IvanF's Uninformed Reviews of the Ninth Season of Stargate SG-1 (2005-2006)...

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- IvanF's Archived, Cut & Paste, No-Name Reviews of
The Ninth Season of Stargate SG-1 (2005 - 2006) -
(The Ori are Introduced, Ba'al has Ba'als, Richard Dean Anderson leaves the series, Cameron Mitchell joins SG-1, Samantha Carter returns from Maternity Leave, Vala gets Pregnant, Teal'c and Gerak go Mono-a-Mono, Daniel Jackson screws over the Galaxy again)

I've always been a huge Sci-Fi fan, and have always been a true Star Trek fanatic at heart. But out of all series? I really do think that Stargate SG-1 as a show has touched me the most out of them all, if only because of the mythology and meaning behind every single series thread...

I've been an avid viewer of the series ever since its second season, and have bought every single DVD boxset there is with the goddam Stargate brand on it. As sad as this is to say, I can't imagine a life without some sort of Stargate in it. So thank God I guess, that at least we'll still have Stargate Atlantis as a spin-off after SG-1 is finally gone...

But if the original Stargate series really has to go out? Then after ten indelible seasons that I will never forget (well, except for the shitty ass fifth and eighth ones, that is...), I really do feel that the series is going out with a stellar supernova of a bang. The tenth season of the show is already gearing up to be one of the best in the entire running of the series, and that's all because its set up of season nine was already one of the best damn years that SG-1 has ever offered...

To be honest? After the god-awful eighth season of the show, I really did think the series should've ended. I mean, sure I loved Threads and thought there was another decent episode or two there in that season. But the vast majority of it, with Richard Dean Anderson phoning in his performances from California and the Goa'uld being nothing but a pittance of a threat any longer, just felt like a complete afterthought compared to all the hard and obvious work that the writers had poured into their new favourite child of Atlantis...

Things definitely changed in the ninth season of the show though, starting right off the bat with the season opener of Avalon. The two parter was often compared to the being the unofficial launch of the new rumoured "Stargate Command" show that would've replaced SG-1. And I do admit, that episode hardly felt like a SG-1 one at times, thanks to the introduction of Ben Browder as Cameron Mitchell and the return of Claudia Black as Vala Mal Doran. If anything, the show had become more of a Sci-Fi reject one, with Farscape bringing up the forefront and Lexa Doig from Andromeda taking up the rear (not that any of us were complaining about that prospect...)...

The Goa'uld were mostly gone, except for the odd exception of Ba'al once in a while. Instead, the Ori with their Priors were introduced. And at first, of course I was hesitant to actually welcome a new enemy with open arms, a foe that not only ripped off the Goa'uld in all their religious bullshit but also the goddam Star Trek Borg with their whole "We Are Ori" talk. I never really thought an enemy born of the merging of both Buddhism (the Ancients) and Christianity (to some extent), could become an antagonist that I can both really fear and relate to at the very same time...

Stargate SG-1 has always been about mythology. And after so many years of forgetting all about that by concentrating on the science of the galaxy instead? The series had finally returned to its roots, so to speak, by introducing a completely new twist on the legend of Merlin, King Arthur, and the Knights of the Round Table. Originally, I had grown so used to mythology from Ancient Egypt and Greece from the series that I even was hesitant to accept anything so "recent" as even the mention of the legend of Camelot on the series. But the writers behind SG-1 just poured so much attention and adoration into their new concept of Merlin being a formerly ascended Ancient, that how the hell could my pride not fall before the holographic knight in the end?...

True, it was a bit of a leap of faith, to link Merlin's descension to creating a weapon needed to fight the ascended Ori in the future. But while the main concept was a bit far-fetched, there were just so many goddam amazing episodes along the way, each packed with both action and more of that goddam mythology that I've loved from the series since day one...

Avalon and Origin will always be remembered for just how far the writers were willing to take the series to new limits, even going so far as to burn Vala at the stake as a heretic. The meetings with the Priors and Doci just weren't both comical yet threatening at the very same time, but they were even enlightening to the moral dilemmas of the world as well. I'm sure the writers will never admit this, but the real life parallels of the religious fanatics in the Ori galaxy don't just bring to mind the misguidedness that Catholicism once shared back in the Crusader and Inquisition days, but also about what the fuck is going on in the real world right now...

Beachhead and The Fourth Horseman both furthered the threat of the Ori to new extremes, truly making them into a badass enemy, the likes of which we haven't seen since we were completely helpless to the Goa'uld back in season one. I must've watched the final sequence of Beachhead a dozen times at least, as the sight of the fucking Supergate was simply jaw-dropping, and it truly was the kind of fresh idea that I wish the writers had kept on routinely coming up with over the course of the series of the show...

The first half of season nine was one of the best that I have ever witnessed from Stargate SG-1. Sure, not everyone agrees with my assessment, as not everyone out there can truly relate to the Catholic and theology ideals that were so present during the first ten episodes of the season. The second half of season nine was nowhere nearly as well put together or overall exciting in terms of mythology and action, but there were still a few gems there hidden along the way...

Prommie, oh poor Prommie! Ethon wasn't the greatest of hours of television ever told, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that my heart sank when earth's first ever space battlecruiser had its hull gnawed to shreds. Camelot was another episode that was almost painful to watch and bear, yet I managed to hold steadfast and true after witnessing the brutal Wolf 359-like beating of the fleet when the Ori sent their scoutships through the Supergate. I do wish that the writers had developed more of a season finale than they did, as Crusade was a waste of an episode in my honest opinion. But how the fuck can I stay mad at them, when they probably produced one of the most epic space battles in the history of Sci-Fi television when the Korolev and all its fucking Russian red shirts bit the Ori dust?...

The ninth season of the show had two extremes, with one being the uber-seriousness of the Ori threat, and the other being the old skool, standalone-episode kind of campy fun that I've always loved from the series in the past. Off the Grid had some of the coolest Cameron Mitchell gun-totting action in the history of the series to date, Ripple Effect had the fun of not just the return of Doc Frasier but also Geeky Carter as well...

And Prototype? Well, Prototype wasn't really comical or anything, but how the fuck can't I find it amusing to see Marcus Van Schiver (now of Blade: The Series fame) kicking ass and taking names in Stargate Command as an evil Anubis clone of a Jedi? It was pretty much a bottle episode that barely affected anything later on in the series (except for the anti-Prior weapon), but it was done just so well in bridging the Anubis of seasons six through eight with the new threat of the Ori, that I actually find myself enjoying every fucking second of that episode time and time again. And all the ass kicking and bullets blazing at the end was just pure gravy on an episode with such strong writing, that I personally considering Prototype to be my favourite episode of the entire ninth season of the show. Who would've thunk?...

The writing was simply amazing in season nine, with the first half being right up there with the absolute best of the series' glory years...

And as much as it pains me to say this? It was actually a smart move to replace Richard Dean Anderson on the show, if only because the new blood of the new actors (and the fact that RDA didn't need to phone in his performances anymore) brought back the real team chemistry of the SG-1 team that had been missing from the show for God knows how many years...

Cameron Mitchell was sort of thrust into his role of the team leader of SG-1. At first, he was force-fed lines that would've went to O'Neill in previous years, and it just never really suited his role. Over the course of the season, however, Ben Browder really started to step into his own shoes and brought his own form of spin and comic relief to the series. He was never really great at the serious undertones of the Ori, and he never really did have much chemistry with anyone on the series except for Carter (ironically, he didn't seem to fit in well with Vala either...). But it was still just fun to watch him call out the Prior in Beachhead with "earth minutes", exchange food recipes with the captured Prior in The Fourth Horsemen, blast the hell out of countless Jaffa in Off the Grid, and absolutely get his F-302's ass kicked in Camelot...

Amanda Tapping had a baby right after the eighth season of the show, which was one of the reasons why perhaps the series should've ended then and there. As a result, she missed the first six episodes of the ninth season show or something, and her presence was sorely missed. I did love her return in Beachhead, but perhaps her return did come too soon. It took her a long time to finally seem like she wanted to be back with the team again, but the actress finally did manage to regain that charm. She was awesome in later episodes, especially with her geeky Carter self in Ripple Effect. She had great chemistry with Cameron Mitchell the whole way through, she brought forth the banter with Daniel Jackson that was so sorely missing after RDA left the show, and she even seemed to open up to Teal'c. How often does that happen?...

Teal'c has been wasted in a lot of seasons, and he definitely was ignored in the latter half of season nine. However, for the first half at least, he had strong characters arcs going with the formation of the new Jaffa nation. He was so damn proud of all his accomplishments back in Threads, yet early on in season nine, the poor man looked like he wanted to cry. His relationship with Gerak was one of the best things that Teal'c as a character has ever had since before he first got Tretonin, and the heart to heart talk on Chulak was perhaps some of Christopher Judge's best damn acting on the series to date. It's a shame that Teal'c was wasted later on in the season, as he even didn't seem to get any real moments in with the Sodan. But at least we didn't have to put up with any lame-ass Rya'c or Ishta episodes for once or any crap like that...

He's like that wacky, pedophillic uncle that we all seem to store in the closet until the New Year's party. That twang in his voice is annoying as hell, he seems to never respect anyone's privacy, he has none of the revered presence that General Hammond had while sitting in that chair, and the relationship with his daughter was one of the worst things the series had ever brought forth upon an unsuspecting audience...

God, what were the writers thinking? Did they want to lose viewers and get the show cancelled? WTF?...

I was all for bringing Lexa Doig into the cast, as she was always the hottest of fucking lookers on Andromeda. She isn't really a bad actress, and got to prove that she has a role on the show by her decent performance in The Powers That Be. It's just that, if there was any one true fault to the ninth season of the show? It's that the writers had to roll our eyeballs right out of their sockets with all the goddam teen angst, Smallville, soap opera crap going on between Doctor Caroline Lam and her goddam wacky, pedophillic father of a general...

A lot of fans also thought of somebody else as a mistake for the series, but I for one beg to differ. It took some time for me to be convinced though, as we were (re)introduced to Vala Mal Doran in season nine, and considering I absolutely hated her guts in Prometheus Unbound (one of the worst episodes in the fucking entire history of the show)? I was absolutely shocked when I actually started to love her character as the season wore on. She really won me over in The Powers That Be, totting that P90 of hers as the badass pigtails bitch that she became. And in Beachhead, she really did it all, warming my heart with her goddam cutie basketball play, and then sacrificing it all just to have a fucking evil alien of a baby over in the Ori galaxy...

But if season nine truly belonged to any actor and any character? With RDA out of the spotlight, it was Michael Shanks' time to shine, and goddam did he ever deliver. With the focus of the series returning to its roots of mythology, and Amanda Tapping being away on maternity leave, the writers finally wrote the Daniel character the way he was always meant to be portrayed. Sure, he completely fucked things over by going to the Ori galaxy in the first place, but after that? He proved loyal, intelligent, witty and open-minded through episodes like Origin, The Powers That Be, The Fourth Horsemen, Ethon, and Camelot. He always spoke from the heart, he was always there for the team, and he always got to kick ass and take names when diplomacy failed (which, quite frankly, it always does)...

Season nine truly was just one of those seasons that I know I will love and cherish in my heart for a very long time. Hell, I've already rewatched the entire season in frothing anticipation of the tenth this summer, and except for a few rough spots around the latter half of the ninth? It really all ranks up there with some of the best damn Sci-Fi that not only Stargate has done on a whole, but also out of all goddam Sci-Fi series that I've ever witnessed to date...

I originally thought the series should've ended back in the eighth season of the show. Threads would've been a perfect series finale (not goddam Moebius though). And at that point, I really thought the series had hit a low point, and should've just been put out of its misery...

And thanks to the Ori and the new life they've breathed into the series? Season ten so far is shaping up to be even better...

So if Stargate SG-1 has to go down? It's going down fighting, firing P90s out of its battlecruiser windows...

I personally can't help but just sit back, look back on it all, fish in a pond that was supposed to have no fish...

... and thank the writers for these two final seasons, that have wiped out the horrible mediocre memory of the latter...

So here's to ten fucking seasons of one of the best Sci-Fi series ever produced...

Notable Episodes: Avalon (Parts 1 & 2), Origin, Beachhead, The Fourth Horseman (Parts 1 & 2), Ripple Effect, Ethon, Off the Grid, Camelot
Best Episode of the Season: Prototype

"It's been a long time coming, but Sci-Fi Fridays are finally back on the small screen...

... with the two Stargate series being the crown jewels and Holy Grail of the lot, in my honest opinion at least...

Stargate SG-1 ended its disastrous last season with a bit of potential, as Reckoning and Threads both did kick ass...

And Stargate Atlantis? Need I really say more?... as the series was so unbelievably remarkable in its incarnation season, that my expectations for its second one were and still are simply off the chart...

I suppose that Stargate SG-1's Avalon (Part 1) was decent... decent enough, give my expecatations at least...

The series writers tried to retool and remake the show into something new, something fresh, now that both the Goa'uld and Richard Dean Anderson are sadly out of the way...

But really, did they really have to relaunch the show as Farscape SG-1? Because I really fucking hated Farscape back in its time, and I certainly am finding now that some things just never change...

Ben Browder as Lt. Col. Cameron Mitchell did alright, I guess... A lot of fans have been complaining that he's already become Major Sheppard lite, who was already Richard Dean Anderson lite in the first place... But in my honest opinion? If anything, Mitchell is not enough like Sheppard or O'Neill yet to keep my interests. Every time Browder makes a sarcastic witty comment, like the "bullets bounce" one, the joke just bounces right back in his face, as the delivery of his lines are all just so wooden... that it almost makes me feel like I'm watching a Star Wars prequel movie or some shit like that...

Claudia Black return as Vala was decent, considering she does provide the only sexual comic relief in the series. And I definitely did snicker at a few of her comments, like "let's make babies", and when she was disappointed with having sex with Daniel or whatever... She looked good in a hospital get-up, I'll give her that. But her leather-clad outfit just turned me completely off, for some damn reason... Also, her sex jokes got old real fast. There's only so many you can take, before they become predictable and boring... I still grin at the chin at some of her inside jokes though, like mentioning to Mitchell that they've never really met. And I suppose the "limited gene-pool" comment still makes me roll around in laughter, considering how many times I've sadly read Browder vs Michael Shanks arguments on the net... But still, there's only so many inside jokes she can pull off before those become predictable too... and then what would we really be left with?...

Some new elements were introduced into the series... Beau Bridges came in to replace General Hammond and Richard Dean Anderson. And I know General Landry was meant to be wry and everything... But every single one of his jokes fell flat right on its face, as the guy was nothing more than boring and dry... His voice was so monotonous, that it nearly put me to sleep. And trying to be a hardass against Mitchell in their first scene wasn't doing anyone any favours, considering the show has gotten long past two generic military types way back in its first season... Landry just had no chemistry with anyone on the cast. Even his chess match with RDA felt off and out of place... although I guess that had more to do with General O'Neill departing than anything else...

... sigh... the show just won't be the same without Richard Dean Anderson. He was truly the glue, the focus, and the fucking producer of the fucking show... It was sad to see him go in Avalon. The real problem though was, it was even sadder to think that this was his final performance (or one of his last) on the show... RDA tried to look sad and poutty in his chess match, about selling his house and stuff. But that's not the RDA we've come to know and love, as he didn't even try to make a sarcastic witty comment. Hell, he even ended up sounding smart with his Douglas quotes and all, something he really hasn't done since season one or two... And his hospital scene? I don't know, but he never really interacted with Mitchell like he did with Sheppard, so somehow it didn't really feel like he was passing the torch... More like passing the buck really, as I can only imagine the show can go downhill from here...

And WTF did Sci-fucking-Fi do to the starting credits? For eight fucking years, we had classic Stargate SG-1 music... and now, we get a fucking wormhole-Xtreme-worthy clip at best? WTF is wrong with the fuckers?... uggh...

... but still, as always, there are still elements of Stargate SG-1 that keep pulling me back...

Teal'c didn't do or say much this episode, like always. But it made sense that he would return to his people, and help form a government. It actually made sense that he would leave SG-1, considering he knew the Goa'uld were barely a threat... But if there is a new threat on the series? It's definitely got to be the Jaffa, right?... Unlike the Goa'uld, they are unified. They are also the most technologically advanced race in the galaxy, and control more planets together than any single Goa'uld ever did... But the Jaffa are also aggressive, and finally in a position to attain the power they never could before. If there will be any true enemy to the Stargate team this season and to Tea'c, it'll be the Jaffa... and that new kind of edgy feeling is definitely worth watching season nine for sure...

Carter was missing in action. And contrary to popular belief, she did not look hot with her hair all sexed-up like that on the monitor screen... But Amanda Tapping is on maternity leave, or was for the taping of the first five episodes of the ninth season. So really, I can't complain... Let's make babies, I always say. And it's nice that a kind hearted woman like her finally got to, you know... have hot sex and make babies...

Michael Shanks has just got to lose the beard. Sure, I know that if you mess with the 'fro, you've got to go. But he's got to go, if he thinks he can get away with looking all badass scruffy like that... Still, I absolutely loved his performance in Avalon, considering Daniel Jackson was back to his nerdy self. I just can't help laughing during his presentation of Merlin and Avalon in the briefing room, as he had to talk insanely fast since nobody was giving a damn what he was talking about... yet he kept on ranting and rambling on anyhew. You gotta give him kudos for that...

Shanks had nice chemistry with Vala again, as the pillow scene was probably the funniest gag the actor has done in quite a while. And yes, the Prometheus did bring back decent memories, as the place where Vala nicely beat him with a fire extinguisher and all... And if anyone helped ease Ben Browder into his role, it was definitely Shanks. Mitchell was just boring as hell while trying to get Daniel to stay on the base instead of going to Atlantis, but the scene was saved when Daniel woke up the moment with his apartment key... and of course, once again, we got that lovely and interesting comment about the "limited gene-pool" on our fair planet... That at least made Mitchell worthwhile to be on screen for at least a minute or two...

But still, there were just two reasons why I still enjoyed Avalon (Part 1) for what it was...

One, we got more action sequences from the battle over Antarctica... It kinda sucked that Mitchell was such a pussy in that fight, getting his ass kicked and everything. But damn, if only Atlantis didn't upstage SG-1 an hour later, I would claim that the battle against the Goa'uld was one of the best battle sequences I've seen in a long time...

And second? If only because Daniel Jackson finally got to be his nerdy self again, I did enjoy the Avalon aspects of the whole episode... The writers certainly did their homework, even mentioning that the sword in the stone was not Excalibur like most would expect. And it's always great to see Michael Shanks as an actor, so interested and engulfed in his role... I for one may not like the fact that Merlin, a guy from only 1000-1500 years ago, was perhaps an Ancient living amongst earth. But still, I've always been a big fan of Arthurian mythology...

... and if anything, the ninth season of Stargate SG-1 has just to be at least better than that King Arthur movie, right?...

... or better than Stargate's eighth season at least... though that's definitely not saying much..."

... there was an SG-1 episode that was actually interesting again, for a change...

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm still on my Stargate SG-1 hating binge, as Avalon (Part 2) just had awful pacing in its second half... I won't even bother to mention how drawn out the whole procrastination of a proclamation or whatever, that six hour ceremony for the Orii turned out to be...

I was disappointed that the whole thing about Merlin and King Arthur was done and over so quickly. Afterall, all we did get was a mention of them in Avalon (Part 1) with a lovely sword in the stone... and not even a holy grail to show for it in the second...

But the whole bit about the new history of the Ancients, was definitely the kind of thing that suckered me into Stargate as a series in the first place... I don't really like the idea of Earth being known as "Avalon" before. But it makes sense that the Ancients were once called something like the "Alterrans" (note the "Terra" word in the rear...)... And the idea that they came to our galaxy fifty million years ago, has opened up a huge amount of new story options for the cast and crew. I for one, am excited about that, at least... and hopefully the writers are too...

As a techie, I feel compelled to note that Avalon (Part 2) does seem to make the Asgard seem infinitely inferior to the Ancients at first glance... Previously, the Asgard seemed to outmatch the Ancients in three technological categories: intergalactic hyperdrive (Asgard can travel millions of light years in just hours or minutes), beaming technology (which requires no receiver station like the rings or the Atlantis elevators do), and intergalactic holographic communications...

