IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name, Nintendo Gamecube Reviews of Sega's Phantasy Star Online and Ubisoft's Beyond Good and Evil 2003...

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IvanF's Cut and Paste, No-Name, Nintendo Gamecube Reviews of
Sega's Phantasy Star Online (Episodes I & II) and Ubisoft's Beyond Good and Evil 2003

Okay, I'll be up front and honest... I've hated Sega's Phantasy Star Online for years now... I bought version 2 of it for the Dreamcast for just $10 CDN, and after playing the game up to that goddam worm boss a couple of times, I realized something... it really wasn't even worth the money that I spent... So you've got to ask yourself: why in the blue hell would I end up paying $25 for a used copy of PSO for the Gamecube, when I already knew that I frickin' hated the goddam game?...

... well, the answer is obvious, of course... because of the stupid security that Sega put into the game, that's why...

Unless you've been living under a rock, or simply have never read the editorial I wrote on this website, you'd know that thanks to Sega's brilliant security measures, programs like PSOloader, PSUL, and Starcube's Animal Crossing Loader can "patch" Phantasy Star Online into a whole other game... of course, I didn't actually buy the game for modern piracy. All I wanted to try was some N64 emulation (which is piracy too, I know, but of a different breed... and goddammit, it barely even worked, so...), and all I wanted was to also make sure that no damn, creepy little bastard, who wanted to play pirated GC games 24/7, would get their grubby hands on only the second used copy of PSO that I've seen in Toronto stores since this whole GC piracy scene started... so yeah, I'll admit it. I bought the bloody hell game because a) I was trying to be a hero, b) in case of future use... and because c) I thought that at least, Sega would be goddam smart enough to fix the exploit in Phantasy Star Online Plus and Episode III (which I learned they goddam didn't do either for some lazy ass reason, after I bought this game overpriced of course) and slowly phase out the original PSO copies...

But enough about the real reasons why I bought a goddam Phantasy Star Online game, stupidly for the second damn time... What about the game itself? Has it changed? I mean, sure the graphics are improved over their Dreamcast counterpart on my television anyhew, but the GC simply pales in comparison to the DC's VGA port thanks to yet another shoddy port from Sega... The game itself is just a pain to go through, constantly walking around in circles as you shoot stupid monsters or strike, always three redundant times in a row, as you march through the same frickin' forest for seemingly (and sometimes literally) the trillionth goddam time... And as for the new part of the game, Episode II? Sure, it adds a lot of extra challenge. Sure, at least it finally provided something new over the four absolutely boring stages in Episode I for the DC... but in the end, no amount of variety can save Phantasy Star Online from the inane dribble that the gameplay provides (though at least some new variety in the characters that you can create, could've at least helped out the game some bits...). Sure, I recognize that the game is probably quite addicting online, but considering all I have to work with is the offline portion, thanks to the fact I have to pay $20 CDN to play the game online?... well... even four player co-op in this game couldn't save it, considering my brother got bored of the control mechanics after just a couple seconds of seeing the game in action...

Am I being fair to the game? Of course not. But obviously, I'm still pissed off that I've now spent $35 more on this goddam series than I ever should've in the first place... But I will say one thing though: sadly enough, this is my favourite MMORPG of all time, since all the other online RPGs have been even more boring, by my accounts... and anyhew, just for shits and giggles, I've posted my original review for the Dreamcast version over here. Read it if you've got nothing else to do, I suppose, or if PSO is sadly the only game you own... I pity you then...

"Okay, I bought this game just the other day for ten bloody dollars, and I'll admit here and now that I haven't gotten very far in it... and maybe it's because I still don't know how to friggin' win battles without running away in countless circles like a chicken, but truth be told, the controls and action in this game is so damn non-intuitive! I can't stress enough how badly the controls suck in this game. They copied Zelda's Z/L camera centering, yet wasn't wise enough to copy the Z targeting as well!... or am I just really dumb at this, even after reading through the instruction manual?... And as a result, I can't do anything with the Sabre or any close range weapon right now. Instead, I'm forced to use the guns of Rangers, as I can't figure out how to bloody hit things up close! Not to mention my character is so damn small on the screen that I'm screaming for a free roaming camera for a close up... I hate the fact that it takes me forever to run instead of walk. I hate the fact that the camera won't let me see where the hell I'm going while keeping an on eye on baddies, and I hate the fact that the sensitivity in turning left and right is so damn high... and, well...

