showing up for. Sure, he was here in body I suppose, but there simply wasn't any emotion in his acting. And why would there be? He was here simply for the irrational, Iratus bug technobabble, as if he had just gotten a gig back on Star Trek Voyager or some shit like that. I'd phone in my performance too for a fucking paycheque, if I were reduced to wearing a Wraith costume while actually looking respectable compared to the fucking man-bugs crawling around the ventilation shafts...

And yet? And yet, no matter how purely dumbass this episode was, it actually served its purpose in entertaining me, for the better half of the hour at least. I could've done without all that helpless, goddam whining (or more of it, if you're into that sort of thing...) from Teyla there as the bug was sucking earl grey from her nipples. And I definitely could've used more cleavage there, especially if it was Dr. Weir instead in that bondage position with the bug. But bleh, all annoying bitches aside, I actually enjoyed the rampant stupidity of Vengeance. Sure, I'd still like the whoop the asses of the writers who one-upped their goddam horrible Kull Warrior idea back on SG-1 with fucking massive man-bugs here, but whatever...

At least this episode gave Ronan some sort of chance to shine. He even got a few decent lines in, especially after cutting off the arm of the thing attacking him, and then simply tossing it aside in case the creature would suddenly return with a brand new appendage. He got to show off his badassness with his sword again for the first time in ages, and he got to play the gut-check saviour with God knows how many direct shots to the goddam bug guts. And you just gotta give props to the guy for pulling a Teal'c in Children of the Gods, with the evil bad guys being impossible to kill at the start, only to collapse from fucking nail clippers by the end when it was all said and done. Those stupid bug thingies deserved to get their fucking asses kicked and their names taken anyhew, whatever the fuck their names were...

Sheppard managed to get some sort of showdown with Michael, not like it led to anywhere. And yet, even the sheer retardedness of a giant fluffy bug coming up right behind him to snatch the pistol from his grasp had me rolling on the floor in delight, simply because of just how goddam ridiculous it all was. The writers had no intention of hiding the fact that Vengeance was a sheer rip-off of Aliens, which was a bloody hell good time of a movie, no matter how dumb it itself got at times. And Joe Flanigan definitely didn't hide the fact either, even mentioning the movie as he played the not-so-generically-bald space marine in the closed confines of an underground tunnel system...

If there was any true homage to the Aliens series, it was McKay there with the Ancient life sense detector. I knew right from way back during Rising where the inspiration for that little handheld device first came from, and it was nice for it all to come full circle here, with Rodney literally gasping at all the little dots appearing throughout the darkened corridors. And who the fuck can possibly resist a good ol' massive C4 explosion that nips at the eyebrows? It was just so fucking dumb how some Mick Foley, Mandible Claw was trying to get out of that door, only to be ripped to shreds by God knows how many sticks of dynamite. A completely retarded moment, sure, but a guilty pleasure nonetheless...

Really, just thinking about Vengeance again is hurting my brain. And sadly, realizing that my guess that Robert Patrick will actually make good on his promise of "I'll be back" thanks to the writers, is wracking my goddam cerebral cells as well...

But hot damn, I can't help but actually admit that I was literally balling in laughter at just how fucking stupid this whole episode was...

Seriously, what is with me lately and actually enjoying the dumbest fucking episodes ever made?...

... hell, I didn't even mind Alien vs Predator for the most part, and that's just plain embarrassing...

But if the writers ever do try to copy some other shit like Alien 3 or, heaven forbid, Alien Resurrection?...

... hmm, ironic name, considering I feel like we've seen this kind of episode time and time again before...

Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed First Strike for what it was worth, and that being a set-up for the "soft reset" that the series will be having next season. And thus, this episode can't really be reviewed on its own merits, but rather will be assessed once again after we find out in the fourth season of the series whether the changes to the show were really actually worth it or not...

You can definitely tell that First Strike is really more of a reintroduction to the series than anything else, when the intro of it was mostly spent on bringing the new doctor of the series to light. While obviously Carson Beckett will be sorely missed on the show, I personally would feel a tad bit better if only Jewel Staite as Dr. Keller there would give my own sores and itchy spots a nice massage and rub. Hot damn, was she ever fucking drool-worthy in that V-neck tank top of hers. Though oddly enough, her voice was far more manish than I ever would've expected from Inara's lovely whore of a cutie counterpart from Firefly...

First Strike was also really the first real blow against Dr. Elizabeth Weir's stay on the station. We all know by now that her role is going to be drastically diminished next season, and considering how bitchy and ineffectual the actress and character has been on the show, I'm inclined to not give a fucking flying shit. She was completely out of her element here in First Strike as well, whether the writers intended that or not, I dunno. Either way, I was actually clapping and cheering when the hot bitch got fucked over by the even hotter giant laser beam from Dr. Replicator Evil's satellite up in space. That motherfucking blast sure gave her ass a good fucking rub and reddening, which I'm sure Dr. Weir appreciated more than anything or anybody else...

Now sure, I know that this does kinda defy doctor-patient privacy of whatnot, but just this time? Just this time, to make the losses of Carson and Dr. Weir just a wee bit easier to swallow for the audience? Well, I for one then, wouldn't mind if the writers threw us a little bone there, and kinda, you know?...

... had Dr. Keller 'feel' up Dr. Weir's condition there at the end, just to 'perk' up her spirits and soothe her soul...

... over and over and over again... until Weir gave out a smile and scent of writhing satisfaction...