But in Avalon (Part 2), the Ancients kinda did make the Asgard look stupid in comparison... I mean, Merlin had Star Trek: TNG holodeck quality holoentertainment for himself (oh, the possibilities...). And the Ancients had the ability to travel billions of light years across space (though it did take them thousands of years to find Earth... don't know if they were making pit stops along the way...)... Don't know about the Ancient beaming technology in the caves though. The sound it made was pretty much identical to the Asgard one (meaning, it could be a modified Asgard transporter for all we know...). And it's possible that there were hidden Ancient receiver stations in the cavern grounds, just like the ring platforms are often barely visible in the ground, but still...

Poor, poor Asgard... Hermiod would feel like an infant compared to these guys (and look like one too, all naked and all...)...

I liked Colonel Mitchell this episode. I know the internet has already blasted the writers, for giving him one of those cliche "proving myself as the new guy" scenes, but I for one loved his battle against the knight in shining armour... Not only did the battle kick ass, because Mitchell got his ass kicked. But the actual swordplay wasn't bad at all, with a few actual decent moves that would give Teal'c a run for his money... And later on, when Mitchell was mocking Daniel Jackson about his babbling talk one moment, then stiffing back into posture as soon as the General overheard him through the door? I personally was relieved that we got a scene like that, since we haven't seen Jack or even Sam in the past few years, ever really care about military protocol the way that Mitchell did there...

Vala wasn't so bad either. Claudia Black really toned down her performance this episode, and thankfully didn't try to overshadow everyone else like she did in the first Avalon episode... It was great just seeing her with a tiara on her head. She didn't even make mention of it, and it was funnier that she didn't... Now, like I said earlier, I couldn't care less about all her scenes in some fat, blonde bitch's wench of a body across the universe. But her burning at the stake scene as a heretic?... I don't know why, but I've always had a thing for bitches getting burned at the stake (don't ask...). And thank the Orii gods, Stargate SG-1 filled my requisite quota for the week... Even better, after all the flamings and flayings, and she was brought to life? When she made her remark about the tingles not being about Daniel, I actually laughed for once at one of her sexual jokes. It was a true comic relief moment there...

... although laughing like a lunatic at her dress being on fire, might've been one as well... though maybe that's just me...

Teal'c didn't have much to do, as always. And worse yet, his patented key phrase of "indeed" was stolen by Hermiod an hour later. That naked bastard!... Still, even though the politics on Dakarta didn't interest me one bit, I know that Garak in charge of the free Jaffa will certainly have consequences in the near future. And it was always great to see Raknor again, especially after we all thought he bit the big one back in Reckoning last season... If there's one thing that Christopher Judge is doing better this season, it's showing the division of his loyalties between the Tau'ri and his Jaffa nation. Without even saying much, you could just tell on his face that he feels like he's betraying both sides of the coin... without stealing it like Vala did, at least...

I was disappointed in the solutions to the two puzzles at the start. Mitchell's wasn't bad, considering I for one wouldn't have seen the mirror images on the coins that quickly... but why the fuck was Daniel's puzzle so ridiculously easy? Sure, it tested whether you were truly gullible or not to steal the coin. But really, at least in this day and age (though perhaps not back the past), who would really steal a fucking trinket, when it could ruin your chance at heaping the whole treasure?...

I did like Daniel Jackson this episode... He had a lot of great comic bits, especially the moment where yet again, he rubbed in the fact that he missed the Daedalus. And once again, he was as interesting of a character as he was back in the earlier seasons of SG-1, all thanks to the fact that he couldn't stop blurting out shit when it came to the completely uninterested General Landry in the hallway (who sucked this entire episode, next to his office basketball net, by the way)...

Now, I hated pretty much every scene in the Orii worshipping galaxy or whatever. But if there was any reason why I kept watching, it was because Daniel Jackson was truly selling his role, with a kind of passion I haven't seen from the actor in a long time (or since Threads, at least...)... He really seemed to care about Vala when she was burned at the stake (guess he finally saw that she was hot...). Either that, or he was just trying to get his real-life wife real jealous on the set... gotta get those nooners in, oh yeah...

... and you just gotta love his "oh" reaction, when Vala was telling the Minister's wife to try "procreation... with herself..."...

The slow scenes about the Orii did definitely take its toll on this episode, preventing it from being anything above average for an SG-1 episode, at least...

... but how the hell could I possibly not give props to the episode, that finally introduced Lexa Doig as Dr. Carolyn Lam?...

I've wanted Lexa Doig on the show ever since I was amazed by her, umm, assets, back during the first season of Andromeda... Now, sure she was a horrible actress in Avalon (Part 2). The fact that she was all still bubbly and cute when giving a sedative to the dying Vala, or the fact that she almost seemed like she was flirting with the fucking General over his fucking desk, definitely made her acting range seem pretty much in the same league as Jessica fucking Alba's...

But just like I can't help but fall in love with every single moment Jessica Alba is on the big screen with her big titties?...

... seriously, how can I ever hate the adorable face that everyone's favourite Rommie has?...

No matter how bad of a line she utters?... no matter how terrible of an actress she becomes?...

... the only thing a true nerd like me can ever do?... is simply nod my head, yield a pussy whipped smile, stare intently at her bra and panties, and chant out as if I'm worshipping the Orii...

But still... for every slow moment in the show, there was an exciting truth revealed about the Ancients... or even their distant cousins, the Orii...

... three good sci-fi episodes in a row. And three positive reviews in a single night from the no-name whiner...

Truth be told, every single episode aired on Friday was at least decent. Making the choice of the IvanFian episode of the week into perhaps the hardest no-name choice for me to make in the past several years...

In the end though, the nod just has to go to Origin... Even if perhaps Origin lacked the action of Atlantis' Runner, or the ramifications we got in BSG's Fragged, there's simply no denying that Origin capped off an overall brilliant three-parter arc to open up the ninth season of Stargate SG-1... If Origin doesn't quite deserve the episode of the week award, then the ninth season of SG-1 as a whole so far definitely has...

Before I forget yet again to note this shit, let me get off my chest that SG-1 really does seem fresh and new this season... Part of it is because of the craft and care made to the sets, as the worlds of the Ori have some of the best damn designs I've seen from SG-1 in years. Not only was the City of the Gods rivaling the majesty of Atlantis on the outside, but I just loved the absolute craftsmanship and vision the set designers put on the inside...

And perhaps the absolute strongest suit of the three parter opener for the season, has been the Medieval-like choir music. Whether Vala was being burnt at the flames, or Daniel was joining in on the fiery brimstone fun as well, I was amazed at just how epic the whole soundtrack to the ninth season has been so far...

And yes, contrary to what I believed after hearing of them the first time, I really do revere the Ori as a formidable opponent now... A lot on the internet have complained that Origin made fun of Christians too much. And to a small extent, I do agree, as all the mocking of "grandma's" felt like a short jab to Jeb Bush's side or something... But on the whole, the Ori do not represent the Christian Church. Nor does the show represent an anti-religion stance, no matter how many on the internet now seem to think so... If anything, the Ori are demons from hell, while the Ancients might as well be considered our guardian angels. Both sides are unable to affect our free will, but one side obviously has a better opinion of "enlightenment" than the other... and obviously, the SG-1 writers favour one side over the other...

And I for one love the introduction of the Ori. Not just because the Priors truly are creepy, in the sense of their religious fanaticism (and apparently, suicidal spontaneous combustion as well). Not just because the Doci guy reminds me of Charlton Heston, giving a NRA speech about his religious love of guns or something. But rather because the Priors and the Doci and the Ori have truly brought the SG-1 series back to its roots... True Stargate in its first three seasons, was always meant to explore the meaning of religion and its affect on not just ancient societies, but earth's as well. The Goa'uld represented Egyptian and Medieval-Lord feudalism for the most part, and now we have the Ori probably coming the closest to the Spanish Inquisition so far...

Sure, some detested the mention of the word "crusade" on the show, as if SG-1 had become about terrorists taking over earth as a jihad or something... But I for one am welcoming the change of pace, from the sci-fi show that SG-1 had become since season 3 and 4... back to its mythological roots, which suckered me into nine seasons of the show in the first place...

Origin really did feel like a new series premiere for the show, as there was just something so peculiar about that ending to me with Richard Dean Anderson... Part of it was obviously the body doubles and blue screen, as it was obvious that RDA and Michael Shanks weren't really acting to each other in the same room (and the scene suffered from it as a result)... But still, I just found those final moments uplifting somehow. When Jack O'Neill was talking about always winning and saving the world, while Daniel was back on his old skool diatribe about being scared and all? The banter and contrast between the two may not be season one calibre anymore, but it was still back... and it was great that RDA returned just once more, to pass the torch to Ben Browder in the F-302...

I actually like Colonel Mitchell this episode for the most part. Sure, his grandma jokes got old real fast (no pun intended... if that was a pun, at least...). But for the most part, he was just a concerned member of the SG-1 crew in the background, which is all I really wanted from the actor... Unlike all the season veterans on the show, Ben Browder looks like he actually cares about the situations he's in. He looked like he cared when Daniel and Vala were burning up in their comas. And he looked frantic as hell as he was carrying that communications device to the Stargate... He looked like he loved being back in a F-302. And yes, he sure as hell did enjoy mocking that Prior on the planet to death...

Mitchell didn't have many classic lines or heroic moments in Origin, save for the nice save with the Stargate whoosh and all. But no great epic moment was needed for his character, because he was still the one newbie member of the cast, and the only one who really looked like he gave a damn... well, besides Daniel, at least...

I guess I could say the same for Vala too, except her character really doesn't give room to be the caring type of gal... Still, for some odd reason, pigtails and a civilian uniform look really good on the actress. And for some odd reason, I really did like her performance in Origin... Sure, she was mostly subdued, as none of her comments made me laugh out loud. But really, after being burned at the stake, her comedy was pretty much the kind of comedy I expected... All of her jokes weren't laugh out loud shit, but rather subtle comic relief. And it worked if you ask me, as I snickered as she stole an apple from the Ori, or claimed to see the light before being burned alive again at the stake...

I should also note that I was definitely thrown off guard by how much she seemed to care about our galaxy in this episode. Why was she an integral member of that briefing room scene at the end anyhew?... But even more surprising, I didn't mind her presence there. Almost as if she deserved to steal Carter's seat, since she was stealing her lines in that scene anyhew... It was weird hearing Vala care about others. But after being burnt at the stake, it sort of felt real, you know? Like she had actually seen the light or something... after she was lit up, of course...

Teal'c had nothing to do, except grow his hair out even longer and uglier than it was before. He helped introduce Gerak though, who we now know will be an idiot of a leader in the near Jaffa future... Did Teal'c really contribute anything this episode? Hell, Mitchell's comment about Teal'c keeping tabs on the saving-the-world count, was far more memorable than any line that Christopher Judge actually had... Still, just the single raised, marquee eyebrow he gave, when Gerak looked like he was sucking up the Prior? That was definitely a true Teal'c moment... though I definitely hope that through the ninth season, we get a hell of a lot more...

It seems the true star of the new Stargate SG-1 is indeed Daniel, as it was him and Jack O'Neill that started the series in the first place... I personally loved how interested Michael Shanks was in his work. Just the little things he did, like his sudden impulsive outburst while mentioning the Ori finding out about our existence being his fault, made the character feel a lot more invigorated than he ever has in years (next to Threads, at least...)... There were just so many classic Daniel moments in Origin. From freaking out from Mr. Doci of Borg, to whining again about the Daedalus to Jack O'Neill?... to getting his ass kicked and name taken by the Dark Jedi Prior? And to even furiously grabbing the arm of Dr. Lam, as if he was pissed at his wife for some shit she's done in the past?... Origin was definitely some of Michael Shanks best work over the years, along with Threads, Homecoming, Abyss, and dating back all the way to The Crystal Skull...

Some on the net have complained that Daniel sort of regressed. That his curiousity got the best of him, and prattled on too much to the Doci about his own beliefs, as if he didn't remember where all that shit got him with the Goa'uld and the Ascended over the years gone by... The thing is, sure Daniel wasn't his smart and super-hero self in Origin. But he was back to being the naive, intrigued, and overly optimistic voyageur he was in earlier years, the kind of character that I adored in season two... Regression or not, I am the no-name whiner. And I personally am hoping that this old skool Daniel sticks around for a very long time...

Origin was just a completely solid episode, in the same kind of vein that SG-1 had going for it in all its early years... Instead of entertaining us with technobabble and fancy sci-fi special effects, Origin simply told a simple story. A story of the differences in beliefs and morality... and the story of two people getting burned at the fire, really...

It introduced a truly menacing new enemy... if only because the Ori hit a little too close to home for comfort...

It wasn't just a great start to what will hopefully be a fresh and invigorating ninth season of the show...

... and it wasn't just a nostalgic throw-back to every single thing that made the series standout in the past...

"The Tighs That Bind would've been a much more fitting name for this Sci-Fi Friday... but that's a story for another day...

SG-1 has been on a roll for the past three weeks... so it was only inevitable that the average filler episode would eventually seep through...

The Ties That Bind probably looked pretty decent on paper. But it was perhaps a bit too indecent in actual malpractice, to be of any real consequence to the series...

Last week, I mentioned that Vala sort of seemed like she belonged on the SG-1 crew, and that Claudia Black was nicely filling into her niche role on a Stargate series. But that was last week, and this is now... She annoyed me in this episode, not just with her comedy, but with how 'human' and familiar with our things she seems. She's an alien, and yet she somehow knows everything we do about ascended beings and the Atlantis base? WTF?...

But most importantly, all the character development that Vala earned from being burned at the stake seemed to disappear entirely in The Ties That Bind. Sure, we got some decent comedy moments from her, like winking at an old, ugly, female Air Force officer. But for the most part, her presence was just short of whining and grating on the nerves...

Part of it was obviously from the fact that the show just didn't feel like Stargate this week... Maybe it was the Farscape Pulse Pistol that Vala was sporting in the Jaffa bazaar? Or maybe it was because there was a Jaffa bazaar in the first place?... Maybe it was because everyone was dressed like they were trying out for a bad Firefly episode or something, I don't know. All I do know, is that everything in the bizaar just felt bizarre... And everything that took place anywhere else, whether it be in monasteries or in space or sexcapades with Toy Story's T-Rex, just didn't feel like Stargate to me...

Lots of the comedy fell flat on its face in Ties That Bind. The smuggler for a monk, for instance, just didn't have the contrasting delivery in his lines needed for me to ever thank Granis for his presence there... And the return of the Prometheus Unbound aliens? I was disappointed they didn't mention the name of "Hans Olo" this time around. And they were pretty much idiots, considering they just did the usual Austin Powers thing and left Vala in a room alone with just her iddy biddy handcuffs... The space scene didn't do much for me either. The Lucian Alliance was just mentioned as a footnote, and never felt like a real villain. And if I was the SG-1 team, I would've much rather kept that EMP-shockwave Cargo Ship than ever bothering with getting back the power coil and the goddam necklace...

... although the ending, of the bind between them just wearing out, just sort of did give a sense of justice to the world...

Cameron Mitchell was sort of just there, in the background. He didn't really have any real scenes of his own, save for pointing a zat or two at a Jaffa... He did certainly behave strangely when he came out of that elevator with Dr. Lam. Now, at first, I just thought that was bad acting on everyone's behalf, considering Rommie just seemed to hang out there on her sentences... Then I noticed the second watch around, that Mitchell was oddly buttoning his shirt up after coming out of the elevator with her. And General Landry definitely noticed this too, as he just sort of kept watching his eye on him the whole time he was talking to Lam...

By the way, did I ever mention General Landry sucks? I hate his voice, I hate his acting, and I hate the fact that he's in charge... okay...

I would've much preferred Dr. Lam in charge instead, as she looked so damn fine with her hair the way it was, when Daniel was waking up from his coma...

As for Daniel, this was his episode. But just like with Prometheus Unbound, he just couldn't keep the comedy going for 40 minutes straight... He had a few good scenes, like seeing him up close and personal with his glasses when Vala was admitting who they could turn to help for. Or the look on his face, when Vala so lovely crushed his glasses like he does so often with her heart... Now, some have concluded that Daniel must be a homosexual for not going at Vala when she was in his fucking guest bed. But the thing is, even I for some odd reason didn't find her hot there, as pink just doesn't seem to go with her sort of personality and complexion. Weird... Still, though I did love the banter between the two of them for the most part, it definitely did get old at times. Which certainly made the hour long show feel a lot longer than it should've at times...

Teal'c was just there. He had a couple of lines, pointed a few guns, and wore a suit for once. That was about it... indeed...

Oddly enough, I enjoyed the B-plotline of the episode far more than the comedic one, as Landry's shitty ass story at least did move the SG-1 season arc along... And surprisingly, the Washington scene probably turned out to be my favourite in the episode. Teal'c actually got something substantial to say (sort of), Daniel got to get shot down by his own testimony, and Vala managed to make me at least snicker by throwing us men's own penis envy right back into our faces...

Now, I know the audience was meant to side with SG-1, but I couldn't help but see the Senator's point of view. Because as long as the Asgard keep supplying us with shields and intergalactic hyperdrives, then why the hell shouldn't we take advantage of the benefits?... The Stargate is essentially for gathering military intelligence and knowledge. But aside from the miracle-workers on SG-1, it can't stop an actual alien invasion from space or anything. So why not take advantage of the lulls in wartime, to build up as many warships as possible before the next enemy comes along?... Or course, the Ori are the next enemy, and we do need the Stargate to combat them. But I'd feel a lot more reassured if we had both SG-1 on the planet and a couple dozen Daedalus Battlecruisers in orbit, don't you know...

The Pentagon feels that resources should be diverted away from SG-1 and over to the Atlantis mission. I tend to agree...

... and apparently, so do the writers as well, if the continuing string of excellent Stargate Atlantis episodes keeps going the way it has..."

"I've been condemned all week long, to fucking depression and fucking sickness and fucking goddam illness...

... which makes what the Ori offer to humanity, that much more tempting to me...

Because pardon me if I'm letting my headaches and nausea get in the way of my impartial judgment. But this week's SciFi Friday was definitely the weakest overall one out of the new season so far...

The Powers That Be was a rather boring episode in the end. Afterall, what else could I expect from a rehash of Cor-ai, which was one of those first season shit episodes that I hated even when Stargate SG-1 was new?...

Heh... and in an ironic twist of fate, considering The Powers That Be essentially rehashed the whole Teal'c-on-trail storyline? Teal'c was relegated to being just a standing, wooden post in the background... Seriously, did he have any lines at all? And no, "indeed" does not count as a line anymore... indeed...

I can't say that the main premise, of Vala facing the trials and tribulations of her past, was of any real consequence at all... Sure, I kinda felt for the gal, when she was tearing up at the loss of everyone's favourite, goofy, loyal servant. But really, Claudia Black's character just ain't suited for trying to make a drama out of a show that rarely takes itself seriously anymore...

Vala was alright though with the comedy in The Powers That Be. Her banter with Daniel about being his god was decent, and you gotta respect a girl for naming an entire court system after herself... But besides that, we were simply stuck with, simply put, Vala stuck in a cage. It was funny at first to watch her try to squirm her head out of there, but her constant jabs for a rescue mission soon started grating on the nerves... And I really could care less if she really did want to help all those people with her healing device. The last thing that Stargate right now needs is to become Star-gate Wars, with Vala the smuggler taking a turn for the heart of gold worse, like Hans Solo turning into shit in Return of the Jedi...

Besides, thanks to ol' Cameron Mitchell, SG-1's already become the new Fargate of Sci-Fi Friday...

Seriously, the writers are criminally underutilizing Ben Browder's character this season. I mean, except for a few jabs at Vala being the loser in the "god-off" (which was a god-awful joke, by the way), did he even have any lines?... He just literally laid there flat on his back, sick as a doorknob, as if he was trying to just collect insurance checks like goddam Commander Adama over on Battlestar Galactica... It's almost as if the writers, having gotten rid of Lt. Ford over on Atlantis, decided to write all of the character's skits and shit into Cameron Mitchell for the season. Which turns out by mere coincidence, to be absolutely nothing of value or importance at all... Now that's what I'm talking about...

And oh, Landry sucks balls. His lunch conversation with Lam was just plain embarrassing, as he seemed more like a nutcase uncle trying to seduce his niece, than he ever seemed like a distraught father... As for Lexa Doig, really, how can I ever have anything against the gal? She's beautiful as heck, even when she's heckling her father like the bitch she is... She came off as completely abrasive in The Powers That Be, and completely insensitive when it came to the lives of the people she was trying to save. Lexa Doig just doesn't put any real emotion into her lines, as if she's still digging her old skool Rommie role or something... though she does seem to get a few tingles whenever Col. Mitchell mentions them too, just for shits and giggles...