I've played through some of the earlier Hunter Guild stuff, and while it's all so boring to me, I admit that Phantasy Star Online is an ONLINE game and obviously not meant to be really be played offline, like I'm forced to do... so I really can't judge this game because I ain't willing to pay for the online fee, but I can judge Sega for charging an online fee in the first place, and I can judge the game as being real damn sucky in the controls department, even for an RPG... With that said, I'm still fortunate that I've bought it. Because not only was it perhaps the last Dreamcast game I may ever buy, it is also sadly one of the funnest single-player DC games I have, as I'm just so damn stupid and so damn gullible that I actually find it addicting to run and scream my way all the way to experience level 6... where that goddam first boss dragon still burned me to a bloody pulp, but I digress...

PS - after playing through the game for a few more days, and after skimming a couple of FAQs on the internet, I have concluded that sadly enough, my run and shoot and run-like-a-pansy-girl-again tactics of combat... are strangely enough, the actual way you're supposed to fight in this game... Maybe I'm just no fan of MMORPGs or something, but I just really think that a fighting style like this is really sad, almost fringing on the border of embarrassment... yet I'm still playing this game... and like I said before, it's kind of unfair to judge without trying the damn game online, but I've never been a very fair reviewer..."

Game Design - 7.0
Enjoyment Factor - 7.0
Overall (not an average) - 7.0

Okay... I'll be up front and honest... I never really did buy Beyond Good and Evil for the Gamecube... hell, I never even tried the game on the goddam GC... the thing is, yes, I know all the differences between the Xbox version that I bought and the Gamecube version: a) the Xbox has a more steady framerate, b) the Gamecube has better loading times, c) the Xbox controller has an auto-center the camera button, and d) the Gamecube version lacks a button to go straight to the useless map inventory. And that's basically it... but the thing is... Why would I post a review for the Gamecube version here then, when I've never even tried it?...

... well, the thing is... I never wanted the Xbox version... I always wanted the Gamecube version... I scoured and cowered and scouted the entire city of Toronto for some place that sold Beyond Good and Evil for the Gamecube at a reasonable price, but no matter where I goddam looked, from Toys R Us to Electronic Boutique to Microplay, these were always the prices of the games: PS2 version - $59 CDN, Xbox version - $65, and Gamecube version?... $69... that's sixty nine frickin' dollars for a game that I knew was being sold for just $39.99 online in the US... And the fucking PS2 version is $10 cheaper than the version I want? How the fuck is that fair?... So eventually, I just gave up. It was Christmas season, so I went back to the store I always go to downtown, and surprisingly, the owner there actually offered to take $10 off the price of Beyond Good and Evil for the Xbox (he didn't have any GC versions in stock), just as a Christmas present so to speak. And considering $55 CDN is a hell of a lot better than $69? I finally let go of my pride, prejudice, and passion, and opted for the Xbox version of a game that I surely knew would fit the mood of the Gamecube much better... but, umm...

After I bought the game... the thing is... the day after, I finally was able to check my local Wal-Mart, the only big name store that I didn't call or check in town a week before... and... umm... I didn't bother to call, because I had seen the flyer, showing Beyond Good and Evil for the PS2 as $59.99... and that was the price too, in store... but, umm?...

... suffice to say, I was sure as hell pissed off then and there when I realize that even with a $10 off deal, I had been jipped... and I couldn't return the damn game to the place where I bought it, since how can I possibly return a game that I was given $10 off in the first place out of sheer mercy and generosity? But I wanted the goddam Gamecube version dammit, so I called all the other stores in town, asking if I could trade in my Xbox Beyond Good and Evil (still freshly wrapped and unopened) for store credit or something, and you know what? Ironically... the only store that would let me give the game for full value without a receipt... was goddam Wal-Mart... now that's beyond bloody hell fantastic...