But as it stands right now? I don't know, but First Strike as a whole was just not good enough to be a real season finale of its own...

True to the SGA spirit though, it was a pure CG-fest, and I state (or Staite?) that for better and for worse. On the one hand, the one minute CG sequence that literally blew the budget of the entire episode was simply jaw-dropping, as the Mark IX multi-gigaton nukes had whatever way they wanted with the goddam Replicator continent down below. On the other hand though, an entire minute of seeing what essentially was a MIRV missile that could've and should've been shot down by a single Replicator shot high up in the stratosphere felt completely out of place in the episode, and could've been served better by an actual, tension-filled space battle that would've done The Siege justice...

It was a great idea to see a Replicator satellite appear in Atlantis orbit and completely own the new USS Apollo and the SGA team like it did. On the other hand though, while I know Rodney recommended against it, why the fuck didn't Sheppard at least try attacking the Replicator weapon with the drones? Those Ancient squids are a hell of a lot more powerful than the fucking standard nukes on a Daedalus-class ship, you know. So not only we were fans cheated out of a decent lightshow of a space battle, but then we were subjected to the rest of the episode more or less consisting of just a giant fucking laser from space shining down on the Atlantis shield. While in concept, it was a kickass idea, it just wasn't the kind of excitement that I was hoping for from such a high profile, "reset" of a season finale...

Don't get me wrong though, we definitely got some great special effects in there that had me craving for me. While some of it was indeed reused from Rising, it was still amazing to see the city of Atlantis drop down to the depths of the ocean floor once again, only to rise and soar into space like it always deserved to in the first place. While storywise, it made no sense why they couldn't just play it safe and jump to somewhere close to the Atlantis star system and hide there, rather than hoping to find their way to a hospitable planet with the limited resources that they had, that still doesn't change the fact that the CG-sequences there were just so damn mind-boggling amazing that it had me jumping out of my seat in anticipation. While the cliffhanger was cheesy as hell at the end, it still managed to send a chill down my spin, seeing the city ship adrift in the middle of nowhere like it was...

The thing is, for every great graphical showing that this episode had to offer, a character on the series had to suffer. Ronan and Teyla were reduced to being literally the "invisible" people of the cast and crew, relegated to becoming the brunt of Sheppard's clever yet cliche tale of the Fantastic Four. Even Rodney McKay didn't really have a role, as his banter with Zelenka was minimal compared to other episodes of the season, and he spent the rest of the episode providing "oh shit" looks while staring at Star Trek monitors more than any of that classic chemistry he has with Sheppard in almost every other show...

The big question of the day was, did Sheppard and the USS Apollo do the right thing? The writers made a point in demonstrating that Colonel Ellis of the new Daedalus-class Apollo swas a smart and reasonable man who was simply following orders without really questioning them, but were the orders really reasonable? Now, I guess am inclined to go along with Sheppard's line of thinking, that the Replicators don't build that many Aurora-class warships capable of intergalactic travel unless you're planning to go after earth, not just Atlantis...

The thing is, we proved to the Asurans in The Return that earth really is the only race in the known universe (next to the Asgard who never do anything anymore, mind you) who have the combination of technology, strategy and resourcefulness to be a real threat. We demonstrated that we do indeed have ARG weapons capable of destroying the Replicators more than even Ancient weapons ever seemed to accomplish, and they probably scanned Rodney's mind to figure out that we are indeed building satellites capable of wiping out all the Asurans on an entire fucking planet at once. But then again, why is it that took until this nuclear assault with the Apollo's Horizon for the Replicators to actually retaliate against us? As Rodney points out, did we really "poke a sleeping dragon", or was Sheppard right in believing that we really did have to make the first strike to protect earth? I guess there's some real world parallels there, for better or worse, of course...

First Strike really was a great CG-fest of an episode and a great plot point for the series. We got almost every fucking fan-geek moment known to man here, whether it was the nuking of an entire fucking continent with the largest fucking bombs known to two galaxies, or the sight of Atlantis soaring into space with a fucking giant laser beam cutting a swath right through Dr. Weir's fucking tight ass legs and arse. Even Major Lorne got some major kickass time in, shoving a huge ass asteroid right into the beam's path to temporarily save the day. I really must commend all the special effects creators on the series, for more than making up for the costumed abomination of goddam Vengeance last week...

Yet strangely enough, I think I enjoyed Vengeance more than I did First Strike. It's just that, like I said before, this episode cannot really be judged on its own merits. It was a soft reset for the series, and as a result, characters were underdeveloped and overlooked in favour of the big picture. And the big picture being the fact that Atlantis is now adrift in the middle of nowhere with limited resources and time not on their side...

Speaking of time? With Stargate SG-1 being cancelled?... sigh, all good things...

Because with the way things are shaping up? We might as well call season four to be Stargate: Deep Space Nine, for better or for worse...

Now granted, First Strike by its lonesome was better than Allies last year, but falls well short of The Siege when it comes to anything but CG grandeur. I expected better to be honest, especially after the third season of the show almost completely made up for the sucky ass shit of the second...

... but I'm still expecting better for the series, or hoping to at least, when the show returns next season with a new mission in life...

So let's just hope that this 'soft reset' doesn't turn out to be a complete waste of goddam shit like it was with BSG this season...

... turns out to be a great first step for a reborn series, rather than a final goddam strike against the franchise...

... and, fingers crossed, a hell of lot more Deep Space Nine than a goddam Voyager...