Because yeah, the main story of Vala being on trial for her past shit was definitely not worth tuning in for... but Stargate SG-1 returning to be the Daniel show, definitely was worth an hour or so...

The team dynamic of the first seasons of SG-1 is still missing, but I'll definitely admit that I do find the show's return to the more magical and mythological side of things, to be rather intriguing at times... and a welcome breath of fresh air, after so many seasons of technobabble and technodribble...

Michael Shanks definitely seems to have his heart set in his role. He really seems to spark a fire in his belly, whenever he recalls being burned to death at the stake or whatever... He really did put a lot of emphasis into his thoughts and words, whenever he tried to warn the people on Abydos 245 or whatever of the Ori. He really did seem like the Daniel of old, when he was explaining to that Ori-worshipper on the planet, that all because you don't understand how something works, doesn't mean it's magic... Now that's old skool Daniel magic for you there...

True, I loved the effort the actor put into his role in the debate forum. But I absolutely hate what the writers wrote for him, and I think even the powers that be know that... I mean seriously, WTF? Vala said it best, as really, who's side is Daniel really on?... Sure, we know that the Ori aren't true gods, since they were once in human form. Us earthlings would then just consider them as being 4D and really advanced or something, but not gods... But for the common folk, really, how are the Ori not gods? They can create life, and destroy at will. They're pretty omnipotent, and have the greatest powers in the known universe... And yeah, except for all the hellfire and brimstone crap, what the Priors offer really does sound good. Who wouldn't want to reach enlightenment? And have a little fun with magical powers, kicking ass and taking names in the process as well?...

Seriously, considering I've been fucking infected by the plague this week? Sign me the fuck up...

Daniel nailed a great question in private though. Because really, why do the Ori want every human to worship them?... Do they want more ascended beings on their side, to wage war against our Ancients up there? Do they somehow feed on the poor saps that they do raise up to enlightenment, like a sort of energy-based Wraith? Or hell, do they just want to control everyone, to make sure nobody ever really does ascend ever again, so that nobody would ever challenge the Ori's power?... These are the questions that are making the ninth season of Stargate SG-1 into the most interesting one in years. And these are exactly the type of questions, that made SG-1 into the mystical and majestic series that it still stands as today...

... chalk one up for the powers that be behind the scenes then, for giving us the Ori in the first place...

The thing is, what probably makes The Powers That Be into my IvanFian episode of the week, is the fact that... simply put?...

So, pretty much, just as I speculated at the start of the season, the Ori are most likely the ones who infected our Ancients with the plague millions of years ago. The Ancients then destroyed all life in our galaxy with the weapon at Dakarta, and fooled the Ori into thinking that the Milky Way would forever be devoid of humanity... We got more information on exactly what this virus from Frozen is like. And it's kinda cool actually, how the virus can mutate on the fly like the worst forms of influenza, even to the point of becoming immune to the Goa'uld hand device. Now that's not half bad... and helps make the Ori look like chilling foes in the end, as they conquered a planet without even technically firing a single shot...

Now, I still hate how the Priors, like the enhanced humans from Metamorphosis, can seem to stop bullets in mid-air effortlessly. It's like they're fucking channeling the Matrix or some shit like that... And why was Teal'c wielding his P90? Where was his staff weapon? Couldn't he have tried that?... I much would've preferred to see Vala shoot at the pale moonlight bastard with duel wielded zat guns or something. Though Mr. Joker over there would've probably just deflected them like Force Lightning or some shit like that...

But the smug look of sweet victory, that the Prior gave to Daniel at the end? Telling him to spread the word of what he's seen here, was definitely a lovely rub in the face. And I just loved it, as the good guys really haven't technically lost at the end of an episode, since the early days of SG-1... "Hallowed are the Ori" may be getting grating on the nerves. But the music at the end of the episode was definitely haunting, and definitely one of the reasons why I'm enjoying the ninth season of SG-1 so far, as much as I am Atlantis...

Because to be honest? I was sort of a bit disappointed in this week's Stargate SG-1 episode, considering the title name was conjuring up the greatest of epic images of Saving Private Ryan's Normandy invasion...

But still, Beachhead manages to come out on top as not just the IvanFian episode of the week, but one of the best episodes of Sci-Fi Fridays this season. Right up there with Origin and Atlantis' The Siege (Part 3)...

The Ori truly are menacing. I mean, you can count the end of Beachhead as a victory for the SG-1 team, I suppose... But Nerus was right when he was talking and shitting at the same time, while chomping down on food and shit like that. I mean, if the Ori can't build Super-Stargates like they were trying to, then they might as well come in ships. With power sources like the ones they have, SG-1 can only delay the inevitable... or some MWAHAHA shit like that...

I mean seriously, it was a nice idea to piss off the SG team, by making an energy field that feeds off our most powerful weapons. The "Super-gate" was such a kickass idea. And the Ori really made the Asgard look like little naked children, when it came to showing them off with their ability to make black holes out of frickin' planets... And it's nice to see the term "Naquadria" back, as that fucking waste of a gate-buster bomb was perhaps the only remaining legacy of Jonas Quinn's tenure on the show...

But seriously, why the fuck did the Ori need earth and the Jaffa to feed the energy field with their weapons? Are the Ori really too cheap or just plain dumb, to send along their own goddam bombs and speed up the process? WTF?...

Well... at least we know that fucking multi-gigaton bombs can blow up shielded Priors now... chalk one up for the good guys, I suppose...

Now, I normally I'd just go on my usual hating spree, complaining that Vala overused her sexual innuendo shit yet again... and to some extent, I sort of do agree... with myself, I mean...

But really, for her farewell episode? I found that the writers made her a lot more likable. And lot more sexy, come to think of it... The scarf was a nice touch. Then again, the SG military garb she was wearing was pretty damn nice as well, just like it was at the end of the Powers That Be... And as soon as Carter came along, it was like Vala just turned on the jets with her little cutesy mannerisms that turn guys on. Before the SG-1 team was finally departing through the Stargate as a complete team, Vala was prancing about in such a childish, girlish way, mocking SG-1's little "Stargate club", that all somehow worked for her character, you know?...

I could've done without all the references to "size" and "shrinkage" or whatever sort of crap that I normally write into my reviews. But still, the character kinda felt like she fit into the team dynamic in Beachhead... Her sacrifice at the end didn't seem so noble, considering it was cheapened at the end by the thought of her getting sent somewhere in the Ori galaxies. But hey, maybe she'll pull an Abyss or something?... Why don't we guess how many times she'll be burned to death and then brought back to life? I'm sure Jackson was smirking about it while he was stoned up on morphine in bed...

Now, Landry still fucking sucks. Nothing will probably ever change my stance on that. But I suppose it says something about the decent writing in Beachhead, when even I have to admit the General had his first decent scenes of the entire goddam season... His phone conversation about Colonel Carter, while Carter was just standing there in his doorway, actually made me laugh in the end. Even without Jack O'Neill there, there was still somehow an RDA vibe to the moment. And I gotta give props to both the writers and the actor for making that happen...

And when it came to Nerus? Most of the diatribe scenes just rolled my eyes, as even the "rare delicacy" of chicken sounded like a lame ass joke when it was coming from Landry's bullshit mouth. But it was still a tense moment when the general threatened the fat bastard with hunger... I really couldn't care less about Nerus, as the actor's fat ass made listening to any of his Goa'uld speeches into something painfully obtuse and obese to bear. But the painful look on his face at the end was priceless, as he knew even the Ori couldn't save him from fucking starvation...

Pretty much every character in Beachhead was written rather well, as even Teal'c got a few moments to actually get his word across... Sure, it kinda cheapened the effect when both Vala and Daniel knew more about Nerus than even Teal'c seemed to care for. But hey, at least the guy was actually asked a meaningful question for once... There's just one thing I don't get. Why the fuck was Teal'c playing basketball at the SGC, when Gerak was prancing across the galaxy, fucking things up for the free Jaffa?... I didn't mind most of Teal'c's speeches to his political rival. But it just seems weird for everyone's favourite Jaffa, to be preaching about Jaffa shit while he's doing bum reps with Vala over on earth...

Speaking of the basketball scene, while I love the comraderieship in those kind of moments, I just couldn't stand Cam Mitchell in those scenes. I mean, he can't even make his layups go towards the fucking basket? WTF?... Still, besides Origin, Beachhead was absolutely Ben Browder's best performance of his SG-1 career to date. I loved his "thirty earth minutes" speech to the Prior, quoted for truth. And you gotta love the expression on everyone's face, especially Vala's, when they all realized they had nothing else to say for the thirty minutes left... And the "band" gig he was speaking of? It was a tried and true moment, to see the SG-1 team back together again and stepping through the gate, side by side. But Cam Mitchell really made that moment seem special somehow, simply since his character actually cared so much for that Kodak moment, you know?...

Of course, there's another reason why that scene was almost touching and nostalgic, as Beachhead featured the return of Amanda Tapping from maternity leave. And let me just say, that considering she just had a child? She was still looking pretty damn fine in the end... The thing is though, while I loved her "backup singer" reference, it felt more like Carter was the backup singer this time around. She was relegated to just reading off of blank blue screens, and dictating orders from the Prometheus to the team on the surface... She felt like a special guest somehow, not a true member of the cast and crew. Maybe it was just the return from maternity leave or something? Or maybe it was just from the fact that nobody really cared she was back, next to Daniel making a small mention of it in the gateroom...

Season nine has been all about Daniel and mythology so far. Now, while Beachhead really didn't dwell on the mythological side very much, instead giving us a view of an extremely cool "Super-gate", I still thought Daniel was a great part of the episode as a whole... He almost seemed like he was starting to like Vala's company during the basketball game. Yet he was almost smiling in glee, when he realized Vala had sent herself to the Ori as a "message". The ultimate weapon, indeed... Daniel got to show a little cheer and relief, that Carter was finally back with the gang. And you gotta love his five second speech during the thirty minute window on the planet, as the SG-1 team just looked so damn weird in those lopsided astronaut suits of theirs...

I was still a bit disappointed in Beachhead, as the plot was just a bit too predictable for me... Seeing a Super-gate was awe-inspiring, sure. But those metal flying thingies kinda made the Ori seem more technological than they did magical, which kinda ruined the illusion for me... And it wasn't just the Ori who were stupid as ass when it came to force field. I mean, hasn't the SG team seen force fields that absorb energy rather than just deflect it? And if they haven't, then hell, haven't they watched a single season of Star Trek before or some shit like that?...

But every character was good to great in terms of script and character development in Beachhead. And the special effects were some of the best I've seen from the SG-1 team in years...

And as far as I'm concerned? Stargate SG-1 has truly fortified their position, in their new war against Stargate Atlantis this season, at taking back the Sci-Fi throne of a beachhead from me..."

Because I suppose it was a gutsy move, giving us back a Trust episode on earth, even after all the shit that the writers had gotten from us fans over the past eight or so years... I mean, so far in the ninth season, Stargate SG-1 has renewed and kind of reinvigorated itself as almost a completely new and rebranded show. But Ex Deus Machina was a true throwback to all the previous seasons of SG-1, as literally dozens of references to old skool episodes were mentioned, with no real explanations given to the SG-1 newbies whatsoever... I wasn't sure if the formula would work again or not...

But you know what? While it wasn't quite the IvanFian episode of the week, Ex Deus Machina pulled off a deus ex of its own, and somehow turned out to be the most enjoyable show on Sci-Fi Friday, as far as I'm concerned...

With Vala gone, the comedy wasn't really vocal in this episode. But you gotta admit, seeing Jaffa landing on building roofs and tearing apart cubicles, has just got to be one of the most memorable and perhaps favourable sights in the history of Stargate SG-1...

God, I wish some nutcase in a ratchet and clank suit would say that to me one of these days when I'm just jacking off in my cubicle...

Because really, the reason Ex Deus Machina turned out to be a rather decent episode in the end, is simply because of Ba'al...

Even without his traditional Goa'uld voice, the South African actor just had the amazing kind of smarmy, self-preserving sort of presence that you would only expect from a goddam Enron CEO. Ba'al in a business suit just somehow worked, as the guy really does wear the white collar well... I even liked the speeches he gave. The idea of planting an entire building as a bomb was a brilliant twist (if only it hadn't been ruined by the episode preview last week), and I loved his completely insincere way of conveying this message to the SGC... I mean seriously, a Goa'uld would follow our laws? Didn't he just implant symbiots into a bunch of big time CEOs or some crap like that, after trying to take over the galaxy a number of times?...

Now, I personally don't know what to think of the whole cloning thing. I suppose the final scene was supposed to be going for an ominous feel, but it really did sort of make Ba'al into seeming way too campy as a comedic villain in the end... I mean seriously, Ba'al in muscle shirts, golf shirts, and sports shorts, while eating bad take out Chinese food, all at the same damn time? WTF?...

Yeah, I got a good laugh out of the scene, for sure. Afterall, how the hell could I not like a line on television, stating that there wasn't anything good on television?... But I don't know... I'm just afraid the scene ruined the villainous, ominous presence that the actor has built up over the years, ever since his amazing performance in Abyss...

... I'm just afraid he's going to take his Ba'al and go home with it... but I digress...

Because Ex Deus Machina also has to get some props for me, for finally getting the SG-1 team back together, officially at least... Surprisingly enough, the team was basically separated from each other for the whole of the episode. Kinda weird, considering the band barely even had a return concert before going Yoko Ono all over again...

Cam Mitchell was basically given generic lines that any character can have on Stargate. I did enjoy the SG-1 patch scene however, as the long pauses, delays, and eventual nods, helped make the moment into one of the many memorable ones of the episode as a whole... Now, Mitchell did save the day again, thinking up the solution of beaming the entire frickin' building into space (which ends all doubt that Asgard transporters aren't the best in the business... They beamed away Goa'uld motherships in seasons 2 and 3, and now an entire frickin' building? WTF?...). But besides that though, and the patch scene? I don't even remember what Mitchell did... besides fuck things up when it came to the Council chamber, that is...

This was Teal'c's first great episode of the season, and I really do think that Christopher Judge delivered in spades. I mean, I really did feel bad for the heartbroken guy at the end, as he was being torn apart by the fact that his people were now worshipping the very same kind of bastard that the Goa'uld were...

Everything that Teal'c tried to accomplish this episode backfired on him in the end. He thought that female Jaffa on the council was helping him, only to be bitchslapped and led straight into a trap later on. He was hoping that the Jaffa on the Ha'tak mothership would stand down, yet they were all too loyal to Gerak to listen to a damn thing poor Teal'c was saying... In the end, you can't help but feel sorry for the guy. He fought so long and hard for the freedom of all Jaffa, and yet resorted and was resigned to slaughtering them on earth with the Tok'ra poison in the end? And to withholding information from the Jaffa council as well?... sucks to be him...

Daniel Jackson was barely in any of the important scenes in Ex Deus Machina, at least as far as I can remember. I mean, he had that awful scene in the diner with that awfully trusting woman (he sure loves diners, doesn't he?). And he got to look stunned like a deer in the headlights when Mitchell just slapped that patch on his arm, but I digress... But Jackson has had about five or six episodes in a row before as the star and central focus of the entire show. So I guess being left in the shadows in a Trust episode, and playing second fiddle to Carter's pregnant sex life, wasn't so bad in the end...

Now, I hate to say this, but Amanda Tapping did look a little weird, with all that baby fat still around her hips. Still, I thought she put in a much stronger and willing performance in Ex Deus Machina, than she did as just the back-up singer in Origin... It was nice that she turned the tables on Daniel in the van (reminiscent of her being clueless of Asgard beams back in Covenant), as the Prometheus really does beat flying coach. And it was nice to get that completely out of no-where, awkward scene with Agent Barrett, as at least that proved to me that the poor loser wasn't a Goa'uld or something...

It still strikes me as odd that Carter would return to SG-1, only to be demoted to second in command. And her "not really" comment, when Barrett asked if she was seeing anyone? Sure, it sent 'shippers a bone, but RDA just looks too damn old now for close comfort (can't she go for Rodney McKay instead?....)... Now, Amanda's best scene (and the best scene of the episode) came with the SG-1 patches. Her timing and expression in that moment was just perfect... I just wish she really contributed something else in the episode though, besides just waving a magical naquada wand in an office building or whatever...

Granted, Ex Deus Machina was definitely a fun episode. With Gerak, and Jaffa, and cubicles, oh my...

It's just that, it was also a dual pronged episode... as the whole cloning thing was just a bit too silly for its own damn good...

Because really, if any host should be cloned? It's that damn fine business woman he was with the whole time...

Shit. Just when you thought that Atlantis was hogging all the goddam babes, a goddam evil one with fucking brilliant legs comes around to fuck the whole SG-1 team...

But really, what the fuck was up with that last scene? One horny looking bitch, with four or five guys in the same room?...

... Now, I know the Goa'uld have no real defined sex... and I know Ba'al is narcissistic and kind of kinky as hell, but really?...

... I for one would prefer the goddam hot business bitch, in the same damn room with both Sora and Dr. Weir instead...

"You know, judging from all the trailers and spoilers, I never would've thought that I'd like an episode like Babylon...

... then again, I never once believed before I saw the movie, that I'd ever enjoy a film like The Last Samurai either...

But as things turned out? The Last Samurai turned out to be one of my favourite movies of the past several years...

While I know I may not be in the majority by saying this, I kinda really found myself enjoying this episode for what it was worth...

... well, not really... considering Babylon might as well be called The Last Samurai in Space, or some shit like that...

Still, it's kind of hard to believe that I'd ever find an episode like this one to be entertaining, considering there were so many elements that I normally would've just plain hated...

I mean, where the fuck was Carter? Actress wise, Amanda Tapping was probably with her baby. But it just really detracted from the whole SG-1 vibe, by having her basically just pop-up in the background now and again... reminding us of how many damn months she spent looking for O'Neill when he went MIA, in that god-awful season six Furlings episode, yet contributing nothing to the episode but her horniness for the old geezer...

Daniel didn't have much to contribute either. I mean, he even admitted that himself, as only one line of Ancient text really didn't give the character much to do or help with... Hell, the writers had so few lines ready for Michael Shanks in Babylon, that they even decided to channel Jack O'Neill there with his whole, "oh, but it is", sort of line... and it just ain't the same without O'Neill...

And Landry? Fuck Landry. He sucks balls. His relationship with Dr. Carolyn Lam just drags the whole show down... Why the fuck was he staring at his daughter's breasts in the emergency room like a pedo? Or staring at her the same way I was, considering Lexa Doig looked absolutely fucking adorable in that hospital clothing of hers... fucking goddam adorable...

... now where was I again?... oh right, Tom Cruise fucking sucked... but I digress...

I had expected Teal'c to get something to do in Babylon, and yet he was basically put on the backburner for this Jaffa episode. Hell, probably his only real memorable moment was when he was really badly burned, by Volnak's comment that Teal'c was leading the free Jaffa astray from the old ways... Besides that, Teal'c just kept on smirking in the background like a crazy person, while completely wasting his time during the interrogations. Do the Jaffa not know how to pull off decent interrogations or what anymore? As all Teal'c really did was stare with his eyes, and bring in sorry ass excuses for whitewashed Jaffa in with Ori ghost stories...

Hell, even the opening sequence kinda felt mute... I know that the enemy was cloaked. But somehow, just mindlessly firing P90s (which reminds me - does Ben Browder not know how to fire a P90 or something? He somehow looked goddam awkward while providing cover...) at bushes and seemingly invincible trees, just didn't do it for me in terms of the action category...

... Lt. Col. Cameron Mitchell just sort of won me over... the same way he won over that Jaffa guy that was training him, whatever he was called...

I mean, there was one reason and one reason alone why I truly enjoyed Babylon for what it was worth...

... because Ben Browder truly devoted and completely threw himself into the role...

I mean, when him and the Jaffa were fighting? You could just tell that Ben Browder was really digging getting his face dug into the dirt... During the obstacle course, you could actually kind of see the actor kinda having fun, as he was clotheslined upside down by invisible staff weapons here and there... Hell, even in the cliche "pain" scene, where the Jaffa guy was cleansing his wound? The scrunchy look on Ben Browder's face was absolutely perfect for his girlish scream to follow, as the actor just seemed to be oh so enjoying his role immensely this episode...

... and really... if the starring actor could really enjoy himself that damn much... how the hell could I not?...

I dunno, but just like with fucking Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai? Somehow, every single scene seemed to click for Cameron Mitchell in Babylon...