But anyhew, I eventually swallowed my pride, prejudice, and GC passion, and played through the game on the Xbox... and realized that I was wrong - the game had far more of an Xbox feel and appeal to it than a Nintendo feeling in the end... but still... I'll never live down the day that I called Best Buy, Future Shop, Video Games Plus, and all the rest... only for them to be all outdone by goddam American Wal-Mart, by twenty friggin' dollars in price...

And if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm still living in denial, hence the Xbox Beyond Good and Evil review that I'll be posting and mascarading and degrading down below as a Gamecube review, without even having touched the Gamecube version of the game... but I digress...

PS - Goddammit, just got back from my local Best Buy... and even though I called them two goddam weeks ago to check on the price of Beyond Good and Evil, what did I find today? But that dammit, the Gamecube version was $49 there as well... Hell, I bet even Future Shop updated their prices or something over the past week or something (since Future Shop is sort of owned by Best Buy), and dammit, maybe even my local EB finally made their Canadian price to match the one on their goddam American website... so in other words, I got screwed by my impatience... I got beyond screwed by all these goddam Canadian video game stores... Hell, this is beyond evil, I shit you not... but oh well, AOL, not much I can do, now can I? You win some, you lose some... because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?....

PPS - okay, I just beat the entire game a second time around, finding 12 PA-1s and every one but two pearls in the end (I could never get the game one from the Shark, and I'm missing about a couple pictures for the 7th roll of film)... and just to furthermore prove just how damn beyond short and evil this game truly is, guess how many hours my save file claims I played in total?... seven frickin' hours... that's seven frickin' hours to clear the whole game, finding almost every single item to find... nevertheless, the game's stealth parts were much more fun since I now could pass them all with ease, but still... I paid $55 CDN for a game that only took me four days to entirely beat twice? I don't know about you, but in my opinion? That's just beyond evil, but suit yourself...

"You know... I hate to admit this, but most of the time, I'm the type of gamer who hardcore gamers absolutely love to loathe and abhor in horror... in other words, I pretty much buy like a "casual" consumer, always choosing the sequel with guaranteed gameplay over some so-called original game like the internet's precious "Ico" (unless I find the "hardcore" game for dirt cheap, which was what made me collect all those goddam Dreamcast games that I ended up all hating like hell...)... but thanks to the internet - thanks to web forums and websites that I thought I could trust like Gamespot - there were at least two games this year that I bought (at full price, mind you) not because I wanted them, but because I was inclined to give them a chance, if only in hope of calling myself a hardcore gamer... In September, I bought Viewtiful Joe for the Gamecube, and just the other week, I brought home Ubisoft's Beyond Good and Evil for the Xbox... and suffice to say... umm?... I hate to say this, but...

... now I realize why I've stuck to being a "casual" gamer for so damn long...

Viewtiful Joe I'll review another day... but Beyond Good and Evil? Well, first of all... I really shouldn't have gone for this game over something more established, considering I barely liked Ubisoft's Splinter Cell or Rainbow Six series at all... but because of all the damn praise on the internet, claiming as if Beyond Good and Evil was the second coming of the original Zelda or some crap like that, I actually purchased the game new at full price... hell, I was literally one of those mere five or ten thousand people who did actually buy the damn game in its debut month of November... and you know what?

While the game doesn't deserve the dismally low sales it's garnering, at least I can also say... that it certainly doesn't deserve many more sales either at all...

The thing is, first of all... I started Beyond Good and Evil on Friday... and I frickin' beat it on goddam Sunday, after only about ten fucking hours of goddam gameplay... and that was after I had goddam gotten lost in all those stupid stages, such as that god-awful part in the Slaughterhouse where it took me literally two hours to figure out where to find the third goddam picture for the IRIS514 newspaper. Because I swear to God, if it wasn't for those two or three unbelievably annoying times where I couldn't find pipes to climb or boxes to push, the game really is only about five frickin' hours long from start to finish, even when you include most of the Alpha Section Headquarter sidequests that I went through in the damn game... and the thing is, the internet and sites like bloody hell IGN keep comparing Beyond Good and Evil to my precious Zelda: Wind Waker game, even claiming it's the game that Zelda should've been... and what I really don't get, is why all the hardcore gamers complained about the "short" length of Zelda, yet whenever they mention that they can beat Beyond Good and Evil in three frickin' hours average, they claim that the length of the game really isn't much of a problem? I mean, sure if I was still in university exam time right now, I'd perhaps appreciate a game as short as Beyond Good and Evil that wouldn't take up all my study time, and maybe even end up claiming that the only fault with the game was that there simply wasn't enough of it to love... but the fact of the matter is, I'm not in exam time anymore. Now that I'm in holiday time, I want my frickin' fifty Canadian dollars spent on something that will actually tide me over for a week or two, and not just for a couple days and nights like even a damn movie would've done...