Whenever he spoke with Tony Todd's character about the Ori, you could actually sense some deeper meaning in their words. I actually found myself really interested that Heikon (or Haiku, or whatever his name was) didn't give a single damn about the fate of the free Jaffa. And seeing Cam's face afterwards from that revelation, was just as goddam precious in itself...

And when it came to their later talk of selling their Sodan souls for a "bag of tricks" to the fucking Cigarette-Smoking-Prior? You could literally see the conflict in Heikon's eyes, yet even Mitchell knew in his heart that his lone words can't sway a man of such enlightenment and faith...

... not to mention the fact that since this is SciFi Hercules week it seems (with Xena being on Battlestar Galactica and all), Tony Todd was in his full Hercules Gilgamesh role... selling his good natured, Mesopotamian (or Babylonian, in this case...) leader of a soul, for immortality and the powers of the gods...

Now, I really don't know why I remember that Hercules episode so damn much, or why I always found it to be Tony Todd's best role outside of The Rock... but somehow? I dunno... the actor just seemed to channel the same kind of rage, fury, and wonderful focus from his old Gilgamesh character, into his new misguided, conflicted nature as the leader of the Sodan in Babylon...

... kinda like the Japanese dude in Last Samurai, whatever he was called... except Tony Todd wasn't blown up by fucking Batman in ten disappointing seconds flat, but I digress...

And if there was any damn doubt that Babylon was a pure, unadulterated copy of The Last Samurai? Then just take one good look at any of the training bouts between Mitchell and that Jaffa guy, and you'll see damn Asian kids laughing at Cam's misfortune in the background... They're probably the same damn Asian kids that were laughing at Tom fucking Cruise when he was getting his ass kicked too...

... but you know what? That ol' bag of writer tricks worked a year ago in that movie... and somehow, it still worked here...

Because for some odd reason, I really did love every single fight that Mitchell had in Babylon... Whether he was getting his ass kicked, or simply showing off a block or two, Ben Browder just seemed to get so into his role as a fighter, that his endearment was simply infectious...

Even the fucking fake dual at the end was pretty cool... Sure, the battle finish with the elixir was copied straight from Star Trek's Amok Time. But the SG-1 writers even gave a verbal homage to that episode, with the whole "Bones" reference and all. And I gotta respect Cam Mitchell, for being as much of a goddam Star Trek fan as I am... (now... if they would just rename the Prometheus to the Enterprise, and bring back my goddam, fucking Star Trek Enterprise, I could be a happy man...)...

And the dialogue in those scenes were some of the strongest written all season long... Cam didn't force his beliefs of the Ori on that Jaffa guy, whatever his name was. Instead, he slowly built the annals of trust over the weeks they sparred with his ass on the ground, and slowly and ever so subtlely started asking him questions over time to open his eyes... Now that's what I'm talking about...

And to be honest? Just like with the "conversations" we all now miss from The Last Samurai, I actually found some of the discussions in Babylon to be rather intrinsic and insightful as well... Cam Mitchell talked a lot about faith, and how we on earth have never needed proof to believe in our gods (umm... what planet is he from then?...). I liked the brief mention of our real world somehow, as it brought such contrast to what the Ori really represent... Meanwhile, Tony Todd just wanted power from goddam Dahak, as the man only seemed to want to reach enlightenment, no matter which of the gods were offering it...

And I don't know... but somehow, the two dualling point of views were just written so well into the fabric of the story, that I actually did care to listen for once, you know?... or not really, considering most of the forums are ripping apart this episode as I write this...

... but still, strangely enough? Even though it doesn't have much competition in this regard, I did find Babylon to be the second best Jaffa episode the SG-1 series has ever done, right behind the fifth season's The Warrior...

... and surprisingly enough? I even enjoyed Ben Browder and Babylon enough, to name it as my IvanFian episode of the week...

I mean, seriously. WTF?... I liked The Last Samurai with Tom fucking Cruise of all fucking people...

... and I ended up loving Babylon, a fucking by the books Jaffa episode, against all odds...

... like those fucking, goddam useless, Asian kids chuckling in the background...

"To be honest? I'm still so goddam plagued and confounded, as to how the Stargate SG-1 writers could pull a complete 180 turn from their craptastic eighth season... and produce a ninth season as miraculously awesome as the one we're getting now...

Because seriously? Prototype is absolutely the amazing kind of episode, that should be the ideal model or prototype for all episodes to come...

This was the kind of episode that would've been considered great, even in the glory days of the Stargate SG-1 seasons 2 through 4...

This is the kind of episode, where every member of the cast felt important. And where the team really felt like?... well... a real team...

Now, it is kind of weird that Stargate SG-1 would be competing against itself for best episode of the week or whatever...

But seriously? As good as The Fourth Horseman was, Prototype was just that much more intense, and that much more genuinely interesting... almost in the same kind of way, as great classic episodes such as Torment of Tantalus, the Fifth Race, and The Lost City were to me...

Now, I've never really minded the Goa'uld as villains in the past. Apophis was kind of lame, but he did have his moments. And while Anubis was normally way over the top, I did like what his half ascended character brought to the mix in terms of the background of the Ancients...

But the SG-1 writers in the past have always painted the Goa'uld as conquerors. As pretty much feudal kings and lords, hell bent on power mongering, and never really for the venomous kill...

I think that movies like Silence of the Lambs really seem to prove, that audiences are way more interested in interviews with serial killers, rather than just Conan the Barbarian becoming a tyrant of a king (although I do hear that that movie did kick ass back in its day...)... And Khalek just had such strong lines of script written for his wonderfully, Britishly evil accent, that in just one episode? Anubis Jr really did seem to provide more credibility to his villainous character, than pretty much any Goa'uld has since Ba'al back in the sixth season's Abyss...

I just loved the turn for the worse in his demeanor, as soon as Daniel Jackson told him that he knew all about Anubis' genetic memory. And the conversation that followed, speaking of the pleasure that a man gets from an intimate one on one kill, was exactly the kind of writing that was needed to shake up the show this season... But probably my favourite moments from Khalek, were when he was reading Woolsey like a book. I love it whenever Dark Jedi read the minds of poor weak willed fools, and calling Richard as the "Dick" that he is, was just the perfect kind of eerie comic relief that a truly insane villain brings into the fold...

... and oh, of course, now we finally know what would happen, if a fucking Jedi ever went one on a thousand against the SGC...

What I love most about Prototype, is that it perfectly and profoundly blended science, religion, witty comedy, and nail-biting script writing, all into a single standalone hour of greatness... and it was all capped off by one of the most brilliant battle sequences that Stargate SG-1 has ever done in years (well, since the seventh season, at least...)...

Now, personally I would've tried more zats rather than bullets that could easily be deflected. But really, for the most part, the SGC pretty much did take every damn precaution possible to keep Khalek subdued. This episode left me wondering how the fuck they were actually going to stop him... as Anubis Jr just kicked everyone's asses and took their names, without any real effort whatsoever...

I loved the effect of the deflected machine gun bullets, as it just looks so much cooler than showing shields or stopping bad CG shells in mid-air. And the whole thing with the guards at the door, the Tok'ra force field being one way, and the floor having 50000 volts of electricity, was just analyzed and defeated so damn cunningly and swiftly by Khalek, that his shocking solution (no pun intended) even stunned me...

But what really gets me about this episode, was that somehow there was real closure in the finale... I just loved Khalek's reactions before and after stepping through the gate...

Arrogance has always been the Goa'uld's downfall. And he was just too goddam confused when he found himself right back at the SGC, to even be bright enough to notice that Daniel Jackson was just camping there to his right, with a goddam bullet painted for his heart... if the bastard had a heart, that is...

... and I just loved the camera sweep from Cameron Mitchell to Daniel Jackson in that scene as well...

This was truly a team effort in all regards. As every single character on the cast truly had something meaningful and important to do...

I thought it was brilliant that Samantha Carter rigged the planet's call-forwarding device to return to earth. I never saw it coming until I saw the gate dialing back almost immediately. And yet the solution made so much goddam sense in the end, that I literally slapped my head silly from being as dumbass as Khalek... And Carter was finally back to being the smart, sassy science girl we've always known her as. Whether she was analyzing data from the "ascendometer" (kickass phrase, by the way), or pretending that Lam was really Janet Frasier in an even hotter body, I just got the feeling of old skool Sam back in this episode... it really felt like something out of season three or four...

Even if he didn't get to say it himself, I gotta give Mitchell props for that "ascendometer" thing. Hope that becomes the real name of the device some day... Now, I really don't get why he was dumb enough to push the button on the stasis pod without even asking about it first. Sure, we got a "new guy" rip out of it all, but it just felt too damn idiotic for its own good... But besides that? Cam was quite the man in Prototype... He took the cuts and bruises to the head and just kept on ticking. And I just loved his "intimate" moment with Daniel and Khalek in the end (God, 'shippers would just love to tear the linings off of that phrase...), giving the doctor his props, and giving the devil his due with a dozen bullets into his fucking chest...

Now, I still hate Landry's guts, as the guy is simply too cut and dry with his performances to ever really win me over. But along with Beachhead, Prototype does show some promise for Beau Bridges... Instead of stealing the spotlight with his awful American accent and hooky, pedophillic, uncle-like line deliveries, he simply sat back in his chair this episode, and let the rest of the cast do the talking for him... Sure, he talked his ass off to Woolsey. But for every other scene? He played it just like Hammond would have, listening to council and advice, and simply being the stream and the glue that the rest of the team sticks together through... He played the role of a leader, or a general, finally. He cared about his people, and the actor showed it with his expressions rather than lame ass words. What more can I really ask from the guy?...

Dr. Lam still isn't really growing on me. Not until she actually gets on me, mind you... But just like with Beau Bridges, Prototype was most definitely Lexa Doig's best role on the series to date...

At times, she did her usual thing, acting like she was flirting with Cam, Khalek, and Sam (basically, everyone on the base but her real life husband), with her little quippy, cutesy, girl scout voice... The actress seems to have a hard time delivering lines like an adult. Or she did, until things started getting heated up with Khalek... While I would've loved more cleavage and fucking sex from her in that sense, what I mean is, she delivered all her lines about dopamine and drugs and the Ancient scanner device, pretty much as greatly and maturely as Dr. Janet Frasier would've back in the day... and really reminded me of one of the damn good reasons why season eight really sucked for the show: there wasn't any goddam doctor on the base...

Teal'c didn't have much to do, I admit it. If any cast member was ignored in Prototype, it was him... Still, he got to pull off a few good stunts. While I don't know why he was parading around with a P90 rather than a Zat against an advanced human, that scene where he gets Force pushed right into two serviceman, was definitely very serviceable in the end... And even if he didn't have much to say? I don't know, but his presence in the Anubis lab with Daniel just felt more natural to me than his stalker-like tagging along with Vala and Daniel earlier on in the season...

Prototype belonged to Dr. Daniel Jackson though, as this basically was his interview with a fucking serial killer... I just loved his reaction to Khalek's whole speech about death and intimate killing, as Daniel just flicked his pen and walked away speechless. I mean really, what could anyone have possibly said back?... I loved the fact that the whole briefing room turned their heads around when Daniel of all people suggested that Anubis Jr. was too damn dangerous to keep around. Not only did it show just how much he's matured from the naive archeologist from seasons one and two, but that maybe he has a score to settle as well...

Ra was Jack's baddie. The Replicators had their way with Sam. And Apophis was always Teal'c's worst fear... But Anubis was always Daniel Jackson's true enemy. And the fact that Oma kicked Nubbie's ascended ass, not Daniel, probably didn't sit so well with the good doctor over these past few months... It was just nice that he finally got some measurable sense of justice against the thing that he's been fighting for the past three years, ascended or not. When that bullet sliced through Khalek's shoulder, it just gave me a sense of closure too, you know?...

... and a lot of pleasure... especially to see the goddam onslaught of overkill that followed... guess Khalek was right afterall...

Now, Prototype did have its faults. For one, besides a few crafty lines here and there, it did seem to lack a lot of comic relief (Cam provided most of it, but Daniel was dead tense and serious for pretty much the whole of the show). And I still don't care for Woolsey's, or Woolsley's, or however you spell his name's character... Sure, he may be a villain with a conscience, which gives him some sense of being two dimensional at least. But even though I love Robert Picardo, he plays the character far too dryly for my tastes...

But Prototype wasn't just a great episode for almost every single damn character on the show. It wasn't just an episode with a great villain and a great action sequence... but it was also goddam genuinely interesting, with all the newly revealed information about human evolution and how it can lead to ascension...

I never liked the explanation in season four, that you had to be pure in the heart to ascend. And even though Anubis and the Ori proved otherwise in seasons eight and nine, the path to ascension was never truly explored until now...

Prototype treated ascension not as the kind of magic that we've been spoonfed over the past few years, but simply as a science far beyond our understanding... and it was just fascinating, to see characters like Sam and Lam (or S 'N L, as perhaps I should call them from now on...) care so damnb much for how his brain was functioning, and whether we could ever achieve the same...

Using technology to ascend was a fascinating way of reinterpreting the fundamentals of Buddhism. And just the thought of what Anubis could've done with that Ancient DNA machine (create a new army of evolved humans, or even created an army of ascended beings to fight the Ancients), is definitely a kind of story I'd love to be revisited at a later date...

I loved how this story was integrated so damn firmly and deeply with the current fight against the Ori. Everything felt connected in this episode, as a lovely transition from the past seasons with Anubis, to the new threat of the Priors... Hell, I almost agreed with Woolsey. Having a weapon to fight the Ori, is almost a damn worthy price to pay for the deaths of two or more servicemen... or is it, really?...

By now, the two of you readers out there are probably mopping the floor with all the drool I've spilt from this goddam episode...

I mean, Prototype may not have been perfect, and it may not quite get up there with the absolute best of SG-1...

But the ascendometer is definitely claiming, that at least this episode has now climbed itself up as one of the best damn episodes of this stellar season nine... and one of the best damn episodes of the past few years...

I seriously don't get how the writers could come up with such amazing stories, after the shit they hit the fan (or fans) with back in bloody hell, season fucking eight...

All I do know, is that thanks to whatever magic or miracles or Jedi mind tricks they're pulling out of their fucking rabbit hats?...

"With Atlantis and BSG so far only having decent seasons so far? The Fourth Horseman would've been a fucking shoe-in for best episode of the week, if only it wasn't competing against its own Stargate SG-1 self... Though in the end, this episode was just too much of a set-up for the inevitable Part 2 to follow (about three fucking months down the road, might I add), to really be considered great by itself...

We finally got the full backstory on the Alterrans and the Ori... I personally thought that the returning Orlin blurted it out far too quickly and bluntly for my own tastes. But he did provide us with definitely enough fuel for the fire of forum debates over the next three fucking months of nothing...

So, my earlier guesses were right. Just like some of the "gods" from earth's own mythology in the past, the Ori gain power on their higher planes of existence, by massive amounts of people forking over their free will. And if you believe in the notion of the human soul, than that explanation actually really fits the bill...

You almost feel bad for the Priors then. They believe in something so much and give up their lives for it, yet they never quite get to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or the light coming from the 9/11 buildings, if you get the tasteless connection, I mean...

What really got me about The Fourth Horseman though, was not exactly the explanation of the Ori, but how it made the Ancients seem that much more noble... Imagine if we earthlings could get simple ants and mice to do whatever we wanted them to do. We could turn them into grand armies if we wanted, like some psychotic pied piper. Then we'd be just like the Ancients... the ability to choose domination or not, I mean...

Before, it seemed like they were being arrogant, leaving us to our own free will, simply because they had to get up to the higher planes of existence by themselves. But now, an element of nobility has entered into the fold... Both them and the Ori want to reach the next stage of enlightenment. The Ori want to do it through religion and sapping powers again (like they did to get up there in the first place), while the Ancients are doing it their own way, of free choice and will...

Suddenly, even leaving an entire galaxy to die doesn't look like such a god-awful thing (though picking on Oma back in Threads definitely did make them look like hicksville assholes...)...

... I'd prefer if some of those hot, ascended Atlantis chicks could just fucking bend backwards for me instead, but I digress...

The Alterrans don't want the Ori to gain the devotion of the Milky Way Galaxy, or else they might even become powerful enough to win the war on the higher plane. So now that their asses are on the line too, the fucking Ancients actually want to throw us a bone (and apparently, any pedophiles out there a boner), by letting Orlin come back to help us as a child...

Now, I can't say I quite enjoyed Cameron Bright's performance as Orlin. I mean seriously, I'm all for cute adolescent kids (as sick as that sounds), but getting Bright of all people, wasn't so bright... Does this kid just love roles where he fucks older blondes or something? First Nicole Kidman in Birth, and now Carter? WTF?...

... not to mention the fact, that the kid tried but failed miserably at acting like Orlin... The original Orlin may have been stiff and dry in his performance as a descended Ancient. But his facial expressions were anything but the robotic gestures on Bright's bright and incredibly horny face...

Amanda Tapping shared this episode with Christopher Judge, though I personally preferred her storyline much better to his...

Sam definitely was weirded out a lot from having lunch with not only a kid that still has an obsessive crush on her, but from being with a moron who couldn't even remember what he had just said a second ago... She also strangely enough tried to provide a lot of comic relief, with Dr. Lee the mad scientist listening to fucking rock music of all things. That didn't exactly work, but the virus storyline definitely did...

Now, Dr. Lam sort of didn't really feel natural in her role during the plague... Lexa Doig seemed concerned with things, granted. But you could still tell that she just can't really seem to care about the 8000 or so people dying on paper...

Still, she's definitely learning her place on the show. She's stating all her medical lines with the same kind of emphasis that Doc Frasier had back in the day. And thank God she's not throwing any more hissy fits over her father (although why we didn't get that aforementioned sponge bath with her, I may never know... Why we can't get a fucking hot tub scene with both her and BSG's Grace Park, I may never know either... and why I just thought of all that while I was mentioning Landry as well, I may never know as well... but I digress)...

Landry sucked. He fucking sucked ass. He just looked confused in his role, as Hammond stole the spotlight from him with just his goddam two minutes in a suit... That fucking sucks for Landry. Landry fucking sucks. I hope he gets sick and dies. And that a dog runs over his car or something. Next...

Teal'c reminded me a lot of Reckoning with his performance in The Fourth Horseman. While obviously, half of that was from the return of Judge's brother of an actor, the other half was because he really seemed passionate about the future of the Jaffa nation... It was great to see Bra'tac finally back, and it was even better seeing him and Teal'c on the same page again. All the Jaffa have ever known in existence has been slavery and war. Gerak and the council were choosing slavery, so Teal'c and Bra'tac did one better by picking war...

I suppose that Teal'c didn't really have any memorable lines, so there's really not much to reminisce about here. But he just put that kind of emotion and dedication into his lines that you rarely ever get to see from the actor, and it made every single scene that just more intense, no matter what was being read or said... When Gerak walked into the council room as a prior, Teal'c's face sold me on the scene, not Gerak's words or funky gold face. I'm sure him and Bra'tac will be having a hell of a lot of fun with this situation whenever SG-1 returns three months later...

Cameron Mitchell didn't really provide the comic relief that I was hoping he would. I mean, I did like his responses in the anti-Prior weapon briefing, as a "gun" would've sounded a lot more cooler than a ultrasonic weapon for Amanda Tapping's baby (though couldn't Priors just block against all incoming sound with their shields? Sounds like an easy contraption for them to counter...)...

When it came to the plague, it sort of just showed Mitchell standing in generic spots all over the country. Like one of those country hick, vacation slideshows, to the sound of Halo Warthog banjo music or some shit like that...

Still, what more can you really expect about a story about a plague? You can't really show the kind of kickass action you could in Prototype... Instead, all the dread and fear comes from the real threat of a plague hitting this planet one of these days... it all comes from inside the viewer, really...

Any day now, earth is set for a new killer strain of influenza, knock on wood. We've been lucky so far, but bacteria superbugs are fucking growing stronger and more resistant to antibiotics each and every day...

How much longer will it be before something like the plague in The Fourth Horseman finally hits North American coasts and wipes out millions of us in just a couple of years? I'm praying that won't happen in my lifetime... But the fact is, the threat is very real. Which is why the "influenza" outbreak in The Fourth Horseman, had me hooked on the edge of my seat...

... even with Cam taking camera snapshots, Lam just sticking to the labs, and Sam getting shoved and rammed in the ass by the little son of a bitch that could...

... or at least, somebody as fucking bright as Bright, to getting fucking hot, older women to always fuck the hell out of me...

... I'm sure Gerak and the Jaffa council would too, considering they're ready to sell their souls to the Ori for a chance at immortality...

How the fuck are the writers managing to come up with such amazing episodes like Prototype and the Fourth Horseman, after they fucked us all over with their goddam eighth season?...

Sure, I was disappointed that we got no real action this episode, as it was simply just a set-up and a cliffhanger for the eventual opener to the second half of the season... but still, even so...

... it's like the fucking writers sold their souls to the fucking devil for scripts and ideas such as these...

Stargate Atlantis only being decent... while Stargate SG-1 is being pure goddam bliss, the likes of which I haven't ever consistently seen since at least season four...

... I mean, if you had told me all that last year, I would've sworn to you that you were a crazy man...

"Stargate SG-1 finally aired The Fourth Horseman (Part 2) on SciFi Channel last night, making it about the fourth or fifth best episode of the season... and about the fourth or fifth more than decent SG-1 episode in a row, to be honest...

The series in its ninth season has been experiencing a sort of renaissance, or a resurrection if you will...

Meaning what? Meaning, while the conclusion to the Fourth Horseman wasn't nearly as effective to me as the first half of the two-parter was? It was still a decent hour of television, and probably my favourite episode of the week as well...

Now, it was plagued by about the same problems as the first part of The Fourth Horseman did, namely that the pacing was a bit slow and the disease spreading across the globe just didn't have the same feeling of dread as you should get from a global pandemic...

The problem was anemic really, whatever the hell that means. We were constantly being told of just how many people were dying, as if I was reading up on a daily list of shit on the internet... But except for a few Hazmat suits and Landry of all people trying to get compassion from me for dying, I really didn't see really feel or perceive anything deadly about the plague. It was just sort of there in the background, as I normally get a far worse feeling of seriousness and dread from reading about one goddam death from Big Bird Flu in the papers now and again...

I mean seriously, he and his daughter aired their dirty Landry laundry over the fucking comm speaker, in a fucking emergency war in front of everyone else dead and dying? WTF?...

At least Lexa Doig was fucking smoking hot as hell with her hair down and cleavage showing in the fucking conference room in the end, but Landry just fucking sucked ass... though dare I say it, he wasn't the only one...

Orlin was absolute shit here again, as Cameron Bright (or Blight? I forget... whatever...) is about the dullest and most dimwitted actor I've ever seen outside of goddam Smallville. Sure, I understand that he was trying to seem as if he was losing his mind and losing his memories. But did he really have to act as if the Ancients deserve to partake in the goddam Special Olympics or some shit like that?... Most of his scenes were just goddam pointless. Most of his lines consisted of nothing more than him complaining that he has to finish his work before his mind goes kablooey. And we were fed the same shit over and over again, as if the writers had Alzheimer's disease and had completely forgotten that these same goddam points about Orlin had already been hammered home a dozen times already in the episode, let alone the prequel...

But there were definitely some bright spots to his performance, namely Orlin's unfortunate end... Maybe it's just because my own grandmother is sort of going through the same thing, but I felt terrible for Orlin after seeing him in a nursing home or a mental institution or whatever. His condition was all too reminiscent of Alzheimer's, which to me feels like a far greater plague than the fucking Ori flu ever will be...

It's disheartening to know that the most intelligent or even the most loving and caring people on earth will live out the rest of their lives no longer knowing who they are, what they've done, who they've done, and whom they've ever loved. Like I said, my grandmother is going through the same thing... and I couldn't help but feel bad for Orlin as the greatest of Ancients had sacrificed all he had known, just to die as a mortal with no memory of his millions of years of existence or whatever...

Oh, to give up immortality just to help out a few insignificant people. Trading omnipotence for impotence... Maybe what the Ori promise ain't so bad then from the sounds of things? Although the Encyclopedia Brown salesman metaphor was indeed a bit over the goddam top...

And I suppose the Cigar Smoking Prior was as well, to be honest... though in the end, he really was the best damn salesman I've ever endured...

Everybody knows that Cigar Smoking Man from the X-Files, and it was fucking funny as hell watching Cameron Mitchell try to "test" out his new anti-Prior emitter by getting his ass kicked and name taken by you know who. And was it just me, or was it just ironic as hell that Daniel was trying to turn the Prior to the light side of the force, by teaching him that the 'truth is out there' about the Ori?... This was Orlin's only other decent scene, as even his slow-ass, dumbshit speech patterns couldn't ruin the mood of the poor Prior who looked like he was going to piss in his pants and cry...

I mean seriously, I felt just as bad for the Prior as I ever did for fucking useless Orlin on the side. Not only did Landry have a decent moment of a revelation, talking about the Prior's prior life (no pun intended) of a wife and children. But I also just felt bad for the way that the Prior got offed, you know?... Every other follower of the Ori at least has gotten a huge ass send-off, of burning themselves at the stake or getting nuked by the biggest fucking bomb our galaxy has ever fucking built. Yet for the Cigar Smoking Prior, after a tear almost started shedding down his pale cheek at all the hurtful things Daniel and Orlin were speaking about the Ori? He just seemed to lose all hope in life, and got himself wiped out by just one fucking lousy bullet in the back at the end... His body never ascended. He just sort of rolled over and died from a single, fucking Ronon, wussy flesh wound. How sad is that?...

The Fourth Horseman (Part 2) was indeed an episode for self-sacrifice. The Prior gave his life for his beliefs, Orlin gave his very existence and identity for Carter... But what I was most pleasantly surprised at? Was just how powerful Garak's plotline turned out to be in the end... I mean, all season long, I've been inundated with boring Jaffa council episodes and shit like that, hoping that it would get over and done with as soon as goddam possible. But really, The Fourth Horseman really redeemed the whole civil war aspect of the season, as Teal'c, Bra'tac, and Garak really stole the whole fucking show...

I've always hated Garak as a character, as he's always been more annoying of a half-villain than he ever was a guy you loved to hate. But he really did redeem himself in The Fourth Horseman, both in terms of his character and as an actor... I'll admit it when I say that I didn't see the solution to the episode happening. I was happy when Orlin's miracle cure didn't turn out to actually be miraculous, I was relieved when the Cigar Smoking Prior didn't just have a change of heart after untold years of Ori servitude, but I was especially surprised at the fact that Garak truly died with honour and freedom...

His final farewell, of curing Landry and co in the base while fully knowing the Ori would burn him up for his treachery, really somehow felt natural for his character. Some have said that his change of heart from Prior to loving Jaffa was far too quick in The Fourth Horseman, but I personally just felt it went perfectly with his reactions when he saw his father's grave. He really did seem to remember long past painful memories, a complete contrast to what was happening with Orlin on the other side... After hating fucking Garak as an annoyance for the entire ninth season, I can safely and soundly now admit that I will miss his character. Unless he fucking returns and becomes a bore again, that is...

But make no mistake. This was an episode for Teal'c. And Christopher Judge fucking acted his socks off, providing his best damn performance of the past several years... He really does see Bra'tac as a father figure, doesn't he? He certainly acted that way, as he asked his mentor to become the leader of the new Jaffa nation. Even if the script in that scene was simplistic in a Jaffa-grammatical way, the heart and soul of Stargate was definitely there, as Teal'c looked like he had so much respect for his comrade in arms... Christopher Judge just made that scene work and work goddam well, by willing his way with his sheer loyalty and support...

But absolutely his best scene in God knows how many years came with Garak by the father's grave. I can't really explain how, but somehow Christopher Judge made me completely forget I was watching a SciFi show then and there. And I couldn't help but feel sympathy for his plight as he begged Garak to remember just who he is and what it means to be free...

All season long, the writers have tried to make allusions as to just how the Ori are really no different or better than the Goa'uld. But they never really stuck home with a home-run until Teal'c absolutely nailed the speech about his former gods being able to raise the dead or kill enemies with a wave of their hand... Christopher Judge was just amazing there. He somehow looked vulnerable in a leadership-role sort of way, reaching out to Garak the same way he respected Bra'tac and his elders just a few scenes prior. Not only that, but Teal'c showed true unwavering belief in what it means to be free, of what it means to be Jaffa, as if Christopher Judge had been saving the very nature and soul of that speech in his heart for years and goddam years long past...

Now, unfortunately almost every other character on the SG-1 cast just wasn't acting up to their full potential. Either that, or Teal'c just made everyone else look goddam bad in comparison... The Sodan were utterly useless, uttering and muttering absolutely no lines whatsoever as they just stood around the stone circle with the captured Prior... And hell, I almost screamed at my screen at how fucking bitchy Dr. Lam was being with her father in the medical ward. The man is dying, yet she still puts more emphasis on the bitchy parts of her emotional speech, rather than on the admittance and understanding of her father's situation? WTF?...

The temporary return of General Hammond (no longer a General) was decent, though it was far too much of a cock-tease, considering he gave me false hope that Landry would just roll over and die from his two minutes of pointless sickness... Unfortunately, all that Hammond really did contribute in the end were literally a hello, a handshake, and a long goodbye. He said nothing of value, but it was still great to see the actor back in some fashion or another...

Likewise, Carter was sort of just there. I guess Orlin sort of dragged her down, as all Samantha really did was glare her fucking pedophillac, soap opera stares as the Ancient guy complained about losing his fucking mind. She was completely reactive in The Fourth Horseman, and was never really active in doing anything but watching the sappy kid flex his muscles... Yet I was still touched by her slight little reaction in the mental institute, when Orlin couldn't remember just who she was. The puzzle scene was definitely one of the highlights of the episode, even if it obviously has no replay value in the future (I always did suck at puzzles, afterall... fucking goddam puzzles were too fucking hard...)...

The self-sacrifice and speeches in The Fourth Horseman definitely made the episode into quite the experience the first time around, though I know I will definitely roll my eyes at just how pretentious all that shit may be by the third or fourth times I watch this episode... It's the comedy and banter that reproduces rewatch value in a Stargate hour. And while Mitchell's and Michael Shanks' exchanges about exchanging pie crust recipes with the Prior definitely did feel out of place and forced, I still chuckled a bit... And I did appreciate the fact that some of the old Daniel and O'Neill chemistry was returning in form. Even if RDA still seems to have a restraining order from the goddam show...

Because like almost every single episode in the ninth season of the show so far? The Fourth Horseman was not only an overall great experience, but the IvanFian episode of the goddam week as well...

"Like I said before, sometimes there simply ain't no skool like the old skool...

This was definitely the week of classic Stargate standalone episodes reborn, even if Atlantis' Coup D'Etat did sort of fit into more of an arc than just a single goddam show...

But Stargate SG-1's Collateral Damage was truly the definition of a standalone filler episode, in the same vein as The Gatekeeper and Revisions and Lifeboat were in past seasons before...

... well, as in almost exactly the same exact vein as seasons past, actually... even down to the very core plotline of the episode, really...

Collateral Damage had predictable pacing and a completely predictable outcome, I'll give you that. As soon as we knew that Dr. Mor'el had been married to Reya before, we knew the old Usual Suspects law would come into effect... The villain of a murder story is always either the most obvious or least obvious candidate. And sadly enough, Dr. Mor'el was kinda both at the same damn time in Collateral Damage...

But I will tip my writers hat off in respect to one aspect of the episode in retrospect. Even if it was blindingly obvious to anyone who's seen Minority Report or any other shitty ass sci-fi movie with a goddam memory chair (Total Recall, anyone?), it was still solid writing how the murderer of a doctor had actually wiped his own memory clean of the incident... as he ironically enough, was also the man who solved the murder case in the end as well...

Collateral Damage was a character episode all the way through. The problem was, most characters were goddam ignored throughout the whole of the Stargate hour on hand...

What the fuck did Daniel Jackson and Teal'c do? I recall Daniel getting his ass handed to him by Landry in the briefing room, for blaming the Galerans for artificially accelerating their technological advancement. And Teal'c sort of just stood there as a Wallflower, both at the party and whenever he was backing Daniel Jackson up with muscle and sheer brute force in his stares...

Colonel Carter was the sidekick to Cameron Mitchell or Cameron Diaz or whoever she was honeymooning over in this episode. She didn't contribute a single damn thing, except for looking all concerned and horny and fucking flirty whenever she asked Cam whether he was alright or needed a sweaty towel... I mean, she did bring up a few decent points about the benefits of having memory implant technology, since she's obviously become a big fucking fan of instantly learning Kung-Fu (ala the Matrix). But besides that, she was like a fucking housewife to Cam this episode, and that just didn't jive well with me...

And oh, Landry sucked ass by the way again. Hell, he even tried to save face with his god-awful speech at the end, about Cam's friendly fire incident or whatever sort of crap... But that was a pep-talk that General Hammond would've been able to pull off with ease. But not fucking Landry, the sick pedophillic, frakkin' freak of an uncle that he is...

But let's face facts here. Collateral Damage may not have been the most flattering episode of the ninth season, but this was faithfully still a classic Stargate scenario full and through... right down to the fact that for the umpteenth time, a main character on the team gets his mind fucked over by an alien device, and the hour becomes devoted to just that one character alone...

I'll give it to you straight up, that Cameron Mitchell was actually pretty damn decent in Collateral Damage. Sure, I got sick as shit of all that shaky-Cam-Cameron footage when it came to the constant replays of Reya's murder. But that's pretty much the only negative I could think of to bring up about him... He was determined and driven as ever, and his sarcastic Jackisms actually worked well in the situations he found himself in. He had a lot of good banter near the start, and a lot of decent "oh shit" looks by the end. I never really cared about his stump of a father, but the flashbacks of the Enterprise Shuttle launch and the fucking kickass F-16 dogfight (or whatever it was) definitely gave far more depth to his character than was ever established before...

Some have definitely complained about his John Sheppard "Kirkisms" with Reya, how he shouldn't have jeopardized the whole mission by just trying to get his fucking foot through her door and his dick in her pants... but seriously, how the fuck can I blame the guy?...

I'll give it to you straight up, that I'd fucking give it to Reya straight up for ten fucking nights in a row...

I don't think Stargate SG-1 has ever had a guest bitch that turned me on as much as her face did at the goddam party. She had god-perfect hair, the most enchanting of smiles, and God was her face ever fucking Jennifer-Connelly fuckable as goddam hell... Suddenly I have an urge for her face to be the one on all fucking Sentinels in fucking X-men movies. Because if only every fucking planet in the galaxy had scientists as fucking irresistible as her? Then can I really blame the Stargate series for the new age Kirking across the stars?...

The only real problem with this episode, is that they fucking killed Reya off so damn early in the fucking show. Couldn't they have just kept her around at the SGC base at least, sort of just like an extra doctor for Lexa Doig to make fucking house calls with?... please?...

And the only other real problem with the episode, was the fact that all the other Galerans were pretty goddam, glaringly awful in the end...

Mor'el was just the obvious murderer right from the start. Now sure, I liked his "punishment" in the end, of simply having the whole ordeal wiped from memory yet again. And yes, the doctor and his actions did bring up a whole host of potental moral ramifications for the Matrix memory chair... but it just all felt so goddam redundant with all the shit we've seen before in not just Stargate, but in Star Trek series over and over and over again as well...

Fuck, he was anything but Die Hard with a fucking vengeance with his fucking, pussy-whipped performance...

He wasn't Total fucking Recall either in badassness... and considering how badly that movie sucked, that's pretty damn sad...

Hell, he wasn't even worth a Collateral Damage. Where the fuck were my killer firefighters with Colombian axes and shit like that?...

You'd think an episode with a title of fucking "Collateral Damage", would've given us at least more action than just Cameron Mitchell getting it on with absolutely the hottest SG-1 bitch I've seen in years...

Still, we got solid (though limited) acting performances out of the SG-1 cast, some excellent backstory when it came to Cameron Mitchell, and pretty much the oldest of skools of Lazy Sunday episodic formulae that Stargate SG-1 will see all year...

... and I still wish I could've at least seen Lexa and Sora with Reya get the job done...

I really do get why this episode was done and finished and even polished... and I do appreciate it...

"I guess I can't really say that I enjoyed this week's offering of Stargate SG-1 as much as I would've liked to the first time around...

But you know what? After multiple viewings?... this episode has sort of grown on me...

Because let's face facts here. Ripple Effect was designed solely for the long term SG-1 viewer at heart...

And considering I am the no-name nostalgic? I guess it was no wonder that it ended up as my own personal episode of the week...

The basic premise deals with our Stargate Command turning into the bloody hell, Union Station of the multiverse when it came to SG-1 teams arriving through the gate. Carters and Daniels and Mitchells and Teal'cs were showing up from all sorts of alternate universes... Now, the usual suspect of a problem here lies in the fact that I've always hated alternate universe, shit-ass stories in any science fiction series out there. I didn't care about it SG-1's Moebius or any alternate universe story they did beforehand, so why care about it now?...

It's not that I don't see the science behind the whole quantum universe theory. It's just that, it makes no fucking logical sense from any actual point of real life view (sort of like Shit Theory... or String Theory, I meant...)... Let's say that in our universe, the SG-1 team does stop the Ori plague. But really, what's the point of doing so, when simultaneously they just created an infinite number of worlds where the Ori destroyed our entire population? Or if in our universe, the Ori do take over, why really fucking cry and care about it when we know that in an infinite number of alternate universes, the Ori instead got their asses kicked and names taken?...

I've always hated how this stupid quantum theory shit ruins every single belief we as a people have about good and evil, right and wrong, and the fucking consequences of our actions. And normally when it comes to SciFi series, my beliefs here don't change worth a damn...

But there has been the odd Star Trek Enterprise episode or so, where they used the fucking quantum leap effect to my decent liking. Hell, I even dug the whole Mirror Universe reference that Mitchell had about his bizarro twin... And thankfully for this week's episode of Stargate SG-1? Ripple Effect had the same kind of wacky entertainment factor here too...

Because with all the presented possibilities of Carter's fucking love life? Fuck, it was like a bloody hell, fanfic convention...

I'm sure the writers are still kicking themselves for killing off Dr. Janet Frasier, just like I'm sure the vast majority of fans are still doing as well. It's not that Lexa Doig was a bad replacement or anything, but Ripple Effect did sort of have the effect of showing just how much more touching and warming and vibrant Janet Frasier was and still is compared to her counterpart... Teryl didn't have a lot of scenes to herself, and one was even wasted on giving a speech about ethics to bloody hell useless Landry. But damn, even I was feeling all choked up and nostalgic at seeing her face and hearing her voice yet again, just like Daniel and Teal'c did when they were explaining to her about her own hero's funeral...

Absolutely the best scene of Ripple Effect came at the end, without a single shot fire, all thanks to the return of an old friend... Now, I'll never understand how a bitch as hot as Amanda Tapping could ever willingly take maternity leave (...), so the thought of her doing so during an Ori plague didn't sound right at all. But still, Amanda and Teryl Rothery were pretty much best friends on the set for seven years of the show, and it definitely showed as they gave each other their proper lesbian goodbyes. It was touching really, how Daniel and Teal'c stepped up the plate as well and really gave the Janet Frasier actress a true salute and a true hero's departure...

Now, I didn't give two shits about the return of Martouf, considering all he did in the past was provide a goddam useless love interest to Amanda Tapping as the show was becoming more and more like a bloody hell soap opera (in the fourth season, that is). And I will never understand why Carter seemed so damn desperate to kiss the motherfucker here and now, when she's had Jack and Cam and, well, hopefully even Lam, to keep her company in the ovaries and ovaltime meantime...

Still, I know there's still a ton a female viewers out there that have been begging for Martouf's return for some reason or another. And that's exactly how a good quantum multiverse episode should be created - as a gateway (or a Stargate, really) to new worlds and new possibilities, and especially to both new and old characters... to give us old skool, fanboy viewers the kind of shit that we normally would never be able to get in our own universe of the series...

She was the one good thing about Moebius... and you've just got to believe that in this geeky Carter's universe? That she's married to everyone's favourite Mr. Fantastico of McKay... just like I'm sure our Carter will be too, don't you know...

Seriously, why the fuck couldn't that geeky Carter at least have been able to stay in our fucking universe? WTF is wrong with the writers?...

But still, Amanda Tapping did a solid role in her job as Samantha Carter... and as Samantha Carter... and as Samantha Carter too, I guess...

If Battlestar Galactica can have a room full of naked, horny Boomer chicks, then why the fuck couldn't we have had the same with fucking Sora, Lt. Cadman, and I guess Samantha Carter on the side as a dish?...