But despite the incredibly, inexcusably short length of the game, I must say that Beyond Good and Evil does have its merits and perks, besides the lovely bump and shine mapping done on Jade's, um, you-know-what... First of all, the music in this game is rather top notch, more or less... I personally find the huge variety in tunes, ranging from the Scottish song at the Lighthouse to the half rap in Akuda Bar, to be a welcome breed of gaming music, a cut above the rest... though honestly, none of the songs were either hummable (ala Mario Sunshine) or epic (like Zelda), especially the Spanish theme music in the races that the internet seems to love for no apparent reason whatsoever, except for that it's different... Secondly, I do love the graphics in this game. The water when you're gliding over it with the hovercraft, rivals the best effects in Wave Race for the Gamecube, the colouring in this game (even without progressive scan, since I don't have a HDTV to test) looks far more full than even Zelda: the Wind Waker ever did, and the animation for Uncle Pey'j and Double H both seem impeccable at times... but the only problem is... umm, did they forget about Jade or something? Because either the framerate in the X-box version hiccups or something (though it seems at least a constant 30fps), or something just seems awkward in the way she walks and steps. And graphics wise, while her face and hair are incredibly detailed, the rest of the her body (which sadly enough, is what a gamer like me truly always takes notice of...) seems "flat" and uninspired at best... and while we're still on the topic of Jade, did Ubisoft really have to give the game those goddam "Shenmue-ish" controls? I mean, if I don't hold down R to move Jade, she moves like a tank. And if I do end up holding R to run like I did in Shenmue, then my finger eventually hurts from all the goddam holding down... but on the plus side, since all the rest of the controls were basically cloned from the Zelda series, I must admit that pushing blocks, jumping on crates, jumping over lasers, and crawling around dungeons were all perfectly executed on the Xbox... with one exception: the camera controls... I mean, if I manually control the camera, everything is fine. But my damn finger keeps slipping off of the right analog of the Xbox for some ungodly reason, causing me to spin the camera sometimes in ways that never got in the way for me in Mario Sunshine or Zelda: Wind Waker... technically, Beyond Good and Evil has a camera system far beyond anything that most 3d games have, but when you compare it to my precious Zelda? Somehow, clicking on the right thumbstick just doesn't hold a candle to Z-targeting...

Which brings me to combat... now, I personally don't see why gamers keep comparing Beyond Good and Evil to Zelda, when it's obviously far more similar to Star Fox Adventures (which is absolutely hated on net) than anything else... and the thing is, umm?... I literally have no frickin' clue why the online community thinks that Beyond Good and Evil has basically revolutionized 3d fighting or some crap like that, because I literally just kept mashing the attack button throughout the game, and except for willingly dying on the second boss (since dying actually brings back more hearts than Starkos food does - Carlson and Peters, pg.259), I never even remotely came close to losing a life outside of those god-awfully annoying stealth parts of the game... I mean, hell, even to this day, I still don't know how to do backflips in the game, even though reviews said it was intuitive and actually goddam useful, and goddammit, the only times that I ever used the dodge button was when I had to avoid all those laser shots from those flying robots with frickin' little light bulbs that blink... I will admit one decent thing about the combat in this game though, that puts it above Star Fox Adventures (besides the fact that Star Fox Adventures battles sucked from horrible CPU AI...)... Simply put, it's beyond fun as hell in Beyond Good and Evil, when (and only when) you're fighting alongside Pey'j or everyone's favourite Double H. I mean, although it's cheesy as hell, it adds a lot of strategy and twists to the game whenever your partner pounds the ground and you go into Matrix mode to knock a baddie into an electrical barrier. And hell, I really did love the first two bosses in this game, as the teamwork required to just get the bosses stunned or off their feet for mere moments at a time, were far more involving than most boss battles that I've had in years... and after I had beaten the second boss, I made a mental note to myself, that I would surely compliment this game for having some of the best damn boss battles of this generation... until I finished the third stage, that is... and what do you know?... as if Ubisoft discovered that their game was actually good in some area, they decided to completely leave the third area blank without a boss, didn't even really have a fourth stage in the game, and simply made the final boss a complete sham except in terms of unintended humour and difficulty (not that the last boss was hard... I finished the game with 20 K-Bups or whatever left, although to be fair, I did use four up on the last boss)...