Now, I never bought into her whole evil counterpart (although 'misguided' rather than evil would've been a better description), but I did love the banter whenever the two Carters bumped heads. I mean, who else here didn't chirp in delight at not just Sam's sheer happiness when she had finally found someone who could "keep up with her" in intelligence, but also at the thought of what else those two could have be keeping themselves busy with outside of work?... ahem...

Cameron Mitchell really only had one great scene, and it wasn't with the Asgard Kvasir (he stole Sheppard's line, afterall). But hot damn, I'd be lying if I said I didn't laugh out loud, at whatever he and himself were laughing at loud with each other about on the Prometheus...

The whole evil Cameron Mitchell schtick was kind of amusing though, despite being contrived and predictable. I mean, who here didn't suspect something was wrong, when that one team alone stayed in ever conspicuous black the whole damn time on the base?... Still, that didn't change the fact that Cam had another good speech with himself about stealing the ZPM from Atlantis. I mean, I guess Ben Browder really had good chemistry with, umm, himself, when they were debating over the age old adage of whether the ends do justify the means...

I just don't get it though. Why the fuck does the alternate SG-1 really need the ZPM, when our own Mark II naquada generators can power the Antarctic chair for short intervals at a time? Just have a fucking steady supply of those motherfuckers ready at hand... And can't the fucking Asgard rig something up for that earth if their planet really was in that much jeopardy? Or double McKay jeopardy, really... WTF?...

I did like the whole play on words when it came to Mitchell explaining the plan on the Prometheus in the end. I guess I should've seen it coming, that one team would predict what the other team would do, and then make a prediction based on that shit. I guess I should've seen it coming, but I was still surprised somehow when our Carter and Daniel snuck up from behind with zats... But still, there's one damn thing that I still don't get. Why the fuck did the black SG-1 team need to let our crew escape, to find out just exactly how they would escape (in their own words)?...

I mean, seriously. WTF?... It's called walking out the front door, you stupid fucks...

But at least, there was quite a few nice jokes in-between, to lighten up the mood of the episode quite a bit...

And oh, just to get it off my chest? I know I may sound like a broken record here, by pulling a Walter and an SG-1 iris code over and over and fucking over again...

But still, I just have to say it. Landry fucking sucked balls yet again... and, well?...

Teal'c was mostly useless as well, except for when it came to Janet Frasier. It was touching just how much he seemed to miss her, even though it was awkward as hell at just how much Christopher Judge really seems to tower over the dear doc... I guess I also snickered at just how much the alternate Teal'c enjoyed sucker punching our Cameron Mitchell into a wall. I mean, it's not like that Teal'c was exactly evil or anything... I guess he just had a bone to pick with his own Mitchell or some shit like that, that's all...

Daniel Jackson wasn't really given any great moments or lines, but Michael Shanks did his absolute best to form the heart of the show yet again. And he definitely proved that he is still arguably the star of the series, by just how much of a soft, subtle connection he seemed to bond with the alternate Janet Frasier so quickly... I don't really remember what else he did this episode, except for looking all confused at points about the whole quantum universe thing (which made no sense, considering he was the first human on earth to experience this shit back in season one). But the actor still certainly did his thing with whatever script lines he was given, and made the whole episode somehow fun in the end to watch...

As I've said before, I've always traditionally fucking hated quantum multiverse storylines, as the technobabble that comes out of Carter's mouth in episodes like this is just plain Star Trek: Voyager unbearable at times. I mean, it's not like it's complicated or anything for any true SciFi fan to interpret, but it just doesn't make any damn logical sense in the end anyhew...

Take Dr. Lee's comments about the lack of entropic cascade failure. I guess Carter also surmised that the other SG teams coming from "near" or close universes to our own, allows our verses to share entropy or some shit like that. You know, simple shit like that... But back in season three, entropic cascade failure made no fucking sense in the first place (why the fuck would added entropy in the universe make a person suddenly spontaneously combust and dissolve?), so why the fuck bother to even bring it up again?...

And oh God, while it wasn't a problem to understand for me or anything, all the talk about quantum subspace rifts from the fucking Beachhead black hole was still giving me a fucking Lana Lang migraine in the end... I mean, it's not like it was all complicated, as it's understandable from Stargate season 2 that a large amount of energy directed at the Stargate wormhole (as its traveling through a black hole) would fuck things up. They did do it with time travel before as they mentioned in the episode, so why not alternate universes as well?...

It's just that, whoever built the fucking Stargates in the first place really has to take a goddam damn look at their fucking security precautions, and wonder just how the fuck they've let so many goddam programming bugs through... Were the Ancients fucking high at the time when they built this shit? WTF?...

And how the fuck did the alternate universe SG-1 even know that we had a working ZPM, and how we used it at Atlantis? Did the writers even begin to try to explain these kinds of inconsistencies?...

But bah, while I will forever detest all the unnecessary technobabble and the very underlying theory of fucking quantum multiverse shit in the first place, that doesn't automatically mean that I'd hate every episode based on that very same quantum shit...

While newcomers to the Stargate SG-1 universe may not quite understand why I've declared Ripple Effect as my own personal episode of the week, despite all its shortcomings?... I mean, I admit that even I didn't think I'd ever like Ripple Effect, simply because of the fact that it deals with this kind of screwed up, SciFi bullshit...

But the fact of the matter is, just the return of Janet fucking Frasier?... that alone was enough to put this episode over the top for me...

I guess it figures then, that after a multitude of viewings of the goddam multiverse?...

... that a wondrous roomful of horny, Moebius, geeky Carters would eventually grow on me as well...

"Stronghold was not the strongest of episodes... hell, it wasn't even the strongest of titles...

What the fuck is "Stronghold" supposed to mean anyhew? The Goa'uld Ha'tak vessel that Ba'al was using? The stronghold that he had over the Jaffa's minds? WTF?... I know that after nine seasons of the show, the writers are running out of original titles to use, but really? Couldn't they have just called the episode, "Ba'al Brainwashes Teal'c in his Ha'tak and Calls it a Night" or some shit like that?...

And what the fuck was with the name of "Kal-el"? Was it just some fucking no-name reference to the 100th episode of Smallville?... Or did the writers simply have a braincramp of a brain-fart when they were trying to think of names of hot fucking women, and somehow came up with Tom Welling in their fucking, brainfucked minds instead? WTF?...

And let me just set the record straight, that I am tempted to actually give the episode of the week award to Smallville for once... No, I have not been brainwashed. But Reckoning did give me pretty much everything I ever wanted out of a half hour of entertainment (except for a fucking hot Replicarter, that is)... But then of course, Smallville took it all away like the motherfucking shit writers that they are in the second half of the show...

Stronghold and SG-1 therefore once again gets my nod as episode of the week, simply because the series pulled off the exact opposite that Smallville's 100th Episode did. While obviously the first half of Stronghold was slow as hell with really no interesting dialogue exchanges whatsoever, the second half simply kicked ass in so many more ways than I can count on one fucking hand...

Now, I don't really get what Ferguson's impending death has to do with the whole brainwashing A-plotline. But hell's bells, I was a sucker for The Tok'ra (Part 2) when Jacob learned of the Stargate program, I was one of the few who actually liked Chimera for Pete discovering the truth as well... And apparently? I'm still a sucker for this "truth is out there" kind of shit, even when it came at the cost of someone as boring as Mrs. Ferguson being the whiny bitch behind the wheel...

... although he gets points from me, for fucking being disappointed as hell in a goddam, shit-ass PS2 game at least...

I don't know whether any technology at the SGC would've been able to save the guy, although a combination of an Asgard transporter and the Goa'uld healing device probably would've gotten that shrapnel out of his cranium. But I must admit at least, that I did like the reuse and return of the memory PVR device from a couple episodes back or whatever sort of crap...

I don't know why I'm such a sentimental fool for shit like this, but I really did enjoy the moment when Ferguson was going through all the shit that Mitchell had recorded from the past year. I loved Ferggie's instantaneous, newfound shared loyalty for Teal'c in the end just like any SG team member would have had, and I even got a bit choked up when he gave his whole pep-talk about how Mitchell is The Man for relying on his gut instincts in the heat of the moment...

Although running straight into gunfire, arms flailing in the air like a suicidal maniac, may not have exactly been what Mr. Ferg-boy there had quite prescribed?...

The first half of the episode was slow as hell, and there's absolutely no denying that. We got a bunch of wild conspiracy theories from Ferguson, a bunch of wild denials from Mitchell, and a whole lot of scenes of Teal'c just making constipated looks at everyone's favourite Goa'uld system lord...

But Ba'al has always been the brightest of the Goa'uld, and he still remains my favourite to this day. He is absolutely the only System Lord who has been able to adapt to new situations over the course of the SG-1 series, and it's no wonder then why he's at it again with his whole brainwashing of the Jaffa council technique...

If there was one truly memorable scene in the first half of the episode, it was when Ba'al was laying the smackdown of truth on Teal'c, even going so far as to mock the Goa'uld's overzealous pursuit of wanting to be perceived as gods. There were a ton of classic quotes there from the guy... To be honest, I actually found his speech to be perfectly written and performed, as Ba'al without his Goa'uld voice actually seemed to be every bit as devious with the truth as a true businessman would be here on earth...

And I see the guy has fallen in love with big bad business suits from our own fair planet here as well. But up in space, where no-one can hear you scream, where the fuck does he get his cheap, ugly-ass clothing?...

It was interesting to say the least, to hear the fear in Ba'al's voice about the Ori. He mentioned later that he tried to use reason and logic with Teal'c, and sadly enough? I saw the logic in his speech as well...

The Jaffa are a splintered nation right now, with no real experience or unity to even begin a true tactical war against a foe like the Ori. Ba'al has always been the smartest of the Goa'uld (his only disadvantage was always being second in technology to Apophis, Sokar, and then Anubis later on), and he would probably be able to lead the remaining Jaffa forces in victory against the superior might of the Ori... Afterall, if Hitler could be voted into power after WW2, and Hamas of all groups could just recently win a majority in Palestine? Then why the fuck couldn't Ba'al actually get the support of the free Jaffa nation at such a time of need?...

... or at least, I'd prefer a snakehead like him to the snakes we actually do get up here in Canada in parliament...

Teal'c did his usual thing of claiming he'd never give in to brainwashing, and that he'd never submit to a Goa'uld again. It was predictable in the end how he'd defeat the clone of Ba'al, feigning allegiance (and hell, even Ba'al knew it before getting staff blasted thrice)... Still, while this was no Fourth Horseman performance, Christopher Judge still always does an amazing job whenever he has to display and prove his love and loyalty for the freedom of his people. I even laughed at a few of his quips, like how apparently kidnapping him against his will counts as "working together" when it comes to Ba'al's reasoning...

Sam was shit. She mentioned Pete when we had all but blocked him from memory, and therefore she deserves to die... On the other hand, she did exceptionally well as the Lt. Col. somehow in charge of Col. Reynolds as she was briefing the squads in front of the gate. And she did look decently cute in that casual jacket she was wearing outside... Besides that? I don't really remember what she did, except apparently take her damn sweet time in ringing Cameron Mitchell up to the Ha'tak platform...

And WTF were with the Jaffa in that scene? Sam, Cam, and Daniel were literally standing around aimlessly, chatting over a cup of tea, and yet still the blooody hell staff blasts hit a mile away? Does being evil again automatically make every Jaffa have goddam worse aim than even a fucking five year old sold on the Black Market? WTF?...

Daniel got to do his sidekick thing with Bra'tac, and most of that was just doing his usual stares of carebears as poor Bra'tac was apparently convincing all his best friends to suicide themselves... I forget if Daniel really did anything else, except give his patented "oh shit" looks when it came to the ominous music that accompanies the brainwash effect. I do remember that Bra'tac at least kicked some asses and took some names in an Alkesh... But why the fuck was he too lazy to actually take out the Jaffa high up with the turrets, the kind of shit which ground units actually have trouble against and need fucking help with? WTF?...

There's really one reason and one reason alone why I put Stronghold as the top of the mountain for episodes of the week, and that really is all due to the brainless action as the SG teams rushed the Ha'tak stronghold... I guess that after the Ori story arcs had taken over, I have really missed the good old fashioned, Jaffa-slaughtering moments that I always used to take for granted on the show. I think I really have missed all the suppressive fire and all the big ass explosions that Stargate SG-1 was always known for before the Goa'uld get swept out of electoral power... And it was just nice to see it back once more, even if it was all amidst Jaffa politics and goddam elections that felt and screamed just about as convincing and interesting as our own up here in Canada...

Cameron Mitchell was certainly in a bad mood in Stronghold. And I don't really know why, but I just happened to actually enjoy his supreme badassness when he went around zatting every man and woman like crazy, proving to the Atlantis team that they're insane for sticking with tasers and pathetic Wraith stunners instead...

It's not just that though, but the whole Ferguson thing weighed heavily on his shoulders the whole time... I don't think we'll ever really find out why the writers decided to work the A-plotline with the B-Ferggie storyline in Stronghold. But Ben Browder as an actor managed to make it all work together as one anyhew... like an ol' chip off the block or an ol' chip in the brain, really...

Now, I don't think we'll ever truly understand why the writers named this episode "Stronghold", or why the fuck they named the fucking whiny, griping bitch in the episode as "Kal-el" (oh wait... maybe that's why they named her so...)...

I mean, the last half hour of an episode is always so much more important than the first...

And even if I had been brainwashed by all the fucking brainless action in Stronghold, with a piece of shrapnel to the fucking brain?...

Well, at least I got to walk away from the whole show with a head-full of new memories...

God, I'll be scarred for life from Ethon. But I've got to hand it to the writers, for not just producing one of the best episodes of the season? But for also giving it one of the coolest titles ever...

For those who don't know, Ethon was the hawk in Ancient Greek mythology that tore at Prometheus' shitty ass liver every single day, as Prommie's punishment for giving the gift of fire to humanity. We all know the significance that was behind the name of the "Prometheus" in the first place, so it was a brilliant touch by the writers in dedicating the title of this episode to the very earth battlecruiser that started it all...

O'Neill was right though. They should've named the ship the goddam Enterprise...

Hell, did the ship ever even win a battle by itself? How many times has its crew been dumbass enough to let it be taken over again?...

Still, I'll admit that my stomach churned at seeing all those Air Force officers sucked into the depths of space. Ethon reminded me a lot of the second season finale for Deep Space 9 in that sense, one of the finest moments that that Star Trek series had... Back then, the Dominion were an actual threat in terms of technology, not just numbers. Their Polaron beams cut through the Odyssey's shields (ironic name, two weeks from now considering....) like a hot knife through butter, as one of my favourite Galaxy-class Starships was cut to shreds...

The Prometheus may have been a shit ship, with a crew apparently too damn dumbass to run back into hyperspace at the first sign of trouble. But I'll be damned if its loss doesn't automatically guarantee Stargate SG-1 the best damn episode of the week award...

If the Ori were never considered a threat to humanity before, they sure as hell are now. Unlike with the Wraith, we have absolutely no defenses against even their dumbed-down technology for the masses, let alone their real shit coming along... The Priors proved something in Ethon, that they can teach pretty much any industrialized planet in the Milky Way to build the technology needed to do their bidding. Within just five months, a race with barely the technology we had back in World War 2 managed to build a satellite system that was more compact, more robust, and just as packed with as much of a punch as the Ancient satellite defence grid had in Atlantis...

The death of the Prometheus was warranted, as the ship had become a running joke from shit like Vala taking it over single-handily. But hot goddammit, the loss of the Prommie hurts just as much as the destruction of Deep Space 9's own Defiant... If the Asgard hadn't perked their tiny little ears to the Ori threat before, they might as well start taking notes now about what's going on in our galaxy...

I mean, Asgard shields are useless against Ori tech? What the fuck are we paying the Asgard for then?...

Where's our guarantee? Either give us better shields, or get our motherfucking money back...

Just like the Ancient drone weapons have been known to penetrate any known defences, it seems the Ori know a thing or two about cutting through energy shields as if they were paper. And yes, while I've seen and experienced it countless times in Star Trek before, seeing a scathing swath bore right through the thick of a starship we've all grown to love (the Prometheus in this case) not just once but thrice, was like a fucking knife stabbed through my own heart...

The destruction of the Prometheus wasn't in the heat of the battle or anything. The damn dumb fuck of a rock just stood there as it was torn apart and ripped asunder, piece by piece... ever so slowly, deliberately, and methodically... just like the fucking Ethon nipping at the fucking liver of the real tragic Prometheus...

Now, I didn't give a damn about Pendergast. The man was a moron who just sit in a chair, and was too damn dumb to beam himself out before the final shot from the weapon was fired... Still, unlike episodes like The Fourth Horseman where all the carnage happens off screen, you really did feel for the crew of the Prometheus as they were depressurized into space. While the Ori have always felt like a real threat from episodes such as Beachhead, earth never really had experienced a heartbreaking loss like we did here in Ethon...

And what's even more insulting, is that we lost our first fucking intergalactic battlecruiser to a bunch of religious zealots with fucking primitive technology. Fuck, this must have been how the Goa'uld felt day in and night out, losing to the goddam Tau'ri... Hell, it was fucking messed up really, in terms of sheer contrast and juxtaposition. SG-1 was at a complete loss in space against the Ori weapon, yet absolutely decimated the Rand on their own soil when it came to just a simple EMP weapon...

And to be honest? I kinda felt smug about taking out their whole bunker at the end with just one radar-invisible missile. I would've preferred if the Prometheus had just beamed a nuke into the Rand capital while they still had a chance, but I guess they were too 'hesitant' (or dumb) to do so out of fear of killing Daniel... again...

Poor Daniel Jackson must be feeling pretty guilty as this point, and he damn well should. Not only did his damn meddling cause a World War on the same damn planet last year in Icon, and not only did his stupid ass curiousity bring the Ori to our galaxy, but his damn bullshit politics (and thanks to being captured yet again) got the Prometheus' ass kicked and name taken in Ethon. Not to mention the fact that the entire planet nuked themselves to hell anyhew, no matter what kind of deals Daniel managed to broker...

Michael Shanks though, did an excellent job with his role. He really seems to be caring about the rest of his teams these days, as he was literally wincing in agony while contemplating the fate of Prometheus in his jail cell, and he seemed so damn relieved to here Sam's and Cam's voices over the radio. You also gotta love his little quip of never giving up, never surrendering, not even after death...

Now, I really do still think he was a moron for listening to a goddam Cylon, especially one who was ironically preaching against religious extremists (if Doral didn't give himself away right there, I don't know what will). But Daniel was just being himself in Ethon, always hoping that a peaceful solution can be found, even though the motherfuckers blew up our motherfucking ship and should've just been nuked as a result...

But, well?... With our ship now out of the equation, and an evil Ori satellite still in your neighbourhood? Who are you gonna call?...

Apparently, the last member of the Ghostbusters. But where the fuck is Bill Murray when you need him? Lost in Translation? WTF?...

Seeing the F-302 fighters against the Ori satellite was a pretty cool experience, especially since Ben Browder just seems to be a natural in the cockpit. His reactions to everything happening to the Prometheus were just superb, as he neither seemed callous nor did he oversell the destruction of our precious first battlecruiser... And was it just me, or was he really extra friendly with Sam the whole way through? Not only did they share one of the best moments of the episode over Landry's empty chair, but the embrace they gave each other after they beamed down to Caledonia safely was actually kind of touching (except to Jack and Sam 'shippers, I'm sure)...

Now, I would start calling the two of them together as "Sam Mitchell". But as a Toronto Raptors fan? Ah hell's bells, even I wouldn't sink that low...

Rough week for the fucking Raptors? Yeah, I'd think so... but that's a story for another day...

And Landry? God, not only did Landry suck absolute balls in this episode, but his apparent lack of any screentime doomed the Prometheus as well. If only the asshole general had been on base to had denied the mission to take out the satellite, then none of this would've happened...

As for Samantha Carter, she seemed to be her old self again in Ethon. I loved the way she used dumbed-down technobabble, as she always explained things easily for Cameron and the audience when it came to the blueprints of the Ori weapon. I love the fact that we learned that our own inertial dampeners can be used as EMP weapons, and I enjoyed the little reference to her time at Area 51 as well...

I thought she was as intelligent as her old self in Ethon, even if the whole crew were morons for just assuming that the Ori weapon couldn't put a dent in their shields. And for once, Sam didn't have a miracle solution to save the ship. She looked vulnerable for a while, yet came up with a (somewhat) plausible solution in the end given the McGyver tools that she had left on Caledonia. I kinda appreciated that...