But really, the one true thing that keeps getting to me about all the overglowing, positive reviews of Beyond Good and Evil, is the mere fact that nearly every single hardcore gamer claims it has one of the best damn stories and goddam plotlines of this entire gaming generation... and although I will not dispute that it has absolutely some of the best voice acting I've heard in a game, I simply can't help but refute the hardcorers (and IGN... and Gamespot too, apparently) by claiming... What the fuck have you been smoking???... spoilers ahead, so all your candy asses have been warned...

Okay, as IGN put it, Beyond Good and Evil has a story that 'needs to be told'. And okay, in a sense, I see why... Beyond Good and Evil is all about government and military propaganda, that we must discover the truth for ourselves and not blindly believe everything we're told. And if that was the whole of it, I wouldn't have much to object... if this was the year 1999, that is... but goddammit, it's 2003 now. And call me bias or whatever, but when I was watching the cutscenes in this game, I couldn't help but think that I was watching some sort of anti-George Bush, anti-Iraq-war propaganda story or some crap like that, which I know it really isn't... but with all the anti-military, anti-government hate I read in newspaper articles these days? And considering the Hillyans at the end of the game were demanding a revolution? I know this crap shouldn't bug me, but that whole crap about a story 'needing to be told' just reminded me too damn much of the crap all the leftists used to spout in my high school, that the truth "must be told"... whether the leftists are right or wrong, I don't care - all I know, is that they annoyed me to hell, and so did the plot of this game... for a while, at least... Suffice to say, the plotline did get original and interesting at certain points of the story. I loved going through the factory actually, as it was actually fun looking around for human cargo to scan, and I was actually left in suspense as to what the alpha sections really looked like with their helmets off. But the thing is, after the factory, after Pey'j was taken and Double H was rescued, what happened then?... really, nothing actually... really, really, ridiculously nothing of importance happened after that... part of that lied in the fact and fault that this game was just so damn short, but honestly... as if the writers got writer's block or something, there were no new revelations in the Slaughterhouse stage, and besides Pey'j's identity, there were really no damn revelations on the moon base either, except for the cliche, "HA! I'm evil! I made you do everything that you did as some whole conspiracy thing! MWAHAHAHA!"... And as for the ending? Seriously, what the fuck? I know that as a crappy writer, often I would leave big holes in my stories, so that I could fill those gaps with explanations later on in storybook sequels (as recommended - Carlson and Peters, pg.667)... but goddammit, there's a reason why Beyond Good and Evil shouldn't have done the same, stupid thing by completely leaving us hanging with the whole Shauni identity thing... because this fucking game isn't going to goddam sell enough to merit a damn sequel! It's like leaving us hanging in Shenmue II... sure, the loyal fanbase might actually cause a sequel to happen to that game some time, but at least the original Shenmue sold a million copies... obviously, Beyond Good and Evil has not... hell, it won't even make a hundred thousand copies at this rate... end spoilers, I guess...