I also appreciated Teal'c. Sure, he was just sort of there, floating in the backseat of Cam's F-302. But I did appreciate his effort in cheerleading in the background anyhew... very much, indeed...

The villains themselves in Ethon were actually both credible and threatening, especially in light of what's happening in the real world over a fucking measly, Denmark caricature of all things... The Rand president was an absolute religious extremist, and it made sense that a bunch of wackos like him could take over the planet that we knew from Icon. Under the circumstances of an Ori plague and a World War, I can almost sympathize...

The poor bastard got shot in the heart and didn't even get to ascend. I don't blame him for being a complete moron, but I do blame his minister counterpart over in Caledonia. I mean, she was fucking hot as hell, and yet she still was dumbass enough in the end to destroy both nations with a nuclear holocaust? Fuck, did she have a brain transplant with Lana Lang after SG-1 left the planet or some shit like that?...

Sure, some on the internet have considered it a cop-out of an ending, how the entire planet just wiped itself out (and hopefully left the satellite intact for SG-1 to play with, even though I wouldn't trust an Ori-built device when the Ori warships do come a'knockin'...). Poor Daniel must be kicking himself for that bad mess-hall food he ate that morning, for fucking up a planet so damn badly...

However, I actually loved the ramifications of this episode. On one end, it gave us some hope for defeating the Ori tech at one point, considering we did get the blueprints to their dumbed-down weapon. But on the other hand, the Prometheus got its ass kicked, we learned that Asgard tech is as useless against the Ori's as it was against the Replicaters (those little bugger machines must've gotten their tricks from somewhere...), and apparently the Ori can take over our galaxy without a single goddam one of their actual shots fired...

The Priors are master-manipulators. They convince you into selling your soul, for technology or power or pretty much anything you've ever wanted in the world... And whether they beguile a world into worshipping the Ori or just plain wiping themselves out, they win...

And apparently the audience does too, if the same quality of writing in Stargate SG-1 continues well into the tenth season of the show...

Sure, Ethon wasn't a perfect episode, as so many of the Daniel scenes with Doral or Aaron or Cain or whatever his name was, fell flat and boring on screen. I mean seriously, how the fuck could they even begin to listen to a fucking religious zealot of a Cylon?... But still, without a shadow of a doubt, Ethon was definitely one of the most memorable episodes of the stellar ninth season, as it opened up old wounds and old fucking livers...

Sure, I would've preferred it if O'Neill had gotten his way, and they had just named the goddam ship as "Enterprise"...

But still, the end result would've just been the same... with yet another captain going down with the ship, in the long list of Enterprises...

"Off the top of my head? Off the Grid was a fun standalone episode that I definitely did find myself enjoying...

But it's still always great to watch endless hordes of Jaffa cannon fodder get offed by, well, cannon fire on screen...

The final fifteen minutes of Off the Grid were a nice reminder of the good ol' fashion, mindless actions days of SG-1. I can never get enough of just hearing the team go in guns blazing, not even asking questions before kicking ass and taking names... The final fight scenes in the Ha'tak corridors were just pure brainless, bliss action. Sparks and bodies were both flying everywhere, though of course our heroes remained unscathed...

I also gotta mention here just how schizophrenically kickass SG-1's new weapons were... I mean, for the uninitiated (myself kinda included), they were using MP7 PDWs in Off the Grid, which is H&K's newest direct competitor to the P90's that SG-1 has been using since season four. While the P90 can store more ammo (fifty bullets versus forty for the MP7 in a clip), the MP7 is somehow much lighter, more robust, has better range, better armour piercing capability, and doesn't have any of the P90's jamming problems associated with reloading cartridges (not that SG-1 ever fucks up that way, mind you...)...

But fucking goddammit, despite all the facts? The MP7 looks and sounds like a fucking toy, with fucking light bulbs that blink...

Still... there's absolutely nothing more badass in the world, than Teal'c dual wielding MP7s...

... dual wielding MP7s to the sound of dual channel MP3s, that is... oh hell fucking yes...

Off the Grid was absolutely a Man's Man type of episode. It really reminded me of all the hardcore, classic action movies of the 80's...

And speaking of the 80's? How 'bout Colonel Emerson, commander of the Odyssey?... Guess the stock broker asshole guy finally grew up after cheating on Drew fucking Barrymore, and got the last laugh over The Wedding Singer afterall...

But alas, not everyone in the world shares my view of the classic 80's movies. Because apparently, quite a few fans out there simply refused to shut off their brains while watching Off the Grid, and the episode turned out to be quite the hated one on the net as a result...

I personally just think these fans are off their rockers... But then again, what do I know? I miss The Rockers from the WWE, afterall...

I agree that Cameron Mitchell was quite a goofy moron in Off the Grid. I mean, his whole "Shaft" routine was more than just lame, and he did get the whole team in trouble with his whole cowboy drug dealer bit... The writers did also provide a couple of shitty ass cop-outs, both in the "Eight Hours Earlier" intro stolen right from BSG (which was stolen from Alias, of course), and in the fact that the writers pulled a Ford in The Hive by not showing us just exactly how Cameron managed to escape his captors...

And it just felt kind of ridiculous, how he was calling it all a "good day" after he got SG-1 tortured by Mor'el for something like two fucking days in a row? WTF?...

Of course, as a guy? I forgave Cam Shaft for all his misgivings as soon as he started going all badass on the Jaffa at the end with his G36K (or whatever kind of assault rifle he was carrying)... That money shot of the whole team covering each other upon beaming onto Ba'al's ship? 'Twas simply priceless, and worth more than any price of admission...

The thing is though, a lot of female viewers definitely thought the writers "dropped the Ba'al" when it came to Colonel Carter...

... fucking stupidly enough, quite a few of them are crying sexism for Cameron's whole "Mary Poppins" rib...

Not to mention the fact that Carter was about to fall out of her fucking top throughout the whole damn exchange. And how could I possibly complain?...

Besides the fact that Amanda Tapping looked quite smoking hot (yet awkward and uncomfortable as hell) in that leather corset or whatever she was wearing? Well... She also pulled off a bit of miracle science, reprogramming a DHD on Ba'al's ship in like five seconds flat. And she was mostly passive for the rest of the episode, actually playing the innocent Mary Poppins by a) popping out of her top, and b) letting Cameron do all the talking and commanding for her... Sure, feminists can cry foul all they like. But why the fuck would I ever shed a tear, when this was all still so damn tame in comparison to such classics as the bitches in the original Terminator and fucking Conan the Barbarian?...

Daniel was mostly useless in the episode as well. Because seriously, when the glasses are off? All bets obviously go out the window as well, as Daniel simply becomes one badass killing machine... What happened to the mild mannered archaeologist who used to want to negotiate for peace? It was weird really, that Mitchell would call for Daniel as backup in the firefight instead of fucking Colonel Carter, but whatever...

Besides just getting punched a few weakass times by Mor'el, I don't think Daniel did a thing. Hell, he was even too damn dumb to think up a decent line to save SG-1's collective asses during the torture... But meh, we got lots of bright lights during the ending battle sequence. So regardless of what little content Micheael Shanks managed to achieve, I was still nevertheless appeased...

What did Teal'c do? Well, he went back to being absolutely clueless to earth cliches and terminology yet again. But why the hell would I mind this kind of shit, when the man can fucking dual wield MP7s?... I got a chuckle out of his little "below the radar" retort, and I loved how he played politics with the whole "equidistant" comment about drug dealing... But who fucking cares about drug dealing, when you've got fucking dual wielding? I don't care if the only line Christopher Judge ever gets to say is "indeed", as long as I still get my motherfucking Halo action in...

Now, there was one terrible aspect to the whole episode, and of course, the blame falls squarely on General fucking Landry. I mean, sure Beau Bridges does seem to do his best work with Nerus (one fat, old bastard to another apparently...). But that still doesn't change the fact that watching five scenes straight of Nerus hurling his food across his Area 51 cell, was not exactly my kind of brain training...

It certainly didn't help that all Landry did was stall for more time. God, is he ever annoying when he's trying to be clever... just food for thought, really...

I do admit though, that I did snicker at the General's plan to fucking pull a fucking Austin Powers Fat Bastard on Nerus, by feeding him a locator beacon in a fucking cupcake. But the only reason I found that amusing, was because a fucking moron like General Landry managed to still turn out smarter than the entire collective team over at fucking goddam Atlantis (who fucking fell for the exact same virus crap that Nerus did here)...

God, the Atlantis team were simply off the charts with their fucking goddam stupidity this season... unfortunately, their intelligence or lack thereof seems to be spreading...

Yes, it seems that Atlantis has invaded the SG-1 universe, as the fucking useless Daedalus was transposed back into the Milky Way galaxy and renamed The Odyssey (fucking bastards stole the name of my ship... if I ever get around to rewriting those fucking novels I failed miserably at as a kid, at least...)... And once again, we got a final battle scene where the ER doctor of a stock broker commander was too damn dumb to realize, that if only he had fired on Ba'al's ship rather than the Lucian Alliance ones? Then maybe the shields would've gone down quicker and he could've beamed out SG-1 sooner...

... though God, the weapons on the Daedalus-class ships are so fucking useless...

Yeah, obviously Off the Grid was a little bit off the page if you ask me, if you actually do care for a little bit of brain food from your television...

And strictly off the record? I suppose that Off the Grid wasn't quite what I expected either, as it ain't even my favourite episode of the week...

I mean, I did like the villains to some extent. The Lucian Alliance was pussified as hell (using projectile weapons? WTF?), but Ba'al did have a few decent scenes with Nerus. And I did think his plan was decent, of reprogramming the DHDs so that the Ori or anyone else couldn't access his own private network of Stargates anymore...

But I dunno... writing wise, Off the Grid was still just a tad bit?... I dunno?...

Hell, even Colonel Reynolds just felt off, as all the bastard really got to do was just sit around and munch on Ectasy corn, as he waited around to stage some terrorist assault over on Battlestar Galactica or some crap like that... not a very bright move on his behalf either...

But as long as I still get my fucking guns blazing, my fucking dual wielded MP7s, and my fucking Mary Poppins, pop-out cleavage shit?...

"Judging by the harsh comments out there, you'd think that The Scourge was the bane of internet critics everywhere...

And perhaps rightly so. Afterall, this was an episode that featured a bunch of flesh-eating bugs... Not only did The Scourge completely rip-off every bad SciFi movie cliche out there, but Stargate even copied itself by replacing the Replicaters with more organic versions of those little, nasty buggers...

The thing is though, if anyone out there hasn't quite noticed yet? Stargate SG-1 hasn't had a clip show yet this season. And neither has Stargate Atlantis for that matter, for God knows what reason... Now, I have no idea how the latter was able to afford its entire season without sacrificing a single episode (unless The Tower or the budget of Grace Under Pressure counts...). But I personally find it obvious that The Scourge was the equivalent of a cost-effective clip show for the ninth season of the show, exactly in the same vein as Disclosure was back in season six...

Well, almost identically just like what Disclosure was like back in season six. Considering both episodes dealt with the international politics of the Stargate program, that is...

Now, if anyone wants to know what the fuck the Chinese ambassador and Daniel were saying at the start? Allow me translate...

Now sure, I may not know Mandarin myself... I mean, I can understand Cantonese, but not fucking Mandarin...

But seriously? I can still understand with my fucking ears what exactly is real Mandarin...

We already know that Daniel sucks at Asian languages. I think Michael Shanks and the cast and crew proved all that already back in the seventh season, whenever Daniel did try to actually speak Cantonese shit... But seriously, why the fuck couldn't the writers get at least a real Chinese actress to play the part here, rather than a person who barely even looks Chinese to me? Why the fuck did they pick someone who couldn't even pull off two fucking syllables properly in the Mandarin language? WTF?...

Cost saving measure? Well, a really bad one, perhaps... the same kind as Cho-Ann was in the seventh season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer...

God, watching Daniel and the Chinese bitch here?... was like watching a bad Firefly episode all over again... What the gorram fuck?...

Still, absolutely the only truly interesting part of The Scourge was the threat by the Chinese government to somehow take control of the Stargate program. How exactly will they do it? Financially, illegally, alienly? WTF?... It's not like Daniel and the ambassador had any truly epic scenes between each other. It's just that, I do kind of miss the world politics that used to happen with Colonel Chekov and the Russians... And as a Chinese CBC myself? I wouldn't particularly mind if we got more hot Chinese bitches, evil or not, on the show or whatnot over time (though sadly, the ambassador here doth not count)...

Daniel was sort of just there, badly doing an impression of a linguist while spraying the ground of the planet with bullet fire. He didn't really do much else than that, but at least we were reminded of just why he's still on the team... Becoming a generic superhero is what got Michael Shanks bored of his role in the fifth season (though we all saw how far he got after leaving the show...). It's also what made the fifth season of the show into the mind-numbing, boring clusterfuck that it was...

Now, the first half of the ninth season was full of Daniel just being his archaeologist himself, especially when it came to the Ori. But here in The Scourge? Well... We didn't even get a mention of the pestilence of the biblical apocalypse or any crap like that, as Daniel simply was invisible except for the times when he was flirting with the Chinese ambassador...

Carter felt a bit off to me as well, considering she seemed so damn pessimistic when it came to their odds of survival. One moment in the episode, she refused to use the word, "impossible", and the next she's suddenly all doom and gloom about pesky little bugs? WTF?... She even seemed out of her element when she was trying to boost the power to the radio station at the research outpost. She just appeared so damn non-diplomatic the whole episode through, that not only did it make her seem like a hardcore military colonel rather than the soft-hearted scientist she often appears to be, but it also made her seem like a stone cold bitch as well... I mean seriously, when have little man-eating bugs ever really been considered a true threat to someone like her? WTF?...

At least we got some decent moments between Teal'c and Cameron, as the both of them got some good bonding time. Almost in the same vein as O'Neill would've with the ol' Jaffa, really... Now, I will never understand Teal'c's taste in movies (Star Wars before, and now Old School? Is he an LA Clippers fan too? WTF?...), but Christopher Judge always manages to shine whenever he's talking about freedom and the downfall of the Goa'uld. His speech about having a "just cause", how he knew the Goa'uld would one day fall (even if it ain't in his lifetime), was absolutely the most memorable aspect of the episode by far...

And Mitchell? Meh, besides sadly doing better at faking a Mandarin accent than Daniel or even the fucking Chinese diplomat herself, all he did was shoot a bunch of bullets at the ground to keep the bugs at bay. Guess maybe they should bring along a few zats and staffs once in a while, just in case for the unlimited ammo you know?... But I guess he had a few decent quips as well. Afterall, you gotta admit, Starship Troopers was unintentionally humourous as hell... and I sadly wouldn't mind watching the sequel right about now, for God knows what gorram reason...

Now, of course none of this changes the fact that despite the new Ori bug threat, The Scourge was simply a throw-away episode meant to save a shitload of money for the final three or four episodes of the season. I mean, when an episode starts making fun of itself by comparing itself to one of the worst SciFi movies ever made? And when sadly the plotline of the story is a rehashed mix of Tremors, Aliens, and The Mummy? Then obviously, you just somehow know that something just ain't right...

Hell, they even had the French ambassador take the spotlight now and again. And obviously, just from that shit alone? You knew the writers had openly surrendered the damn episode of the week award to goddam Battlestar Galactica fucking it up from behind...

But hey, what can I say? Knowing the premise, I never once took The Scourge seriously. And as a result, it was a fun little episode of pure stupidity... Sure, it made Stargate Atlantis season two look intelligent by design. But at least never once was I supposed to assume that this episode was the absolute best that the SG-1 series and writers had to offer (which is far more than I can say for the former)...

So I suppose besides being the bane of fans everywhere? The Scourge can perhaps be considered the plague or the pestilence of season nine as well...

But I'll reserve my own judgment for later, after seeing whether the final episodes of the ninth season truly kick Ori ass or not. Afterall, I am kind of fair and patient that way...

"It seems that Stargate SG-1 and Battlestar Galactica have both been trying to really outdo each other over the past few weeks...

The only problem is, the prize that they both seem to be gunning for?... is to somehow obtain the IvanFian episode of the week, with the worst possible episode that they can produce to still win the award...

I guess it's sort of just like me in university... How close can I possibly get to failing while still managing to pass the fucking course?...

... heh... I got 49.5% in a course once... booyah... but that's besides the point...

While Arthur's Mantle definitely won't be putting any real awards up on its mantle at the end of the season, I guess it should be duly noted that thanks to some Arthurian magic? It still managed to somehow whisk the episode of the week honours away, if only due to the efforts of one man... but I'll get to Mitchell and his stomach growling banter in a moment...

Arthur's Mantle was a predictable episode, with two separate plots obviously converging together in the end to solve the daily double of the day. Of course, I am a fan of tight and circular writing in that sense, even if it wasn't logical for Cameron Mitchell to be seen by just seemingly normal Ancient cloaking devices (I mean, if you can be seen so easily on our own plane of existence, how the heck could Merlin actually hide from the ascended Ancients then?)...

There's obviously no dimension where we can hide from his pure boring shittiness, but I digress...

Cameron Mitchell really didn't do much in this episode either, as all he could do was worry about taking a shit as he no longer could sit down on a fucking toilet. But I think while his actions couldn't speak for himself, his words definitely did (whatever the hell that means)... I never really did laugh out loud at any of the jokes he made, but I definitely did get a slight chuckle from a fair share of them...

I mean, who here didn't crack a smile when he high-fived Carter for just being able to tap the keyboard buttons on the Merlin device thingy? And c'mon, who here wouldn't have taken a swipe at Mitchell's annoying head, with no need to think twice, just like Teal'c did?... Now, I don't know whether the Lt. Col. really had any classic moments in Arthur's Mantle. But I'm sure it would've been hell to have filmed the episode with Ben Browder, considering how much ad-libbed shit he could've ran from his mouth as everyone around him was pretending as if he wasn't there...

Like I already mentioned, Teal'c seemed to have his best moments when he actually could see Mitchell standing right there. It wasn't just the cold faced swipe at his head with a P90 that got a laugh out of me, but also the fact that the cloaked Teal'c didn't give a shit when Mitchell just appeared before his eyes... Now, I couldn't care less about anything else that Christopher Judge did in the rest of the episode. Haikon was just there to talk about how evil Dahak of the Ori must've been to make zombie warriors, only to hear back that Teal'c was apparently too brain-dead to even consider shooting the living, vomiting dead in the fucking brain... Still, Teal'c was pretty badass yet again with dual P90's. And I can't help but forgive him for that...

Amanda Tapping seemed weirdly out of place, mainly because she was out of place (or out of phase, really). I found it definitely odd how she didn't seem concerned one bit about her current predicament, even if she at the time assumed that Daniel would be able to see her... But you know what was even more odd? It was how damn cute she acted this episode. I mean, whether she was smacking her lips at the sight of Dr. Lee bungling up the job yet again, or shrugging her little shoulders at Daniel in the most adorable, girlish fashion possible? There was just something about her that screamed 'romantic comedy'...

I normally don't care for her looks one bit. But is it just me, or does Amanda Tapping always seem to somehow get more Chloe-cute at the end of a season?... She did in season 7, though I attributed that more to the fact that the SciFi channel kept dressing her in either tight civies or tank tops. And then she was also fucking hot as hell in the final stretches of the eighth season, though I credited that more to her pregnancy glow and the fact that evil RepliCarter was fucking smoking hot...

But what about season nine? Why was she cute to me here?... Do I simply get desperate for a woman after Valentine's Day? Or does she really just get irresistibly adorable as soon as she realizes that it's almost fucking time for her vacation break?... Like I mentioned before, she somehow seemed instantly huggable as she was shrugging her shoulders at the sight of Daniel. And she just seemed to be enjoying herself so damn much with her beaming smile, when Daniel was essentially beamed into her phased out dimension...

But I'll give credit where credit is due, as Daniel once again made an episode dealing with the Ancients into something decently entertaining in the end... I mean, even if the writers were basically feeding off of my nostalgia? You know still that's a good thing, when as soon as I had finished watching Arthur's Mantle? I instantly had a craving to rewatch The Crystal Skull and get my own fair share of Lepton or Leprechaun or Lesbian or whatever radiation...

At least the SG-1 writers here were more correct and consistent with being out of phase this time around, which is more than I can say about The Crystal Skull. I mean, while in Arthur's Mantle, Carter and co basically just stood around and hoped to God that they didn't fall through the floor? Phased Daniel in The Crystal Skull was leaning on walls and sitting on desks, and for God's sakes, he even fucking moved a chair in that episode... But sigh, I'd still kill an entire army of darkness of undead Jaffa, just to get a real sequel to Daniel's grandfather and the events of the goddam Crystal Skull...

Still, Daniel here helped give credibility to an episode that was barely above Evolution on the, well, evolutionary scale of Stargate (which was the only other episode where The Crystal Skull was even mentioned, might I add). I mean, before we had no idea what Merlin's real purpose in the SG-1 universe was, but now we suddenly realize why he had the orgy of the Ori galaxy on his communication device's speed-dial... It still makes no sense to me why Merlin would need to descend to find a way to kill the ascended Ori. Wouldn't he have vastly more knowledge and power as an ascended being rather than a human? And even if he could hide somehow from his fellow Ancients using his phase cloaking device, wouldn't they just read his mind as soon as he returned to our reality?...

Either way, the new vision for Stargate SG-1 is really starting to take form again in my eyes. I'm starting to see exactly the kind of mythos that we've been lacking since Avalon, that the tales of King Arthur and the Knights Table were really somehow about battles against the magical Ori... If Merlin and his companions back then really did face off against the Ori and their minions and their death stars or whatever, I don't get why the Ori wouldn't know about earth now. But at least thanks to episodes like Arthur's Mantle, and also thanks to more mythological revelations from Daniel Jackson, I can really start looking forward to Crusade and Camelot...

... two episodes that may actually deserve the episode of the week award for once...

Now, obviously the SG-1 writers shouldn't be praised or put on a pedestal, or have their names engraved on a mantle for this episode or anything. I mean, first of all, what the fuck was up with that ten second ending?... And when one plotline of the story involves Dr. Lee being obsessed with 'Honey, I Shrunk the Kids', and the other half being some weird ass combination of Space Balls and Resident Evil SG-1?...

... and when, quite frankly?... they made a black actor both look and sound and snarl like an ape?...

... but at least, they wet my appetite for what will hopefully be two epic weeks to follow..."

"I have my own personal crusade brewing against the Stargate SG-1 writers right about now...

I mean, remember when I said that The Scourge was a cost saving venture for the ninth season? Well, I take it all back...

By comparison, Crusade made The Scourge look like the best damn action-FX laden show of effects since at least goddam Starship Troopers...

... which, in a fit of irony, was the very movie that Michael Ironside made his greatest impression on me, don't you know...

It's just that, I was hoping for so much more from Crusade, you know? Here we had the impending apocalypse day coming from every Prior and Crusader in the galaxy, and yet all we got in this one episode was a pregnant Vala, a flock of seagulls, and a set-up for the real season finale next week? Why the hell couldn't Camelot have started now, and actually brought some decent length to the Arthurian myth and seasonal arc (rather than just leaving it to one hour next week)?...

What we got here, was an episode that felt so much like a clip show, that I was having bad memories of Out of Mind (worse season finale ever) or even Politics (though I guess BSG reminded me more of that shit this week...)... Now, I've missed Vala since Beachhead. She was horrible in Prometheus Unbound, but had improved after The Ties that Bind. Problem was, she was far too emotional and far too pregnant here (and yes, I know about Claudia Black's real pregnancy), and far too chocolate pancakey for me to give a damn about...

Was it me, or did she seem absolutely idiotic for not mentioning the Ori Supergate at the start of the episode? It would've made more sense that way, with the rest of the SG base searching for it while she told the rest of her story, and she wouldn't have felt the fear of losing her communication connection with the SG team in that case either... I do admit that I enjoyed the little teaser opening to the episode though. The gay jokes about Daniel have been used time and time again, but there's just something about Michael Shanks when he's staring at Ben Browder's ass, that somehow feels natural in a weekend where Brokeback Mountain is about to win best picture at the Oscars...

As a technical sidenote, it's just kind of weird how advanced the SG team has become at subspace communications devices... especially after rewatching how damn cocky the Tollans were about their little light bulb that blinks back in the first season...

Sure, thanks to reverse engineering Tok'ra and Goa'uld technology, earth can now build from scratch (from my last count) inertial dampeners, anti-gravity generators, sublight engines, short-range hyperdrive engines, and maybe even Goa'uld ring transporters. However, all of our fair planet's own versions of the aforementioned technology, are still much more primitive than the original sources they got them from...

But is it me, or is earth now absolutely the most advanced race in the known universe next to the Ancients and Asgard, at actually communicating across galaxies?... I mean, we could already do so in Atlantis using the subspace communications aboard the Daedalus (which I assume we can build from scratch as well, considering we designed our own subspace beacons in Off the Grid). And now Carter can perfectly emulate the Ancient communications device with simply just a laptop?...

We're now capable of snatching up bodies on the complete opposite side of the known universe? WTF is this? The Stargate movie redux or some crap like that?...

Either way though, for a purely Vala storytelling episode, I suppose Crusade wasn't that damn bad. I got a laugh out of the familiar beat she used as she was busting a groove on that bread. And she also sold the effect of being starved and dehydrated for three days in a pretty convincing way as well... She also did a great job of handling her pregnancy, in the way that she was concerned over who the fuck the father was. It was obvious that she did care for Tomin, but it wasn't really love. It was more like she owed him one, and I suppose it wasn't that damn bad that she showed the sensitive side of the force of hers for once...

If there was any real saving grace to this episode though? It was at least the sight of the Ori "Starcraft" (God, I want a sequel to that game so damn badly though...). I mean, sure at first glance, neither the Ori ships nor soldiers looked threatening or menacing at all, as Tomin in his armour looked like a reject straight out of the Chronicles of Riddick pretty much... But then again, upon closer inspection? The Ori ships look pretty damn kickass (or at least, Ori-ginal...) as some sort of Trireme or Viking ship with a Stargate in the middle. And while obviously the staff weapons of the Ori seem like a boring retrend of the Goa'uld and Jaffa, I'm willing to give their little blue Jem'Hader phaser blasters the benefit of a doubt until Camelot...

But you know who I won't give the benefit of a doubt to? General Landry, but of course... He's the butt of all my jokes, and why? Isn't it obvious why? He wasted how much goddam time in Crusade in his speech to Colonel Chekov, about how brilliant he must be for having used the damn Stargate Fido rental package as leverage in their negotations? Was there really any need for Landry to lay out in a thousand word essay, exactly how Colonel Chekov just standing there with absolutely nothing to say, was somehow genius?...

Why does it really matter though, if the Russians take back their Stargate? I thought we blew up their DHD, preventing them from ever having leverage in this very manner ever again? Sure, conflict may break out if we took a new Stargate for ourselves from let's say Proculus, a planet too far gone to ever be of use anymore... But it just shows how pussy ass Landry must be, to not even suggest using one of the goddam Stargates we took from fucking Off the Grid. He just gave into Chekov's demands right off the bat, like a wuss curled up in the fucking fetus position...

But bah, who cares if the Russians get a Daedalus-class battlecruiser? We all know from seasons four and five and six, that anything with a Russian flag on it is an immediate red shirt on the series. And we all know that the Odyssey can't (or shouldn't) be destroyed by the Ori in the episodes to come, so?... well then...

At least there was one decent thing about those whole Landry negotiations scenes at least. Because thank God, the Chinese bitch didn't even get to open her fucking mouth... If I had to hear her and Daniel Jackson start spewing absolute gibberish again, butchering the language like fucking murder porn? Then Crusade really would make The Scourge look like The Best Episode Evar...

Meanwhile, Daniel Jackson himself was barely in Crusade at all. Sure, he showed up in Mulan reflections, he made a few gay poses as he screamed for the Academy Award win, and he looked confused as hell after he woke up with pancake shit on his nose. But that was about it... Besides that, he was completely invisible, as his role had been fucking taken over from another galaxy by Vala of all people. I mean, sad to say, he didn't even get a chance to defend himself against the "in her pants" sort of Vala comment thing... Michael Shanks might as well have been cloaked and out of phase from the camera in Crusade. Too bad he already used that trick in last week's episode, that is...

Carter was looking old. Maybe Claudia Black's whole pregnancy thing had weighed down on her make-up people?... Still, despite a few wrinkles here and there, Sam was decently cute as she always turns out to be at the end of a season. She was adorably giddy when she first learned her Ancient device emulator thing was working, and she had that lovely scrunch in her face when asking about who the father was of Vala's child... Besides that though, she took a backseat to Vala, just listening to her story as if Carter was too dumbass to figure out that the fucking Ori were coming herself. I expect more of the same from the writers, once Claudia Black returns next season of course...

Thumbs up goes to Ben Browder to some extent. Not only did he deal with the uber-gay Daniel Jackson in the locker room quite well, but he potentially even made a decent Fargate reference when it came to his reluctant asking of who the father of Vala's baby was... Besides that though, did he really do anything? Though I was surprised as anyone else (or surprised as Carter at least), that Mr. Christian-Grandmother Cameron Mitchell, was actually thinking about the conception of King Arthur instead of you know who...

If there was any one reason to give the episode of the week to Crusade? It was because of Teal'c's most classic line in the history of lines in his entire career...

But still... Teal'c's little obsession with Star Wars (even the God-awful prequel trilogy, apparently) was the only damn time I even remotely laughed while watching this episode... or, well, the only time I laughed from anything the writers meant for me to laugh at, at least...

Michael Ironside was just goddam awful, and so was his barmaid bitch. I was literally balling at just how fucking out of place the Starship Troopers asshole felt, by bringing a piece of Smallville teen angst to the fucking Ori village people (who were once actually badass in Avalon and Origin, alas...)... His voice just didn't match. I know technically he was lying through his teeth whenever he spewed, "Hallowed are the Ori", but he just didn't have the presence or deep Darth Vader voice to give the right kind of atmosphere to any of the goddam Ori or Oscar scenes...

Seevis was annoying, as I was seething at just how goddam predictable it was that he would turn out to be the leader of the resistance. I saw it coming from a mile away, blaming the writers for piss poor writing to the point where I was actually calling their characters, "Seevis and Butthead" in the end. Or Seevis and his ButtWhore, or whatever... I kind of at least liked the one-eyed Prior who had told Tomin about the truth about Vala's child. But besides that, and perhaps the one-eyed sight of all the Ori ships being made, was there any fucking reason to even watch Crusade again in my fucking entire life?...

I was looking so damn forward to this week's episode, expecting it to be the real first half of the Camelot two parter. Yet, besides perhaps a decent ominous feeling once earth and all its allies banded together to find the Supergate at the end? There was just no sense of urgency in Crusade, as even Vala didn't seem to feel a need to tell the others about the fucking Ori fleet until the very fucking end of her story...

Is it just me, or must every fucking season of Stargate SG-1 end with either a) an invincible enemy heading for earth, b) the SG-1 team searching for an alien or Ancient weapon, c) references to Daniel Jackson's gaydar... or obviously, d) all of the above?...

Yet in a fit of disillusion, and the Michael Irony side of things? Both of the above were exactly what I wanted, and exactly what we got...

It's just that, I wanted big ass explosions to go along with my pancakes, goddammit. And more big ass, bar-maid busts, thank you very much...

And as far as I'm concerned? Camelot will be the writers' last chance. It's their holy grail. They better get the goddam formula fucking right...

... to go all Jihad, Crusader, Starship Troopers, and fucking medieval on their goddam asses..."

It's sure gonna be a hefty wait until summer. Season ten starts in July, I believe? Just how long can Carter hold her breath in space, exactly?...

Was Camelot everything that I expected it to be? Not quite, considering I was pretty much expecting both the Sun and the moon and all the magic of the tales of Merlin from the season finale of Stargate SG-1... I mean, the ninth season of the show has just been that damn good to me on a whole, that of course my expectations for its finale would be that damn ludicrously high...

I admit though, that Camelot was ironically both a bit too slow in pace at the beginning, yet far too rushed in the end. Episodes like Origin, Prototype, and Beachhead stand out because they were all absolutely amazing experiences each for a complete hour, from pretty much start to finish... I just don't know if I can say the same thing about Camelot, considering the episode wasted so much time on even just a village historian red shirt in the background...

But the battle? That final fucking battle?... All is forgiven and laid to rest in the dust. Oh hell, fucking yes...

No, wait. Can I even call what we saw a battle? Did we even manage to scratch the paint of what essentially amounts to an Ori scouting party?...

Were the final fifteen minutes of the ninth season, the best space skirmish that I've ever seen on television? No. And it probably wasn't even the best slugfest fight I've seen from the Stargate series either... While I don't know if this absolute massacre of the Allied fleet will ever surpass either The Lost City or The Siege (Part 3) in terms of sheer kickassness in my eyes, there's simply no denying that the writers and the CG guys put on the most wowing FX display I've seen since at least we first saw the city of Atlantis in Rising...

Okay, I'll admit it. The Supergate "Kawoosh" made me say wow. Oh my fucking God, it was like a blue flame ripping through the depths of space. It was simply too cool and kickass for words... And seeing it all through Carter's eyes, or actually through the very reflection of her EVA visor? Not only was that a brilliant artistic choice, but I think I even got shivers as she was just floating around in space there aimlessly, absolutely helpless against the massive toilet-bowl-seat ships that were roaring on by...

... I sincerely hope Sam's wearing a goddam NASA diaper... as it'll be a long wait until July for a rescue, I reckon from this reckoning...

Goddam Asgard. I knew that their little O'Neill-class ship there wouldn't stand a chance against the Ori, considering the Asgard got their collective asses handed to them by the Replicaters for so many years. I mean, I was actually surprised that their boat managed to hold its own against the Superbowl-lookalike evil-malfunctions, considering what we witnessed in Ethon... Sure, the Asgard couldn't make a dent in the Ori's shields. But at least that O'Neill-class vessel didn't bite the Origin dust from a single FPS one-shot-kill, which is more than I can say for the shitty ass, free floating Jaffa...

It was actually surprising too, that the shields on our own Daedalus class ships actually held for a while. Guess the Asgard took my wisdom and complaints to heart, and actually upgraded their throw-away crap on our BC-304's... Of course, being able to take three or four hits rather than just one didn't do jack shit for our fleet in the end, especially considering the Odyssey and Korolev were both dumbass enough just to sit there as they got their asses handed to them. I mean, after the Prometheus had done the same in Ethon, I simply ask, what the fuck?...

And ah yes, the almighty ambiguity in the end. Which of our two ships was destroyed?... While logic dictates that it was the Odyssey, considering it was the only one of our vessels that did not have a member of SG-1 aboard to potentially perish? I dare do think that the past three or four years of Stargate, have truly proven to us viewers which country is the real toilet bowl shitter of jobbers of the SG-1 world...

Now, I really have no complaints about the final space battle in Camelot, despite it being only five minutes long. Because after so many Stargate disappointments such as Revelations, Full Circle, Moebius, and oh dear God, Out of Mind? It was nice to finally get another season finale that actually went out with a bang, quite literally actually...

Poor fucking Jaffa population keeps getting wasted. Maybe they should hire Chief Tyrol as their union leader? I dunno...

I just wish the rest of the episode could've had the same kind of impact as the final fifteen minutes, you know?...

The actual scenes in the village of Camelot felt too drawn out, in my opinion at least. Everything was predictable, as I just knew that Valencia girl was too damn cute to simply stay in the background... It was obvious that she would draw the sword from the stone, though it was disappointing that she couldn't pull a Xena by fighting side by side with Mitchell or some crap like that. Besides that, there was absolutely nothing interesting about the village whatsoever, except perhaps for the neat explanation of how the Black Knight could be impervious to weapons (as stated in legends...)...

... almost reminded me of how much I loved Martin Lawrence in The Black Knight... almost, that is... sniff sniff...

Now, you'd think this would've been Cam's moment, considering his first name kinda does go along with "Cam-elot". And yet despite all his slow-motion sequences, despite all the epic hero music being played, he still got his ass kicked and name taken by the fucking Black Knight? He didn't even score a hit? WTF?... I do like how Mitchell provided some of the few rare moments of comedy in the episode though. I'm surprised the writers even remembered that Teal'c had to once "Kel-no-ream" or whatever, and I always get a kick out of watching the entire village cheer for Valencia rather than our broken down hero in the mud...

Teal'c made his little Easter Bunny reference when it came to humour, but I didn't laugh. I kind of felt sorry for his character instead, as he just felt out of place in Camelot. He obviously didn't belong with books and historical writings in the library, I can tell you that. His only job there was to light candles for the real SG-1 members, I guess... And then what else does he choose to do, but run off to the Lucian Alliance to steal one of their German Luger guns, do a Lex Luger pose himself, and then get a measly three ships to help fend off against the Ori? Wow, that Netan guy must really have a death wish or some shit like that, considering he was playing ensign in the background of the suicide battle...

Oh, and did I mention that Landry sucked? I fucking hate Landry... though luckily, his complete absence here was more than welcome in this episode...

I also did enjoy Colonel Carter in Camelot, but only because Kvasir was now pulling a Hermiod on her ass with snark. I couldn't help but laugh as the Asgard rubbed it in her face at just how much smarter his people really are over humans. And I'm sure he was laughing his little ass off yet again with his tail tucked between his legs, when his ship was perhaps the only allied one to truly survive the massacre intact...

At least Samantha got some decent and memorable scenes in thanks to the special effect guys, as simply her saying "oh my God" or "oh my Kobol gods" or whatever in space as the Supergate rippled, sent tingles down my spine. By she didn't really seem like a leader in Camelot, and she didn't do anything but play second fiddle to Cameron Mitchell first, Daniel second, Colonel Emerson third, Kvasir fourth, and probably Rodney fucking McKay fifth... God, that girl gets around...

I actually kind of preferred Vala in this episode more than I did Carter. I mean, Vala didn't even utter a line, yet I could feel her sorrow as she was staring out of that window at the decimated Milky Way Galaxy fleet. She was powerless to do anything but to literally shit in her pants as her miracle Cylon baby was on the way... I kind of found that attractive, actually. That sent tingles down something else than my spine. Please don't ask me why...

Daniel Jackson probably misses Vala being in his pants, now doesn't he? He certainly seemed a little off in Camelot, even though I normally love hearing his twists and tales of the King Arthur myths... I dunno though. It just seemed to me that most of Daniel's crap in Camelot dealt with him reading books and hoping there was some hidden time travel machine in the library (though thanks to Moebius, shouldn't we still have two of those things somewhere back on earth right about now?). And him searching endlessly through dusty writings for an Ancient pin-number ain't exactly the best form of entertainment, in my honest opinion at least...

I will admit that I loved his "timing" whenever it came to his speeches about magic to the villagers. And for once, the guy thought up the perfect Jack O'Neill solution, of shooting every damn Ancient console in sight... And hey, I think Daniel was getting pissed at that broken record of a Merlin message as well. How the hell can't you go insane from a one liner riddle that keeps looping over and over and over again?...

Please, oh please let this trinket belong to a fucking smokin' hot Atlantis girl or some shit like that on the show. Now that would be my idea of a fucking Holy Grail... But bah, watch it be fucking Valencia or even Vala for all we goddam know...

All we do know, is that the quest for the Holy Grail of Stargate SG-1 episodes continues...

I was so hoping that Camelot would stand right up there with Torment of Tantalus, Thor's Chariot, The Fifth Race, The Crystal Skull, Window of Opportunity, Abyss, The Lost City, or even Threads as the best that the series ever had to offer, both action and mythologically speaking that is... But if only thanks to my own expectations, I was disappointed. Well, except for the final fifteen minutes at least...

... as in the professional opinion of the scholarly Tom Hanks, would it be safe to say?... that the Allied fleet got... 'owned'?...

I dare say yes... because that was sure one sweet ass battle, right up there with The Best of Both Worlds and Sacrifice of Angels, two Trekkie episodes that simply could not have been wrapped up in a single, neat, single hour package...

Yet still... have I ever mentioned that I really, really, ridiculously hate cliffhangers?...

God forbid, if Camelot had actually been the series finale of the goddam show? Needless to say, I'd be starting my own Crusade...

So thank God we get a tenth season of SG-1, although I'm hesitant to believe right now that it would even remotely approach the amazing quality we got this past year in the ninth inning of the series...

I'm actually predicting that the tenth will be the final season of the show, though if so? Stargate SG-1 will then be definitely going out on the best of notes, with the 200th episode coming early in the season, and the rest of the Ori fleet still waiting in the wings (or in the Supergate water closet shitter, really)...

So until then? I'll just keep on rewatching my goddam five minute battle while I sit on the john, frothing in anticipation of the goddam Camelot conclusion... and with that I suppose, I'll simply wish you all?...