Beyond Good and Evil definitely has its share of paramount flaws... first of all, I bought a platformer/action game, not a frickin' Splinter Cell game!... or at least, I thought I did... and what did I find instead? That literally every single stage in the goddam game had me creeping around as some CLB (creepy little bastard) or some damsel reporter in distress, unable to kill any of the damn bad guys unless I had an open shot to their goddam backpacks (the only way I could successfully kill the enemy soldiers under normal Zelda circumstances was when I had Double H on my side to help)... I mean, c'mon already! I know Splinter Cell equals success for you Ubisoft (so it is said - Carlson and Peters, pg.102), but at least give me a silenced pistol or a fucking Uzi to snipe the goddam Alpha Sections' heads off... and secondly, to coincide with how damn short the game is, I couldn't stand how damn small the whole world of Hillys was. I mean, sure people complained about how long it took you to get from point A to B in Zelda: Wind Waker, but honestly, the world of Hillys takes only a couple minutes at best to cross in the damn hovercraft, and probably only a couple minutes more to fully explore in that stupid rocket ship. Nothing took effort to find in this game, as there was always a cave in the out and open, there was always a marking on the map, or there was always a door that you just couldn't get past until you found a Resident Evil like key... and other flaws? First, the length... Second, the length... Third, while the Pedestrian Whatever area had plenty of people to talk to, the rest of the world was void of personality... and fourth? Did I mention the length of the game?...

But while I surely sound negative about this game (heck, I still haven't decided... should I call Beyond Good and Evil as "Beyond Bad and Evil"?... or just simply, "Beyond Bloody Awful"?... but what did you expect? I paid full price for this game. I feel stifled...), the fact of the matter is... well?... while I absolutely don't love the game, it's not that I didn't like it. I already mentioned how the graphics are far above Mike Weir par, how the music is spot on, and hell, the crafty AI in this game is crafted pretty damn craftily I must say, as none of my AI helpers ever once got lost or stuck in my way... And for what it's worth, while all the sneaking around was not my cup of tea, I do realize that the story of the game was about one average (well... not so average, I guess) individual making a difference in the world. And if Jade was able to take everyone out James Bond style? It would've negated the whole point of the plot, I guess... and there are other positives too. The few bosses that there are, are quite original in feeling and fighting. And while combat was far too simple for me without Zelda Z-targeting or parries, I must admit that most bad guys (Alpha Sections not included) were fun to engage, if only because it took some brains to take them out... I'll also compliment the game for taking a page out of the Splinter Cell, Carlson and Peters handguide (pg.42), and implementing check points nearly everywhere in the game. Sure, it made the stages easy as hell, but at least whenever you got past some sections of those goddam Alpha Sections, at least you knew you wouldn't have to do the whole damn, unbelievably annoying, process all over again... I'll also admit, that some racing parts with the hovercraft (notably, chasing after looters) were fun as hell in the game, and were probably the only things that made the game memorable in my mind... And as for the puzzles in this game? While they were all linear as hell and only took me mere seconds to figure out (and heck, I'm the guy who constantly got stuck in Wind Waker, the game that's supposedly so easy in the puzzle category...), I must admit that because none of the puzzles posed a real problem for me (since all of the solutions were actually practical and logical... no weird block patterns to make...), I do have to give some credit to Ubisoft, for making me think and ponder over what's yonder, without making me hurt my brain while I'm on my goddam vacation from goddam university...

But the real gist of the story is this... the thing is... Beyond Good and Evil felt like a Disney movie (which is a good thing from me, not a "teh kiddie" bad thing), but alas, it felt like the wrong kind of Disney movie... While certain animated films are truly epic in scope and sentiment (Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King), and while certain films are truly endearing (Aladdin, Toy Story), the thing is... for every great Disney movie, you have a movie that was screaming "to be told", as if the movie was trying to be too hip while trying too hard to make a point or some crap like that... with movies like the Emperor's New Groove and Lilo and Stitch coming to mind... now, there's really nothing wrong with the latter two movies, which I both did enjoy. But none of them truly left a mark on me... I mean, they were funny - just not memorable... The Zelda series for me has always been right up there with the best of epic Disney films. But Beyond Good and Evil?... I mean sure, it sure had its funny moments (I'm now a true follower of Carlson and Peters, pg.823). And sure, it sure had its endearing moments... but honestly?... in the end... the whole story, in both scope and execution, simply felt hollow... like it was screaming to make a point, as if it had a "story to be told", but not a truly engaging game to go along with it...

In the end, while I still recommend Beyond Good and Evil for its solid gameplay and absolutely excellent voice acting, the thing is... in the end?... the game is neither beyond good, nor beyond evil... it's simply... well?... just another game..."

Game Design - 8.0
Enjoyment Factor - 8.0
Overall (not an average) - 8.0